Christmas Tat 2

Oh, perhaps I should say that again, like I meant it. No, I don't think I can. Right, it's Christmas time again and it's time for another Christmas tat video. I wasn't actually planning to make one this year, but I said, on Twitter... ... if "Rage against the Machine" get to number 1, I shall make another Christmas tat video. And they did, so here we are. The problem being I did most of the funny tat last year. Hmm, how's this gonna go? Not sure. Anyway, just to recap, in case you didn't see last year's video... ...uh, basically, my girlfriend went to a shop before Christmas, as many people do... ...and, unfortunately for everybody in the universe, this shop was very full of Christmas items. Decorations and such. And she bought a lot of very, very cheap ones. And some of them weren't very good, but they were heavily reduced. Anyway, let's see what else we've got. First up, is the frankly quite surreal... Well, it's an event. Are you ready? [He "Da-da"s the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey".] It's Rocket Santa! Yes, Father Christmas shaped like a carrot. Made out of porcelain. Why? Why is he so emaciated? Why is he a shape that you wouldn't dare leave on a chair in case somebody sat on it and it killed them? I don't know. It looks a bit scary. And the worst thing is, I can't fit it in frame vertically, so let's get rid of that, and onto the next item. Which is... From - oh... from British Home Stores, by the looks of it... It is a bear. He's skiing. "Nothing wrong with that", you think, until you look, and he's obviously horribly injured himself skiing. For starters, his legs are splayed and broken. And secondly, he appears to already be in a full body cast. Very, very negligent of the medical staff, there, to not take off his ear warmers and take away his skiing equipment before... ...actually putting him in a body cast. But never mind! Let's get onto the next thing. Quick, quick, quick! I like this one. It's a tiny little decoration, there it is. And it's got a really horrified, confused face on it... It looks like one of those smilies off a cheap internet forum. It also has gold paint on it's head. Merry Christmas, everybody. Grief. Right, now we're getting into the realms of... ..."make it yourself" products. These are never, ever good. Here is a "make it yourself" pompom reindeer. As you can see it comprises several pompoms... ...a red thing on it.... ...a glittery nose... ...goggly eyes... ...and a smile so huge it's coming off it's face. And it looks pretty rubbish, to be perfectly honest. What a great kit that was, that's the best you can make out of it. Hmm, that's more fun than I've ever got from any of these before. Right, next... I think this one came from Aldi or Lidl or - [the toy interrupts] oh - shut up... One of the - [the toy persists] Shut up! One of the, er, foreign discount shops we get over here. I think. Are they German? Austrian? I've got no idea. They sound like they are. Anyway, basically, some weird, very, very pasty-faced children are worshipping a snowman. And you pull this thing out, or, in fact, fail to push it in... And it plays a tune that I can't recognise yet. Oh, "Santa Clause is Coming to Town". This one disturbs me slightly for three reasons... Reason one: They do appear to be adopting some sort of pagan worship around this... ...bizarre effigy of a snowman with a bird. Secondly... ... the kids are so badly painted, I don't know if you can make this out... ...but they've got little dark spots all over their faces, and they all look like they've been bruised. Like the snowman's been attacking them or something. And thirdly... If you take into the account the height of the neck on his rollneck sweater, there... ...he must have a neck like a bloody giraffe! Bruised, mutant children worshipping a snowman. It's Christmas time again. Ok, next, what have we got? Oh, another "do it yourself" kit. Do it yourself and wish you hadn't! Yes, it is a reindeer and Father Christmas in his sleigh. Ok, the sleigh's made out of some hard foam stuff. That's not too bad actually. The reindeer, though... ...is, sort of, this bizarre chocolate sandwich thing with liquorice in the middle going on. It's just not right. You know, put some effort in, make it look a bit reindeer-y from any direction... ...other than the side. I mean, if you saw that coming towards you on Christmas eve... ...you'd think it was the end of the world. And it probably would be. But, the best bit is, of course, jolly old Saint Nick himself. Because they forgot to give us Father Christmas' hat, so my girlfriend had to make one out of paper and blu-tack. And did a fairly good job, considering. 'Cause it looks just as bad as the rest of it. Um, yeah. Face. Not very Father Christmas-y. Wrong sort of beard. Looks more like an evil wizard. Or Gary Glitter. Oooohh... Grief, I wish I hadn't noticed that, actually. Great. Now I've got Britain's most notorious paederast staring at me all Christmas. Oh, dear. Mm, now that's ruined the holiday. Earlier than last year! And, finally... Uuuuugh! The leering death skull! Still got the price on this one. Was £2, then £1, eventually 25 pence. For a Christmas door hanger. Original price on there is £10. That's a pretty good reduction; £10 to 25p. This is why it was cheap. All the mouth is missing and I had to draw it on in permanent marker for her... ...and the eyes are gone. But still, it can see into your soul. Ok, let's turn it on. I seem to remember it has electrics of some - oh... Ah, there we are. Oh. Oh! The Toy: Oh, ho ho! Meeeeerry Christmas! That's right, it's not a wall hanger, it's a device for frightening pets. I think the batteries are running down. If this isn't the most frightening thing you've seen in your life, I pity you. I will never... sleep... again. Anyway... What more is to be said than, uh... The Toy: Oh, ho ho! Ashens: Oh, no, it's gone again. Quickly, mitigate it. Merry Christmas, everyone. [The "Party Light" makes an irritating squeaking noise in time with it's rotation.] Oh, shut up. Subtitles by IDCSubs. Want subtitles for your videos? Get in touch.