Raising Hope S1E10 - English Transcript

Here we go, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh And here is your change. Jimmy, Sabrina, I need your advice on a pickle I'm in. No, I don't. Never mind. Wait! Yes, I do, I think. Oh, I don't know. Shoot a dart at a fart! I can't decide anything. What's going on? Grocery Palooza's coming up. It's our annual customer appreciation event. Little known fact, we started it before Lollapalooza. I still don't think they stole it from us. Well, then how else do you explain it? Anyway, the owners let me pick the main attraction from this catalog, but they're all so good! Two Buckingham Palace guards that also sing and do balloon animals, a horse that can ride a horse, or Tila Tequila's brother, Vince ***. I've had trouble making a decision ever since that 2007 debacle. Everybody showed up to see that band Toto. Great band! That song Africa inspired me to live in Zaire for five years. I do not recommend it. And the show we had here was also a disappointment. Normally, I would swoon to see Wizard of Oz memorabilia, but that has a time and a place. - Oh! - Every June in Chittenango, New York. "This porridge is too hot. "This porridge is too cold. " That Goldilocks'd sure save us a lot of time by complaining less about the temperature of the porridge, and just eating the damn stuff. Hey. Listen to this. "Goldilocks jumped up from the bed and ran out of the house. "Really? You're telling me a whole family of bears couldn't catch a little girl? That's dumb. This is dumb! The bloom is off the rose with that baby. Yeah. Babies are cool till you've done everything there is to do with them. Then you get bored. That's why TV shows about babies never last more than a year. One of us needs to talk to him. I don't want to talk to him when he's depressed. He does that almost cry thing, where he wrinkles up his face and nothing comes out. - It's your turn to talk to him. - How do you figure? I talked to him when he stepped in dog doo, when he was 10 years old, and all the kids called him "Dog Doo-Doo Foot. " And I'm the one that talked to him when he was the only one in ninth grade without hair under his arms, and they all called him "Smooth Pits McHairlessness III. " I'm the one that talked to him when his pants split open and his whole break-dance team made fun of his SpongeBob underwear. - Sadie Hawkins dance, sophomore year. - Sadie Hawkins dance, junior year. Fine. I'll talk to him. - Hey! You good? - Pretty good. Good. I'm listening. You get back in there and stop procras-turbating. Fine. All right, Jimmy. Your mother and I have tried, but we can no longer ignore the fact that you're bumming hard about that baby. You know, I love Hope. I do. But she's exhausting, and frustrating, and, to tell you the truth, she's really, really boring. I feel like a monster, just saying that. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a dad. Look, I know what you're feeling right now, and it's normal. That face you're making is not normal. What you're feeling about Hope, all normal. - It is? - Oh, sure. I was miserable when you came along. I hated you. Really? You're not just saying that to make me feel better? No. I hated you. And I hated myself for hating you. And I got so wound up, I'd start doing weird stuff. I started rocking, like this. Didn't even know I was doing it. Thank goodness your mother was there and kindly pointed it out. You are a freak! So, how'd you stop rocking? Well, that's the cool part. Get this. I started rocking. With my guitar! - Totally mellowed me out. - So you had an outlet. Yeah, when I used an electric guitar. You're missing my point! You need to find a thing of your own. Something that makes you happy, get you to stop acting like a freak. - Thanks, Dad. - You're welcome, Son. Glad we could have this talk. I love you. Don't forget, next one's yours. What's all that stuff? Well, Dad told me to do something for myself, and I suck at music, but I don't suck at art. So I was drawing on a bag at the store, and Barney was so impressed he asked me to do the poster for Grocery Palooza. That's great! You should have brought the bag home, we could have stuck it on the fridge! Wow! Glad I could help. I know. Cool, huh? Man, being paid to draw. You know, maybe I can do this for a job. Maybe I could be a famous artist. And even if you can't, it's cool you got this far. - But maybe I can. - Probably not. - Okay, well, I'm going to try. - Suit yourself! Ooh! "Special super-fantastic surprise guest. " Yeah, Barney couldn't decide who to get. He had finally decided on the Buckingham Palace guards, - but they fell through. Good! If those guys weren't so busy making public appearances, maybe Princess Di would still be alive. Either way, the poster will be finished, and that'll be that! Actually, a school board member came in the store and saw me working on the poster. And get this, they want to hire me to paint a mural on the outside of the high school stadium. That's great! It's about time they painted over that old mural. There's got to be a less racist way to draw an Apache. Well, that was delicious! Thanks! Something's going on. I cooked that food. And it is not delicious. What's that? Damn it to hell, he's rocking again. Burt! Your rocking set off the motion light. We can see the Burt signal. Babe, you haven't rocked in ages. - What is wrong? - Him. He's what's wrong. - What did I do? - You took my advice. Now everybody's talking about you. Jimmy! The guy who draws things on other things. You're making something of yourself, and I never did. But, Dad, you did. You're a husband, a father, a grandfather. - You built a business. - Blah, blah, blah, blabbetty, blabbetty. I could have been somebody, too. What are you talking about? "Blabbetty, blabbetty" means "I don't care what you're saying. " No. I mean about you being somebody. I didn't want to just play guitar in front of my mirror. I wanted to be in a rock band. And I could have, too. I could have gone on tour with Smokey Floyd. Burt, that was 20 years ago. Smokey Floyd. Why do I know that name? Burning Deep Inside? Doesn't matter what I tried I still got that burning deep inside Yeah! That's a hemorrhoid commercial! It was a hit song first! - And I could have been in his band. - It's true. They all called your father the white Stevie Ray Vaughan. We didn't know Stevie Ray Vaughan was white back then. We didn't have a very good TV. Smokey came through town. I had an audition. Smokey Floyd was in the middle of his Smoke Gets In Your Everything tour when he rolled into town. He had an awesome bus, killer hair, and pants so tight he eventually lost a ***. He was a god, but what he didn't have was a guitar player, so every wannabe rocker showed up to try out. Since your mom had detention that day, I had you. First, I got a few rules. Number one, you must be able to fit into Donnie's leather pants, so if you're not a 32-34, get the hell out of here. Rule two, you must be able to carry to the nearest hospital. Rule number three, you must be willing to shave your body from the neck down, 'cause when you're on tour, one dude gets crabs, we all get crabs. I'm out of here. All right. Strap on your axes. Let's see which one of you is Smoke worthy. Is that a baby? Who brought a baby? There's no babies in rock and roll, man. What kind of idiot brings a baby? - It was my fault? - Short answer, yes. Burt, are you out of your mind? He was just a baby. - Mom, it's okay. - No, your mom's right. You're doing great things, and here I am thinking only of myself. Look, my life is fine. I don't need to be a famous musician. Just would have been nice to be known for something other than being the pool guy. You are more than just a pool guy. You're a husband, a father, a grandfather Blah, blah, blah, blabbetty, blabbetty. Wait a second. What was that guy's name again? - Smokey Floyd? - Yeah. Miss. Miss, but you did land in between the girl that used to play Kimmy Gibler on Full House and the dog that barks the alphabet. Damn it! This is turning out to be harder than just picking one. Jeez. Barney. I think I've got your act. Yes. This is Smokey. Talk. Lollapalooza? No, no, no. Grocery Palooza. Yup, yup, it's just like Lollapalooza, but with groceries instead of, um, Lollas. But we were first. - When is it? - Saturday night. I know it's short notice, and you're probably busy, but we'd really appreciate it. I'm gonna check my calendar. He's checking his calendar. I'm gonna need a sweet dressing room, bottled water and brand-name chewable fiber pills. - He's in. - Yes! - Thank you so - Thank you so much, Mr. Floyd. We are thrilled to have you. Why, yes, we do have lots of hot chicks around here. I'm looking at one right now. Well, I've never noticed. Sabrina, could you hop down and turn around for a second? No. I seem to recall it's pretty firm. Dude, I'm sorry the cream didn't work for your butt itch, but I don't make the stuff, all right? If your burning is as deep inside as you say it is, I'd get to a doctor. - Uh, Smokey Floyd? - Settle down. Now you're smokin'. So, what do you want for breakfast? We have, like, six types of cereal. Ooh! And you can have the big bowl, too. Me and my dad usually fight over that. So what's the lineup? Am I opening or closing? Both, actually. Huh! So you have your own silverware. You have to. Putting things in your mouth that were in other people's mouths, no matter how you wash it, it's nasty. You don't put the bowl up to your mouth, do you? Oh, uh - No. - Hmm. You're lying. Nuke this for 40 seconds. So it's a grocery store, right? What, like a big parking lot thing? The produce section. Who's backing me up? A bunch of local hotshots? Uh, just a guitar player. But he's one of the best around. Very polished and professional. Uh Excuse me. What the hell is going on? Smokey Floyd is in my kitchen! Smokey Floyd is in our kitchen. And guess what? He's going to be playing Grocery Palooza. Oh, my God! Wait. It gets better. - You're going to be playing with him. - Shut the front door! No, seriously, shut the front door. I'm freaking out. I don't want him to hear me. Dad, I might have cost you your chance to play guitar with your hero a long time ago, but I got it back for you. And after today, no one in this town will ever think of you - as just being the pool guy anymore. - Ah! I love you so much, Son. I love you, too, Dad, but can we just say it from now on? I'm not making any promises. Take off your pants. Oh, my God. - It's you. - Take some breaths, sweetheart. The shock will fade. But luckily, the memory will last forever. Smokey Floyd. In my kitchen. Hey, that's a nice spoon. Where'd you get that spoon? Hey, what's up, Smoke? Burt Chance. I almost auditioned for you 20 years ago when Donnie died. Oh, Donnie didn't die. He just got too fat for his leather pants. He's a court reporter up in Fresno now. Weighs, like, 300 pounds. We're Facebook friends. That's a thing I have on my computer. Anyway, I am a huge fan, and I'm going to be backing you up tonight. And if you don't mind, we kind of have assigned seats around here for breakfast. So He's eating the same cereal I pick. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Smokin'. You're welcome. Ah, yes. I see your future very clearly. You're gonna save 50 cents on a 12-pack of English muffins. You're gonna die in a plane crash. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. You're gonna save 50 cents on a 12-pack of English muffins. - Hey, where's Dad? - He's around here somewhere. I better go make sure he's getting ready. - Can you watch Hope? - Mmm. Hey, great job with the store. And I am loving these free cupcakes. Those are $6 a box. Dad? - What are you doing in here? - Go away, please. - But it's almost time for the - Just go away. - Well, will you at least just look at me? - I can't. My head is stuck on this shelf. I felt like I needed to rock, and I didn't want anyone to see. I was sweating, and I rocked under this shelf and my head got stuck. - Here, let me just help - Don't touch it! I got it. I'm fine. Oh! Why were you rocking? - Are you mad at me again? - No. I got nervous. - I can't go on stage, Jimmy. - You've got to go on. - What if I suck? - But you won't suck. But what if I do? Jimmy, I spent 20 years blaming you for me not being a rock star. If I go suck on stage, it's just - I got nobody to blame but myself. - I get that. I do. But you also spent 20 years being known as a yard and pool guy. And I think I remember you saying you wanted to be known for something more. You can do this, Dad. I know you can. And if you don't, I'll still love you, but you got to try. Do not kiss me on the lips. Then stop saying stuff that makes me want to. All right, everybody, when I say, "Grocery," you say, "Palooza!" Grocery! Okay, now how about a big Grocery Palooza welcome for Smokey Floyd and the Smokey Floyd Band! - Thanks, Kenny. - It's Barney. Hello, Natesville. Whoo! Smokey Floyd. And I'm the Smokey Floyd Band. Ow! One, two, one, two, three, four Excuse me, I'm sorry. Could you just grab me two tomatoes there, please? No, no, no, no. Not those. Those. Mmm-hmm. - Here you go. - No, baby, this one is mushy. - That's ripe. - Thank you, baby. We all set? One, two, one, two, three, four. I've got a burning deep inside After all these tears I've cried Doesn't matter what I've got A baby? A baby. What kind of idiot brings a baby to a rock concert, man? I'm sorry. She loves the music. Good for her, man. Good for her! Think. You think babies and rock and roll music mix? You see a lot of babies on MTV? Actually, there's that show And Teen Mom. I saw an episode of True Life called "I've Got Baby Mama Drama. " - She's good. - Hey! Who put my autographed melon back on the shelf? You guys have any idea who I am? Would you just play the song, please? Just play the song, please. No, you don't tell me how to do my job, sister. I don't tell you how to bring a trucker a tuna melt at whatever greasy spoon you probably work at. Hey, I am not a waitress. I'm a maid. She tried waiting tables, but she couldn't add up the math. Well, why are you telling him that? Don't tell him that. Great. So I'm performing for a bunch of idiots who can't even add! I can add. Just have a little trouble with percents. Thanks. Here we go again with the baby. You people realize how beneath me this whole thing is? Playing some produce section with some schmuck who skims pools for a living? I'm Smokey Floyd, people. Smokey "The Doctor of Rock" frickin' Floyd. Smoke on that, jerk. Look at you. Now, we're almost at the end, and you're still up. Somebody likes the picture book Daddy made. And when the mean dragon flew in from out of town and attacked the Village Market Palooza, brave Burthew took his magic guitar, turned it into an ax, and took the dragon down. And the people were saved. "Ah, yeah!" And all the village was talking about Burthew. Smokey Floyd had only one hit. It was calledBurning Pain, and for some concertgoers, that's exactly what he was. Good for her, man. Good for her! But the tables were turned, as musician and local business owner Burt Chance became a guitar hero. And songs were made in his honor. I don't know who did it, but it's got 22,000 hits. Good for her! I'm Smokey Floyd, Smokey Floyd I'm Smokey Floyd, Floyd But the tables were turned Smoke on that, jerk Smoke on that, jerk Burt Chance - Smoke on that, jerk Guitar hero Smoke on that, jerk Smoke on that, jerk Burt Chance, guitar hero. Burthew also discovered he wasn't the only one in the neighborhood with hidden talents. Hey, man? Aren't you that dude that beat down that dude? Rock on, dude. Smoke on that, jerk. Yeah. Yeah. He was Burthew, the grass cutter who slayed a dragon, and he lived happier ever after. English - US - SDH