That's Why They Call It 'ball Room'

♪ Men. ♪ ANNOUNCER (over TV): You don't have to be a prisoner of depression. Unlock the door of darkness and despair, and step into the sunlight with Lumitrol. If you're taking an MAO inhibitor, consult your physician. Side effects may include dry mouth, high fever, tremors, nausea, sweating... You should try that stuff. What for? I'm not depressed. Really? Why not? What have I got to be depressed about? Well, you've been divorced twice, you're living on your brother's couch, and your only child is flunking tenth grade. Wh-you... you're flunking tenth grade? When the hell did this happen? Easy, dude. I think you got bigger things to worry about. (door opens) CHELSEA: Charlie, you're being a complete *** about this. CHARLIE: I said no. End of discussion. Yeah, that'll do it. It's just a couple of dance lessons so we don't look like idiots at our wedding. Hey, I have said yes to everything having to do with this stupid wedding, but this is too much. You think our wedding is stupid? If I have to dance, it is. You know what, just drop dead. Fine. I'll drop dead, and you can dance on my grave. SPORTSCASTER (over TV): ...three games last year, but I guarantee you Carson Palmer didn't miss guys wide open. That hurts. SECOND SPORTSCASTER: And certainly not in their comeback against California down at the L.A. Coliseum. Leinart overthrows... You do know you're going to be taking dancing lessons? Oh, yeah. Does that depress you? A little. May I suggest you try Lumitrol. What? Unless you're already taking an MAO inhibitor, in which case, consult your physician. Hard to believe he's flunking tenth grade. ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪ ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ Hey. Did you cave on the dancing? Yeah. You have to grovel? Like a *** at a kissing booth. Did you at least get makeup sex? Nope. Wow, it's like you're already married. Yeah, I might as well just give her my testicles right now and use the empty sack as a man purse. Hey, hey, don't knock the man purse. Terrific way to carry your keys, ChapStick, sunblock, moist wipes. Please move out of my house. Hey, face it, big brother. We're a team. Like Ernest and Julio Gallo. Seriously, get some cardboard boxes, fill them with your crap and go. Now, see, that's just misdirected anger. You're not mad at me; you're mad at yourself for trading your dignity and self-respect for security, peace of mind and regular sex. Where do you get that? I've been married twice, Julio. (clears throat) The key is to make the best of it. Uh, like with the dance lessons, for instance. They... they can be fun. You and Chelsea practicing, learning to glide across the dance floor as a single organism, embracing the music like the breath of life itself. Okay, first, decorate my house, then move out. Cute. You'll see what I'm talking about on your wedding day when you step out onto the dance floor with your new bride and sweep her into your arms with everybody watching. I'm sorry. I can't see it. Let me help you. ♪ Precious and few are the moments ♪ ♪ We two can share... ♪ How'd you know that's the song she wants for our first dance? Who do you think suggested it to her? Okay. Let's see what you got. Dance with me. Come on. Are you out of your mind? I'm just going to give you a few tips. Keep your tip away from me. You can either embarrass yourself now or you can embarrass yourself at your first dance class in front of Chelsea and a bunch of strangers. Okay, I just want you to know I'm only letting you touch me 'cause I'm half in the bag. Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that. Now, put your right hand on my lower back. And your left hand holds my right hand. Okay. Whoa, whoa! We're not cracking walnuts. Firmly but gently, like you hold a baby bird. I've never held a baby bird. Okay, like you hold a ***. I am holding a ***. Ha ha. Now, we're going to start with a simple waltz. You're the boy, and I'm the girl. That's how it would break down in prison. I don't know, Charlie. You've always been the pretty one. And... one, two, three, two, two, three. One, two, three, two, two, three. Okay, you're going to have to back off a half step. There's no groin contact in ballroom dancing. Huh. Wonder if that's why they call it "ball room". Man, your grandmother really did a number on those poor ***. It's a miracle I turned out as well as I did. ♪ Men. ♪ (playing "Precious and Few") (segues into Chopin's "Marche Funèbre") Hey, Uncle Charlie, want to dance with me? Hey, Jake, want to live in a foster home? Sometimes. Don't sass me, boy. I'll take the switch to you. Hello, man of my dreams. Hello, love of my life. Hello, reason I go to therapy. You go to therapy because you're weak. I'm weak because you broke my spirit at age five. Oh, boo-hoo for you. Guys, guys, can we please not do this? What? Just saying hello. I'm going to go put this stuff away. Thanks again for the scarf. My pleasure, dear. Looks beautiful on you. Thank you. That woman is just a treasure. I know. Yes, she is. Speaking of which, have you talked to her about a prenup? What? No, I'm not going to ask her for a prenup. Charles, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. And guess which half the guys who can't keep it in their pants fall into? Hey, I have never once cheated on Chelsea. How long have you known her? I don't know-- about a year and a half. How long do you plan on being married? Criminy, I need a prenup. ♪ Men. ♪ And... one, two, three, one, two, three. Very... nice, two, three. You're doing great, sweetie. Have you been practicing? No, no, no. I'm a musician. It's instinctive. So, the pictures Jake e-mailed me of you and Alan cheek to cheek was just what, a tender moment between brothers? How old do kids have to be before it's legal to punch them? Come on. You'd never hit Jake. That's exactly what I want you to tell Child Services. I think it's great that you cared enough about this to practice. So, I get some points in the bank? Whole bunch. Good. Good. Hey, speaking of banks, I've been thinking. Now, don't overreact, but maybe we should start talking about, you know, the possibility of getting some kind of a-- what do you call them?-- prenup. Sure. You want your lawyer to draw it up or mine? INSTRUCTOR: Now switch partners with the couple to your left. Hello. Hi. Are you two getting married? Yeah. That's wonderful. It took me 38 years to get my husband to dance with me. Well, better late than never. He's only doing it now 'cause I caught him banging our church organist. Wow. Want to help a nice lady give a little payback? Switch! Hi. Missed you. Me, too. So, you were saying you're okay with the prenup thing? Yeah. In fact, I was trying to figure out a way to bring it up. Really? Why were you going to bring it up? Well, I just think it's smart for both of us to protect our property. (chuckles) What property do you have? Um, not a lot. Just a little real estate. Real estate? No big deal. Just a few apartment buildings. Buildings? INSTRUCTOR: And switch! Keep walking, pal. When were you planning on telling me you own buildings? Um, I didn't think it was that important. Well, it's important enough for you to want a prenup. Hey, you're the one who brought it up. Yeah, but I'm not hiding anything from you. You know everything I've got. A house on the beach, a car in the garage and a worthless *** in my guest room. What about all the royalties from your music? Yeah well, uh... you've got buildings. Just three. Just three? Why are you getting so upset? I thought I knew you. I had no idea you had some secret life as a slumlord. I'm not a slumlord. Two of the buildings are in the marina, and one's in Brentwood. Oh, my God, that's even worse. Why? We've been together almost two years. Would it have killed you to pick up a check once in a while? Switch! Hello again. ♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome for the first time as husband and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Alan Harper. ♪ Now I've had the time of my life ♪ ♪ No, I've never felt like this before ♪ ♪ Yes, I swear it's the truth ♪ ♪ And I owe it all to you ♪ (high-pitched): ♪ 'Cause I've had the time of my life ♪ ♪ And I owe it all to you... ♪ (door closes) Hey. How was dance lessons? Want to know how dance lessons were? I'll tell you how dance lessons were. Chelsea wants a freakin' prenup! Just 'cause you dance like a middle-aged white guy? I'm not middle-aged. Oh, sorry. You. You're middle-aged. I'm younger than you. You're also broke, losing your hair and sleeping on my hide-a-bed. Always gotta bring a gun to a knife fight, don't you? What the hell are you watching? It's my wedding video. No kidding. Where am I? In the coat room banging Judith's sister. Oh, right. Wish you had that video. So why does Chelsea want a prenup? Apparently she's got three fancy apartment buildings she doesn't want me to get my hands on. Really? Anything I could live in for free? You know, house-sit, building manager in lieu of rent. How did this become about you? Fine, I'll stay here. Oh, good. I was worried. The point is, Chelsea's been keeping a secret from me. Well, maybe she just wants to make sure that you loved her for herself and not her property. Oh, so I don't even get the choice? I would think that you would be happy. This means she's financially well-off and doesn't care about your money. Which makes me trust her even less. What? Alan, think it through. If she's not interested in my money, then why is she marrying me? I have no idea. Exactly. We may have to consider the possibility that Chelsea's insane. I see your point. She look like she's sorry? Yeah. Sorry she ever met you. Hey, Chels. Hello, Alan. Brr. My nipples just got hard. Yeah, well, too bad. She deceived me and she doesn't trust that our marriage is going to last. Aren't you the one who wanted the prenup in the first place? How is that different? Because when I brought it up, I thought I had more stuff than her. Okay, let me get this straight. You're upset because you're marrying a woman whose only character flaw is that she happens to have her own money? I knew you wouldn't understand. (remote clicks) ♪ So we take each other's hand ♪ ♪ 'Cause we seem to understand ♪ ♪ The urgency ♪ ♪ Just remember ♪ FEMALE VOCALIST: ♪ You're the one thing ♪ MALE VOCALIST: ♪ I can't get enough of... ♪ That's the last time she ever moved her pelvis like that. ♪ Men. ♪ So, are we going to talk, or you're going to sit there pretending to read? I'm not pretending. If I didn't know how to read, I would've told you a long time ago. I wouldn't have deceived you. Don't be such a child. I'm the child? You're the one who's been keeping secrets. Wasn't really a secret. I would've told you if you'd asked. Oh, really? So it's my fault that I didn't ask you if you're a land baron? What else should I be asking you? Were you born with a ***? Is this your home planet? Okay, now you're being ridiculous. No, no, no, what I'm being is committed to this relationship. Really? You're committed? Yes, and I've jumped through hoops to prove it to you. What hoops? Dancing lessons? No, not dancing lessons. Yeah, okay, dancing lessons. And meeting your mom, and being nice to your friends, even all the ones that don't like me, and letting you put these stupid throw pillows on my bed. Constantly. And yet here they are. With your frilly curtains and your girly lamps. It's like living inside the I Dream of Jeanie bottle. So I'm supposed to be grateful because you've behaved the way a fiancé is supposed to behave towards the woman he loves? Oh, yeah. Okay, I see. Now you're going to turn it around on me. Make me the bad guy. Where are you going? I'm sleeping on the couch. In my house. Which you know I own because I bragged about it the first night we met. (door slams) Alan. What? What-what's wrong? Chelsea and I had a fight. Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. You want to talk about it? I just did. Now go sleep on the couch. Wait, if you and Chelsea had the fight why do I have to sleep on the couch? You ever hear of crap rolling uphill? Now get out. You know, just using the word "please" would go such a long way with me. Fair enough. Please get out before I pull your pajama bottoms up so far you'll be wearing your balls as a bolo tie! There, was that so hard? ♪ Men. ♪ I'm sorry for keeping a secret from you. Is there any way I can make it up to you? Okay, I would be remiss... (Chelsea screams) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! You let me lay down naked on top of you! I didn't know it was you! I thought it was a dream and then when I realized it was you, I didn't know what to say and you're so soft and warm and... (groans) Oh! Oh, I deserve that. What the hell's going on in here? Your brother's a pervert! You woke me up to tell me that? I came down here to apologize for keeping a secret. It was dark, and I thought it was you under the covers, so I laid down naked on him and he let me! You let Chelsea lie naked-- Wait a minute. You came down to apologize? Yes. So, you're saying I'm right and you're wrong? Yes. You're right. Excuse me, I didn't quite get that. Do you want to gloat or do you want to come upstairs and let me make it up to you? Ooh, make up. I choose make up. Come on. Right behind you. (high-pitched scream) Still worth it. ♪ Men. ♪ (laughs) At least I hope it did for the sake of the honeymoon. Unless, of course, you're into that kind of thing. (laughs) To Alan and Judith. (cheering, applause) Mmm! And now... I'd like to introduce the best man, although I consider him to be a bitter disappointment, Alan's brother Charlie. (applause) Charlie? Charlie? Charles! Coming! What's going on? You're making a toast to your brother and his bride. Oh. How am I doing? Just make the toast. Okay. Can I throw in a word about the bride's sister? No. Got it. Well, just FYI, that word would've been "nasty." Don't look at me like that, Judy. Your sister's a freak. ♪ She's a super freak ♪ ♪ Super freak ♪ ♪ She's super freaky ♪ ♪ Super freak, super freak ♪ Unbelievable.