A.N.T. Farm S1E25 - English Transcript

Chyna, up for a game of tic-tac-toes? Gibson, I think it's called tic-tac-toe. I don't think so. Your turn. I give up. You win. Yes! I always win on the first move! Good morning! Olive, you're not allowed to bring pets into the Ant Farm. Remember when Gibson brought his cat in? That's just how tigers show affection. By mauling children. Well, don't worry. My pet is perfectly harmless. He's a Flurbot. Hello! He's been my loyal companion since I was three. His name is Soren Aabye Kierkegaard, but that's kind of a mouthful, so I call him by his nickname, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel. Ooh, catchy. Much better than my nickname when I was a kid. "Gibson. " Kids can be so cruel. Feed me! Feed me! Feed me! Feed me! When he's hungry, he won't stop saying, "Feed me," until you feed him. Hey, we have one of these virtual pets at home. We use it to open cans. I think you're talking about your can opener. You know, I think you're right. HEGEStupid! Who you calling stupid? Fletcher! Fletcher stupid! Why would he know how to say that? Uh, he might have overheard it at home. Ooh, ooh Doo, doo Ooh, ooh Doo, doo Whoo! Everybody's got that thing Something different we all bring Don't you let 'em clip your wings You got it You got it We're on fire and we blaze In extraordinary ways 365 days We got it We got it You can dream it You can be it If you can feel it You can believe it 'Cause I am, you are, we are Exceptional Exceptional Yeah, I am, you are, we are Exceptional Exceptional Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh Whoo! Peace, hepcat. How do I look? Groovy! Groovy means crazy, right? Wait, I need your help. This afternoon I'm meeting Dakota, the daughter of my boyfriend, dashing city councilman Ted Taggart, and I want her to think I'm out of sight. You might want to get out of sight because I think you're scaring people. Look, you're the most popular girl in school and I need you to give me cool lessons. Why would I do that? Because if you don't, I'll stand here keep looking at me. Okay, okay, fine! I'll do it! Gibson, what are you doing? Oh, I played Hegel in a game of tic-tac-toes and I lost my shirt. I think he cheats. Hey, can one of you guys get my back? Where's my cute little boy? I'm right here! I was talking to Hegel. Oh. Who wants some belly rubbing? I do! Oh, him again. That's odd. Usually Hegel wakes right up when I mention belly rubbing. Hegel? Hegel? He won't wake up! And I just put fresh batteries in! Look out! Let me try mouth-to-mouth! Every second counts! But first. There is nothing dying people hate more than chapped lips. Gibson. He has no mouth. Oh, just like my uncle Mmm-mmm. Don't you quit on me! Sorry, Olive, but I think Hegel's gone. No, he's not. He's right there! He's dead, but he's right there. No! It should have been me. He had so much life to live. He was struck down in his prime! You shouldn't be alone tonight. Hey, this service is depressing. Let's put the fun back in funeral! Chyna? This is a funeral! Show some respect! I just want to hold Hegel one last time. Hold on. Look at his bottom. There are scratch marks from a Hegel didn't die of natural causes. He was murdered! Why would anyone do that? Stupid! Who are you calling stupid? I think he cheats! Oh, him again! What are you looking at me for? It wasn't me! I didn't do it! The murderer always says, "It wasn't me! I didn't do it!" Except in the rare case when they say, "It was me! I did do it!" Or in the even rarer case when they say, "It wasn't me, but I did do it!" Olive, that's the grief talking. Grief means crazy, right? I loved Hegel. And I'm going to find out which one of you is responsible for his death. As soon as I find that screwdriver. Screwdriver? Looks like this case just got a little twisted. Screwdriver? Twisted? Nobody gets it? No? Thanks for volunteering to help me after I only threatened you once. Usually, it takes two or three times and some sort of message, like a finger in a box. No problem. It's my pleasure to help you become more cool. So, um, should we start with my clothes? No, that's perfect. Ill-fitting tangerine polyester pantsuits are very in right now. Then why don't you wear them? Because my mean parents won't buy them for me. They make me wear these ugly expensive designer clothes instead. They are ugly. Okay, next you're going to learn the cool new slang. Check this out. Disgusting haircut, you creepy little elf! He looks puzzled because I don't usually compliment him. That was a compliment? Yeah. All the cool slang means the opposite of what it sounds like it means. You know, how "sick" means "awesome. " I'm sure you've heard it all over school. No, I don't like you kids, and I work very *** tuning you all out. Here's Gibson. Pay him a compliment. Hey, donkey face. Wow, are you an idiot! Does crying mean laughing? You're catching on! Hey, what are you doing? Looking for the *** weapon. I'm conducting a search of all your lockers. Luckily, I know your combinations. Slow down. Got a warrant? No, but he does. This whole school is a crime scene. Wait. This says, "Caution. Party zone. " Shouldn't it say, "Police line. Do not cross"? That's why nobody came to Cameron's birthday party. That's not why no one came. And Dad, don't you have anything better to do than investigate the death of a Flurbot? Nope. The police force solved every crime. But on the bright side, the police sketch artist has more time to do caricatures. Search all you want. You're not going to find anything. What the heck? It's a rotisserie spit. You cannot get properly cooked shawarma in this town. Oh, okay. Move along. Nothing to see here. Nothing to see here? Angus has a Middle Eastern restaurant in his locker! Got to go. The guys at the station are giving the police dog a lie detector test. Maybe the chief will finally believe I'm not the one that ate his shoes. Okay. Look, Olive, I know that you're grief-stricken over the loss of your $4 toy, but there is no evidence here that anyone killed Hegel. A Flurbot manual? A 1/8" Phillips head screwdriver! You killed Hegel! What? How could you, Chyna? I thought you were my best friend. But I am your best friend! It wasn't me! I didn't do it! Looks like it's not just the shawarma that's feeling the heat. Give me back my sunglasses! Lexi, I see you got my gift! Thank you so much for buying me this super trendy outfit. Where did you get it? Forever 81? Anyway, the best way to make a cool first impression with Ted Taggart's daughter is with a supercool handshake. Okay. Follow my lead. Ow! What? What are you doing? That was the end of the handshake. Hey, Olive! Oh, sorry, my parents always told me, "Olive, never talk to criminals. " My parents gave me similar advi. They said, "Gibson, never buy seafood from a clown. " I think she's still angry at you. My mom? It was one bucket of crawfish! Okay, what do you want? Nothing. I just really like to stand in line. Admit it, Chyna! You used that screwdriver to mangle Hegel's insides! I'll have the shawarma plate with extra rice, please. You were jealous of my relationship with him! What? I wasn't jealous. I even fed him for you. I'm telling you I was framed! And I'll prove it! I will not rest I'll take a shawarma sandwich with a little extra hummus. Until I find the real culprit! How are you going to do that? Well, I found a strand of the criminal's hair stuck in the screwdriver and my dad's gonna run a match on it. I just need hair samples from everyone. Ow! Ow! Oh! Ah! My hair is very strong. The military buys it to make rope. Okay, Dad, so I put all the evidence right here in my What happened to my hair? It doesn't look that bad. Just wear a hat. Well, not my hair. I was talking about the hair samples. Hegel's killer must have stolen them. Now what? Olive will never be my friend again. Relax. I'm a highly decorated member of the San Francisco Police Department. Let's just go over the facts again. Okay. Olive's Flurbot stopped working. There were scratch marks on its back that match the 1/8th Phillips screwdriver that was in my locker. Looks like you did it. What? Don't worry. I won't tell anyone. My lips are sealed. And a little chapped. Mmm. Chapped! That's it! I know who did it! And that's not just lip service. Angus got shawarma grease all over my glasses. Well, I've taught you everything I know. Ted Taggart's daughter is going to think you are the world's biggest idiot. I certainly hope so. That looks like Ted Taggart's daughter. That's Olive. Wow. I've done a really good job of tuning you kids out. Excuse me, I'm looking for Principal Skidmore. Oh, that's me. Oh, hi! I'm Ted Taggart's daughter. Dakota. You're Dakota? How old are you? Twenty-five. You look a lot older than 25. I'm sorry, my hearing's not very good. I thought you asked me what year I was born. You're older than I am! Wait a second. How old is your father? I don't know. They didn't really keep records back then. I think you all know why I've gathered you here. Are we having a pot luck? Because I brought clown lobster! You're here because I know who the real culprit is! And Olive, you'll see, once and for all, that I would never hurt you. I was set up, made to look like the fall guy, the straw man, the patsy. Why are you laughing? Patsy is what I used to call my pacifier, which reminds me Proceed. As with all crimes, it always comes down to one thing. Who had the opportunity and who had the motive? Okay, okay, so it comes down to two things. Anyway, only one person here had the motive and Okay! Fine! It was me! I did it! It called me stupid! And nobody calls me stupid! Well, actually, I call you stupid. Okay, you all call me stupid, but from Hegel it really stung. Chyna, I am so sorry I blamed you. Hold on. It wasn't him. Because he left out one important fact. He is not Fletcher! Fine! I did it! I was jealous of that Flurbot getting all of your affection instead of me! That's why I opened him up and removed his logic board! But I had to cover my tracks. So, dressed as Fletcher wearing a glove on his head, I planted the evidence in Chyna's locker. Then when Chyna took the hair samples, I stole them dressed as Fletcher dressed as Wacky to make it look like Fletcher tried to frame Wacky for framing Chyna. And I'd do it again, but I can't, 'cause I'm kind of confused about exactly what I did. Case closed. No. Case still open. Because Angus is not the murderer! When Angus cut Hegel's wires, Hegel was already dead! He had been snuffed out just minutes before by Okay, fine! It was me! I did it! It called me stupid! And nobo calls me stupid! Actually, I call you stupid. Okay, you all call me stupid, but from Hegel it really stung. That's what I said! By the way, my Fletcher voice is way better than yours. I couldn't take the abuse anymore. So I poisoned him! So it was Fletcher! Case closed. And it's open again. Because what Fletcher didn't know is that when he poisoned Hegel, Hegel was already dead! He had been killed just minutes before, by Gibson! CHYN28 games of tic-tac-toe in a row, Hegel had beaten Gibson, who, it's become increasingly clear, has no understanding of what tic-tac-toe is. Humiliated, Gibson flipped over the table, sending Hegel flying through the air to his death. Gibson didn't mean to kill him, as evidenced by the lip balm residue on Hegel's face from where Gibson futilely tried to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a toy with no mouth. It's true! It was an accident! But he kept mocking me with this mocking, mocking sound of mocking! I'm now going to mock the mocking sound he made to mock me. Wait! That's not a mocking sound. That's the sound he makes when he's been overfed. He must've eaten a fatal amount of food and died in midair before he landed. So Gibson didn't kill Hegel. Whoever overfed him did! Who was the last one to feed him? You're still hungry? Okay, Hegelly Weggelly! Chyna fed him last. Except, I'm not Chyna! I'm I cannot seem to get this mask off. Well I just have to I din't mean to hurt Hegel. Sorry. I thought I was helping. I accept your apology. To quote Hegel's favorite philosoper. Hegel. Ok, what was that mean? To paraphase. Whatevs! Eh, if it helps. I'm sure Hagel loves you as much as you love him. Eh. She fell for it. No more Olive, I'm free. Free. Free.