Cyanide & Happiness - Ted Bear

[ tribal music ] Hi! You didn't see me there. You know why? Because I'm Ted Bear. If you want to survive like me, you've gotta have a sharp wit, endurance, good looks and a backpack full of ingenuity. I've got mine on, both straps. Try to keep up! Here's the scenario. You're on an international flight and the ***'s gone dodgy. Perhaps an albatross with poor eyesight has confused your plane engine for a mate and smacks right into it. Making your once snug commute into a spiraling disaster-tastrophe. Luckily you've left your tray table up and now you're the only survivor stuck in some godforsaken jungle. It's cold, it's muddy, it's wet, it's hot, it's inconvenient and it's a *** out of the way. Now the first thing you got to do is get a sense of direction. A good strategy is to find the nearest river and follow it. [ tribal music ] After a while, all the walking will leave you bleeding knackered. You need to find a source of food. Because food means carbohydrates, carbohydrates mean energy, energy means movement, movement means survival. Luckily there are bounties of food in the wilderness. You just got to know where to look. Bacon! We must be underneath a bacon tree! Now some of these aren't quite ready. You need to climb higher to find the crispy ones. Ahh, now there's a nice ripe strip. You've got yourself a quarter of a complete breakfast right there. Time to keep moving. Try and keep up! Now, we need to find some refreshments to wash it down. Ahh. What do we have here? Now, it's very crucial to reach all the way in the back to get the freshest milk. Always, always, always check the expiration date on the back. It's imperative to your survival. Ahh, just my luck, chocolate chip muffins. [ coughs ] Raisins. [ tribal music ] Here we are on some desert island conceivably in the middle of the ocean. Without a map we can't be sure. What we do know is that our body needs water. Not so fast, mate, this is saltwater. We need to filter it into something more drinkable. Now the fruit fish turns saltwater into delicious drinkable punch. First we need to find the fruit appendage. Ahh. Now, you're probably thinking, "there's no such thing as a fruit fish!" Well, you're right. It's actually a crustacean. [ tribal music ] [ muffled speech] ...try and keep up. [ tribal music ] [ tribal music ] Well. The trick to, uh, survival on... on a mountain... [ exhales ] It's uh...it's hard to catch your breath... at this elevation. I'm gonna... I'm just gonna... [ snoring ] [ snap ] [ sad music ] [ music ]