Call Me Madam by Irving Berlin - Dialogue and Script

1.Mrs. Sally AdamS  Mrs. Sally Adams Missus Sally Adams Requests the pleasure of your company At a supper and dance A farewell party That she's giving at her house tonight Missus Sally Adams The queen of Washington society Anybody at all Who's anybody Will be gathered at her house tonight Missus Sally Adams The new ambassador to cross the sea Missus Sally Adams Who says "The hell with formality" Missus Sally Adams Missus Sally Adams Makes 'em sing at her parties And each guest becomes a ham Giving all that he's got It may not please the smarties But she doesn't give a damn If they like it or not She is liable to blurt out The thing that she should ignore But nobody will care She can iron a shirt out That's stuffed with a senator Or a Congressman there God bless America For Missus Sally Adams Who wants the pleasure of your company Glad are we To accept and root for Missus Sally Adams Queen of all the madams Madam Ambassador [Reprise:] Missus Sally Adams Requests the pleasure of your company At a supper and dance A coming home party That she's giving at her house tonight Missus Sally Adams Has lost some of her popularity And the chances are That a few somebodys Will be missing at her house tonight Missus Sally Adams Is back among us very suddenly And we're very anxious To hear what happened there across the sea We are simply delighted And happy without a doubt To be gathering there Ev'ryone is excited For maybe we'll hear about Sally's foreign affair God bless America For Missus Sally Adams Who wants the pleasure of your company Glad are we To accept and root for Missus Sally Adams Queen of all the madams Madam Ambassador 2.Hostess with Mostes' on the Ball  I was born on a thousand acres of Oklahoma land Nothing grew on the thousand acres for it was gravel and sand One day father started digging in a field Hoping to find some soil He dug and he dug and what do you think? Oil, oil, oil The money rolled in and I rolled out with a fortune piled so high Washington was my destination And now who am I? I'm the chosen party giver For the White House clientele And they know that I deliver What it takes to make 'em jell And in Washington I'm known by one and all As the hostess with the mostes' on the ball They could go to Elsa Maxwell When they had an axe to grind They could always grind their axe well At the parties she designed Now the hatchet grinders all prefer to call On the hostess with the mostes' on the ball I've a great big bar and good caviar Yes, the best that can be found And a large amount in my bank account When election time comes 'round If you're feeling presidential You can make it, yes, indeed There are just three things essential Let me tell you all you need Is an ounce of wisdom and a pound of gall And the hostess with the mostes' on the ball An Ambassador has just reached the shore He's a man of many loves An important gent from the Orient To be handled with kid gloves He can come and let his hair down Have the best time of his life Even bring his new affair down Introduce her as his wife But she mustn't leave her *** in the hall For the hostess who's the hostess with the mostes' on the ball [Encore:] I've been highly complimented And I thank you what is more You'll be damned well represented By your new ambassador For my one ambition is to make them fall For the hostess with the mostes' on the ball In the handbag that I'll carry There's a precious little note To their highnesses from Harry Introducing me he wrote: "I'll appreciate a favor large or small For the hostess with the mostes' on the ball" There'll be no mistakes, I've got what it takes To make friends across the sea I'll make being smart an important part Of my foreign policy I'll cement our good relations When I give my first affair There'll be special invitations To the Duke and Duchess there Who's already written asking them to call Not the priestess with the leastes' But the hostess who's the hostess with the mostes' on the ball 3.Washington Square Dance  Washington Square Dance, The Square dance The Washington Square dance Republicans make up with the Democrats Show those foreign diplomats That you dare dance The Washington Square dance No matter which side you're on or where you stand Take your partner by the hand And each pair dance The Washington Square dance The theme is a get-together policy Show your friends across the sea It's a fair dance The Washington Square dance The rules are the same as cricket, golf or squash No fair cheatin' 'cause the Wash- -ington Square dance is square -Bow to your partners, bow to your corners Dance till your cheeks are red as a rose But try not to step on your partner's toes -Now, duck for the oyster, dig for the clam Duck for the oyster, dig for the clam But do your diggin' for Uncle Sam -One for the money, two for the show One for the money, two for the show Three to make ready for Uncle Joe -Republicans over to the right -Democrats over to the left The left meet the right and don't explode Try to find the middle of the road And square dance, the Washington Square dance Be careful, you'll have to watch your step, by gosh! No round heels because the Wash- -ington Square dance is square 4.Lichtenberg  Lichtenburg I don't think you know much about us Except, of course, our famous Lichtenburg cheese I know very well you enjoy it And we would enjoy it too But we can't afford it for we must have money And so we send it to you But Lichtenburg won't be offended We'll manage to stay alive We're not very touchy This quaint little duchy That somehow seems to survive Too small to be a city Too big to be a town Too poor to have an army And too easy to knock down Too little to sell across the seas Babies and cheese are our main industries Too slow to please the young folk Too fast to please the old Too many who have copper pennies Too few who have gold But somehow we manage to play the game While the other lands keep changing hands Old Lichtenburg stays the same 5.Can You Use Any Money Today?  Money, money, money, money, money, money Can you use any money today? Money, money, money, money, money, money Nice new bills that we're giving away There are photographs on ev'ry one Lincoln, Grant and Washington Or you might like the ones with Henry Clay Can you use any money today? Two million, four million, six million, ten Take what you want, when it's gone you can come back again Bills that haven't been printed yet You can have them by the sack Coins that haven't been minted yet That you never have to give back Money, money, money, money, money, money Uncle Sam puts it right on the line And if we ever run out of checks for him to sign You can have mine All of mine You can have mine [2] Money, money, money, money, money, money Can you use any dollars today? Money, money, money, money, money, money We've so much that it gets in our way In our Treas'ry there's a mighty sum Millions we've subtracted from The envelopes that hold our take home pay Can you use any money today? Home in the states underground there's a cave full of gold Back up a truck and we'll fill it with all it can hold Take ten million and please don't fuss If you find it can't be spent You can lend it right back to us And we'll pay you seven percent Money, money, money, money, money, money Uncle Sam puts it right on the line And if that feller with whiskers ever should decline You can have mine All of mine You can have mine 6.Marrying for Love  Marrying For Love Ten generations of Constantins Lived very comf'table lives They were contented to live in style Supported by their wives Daughters of men who were wealthy Fitted them like a glove They all married for money I mean to marry for love It's an old-fashioned idea, marrying for love And that old-fashioned idea's what I'm thinking of Where there's love, poets have said Two can live as one That's an old-fashioned idea But it's being done When I find the man that I'm crazy about There's much that I could do without But I couldn't do without love Just an old-fashioned romance with a moon above A romance, one that will end marrying for love That's the kind of love That I'm thinking of [alternate bridge for male:] If she must have gold, let it be in her hair Rubies, let them be in her lips Diamonds, let them shine in her eyes 7.The Ocarina  Ocarina, The Listen to the ocarina play Listen, don't you seem to hear it say Dance to the music of the ocarina Ocarina, ocarina Gretchen and Otto, Hans and Wilhelmina Dance to the ocarina dance Dance to the music of the sweet potata Sweet potata, sweet potata Cheeks gettin' redder than a ripe tomata Dance to the ocarina dance Listen and hear the notes escaping Out of that tiny hole Doesn't it please your soul? Doesn't it say, "Dance the polka"? Step to the music of the ocarina Who refuses? Wilhelmina? Wait till she listens to the ocarina I know that Wilhelmina will 8.It's a Lovely Day Today  It's a lovely day today So whatever you've got to do You've got a lovely day to do it in, that's true And I hope whatever you've got to do Is something that can be done by two For I'd really like to stay It's a lovely day today And whatever you've got to do I'd be so happy to be doing it with you But if you've got something that must be done And it can only be done by one There is nothing more to say Except it's a lovely day for saying It's a lovely day [2] It's a lovely day today And whatever I've got to do I've got a lovely day to do it in, that's true But perhaps whatever I've got to do Is something that can be done by two If it is then you could stay It's a lovely day today But you're probably busy too So I suppose there's nothing we can do For if you've got something that must be done And it can only be done by one There is nothing more to say Except it's a lovely day for saying It's a lovely day [3] It's a lovely day today If you've something that must get done Now don't forget two heads are better than just one And besides I'm certain if you knew me You'd find I'm very good company Won't you kindly let me stay? [4] It's a lovely day today And whatever we've got to do We've got a lovely day to do it in, that's true And I know whatever we've got to do Is something that can be done by two I'll say it's a lovely day for saying It's a lovely day 9.The Best Thing for Your  Please let me say from the start I don't pretend to be smart I just suggest what I think best Having your int'rest at heart I only want what's the best thing for you And the best thing for you would be me I've been convinced after thinking it through That the best thing for you would be me Ev'ry day To myself I say Point the way What will it be I ask myself what's the best thing for you And myself and I seem to agree That the best thing for you would be me 10.Something to Dance About  Something To Dance About An old hand at giving parties I've learned an awful lot The best reason for a party And what keeps it boiling hot An occasion when you've got Something to dance about Someone to dance it with Something to dance it to To a fox-trot or a waltz Put on your dancing shoes Here comes some happy news Break up in twos and twos To a fox-trot or a waltz You and someone have parted And your lonely heart yearns While you're there broken hearted Suddenly he returns That's something to dance about With someone to dance it with Pick something to dance it to To a fox-trot or a waltz To a Charleston or a waltz To a Tango or a waltz [Blues tempo:] Dance to the blues Something to dance about Someone to dance it with Something to dance it to Blues [Rhumba tempo:] Dance it to a rhumba Ah [Coda:] To a fox-trot, Charleston, Tango or a waltz Ooh-ah, ooh-ah 11.Once Upon a Time Today  Once Upon A Time Today I would like you to listen Pay attention and listen To a story that's old, but never stale I would like you to listen Pay attention and listen To a twentieth century fairy tale Once there was a princess Once there was a guy And they fell in love one wonderful day But she was a princess He was just a guy So there was the royal devil to pay They were ordered not to speak to one another And they knew the sorrow that would bring Still, they promised not to speak to one another But they didn't promise not to sing So beneath her window tenderly he sang All the things he promised never to say Once upon a time today He collected lots of corny little phrases Like "I love you, dear" and "You're for me" But he found that when he set them all to music They were just as good as poetry So beneath her window tenderly he sang "How about that happy ending in May?" Once upon a time today [British version substitutes "ordinary" for "corny little".] 12.They Like Ike  They Like Ike The presidential year will soon be drawing near The people soon will choose their fav'rite son I wonder what they'll do in nineteen fifty-two I wonder who they'll send to Washington They like Ike And Ike is good on a mike They like Ike -But Ike says he don't wanna That makes Ike The kind of feller they like And what's more They seem to think he's gonna -But Harry won't get out -They're in for plenty of fights -Harry won't get out -He's got squatter's rights But there's Ike And Ike is good on a mike And they know The votes that he can carry -But don't forget there's Harry But they like Ike [2] For nearly twenty years we've had the people's cheers The Democrats continue to advance Of course, they could arrange to make a sudden change But none's around who seems to have a chance Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta They like Ike And Ike is good on a mike They like Ike -But Ike says he's not bidding That makes Ike The kind of feller they like And what's more They seem to think he's kidding -But Harry won't consent -They'll get a sock on the jaw -Republican President? -That's against the law If it's Ike Your Chief can go on a hike And we boys Will see he doesn't tarry -Please don't do that to Harry! But they like Ike [3] They won't take Saltonstall and Sasscer's chance is small The same would go for Vandenburg and Taft And Dewey's right in line with William Jennings Bryan There isn't anyone that they can draft Except for the fact that They like Ike And Ike is good on a mike They like Ike -But Ike says he won't take it That makes Ike The kind of feller they like And what's more They seem to think he'll make it -But Harry's on the ground -And should Republicans win -When they come around -He won't let them in If it's Ike Your Chief can get on his bike And his things A moving van will carry -They can't do that to Harry! But they like Ike 13.(I Wonder Why) You're Just In Love  [Kenneth:] I hear singing and there's no one there I smell blossoms and the trees are bare All day long I seem to walk on air I wonder why I wonder why I keep tossing in my sleep at night And what's more I've lost my appetite Stars that used to twinkle in the skies Are twinkling in my eyes I wonder why [Sally:] You don't need analyzing It is not so surprising That you feel very strange but nice Your heart goes pitter patter I know just what's the matter Because I've been there once or twice Put your head on my shoulder You need someone who's older A rubdown with a velvet glove There is nothing you can take To relieve that pleasant ache You're not sick You're just in love