The Simpsons S1E13 - English Transcript

Now to our own pie in the sky--|Bill Pie in the KBBL trafficcopter. -So come in, Bill. |- Bad news, drivers. There's an overturned melon truck|on the interstate. Oh, it's a mess. There's lots of rubber neck in gandmelon|wrestling going on, so expect delays-- - Hey, doughnuts!|- Bart, there's one left, and it's mine. Oh! - Aw, Homer!|- Aw, Dad! - Uh-oh, schoolbus! Cool your jets, man. We're comin'. You forgot the special lunches I made. - That's okay, Mom!|- We got money! - Now, just a darn--|- Aah! Mmm. Oh. - This is Bill Pie, your pie|in the sky, saying good-bye. |-KBBL Well, Maggie,|it's just you and me again. This is KBBL,|K-Babble, all talk, 24 hours a day. If you'd like to shareyour|embarrassing problem with our audience, we inviteyou to call our therapist|of the airwaves, Dr. Marvin Monroe. Our number is 555-PAI N. Don't be afraid. Call now. - Hello. |I'd like to talk to Dr. Monroe. |- First name, age, problem? I'm Marge, 34,|and my problem is my husband. He doesn't listen to me. |He doesn't appreciate me. I don't know how much more|of this I can-- Save your whining for when|you're on the air, okay? Okay, let's see. |Next we have Marge. She's 34 and trapped in|a loveless sham of a marriage. Hey, turn it up. |I love hearing those wackos. - Tell me 'bout your husband, Marge. |- Well-- When we were dating,|he was sweeter and more romantic and 40 pounds thinner, and he had hair,|and he ate with utensils. -What was that last thing you said? Ah. Isn't that your wife, Homer? Don't be ridiculous. |My wife worships the ground I walk on. Marge,|it's what I call "harsh reality time. " Your husband sees you as nothing. - Oh. Okay. Well, thank you. |- No, no, no, don't hang up. The pig has made you|into his mother. You are not the hot love object|you deserve to be. - Really?|- I'm as sure of it as I'm sure|my voice is annoying. Tonight, the second|he comes through that front door, you've got to tell him you're fed up,|and if he doesn't start loving,|you will be leaving. Leave Homer? - Don't use his real name!|- Leave Pedro? - Can you be that honest?|- Yeah. - You'll tell him right when|he comes home from work. |- Yeah! - Say it likeyou mean it. |- Yeah! - Attagirl. Come on, Bart. Not again. - Where's your sense of humor? - Moe's Tavern. |- Hello. Is Al there? - Al?|- Yeah, Al. Last name, Coholic. Lemme check. Phone call for Al, Al Coholic! - Is there an Al Coholic here? Wait a minute. Listen,|you little yellow-bellied rat ***. If I ever find out who you are,|I'll kill ya! I hope you do find|that punk someday, Moe. Fill 'er up. Is eveything okay?|Usually you have a quick one, some peanuts, beefjerky,|pickled eggs, and you're outta here. Let'sjust say I don't feel|like goin' home tonight. jar, please. Hey, you can level with me. - You got a domestic situation?|- You might say that. My wife's gonna leave me|'cause she thinks I'm a pig. - Homer. |- What? - Marge is right. You are a pig. |You can ask anyone in this bar. |- What? Hey, Barney, am I a pig? You're no more ofa pig than I am. - Oh, no!|- See? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Lary's a pig. |We're all pigs. Except for one difference. Once in a while,|we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off|and act like human beings. Homer, buy your wife some flowers and|take her out for a night on the town. Candles, table cloth,|the whole nine yards. Gee, a romantic evening. |Nah, she's too smart to fall for that. I'm not done. After dinner, the two of you are going to check|into the fanciest motel in town and not check out until|the next morning, if you get my drift. I read you loud and clear. |Heh, heh, heh, heh! - Wow, a quarter past 6:00. - What's keeping Dad?|- Yeah, who'd possibly be late|on meatloaf night? Uh, I'd like some flowers. - What kind of flowers?|- You know, pretty ones, not dead. We have some beautiful|long-stem roses. - They're $55 a dozen. |- One, please. - Hey, Mom. |- How 'bout some grub? - Aaah! Your|husband sees you as nothing, as nothing. The pig has made you|into his mother, his mother. You are not the hot love object|you deserve to be, deserve to be,|deserve to be. If he doesn't start loving, leave him,|leave him, leave him, leave him. Marge, I, uh--|love you. No, that's not good. Marge, honey, I love you. Oh. Um-- Marge, I loveya, baby. Marge, sweetie,"hooney," honey-- Ah, this'll never work. - I love you, Marjorie. |- Oh, Homer. I love you too. Mmmwha! - A little predinner entertainment. - Moe's Tavern. |- Is Oliver there? - Who?|- Oliver Klozoff. Hold on. I'll check. Oliver Klozoff! - Call for Oliver Klozoff! And I made reservations|at the Chez Paree. But, Homer, it's so expensive. It matters not, mon frere. |And after desserts, we'll adjourn to our second-floor room|at the Offramp Inn. Oh, Homer!|I feel giddy! Wait. What about a baby-sitter? - Oops. |- Not to wory. Listen, ya lousy bum. |If I ever get a hold of you,|I'll cut your belly open. Goodness. Must be a crossed wire. - Rubber Baby Buggy|Bumper Baby-sitting Service. |- This is Marge Simpson. -I'd like a baby-sitter for the evening. |-Wait a minute. The Simpsons. Lady, you've gotta be kidding! - Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper|Baby-sitting Service. Hello. This is Mr. S-Sampson. Did your wife just call a second ago? - No, I said Sampson, not Simpson. |- Thank God! Those Simpsons,|what a bunch ofsavages! - Especially that big-ape father. |- Doh! Actually, the Simpsons|are neighbors of ours, and we've found them to be a quite|misunderstood and underrated family. Mom, you look so glamorous. Well, tonight is a vey special night. Your father is taking me out|for dinner and dancing. - Dad dances?|- Like an angel. Ba, ba Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba-ba|ba-ba, ba, ba Ba, ba, ba, ba-ba - Ba-ba, ba-ba, ba, ba|ba, ba, ba-ba|- Work that body, Homer. - You know, one day you'll learn|to move like your old man. |- Not ifl can help it. Son, there's not a woman alive who can resist a man|who knows how to mambo. - You don't have a clue, do you, Dad?|- Out, boy. - Out!|- What a grump. Hm. Hm. Hmm! Hm, hm. Hmm? Hee. Smooth as a baby's behind! Ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-ba|ba-ba, ba-ba, ba, ba - Precious, I think I hear the doorbell. I think you're right, dumplin'. |Bart! Get the door! Aye, aye, mambo man. Oof! - Ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-ba|ba-ba, ba, ba|- You must be the baby-sitter. - Yes. I am Miss Botz. |-just don't stand there, boy. - Help Miss Botz with her suitcases. |- I can handle my own luggage. Thank you for coming|on such short notice. Here are the phone numbers of|the restaurant where we'll be dining and the motel where we'll|be spending the night. You'll have to put Maggie to bed now,|but Bart and Lisa can stay up|for another hour. Until then, they can watch|a tape from ourvideo libray. Oh, boy! The Happy Little Elves|Meet the Curious Bear Cub. Oh, the Elves! The Elves! - Bye, kids! Watch out for the boy. Mmmwha! Bye, now. |Mmmwha! Be good. - Mmmwha! Gotta go. |-Ba, ba Ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-ba|ba-ba, ba, ba Come, children. |Let's go watch The Happy Little Elves. We've seen the Crappy Little Elves|about 14 billion times. - Maybe we can watch some real TV. |- We're gonna watch the tape. Aw! That's merely suggested|viewing matter, lady. Mom lets us watch|what ever we want. I said you're gonna watch this tape. And you're gonna do what I say,|or I'm gonna do something to you. And I don't know what that is, because|eveybody has always done what I say. They all look so tasty, but I think I'll eat|this one right there. - Why don't you pick one|that's a little more frisky, sir. |- Why? Well, when you choose one|that's floating upside down, it somewhat defeats the purpose|ofselecting a live lobster. Oh, okay. Then I'll take|that one there with the beady eyes. Excellent choice, sir. |May I lead you to your table? Oui, oui. After you. And I'll be seeing you later. Help! Help! Faster, faster!|We gotta save Bubbles. Oh, man, I can't take it anymore. - But I want to see what happens!|- You know what happens. They find Captain Kook's treasure. All the elves dance around|like idiots. I puke. The end. Bart, you're just like Chilly,|the elf who cannot love. - Now for some real TV. All right!|America's Most Armed and Dangerous. Oh, no! Bart!|We'll have nightmares! Relax. This is cinema verite. When the brutal, slow-motion killing|starts, I'll tell you to shut your eyes. The Cue Ball Killer should be considered|extremely armed and dangerous. if you think you've seen him,|call 1 -800-U-SQUEAL. Homer, you look just like a little boy. - 'Cause I'm so care free?|- No, because you're wearing a bib. - More champagne?|- Mmm. Whoops. Time for a fill-up. Garcon! Another bottle of|your second-least-expensive champagne. The defenseless youngsters were tied up|and gagged in the living room while the bandit roamed|through the house at will, stealing the valuable objects it took|the family a lifetime to shop for. You know, Marge,|this is just like when we were dating. Except for one thing--|no chaperone. Ho, ho, hoo! The Baby-sitter Bandit has left a trail|ofher daring nighttime robberies across the continental|United States. She could be lurking anywhere, about to descend upon another house|full ofunsuspecting dupes. - Eee!|- Wow! In a moment, we will show you a picture|of the real Baby-sitter Bandit, Miss Lucille Botzcowski. - Remember, she may be using|a clever alias|- Botz! and should be considered|armed and dangerous! - Aaah!|- Aaah! -Aaah!|-Aaah! Run for it! - Oh, no! Don't forget to tell me|when you see the Offramp. Oh, thereit-- went. No problemo. |We'll just get offat the next exit. Bart. Bart. Bart. Bart. Hmm. Time to brush your teeth,|wash your face and say your prayers. Areyou in here? Oh! Homemade pickled beets. Go ahead. Take 'em all. Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it|would be really silly to dwell on this. - Come on! Come on! - Finally! Hello, vigilant viewer. You have reached|America's Most Armed and Dangerous. I'm calling to report the Baby-sitter|Bandit! She's in our house right-- Come on, Marge. |Let me carry you over the threshold. Okay, but watch out. |Don't slam my head like last time. Sheesh! Eleven years ago,|and you've never forgotten it! - Don't muss my hair!|- Ohh! Oh! Oh! Yi! Oh! Yeow! Yi! Oh! Yeow! - Whee! This is fun! We know who you are, Miss Botz. Or should I say Miss Botzcowski? - You're the Baby-sitter Bandit. |- You're a smart, young man, Bart. - I hope you're smart enough|to keep your mouth shut. |- He isn't. You're crazy if you think you're gonna|get awaywith this. You can't-- I'm really not a bad person. |Here. While I finish up, you guys can watch the rest|of your favorite videocassette. Quiet, Bart!|Let's make the best of this. Maybe I'll go slip into something|a little more comfortable. Oh! Your blue thing with the things? - You'll see. |- Well, shake a leg, mama. Kidstuff! Hardly worth it. Lottajunk. Soileds. Stupid Sampsons. - Maggie! Maggie! Come here! - Good-bye!|- Good-bye, eveybody! - Bye!|- Yea! Maggie, wanna watch|The Happy Little Elves again? Okay, but you have|to untie me first. Oh, Homer! Oh, ho, ho, ho. - Oh, so you got out of your crib. I guess you need|to be tied up too. - Maggie, where are you? - Maggie! Maggie! - Heh, heh, heh. Homer, would it spoil the mood|if I called home, you know, just to check on the kids? Homer, wake up!|There's no answer at home. - So?|-So I'm worried. |I think we should go home. All right. I suppose my workhere is done. |Heh, heh, heh, heh! Hello, vigilant viewer. |How may we help you? We caught her!|We caught the Baby-sitter Bandit!|She's tied up at our house. - Ask if there's a reward. |- Is there a reward? - If she's convicted, we get T-shirts!|- Yeah! - How come all the lights are on?|- I don't like the looks of this. - Miss Botz! - Good Lord! What have those little|hellions done now? We're so sorry. |We're so sorry! Please turn off the TV. I can't tell you how chagrined we are|about all of this. Oh, these things are heavy. Just so there's no hard feelings,|here's double your pay. - No, no, triple. |- Thank you. - Mr. Sampson,|can I give you a bit of advice?|- Sure. - Don't turn your back|on that boy for a second. Ain't that the truth?|You know, one time he-- - Huh? This way to the scene of the crime,|men! I got her tied up in the den. Just a minute, young man! I don't know what kind of shenanigans|you've been pulling this time, but I just had to untie your baby-sitter|and pay her off so that-- Excuse me. Are you saying to the world|that you just aided and abetted the escape of the notorious|Baby-sitter Bandit? - The what?|- The Baby-sitter Bandit. Oh, uh, a-are you sure|this microphone works? Uh, well, I wouldn't say I aided her. |This is on, right? Because actually|it was quite a struggle. Oh, Homer! Have you ever seen a kung fu movie?|It was just like that. But now I know her moves. |So, if you're listening to me, lady, you'd better think long and hard|before tying something like this|on Homer Simpson again! - Lord, help me. |I'm just not that bright. Oh, Homer, don't say that. The way I see it,|if you raise three children who can knock out|and hogtie a perfect stranger,|you must be doing something right. Yeah. Yeah! Mmmmwha! Honey, can we make up again? Oh, my goodness! - Shh!