Franz Kafka's Jealousy!

>> [ HUMMING ] ♪ LA LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪ ♪ LA-LA LA LA ♪ ♪ LA LA-LA LA LA ♪ ♪ LA LA LA ♪ ♪ LA LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪ ♪ LA LA-LA LA ♪ ♪ LA LA LA LA ♪ [ SIGHS ] I KNOW YOU'RE THERE, GRIFFIN. I MEAN, I SUPPOSE IF YOU WEREN'T AT THIS POINT, I'D BE INSULTED. [ SIGHS ] TOWEL, PLEASE. >> [ GROAN ] OH! WHOOPS. [ CHUCKLES ] >> [ SIGHS ] >> AHH, OOH-OOH! HOW'D YOU KNOW I WAS HERE? >> BECAUSE YOU'RE A PERVERT. THAT'S HOW. YOU'RE ALWAYS HERE WHEN I BATHE. >> SO, I SUPPOSE I SHOULD BE TAKING A NICE LEISURELY STROLL OUTSIDE INSTEAD. >> GOD FORBID. >> HA! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT BEING INVISIBLE. IT'S A BLOODBATH OUT THERE -- BIRD AND BUGS! >> IT'LL BE A BLOODBATH IN HERE IF VICTOR CATCHES YOU. YOU KNOW HOW UNBELIEVABLY JEALOUS HE GETS. >> HA! JUST LET HIM CATCH ME! I'M THE INVISIBLE MAN! [ LAUGHS MANICALLY ] >> Frankenstein: HOW DARE YOU?! >> I DIDN'T TOUCH HER! >> DEAR, PLEASE. I'M NAKED. >> SO AM I! >> Frankenstein: ME JEALOUS? HA! THAT'S A REAL LAUGH, ELIZABETH! A REAL LAUGH! I MEAN, "A," I AM A HANDSOME, YOUNG, IMMORTAL GENIUS WHO IS THREATENED BY ABSOLUTELY NO ONE! AND "B," JEALOUSY IS A WASTE OF BRAIN ACTIVITY! I HAVE MANY MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN BE "UNBELIEVABLY JEALOUS"! >> [ Flatly ] OKAY. YOU CAUGHT ME. >> Frankenstein: HELLO, GRIFFIN. HOPE YOU'RE WELL. >> UM, I'M OKAY, I GUESS. >> Frankenstein: GOOD, GOOD! OFF TO WORK! TAKE CARE, OLD BOY! >> HEY! >> HA HA! >> WHAT?! DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. >> LIKE WHAT? >> MEN. >> SERIOUSLY, LIKE WHAT? [ THUNDER CRASHES ] >> [ SCREECHES ] >> [ HOWLS ] >> ♪ BEYOND SPACE AND TIME ♪ ♪ STRANGER THAN THE SOUL ♪ ♪ IS THE WORLD ♪ ♪ DEEP INSIDE THE FRANKENHOLE ♪ >> AAH! >> ♪ LEAVE ALL HOPE BEHIND ♪ ♪ GIVE UP ALL CONTROL ♪ ♪ TAKE MY HAND ♪ ♪ WE'RE GOING DOWN THE FRANKENHOLE ♪ >> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ] >> [ PANTING ] >> HEY, MAN. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU BELONGED TO THIS HEALTH CLUB. >> Frankenstein: [ SIGHS ] WITH ALL THE TIME ELIZABETH SPENDS IN OUR BATHROOM, I NEED A MEMBERSHIP HERE JUST TO MAKE MY LITTLE DOODY. >> LITTLE DOODY?! VICTOR, IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL YOUR SCRAWNY GENITALIA THAT IS NOW WITHERING PATHETICALLY IN THE PRESENCE OF MY OVERGROWN MEMBER? >> Frankenstein: IT'S NOT EVEN THAT BIG OF A DIFFERENCE. >> WELL, WITH THE LADIES, EVEN A SMIDGEN HELPS TO... SQUIDGE 'EM! >> Frankenstein: "SQUIDGE 'EM"? WHAT LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING? >> LOOK AT YOU! HE IS SO JEALOUS, KNOWING THAT THIS BIG FELLER OF MINE HAS BEEN INSIDE YOUR WIFE! [ LAUGHS ] YOU DOUGHNUT! [ SCREECHES ] >> Frankenstein: THAT'S THE SECOND TIME TODAY SOMEONE'S INSINUATED THAT I WAS JEALOUS. FIRST ELIZABETH WITH THE INVISIBLE MAN... >> THAT GUY? MAN, I SAW HIM WHEN HE WAS VISIBLE, AND THAT DUDE NEEDED A NOSE JOB LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS. >> Frankenstein: AND SHE THOUGHT I'D BE JEALOUS OF HIM! >> LOOK, MAN, IF YOU DON'T ACT JEALOUS, HELL, THAT'S PROOF ENOUGH, AIN'T IT? >> Frankenstein: YOU'RE RIGHT, JOE. MY ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN MY WORDS. IN FACT, I'LL EVEN TAKE FURTHER ACTION AND TAKE OUT A SINGLES AD IN THE LOCAL PAPER SOLICITING MEN TO COME AND HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE! >> I THINK THAT MIGHT BE GOIN' JUST A LITTLE BIT TOO FAR. >> Frankenstein: NONSENSE! YGOR, WRITE THIS DOWN! "WANTED -- ANY AND ALL MEN TO HAVE *** INTERCOURSE WITH MY LOVING AND CARING WIFE. NO STRINGS OR JEALOUSY ATTACHED!" OH! AH, HELLO, GRIFFIN. WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU. >> OH? GOOD, I HOPE. >> Frankenstein: WELL, YOU INSPIRED THIS AD I'M PUTTING IN THE LOCAL PAPER FOR MEN TO COME AROUND MY PLACE TO SCREW ELIZABETH. >> REALLY? COUNT ME IN. [ WHISTLE! ] >> Frankenstein: [ SHUDDERS ] OH, MY GOD! IT'S HUGE! >> WHAT? >> Frankenstein: UM, YOUR NOSE. >> DAMN STEAM! YOU DON'T HAVE A STREAM BATH IN YOUR HOUSE, DO YOU? >> Frankenstein: NO. >> OH, GREAT! DON'T LET ME STOP YOU WRITING THAT AD. >> Frankenstein: HUH? OH, OH. YES, YES. [ CHUCKLES ] QUITE RIGHT. UM... "MY WIFE IS A VERY BEAUTIFUL AND HEALTHY FEMALE. NO STDs. ALTHOUGH, SHE...IS... ALLERGIC TO LARGE PENISES!" YES! "SO NONE OF THOSE PLEASE. ALL OTHERS INTERESTED, COME AND GET IT THIS FRIDAY NIGHT!" YGOR, WRITE DOWN MY ADDRESS AND CALL IT IN TO THE PAPER FOR IMMEDIATE DISTRIBUTION! >> Ygor: [ Laughing ] YOU GOT IT. >> SO, HOW LARGE A *** IS SHE ALLERGIC TO? >> Frankenstein: OH, ABOUT, UH...THIIIIIIIIS BIG. [ TING! ] >> OH. >> Frankenstein: [ CHUCKLES ] SORRY, OLD CORK. [ BIRD CHIRPS ] >> OW! DAMN IT! KICK YOU IN THE WATER! [ SIGHS ] >> COME ON, KITTY! >> MEOW. >> HELLO, LITTLE PEASANT GIRL. >> OH! WHO'S THERE? >> ME, JACK GRIFFIN. THE INVISIBLE MAN! >> ARE YOU A MONSTER? >> OH, HO, HO, HEAVENS, NO! I'M A BRILLIANT MAD SCIENTIST WHO HAS CREATED A SERUM FOR INVISIBILITY. UNFORTUNATELY, I'VE YET TO CREATE A SERUM FOR... VISIBILITY. >> YOU DON'T NEED A SERUM FOR THAT! >> NOT MOST PEOPLE, NO. BUT I DO. >> MEOW. >> AND YET I STILL ENJOY LIFE, AND THOUGH I'M INVISIBLE, IT'S BETTER THAN MOST HAVE IT AROUND HERE. I MEAN, I'M INVISIBLE, YES, BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT AN UGLY MONSTER. >> WERE YOU UGLY WHEN YOU WEREN'T INVISIBLE? >> MEOW. >> EH, I... NO. I DID ALL RIGHT, UH, DATED A LITTLE. WENT STEADY WITH A CUTE-ENOUGH BIRD, YOU KNOW. SHE WAS FINE. I, UH [CHUCKLES] I THINK SHE BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE I WAS OBSESSED WITH MY WORK. >> REALLY? >> MEOW? >> I SAID "I THINK"! >> MEOW! >> SORRY! SO, HOW DO YOU MAKE YOUR CLOTHES INVISIBLE? >> MEOW? >> HOW'S THAT? >> WELL, A SERUM'S NOT A POTION. WHEN YOU DRINK IT, IT GOES INTO YOUR BODY, NOT YOUR CLOTHES. >> MEOW. >> YEAH. THAT'S TRUE, I, UH, SUPPOSE. >> SO... >> MEOW... >> WELL, MY CLOTHES AREN'T INVISIBLE, PER SE. >> MEOW? >> I... TAKE THEM OFF. >> WAIT, YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A POOR LITTLE PEASANT GIRL WHILE YOU'RE... NAKED? >> MEOW? >> YES. >> AAH! >> ALL RIGHT! I'M LEAVING! DON'T SCREAM! OW! OUCH! OH, BUGS IN MY TEETH! [ SPITS ] >> Frankenstein: [ LAUGHS MANIACALLY ] OH, THIS IS EXCELLENT! >> WHAT'S SO EXCELLENT? >> OOH, OOH! UM, UH, J-J-JUST THE OBITUARIES! DO YOU KNOW THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY DIED OF OLD AGE? IN OUR LITTLE TOWN! >> IMAGINE THAT! LET ME SEE. >> Frankenstein: OH [LAUGHS] [ STAMMERING ] >> THOSE AREN'T THE OBITUARIES! YOU'RE READING THE SINGLES ADS! >> Frankenstein: ARE THEY? [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ] WELL [STAMMERING] AAH! >> ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME JEALOUS? >> Frankenstein: NO, NO! THE OPPOSITE. >> WELL, I AM NOT GOING TO STICK AROUND HERE AND BE MADE A FOOL OF! GOODBYE! >> Frankenstein: NO, WAIT! ELIZABETH! I NEED YOU HERE TONIGHT! OH, DOODY! [ THUNDER CRASHES ] >> WHOA! FRANKENSTEIN'S GIVING AWAY FREE *** TONIGHT AT HIS PLACE FOR ANYONE WITH AN UNDER-AVERAGE-SIZE ***! >> LET'S GO! >> YEAH! I'VE GOT A LITTLE ONE! >> OH, YEAH? YOU, TOO? [ LAUGHTER ] >> AAAAAHHH! >> MARINA! SHUT UP! YOU HAVE TO STOP ALL THIS SCREAMING! >> FATHER, THE INVISIBLE MAN! HE SCARED ME! >> SO WHAT? THAT'S WHAT MONSTERS DO FOR A LIVING -- SCARE! >> WELL, BUT HE -- HE WAS NAKED, PAPA! [ CRYING ] >> W-W-WHAT?! BURN THE INVISIBLE MAN! [ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] [ FIRE CRACKLING ] >> GET THE NAKED ONE! >> MEOW. [ THUNDER CRASHES ] >> COME ON, BRAH! WE'RE *** OUT HERE! >> SINGLE FILE. ONE AT A TIME. UNZIP YOUR FLIES SO I CAN SEE YOUR MINISCULE MANHOOD. [ ZIP! ] TOO BIG. >> THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID, BRAH. >> Frankenstein: ANY SIGN OF ELIZABETH? >> NOT HIDE NOR HAIR. >> Frankenstein: DAMN IT! I'VE GOT DOZENS OF IMPATIENT LITTLE PENISES IN THERE! >> OH, YES. THE SMALLEST. >> YEAH, IT'S TINY! WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! >> I CAN'T EVEN SEE MINE. >> Frankenstein: OOH, EVERYTHING'S SO PERFECT! IF ONLY ELIZABETH -- [ TIRES SCREECH ] OH, THERE YOU ARE! >> ALLERGIC TO LARGE PENISES?! >> Frankenstein: DON'T TURN THIS ON ME! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? >> FOILED AGAIN, FRANKENSTEIN! I TOOK HER TO A TAFFY PULL! >> Frankenstein: SOUNDS YUMMY. NOW GET IN THERE AND LET ME PROVE TO YOU THAT I'M NOT JEALOUS! >> I AM NOT GOING IN THERE! >> Frankenstein: OH, YES, YOU ARE! BECAUSE I...AM...OPEN! >> WELL, MY LEGS ARE NOT! [ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] >> SORRY, VICTOR, BUT I HAVE TO GO IN YOUR CASTLE! >> Frankenstein: HOLD UP! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, GRIFFIN? I TOLD YOU ABOUT ELIZABETH'S CONDITION! >> I GOT A REDUCTION! LET ME THROUGH! >> Frankenstein: OH, OKAY. UH, OFF YOU GO THEN. >> [ PANTING ] >> HE'S IN THERE! BLOW UP THE CASTLE! >> HE'S IN THERE! HE'S IN THERE! GET OUT OF MY WAY! NOW BLOW IT UP! OH, HELL YES! >> Both: NO! >> WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. YOUR JEALOUSY OF LARGER PENISES KILLED A HUGE PERCENTAGE OF THE TOWN'S MALE POPULATION. >> CORRECTION! YOU HAVE KILLED OFF EVERY MAN WITH SMALLER *** THAN YOU. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, MR. SMALLEST *** IN THE TOWN NOW?! [ LAUGHS ] YOU DOUGHNUT! [ LAUGHS MANIACALLY ] >> [ GROANS ] [ GROANING CONTINUES ] [ GROANING CONTINUES ] [ GROANING CONTINUES ] [ INHALES SHARPLY ] [ GROANING CONTINUES ] [ GROANING CONTINUES ] [ WHIMPERS ]