Night Court S2E14 - English Transcript

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Sir, Miss Harper, the assigned legal-aid attorney, hasn't shown up yet. - Give her a few more minutes. - Yes, sir. - Hey, Mac, you wanna see something neat? - Oh, could I, sir? Come here. Look. Ta-da. Wow. Thanks for sharing that, sir. Those are sea monkeys, Mac. Yeah. Cute little fellas, aren't they? Okay, I admit they're small, but they're definitely in there. [KNOCKING ON DOOR] - Your Honor, I was wondering... - Hey, Dan, come here, look at this. Oh, Harry... - Finest sea monkeys I've ever seen. - Yeah. I've been seeing ads for these for years in comics. I finally broke down and bought some. They come in this package. You just add water and stir them up, and voilâ. Instant pets. Heh. You're really an '80s kind of guy, aren't you, Your Honor? Yeah. And they do tricks too. Watch this. Look at them go, huh? - Can you see what they're doing? - Yes, sir. They're settling. Sorry I'm late. First they send me to Brooklyn, I get to Brooklyn, they send me to Manhattan. Mixed me up with some other attorney, Sue Harper. Same last name, short girl, red hair, do you know her? I grab a cab, rush over, interview my clients and here I am. It's gonna be a pleasure working with you, Judge Stone. That's Judge Stone. The guy with the jar of silt? - Welcome, Miss Harper. - Oh, Your Honor. Heh. - Ready whenever you are, sir. - Okay, just a minute, Bull. I had another package of sea monkeys. I thought I'd whip up a fresh batch. - Now, where are they? - I took them, sir. - I didn't know you wanted them both. - Oh, that's okay, Bull. Thank you, sir. But if you want my opinion... ...I still think the kind with the little alphabet noodles taste better. First case, Your Honor. - What do we got? - Take a peek. She's also there. They didn't say there would be all these people. BULL: Settle down, everybody. Stop the talking. MAN 2: You don't have to push me. MAN 3: Hey! The little fella said to be quiet. Has this place been checked for alien listening devices? [WHISTLES] All clear. Incredible what they can do with microchips, isn't it? I've got a radar installation in my pants. It's better to be safe than sorry. - Dan, are they wearing pajamas? - Hmm? I'll check. - Hey, I really like your pajamas. - Thank you. - Yup. - Would the defense step forward, please? MAN 1: I'm sorry. - He meant me, really. - You all don't have to come up here. - They don't want us to hear. - They wanna tell secrets about us. - Don't take that personally. He's not in his right mind. - Hey, thanks, big guy. - Mr. Prosecutor... He's about 7'4" and mentally unstable, Your Honor. - Say, thanks, big guy. - You're welcome. According to this, the defendants are inpatients... ...at the Morningdale Psychiatric Hospital. [IN HIGH VOICE] Hey, what about me? - Pardon? - There are five of us. - You forgot me, stupid. - That's Gilbert. He's, um, Alan's other personality, Your Honor. Sir, I called the hospital to let them know that their patients are still on this planet. Thanks, you've obviously had prior experience with... Unhealthy minds? Oh, yeah. In Nam, one guy in our unit really burnt out all his circuits. Went running around the compound screaming, "Kill, kill." Crazy as hell, boy. - What did they do with him? - Made him an officer. - [IN NORMAL VOICE] Hi. - Hi, what's the problem? My father. He never showed me any affection. - I meant the legal problem. - Uh, Your Honor, in a nutshell... [LAUGHS] To summarize, uh, they took a long taxicab ride and then refused to pay for it. [SHOUTING] From the West Side where they flagged me, over to Gracie Mansion... ...to downtown, back to the U.N. You wanna talk about hell on wheels! - Shot in the dark, cab driver? - Elmore Watkins, Your Honor. And when I finally dropped them at city hall, they stiffed me. Claimed they didn't have no money in their pajamas. All right, Elmore. There's really no need to yell. Who's yelling? I always talk like this. Your Honor, a brief struggle ensued. - Now, nothing serious... ELMORE: Nothing serious? - This guy here punched me. - [AS GILBERT] You started it, melon head. - That hand is lying, Your Honor. HARRY: All right. All right, let's put a lid on it, huh? My name is Wendell. Uh, yeah, Wendell Martin. Yes, I see that here. Does the prosecution have anything material to add? What's your name? Dan. Can you say "Dan"? - Dan... - Good. Wendell, we really have to keep things moving here. We only have about three hours till dinner. - Look at the size of that guy. - Must be a gland problem. - I bet he's taller than you. - So, what am I, a pygmy? So he's taller, so what? You're more lumbering. Thank you, Selma. I don't see anything to suggest premeditation, do you, Mr. Prosecutor? Hey, nice suit. Who shines it for you? - Why don't you put a mitten on it? - All right, no more name-calling, huh? - This is Ann, Your Honor. - Hi, Ann. I don't think she'll answer you, Harry. - She never talks at all. - Never? She hasn't said a word to anyone in seven years. Well, she ain't gonna start now. Mr. Watkins... Your Honor, these people should be locked up. They have been locked up. And that's exactly why they were in your cab. Is it just me, or did you follow that? What I meant, Your Honor... ...is the reason they wanted Mr. Watkins to take them someplace, anyplace... ...was so that they could report abuses that were occurring at the hospital. - What sort of abuses? - Um... We made a list. It's, uh, kind of hard to read. It's kind of hard to write on. They never said nothing about reporting abuses. They were too busy taking turns rolling my windows up and down. Oh, thank God they're all right. - They didn't kill anybody, did they? - No. I just want you to know that I am very, very cross with you people. Excuse me, you are? Oh, Dr. Laurence Osborne, Morningdale Hospital. I got here as quickly as I could, Your Honor. Doctor, this is Dan, my new friend. Tell your friend he dresses like a clown. Alan, knock it off. Don't let him fool you. True multiple personalities are practically non-existent. - Isn't it possible that he's the exception? - Can't you see his lips moving? - Conference, Your Honor. - Yeah. Excuse us, doctor. - What you got, Dan? - A face like a grapefruit. We're dealing with misdemeanors. I say we drop the charges, and get these people back to Hotel Happiness. - Lf there's no objection... - Objection. I don't think you understand what just happened here. He dropped the case. I'm not gonna let you railroad these people out of here. Now, judge, I feel it is imperative that my clients be given a chance... ...to air their grievances in open court. Their grievances are not the issue here. And besides, I think there's a pretty big question as to their competency. No one has offered any proof that they're incompetent. Proof? The guy over there is conversing with his fist. I'm afraid I gotta go along with Dan on this one, counselor. Due to the, uh, unusual circumstances... ...the court drops the charges against the defendants... ...and remands them to the custody of their psychiatrist. All right, come along, people. That's enough reality for one day. - We're being poisoned, you know. - In the hospital? No, no, our entire planet. By the forces of intergalactic evil: Microbes, germs, bacteria... ...reproducing themselves at a rate you would not believe. That's why it's so important to brush after every meal. - Mr. Dworkin. - Hey, what about me? Them eight-balls waltz out of here, and I get nothing for my trouble? Ha, ha! I don't believe this. This is insane. Depends on your point of view, Mr. Watkins. Insane seems to be a relative term. Right, Mac? I saw them swimming around, I swear, sir. Hey, did they come through here? - Who, your patients? - As soon as I was in the corridor, they... ...grabbed my bag and made a run for it. - Bull, seal off the building. - For Heaven's sakes, get that bag back. - I assume there were drugs in that bag? - Among other things. - Among what other things? Well, a syringe, a stethoscope, a blood-pressure cuff... ...a revolver. Ahem. - Did you say a revolver? - Mac, call security. Look, my wife always worries about my safety... ...so she gave it to me as an anniversary present. - Eleven years, that's steel. - What do I tell security, sir? We're looking for mentally unhinged people that have a bagful of drugs and a weapon. Yeah, and one of them is 7'4" and they're all wearing pajamas. [LAUGHS] I wanna listen on the extension. I really didn't need this. If anything happens, I'll feel so responsible. You are responsible. All right, people, let's not chew up the furniture, huh? I'm sure they're still here in the building... ...somewhere. - Oh, Wendell, what are you doing? - Hiding. Ain't gonna work for you indoors, Wendell. No cloud cover. Wendell, where are the others? All I know is, they don't wanna go back to Morningdale. - It's not nice. - Not nice? We just updated all the finger-paint sets. Obviously, there are some real problems or these people wouldn't have done this. Exactly. Obviously, there are some real problems or these people... You just said that, didn't you? You ought to wear a ski mask, skinhead. At least there's a reason why my face looks like a fist. - Where did you find him, Bull? - Cafeteria. He was standing next to the soup of the day. He was in it. They found her, they found Ann. She's holed up in the broom closet in the... I'm supposed to be hiding, aren't I? Doctor, they found the woman hiding somewhere... DWORKIN: I told them. Poor thing, she must be terrified. She'd probably be more terrified if she didn't have that snub-nosed.38. I'd better get out there. Crazy day, huh? Ann, this is Harry Stone, the judge? Listen, you got my word that I'm not gonna hurt you... ...and neither is anyone else, but you've got to come out of there. All right, if you're not coming out, then I'm coming in. Fools rush in where wise men fear to tread. My mom always said I was special. Hi. Nice place you got here. I love what you've done to it. Hey, this room is so small, you'd have to go outside to change your mind. Come on, I don't really care if you don't wanna talk. Sometimes our tongues just get us in trouble, right? Say something to someone, they take it the wrong way... ...and next thing you know, they're angry or they're hurt or they're disappointed. I mean, pfft. I've said stuff, afterwards I wanted to rip the tongue out my mouth, but I didn't do it. Because if you rip out your tongue, then your food tastes awfully bland, right? [GUN ***] Okay, a minister, a priest, and a rabbi... ...go miniature golfing... Hi, Dan. - Hi. - You ever been institutionalized? [LAUGHS] Why do you ask? People always ask me do I play basketball. But you're tall. Uh-huh. Uh, I'll have you know, I'm a very, very well-adjusted member of society. I happen to have a portfolio that's worth over $ 75,000. I always heard money couldn't buy happiness. That's sick, Wendell. Ann, I don't know what your problem is, because you won't talk to me. And I don't know why you won't talk to me. So I'm up the proverbial creek without a paddle, aren't I? Well, there, that was communication. You acknowledged me when you nodded just then. You did. You wanna try it again? Ann, do you wanna go back to the hospital? No. Because everything's bad there? No? Some things are bad there? Ann, I think maybe we can help you and your friends. I looked over this list, and most of these demands seem totally justified to me. Except for the, uh, hot-air-balloon races... ...and embalming workshop. Come on, Ann, let's go. You know, I read somewhere once, that in order to keep people... ...from staying too long and crowding up his sideshow tent... ...old P.T. Barnum painted these huge banners that said: "This way to the great egress!" And sure enough, the whole crowd just flocked over, through to the egress... ...which was the exit. Because that's what an egress is, you get it? It's a door. Not unlike this one. Ann... ...that embalming stuff, that was Gilbert's idea, wasn't it? Come on. This way to the great egress. [AS GILBERT] Stop staring at me. [IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm not staring at you, I'm trying to read my watch. Hey, gang, look who's back. [ALL SIGH] - You okay, sir? - Oh, yeah, we're fine. We talked, we sang, we had a few laughs. She talked to you? In a sense. I've gone over this list and I feel these people have made some legitimate points. Listen, buster, I happen to have prominent connections in civil law. And I'd be willing to help your patients... ...prepare a case to take you all the way to the Supreme Court, if necessary. But you were saying? For example, the right to open their own mail. Well, we feel it's important to monitor their communications from the outside... ...in case something should slip through that might disturb them. Like current events. That's a very good example, Mr. Dworkin. What about curtains between the beds? To give them, quote: "That sense of privacy and space... ...every human being needs from time to time... ...to maintain his sanity and his dignity." I wrote that. With lipstick. - Are you through, Your Honor? - No, I'm not. There's also the demand for a library, the use of personal clothing... ...longer visiting hours. I, uh, think the salad bar is negotiable. We got the makings of one juicy lawsuit here, Osborne. Listen, if you really have the patients' best interests at heart... ...you won't take me to court. - How do you figure that? - Simple. - Lf they win, I'm out of business. - Fine. Fine maybe for you and your legal principles. - But what happens to them? - Yeah, what? Chances are, they'll be put in an institution. Is that in their best interests? Oh, mercy. We'll be thrown in with the mentally ill. Well, that's exactly what you're headed for if we don't work something out. Well, forget it, doctor, because they're not interested in making any deals. What kind of deal? We might talk about extending television privileges. Absolutely not. The chance to watch a little extra TV is not what's important here. - How much TV? - No... - An extra hour a night. - Weekends or weeknights? Don't you see what he's doing? How you're being manipulated? I think we can work something out. What do you say, do we have a deal? HARPER: No. PATIENTS: Yes. You got a few crumbs. You can't give up now. Don't we have that right, Dan? What, to give up? Yes, it's sacred. No... ...to do what's in our best interests. - Judge Stone? - Of course you do, Wendell. But I think it's possible for you to get everything you've outlined here. Which includes some important stuff. All you gotta do is stick together. I think you can win. [HUMMING "BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC"] [ALL HUMMING] ALL [SINGING]: Marching on Second verse, just like the first. Okay, okay, you win. Good move, doctor. Well, I guess we'll be running along. Oh, and by the way. Ahem. No matter what you may think of my operation... ...my conscience is clean. Because I am devoting my life to doing what's right by unfortunate people. - For a profit. - Hey. Forget what you hear about software... ...the growth market of the '80s is mental illness. - Come on, Mr. Station Wagon's downstairs. - Okay. - Can I ride up front? I'd like to work that in. OSBORNE: Sure. Goodbye, Ann. Thank you very much. Bye. Oh, what does it say, Your Honor? I have no idea. Evidently, she hasn't written much either in the last seven years. When I had hair, I looked a lot taller too. Hey, Dan. Real pants. Whoa, how about that? We got some free time like Dr. Osborne promised. So we thought we'd come by... ...and visit. - Ah, ha, ha. - Good. Who? - You. So, how you been? [PLAYING "TAPS"] [PHONE RINGS] Yup. Yeah, it's Judge Stone. Sure, I could use a good joke. Mm-hm. Uh-huh. [LAUGHING] Yeah, that's funny. Who is this? [ENGLISH SDH]