Meeting Resistance - Dealing with conflict

if do the aural wrong So good evening everyone. This is Mark Bernstein. Tonight's webinar since I hope meeting resistance what causes conflict in our congregations and had to deal with it you would like to think that conflict doesn't happen ten are you you were out after our status built on the principle of continental relationships promises that we make to each other sadly you use are also human beings and using teams bumped into each other all the time we look at work differently meet different motives and these ways of communicating and coping and so we come into conflict let me tell you what we see want not talk about tonight we won't talk about comment and how to create one what to do if someone violates accommodate there are restrictions only search website over that spur so we won't be talking about cutting that's we also will be talking about SPAM Act conflict works properly brought more snow and ice system scary interest archaeon actually congregations this terrific in very lean forward many have you especially those who have taken help congregations training no doubt are well-versed in it that Walt the the focus apply presentation small instead are we talking about conflict that arises between individuals small group about complications speak of rotations to a car because people don't see eye to eye school because looking at things from totally different perspectives spot because they're vying for control restored over the congregation scared off by talking about dieting and what causes people to become actual speaker things I T begets conflict special of various ways in which leaders can create environments that meant Alliance anxiety *** on its members spot we do some basic principles and merchant for spam sweaters must always keep in mind when dealing with conflict spotted 1842 gaining trust skating agreement small talk about specific methods police parking situations that arise from cops Spanx for being with me the same thing and I hope this presentation stimulates my dearest inspiration and motivation and play so I'm very very sorry about first on we over the park a couple times during the webinar have some questions that I'm not opposed to you and if you are from with a group of people actually if you are with you which used tell us have on the chart but from it might be it will be an opportunity to take two or three minutes talk about it if you're not with a group I will give you a couple minutes to I'm reflect on the questions maybe let some things down that may be a bit share later that members of the congregation or share with me a after the fact that the portion other presentation this time from or if you don't want to do you are well *** great opportunity to get another cup of coffee or go to the bathroom except are an email see you from which I hope you got a reminder of the over the web Mr ways to accomplish some questions for you to think about and um they all include I'm with whom are you in conflict well with you miss a congregation in conflict well as the talks with the bell and be as specific as you can and then the third question which i think is the most intriguing who's more responsible for the conflict you with leadership for the other person or personal so whether you're looking at this from on the one on one perspective a conflict you're having or a small group them issue that's going on in the congregation you can apply what we talk about it today to these questions and arm and why do you think that you or the other is more responsible what are the challenges have leadership is owning up to the fact that you may be the cause a conflict where at least you're contributing to it in some way so as we go through this information tonight's seriously thinking love the examples that you came up with at the end of last year to leave this webinar I'm with the intent of hopefully doing something about it so let's talk about just anxiety his ID creates conflict when people are anxious they're more likely to engage in conflict so what causes anxiety among members in our congregation well I think one thing is that people are sure about their status in the congregation some particularly if you're new or even if they then in the congregation for many years we all want their about what our role as a farce that assesses the congregation it might be the stress is taking on responsibility is a congregational life we want everyone to get involved in and helping to do the work for the complication but for many people that's edit stressed for those that aren't involving congregational life it could be on clear expectations about the role or responsibilities in engaging in that works and the congregation it could be a feeling of not being heard for valujet or respected by leaders are others in the congregation it could be a basic lack of trust in the congregational environment that permeates things that happen in the congregation and that increased people sense thanks I think for could be that people having society in other aspects of their lives and so they bring their set your baggage into the wall so far complications which so it seems to me and this is one of the the use of course a our time this evening is that the responsibility of congregational leaders still create a supporter and positive environment in order to minimize anxiety in this limit the occurrences situations that lead to conflict said it's a big responsibility but I think it's an important one so I want to take our first partial the evening and and have you think about and perhaps just rush if you're in a group what are your leader so what are you doing to create an environment that minimizes anxiety and I'm gonna you offer my suggestions in just a few minutes well so what are you and/or your leaders doing to create an environment that is faster and anxiety I'm gonna take two minutes polished and Nash you think about that or talk about that and then I'll come back on the audio school cool C taped if anyone would like this share any thoughts that they might have had feel free to click on the chat box truck for everyone to read sparked so let me share with you from my thoughts about how you create an environment that minimizes anxiety so number one the fair defeat congregation don't think that they're getting a fair shake they will resist so it's important that leaders not play favorites sheesh I'm that can you are can you hear me guess I can okay great I'm gonna I'm going to try a video folks I'll which which I have a number for infused why she was sure did you know am and hope that this works this was a study that was done is Emory University in Atlanta a few years ago and I'm this particular study was time with from with rhesus monkeys although I understand there this study has been done with with other animals as well and that the personal introduce this but let me just explain it in case you missed some other the monkeys were trained on a I'm simple task and the test was to from take a rock and then give the right back to the researcher when they do this they gonna reward in the monkeys were trained on cucumbers and looking for work for two colors but they're not too crazy about you cumbersome into really is in this picturesque you gonna see I'm they the first monkey gets a cucumber as as always and then the such a smarty is rewarded with a great and monkeys longer it's much more than cucumbers and you'll see the reaction as the first multi just like when I have talked extremity this recently finished a sufficient amount is remembered on the top this is thinking that maybe with Hungary action and that turned out to be right the one on the left so there's no audio so I'll just cried the monkey on the last year scrapes the 10 guess who's gonna do it the fastest have to come back is perfectly fine the first PC eats done are you folks have only okay great we'll see what happens so she gets a rock to less that's the task and we give her a piece of to come and check it sets yet on its to give a rock to us and that's what she does and she gets a great it to the other one sees that see give the rockpalast now I'll get sick and cucumber the the she tests a rock now against the wall think it's a given to us and she gets cue from again I mother had not you so this is basically the wall street protests that you see here the so it just took one trial for the mock you realize that she wasn't being treated fairly and and he reacted in he a negative in an aggressive way I'm not saying that members are our congregations will be controlling food at you but if people feel it is not being treated fairly then that will cause anxiety and it will its consulate so make sure as leader so you don't play favorites the second way in which we can create an environment that minimizes anxiety is to ensure that everyone is being heard Martin Luther King said why once is the language of the arm hurts by Alexis the language of the anchor text if people in our congregations to not sure about the for being heard then they will resort two ways in which they will make sure that you're being heard and again that might take the form of rumors or gossip or third-party communication were undermining the authority of the leadership but people need to know that they're being heard and as leaders it's our responsibility to do everything we can to worship the freeway is to over communicate but still expect miscommunication the old marketing adage 7 times in 7 different ways make sense do your best to the open in transparent and everything that goes on but despite your best efforts know that there will be some who will still say I didn't know about that meeting or when did we decide to go to serve a search or so what is policy documents but don't be deterred it's better to err on the side of too much communication not enough because in the absence of communication people who make up information to explain what is happening where they will share information outside normal channels chill another way is to put this transparency and this is related to open and honest communication so as a leader with you reside leaders who live in ivory towers tend to live in isolation we buchanan who is an editor of a Inc magazine said I so wish isolation is among the greatest threats to those have to come up people need and want to talk to you they come seeking clarification inspiration and reality checks they also come bearing intelligence summer which in my not otherwise here leaders who live in ivory towers also tend to play it safe they may appear mysterious members of the congregation may not be clear on who they are or what they stand for leaders who live in ivory towers tend to manage people in the congregation they make decisions based on second-hand information because they're not out front and involved and they run clear about where their share on the other hand leaders who live in glass houses are involved and informed they allow themselves to the ball or ball and a psychiatrist and Star Trek said there can be no bra no ability without rest there can be no community without your ability there can be no peace and ultimately no life without community leaders who live in glass houses are transparent in everything they do there are no secrets there's nothing to hide people will see their mistakes as well as their commitment to correct them leaders who live in glass houses inspire others they make decisions based on first-hand knowledge and their spells clear values and vision nor tucci and warren bennis wrote character provides the moral compass it tells you what you must do and then there's courage it produces results ensuring that you follow through on the decisions you've made its so where do you reside where do the other leaders in your congregation reside and then the final way in which we can create an environment minimizes anxiety is by not giving up on our members wanna show you a very simple diagram that was developed by a colleague of mine to be where when we worked together at the University of Delaware and that he said that when we assessed people in our communities in this case when leaders assess members of the congregation we tend to look at them across two dimensions their willingness to cooperate to be part of the congregation and their ability to do so so if we perceive a I'm member of the congregation this book will enable those are stars those are the people that we know that we can cam on those are the people that we say if everybody could be like careful my job is a leader would be a tree and then who the people that we perceive as willing cooperative helpful but unable so it might be because they don't have a particular skill set or because they are very introverted and Berisha its or because they really are too busy to help in congregational life and we look at those people we tend to want to continue to work with and we want to continue to support them because as long as you're well as long as they're open to being helpful then we'll be there for them then there are those that we perceive as able but on way we could get involved in congregational life if they want they could KK a better perspective on the issue and not caused so much trouble they can do it they're just unwilling to do so and those are the people that we as leaders 10+2 guess sangria frustrated with I'm we are allowed to the human beings and most of course for unitary universalist fall into that category and so it's not sure they have negative emotions towards people that we perceive as able to participate were able to support rushed with him well in and that's already there are those that we perceive a spot on the poor and II and those are the people that we can to give up but because even if they were able to help or support or be a contributing member the congregation they wouldn't want your if they wanted to they wouldn't be able to chill so there's not much that I as integer can do so perception is in the eye of the beholder and we will tend to focus more on those people that we perceived as well but if you perceive people's unwilling we reserve are most negative emotions towards them or we may not have any emotions towards them at all and we find ourselves a warning that more distancing ourselves from but we're gonna be fearless leaders we need to get involved really check yet are in with those not only that we perceive is willing and cooperative but also we perceive is unwilling as well so here's a checklist ways to create an environment that minimizes I'm sorry under par save for men and woman gonna ask you to do is shop assessment you don't have to share this if you don't want to on a scale of one to five with 5 being I do this in very well and almost all the time and one being what was the question again rate yourself for each of the five strategies below well so much I'm gonna come back on and modify that their when I like to do it if you doing this exercise for me it's is I'm make it on still want chair so you have to redo the so tell are would be I just really wanna do once all the time one with the I'm I don't think I'm very good at just time's up so here's the scoring again on the scale of one to 10 so if you scored 10 our last come on who you chillen you wouldn't be on this call if you like didn't exhibit I'm most if not all of these attributes if you scored are $20 to $30 each I'm afraid you're gonna have to sit in this webinar get if this works thirty to forty not bad but you still have a lot of work to do if this works 4245 you get to teach this webinar and if you scored 45 to 50 come on who you can and no one is that perfect but seriously this might be a really good opportunity for you a conversation for you to engage in I'm with other members with local leaders in the congregation I'm talk about the sideways of creating a crime that minimizes anxiety and then obviously rate yourself and talk with each other about how are you doing so let me just let me share I'm couple were so we'll step with you that that we as leaders need to keep in mind when we don't deal with conflict we're moving now into I'm a situation where you on are in consulate or perceived conflict with another member of the congregation so this is an in a personal issue now the a quote attributed to steven covey is we think we see the world as it is but we really see it as we are conflicts in our world arise when we believe we know the truth and don't accept someone else thinks otherwise if you understand that you see in the world as you are rather than as is its you can allow others to then see if their way also leading the world exist as it is and you are the only ones who she is exactly as it is leads to poor communication better feelings turf issues and of course conflict this slotted in the quote attributed steven covey is a good example misquote wished we think we see the world as it is but we really see it as we are has variously been credited to steven covey someone named anonymous the call button shirley maclaine and the manual car in fact the true author of this quote is a guy named Gary Neal houseman cofounder of the optional Institute international learning and training centre in Sheffield Massachusetts so we saw the quote attributed to cart the and believe that was the truth based not on facts but because it fit with our world and our understanding Stephen Curry yeah this is something that company which say so it must be true in the same way we make assumptions about the world based on our appearance and values and expectations and often this contributes to you or otherwise exacerbates conflict in the congregation so the picture at the top is style the a sever I'm this is Barry and his lovely wife ISO I actually don't know what her name is and the picture on the right is my new dog which it wanted you all to say as absolutely nothing to do with the topic tonight just another great quote then I I try to keep in mind all the time be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle this is attributed to play dough or although again there's debate about I who really is credited with this quote but just think its all the skepticism mind when dealing with people that I'm that we re and appreciate cop work with what a wonderful world it would be its revert if you have a picture of your dog police said that connects so on so let me share something from 10 one of my favorite artistry to block through I'm what are the first box was me proud manager she wrote in 1991 and he talks about the difference between of gaining trust and I'm in gaming agreement among members of the community and in this case members of the congregation so block first talks about trust and in the car truck show can we rely on a person's support or ugly avoiding ownership and that agreement is simply are really great about the content on the issue so he said sure got a quarter inch here and est is yes some if we are in an atmosphere I'll hi agreement but low trust then we're dealing with what block all steps to Los people that will agree on the surface will pay lip service to what the leadership may be doing but their commitments and their actions do not follow suit if we're in a situation of the little green low trust which is the lower left quadrant that we're dealing with that the search people want that are open in their opposition very vocal an option for standard offering resistance these are the people that John Maxwell the management girl calls the laggards the five to ten percent in our congregation who in the face to change would disagree with that no matter what and well actually actively fight to undermine the change the difference between doesn't fellows adversaries adversaries take their opposition and and bringing out into the open bed fellows will tend to grow underground on the right hand side you have a high agreement and high trust in the upper right hand corner and also our allies those are the people that we know that we can chat on they support Michelle they believe in the leadership the follow through with commitment and consistency and then finally a lower like watchers RR opponents who demonstrate loyal opposition NRA's and we are able to have healthy conversation around disagreements because while there's no agreement yesen a I trust environment so block says that trust trumps agreement and we as leaders need to be seeking not just agreement but creating an atmosphere of trust and would rather have people who disagree with rush in an atmosphere of trust that people who agree with the last in an atmosphere there were where there is a low trust locke says an hour job as leaders is to move people from the left-hand side I love this chart to the right hand side on the right hand side are people that could work together to move the congregation forward on the left hand side is congress Ste so I give you just couple minutes again and yet you wanna use the time to are we slept on that such great issue a need to get some use a drink or use the restroom I won't know so feel free to do that but I'd like you to take a few minutes sentence say they're with the people that you most interact with the people last have a significant say in what's up in your congregation where do they for in each of these categories and it's okay nobody's watch XO you can write down their names as long as you throw it away later weary couple minutes to talk about that so will take a short a short pause Corp okay from thanks for doing that if you did it and if you wanna put the names particularly have your adversaries on the chat box I'm will be happy to welcome take not over look a lot been are is a social scientist who I'm comes up with some some brilliant ideas and and usually publishes them in the form of hand-written a diagrams with a rose notes to himself and I'm just really really interesting stuff and he talks about I'm to past that we need to take when we meet resistor so in the protest in contacts were where we are now I'm actively meeting resistance from members of the congregation and go up in flames that we can either take the cathode revenge or we can take the path that respect if you take a cab revenge what it looks like it is someone pushes against us and we push back they push harder and then we push our and that continues until one of us usually the person that feels they have the last hour which is sustainability efforts where they where there are to this fine have it your way I don't care anymore whatever I'm not gon fight you anymore and then they may go away or they may take their on their your feelings and go underground gordon says is that in the end it's an energy drain and game over there's no room for negotiation there's no way to heal and that up star and must prepare for the bench but after three stacks he says is a is a path where instead I'll responding to the fan with resistance pushing back we respond to it with curiosity we get interested in it will listen angry response and then we listen and then and we respond we listen for white people care for the hidden message behind what they're saying we go past the position and we get to the interest we engage in in perfect to listen I'm more active listening where we make sure that we understand what the person's say before we communicate our niche we try not to take it personally which I know can be difficult for many of us what we're focusing on together is how can we solve this conflict we have to make this work and we care about our congregation so we're gonna stay at the table the major difference between the two craft is that the past the revenge the ultimate destination is being right tap the respective the ultimate destination is being in the race relationship so as unitary universalist which the standouts makes the most sense to you known whether on conflict would be completely with now some steps to conflict resolution so just in case somebody you are in a sarcastic mood I anticipated what you might say so how many times have I read this in psychology today with the latest self-help book and chronograph by the way she like I really don't get symbolism of that but let me share with you what were sacrificed important things to keep in mind when I'll when meeting resistance and trying to resolve conflict with members of the congregation number one is to check your perceptions I'm I accurately labeling the behavior and i'm looking at this taste only on my view of the world is this an issue or the lack of trust or lack of agreement going back to are will open a no work you as the leader of the one who was labeling the behaviour the other is resistant or inappropriate or confrontational and it's absolutely imperative that you make sure that your perceptions here at your number together information what is the underlying these interest or concern of the other what is causing the anxiety is this person my asking questions rather than acting on assumptions and I might clarifying information in order to ensure understanding released need to get to the underlying interest me said concerns we need to ask for the other person's viewpoint and confirm that we respect their opinion each and that we need their cooperation to solve the problem it's getting past the position and getting at the interest and the best generic example ok well is the two sisters who are fighting over the last charge in the house the mother decides to trace element and such a large in half since 1/2 to one sister and the other half to the other sister but it doesn't resolve the conflict because if she had asked and got into the interest and pass the position she would have found that one sister wanted the line to make putting and the other one is to me to make changes the next step in conflict resolution is to agree on the problem and my demonstrating respect for the others my taking responsibility for keeping the conversation going and I really objective in understanding the source of the problem different underlying these interests and goals can cause people to Chrissy problems very differently you need to agree on the problem is that you were trying to solve before you find a mutually acceptable solution and if you can't reach a common perception that the problem then at the very least you need to understand what the other person she is as the problem French some possible solutions am i staying flexible and open to all ideas my committed to being in relationship rather than to being right if everyone is going to feel satisfied with the resolution that will help if everyone has had fair and put in generating solution brainstorming possible solutions and being open to all ideas is the way to go including ideas that you have never considered before and then finally negotiate a solution am I being clear summarizing the results of the negotiation and my committed to following up with the other to ensure long-term success and Hellboy firmly on and acknowledged their participation in this process started this page hopefully conflict may be results both sides may better understand the position at the other mutually satisfactory solution may be clear to all was a little and go back star local all over again you just another thing says a that might help receive the communication without judgment or outward reaction Stevie 9 style anxious leader still taking anger all the criticism personally understand that people bring anxiety and cultural sometimes into the situation and it has nothing to do with you keep the conversation going consider who is responsible for the communication there are two possible answers to that you and not you of those two answers which one gives you more possibilities a resolution and use dialogue that helps us listen to and understand how others interpret the world insert being judgmental from our own fear what the world let me give you some illustration so this last really I credit my colleague Robert where they were actually I'm for these ideas so instead I'll whenever we have a discussion about this you start yelling are you being pretty childish we should try this whenever we have a discussion about this you start yelling tell me why this makes me so angry first as judgmental second is neutral it leaves us open to shearing the response you're always critical public occupational medical makeshift whether she had a volunteer to make it yourself or stop drinking at should try this you are clearly not happy with the quality of the coffee do you have suggestions on how we can be improved again I non-judgmental question in the third when you left the meeting early this evening without explanation don't you care about the work that we're doing try this you left the meeting early this evening without explanation can you share with me your reasons why and then finally understand your own feelings a Bangor so when people approaches for we have to deal with an unpleasant conversation or confrontation will we know that there's gonna be anxiety on the part of the the other person we also begin to experience things I well remember the congregation is in crisis we go into crisis adrenaline starts rushing for our body instinctively week weekend to experience the fight-or-flight phenomenon and when that happens it's courses of action at upper body and particularly at the quiet lacquer washing in the brain results in a condition called hypoxia which is characterized by impaired thinking and judgment so one way to prepare for this as you approach a confrontation or I E perceive unpleasant conversation is to begin breathing deeply again as much oxygen into your body is possible to compensate for the loss of oxygen in Ukraine in times of stress anger cast it is essential that leaders remain calm we cannot support a person in crisis if we are in Christchurch so let me lol let me show you a simple diagram that explains the process of hypoxia in the body well on second thought I don't want to do that instead I'm just gonna show you another picture dark so I'm no one in the red shirt is not my dot just in case there was some confusion we also need to be aware of our emotions during stressful times it's not unusual for leaders co-anchor told the person this causing the conflict when the situation chill recognizing the causes of the anger and acknowledging them will help us to avoid acting on our feelings of anger so what causes just to become angry what it could be a number of angst we may become angry if we feel that we have been betrayed by the person causing the tension with a difficult situation or the conflict we may become angry because we become frustrated that the situation has been resolved or I need to have a conversation with a member the congregation that I just had last week which obviously didn't resolve the issue we may feel anger when we feel fear and many of us worry about for the dow and fear confrontations with people with whom we are in conflict mysterious clearly associated with anger when I was a kid many moons ago and a friend of mine would jump out from behind a tree scare me I would jump Sophie would be my first reaction my second reaction would be to get that for scaring me so fear and then anger and then my third reaction is who can we get next or anger may arise through I'm emotional contagion we pick up to dodge the emotional bites from other people those who play the piano I I used to play the piano but they gave it up because it was too exhausting during marching band season but people who play the piano tell me that if you in a tuning fork and put it next to piano wires the I'm the wires library and the keys begin to tell you *** in the same way strong emotions radiated out and we pick it up so its widest for us as leaders to understand how we're feeling and to try to locate the source up the anger so that were better able to deal with it so here's your homework assignment I'm I hope that you'll go back to the initial exercise say those are the questions I sent you and ask you to consider and and consider how you will we solve the conflict that you identified in answering those questions and then I hope that you will take action arm and then let someone know how well you do it in resolving the conflict so that arm that that conclusion formal part ok webinar but don't go anywhere yet for those who would like to stay arm and I'm talk about some of the from issues that I raced are asking the question sure what's going on in your congregation give me your reactions to the content I will do that in just a moment and while I'm you to everyone and we'll have a conversation well for those who I love you who are leaving well I want to thank you for your time tonight and i wanna oh you're shameless plug for the next webinar happy hour series on October 23rd I'm calling it sing with you ice creating an anonymous this abuse program and I'm you can register for that on the Sergio a website so thank you all very much for for being with me tonight