Cougar Town S2E13 - English Transcript

1 It's daylight. Why aren't you at my house yet? Today is big present day. I have to go get myself a big present. Is andy going with you? No, he doesn't know about it. Well, you're coming over late for movie night, right? I don't know. Ellie Frientest. Fine, I'll come. Friend test? Your entire friendship into question And force them into doing something. I came up with it. Sounds like you. Mom, I'm trying to f the tv, But I need to know what you did to break it. I just pushed one of the buttons on the remote, And it went to black. Mm-hmm. And then? After it went black, I pushed about a hundred other buttons, And then I plugged and re-plugged a bunch of wires. Fix it, t-rex. I'm pumped to see thovie. "waiting for superman." really? Bobby, I forgot to tell you this, But superman's not in it. It's It's a documentary. No! Yep. It's a bird, it's a plane-- no, it's a depressing exposé About the failing public school system. Oh, man. Well, did you see the whole thing? 'cause maybe superman flies in at the end. He doesn't. But it's still good. Tom, I know you wanna be a part of this group, But hovering out there eavesdropping Is not the way to do it. Eavesdropping? that's crazy. At were you doing? Uh Looking for my cat. snowball? I should go. Tom. Any sign of him? Oh, boy. oh, hello, jules. I just finished the tastiest cuban sandwich. Barb, I'm gonna stop you right there And assume that you're not talking about your lunch But ther two young cuban boys that did horrible things to you. Hector and julio, yes. Yes, they're cousins. Why me? Why do you wanna torture me With your filthy stories? You used to be one of us-- stalking young prey Without mercy or shame. When are people going to understand That's not who I am anymore? I mean, what do I have to do, change my name? You'll be back. The filth is strong within you. Check out my new ride. Whoo-hoo! What the hell are you doing? That's my trucker "whoo." you do it. Not a chance. Friend test. Fine. A-whoo-hoo! What? Whoooo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Please stop doing that. Oh. Hey. Sam's got a new haircut Who's sam and what should I text him back? S- sam's a buddy. "send us a pic of your haircut So we can judge whether it is hot or not." Oh, good, it's my ex-boyfriend smith. Hey, laurie. Oh. It's a forearm kiss. Just as cordial. * Okay. I'll leave so you can all say horrible things about me. Oh, no, smith. I mean, we're on laurie's side, But you're a good guy. Thanks. All right, let me get the ball rolling. He is a pale-faced jerk. Tool bag. He was way too good for you. Don't harsh on smith. He just bought you all refills. Hmm. I charged him double, the pretentious little ***. You guys! No look. ) penny can! Schooled by a chick. This is embarrassing. It's worse for andy. He's missed so many times, He can't even play real penny can. penny can! No. What do you have to sing when you get it in the big one? Orormal voice) * sissy can * mm-hmm. Stop sucking so much, dude. Penny can is one part geometry, one part marksmanship, And one part core strength. Now you got the first two in spades, but this right here-- Ah-wokka-wokka-wokka- wokka-wokka. That's holding you back in the minors, bruh. You know what? I don't have to take this crap from you. I'm grabbing my penny can, and I'm going home. We were all talking smack. Why's he only going off on me? He'll be fine. Check this out. moving target penny can! oh! Bobby, do you have any clean shirts? I've got shirts. Why? Oh. Hey there, fella. *** **** I'm gonna go balls to the wall with this tomboy thing. What u b broseph? Weird. Mom, this is taking a while to fix. I don't think you're gonna be able To watch that documentary tonight. Damn it! I wanted to feel smart tonight-- Smart and depressed about the world, Not dumb and happy like always. Man, those are some big grapes. Do you know what we should do? what? Let's all pile in the back of my pickup truck And make our own roads in the forest behind the mall. I'll do that. All right, bubba gump. You're obviously going Through something, and we're here for you, but still, Anyone have a good idea? Well, we actually read this great article in my psych class Ababout how-- all right, I wanna get a grape. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Stay with me. What It's about how adults can reduce their stress levels by embracing The activities they loved when they were little kids. So we should all go hide in the shower And watch my babysitter pee? No, no, no, this is good. I mean, not your thing. We're gonna have to talk to a professional about th.. But I got a great idea. Oh, who's that dude? Your wife. Is that bobby's shirt? That's right. Yeah, I've had this dream. Whoa! Bobby, let the girl breathe. What, you just get on the boat without knockin'? I mean, there's an air horn on the ladder for a reason. Hi. I'm sam. This is sam? Mm! I pictured him with less ***. Did she say "him"? It's a figure of speech. what? See? That's the pizza guy. He g got manners. But no patience. don't say anything about sam. Okay, guyswe could all use a little "act like a kid" time, So we're gonna play sardines in a can. And one person goes to hide, And then everyone looks for them, but here's the catch. If you find the hider, you hide with them, And then the last person left looking is the loser. How fun does that sound? Let me get this straight. Instead of doing fun stuff with my new truck You bought a tru?? Later. Super. We're gonna play some lame version Of hide-and-seek? Don't be all sulky just 'cause You're not getting your way for once. Hail mary to save the night-- I, at my place, have a fabulous bottle of champagne, Two thick, big, juicy steaks. I could cook 'em up. I'm in. Talking to jules. We're playing sardines in a can. Now the more the merrier, so we can ask tom to play. Ah, I'd love to. Way to keep it weird, tom. Whoever's hiding can hide Anywhere in or around this house, Ellie and andy's, or gon's. I'll hide. Oh. Way to boue e back. When you find your spot, call us. Tom, I didn't include your house as a place to hide Because I just figured it was creepy in there. Pretty much. I I can see his guest room from upstairs. There's a mannequin in a dog cage. oh! Here we go. All right. ellie, you are on speaker. good. Jules, you always act like I'm the chorey one Who has to get her own way, but the truth is, You are the bossy-pants control freak Who makes everyone do what you want them to do Like some evil dictator. Damn! Thank you, jellybean. Seriously, jules, Who elected you group leader? Well, I have something to say about that. That's why I hid. I knew you'd wanna defend yourself, But now you can't. Ellie! Good-bye. oh, my god. Uhh! Game on! Yeah! I told you ellie wasn't in the pool shed. Well, it was a good guess. That's where she hides from andy When he wants to have sex. Can you believe that crap She said about me? I think I'll pass on getting in the middle of your fight. Smart move, boy toy. Oh, travis, you heard what ellie said. I mean, do you think that I'm at all-- no. Mnh-mnh. I ain't stupid. You call yourself men, but you're both wusses. Ellie's not in the hedge where she hides from the nanny. Ellie hides a lot. Hey, andy. I gotta go talk to him. No! You' m my searching partner/ tell-me-ellie's-crazy buddy. oh. Let me guess. You're trying to find someone to tell you that I'm crazy. When I find you, you're dead. You'll never find me. No one will. Oh, great! Scoot over, baby. You think jules will ever like me? What does grayson have that I don't? I don't know. A chin? Yeah, right. Right. I'm done. Oh, good, so you can be My searching partner/ tell-me-ellie's-crazy buddy. Let's go. Come on, honey. Your house is dumb. Well, at least you don't have a stupid octopus painting. Oh, wait. Hey, uh, we were all making fun of you When we were tossing copper-- that's a new slang for Playing penny can, by the way. Pass it on, but, uh, You only freaked out on me. How come? You grabbed my stomach. I have personal space issues. I freak out when people touch me. Hmm. Okay. He's also allergic to raspberries. that tickles. That's different. He's earned it. Hmm. We already checked in here. Yeah, we'll just double-che.. Why are we double-checking? Steak and champagne. I love me some beef and bubbles. Ooh! That should be our detective names. He's beef, a grizzled ex-marine with a secret. He's a vegetarian. She's bubbles, his plucky, hot partner With a secret of her own. She's beef's daughter. Together, they fight crime, And each week Maybe they grow a little bit closer together. I don't know why I got choked up. well, we might as well watch This fake, boring superman dontary. So beef, why are you hiding your girlfend from everyone? Get out of my ill, bubbles. Well, s.S. Tres wasn't in the pantry, But this note was. "enough with the cookies." She leaves notes for andy everywhere. Oh. "kissing is for shavers." I mean, she calls me the control freak. Does that makes sense? Very smooth, trying to slide into that conversation. Unfortunately, this isn't my first mother-son roo.O. Oh, I really wish they had those. I'm always there for you when you wanna talk. Come on. A heart-to-heart on mr. And mrs. Torres' bed? You wanna snuggle? Oh, yeah. kidding. Well, don't tease. All right, ellie sees me as the dictator with everyone. Now you have an outside perspective Of the cul-de-sac crew. How do you see us? Well, I see you guys as a bunch of old people With surprisingly good skin given the amount Of wine and sun you take in. Yeah, I think the alcohol presers s us. Mom, I wish I could help you, But when it comes to questions about who you really are, I think The only person who can answer them is you. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. You're welcome. I really doubtllllie's hiding in the drawer. No, but her Sex chopsticks are, whatever the hell these do. Come on. They're all snooping, too. I'm pretty sure they're not. hey, look. Travis' ironic t-shirt collection. hey. I'm moody and sarcast.. And I'm home for the tenth straight weekend Because I don't understand how college works. Oh, I don't have a travis impression. I just want this hoodie. Hey, listen, um, we still need to talk. You know, I'm not really good at being real Unless I'm trying to get someone's pants off. Don't know where this is headed, but go on. What's happening? You don't have issues with touching. It's your fault for making your hands smell so good. Why do you have this big chip on your shoulder with me, huh? I mean, did I do something to offend you? Because if I did,lelet's ta? But just d walk away again because it drives me Hmm. I will wear his skin. Would you walking away from me? It's rude. Oh, grow a pair, cindy. What are you gonna do about it? hey. That's what I'm gonna do. Okay, ha ha. Are you still there?! Come on! I'm breathing my own breath! Ugh. I'm sorry. I can't watch this documentary anymore. You know what's scarier than lex luthor? The decaying public education system That's cheating our young people out of a fute. You know what's also decaying? That one vice principal's teeth. What does she brush them with, pudding? You see? That's why I don't bring sam around you guys. Oh, no. Honey, does she have pudding teeth? No! 'cause our group is too judgmental. I mean, you saw how we tore smith a new tailpipe today. That was different. Smith dumped me, And that's the only reason Why people were talking crap about him. Mm, no, we talked crap ouout him when you werdating, too. We just did it behind your back. Hmm. Should we go check the garage? Ah, the hell with looking. I wanna talk more about ellie. Let's go, talk-buddy. Ellie and I have always had a complicated relationship. We actually met at a sample sale. She trampled me. Trav? Trav? hmm. hello? I've got your boy. I'm having the best time. Me, too, tom. Give me back my son! mom, I'm scared. Now you know he's okay. Good-bye, jules. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are those chopsticks for? get in quick. Jules will see you. oh, man. Pipe down, pretty boy. Hey, guys! Anybody want a wine break? Don't move! It's t trick. damn it. Help me out with something. I always felt this little edge from andy. What's his problem with me? Can you imagine what it's like being andy? Well, he's married to you, so I know it's mostly terrible. Zing. Give me some, trav. no, thanks. Lo, when andy's parents first moved here from cuba, They scraped up enough money to send him to prep school. So in walks this husky, balding11-year-old With a whole fried fish for lunch. He got terrorized by pretty boy d-bags like you Named wyatt or deckland. And every time you tease him, you remind him of those guys. Don't feed into it, and you'll be fine. No problem Except for I just tied him to a tree. I gotta go get him. Get pillows and wine. And if you tell jules that we're here, I will end you. Can you get my retainer? This sucks. Why aren't you at college? You know, tom, I don't Know. You know what, beef? I've decided I'm mad at you. You don't have any faith in your friends. We would never trash sam. When I was dating smith, I knew that he wasn't everyone's favorite. But you guys never said any of that stuff to my face, Because that's how we support each other. It's kind of beautiful. I mean, No one likes ellie, but we're not mean when andy's around. I like ellie. come onbuddy. It's just us. Everyone is gonna be so psyched that you're dating again, That we'll be cool, even if sam totally sucks. Bobby, we're the cul-de-sac crew. We always have each other's backs. Put my ice cream away and go get some wine and pillows And go hide from jules in the truck. I gotta go get andy because I tied him to a tree. Our group is so much fun! is someone there? Please help. Do the right thing. Andy? What happened? Your boyfriend's a big bully. Untie me. Oh, my goodness. Oh. Wow. I'll have to get some scissors. Hey, you know, I'm having a bad day, too. Hey, do you think there's anything to what ellie said? I mean, the way I see it-- I amo hot! Fine! Keep your shirt on. get it? I'm going. Okay, she's gone. I'll untie you. I can still kick. Do you wanna be let go or not? Okay, so I probably shouldn't have tied you to a tree. Since I'm cuban, it's almost a hate crime. Look, don't compare me to those *** guys That hassled you in high school. Ellie told you? Perfect. You know why you're an idiot? One of the reasons, anyway? It's 'cause you're still competing With a bunch of jerks from your past. But, dude, you already won.I mee And a beautiful son and a great job. Most of those cool guys-- I bet they're like me-- You know, divorced, struggling through life, Peaked at 18. Wow. You're a total loser. What? No, I got, uh, I got jules now. yeah, buyyou're gonna blow that. I-- fort t it. Wait. Thanks for coming back for me. Andy? All right, don't *** me off. I've got scissors! Andy?! Andy! Wait. Where are u?U? ooh. Hey, over here! Oh, good you invited her. Oh. Hi. Just get in and hide. Come here. Hey. Everyone, this is sam My girlfend. Ohh! Ohh! Isn't bobby great? Okay, guys, I'm the last one! I lose! ♪♪ Nobody move. She's about to snap. I swear to god, I will burn this whole cul-de-sac down! Hey, ms. Vasquez. Just playing a little game. Tom? I've got a hug with your name on it! She needs me. No! Hold himowown. Amam, cover his mouth! I don't like this. Just ditit, sam! It is dark, and I am tired of being alone! Ellie? I wish I was home just antutucked away ♪ Ellie! Friend test! when nothing goes right, anththe future's dark ♪ ugh, can we stand up, too? Okay, everyone, friend test! Oh, thank god! That was like a butt numb-a-thon Oh! Look, this w s spopose to be fun. But, ellie, yowerere right. I- I am an ev d dictator. Even when I was a kid, I used to deder my fenends around so much, They called mebobossy boy." bossboboy? Ohoh. I didn't get *** titil I was a senior. Lae e bloomer. Nice! No, tom. I don'knknow wheveverything always has to be my way. I n'n't. I just I don'eveven know how you guys putp p ththe.E. I'm-- I'm ssosorr Oh, plse. I was juspipiss 'cause youououldn' go offoaoading. ) we'ralalgrgrownu.. Wewe wouldn't spend evy sesendnd at your house If we dndn't want to. I I haa blblast today.Nu.. w was a r right. Jule I if we had to elect a grououp leerer, it b byou.U. Yoyou bring us all tether.R. K ou.. Whwho's the new chk?K? Ohitit's my girririend sam. ♪♪ *** ♪♪ I'a great hihierer. P phed bacack rough the e afafgrouou * ♪rarafofor e people ininde you♪ Wanna hehe I insea? Obby) ) h. ♪hehen you're dd,d, when you'u'.♪ so Did y'all bag on sam once we left? What could we possibly say about her? We met her for, like, two seconds. Well, that's all you're gonna get, Because she dumped me. Go ahead. Bad hair, weird nose, thick neck. She shook my hand with her fingertips. What are you, the queen of France? Her face made me want to learn how to box. Man, there's a lot of love in this room. Aw. Sorry.