Kung Fu Panda Legends of Awesomeness S1E11 - English Transcript

Hiya! And now, dreamworks' kung fu panda: Legends of awesomeness. hear the legends of the kung fu panda! [scatting] raised in a noodle shop never seeking glory or fame he climbed the mountaintop and earned the dragon warrior name Ooh! Ah! Yah! kung fu panda [scatting] master shifu saw the warrior blossom and master the skills of bodacious and awesome kung fu panda he lives and he trains and he fights with the furious five protect the valley something something something something alive kung fu panda legends of awesomeness sweet. [laughs] [sighs] Here ya go. I ordered the pan-fried noodles. Huh? And I brought youSoup! [groans] I can't get anything right. Everything I touch turns to garbage. I'm useless and I'm worthless And my personal grooming is mediocre at best. Oh! [crying] I-I'm sorry. He's been like this ever since Well, you know Of course. How are the others doing? You mean the formerly furious five? Come on, it's my birthday! Tigress, come on. The kids. You cannot defeat me And my magical talking carrot. I'm sassy. Kids, cake! [cheering] Birthday parties? And shifu, No one's seen shifu for a while now. Oh, very sad. So if you could be just a little sensitive To my son's situation Of course. [chuckles] [crash, glass shattering] No wonder you're not a dragon warrior anymore! [gasps] [whimpering] Get out and don't come back! Until after lunch. Here's a coupon. You were the dragon warrior, You had everything you ever wanted And you blew it. [echoing] Begin. [dramatic drum music] Hiya! Well-done. Excellent. When you-- And now, the spin! What? [grunting] Po! [gasps] Po! Po? Po! Not what I-- Po, the pyramid of fortitude is a traditional pose, Representing stability and unity. It does not spin. Yeah, but it looks so cool if I-- I don't care. The presentation of the seven forms Must be done in the traditional way. This is important, po. The masters of the sacred onyx shaolin Are coming to inspect the jade palace. I trained with both master chao and master jungjie under oogway. Chao and jungjie? Coming here? Two of the greatest kung fu masters of all time! [giggles] How well you perform the presentation of the seven forms Will be a reflection of my abilities as a teacher. I need to make a good impression. So please, nobody do anything embarrassing, Stupid, or dangerous. Yeah, you guys. Be cool. I mean you, po. Don't ask for autographs, Don't tell long stories, Don't offer to show any of your collections Don't be po. [gong rings] And who should he be? Oh, my gosh, chao and jungjie! [chuckling] Can I have your autographs? Can I tell you long stories? Can I show you my collection of beets shaped like turnips? Master chao, master jungjie, Please excuse po. He's a littleExcitable. You are the dragon warrior? Yes, and you are master jungjie! I'm so excited I could pee. Panda! Hmm. You've maintained exactly The level of discipline I would have expected from you. You can thank me later. And now, the masters' ceremonial sparring. Everyone, back to your quarters. "ceremonial sparring"? It's ancient, it's secret, And I wanna watch! Really bad. Really, really bad. Really, really, really, really-- Panda! This is private. Your novice eyes are not ready to see it. It's too dangerous. Ancient, secret and dangerous? Oh, it's like you poured awesome sauce All over a big plate of bodacious! Huh? [groans] Oh, don't listen to shifu. He's always been a stick in the mud. You are the dragon warrior, my friend. You should see us sparring. But shifu said I wasn't ready. I'll tell you what. I'll leave that door open a little so you can peek in. Awesome! [dramatic music] [chuckling] [grunting] SoAwesome. [gasps] Cool! Jungjie We are sparring, not fighting. Shifu is not your enemy. It's all right. I was just a little slow. Everyone's a little slow sometimes, Right, jungjie? So much anger. This is why oogway didn't pick you to run the jade palace. [gasps] Huh? Jungjie? Golden lotus clap! Don't look! [ringing tones] [yells] I-I'm blind! In my eyes! I'm blind. [yells] Can't see. I'm blind--I don't-- all right. [crash] ow! Okay, I can do this. Just gotta, you know Get to know my surroundings. [crash] Right. That's the tree again. All right Ow! All right, who keeps moving the tree? Ah, all clear. [chuckles] [screams] [thud] Jungjie, the golden lotus clap is too dangerous. You are right as always, master chao. I stand in awe of your prudence and sagacity. We are done here. It's time for the presentation of the seven forms. [rings] Shifu, bring them in. It is time. [groans] What are you doing down there? Come on. Wait! I have a little problem. And I have a little "I don't care. " I trust you will be impressed. Begin. [yelling] [grunting] [nervous chuckle] Po, now. What? Who? Okay. And a-one-y, and a-two-y [shouting] Po, no! Huh? Ooh. [groans] Ta-da! Huh? He must have disobeyed you and watched us spar. Shifu, fix him. Golden lotus clap! [ringing tone] Whoa. I can see! I can seeAngry, angry faces Pointed at me. Shifu, shaolin is built on discipline, Honor, and tradition Here I see none of that. It's not shifu's fault. See, I was watching you guys sparring and-- If you disobeyed shifu, it is his fault. It means he is unable to maintain discipline. What do you have to say for yourself? I Nothing. I am sorry. As hierarch of the sacred onyx council, I hereby declare That shifu is no longer the master of the jade palace. What? You can't do that! Silence! You dare address the most venerable master chao With such disrespect? Haven't I taught you anything? No, I haven't. Master chao is right, And I accept his judgment. No! It's not true, master shifu-- It can't be! As will you. Now, do as master chao and master jungjie command you. Do not disgrace me Any more than I have disgraced myself. [door slams] [sad music] Shifu is gone. I am placing the jade palace in the hands of master jungjie. Uh, but-- po I expect you to return the palace to its former glory. I'll return it to even greater glory, As befits you, master chao. Henceforth, you are bound by honor To obey master jungjie. [gasping] I'll be back to check on your progress. Good day to you all. Uh, so, what should we do now? Get out! All: What? Get out! What? Your services are no longer required. Meet the new furious five. Tigress Let me know if you need a letter of recommendation. [door slams] [growls] Come on, guys, we can take 'em if we all work together. Didn't you hear what shifu said? He told us to obey master jungjie. He's in charge now. If we fight him, it's like We're fighting against the jade palace. It would be the ultimate dishonor. We'd be left with nothing. But what are we left with now? We have our dignity. [yelling, thudding] You did this, po. You disobeyed shifu and destroyed What we've all devoted our lives to building. We're through with you. ButI'm sorry. Nice. I'm sorry. [whimpers] Po? Po! I need you to make a delivery To the jade palace. Won't that be fun? [nervous laughter] [grunting] [jungjie laughs] [gasps] Very nice. Really captures my essence. So the tapestry is approved then? Yes. And the statue? Yes. The topiary bues? Yes. The teapot? Excellent. Then there's only one item left On your to-do list, master jungjie. Destroy shifu. [gasps] I thought I'd never get around to that! Tomorrow bring shifu up from the catacombs. Shifu is still here? [thudding] [plates rattle] [suspenseful music] It's only the noodle shop delivery. Soon I will be the rightful ruler of this province. [cackles evilly] [inhales deeply] Oh, garlic chow mein. [laughs maniacally] [sighs] [panting] How was the delivery? Bad! What? No tip? Jungjie has shifu and he's gonna destroy him! The fiend! SoNo tip? I-I gotta get the furious five back together and rescue him. Good luck with that. They'll listen to me. Will-- You-- just-- Listen-- To me? Ow. You're right. They'll never listen to me. So I'm just gonna have to do it alone. Alone? Po, it's impossible. You can't beat jungjie and those five creepy leopard guys! They are creepy, aren't they? And I hear one of them's a girl, But which one? Which? It doesn't matter. It matters to her. No, I mean it doesn't matter if it's impossible. Shifu's life is at stake. I have to try! [suspenseful music] [clearing throat] Oh, hey, jungjie, I was just, uh Picking up some stuff I left here, you know. I mean, you--you seen a brown duffel bag, kind of looks like-- Hiya! Enough chit-chat. I know you've got shifu here And I'm here to bust him out. Admirable, since you unwittingly helped me Trick chao into giving me the jade palace, Not that it's hard to trick that doddering old fool. [gong rings] Master chao! "that doddering old fool" Has come to check on your progress, jungjie. Luckily, I prepared for that. [arrows firing] No! Master chao. Poor panda. [thwack] All: Happy birthday! Mister ping? It's your birthday? It's not me, it's po. Po's birthday and you hired us? Kinda weird. No, it's shifu. Shifu's birthday was two months ago. No, jungjie-- jungjie? Just let me finish! Jungjie is holding shifu prisoner, And po went to the jade palace To rescue him all alone. You have to help him. Ha! Help po? After what he did? Are you serious? Would you mind taking off those ears? He probably just made that up about shifu. I mean, jungjie is a shaolin master. Listen to me, limp beak. My son may be not perfect, He may be big and loud and clumsy And annoying and impatient and hot-headed and-- The--where-- where am I going with this? But he's not a liar. Right. I say, let's do this. [groans] [chains rattling] Oh, good. My rescuer is here. Ow! I'm sorry, shifu. No, I'm sorry. Huh? I suspected that jungjie was up to something. I thought I could handle it myself. So I pretended to leave, Then returned later to confront him. Jungjie fought without honor. [dramatic music] I was beaten. Po, I always faulted you for not following tradition, For sometimes ignoring the old rules, But if I had been like you, Maybe we wouldn't be here. I think we all learned an important lesson here. Yes, I suppose we-- Like I learned how to do the golden lotus clap! Wa-cha! [ringing tones] You learned the golden lotus clap After seeing it only once? Incredible! Yeah, I'm what they call "gifted. " You forgot to close your eyes, didn't you? I'm also what they call "blinded. " That came from the catacombs! We can't let them escape! Hello, jungjie. Attack! [shouting] I can't believe it. Did you actually blind yourself? Yeah, I like to give things my own personal twist. [laughs] Hiya! You're an impressive fighter. You might even stand a chance against me If you could see. But how about if you couldn't? Fighting blind An interesting challenge. [sniffs] but I have one big advantage. What's that? I didn't have garlic chow mein last night. Hyah! [dramatic music] If I could see you, this would be over in a second. [sniffs] Oh, it's over. Wha-dai! Po, it's monkey! Sorry. Blind again. Wait, you guys came to help? Your dad talked us into it. Hey, did you hear? For once, it really isn't all my fault. It's true. So, you guys smiling or what? We're smiling, po, Except for tigress. I am smiling. This is my happy face. Po, I think shifu and I have both learned a lesson from you. Shifu learned something from me? Whoa! Sometimes doing the right thing Is more important than following the old rules. Master shifu, the way your disciples handled this Has proven to me that the jade palace Could have no better leader than you. Please, accept my apologies. Thank you, master chao. Jungjie, I am taking you and your creepy leopards To chor gum prison. Oh, shrewd and beneficent chao, most merciful of all the-- [thudding] SoYou learned something from me, huh? Heh heh! Maybe now I'll get a little more respect around here. Oh, of course. In fact, I now respect you so much That I won't insult you by fixing your eyesight. What? Wait! Okay, maybe I'm not that wise. I just--[nervous chuckle]-- I mean-- Okay, fine, go on! Yeah, I don't need your help, 'cause I can do the golden lotus clap all by myse-- [yelling, thudding] [traditional chinese music] The valley of peace. A land cruelly beset by a thousand villains, And yet tranquility reigns, Due to a single bodacious hero-- The dragon warrior! Who, in his eternal pursuit of justice, Never rests [yawns] You shall not have your way with me, Demon enchantress [snoring] [board creaks] Huh? Ha! Whoo-ah! Wah! Ha! All: Happy dragon warrior day! Oh, yeah. A whole day celebrating the dragon warrior. Which is great if you are the dragon warrior, Which, last time I checked, I am! We have something for you. Ooh, bean cake. Ah, ah, ah. You want the bean cake? You have to go through us. [gasps] my two favorite things-- Food and kung fu! Ah! Here's my fist! Sorry, didn't have time to wrap it. Is this fun for you? Monkey said you would like it. Are you kidding? It's awesome. Ugh! Hiyah! Ah. Oh! Wing cramp. Ha! Ugh. Ha! Guys, watch this. Ooh [all shout] And that's what makes me the dragon warrior. Po, the imperial sculptor Is here to capture yourMagnificence. [gasps] cool. Wow, it's really Huh. Uh, where's the head? I haven't started. Ah-ha. Oh. [laughs] So the head's on the inside. I'm sort of new to art. Uh, look, and I'm just spitballing here, But, uh, maybe we should do one With a bit more sizzle. Sizzle? Yeah, like this. A big dragon with flaming wings! Or I could do a wise, old turtle With flaming wings! Or a tree With flaming wings? Don't see why not. I think it needs to be a little more Without flaming wings. Oh. Oh, right. Oh. Ooh! Oh, wait, no. That one has flaming wings. [groans] Ooh, sorry. I get the idea. Sweet. Well, I'm gonna go head down to the village, and, uh What about your training, panda? But, master shifu, They're, like, hanging streamers and stuff For me. I have fans. [sighs] Very well. But be back in time to train tonight. Whoa. Cool. Hey, everybody. Happy dragon warrior day. Hey, po. Thanks for getting rid of tai lung. Hey there, zhao. Did you wear that for me, mrs. Yoon? Oh, po. [laughs] Yes. Ooh, hey, po, You want to see our kung fu routine For the dragon warrior parade? Lay it on me. That was awesome. It was like music to my eyeballs. Dad? It's me. Who's there? Ooh! Oh, po, my beloved son. Why did you scare me like that? Ow. Dad. Ugh. What's going on? Oh, I'm sorry, son. I've been on edge ever since that hideous rhino Walked into town. Always sitting on the curb in front of the shop. He's scaring away all my customers, po. [grunts] Let the dragon warrior take care of it. [grunts] Hey, what's up, friend? [screams] Whoa. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the Whatever it is that rhinos sleep on. Ugh! What would you know about anything? About the charred, burned insides of my hurt? Searing the seared rubble of my soul! You talk pretty. Look, maybe I can help you. Ah! Everything that I once loved Was ripped away from me by an evil fiend! My job, my home, my family Were all scattered to the wind like dust and dirt, And the wind is scattered. [sniffs] Who would do such a thing? The despicable snake Who stole my soul like an eclipsed moon of pain? The evil monster that made my life A living spanking, Who I hate with all my being is The dragon warrior. Huh? Whoa. Whoa. You hate the dragon warrior? Yes. And as soon as I find out who he is, I'll tell him to his ugly face. You mean you don't know? No. That's why I'm here. It's dragon warrior day. He's got to show up. Well, I bet you'd like him. Never. After what he did. What did he do? I mean, he may not even know he "dood" it. I was a guard at chor ghom prison. Right up front in the front line of defense Against tai lung up front. [guards shout] After tai lung escaped, He was defeated by that idiot, the dragon warrior. Because of him, we lost our only prisoner. Chor gum was shut down, closed, boarded up. Shut down. But that's good, right? Closed. I mean, no more tai lung. You're not even listening. No prisoner means no prison. No prison means no job. How can you not understand that? Sorry. I lost my job. Then my house, my wife, my kids, Two close goat friends, A pair of slippers from the hao jao region. All because of one guy's huge ego. "ooh, I'm the dragon warrior. " "I'll destroy tai lung. Look at me. I'm awesome. " But if the dragon warrior hadn't done something, The whole valley of peace would have been destroyed. I don't live in the valley of peace. I'm talking about me. My needs. You sound just like my wife. Except she had a deeper voice. I used to be a warrior. Now I'm just a doughy guy With really scaly, dry skin. I have nothing. The dragon warrior took it all away. I'm so sorry. Why? Dragon warrior did it, not you. I mean, like, sorry sympathetic, Not "sorry I'm the guy who ruined your life," Which I'm not. And I didn't. Do. That. "sorry" doesn't get me a job. Doesn't get my life back. [sniffs] You know what? I'm gonna help you get your life back. Let's make a list. Then we just knock things off it as we go. Okay. House. Job. Two goat friends. They never liked me. Self-esteem. Stupid self-esteem. I hate you for not me having you! Aah! Ow! Anger issues. You're gonna love working here. Dad? Who's there? Ugh! Uh, dad, this is hundun. He's your new waiter. Oh. Table five needs egg rolls! Ow. And you can stay here until you're back on your feet. Did a small child live here? [laughs] cool stuff, right? Whoa. Uh, limited editions. [sighs] thanks, po. I misjudged you. I thought you were just some dumb panda. Ha. He's not just a dumb panda. He's the dragon-- 'kay, good night! Uh, dad [laughs] Let's not mention me being the dragon warrior to hundun. I just want him to get to like me. As po. Got you something. Slippers. From the hao jao region. Item number six. Skadoosh. [groans] Sorry. I can't even sit down right. Dumb rhino! Stupid, idiotic dumbness! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you beating yourself up for? It helps me. It's the only thing that relieves my rampant anger. Yeah. Luckily, I have just the thing for unbridled rage. It's a little thing I like to call kung fu training. [gong reverberates] Okay, so in kung fu, The goal is to address your weakness, Which, in your case, happens to be your temper. Liar! I have no weaknesses! Hey, hey, hey, everyone has weaknesses. Me, I can't defend against the swirling lynx round kick. Ha! Huah! Ugh. See what I mean? Completely defenseless. Yeah, but you're just a panda. Even the masters have weaknesses. You're just saying that because I'm pathetic. No. Every single one of the furious five has a weakness. Master tigress, it's the armpit. Grab monkey's tail, he's a goner. Mantis, blind spot on the right. Viper, frontal attack. Crane, sweep the leg. Hey. How come you know so much about the furious five? Uh, just aFan. Like you're a fan of unbridled rage. Oh. Yeah. [grunts] [grunts] Yeah. [groans] See? You got mad there. Let's go again. Am I making you mad? Huh? Huh? Huh? [yells] [straining] Does that hurt? Doesn't hurt, but it makes you mad, doesn't it? Uh-huh. Yep. Making you mad? Uh-huh-huh? Am I? Am I? [groans] Anger. You're too angry. Do it again. [snorts] [groaning] How about that? Huh? Am I making you mad, mr. Ragey? Huh? Still mr. Ragey? [yells, groans] You feel that? Hmm? Do you see that? That's--that's just like the rage that burns! And it's coming up! And the background singers like-- ooh, ooh, ah, ah rage [groans] [triumphant music] Ha. Yeah. I feel powerful. Like a great sea eagle Soaring over the sea with my wing power. Like I cld finally achieve my dreams. You are a true friend, po. I owe you everything. Come here, you. That's what friends do. They--they help each other, And they tell each other everything. That's why there's something I need to tell you. That's great, because I have a secret That I could only tell you now, because you're my friend. It's my special dream, And you made it possible, friend. That's sweet. You go first. Okay. My special dream is I'm going to destroy the dragon warrior. Now you go. Oh. Uh My special dream was to have you meet the dragon warrior And be friends. That's a great idea. I could befriend him. Exactly. And then kill him. The dragon warrior festival starts in an hour, And po is nowhere to be seen. I need you to find him. Start with the dumpling carts! I'm not sure killing the dragon warrior's a good idea. [laughs] if you ever find out who he is. Aah! Dragon warrior day. Why not? My rage used to be like a rotting fish. Then you turned it into a blossom. Like a beautiful, death-dealing azalea. Me? Uh, nah. You sure did. I used to just feel sorry for myself. Now I can actually kill someone. Thanks to you. It was nothing. Hey, po. Yes, it was. No, it wasn't. Hey. Are you trying to hide something from me? What? [laughs] no. What--what could I possibly be hiding from you? Huh? I mean, I'm an open book. Huh? Uh, nothing to hide. Just a regular guy who helps his friends. Huh? I'm standing right behind me, aren't I? You are the dragon warrior? You lied to me! But for good reason, Because you hated the dragon warrior, But he's nice and I'm him, So I was nice and you like me, And I'm the dragon warrior. It's less complicated than it sounds. You lied to make me your friend, But instead you trained your assassin. Uh, interesting perspective. Now we fight. No way, hundun. I don't fight friends. We are friends, right? Yah! You can't run, dragon warrior! I will find a way to make you fight me! In a fight! So we're good? And then he threatened a kill me. There's a rhino who wants you dead, So you got him a job, a place to live, And taught him how to kill you? Yeah. I meanYeah. Where is hundun now? I don't know. I mean, he said he was gonna make me fight him, Which--how could he do that? Po! Help me! Dad! Ha ha ha! Let him go, hundun. Po! Po, help me! Eat at mr. Ping's noodle shop. Save me from certain demise! Everything half off before 5:00. So willing to fight me now, dragon warrior? This is between you and me. The only thing between you and me Will be my fist, coming from me, punching you! Put my dad down, hundun. I don't want to hurt you. You're the one who will feel the hurt From my hurting you. No, po. You taught him your weakness. We'll handle this. No. Uh, guys! I forgot. I accidentally told him your weaknesses too. Huh! Aah! Blind spot. Front. Tail. Ankle. [gong reverberates] Oh. No. [laughs] Only a coward would hide behind his friends. But there's nowhere to hide now. You want me, not my dad! Aah! Hiyah! Ah! I don't want this, hundun. I still think of you as my friend. So let's just stop now and call it even. [laughs] You can't beat me. I know your weakness, and you cured me of mine. Oh, did I? Yes, you did. Oh! Yeah. Probably shouldn't have done that. I, uh [grunts] Ooh! They're reenacting the battle Between po and tai lung for dragon warrior day. Oh. Admit it. You are defeated. There's two schools of thought on that. One, and two! Ha! Dragon warrior day! Ugh. [crowd cheering] Stop. Stop. You--you-- you're right, po. It's not all about me. I've been so selfish. I'm sorry. You are? Yes. Forgive me. Friends? I even got you something for dragon warrior day. I think you'll like it. A swirling lynx round kick! Ooh! [crowd gasps] [both grunting] Ooh. Ha ha. Your real weakness, po, is not the kick. It's your heart. It's as big and sappy as an old sappy plum tree Filled with plum sap. At least I have a heart. Huh? But all I've done is been kind, And all you've done is blame me for your rotten life. And guess what. I love plum sap. How about that? [gasps] I dodged the kick. I dodged the kick! [triumphant music] Sweet. Not sure if you realize this, But I just dodged all your swirling lynx round kicks. Ha ha. [groans] You know what your weakness is, hundun? You stink at friendship. [cheers and applause] Flaming wings! Oh! [laughs] [grunts] Huh? My horn! My horn! Ha. It's always something with this guy. Po, look, the statue. You saved me. Why? That's what The dragon warrior Does. Oh, this is heavy. I don't need yourHelp. So, po, did you enjoy dragon warrior day? Yeah. Hey, not feeling bad that you exposed our weaknesses To hundun and put us in mortal danger? Uh Of course. I feel terrible about that. I'm sorry I put you guys in danger. It's okay. Ah, don't worry about it. It's okay. But, hey, wasn't it the best dragon warrior day ever In the history of all time? Plus they reopened chor ghom prison, right? Hundun got his wish. Home again. Finally home. My revenge will be like a poison river Of molten iron which drips and burns Like iron that has been melted and now drips. And burns. [laughs] Aw You're gonna pay, po. You're gonna pay!