Zoe Zoller - The unknown comic at woodfill variety show 2014

Hello Woodfill! So, how are you liking the Variety Show so far? My name is the Unknown Comic and I'll be entertaining you for the next 30 minutes or so. "She better be kidding. This show is SO long." I can't believe this is my last year at Woodfill. 5th grade! So, let me tell you about what its like in 5th grade. First, the girls... They already have crushes so they're like, "hee, hee, hee... " Then the boys... with their tight shirts and hair gel saying "Dude" in every sentence. So, they're like "Dude, what's up, Dude?" So, class is basically... "Dude... Hee, hee, hee... Dude." And the teachers are, like... "Ummm, here's some Deodorant." "I think she just called my son smelly!" There are just so many things I'm going to miss about Woodfill. First of all, I love the Big Top festival. I'm going to admit that I might have a problem with the Cake Walk. I pretty much spend the entire day at the Cake Walk. This year, I basically bought a 50 dollar box of Ho Hos. And, you know what? They were worth every penny. I have to say, we have the best parents at Woodfill. Let's hear it for the moms of the PTO... ...Oh, and Mr. Tim! Just look at the amazing AR prizes we can win this year-- an iPad Mini or a Kindle Fire. And, I heard that NEXT year they're giving away a convertible! With all of the PTO fundraising, we even got new Tablets this year! Woohoo!!! To do more math! Awwwww! "I helped pay for those!" I bet there's no other place in the country where parents are willing to sit in car-line for 2 hours before school even gets out. That's some serious dedication. "It's not my fault I want to be at the front of the car-line!" Yes, our parents are super involved. This year, there was even a "Mother/Son Dance". Just checking-- has anyone here ever MET a little boy? Like ever! "So, honey, you get to dress up in your fanciest clothes and wear your churchshoes to school... on the weekend! And then, you can dance with your Mommy in front of ALL your friends. How does that sound?" I'm just kidding, of course. And, let's get real... I'm sure this won't be the LAST dance some of these boys go to with their Moms. "My baby boy had a wonderful time a the Mother/Son Dance!" We have a really great new program at Woodfill— Sam the Puppet. You guys know Sam, right? Basically, Sam writes us letters looking for advice. He'll be like... "Dear Woodfill Wildcats, I want to check out a library book, but one of my classmates wants the same one. What should I do? And I'm like, "Dear Sam, I heard about your book problem. FIrst things first though... You are pretty much missing all of your internal organs and even though you're in elementary school your hair has gone completely gray. Can I help you with THAT problem? Sincerely, Unknown Comic." There are some things you can always count on at Woodfill. Like how Mr. Faust always wears colorful socks to brighten our day, or how we all have to wipe down our cafeteria tables with the same gross cafteria rag, or how the Art Teachers are always pregnant. "That's inappropriate." I know what I will miss most about Woodfill-- all of you guys. Well, except for THAT guy. After 3 years of doing this, I guess I'm not that unknown though-- so I'll lose the disguise in case you weren't clever enough to read my name in the program Hey, Variety Show crew! Great job protecting my secret! So, for the last time ever, I am the "Known" Comic ... and I am out of here!!!