Married with Children S3E8 - English Transcript

Steve and Marcie throw a nice party, don't they? Well, it would have been nicer if we were actually invited. You know, Peg, I didn't like those people very much, a bunch of boring bankers. They just kept staring at me. Well, you did overflow the toilet and not tell anyone. Well, I don't tell anyone when I do it here, but you gotta give me credit. I did try to liven things up. Well, you know, I don't think a bankers' party is the right place to stand on the buffet and yell, "Hey, let's wet down the wives' T-shirts and rate their ***!" You'd have won. Oh, Al. Eh, but for once, I gotta agree with Steve. This is the last party I'm ever going to at their house. At least we get to take home the leftovers. Excuse me, Al, but the party just started. I'll need the food back. Oh, sure, Marce. [SNEEZES] Oh, well that's okay. I suppose you need it more than I do. [SNEEZES] I'll just find some gingersnaps. Well, Dad, we got the gas like you told us to. Don't worry. I don't think anyone at the party saw us. They were too busy watching Buck mount Mrs. Vandergelder's fur coat. Can you believe that all this came from one Rolls-Royce? Oh, hi, Mrs. Rhoades. Guess what. One of your guests' cars sprung a leak, and young Bud and I thought that it was a fire hazard. So luckily, we happened along with these gas cans and once again saved the day. Damn vandals. I think they keyed the cars too. Mom, why can Buck have the coat upstairs, and I can't have boys in my room? Because that coat can't get pregnant. Obviously, neither can Kelly. That was my boss's Rolls. Give me that gas, you little pirates! Peggy, please, talk to them! Kids, you know the speech. You did a bad thing. Don't do it anymore. Okay? Fine. Kel, this is it, the last time I'm working for Dad. From now on, I go solo. Much like at Lovers' Lane? You know, our kids are growing up so fast. It seems like only yesterday they were only stealing from us. Al, your dog went on my carpet. Well, in a manner of speaking, so did Al. Well, you know, since we're all throwing stones here, we were really hurt not to be invited. It was just an oversight. No hard feelings, I hope. Let's go, Marcie. I want to get my fortune read by the psychic we hired. I hope I'm not intruding. She is incredible. Did you sense our presence here? No, I sensed you were leaving the party without paying me. Oh, no, Madame Olga, of course not, but as long as you're here, I haven't had a chance to get my fortune read. Steve, please, I really think we should do this back at our house. No. Please Sit down. I feel very strong vibrations here. Did you leave your toy running under the couch again? No. It's in the shop. It's being turbo-charged. Ah, I see a death. Oh, no. But it will bring you your life's wish. All right! Honey, you have to do this. Uh, no, I don't, Steve. With all due respect, I don't really believe in superstition. It's a refuge for small minds. I'll go! I'll go! Do you a sense a death for me that will bring me my life's wish? Let me see. Ah! An unexpected windfall will come your way. No death? Leave me. Alrighty. Go next, Al. This is fun. Feet. Is that in the cards? No, I smell your feet. Well, I smell cheap Scotch on your breath. Just read me my fortune. What else do you sense? Unfortunately, I see good fortune for you, something linked to the color green. Huh? What do I have that's green? Your teeth? Can't I have a death like Steve? No, that's all I see. Come on, Marcie. Your turn. No. I really shouldn't. Oh, go on, Marcie. It's fun. Good things are happening for everyone. Okay. But I don't know what good it will do. I've already met my tall, dark stranger. What do you see for me? I see nothing, Mrs. Rhoades. Hey, who's the guy on the card with the noose? No one, really. Could you pay me now? What? What is it? I have to know. It's good, isn't it? Everyone else's is good. Well, you could interpret it as good. Misfortune, betrayal, disaster, tragedy, but those words could mean anything. Oh. Well, like I said, I don't really believe in this stuff. Thanks, Steve. This is fun. I'm going to die. But you three will have good luck. You know, it's funny. I wanted to hire a caricaturist, but Steve thought that might upset people. You were so right. This is much better. Let's party. Oh, honey, come on. She's a con artist, a fake, a charlatan. So good things are going to happen for me, right? Yeah, yeah. All right. [DOORBELL RINGS] Hi, Marce. Hi, Peggy. Look, I'm still alive. I told you that fortune teller didn't know what she was talking about. I've already forgotten what she said to me. You know, "misfortune, betrayal, disaster, tragedy. " Anything good happen to you? Hey! Thank God. [DOORBELL RINGS] See, you can't take these fortune tellers seriously. They just make up stuff. Mrs. Bundy? Yes. I found your husband's wallet in the parking lot at the mall. Oh, it's all there, ma'am, I didn't take anything. Oh, you know, he will be so happy to hear that there are still some honest people left in the world. Thank you. Excuse me, but I came all the way over here on my own time. Oh. I'm sorry. Ah! Can you believe it, Marcie? A windfall, just like the gypsy said. I'm so happy for you. Oh, don't be ridiculous, Marcie. Nothing bad ever happens to you. You're the luckiest person I know. Uh, Peggy, do you have a cat? No. Why? Oh, just wondering. Peg! Guess what happened? You remember that fortune teller said green? Well, I saw this horse, Gangrene, running in the third race today. He went off at 20 to 1, and I won $200. That fortune teller really knew what she was talking about. I'm going to die. [DOORBELL RINGS] Oh, Marcie, I'm sure she was wrong. Steve was the only one she went into detail with, and nobody has died yet. Guess who just kicked the bucket. Only the man with the best parking space at the bank. Meet the new man with the best parking space at the bank. He always said I'd get that space over his dead body. [CACKLES] See you at the funeral, Simpson! Boy, that gypsy sure knew what she was talking about. She sure did. I won $200 on a horse. Yeah, and I-- I got I got the best guy in the whole world. So we're all winners! Why is everyone looking at me? Because you're up next. Smooth, Al. Don't you think she knows disaster is gonna happen to her? Yeah, maybe it's not even safe to have her in our house. Oh, no. I'm not taking her to my house. I don't even want her around my parking space. [MEN LAUGH] Well, aren't we the merry widower? Oh, buck up, cupcake. Daddy has a piece of good news he's been saving until you were at your lowest. Well, just how low would you like me to get, Steve? Shaking, vomiting. Perhaps if an eye dropped out. Give me the news! Your boss, Mr. Vandergelder, called, and of all the employees at your bank, he wants you to accompany him when he makes his keynote speech at the Women in Banking Convention. Really? Me? I'm so honored. Ha! I spit in Madame Olga's eye. [SPITS] Stupid gypsy. I'm glad I stopped payment on her check. Let her rot in hell, because I'm going to the top. Where and when, Steve? Tomorrow night, 7:30, New York City. I love New York City. If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere. How am I going to make it there, Steve? On a plane, you're flying. So that's how you're gonna die. I'm not going to New York, Steve. Well, honey, it's good for your career. No, Steve, spiraling down to earth in a fiery hell is not really good for my career. I know what's going to happen. The plane will crash in the ocean. Then we'll all scamper for lifeboats. I'm little. The big girls will push me aside, like they did in school during fire drills. I remember those drills. Orderly exit, my ***! They trampled me like peanut shells on the floor of a cheap bar! Uh, Marcie, you can't refuse your boss. I hate my boss. Mr. Vanderdoody of the Daughters of the American Revolution Vanderdoodys. Oh, to hell with my career. Steve, let me talk some sense into her. Marcie, you're worried over nothing. There's no ocean between here and New York. Worse thing that could happen, you'd hit a mountain and disintegrate. Oh, honey, all that wisdom, and yet we live amongst the common people. Marcie, you're acting like a baby. Millions of people fly every day. Be strong and buy insurance. Insurance? Yes. As a matter of fact, I'll take insurance with me. Uh, won't it burn in the wreck, sweetie? I don't mean that kind of insurance, vulture. I'm taking you with me. All of you. You're having good luck. Nothing can happen to you, so we'll all fly to New York together. We'll pay. Oh, Al! We're going to New York. Free! Well, I guess if it'll make you feel safer, we can afford four coach tickets. Excuse me, here, Steve. Bundys don't fly coach. No, we fly first class, or we don't fly. Done. First class! I thought I'd have to wait for my second husband to fly first class. [SIGHS] Miss Rhoades. Yes, Mr. Vandergelder. Once we're in the air, I'll want coffee. They have flight attendants for that. I like it when you get me coffee Yes, Mr. Vandergelder. And, Miss Rhoades, I just finished reading my speech that you wrote. I don't like it. Would you please redo it and make more references to me and to my tremendous commitment to the women's movement. Yes, Mr. Vandergelder. God, I hate him. I'd like to punch him right in the middle of his fat face. Miss Rhoades. Yes, sir? Once we're in New York, would you pick up a little gift for my wife? Yes, perhaps a picture of you and your old army buddy. How you doing over there, Fluffy? How am I doing what? * Start spreading The news ** Now, what do you think, Peg? Could we live in that VIP lounge or what? Well, probably not. They threw us out after you overflowed the toilet. Aw, Peg, you gotta see this. Look at those poor slobs back in coach, sitting like cattle. Moo! Oh Al, that's not nice. Boy, the seats are big up here in first class! Hey, Marce. Hey, check out the old guy sitting next to his granddaughter over there. [INAUDIBLE] Aw, Peg, come on. She's probably just his personal flotation device. Ahmmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Excuse me, sir. Please buckle your seat belt. Excuse me. Is the pilot any good? Oh, he's fantastic. His hands are gentle but, oh, so rough. I meant, can he fly the plane? How would I know? CAPTAIN: Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain, John Canyon. That's it? No "Have a pleasant flight?" No "We won't crash?" No "Marcie Rhoades is not going to die"? Marce, you're a little loud over there. Now, listen, you're flying first class. Let's act like you've done this a couple of times before. Hey, waitress! Sir, we have some complimentary in-flight slippers. If you'd care to take off your shoes and relax. [LAUGHING] Mmm. Hey, stewardess. Another round for everybody. I mean, it's free up here, isn't it? Mmm. Ah. Feeling better, honey? Fine, fine. Not dead or anything. I told you that gypsy fortune teller was just a bunch of hooey. This is your captain speaking. We're starting our initial descent over-- Whoa! Frank, turn off the intercom. We're going down. What are we going to do? You know I stink at landings. You took the test for me. Give me some gin and turn the intercom back on. I'll just lie to the passengers. We're encountering a little mild turbulence. So for your safety, fasten seat belts, extinguish all cigarettes and-- Ah, what the hell, light up. Peggy, this is it! We're going down! * Hey, hey, Paula I wanna marry you * * Hey, hey, Paul I wanna marry you too * Steve, I just want you to know I love you. And if only one of us has to go, I hope it's me. Don't you feel the same way? If that's what you want, I hope it's you too. Miss Rhoades this speech is still unacceptable. Do it over before we land. Can you believe this guy? Miss Rhoades, get me a pillow. I'm going to die in a blazing furnace, and he wants a pillow. You fat pig! I work my fingers to the bone for you. I'm a bank manager, damn it, not your handmaiden, but do you appreciate me? No! It's always, "Get me coffee. "Write my speech. "Here comes my wife. Pretend Fluffy's with you. " Well, I'm sick of it, and I'm sick of you, Vanderdoody! I've done a lot of low things for you, but when I meet my maker in a few minutes, and he asks if I've done anything good, I'll say, "Yes. I did this. " Ooh! I'm ready to die. CAPTAIN: Well, we seemed to pull out of that one. I'm happy to say we're on our final approach to JFK, and we'll be landing in 10 minutes. I hope you enjoyed your trip. We're gonna live! We can't! You said we were gonna crash! Now you say we're not! What kind of a pilot are you? Steve, I'm never flying this airline again. [GROANS] Oh, Steve what have I done? I'm ruined. This is what the gypsy meant: disaster, the end of my career. When he regains consciousness, I know his first words will be, "You're fired. " I wouldn't worry about it. Play your cards right, you might even get a promotion. I split his lip like a bunny, Steve. Yes, but you know something about Mr. Vandergelder that Mrs. Vandergelder doesn't. What's that? The Fluffster. * I got you To hold my hand * * I got you To understand * *I got you Na, na, na, na, na * * I got you Na, na, na, na, na * [BOTH HUMMING OFF-KEY] BOTH: * I got you, babe * * Babe * * I got you, babe ** [***]