G.B.H. S1E4 - English Transcript

1 Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside Oh, I do I don't know why, I don't, but that's the only thing your dad ever wanted to do. I joined the navy to see the world And what did I see I saw the sea Although he never actually joined the navy. Not the navy that fights in wars. Just the navy that delivers things. You know, from place to place. Like the post office. Don't make it sound too romantic, Mam. Oh, did I? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I don't like the sea myself. All that water. And your uncle Michael is just the same. If he had the sea in his back garden, all he'd do was draw the curtains. But it was very nice of him to let us borrow the car. - Even nicer if I knew where we were going. - It's a surprise. Oh, I don't like surprises, Franky. I've had too many of them. Got so as I wasn't surprised any more. We're going where you always took us. Oh. Oh, well, never mind. Maybe you'll like it. Because you know what they say, don't you? Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside Oh, I do like to be beside the sea Oh, I do like to stroll along the prom, prom, prom Where the brass band plays, tiddly-om-pom-pm Don't look at me like that. I can't help it. After all, you have lost Sort of lost. In that I don't know where they are. That's all. So you've sort of lost your mother, your brother and a council car? Now what's next? You did say there were three people you wanted me to find. Who's the third? Her name is Eileen Critchley, same age as me, parents in the legal game. She left this city in '56, or maybe '57. Until then, she lived in a big house in the Seagate area. Bright ***. Oh, yeah. You bet your life she went to university. - And? - And I'm in a hurry. Is that it? Is that all I've got to go on? She had blondish hair, you know. Liked to wear scarves. - I'll have to go to London. - Go, then. Go now. It's Friday. St Catherine's well, what used to be Somerset House, is shut till Monday. Just find her. You'll have to get me a room in the hotel. A proper room, not a recording studio. And one that's separate from Sylvia. Yeah. No problem. Is there anything else I can go on? Married name, brothers, sisters? She er - Yeah, she had a younger sister. - Name? No. Have you any idea where she is now? What, her sister? - Eileen Critchley. - She says she's here. - So why do I have to go and look for her? - Because I don't want her to find me! - But she already has. - I don't want her She mustn't ruin I want her found. She's not gonna be found only to disappear again, is she? Eh? What do you think I am? I don't know. Sorry, Mr Murray, but the director of education is still waiting for you - and there's papers to sign. - I know, I know. - But this - I've told you before. Is it my mother? No, it's actually someone who says she's a very good friend. - Called Barbara Douglas? - Sorry? Never mind. Look - Whoever it is, tell 'em to go away. - I have, but she's insistent. - She said you would want to speak to her. - What? - What's her name? - Eileen Critchley. Put her through. Go ahead, caller. You now have Mr Murray. Yes? Why don't we save Mr Weller till tomorrow? A short reprieve. I'm sure he deserves it. No, we'll wait. - Yes? - Ah, Mrs Murray. Sorry to bother you again. It's Eileen Critch Eileen Critchley, you *** little ***. Get back on the streets where you belong. And the very same to you, Mrs Murray. Your command of basic Anglo-Saxon is quite remarkable. What a charming and sophisticated woman. Just like her husband? More so, I think. He hit you? Nelson hit you? Jesus Christ. You're the director of education. Shouldn't you be able to understand words? He hit me. All right? He sneaked up on me. Sort of. - Wonderful. - I'll arrange for you to meet him. You don't have to. I'll just get his notice of suspension typed out. Mr Nelson hit you? The civic leader of this council, he hit you? All right, all right. Don't go on about it. It was a lucky shot, that's all. Serious misdemeanour, outside of the jurisdiction of the governors of his school. But within my jurisdiction. You should have got him to hit you months ago. Headmaster suspended. School closed down. Land for sale. Terry - Now you're talking. - Turn it into another hypermarket. Why not? Schools are getting turned into hypermarkets all over the country. Terry, when you've got his suspension typed out, get one of them motorbike couriers to take it over to his house tonight. - I'm not dying. My doctor's dying. - Come in. - My doctor is dying, Laura. My doctor - You told me. - I want to be the headline. - Tell me later. I must go and pick up Susan. - I've got this pain. - It'll go away. - Come on, gang. - Oh, I admire you, Laura. I really do. Whatever's wrong with me, you can cope with it. Such grace under pressure. How do you do it? - What? - I'm just thanking your mother. Mr Nelson. Sign here, please. - Oh, no. - What? No, not what. Why. Get in the car, darling. - Jim, Jim - Go away. - No, I have to - Go away. - Mrs Nelson, this is very important. - No, it's not. - I have to talk to him. - No, you don't. Mrs Nelson. Jim? I've got to pick Susan up. You know what it's like around there. - I'll be back as soon as I possibly can. - Have we got anything to drink? I'll get some Scotch. Calm. Calm, calm. Calm, calm calm! - She's gone, Jim. - Who's gone? - Your wife. - I know she's gone. Well, you can come with me, then. - Do you do this with all your friends? - No, it's the Labour club. You must So, if you don't mind I'm sure you do understand. But it's it's even more important now. You've got to come with me. You've got to see what else they're doing to you. Tell me what you can see. I never joined the Cubs because of games such as these. - Come on. - There's some kind of queue at the far end. Have a good look at that queue. Well, they all look fairly young and brutal. A lot of people look that way these days. Are you starting a football team, Frank? If we are, Jim, you're the football. I only play friendlies now. Not with that team out there and those that manage them. They've had some notable victories in their time. Inner London, Bristol, Newcastle. Liverpool, Birkenhead. Went very quiet for a time, seemed to be on a losing streak. But they're on the comeback trail now and they're here, paying their subscription, joining the club. - And? - And it's all your fault, Jim, in a manner of speaking. Why would that be, may I ask? Because they wouldn't be bothered with us without you. Frank, I'm tired and I want to go home. It's not every day a man is suspended from a job he loves. You're not the only one caught up in all this, you know. The humiliation's well spread around. I know. I do know, Frank, but There's been many a man's pride and livelihood gone to the wall since Murray crawled from out of the woodwork. All right. Well, tell me in simple words of one or two syllables Don't you patronise me, Jim Nelson. I wasn't. I'm not. I only want to know why I am to blame for what's happening out there. At our next monthly meeting, a motion will be put forward to expel you from the Labour Party. - Murray's work? - Murray's work. Well, that explains a few things. Calm, calm, calm. Pardon? Why? For bringing the Labour Party into disrepute. Disrepute? Disrepute? It can cover anything. It doesn't much matter. The point is, things will never be the same again here, and it won't be progress. You know, it's funny, but where I come from, friend, you can call someone friend but it doesn't really mean friend. Far from it. You know what I mean? Friend. Now give me that box before we break whatever we can get hold of. I know him. No, you can't go out there. Don't go out there, Jim. You'll get killed on the outskirts. You're a real friend. Thank you and good night. No, though. Hang on. Come here. Look, Jim. Young Robbie's dad, Norman. And Arthur, his brother. And? See that group of tables in the corner, where all the sodding *** little gobshite *** are sitting down? If the Queen knew what was happening to her English That's where the Burns family sits. It's almost a statute. No one else can sit there. Ho-ho-ho Leave it. Oh, sod it. Is that it, then? The brotherhood of man? Equality and social justice? All for one and one for all? Yes, but People are getting damaged, values destroyed. Murray's alive and well, I've lost my *** job and the only light at the end of the tunnel is the prospect of that lot playing handbags at dawn. Don't tell me that's the answer, cos I want a fight, but I want a proper fight. And it may be a waste of time, but when they expel me, I'll come back and fight. - I wouldn't fight you, Frank. - Don't you see I see, all right. But I've seen it all before. "There's more of us than there is of you. "Gotta join someone's gang. Ours is bigger than yours. I'll get my brother onto you. "My dad'll fight your dad. I'll tell my mum on you. "Na-na, na-na-na. " - Four messages from Mr Murray for you. - Oh. Thanks. Eileen Critchley phoned. "Will call again later" times three. And will you please phone home? Can I help you? Oh, God Oh, God, Geoff. - You're the only one I can trust. - Me? Yeah. You're the only one left that I can trust. Where are all the others? In prison? I don't ask much, do I? No, but it's getting too much. Politics is corrupting me. I could lose my job. - What am I saying? I will lose my job. - Count your blessings. Today, I've already lost a mother, a brother, a motor car, the woman I love, while in their place, I've got the possibility of a return match with someone I lost to 35 years ago. By a neck. - Is this er Eileen Critchley? - Yeah. Don't you tell anyone. Oh, Christ. If I only knew where she was. I shouldn't know his first name. His pupils would always have known him as Mr Weller. And I was one of his pupils, wasn't I? Were you? I am now. I'll take him now. Mr Weller? Go away. Go away. But surely, sir, you remember me? No. I expect this is some horrible trick, young lady. - I'm sorry? - I saw you. You were here yesterday. I know. I brought you some flowers then, sir. They're for you. On your retirement. Whoever you are, it is far too late for flowers and fond memories. I have no further interest. Good evening and go away. School is over. Please. Please. I only found out about your retirement yesterday morning, sir. And as soon as I knew, my husband drove me all the way from I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please, do come in. Er Oh. These flowers are truly beautiful. Please do. Go through. I'm er I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've long since forgotten common courtesies and generous acts. Please, come through. Would you care for a sherry? I'm not a drinker as such, but I think I could rustle up, as it were, a small Coffee would be fine, sir, if it's not too much trouble. Oh, indeed, my girl. My dear girl. It's no trouble at all. Please, do not call me sir. Mr er Mr Weller would be more than sufficient. Margaret Weller, 24 Holly Lodge Road, Leicester 19. Patricia Weller, The Orchard House, Sedbergh, Cumbria. I hope you're not going to make me guess who you are. A schoolmaster's nightmare. You might not think you've changed. You remember yourself, your friends, your classmates, you recognise me, but goodness, for a headmaster, the task is impossible. Ugly ducklings, early roses, nice little boys and Please, Mr Weller. Let me. I looked for a card with the flowers to tell me. Didn't you know you retired today? Oh. Your name. I hoped to remember. Then I wanted to know rather than to ask. I'm sure that it will come to you, Mr Weller. You're You're very Oh, once Just this once, say something in the presence of beauty. This woman so inviting and thankful for past favours. Say something significant, confident, and all your own words. Please do not seek refuge in TS Eliot's words. Do not think of Eliot at all. Do not What if I should dare? What if I should dare and she should say, "No, no, that is not what I meant at all"? Oh, God Oh, God I have nearly known so many women. Nearly but never. One especially. The best, the worst, the hardest to forget. Do not think of her, do not It wasn't me. I love Michael Murray's mother. - What's the matter? - The matter? You shuddered. I could feel you. And you said something under your breath. Oh, merely a short prayer. It's just that I'm sure I should have remembered such beauty as yours, - even after all these years. - You're very kind. Why did you make such an effort on on my behalf? It's simply that I have fond memories of you, Mr Weller. You always gave me straight A's for everything. And then you used to write such sweet things about me at the bottom of my report. I I love the language, you see. Expressing myself in that manner, if not others. To play with words. And what words did I put on your report, perchance? Perchance not, of course, being your name. You could look if you wanted, Mr Weller. Oh, could I? Your copy. You always kept a carbon copy of everything. We used to laugh about it. Nice laughter. It was nice laughter as I remember it. Like our laughter at those funny things you used to write. I'll never forget. Yes? You wrote about it in your report. You could read it for yourself, in your copy. Oh. I'm not sure that I should. Your words of wisdom. And your funny little sayings. Show me, Mr Weller. Then you'll know who I am. Because I'll be there, gathering dust. And I'll be here, with you. I did it! I dared! I touched her! She was not startled and I was not reduced to poetry. All these wasted years when I have flown false colours when I could have been a lover. Not Eliot. Hemingway, Frank Harris, Jack London, Dylan Thomas or Brendan Behan even. Oh, yes! I am a roaring boy! Now, then. Now, then, indeed. Now, tell me. A to D? E to H? I to M? - Need I go further? - No, Mr Weller. You've gone far enough. Farewell, then, N to Z. Now. Shall we narrow it down again, perhaps? A to D, or are you hidden further along the alphabet? A to D has it, Mr Weller. Matthew. Please call me Matthew. I think the occasion merits first names, don't you, Miss A to D? But that would be cheating, wouldn't it Matthew? Be telling, when you should be finding out. A. B? C. D You're not dyslexic, but any chance? Is something wrong? My dear girl, I know I I talk too much at times. The er The words come But um I have helped others in the past. I'm very good at listening. I've helped others before. It's Nothing. Only a thought, Matthew. An old friend of mine, a boy I haven't seen for many years. Part of our childhood somehow contained within I would simply love to read your comments about my friend. Then so you shall. My finger has been in the ***. But now let me be damned, for once that finger has foregone its place, then so shall the waters flood. Oh, but first, let our foreplay finish. Tell me, what fine young thing came bearing fresh flowers? I beg you, I beg to know. Eileen Critchley. No No, you cannot You cannot be Eileen Critchley. What trick is this? - I can show you proof. - You can show me a death certificate, for Eileen Critchley's dead. Dead! Come here! This is a mistake. You must have been mistaken. She died in her first year at Oxford. I know things. I know things. Who are you? Who sent you here? Michael Murray sent you. I know he did! Stupid, stupid, stupid He knew too much and I should have known. Her death would have been his as well. Stupid! I should have known he would have found out that I had died. That I had died. Well, here I am. How much further must I descend? Are you satisfied yet, sister? Come on. Tell me. What course is charted? Don't tell me I resort to this on my own. What about my destiny? I want my own destiny. - What in the name of God - Never mind. Listen to me. No, listen to this first. Margaret Weller, 24 Holly Lodge Road, Leicester 19. Patricia Weller, The Orchard House, Sedbergh, Cumbria. Write it down. I've written it down. So you phone Weller now. Now. The number's there in my case. Tell him you're the doctor in charge of the casualty department at Leicester. Sister Margaret, bad accident, life or death, wants Weller by her side. Understand? Phew. You're in a state. We'll all be in a state if this isn't done. Then get his line broken, get his sister's line thrown into engaged. The same with the other sister in Cumbria. Then get a new car here for me. Get some support here. As soon as he leaves the house, have him followed south. Get in his house, find his study, get the Michael Murray file and get me the Eileen Critchley file too. Don't look at them. Just get them. Get Get Get Don't be funny. It doesn't befit your position. Babah? - No - No what? Nothing. Babah? Der-der-der-der Der-der-der-der Never forget, Babah. Never forget the wicked boy and what he did to me. Tell me again, Eileen. Please tell me again. He's a very wicked boy, Babah. He wants to hurt me. I would have been dead. - Deaded? - He's still there, still waiting to get me. - He'll get you, too. He will. He doesn't care. - Oh, Eileen Remember what he did, and if I'm not here, when I'm not here, remember me and remember him. Remember Michael Murray. - Michael Murray. - Michael Murray. Eileen, I want a scarf like yours. Bye-bye, Mother. Bye-bye, Father. Bye-bye, Mother. Bye-bye, Father. - Bye, Uncle Dennis. - When can I be you, Eileen? When? I want to be you, Eileen. Please let me be you, Eileen. One day, Babah, one day. But not now. You wouldn't want to be me now, Babah. Not while Michael Murray's out there. Waiting. Barbara? Barbara? Barbara? Barbara And you must understand that while the coming days and nights may appear to be bloody and unjust, they will, if taken from a historical viewpoint, be seen to be a small but vitally important part of the ongoing struggle. I have to say that I have thought long and hard and hesitated often about our course. For what we are planning is not pleasant and can only be condoned if the result is that society eventually benefits. Do you wanna fight? Do you? I won't ask again. Dad? - Eh? - Be quiet. - I won't. - He can't hear you, anyway. He's asleep. - His eyes are open. - I haven't got any brothers. But I don't care. What? Laura? It's me. I'm suspended. You know? I am. - What? - Shut up! - I'm going to wake him up. - Spoilsport. Just when it was getting interesting. - Dad? - I love you, Laura. Don't get too close, Susan. More than a brother. Much more. I'm glad you're not a man. - Oh, God. - Laura? I can't unfasten my belt. - I'm stopping this. - You'd better not. - Yes, I can. - Get off, Mark. I'm telling. That's it. Mum? Mum? I am a socialist. Shut up. Oh, no. Have I? Did I? - It was really quite exciting. - That's enough. Jessica, stop trying to cry. This is no way to watch the news. How are things in the Middle East, incidentally? Come on, Jim. You can help me pack, now that I've nearly finished. I couldn't believe it when I came back and found you weren't here. Of all the places to go to, a bloody Labour club. What did you learn there, eh? Couldn't you have waited for me to come back? What's so special about men that men have to talk to them first? It wasn't like that at all. I only went there because Don't answer the door! Jim, don't answer it. Jim! Please don't answer it, whoever it is. It's all right, Laura. It's Mr Weller. I'm so sorry, I'm so terribly sorry, but there's no one else I could turn to. - Mr Weller. - You told me if I ever wanted anything I should come to you. You can withstand him, you see, but I can't stand anything any more. Not any more, not after that what that woman said. No, no, no. No, no, don't touch me. She touched me. Hide it. Hide it well. It will explain everything, you see. You see, Michael Murray I saved Michael Murray. I loved his mother. Nobody knows that. I've kept it a secret. But now it's yours to have and to hold. - Come inside. - No, I can't, I'm afraid. My sister in Leicester has had an accident. I have to go to her. It seems it's a bad accident. She may die. Ooh, God. I'll have to have a lie down, Margie. I'm sure they've moved that beach. It's farther away than I remember it to be. Don't know where Franky's got to. Said he was only going for a paper. He'll be where he always used to be. When he comes back, he'll be stinking. I don't think he's gone for a drink. Hey, come on, you two. Get away from your dad's car. Come on. Oh! Now Careful. I detest your children, Margie. I'm not putting them in there, either. If you think I'm gonna spend three weeks on this rust bucket, you've got another thing coming. You couldn't mend a hole in your ***. If you leave this deck, you'll never come back on it again. Leave it? I don't want to come back. Don't you worry, I won't be back. - Hey, Captain. Can I have a word? - Yeah. - Have you got a job? - Could have. Geoff? Did you ever do something when you were a kid, you know, just a little kid, something that you've never quite forgotten? Eh? It's been like a cross to bear. Did you? Have you? Well, I I once broke some crockery in a crockery shop when I was out with my mum. Didn't half get shouted at. That's something I think about when I'm in a crockery shop. Oh, no Hello? Hello, Mrs Murray. - Is my husband there? - Actually, yes, Mrs Murray. Actually, no, Mrs Murray. Your husband was here but he left a short time ago. - You lying ***! - Well, I'm sorry you don't believe me. Oh, Geoff, Geoff. What am I going to do? I don't know. She sounded very upset. No, no. I've broken my glasses. There There is a conflict, of course, between our actions and their eventual outcome. But now we have the courage to take the path that lies ahead. I have to thank you I want to thank you all for your support. And especially Lou here who deserves every praise for judging that the time is right, the time is now. Bravo, Lou! We will meet again in worse and in better times. Well done. Great speech. - Mervyn? - Mm? - I'll follow you up in a minute. All right? - All right. So, tell us what's happening. - Some olives, madam. - Thank you. Excuse me. What did that little sod say to you again? He said when you was wanted at the meeting, he'd call you. He'd call me. Hey. He'd call me? This is my city, right? That is my meeting. Where are you going? - I'm going to the toilet. - You've just been. Must have been the mushy peas. That late? I wish I'd never met them. You know what? I was doing all right before I met them. I was doing more than all right. I was doing good. I was helping other people as well as myself. But I I don't need them. Easy, boys. Easy, easy, easy. This body leaves in ten minutes. Be on it. Right, let's have another drink. Same again, John. - One for the road. - If I have another, I won't see the road. Boss, do you know the Yes, I do know. I can't stop winking. I'll start again. Boss, do you know the right time? I'm sure my watch is running slow. It's ten to ten, and they're having that meeting without me. Sit down, sit down. I'm not taking this lying down. What do you want? - Sit down. - You sit down. - I'm going somewhere. - So am I. - No, you're not. So sit down. - I am. No, you're not. And er stop winking at me. - I'm going to the meeting. - It's over. - It can't be. - It is. - Who says? - I did just now. Didn't you hear me? - Nobody told me. - Somebody did. It was me. I told you and I'm telling you again. The meeting's been held, the meeting's over and er you weren't needed. So I'm not wanted at this meeting then? The meeting's over. Can't - Can't - Can't we sit down and talk about this? Take that one, Jack. I'll take that. Cheers. Thanks. - Well, you're on your own now, boss. - Thanks. - I'm going home. - Yeah. I think I'll come with you. You can't. There's no room at our house. No. No. Home to the wife. Well, Maureen, this could be your lucky night. Wedded bliss, eh? Nothing like it. - Any messages, love? - No, sorry, Mr Maguire. Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! - Sieg Heil! - Mr Murray, these messages are for you. Oooh! All I said to him was I thought flares went out with the Bay City Rollers. Gothic. Some report. What am I gonna do with it? Take it with me? It's not exactly holiday reading, is it? You can't swap this for a Catherine Cookson. If this was the case history of a kid who'd been sent to me, I'd be very concerned for him. What about the girl he tried to kill? What if he'd succeeded? What if she was a pupil in your school? Come on, Jim. That evil ***'s been trying to destroy you every way he can think of. Now at last you've got something on him, use it. I'd send Murray's report to the worst right-wing paper I can think of. In fact, I'd Red Star it tonight. You think Murray would like to get his hands on this? Mm-hm. So do I. Do you understand me? You never come here ever again. Never even think about it. It was important. I tried phoning you. But the phone is off the hook to stop Murray contacting me until I want to contact him. But that's why I took the chance. Murray's a gibbering wreck down in the foyer. I knew it was safe. And what happens if there's a knock on the door now and it's the gibbering wreck? He's been up here twice already tonight moaning outside. - I'd hide in the bathroom. - All night? Look. I've got something very important to tell you and you'd better hear me out because there were no files in Weller's study. - Oh, please - None for Murray or for Critchley. Everything from John Aaron to Freda Zimmerman but not the two you wanted. - Now do you understand why I'm here? - He's hidden them. We know he took them with him and where he took them. - Leicester. - On his way to Leicester, he stopped off at another headmaster's house, by the name of Jim Nelson. Ring any bells? The man who spoiled Michael Murray's greatest day. Well, there's a certain symmetry in that, anyhow. And if you're right, how do you plan to get them back? Plenty of time. The Nelson family depart on two weeks' holiday tomorrow morning. - I've done my homework. - The headmaster will be pleased with you. - What about the headmistress? - Made of much sterner stuff, I'm afraid. Nevertheless, you have gone up in her estimation. And that will be reflected in your end of term report. You can come out soon, Michael. He's just leaving. Whatever else happens tonight, it can wait until tomorrow. I'll be in the bar if you want me. You buggered it up. It's recoverable. You heard the messenger boy. But now we've got a classroom troublemaker involved. Jim Nelson's trouble. He's got values. More to the point, we tipped Murray over the edge tonight. In anticipation of your success, Barbara, in locating the files. So someone had better jump in and rescue our Mr Murray. Till it's the proper time for him to drown. It's a shame, I know. But it looks like you. After all, it couldn't possibly be either of us. Or Bubbles. - Accent. - Know what I mean, girl? Exterminate! Exterminate! Your messages, sir. Hello, my Darlek! There you go. Er Do me a favour, love. Could you ring Barbara Douglas's room? Your wife called. "It's the last straw, Michael. " Eileen Critchley called. "I'll call again. " "I'm coming to the hotel"? Um Who Do you Do you know who sent this message, love? I don't know, sir. And Miss Douglas is not answering her phone. Go on, Mother! Go on! Be there. Go away! She gone away. Ooof! Gimme a break, will ya? Come on, Maureen! Michael? Yes, yes! Maureen! Barbara? Oooh! ***! My futures Pardon my French. Thank you, Barbara. Aah Is your arm all right? Fine. I must have trapped a nerve when I fainted. Hello. Your shoulders are all knotted up. You need a good massage. Barbara, I've had a terrible day. So have I. Why don't we go up to my room, share a bottle of wine and um massage each other? Yeah. Er Tell you what. Excuse Excuse me. - What? - I won't be long. I just - The lift's arrived. - The lift? Fate sent it. I knew it would. Well. Shall we? Tell you what. You take the lift, right? And I'll order the wine. - Yeah, what do you say? - Room service. Eventually, eventually. Good idea. But I could put the order in now, Barbara. You know, "Someone's here. " You know. Something special for a special event. Bottle of champagne, eh? To the temperature required. Why not? Bottle of er Lambert. Take the lift, Barbara. I didn't want it anyway. - You lucky ***! - Don't you dare call me lucky! Geoff? Geoff? Where do you keep your Durex? - What? - Where do you keep your Durex? - In my wallet. - No, the Durex for the machine. - In the machine. - It's empty. Durex, the biggest exterminator of them all! Exterminate, exterminate! Ow! Geoff. This is important. Where are they? - We haven't got any more. - You must have. Someone comes every Thursday morning to fill the machine for the weekend rush. We had a firemen's federation meeting last night. Those buggers always All right. But there must be some somewhere. There's an all-night chemist down the docks. He'll be stocked up. It's the sailors. Galloping Christ. I want protection and get a lecture on the *** behaviour of sailors. - Sailors. - I'm only saying, that's all. - I'll get someone to run you down there. - Look. I haven't time. I need them now. And I need two bottles of champagne. Is this some kind of experiment? - Look! - Hey! When you went to the cocktail bar, did you notice if any of the bar staff put money in the till and left it open? What? - When you bought drinks at the bar tonight? - I don't go to the bar. I send someone to the bar. And I don't see the connection. There is none. It's just that someone is robbing me soft and I think it's the bar staff. - So - Geoff? Please. Please, Geoff. Come on. I'm on the promise of a lifetime upstairs. And I need to be armed. Please. - That Barbara one. - Yeah. - Hmm - I know, I know. Ooh. I know, Geoff. But you know what these intelligent women are like. Health and safety and all that. - Don't get upset, Michael. - Geoff. How many have you got in your wallet? Come on, Geoff. How many? - Two. - Two? Two? You're not very optimistic, are you? When do I get the chance? I work unsocial hours. - Geoff, can I borrow them? - I wouldn't want them back. Geoff. Can I have 'em? Please? Yeah, sure. Ow! Ow! Be careful. They might have moth holes in 'em. Oh, Geoff. Oh, thanks, Geoff. Thank you. Don't forget the champagne. Room 317. Geoff, it's the one with the pompadour. - Eh? - The barman who's robbing you. - How do you know that? - Because Terry gives him a tenner - and he gives us free drinks all night. - Free drinks? - I'm sorry, love. - I am 18, though. It's more than my job's worth. One night with you Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah Come on. Relax, relax. Deep breaths. Come on. On your toes. On your toes. Ya-ya-ya Ya-ya-ya Dance. That's the way to do it. Come on, dance. You owe it to yourself. After what you've been through, you deserve her. Right, this is your reward. Collect yourself and collect her. Go past Go, do not stop. Go past go, do not stop. Go past go, do not stop. Go past go, do not stop. Oh, yeah Hey I feel good. Come in. Come in, Michael. The door's open. Oh, Mr Murray, sir. Some champagne. And some very important information for you, sir. Take the champagne to the room. - Certainly, but I think you should know - Tell her I've gone to Borneo. - She'll understand. - Sorry, sir, but I don't understand. You expect too much from life. Just do it. - I've got something to tell you. - Take your tray and get to her room. - Her room is on this floor, sir. - I know. I know, I'm not stupid. Yeah, but you keep pointing up all the time. You had a narrow escape there, smartarse. - Sir, listen to me. I've got news for you. - So have I. You're sacked! You got me the job, sir. I don't care if you are black. Someone will sack you later. Now do as you're told. It's only a part-time job, actually, sir. I'm training to be a psychiatric nurse. - Fascinating. - Honestly, sir. I wouldn't go down there. - Go away! - Your wife is in the foyer. My wife? Oh, faint. Faint, please! Die. Die. Go ahead, die. See if I care. - Why didn't you tell me? - You didn't give me a chance. - Is she on the war path? - Causing a scene, sir. Can I get from the service lift to the back entry? Can I? - Not without going through the foyer. - I know. What am I going to do? There's the stairs. Cut through on the first floor to the back and use the fire escape. You're not sacked any more. Ah! Just Just There's a man down there. He's coming up here. He's er from a newspaper. He's got a room on the er On the Oh You've got to hide me. He can't see me like this. Please help me. - Hide me. - I'll hide you, Michael. Yes, yes. No, no, I can't. Yes, yes, you can. Could be your wife. Walk this way. Look. No, look behind you. My wife is not creeping up on us, is she? Silent but deadly? No, just a Dalek and one of Doctor Who's assistants. Oh, that's all right. Hey, what's the man at the top of the stairs doing? - He's rubbing his eyes. - Anything else? Holding onto the banister. I have it in my power to promote you, young man. Keep walking. Well, we're here. If we were in Russia, kid, I'd kiss you on both cheeks, but as it is, I wish you well and er I'll take the tray. No, don't worry about protocol. As far as I'm concerned, we're equal in the eyes of God. Yeah. He hates us all. Ooh! Isn't he simply wonderful? I'd better go. It's wrong. Morally? Everything's wrong. I can't do anything right any more. It'd be best if I just went. And where would you go? If you left me? Somewhere where you wouldn't see me mess things up. But I don't want you to go, Michael. - I'm not well. - I can make you better. - My eye. - I know. - My my arm. - I know that too. - So why? - I'm attracted to you. - Even like this? - Especially like this. - But I? - Ssshh. No more questions. No more worries tonight. You're with me. Only me. What harm can possibly befall you now? Not now. Not tonight. Champagne. What a good idea. It's been all shook up. - Won't it blow up? - There's a way of doing it, Michael. Not by me, there isn't. If I opened that, I'd kill the couple upstairs. Oh, don't. Please. Please don't laugh at me. I can't help it. You make me laugh. Very few people do. Anyway, who was it said laughter's the best medicine? I don't know. Some bloody comedian. Look. No, don't. Don't. Don't look. Just listen. I've always er I've always dreamt of you. Um Well, if not you, someone very like you. See, when I was a little kid When you were a little kid what? There There was someone I knew when I was a little kid that did things to me. To you? She was the same age as me, but er she wasn't. I don't want to But I always thought I'd meet a woman like you. With all your qualities. The things that you possess that I haven't got and never will have. If I did have them once, they've been well removed by now. I think I did some of the removing myself when I was getting myself noticed. Michael? Michael? Michael, are you in there? Michael, is it you? *** off! No more words, Michael. Just deeds. A good deed in a wicked world. I know you're in here somewhere. Michael! Michael Murray? It's my wife! It's my wife - It's my wife! - So I gather. You can't possibly fit under there. Michael, where are you? Are you in there? Michael, where are you? Oh - It's like a mantra. - Mantra? Mantra? Lt'll be more like bloody *** if she gets in here. Where are you? Are you in there? Michael? Are you in there? Michael, where are you? Are you in there? Well, she won't, will she? So that's that. Are you in there? Michael, where are you? Are you in there? Michael! Oh, God! Oh, God! The shower! Put the shower on! Put the shower on! She won't sound so bad. The television. Put the television on. And the radio. Michael, where are you? Are you in there? Michael, where are you? - Michael, where are you? - *** off! No, Maureen. I'm not there. Wrong again. No clothes have you got on. Only the empress. Now come here. And be that naughty little boy who knew the emperor was naked. Be my little boy. - I'm sick of waiting. - Me too. Gives me a headache. All right, I know you're itching for action. No doubt some of you will have seen one of these before. Oh, aye. Yeah. Me mother's chief superintendent. - Where did you get that? - Never you mind. Enough to say there was a crime committed on behalf of society and a couple of bobbies ended up in hospital. I like hearing stories about police brutality. Here's another story. Except this one's set in Russia. No, this is important. It's the best way of telling you what we're gonna be up to. It's about Stalin. Josef Stalin. *** hell, Macca. Don't look blank at me. I was thinking, I was thinking. Stalin. Josef Stalin. I were listening as well. Yeah, so, anyway. When Stalin came to power, Joey, he was one bad ***. Killed every *** in his path, even those that were in their own path. When Stalin was a young buck, he was one serious troublemaker. He was more than that. He was a terrorist. If he'd have been caught, his leaders at the time, people like Lenin and Trotsky, would have denied all knowledge, but secretly, they didn't mind at all. Do you understand? They might even have had a quiet meeting with him, said to him, "Stalin," although he wasn't actually called Stalin then. - He was called Koba. - So what? Who cares? Did you also know that Stalin means "man of steel" in Russian? No. I did not know that, Wally. - My name's not Wally. - It is now, Wally. All right, all right. All right. But the important thing is that from now on, we have to be like young Stalins. We're gonna be the means justifying the end. Now, come on. I'll illustrate the story for you. What a nice man. Pictures as well. Does this mean we're finally gonna kick heads or what? There's your first head. Now, listen. Don't open your mouths. Just do the business. Leave him unconscious. But leave him with this. And make certain that's with him. Oh, very good. Koba, man of steel. Here we go, here we go, here we go here we go, here we go, here we go Here we go, here we go Look at this. Just look at this. See the dosh he had on him? 60 notes, the black ***. He must have been a *** or something. And where were you, Wally? Did your *** go, did it? I sell newspapers on street corners. I hold placards and banners and disrupt meetings. I'm neither Lenin or Stalin. Look. We're all in this together, arsehole. No spectators. Nobody saying, "It wasn't me, Officer. I didn't do it. "Cos I was hiding in the van. Cos I'm a little brown-kecked coward. " That's enough. Calm down. He's no problem. Only to himself. Look at him. He's even got his own handkerchief. Hey. Let's go to a club in town, eh? - Fat Limousines. That's open all night. - What, dressed like this? They won't let us in. They wouldn't let us in if it was called Transits. Here we go, here we go, here we go Here we go, here we go, here we go - Look. I'm really busy. - Mind your back, please. Nurse. I was told. They told me my sister was here. I was told!