The Furry Hat Speaks Again
Stephen's hat is big and furry, therefore whatever he says while wearing it is now law. Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel HERE: ****** For more content from "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert", click HERE: ****** Watch full episodes of "The Late Show" HERE: ****** Download the Colbert App HERE: ****** Like "The Late Show" on Facebook HERE: ****** Follow "The Late Show" on Twitter HERE: ****** Follow "The Late Show" on Google HERE: ****** Watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert weeknights at 11:35 PM ET/10:35 PM CT. Only on CBS. Get the CBS app for iPhone & iPad! Click HERE: ****** Get new episodes of shows you love across devices the next day, stream live TV, and watch full seasons of CBS fan favorites anytime, anywhere with CBS All Access. Try it free! ******
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YOU KNOW, AS THE HOST OF A DAILY TELEVISION BROADCAST, I
KNOW THAT I'M IN A POSITION OF TREMENDOUS POWER.
I COULD STEP OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW, AND WITH A WAVE OF MY HAND, HAVE
DOZENS OF STRANGERS PULL OVER TO GIVE ME A RIDE IN THEIR FANCY
YELLOW CARS.
BUT I ALSO KNOW, AND I'M HUMBLE THIS WAY, I'M NOT AS POWERFUL AS
I COULD GO.
I MEAN, I'M NO GHENGHIS KHAN OR KATE MIDDLETON.
AND THESE BRUTAL DESPOTS HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON: A BIG FURRY
HAT!
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW THAT THIS HAT IS UPON MY HEAD,
I AM ENDOWED WITH UNQUESTIONABLE POWER!
THIS IS DUE TO MY HAT'S MAIN ATTRIBUTES: ITS BIGNESS AND ITS
FURRINESS.
ANY PROCLAMATIONS I MAKE WHILE WEARING IT ARE NOW AND FOREVER
LAW.
LET US BEGIN.
( LAUGHTER ) HENCEFORTH, IF YOU ARE IN COACH
AND YOU ARE DRESSED BETTER THAN SOMEONE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS,
YOU GET THEIR SEAT IN FIRST CLASS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ANY CHILD PICKED LAST AT
KICKBALL GETS TO KICK THE PICKER IN THE BALLS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ANY MODELS WHO BRAG IN A
MAGAZINE THAT THEY CAN EAT WHATEVER THEY WANT WILL BE
FORCED TO EAT THAT MAGAZINE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
IF YOU ARE GOTH AND SOMEONE CATCHES YOU SMILING, YOU HAVE TO
BE A CHEERLEADER FOR ONE FOOTBALL GAME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, IF A PREVIEW FOR A MOVIE LOOKS GOOD,
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THE SONG FROM THE TRAILER
MUST BE IN THE MOVIE!
FROM NOW ON, THE HORSE FROM THE SONG "A HORSE WITH NO NAME" IS
NAMED GARY THE HORSE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
CLOWNS MAY ONLY WATCH OTHER CLOWNS FOR ENTERTAINMENT, IF
THEY THINK CLOWNS ARE SO DAMN FUNNY.
( APPLAUSE )
ANY MIDDLE-AGED MAN DRIVING A SPORTS CAR MUST DISPLAY A BUMPER
STICKER THE EXACT LENGTH OF HIS ***.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS YEAR'S MOST POPULAR BOAT NAMES SHALL BE SWITCHED WITH
THIS YEAR'S MOST POPULAR BABY NAMES.
BOATS SHALL BE NAMED "CAITLYN" AND BABY GIRLS WILL BE NAMED
"EASY BREEZIN'."
CANDY CORN IS NOW LEGALLY CORN.
NOW THAT THEY HAVE MERGED, HARDEES AND CARLS, JR., SHALL BE
UNITED UNDER ONE NAME: "HARD CARL'S."
HENCEFORTH, THOSE WHO CORRECT YOU WHEN YOU SAY "FRANKENSTEIN,"
INSTEAD OF "FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER," SHALL HAVE BOLTS
INSERTED INTO THEIR NECK AND BE CHASED BY TORCH-WIELDING
VILLAGERS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PIZZA CHEESE MOUTH BURNS ARE AN
ACCEPTABLE REASON TO STAY HOME FROM WORK.
THE HAT HAS SPOKEN!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GINA RODRIGUEZ.
