Undateable S1E11 - English Transcript

1 Danny: Aah! Justin: Help! Ohh! It's 4:00 in the morning. What is up with that light? I know, and I was right in the middle of a dream where every woman on earth wants to have sex with me, and, yeah, I know it's totally weird that I dream how my life actually is, but that light woke me up. Yeah, well, I don't know what's weirder you know, that light or you without your shirt on. Seriously, you are pale. It's like somebody sprinkled a bunch of chest hair on a glass of milk. Aw, Baby Bird, you know, a whole bunch of things happen to your body when you become a man. You know, that's right around a corner for you. Pretty soon, you'll be able to take a shower without wearing any underpants. Why are we taking shots at each other? You see what our neighbor's doing to us - with his stupid light? - I know. We should really go take care of this, Vin Diesel style. Why are you so obsessed with Vin Diesel? I don't know. Maybe it's because he's got huge muscles and always takes care of his business Fast and Furious. Come on, man. Let's go drag our neighbor out of bed. I need you angry. No, I can't be angry, okay? I'm too exhausted. I'm too exhausted. Okay, good idea. You rest. You take it easy, and you just go to bed. You dream about being muscly and finally one day being able to please a girl, okay? Come on, take it easy. Go to bed. [Grunts] You angry now? Yeah, I'm super pissed! Let's go. Okay. Danny: All right, now. Here we go. Come on. Justin: Okay, we are going. Oh, oh, oh, oh "Undateable," starring Vin Diesel. That is not true. He could show up. You guys weren't kidding. My light is super bright. Thanks for inviting me over to see it. I appreciate it. Probably could have waited till morning. Well, unfortunately, we have no concept of time 'cause it feels like we're living on the surface of the sun. You got to admit that's a pretty powerful light. Yeah, I will admit it. That's the most powerful light there is. It's the Steven Seagal of lights. Uh, I mean, if it's the most powerful light, then it's the Vin Diesel of lights, okay? Vin Diesel's way more powerful than Steven Seagal. Whatever. Hey, bro. This is disappointing because we're neighbors, and you're obviously an extremely dumb person. That's cool. You got that on remote? Yeah, it's what is that? What are you d - Give me back my clicker. - No, I won't. - Give me back my clicker. - No, I won't give it back. - Give me back my clicker. - No, absolutely not. - What's this? What's this? - What the heck is that? - Give me that. - Damn it! - Give me that. - No. No! Give me my come on. Give me that. Give me my clicker! Give me my clicker! [Both grunting] Put it down! Stop it! We haven't even introduced ourselves, all right? I I'm I'm Justin, and this is Danny. I'm Kevin. My friends call me "Skat. " It's a free-form of jazz. [Scatting] I know exactly what you mean. [Scatting] [Both scatting] Hey, man, what are you doing? What are you doing, dude? I'm making small talk. Well, if your small talk is anything like your foreplay, then we'll both be here for hours, and you'll spend way too much time on his ***. Are you guys a married couple? [Chuckles] Excuse me? Yeah, I know a Bert-and-Ernie situation when I see one. Which one of you is the wife? You know what? I'm not gonna answer that question 'cause I think it might hurt my wife's feelings. Look. I need the light, okay? Let's just say I'm a small-business owner who grows and sells certain types of plants that attract a certain type of customer that I don't want sneaking up on me. Oh, my God, Danny. I think he's a *** salesman. All right, man, look. Just take it down, all right? We can't sleep. Why didn't you just say you couldn't sleep? Look, here's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna run home. I'm gonna get my moleskine notebook. It's where I keep a list of all the things [singsong voice] that I do not give a crap about. [Normal voice] All right? Light stays on. Enjoy your night. [Chuckles] Or is it daytime? I can't even tell right now. More over. So, this new neighbor who's torturing you guys is he cute? Les, he's a drug dealer. All I'm hearing is he's got a job. Here you go, sweetie. Uh, sorry, Sabrina, but is it possible to get a little less foam in my beer? I don't know. Do you think it would be possible for me to go back in time and tell myself not to date you? I was totally falling for you, and you broke my heart, Danny. O okay. You know what? Never mind. The foam's okay. Wow. That is a woman scorned. Maybe it's time we, uh, killed her with kindness. When I was 9, I killed my Guinea pig with kindness. One too many hugs. Well, I wonder whose fault this is. Maybe if somebody [High-pitched] Justin [normal voice] didn't, uh, hire my ex-girlfriend [high-pitched] Sabrina [High-pitched] Well, maybe if somebody else [normal voice] Danny [high-pitched] Didn't cheat on her like a [normal voice] *** [high-pitched] everything would be fine. [Normal voice] You don't know how side mouth works. Hey, Sabrina? Could we possibly get some more pretzels over here? Why don't you guys get up off your lazy *** and get them yourself? I think I'd just rather live without pretzels. We didn't do anything. Why does she hate us? I didn't really notice anything. That's usually how women treat me. Listen, sometimes, when a girl's really hurt by a guy, she ends up being pissed at his friends. Well, she's your friend. How do we get back on her good side? This is all Danny's fault. Yes! Thank you! Wait. What's Danny's fault? Everything? I know, right? - Yeah. - Shelly: Yeah. Danny's the worst. All right, I need you to get fired up, Baby Bird, all right? We need to go take down this neighbor, huh? [Scoffs] Do you really want to get in a huge fight with a neighbor? I used to live next to this old lady, and we had a little bit of a disagreement with some "noisy wind chimes. " Long story short, she smashed my wind chimes. Look, I don't know why you're so scared of this guy. You don't need to be. You got me, man. I got your back. Look, I have the inner strength of 10 men, okay? I don't know if you knew that, but that means that between the two of us, we have the strength of 9 1/2 men. Wait. Does that make me a negative man? You know what? It doesn't matter. I just look, I was joking when I said that we were married, but in a way, that's exactly what we are. We're nonsexual life partners. Danny, we can't be life partners without sex. What am I saying? Look, Baby Bird, man, I need you on this, so I'm gonna talk to you in your touchy-feely-guy language. I'm listening. For three months now, we've been roommates, but, uh, my heart wants more than that. What does your heart want, Danny? Justin Kearney, will you destroy our neighbor with me? - Yes. Yes. Yeah. A thousand times yes. - Yeah, man. All right, I say we get aggressive on this, all right? I don't know. I I think that should be our last resort. I feel like we should charm him first. I already called Kevin and told him to come by the place so we could work it out peacefully. I'm sorry. Well, it's okay because I kind of already went ahead with my idea, too. What did you do? I stole that idiot's damn light. No! What oh, God. Do you think he knows? [Pounding on window] Give me back my light! Uh He might. Gah. Danny and Justin are dead men! Why did he say my name? Um, because I I wrote a note, and I signed it "Danny and Justin. " Till death do us part, Baby Bird. I know you're in there! Get out of here. Go. I'll set a distraction. What is that? What is that? Hey! I see you rolling! [Grunting] I see you! [Pounding on window] Unlock this window! Ah, joke's on you there's no lock on the window! I shouldn't have said that! Go, go, go! I cannot believe you stole his light. Are you happy? Am I happy? I don't know. Oh, look there's a mirror. Uh, yep, still me. Thrilled. Look, Kevin's not gonna respond with reason, okay? Like most guys with a beard, he's a tool. Kevin has a beard, does he? Is it kind of like the beard Gerard Butler had in "300"? Is Kevin muscular? Brett, again, he's a drug dealer. A muscular drug dealer? All right, back off, ***. He's mine. You started a turf war, Danny, and I've seen "West Side Story. " I know what happens in turf wars. People sing, then they dance, then they die. I mean, we don't know this guy. I mean, what what what if he has a knife? My mother always said, if someone pulls out a knife, I should pull out a smile. I've been stabbed on several occasions. I have to go talk to Kevin before this escalates any further. Man man, we can't back out now, all right? He's not a scary guy. He's just a lame stoner. You need to trust me on this, all right? I don't tell you how to do your lame singing that everybody hates. That's because you have a terrible singing voice. Uh, really? Uh, no, I actually have an amazing singing voice. [Vocalizing] Look, I need to know are you still with me? All right, is our marriage still intact? Yeah, man. I'm with you to the end. Good, good, good, good, good [Laughter] Oh, cool it. He's here. [Chuckles] Uh, hey, Sabrina. Die. All right. Cool. Talk to you later. What, uh what are you guys laughing at? Uh, pl please don't take this the wrong way, but we have been saying some awful things about you. It seems to make her like us more. Also, we may or may not have been doing impressions of you. [American accent] Like you got to talk really fast and find what you're saying in the middle of what you're saying, and hopefully, everybody will understand. Also, you got to do flappy hands whenever you got to make a point. Okay, so, okay, Baby Bird? Okay. [Laughter] Oh, yeah, well, it doesn't even matter what you say, and that's obvious, so whatever. That's obvious. [All imitating indistinctly] What's up, bro? [Door closes] Wow. It's like you knew I needed a beer. [Sighs] I I thought you were at the bar. I was until I found out our friends are trying to get in on Sabrina's good side by talking crap about me and doing impressions that don't bother me at all, but You know, I got to tell you, Baby Bird it makes me appreciate your loyalty even more, huh? What why is my beer half done and taste like a Bob Marley album? Justin, thanks for having me oh. Looks like the husband is home. [Clears throat] Guess that makes me the other man. Okay, all right, yes, Kevin is here. Do you think you could just calm down? You know what? You're a betrayer! You are a betrayer! All right? This is not how you're supposed to act in a marriage! Oh oh, you're one to talk. Do you know that he comes to the bar every day never asks me how my day is. That's exactly what ended my marriage that and, uh, turning a little gay in prison. I can't believe you made a vegetable plate for our sworn enemy. You stole his light. He could have called the cops. He's not gonna call the cops. He's a criminal, all right? Whoa-ho-ho. Yes, I will. I'll do it. All I need is 72 hours to get my urine clean, and then boom, boom, boom I'm a doctor again. You were a doctor?! I handled this right. All right, Kevin and I sat down like adults, and we worked it out peacefully. He's not gonna have the light in our direction so that we could sleep. Problem solved. No, no, no, no, no, no. That was before Danny came blazing in here, getting all up in my lady catcher. Now I want an apology from him. - Oh, really? - Yeah. Well you're not gonna get an apology from me. And hold on let me download some other information for you. Steven Seagal's fat, and he's bad at karate. Your mouth just wrote a check that your body can't cash, bro. Hands up. Hands up. Hands up! [Yells indistinctly] - Hyah! - Hyah! - Hyah! Hyah! - Hyah! Hyah! - Hyah! - Hyah! Hyah! - Hyah! Hyah! - Hyah! Hyah! - Hyah! Hyah! - Hyah! Hyah! - Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! - Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! [Chanting indistinctly] Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! - Hyah! - Hyah! - Hyah! Hyah! - Hyah! - Karate! Karate! - Karate! Karate! - Karate! - All righty! Hyah! Aah! Aah! Aah! [Both grunting, shouting] - Hyah! Unh! - Hyah! Yeah! - Unh! Unh! - Yeah! Yeah! - Oh! Aah! - Hyah! Hyah! [Sighs forcefully] Hyah! - Hyah! - Aah! - Aah! - Oh! - Oh! - Hyah! Aah. Hyah! [Sighs] All right. All right. All right. Hey! Now, you two obviously don't know anything about karate. Can we just stop this? Okay, fine. [Sighs] [Grunts] Arigato. [Grunts] Soba noodles. I'm still not apologizing. Fine. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. Since you two are so tight, I'm gonna let Justin apologize for you. Well, you know what? He's never gonna do that because we're a team. - Kevin. - Hey, Baby Bird, no. - What are you doing? - Kevin! On behalf of Danny, I want to apologize. [Sighs] I'm sorry for the way that he acted. Thank you. I'm just gonna grab my light now, and I'm gonna get out of here. [Rattling] - [Door opens] - You need help? I got it! [Door closes] [Light clatters] I still got it! That is when Kevin and Danny had the world's weirdest karate fight. You know what a mugger recently told me? Being good at video-game karate does not make you good at regular karate. - [Door opens] - That lady took my wallet and my dignity. Hey. The gang's all here. You making fun of me, or what? [Scoffs] God. Get over yourself, Danny. Not everything is about you. Hey, you guys, you know what I like about Sabrina? She never talks crap behind my back. She always says it right to my face. Thanks, Sabrina. Aww. No one will ever love you. Danny, I don't know why you're making such a big deal about a light. It was never about the light. It was always about friendship. Now, you guys all know that I have your back, all right? Well, we seemed to forget about that when we were all busy making fun of Danny and his flappy hands just to get in good with Sabrina. And, Brett, really? I mean, I feel like if it wasn't for me pushing you to ask guys out, then you'd still be dating women that look like offensive linemen because that's your type for some reason. I did like them large and in charge. And the two of you you guys can't even look at me. It's like I can see the weight of the guilt just pressing down on your shoulders. It's like I'm giving myself a piggyback ride. And, Leslie, really, my sister, my own flesh and blood? Well, I got a question for you. Who was the man to vow never to tell anybody that the day you were born, you had a thick, black coat of hair covering your whole body like a baby monkey? Me. And I never told anybody, and I never will. Okay, it's very common, all right? There's a medical term for it. Is the term "horrifying"? And that just leaves Justin, my sweet, beautiful, voluptuous wife. It's like you don't even know what it means to be in a fake marriage with a guy-friend roommate. I admit that I flew off the handle about that light thing, but that doesn't matter. You should have had my back no matter what. I would never sell you out for a stranger because you know why? I don't share a toothbrush with that man. I share a toothbrush with you. And I can tell by your reaction that you had no idea that that was going on, but I'll tell you right now that it's been happening for about a week, and it's been making me feel very close to you. Now, in spite of this epic betrayal, I'm just gonna tell you guys I love you and, uh, you can count on me Even though I can't count on you. [Door opens] What? You're still a little furry. Get inside my belly 'cause that's where you [Knock on door] Hey, you mind if we, uh, come in for a second and talk? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's the broad? I'm his muscle, okay? So play nice, or I will mess you up. Aah! Aah, aah! I had no idea Justin's bodyguard would be so enchanting. [Door closes] So, um, heard you were a doctor. Yeah, a disgraced doctor. Okay, but, hypothetically, I could still introduce you as a doctor. Okay, you are done. Moving on, 'cause that's not the point of this. Listen. Kevin. Danny's my best friend, and despite our amazing scat chemistry, um [Scatting] Ohh. What? [Both scatting] Okay, stop. Stop. That's not why I'm here, okay? Please. [Sighs] Look, I should have never given you that light back because I'm on Danny's side, and I always will be Till death do us part. Why the hell are you telling me this? Why don't you tell him? [Chuckles] I already did tell him. Actually, this whole thing was just a distraction so that him and the guys could, uh, steal your light again. Danny: We got it! Fire it up, guys! Huh?! What do I look like in there? Just an amazing, godlike creature? All right, well, I think that's about it. Okay. Well, Kevin, we'll see you later. Have a good night. Or is it day? You know, I can't even tell over here. [Chuckles] Shelly: I got a rake! - [Door closes] - Let's do Iwo Jima! Shelly, did you eat all of my magic brownie? [Laughing] Yes, I did. [Both laughing]