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What do you mean,
forfeit?
My team doesn't know
the meaning
of the word forfeit.
Look, High School Quiz Show
has been on the air
for 36 years.
We are an institution.
We've always had
three players per team.
We're not about
to change that now.
But the bus broke down.
It's not their fault
that the bus broke down.
Well, then how did she get
here if the bus broke down?
Well, she was
driven over by
Hey, Mr. Feeny.
Look, we're smart.
Okay, we forfeit.
Boys, where do you
go to high school?
Forfeit!
I said we forfeit!
We go to, um
Hey, Cory,
who's that guy?
What, the head in the hallway?
Yeah.
That's John Adams' head.
We go to
John Adamshead
High School.
Which is why we forfeit,
you see.
(BUZZING)
Let's get them
into makeup.
(BUZZING)
Oh, no.
For the love of God, no.
And now back to
High School Quiz Show
with your host
Arthur Kandib.
Thank you, Mr. Prong.
All right, teams,
for one point,
"The region known
as the Fertile Crescent lies
between which two rivers?"
Yes, Ms. Lawrence
for John Adams.
He said "fertile."
(BOTH SNICKERING)
The answer is the Tigris
and the Euphrates.
Yeah, nice try, Topanga.
Idiot.
That is correct.
All right!
Yeah. You suck!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
And with the score.
Hamilton High, 20,
and John Adams High, 1
We will not
be denied!
We mercifully take a break
for these few kind words
from our good sponsors
at the world of knowledge.
And we're off.
Will you look
at that?
If you'll allow me
to go on camera,
I will apologize
to your audience.
What are you,
kidding?
I've never seen
the audience
into the show like this
as long as
I've worked here.
I don't understand.
Oh, I think I do.
See, for the past
36 years,
the teams have been
composed of bookish
academic types.
See, but your team
They have a certain
Educational deficiency?
No, but I was going
to say they're cute.
They're
fun to watch.
Excuse me. Hi,
I'm Brett McInerny
with Oahu Beach
Face Saver Pads.
Oh, hi, I think
you're in the wrong studio.
Uh, no. I think I am
in the right studio.
John Adams rocks!
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
You know, I like what you
are doing with your show.
If you're going
to keep it this way,
I think that
Oahu Beach Face Savers
may spend
some advertising money.
Got it.
Excuse me.
Thirty seconds.
Okay, look,
I have worked very hard
to be on this team,
you two just happen
to be here.
So I would really
appreciate it if you would
stop pushing the buzzer
just because
you like the sound.
Okay, fine,
Miss Smarty-Pants,
if you feel that
you can do better than us,
then the buzzer is yours.
(BUZZING)
Sorry. Last time.
Ten seconds.
Here are the questions.
No, I already have them.
No, the new questions.
In three, two, one.
And we're back
with my favorite part
of the program,
"The fast-paced,
electrically-charged,
lightning round
"where the questions
are worth"
(FANFARE)
"Two points."
"And the category
"Whazzup?"
(INAUDIBLE)
"What does the 'X'
in X-Men stand for?"
(TIMER BEEPING)
(INAUDIBLE)
(WHISTLING)
Oh, go ahead.
The "X' in X-Men
stands for
the mysterious
gene factor,
which manifests itself
as a mutant ability,
such as
the healing factor
of Wolverine
or the ability
to manipulate
the weather in Storm.
Dr. Matthews.
My esteemed colleague
is correct.
Although he overlooks
the amusing coincidence
of the "X" in X-Men
also standing for
Professor Charles Xavier,
the founder of the X-Men
and the most powerful
mutant mind on the planet.
"Most powerful
mutant mind
on the planet."
Yes, that's exactly
what I have.
Mom, Dad,
you are now looking
at the new champion
of High School Quiz.
I thought you and Shawn
just went down
to support Topanga?
We did,
but we made it
on the team.
I hope you guys
will come down
next time we're on.
Finally someone
understands
my particular genius.
No, whoa,
wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What do you mean
you're champion
of the High School Quiz?
Don't they ask really
tough questions?
Ha, maybe for you.
Alan, I used to watch
High School Quiz Show
when I was a kid.
I remember
all the contestants
were really smart.
Are you asking me
why Cory's on this show?
Yeah.
George?
We live in a random
and chaotic universe.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
MILTON:
It's Knowledge Fever
with the Knowledge Fever
Brain Cell dancers,
your humble announcer,
Milton Prong
and your host,
Sweet Artie "K."
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Okay, then.
Welcome to the show
that makes learning
hip, hot, and happening.
Oahu Beach Face Savers
presents
Knowledge Fever.
Our returning champions
are in the house,
so let's give it up for
John Adams High School.
(CROWD CHEERING)
And the challengers,
three smart kids
from some other school.
(CROWD BOOING)
(SHOUTING)
And now, let's get down
with the first round,
and the category
Oh, what a surprise!
"The lifeguards
of Baywatch."
(BUZZING)
I haven't
Pamela Anderson
plays sexy lifeguard
C.J. Parker.
(ALARM RINGING)
Sexy lifeguard C.J. Parker
is correct
for one million points.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
And with the score
John Adams High School,
one million.
And their
future employers zero.
Let's pause for a few words
from our sponsor
because that's
the way the world works.
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
Covered with spots,
you're lookin' real bad
You've tried some creams,
but you think you've been had
Girls only kiss you
Life is the pits
You could be the mac
If you didn't have zits
Oahu
And my mom said I watch
too much television.
Yeah, well,
we're showing them.
Hey, guys,
what are we showing them?
I mean, we're answering
questions about TV
and comic book trivia.
Does it really make us
feel intelligent?
It is why we are the
returning champions.
Yeah. Let's get
our priorities straight.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
And we're back
with round two.
So, between me and you,
these John Adams kids,
they're never
going to lose, right?
(BUZZER BUZZING)
Ren's the dog,
Stimpy's the cat,
Rocko's a wallaby.
And for the bonus points,
Honker Burger.
Is correct
for three million points
and the game.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
And we'll be right back
after this word from the man.
I don't understand
what kind of audience
they're trying to impress
with this show.
Rocko's a wallaby.
It's the stuff
I don't know.
Now I get it.
Cory.
Cory, just to add
a little drama,
before you answer,
do you think you
could mop your brow
and scrunch up
your face
like you're not sure
of the answer?
Yes. Like this?
Perfect.
Okay. Shawn,
how about
you flashing some of
those thoughtful,
pouty, sexy lips?
Thoughtful,
pouty, sexy lips?
What sense
does that make?
I understand exactly.
She means this.
Yeah. Okay.
And, Topanga,
let's see, let me see you
tousle your hair
and just flirt
with that camera
a little.
May I just say
that I'm not
really comfortable
with all of this.
I mean, before
we had questions that
required real knowledge,
and, sure,
they were tough,
but they made us think.
And I thought that
was the whole point
of the show.
Well, the point of the show
is to attract an audience.
I suggest you look
at your audience.
It's good to be queen.
So, Gutenberg invented
the printing press
making the written word
available to the masses.
For the first time
in history,
the common man had access
to the same information
that used to be available
only to the privileged few.
And who would you
like me to make this
out to, my darling?
Gentlemen!
Might I interrupt
your press junket?
There's
some learning
going on here.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Maybe you feel
it's important to learn
that Gutenberg invented
the printing press,
but pop culture
and these pouty lips
have made me a star.
I'm going to try
and put this
as kindly as possible.
The show has turned
into a circus,
and you three are
driving the tiny car.
Look, Mr. Feeny,
I mean,
I'm proud that I knew
that Krusty the Clown
was the son of a rabbi.
I answered a real
question, Mr. Feeny,
about the Tigris
and the Euphrates.
Miss Lawrence,
I would never deny you
your moment in the sun,
but Knowledge Fever
no longer has much to do
with the kind of knowledge
I would want you to absorb.
Mr. Feeny, look,
the show's proving
that we're absorbing
the right type
of knowledge, right?
I mean, that's why
we're the champions.
Hold it, hold it.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Champions of what,
Mr. Matthews?
Of a generation whose verbal
and mathematical skills
have sunk so low,
when you have the highest
level of technology
at your fingertips?
Gutenberg's generation
thirsted for a new book
every six months.
Your generation
gets a new web page
every six seconds.
And how do you use
this technology?
To beat King Koopa
and save the Princess.
Shame on you.
You deserve what you get.
(BELL RINGS)
Sit down!
Stay where you are.
For the first time,
I choose
to walk out on you.
MILTON: Oahu Beach
Face Saver Pads presents,
Huh! That's Cool!
With the Oahu Beach dancers,
yours truly Milton Prong
and your stern
but groovy mistress Kiki.
Let's hear it for Kiki.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Aloha!
First, our challengers.
Straight-A averages,
but not much of a tan.
Let them know
how you feel about them
from right here in Philly,
it's Einstein Academy.
(AUDIENCE BOOING)
And now our
returning champions.
Let's have
an Oahu Beach welcome
for Lips, Hair,
and Brainiac-14.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Here are the questions
for round one.
Oh, thank you,
big kahuna.
Johnny Adams, "The Earth
has one natural satellite.
"It's called the moon.
"A single lunar phase
takes 28 days to complete
"and involves phases
such as the waning gibbous
and the waxing gibbous."
For 800 million points,
the moon,
where is it?
(INAUDIBLE)
Yeah! (LAUGHS)
Is right for
Albert Einstein,
that same moon,
which John John Adams
so precisely located
as to its exact position
in the universe,
(LAUGHS)
that same moon,
what does it weigh?
(INAUDIBLE)
The exact weight of the moon
is 81 quintillion tons.
I'm sure it is.
However, it's not
exactly the answer
we're looking for.
John Adams?
It doesn't
weigh anything
'cause, well, if it did,
it would fall on us.
Is right! Yeah!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
They were right,
and you were wrong,
which can only mean
one thing
Audience?
ALL: Samoans!
(SAMOANS HOOTING)
Huh! Huh!
Huh! That's Cool!
Huh! That's Cool!
will be right back.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Huh! Huh!
Huh! That's Cool!
Huh! Huh!
Huh! That's Cool!
Huh! Huh!
Huh! That's Cool!
Huh! Huh!
Huh! That's Cool!
And we're out.
Hey, kids,
this is Brett McInerny.
He's our sponsor.
He has some great news.
You know, because
of your commitment
to education,
this show now reaches
four times as many kids
as it used to.
That's right,
which means that
Huh! That's Cool!
is going to need
even more of
a commitment from you.
Oh, well, that's great.
What do we have to do?
Just miss
a couple days of school.
How many days?
Six weeks.
Huh, that's cool.
Yeah, we're going to go
on location in Oahu.
Columbus, Oahu?
No.
I don't think
I can go.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, excuse me?
Six weeks from school?
We have finals
coming up.
My grades have been
suffering as it is.
Yeah, Miss Kellybacker.
You know, we're having
fun and everything,
but do you think
we could think about it
if that's okay?
Oh, yeah, you should
definitely think about it.
But I also want
you to think about
how you have become
scholastic role models for
millions of kids out there.
So, let's get
in the bathing suits,
and let's get ready
for round two, huh?
(SOFTLY) Okay.
Mr. Feeny.
Mr. Brainiac.
I suppose
it's too much to hope
that you've prepared
for tomorrow's class.
Gutenberg invented
his printing press
in 1450
and made knowledge available
to the mass culture
who could now communicate
about shared
literary experiences.
Hmm.
Please don't tell anyone
I know that.
And Cory and Shawn and I
have discussed it,
and we think you should
ask us some intelligent
questions, too.
(LAUGHS) Oh, why?
Whatever for?
So there could be
some educational value
on the show.
Like there
used to be.
Okay. Darling, here's
some educational value.
See, no one watched the show
when we asked
intelligent questions.
Now they watch the show,
so I think we're doing
the right thing, okay?
Yeah, but don't you think
we should do a smart show
if so many kids watch?
This is an outrageous
star demand.
Is this the thanks I get
for making you famous?
Actually,
nobody recognizes me
without my brain head.
So, all three of you
feel like this?
Shawn?
Shawn, come on.
You're
a good-looking guy.
Who cares what kind
of questions we ask
or what you know
as long as
you come off looking cute,
popular, and you win?
I'll have to
think about that.
Okay. You do that.
In any case,
we were prepared
for this.
What do you think
she meant by that?
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's hot. It's steamy.
It's Oahu Beach.
And now, here's the woman
that put the "O" in Oahu.
Here's Kiki!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Whoo! Alo-ha!
Let's have a Kiki- wiki welcome
for our returning champions,
Hair, Lips,
and Brainiac-14.
They're not going
to be any trouble,
are they?
I've already
taken care of it.
And now, some very
special challengers
from Malibu, California.
What?
Here's Viper Jones,
Surfer Girl,
and Moondoggie.
(SURF MUSIC PLAYING)
Uh-oh.
Well, this is
too, too dramatic.
Here we are
with one final question
and the score is tied
at one million
trillion points each.
And the question
goes to
Lips.
You care who wins?
(SCOFFS) Good-looking kids
versus good-looking kids.
This is good TV.
Okay, Lips, answer correctly
and you win again.
Blow it
and Malibu becomes
the new champions
and get a trillion
million points.
So, for
the whole enchilada.
Who invented
the printing press
and made the written word
available to the masses
for the first time
in history?
(DRUMS BEATING)
We need an answer, Lips.
(BELL RINGS)
Time's up, lips.
So what's it going to be?
I don't know.
I don't really know
anything.
I'm just cute
and fun to watch.
Miss Lawrence.
Mr. Matthews,
Mr. Hunter,
you're early
for my class.
Why are you early
for my class?
Mr. Hunter.
Johann Gutenberg.
Gutenberg invented
the printing press in 1450.
Yes, I believe
I taught you that.
Mr. Matthews.
Can you teach us
something else?
It's too bad
we lost.
Hey, at least we got this
lovely home version
of the show.
Wait a second.
Where are the dancers?
Oh, they couldn't get them
into the box, honey.
Okay, I'll be Kiki.
Alo-ha!
Okay, for a zillion points,
Milk, where does
it come from?
(WHISPERING)
Cows?
Is right!
But not the answer
we were looking for.
Boys.
A carton.
More specific.
A milk carton.
Ding, ding,
ding, ding!
Yeah, kids win,
parents lose.
You know what
that means.
ALL: Samoans!
Samoans.
(SAMOANS CHANTING)
Boy, Boy, Boy Meets World
Boy, Boy, Boy Meets World
Boy, Boy, Boy Meets World,
Boy
