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SOUND OF TRUDGING FEET "Don't go for a walk," he says, "Come for a ride"! She was going lovely! The trouble with lovely is it's hard work! Is there any petrol in it!? I'm not a motorised cretin! Of course there's petrol in it! Well, could you use a bit, instead of relying on being pushed!? I tell you, she was going lovely! It's very progressive of you to try to conserve fuel, but you can't go on forever relying on being pushed! All that's needed is a minor adjustment.
Well, when you've had it, could you do something about the CAR (?) Where do you get hard skin from? You'll probably have to go to London.
No-one sells it round here.
I'm serious! I've got hard skin! You've got THICK skin, I'll grant you that.
Listen, Margaret, I've got hard skin ON ME FEET.
You're telling us you've not got petal-soft skin - are we supposed to be surprised (?) I was surprised.
I noticed it last night.
The way you were drinking last night, I'm surprised you noticed ANYTHING.
Trouble is, when we persuade thee to buy a round, tha starts thinking everybody's drinking too much! It makes you glad you keep a diary.
I'll be able to go home now and make a note.
Then, in years to come, when we're wondering about what we used to do, we'll be able to see that on nice days we used to come here and talk about feet(!) It's not nice, hard skin.
It makes these nasty, painful old cracks.
I thought that was Nora Batty.
You can come out now.
CHORUS OF APPROVAL She's ready .
.
for another push.
CHORUS OF DISAPPROVAL I could get a bellyful of this! I don't likespeaking harshly about my brother-in-law but the man's a mechanical idiot! I don't hold that against him.
I just wish he'd travel by bus! I can't understand it! She's been running lovely! AGONISED MOANS AND GRUNTS OF EFFORT That's young Mottram.
HE'LL be going our way.
He won't give us a lift! Not while he's towing that damn thing! Not if we ASK him But if we hook the car on behind, he probably won't notice, will he? Sounds fair enough to me.
It doesn't seem right, somehow No, it's not RIGHT Come on! How do we stop him if we have to? Just blow the horn and shout - not a major technical problem (!) MUSIC BLARING IN HEADPHONES Stop him, man, stop him! I'm trying to stop him! PEEP!! YELLING AND HORN BLARING Get this damn thing inside before the neighbours see it! Oh, Edie! And I won't heve you bringing Seymour beck in this condition! Come in, all of you! You're not fit to be seen outside Oh, I don't know, though! I'll pass some water out.
It'll do more good in the fresh air.
Oh, our Seymour! I've never seen you looking so Heavy Industrial! I'd rather not talk about it, Edie.
Well, it's heart-warming for me that in your moments of need you turn to your sister.
There's always a welcome here for the family.
Where's that water OUT!! She's no better at Hamilton Street! Her with the big? That's her.
She crams it into that canary yellow jogging suit.
She looks like King Kong with a banana! They say he only comes home once a month.
Are they separating? She won't say.
You know how secretive she is.
She had that bedroom suite delivered after dark.
I STILL don't know what colour it is! What's she got to hide? Not a lot, I bet, in that jogging suit(!) She's no better than anybody else.
She came third from bottom at school.
I thought, "Yes, lady, it's no good you being secretive with me.
I know where you came in Scripture!" - Have you nothing firmer than this? - Just the counter(!) Sshhh! Have a poke at that! Oh, get away, you dozy devil ! What's he doing!? Thrusting his leg at you! He's ALWAYS doing that! You can get clever at anything - even stupidity.
Good morning, ladies.
Serve them first.
Aye! We'd be here all day waiting for thee (!) OH! Come on! Stop annoying the ladies! HE'S full of flannel.
If they're not objectionable, they're full of flannel.
Why don't we go to the chemist's? The worst we could find there is someone with something contagious.
We don't have to go to the chemist! Charlie has a medical section.
He's bound to have something for hard skin.
Definitely.
The modern grocer has an obligation to have a medical section.
One shelf and half a dozen bottles?! Oh, there's tubes.
Tubes I've got things in tubes.
That's very high-tech, Charlie (!) And there's a jar of linament! It's hardly the Mayo Clinic (!) I'm a grocer! Am I supposed to carry a fully-equipped operating theatre!? It'd have to be in better condition than these parsnips! Madam, are you buying or just poking? How much is it to poke!? It should be twice as much as buying, the way you two do it! If you've good stuff, you shouldn't be ashamed to let someone poke it.
My feeling exactly! Put that leg away! You need all the hard skin you've got! Who wants to handle the legs of someone who's here for medical purposes!? What is he after, anyway? Just something for his hard skin.
On me FEET! Oh, not a brain replacement(?) Oh, tha's got a wicked tongue, Ivy.
I could really go for thee if I wasn't spoken for by that lovely little brussel sprout there! Hey! OOOHHH ! GROANS WITH PAIN No, I've nothing for hard skin.
LOUDLY: And if I had, I'd need it all for me vegetables! What do you want hard skin for? I want to get rid of it, you great twallop! Oh When you're caught between Nora and Ivy, which way do you panic? I felt the same about parents.
We should have gone to the chemist.
You don't want a chemist You wantold Betsy Trumfleet! TOGETHER: Old Betsy Trumfleet!? I thought she was strictly spells for young lovers and lucky charms.
I hear she's great on warts including the one she married! Nerves of steel ! She's great at hard skin is Old Betsy.
Aye, on her face (!) Oh! You better not let HER hear you! I'm not frightened of any Old Betsy Trumfleet! We're notREALLY scared of Old Betsy Trumfleet, are we? OF COURSE we're not scared of her! I'm an educated man and you're Well, you're not scared of Old Betsy Trumfleet.
That's the fastest anyone's ever been through MY qualifications! The point is, if she's going to do him any good, we must make sure he BELIEVES in Old Betsy Trumfleet.
We'll use psychology.
I used to run an entire school on it.
Well, it has its limitations when the roof leaks.
True.
I've been thinking.
Well, you've been to the right place for it (!) That's true, Norm - just thee, a tiled wall and all that graffitititi.
What have you been thinking? About whether there's anything to this Betsy Trumfleet lark.
Of course there's something to it! She's one of Nature's healers.
How does she do it? I can't explain scientifically, but she's a healer like her mother was before her.
What happened to HER? She died.
SHE didn't know much about it! You can't win them all.
She needn't have lost by THAT margin! She has a good record with other people.
For hard skin? For ANY sort of skin.
I wonder if Fred Astaire ever had corns? I mean, Cary Grant, did he ever have warts? There seems to be some cosmic pattern.
Some people seem ideally suited for warts.
I'm thinking of old Amos Blakely.
He wore his warts as if they were inevitable.
Sorry I'm surprised at thee two, believing in Old Betsy Trumfleet.
Of course we believe in her(!) If I were to go to her - and I'm not saying I AM going - but if I were, what would she do? She'd borrow a *** for a start.
She'd give you some jelly or something.
With custard? HERBAL jelly! She specialises in herbs.
And YOU'D be the biggest herb she's ever specialised in! Watch it! Only joking.
You'll be OK.
We'll come with you.
Erdon't you think we should wait for a full moon or something? Be quiet! He's nervous enough! Aye! Let's wait for a full moon! Psychology, that's all it is.
If we can persuade him that she'll do him good, she'll DO him good.
We've got to do something about his walk.
He looks like he belongs to a man with a barrel organ! Does she have a pointed hat? Oh, don't YOU start! She's just an ordinary woman In a pointed hat? Come on, man! She won't bite you.
Noshe keeps a big black cat for things like that.
She does not! That's a lot of superstitious nonsense! I thought you'd be pleased.
This is not on the NHS, you know.
I've arranged for you to go private.
And do everything she tells you or she'll turn you into a frog.
Pay no attention! The whole process will be entirely painless.
(For US, anyway.
) I'm not going in there alone.
You've got to come in with me.
I'll be with you all the way.
Now, you heard that.
He'll be with you all the way.
It's only a cat.
Lots of people have cats.
She must be good, living in such style(!) Oh, people like her don't do it for the money.
They don't do it for house repairs! They live like this because they like to get close to the earth.
That roof's getting closer every minute! What keeps it up!? Magic? Pack it in, the pair of you! But she has a black cat! HUNDREDS OF PEOPLEhave them.
PIG GRUNTS I'll come back some other time What's wrong with now!? Look at it! It's not even hygienic! Oh! Look who's talking! By 'eck! She's 'orrible! It's true! She's really horrible! That's a fella, you idiots! Good day, sir.
Could we speak to Betsy? You won HIM over(!) He was probably once a handsome prince, just passing on a white horse.
Whaddya want!? I can't stand lady doctors! Sit down! I feel like a two-year-old! We haven't got any! You'll have chicken and chips like anyone else! You'll have to excuse him, Ivy.
Excuse him!? I'll BRUISE him if he doesn't sit down! An hour ago, he was almost crippled and now look at him.
It's great! Old Betsy filled my wellies full of herbert jelly.
I can feel it doing me good.
I bet I could go out there and dance.
She's put a spell on his feet.
He's going to go through life with dancing feet.
Anybody want a dance? OWW! WILL YOU SIT DOWN! It's true, Ivy.
If tha's got any hard skin, tha HEY! That's not YOUR business! Take their order, Mrs Batty, please, and keep them sitting down.
I'm taking the orders on paper now, like a proper waitress.
Paperwork everywhere nowadays.
I said, "Why can't I just remember them?" I've a memory like an elephant.
With stockings to match! Your orders, PLEASE! Just three teas.
We'll have our meal later, at the church social.
Old Betsy Trumfleet AND the church social! That's what I call covering your bets.
YOU'RE not going to the church social! Yes, AND the church service.
Oh-oh! Can't I just go to the social? It's only once a year.
It won't hurt you.
But I might become religious.
I'm too young to become religious.
There's no danger of YOU becoming religious! I always feel guilty when I go to church.
I'm not surprised! I haven't DONE anything, I just feel guilty.
It'll do you good! Can't I wait till I've done something, then I can go and REALLY feel guilty! If you're going to the social, you have to go to the service first.
Are YOU going? Of course! I do the catering for the social.
Good job you don't do the catering for the mental home(!) THREE TEAS! No, no, let twinkle-toes get them! Watch this BOOTS SQUELCH My God, his jelly's melted! I better take me wellies off! OH, NO, YOU DON'T! Ivy! OUT! And don't come in here again with your wellies full of gunge! It were for medical purposes! Oh! BOOT SQUELCH Can't you keep them quiet!? I'm trying, I'm trying! She's turned his feet into frogs! SQUELCH! You'll have to clean them out.
Oh, they're great now.
They're the easiest they've been all week.
Listen SQUELCH ! SQUELCH ! # At the sign of triumph, # Satan's legions flee; SQUELCH ! # On then, Christian soldiers, SQUELCH ! SQUELCH ! # On to victory! SQUELCH ! # Hell's foundations quiver SQUELCH ! SQUELCH ! # At the sound of praise; SQUELCH ! SQUELCH ! # Brothers, lift your voices SQUELCH ! SQUELCH ! SQUELCH ! # Loud your anthems raise # Onward, Christian soldiers, SQUELCH ! SQUELCH ! SQUELCH ! # Marching as to war, SQUELCH ! SQUELCH ! SQUELCH ! # With the Cross of Jesus, # GOING O-ON to war # # Going on before # What's he doing in that!? Tha's in for a surprise, lass! Save a dance for me.
Oh, SIT DOWN ! If that's their idea of value at the supermarket, I'll stick with Cash and Carry! Ahh! You can't start yet! Why not, Norm!? Don't ask me.
I've never got to the bottom of religion.
Before we begin, as is our custom, would you all look under your plates for your numbers.
EXCITED MURMURS VICAR: Jolly good.
I now ask Number62 to step forward and receive our little gift.
It's ME! Yippee! Ha-ha-ha! FIRE!!! BBC 1988
