Frenemies

So here's what you missed on Glee: Rachel's got the lead in Funny Girl on Broadway, and Santana doesn't know what she wants to do. Bad Yeast goes scat with Yeast-i-stat. The New Directions! are getting ready for college-- Artie's going to film school in Brooklyn and Blaine auditioned for NYADA. Kurt formed a band, but he's afraid Starchild's trying to steal the spotlight. Which is easy when you dress like a glam rock Ebenezer Scrooge. Thank you for your time, Starchild, but it's not a good fit. And that's what you missed on Glee. ¿Perdón? ¿Perdón? Señorita. Esos huevos no esta caliente. Excuse me? Oh, you speak English. I thought you were Mexican. Well, I didn't know there were Mexicans in Ohio. These eggs are cold. I need new ones. (sizzling) There's steam coming off of them. I happen to know that eggs carry salmonella and I like them cooked extra hot to kill any parasites. Rápido, por favor. Okay, I was certain that you were going to go Lima Heights Adjacent and just throw those eggs on that lady's face just now. No. I need this job. I'm saving up to buy a noose to hang myself with. Hey. Wait, what's going on? Talk to me. It's not what I expected, you know? I'm awesome. I thought I'd come here and everyone would see that, too. Wait, what do you mean? You got a national commercial within, like, a month of being here. Yes, and now everywhere I go, I am known as the girl with the raging yeast infection. The other day some customers made me take their toast back because looking at me made them lose their appetite for any bread products. I'm sorry I'm complaining. I'm fine. No, you're not. Look, it's okay to complain to me, It means we're friends. I just have this weird guilt trip thing about being friends with you, because I was so awful to you in high school. Quinn and Brit hated you, too, and that's mostly just because you sucked so bad and you walked with that weird "feet pointing out" thing. I made Quinn look like the boss, but I was really running the "Hate on Rachel" parade. It's fine, okay? I forgive you, and you just have to forgive yourself. High school's over and it's just me, you and Kurt here now. Yes, and out of all three of us, I am crapping the bed the hardest. I may be on top right now, but one day it'll be you. You know, what you need right now is some good old pampering. Better. I'm gonna be on the cover of New York magazine. (squeals) Oh, my God, that's awesome. I'm totally pretending not to be jealous. No, I'm just kidding, that's really cool. Well, it's just something that the publicist for the show set up to, like, introduce me to the world and I just, I feel like this is my moment where I've really arrived. I'm really, really happy for you. But what does this have to do with me being pampered? Okay, so there's gonna be models at the shoot and I think I have enough juice to ask if you can be one of them. And you can get, like, get your hair done and your nails and your makeup and there's all these free clothes. Are you in? (bell dings) Yay. Right after I spit... in these eggs. Hey, listen. I really hope that I can be as cool as you when the roles are reversed. You're a really good friend. (school bell rings) I'm really proud of us. 'Cause even after you and I broke up, we were able to stay friends and continue our tradition of Tuesday lunch together. It's also a good way to avoid the cafeteria on Taco Tuesdays when they use Grade "D" prison meat that can legally contain up to 5% insect larvae. Still. I'm gonna miss this next year when you're at Brown and I'm at film school in Brooklyn. I got wait-listed at Brown. You know how many students make it off the wait list? Two percent. The only other schools I applied to were Ohio State and that dumb vet school. I really wanted to get out of this place, you know? Expand my horizons. I don't think that's in the cards for me now. Well, listen. We have, what, a couple more Tuesdays at McKinley? Let's make them count. From now until graduation, Tuesday lunch is about music that'll cheer you up because the only thing you'll be doing next year is knitting scarves for those chilly Ivy League winters. That's a really flimsy segue, Artie. (Kenny Loggins' & Steve Nicks' "Whenever I Call You Friend" begins) ♪ Whenever I call you friend ♪ ♪ I begin to think I understand ♪ ♪ Anywhere we are ♪ ♪ You and I have always been ♪ ♪ Forever and ever ♪ BOTH: ♪ I see myself within your eyes ♪ ♪ And that's all I need to show me why ♪ ♪ Everything I do always takes me home to you ♪ ♪ Forever and ever ♪ ♪ Now I know my life has given me ♪ ♪ More than memories ♪ ♪ Day by day ♪ ♪ We can see ♪ ♪ In every moment there's a reason to carry on ♪ ♪ Sweet love showin' us a heavenly light ♪ ♪ I've never seen such a beautiful sight ♪ ♪ Sweet love flowin' almost every night ♪ ♪ I know forever we'll be doin' it ♪ ♪ Sweet love showin' us a heavenly light ♪ ♪ Never seen such a beautiful sight ♪ ♪ Sweet love flowin' almost every night ♪ ♪ I know forever we'll be doin' it, doin' it, doin' it ♪ ♪ Sweet love ♪ ♪ Sweet love ♪ ♪ Source of light in my life ♪ ♪ Everything I do brings it back to you ♪ ♪ Sweet love ♪ ♪ Whenever I call ♪ ♪ Sweet love... ♪ ♪ Yeah. ♪ (whooping, clapping) BECKY: Ugh! Close the door when you sing crap like that. Hey, Becky, can we help you with something? Yeah, quit staring at my ***. Tina, Artie-- Principal Sylvester wants to see you in her office! (school bell rings) Stumbles. Tina Warrior Princess. Graduation is fast approaching and it is time to award the title of Senior class valedictorian. Now, as you are, respectively, a loner Asian who has trouble making friends and a nasal, Muppety disabled kid in a wheelchair, it should come as no surprise to you both that you're at the head of your class. In fact... you're tied for number one. How is that possible? Identical GPAs, extracurriculars, and you both have perfect attendance. Now, unlike some members of the Glee Club who come and go for months at a time with no explanation, you two losers are always in that choir room. Even if, for an entire week, the only thing you have to do is say something inconsequential, like, "Kitty's right," or "Blaine, are you serious?" Wait, we can't both be valedictorian. Not in my world. And that is why we're going to settle this with a friendly little competition. As you know, the valedictorian gives the speech at graduation. At the end of this week, you will both deliver your speeches to a blue ribbon panel of idiots of my choosing. Whoever wins... will be crowned valedictorian. That sound fair? No, actually, it doesn't. Life isn't fair, Abrams. Good, then it's settled. Oh, and, uh, let this stand as a warning to you both. If during the middle of your speeches, you decide to abandon your prepared text in favor of a musical number, because the emotions you're feeling are just so complex they can only be expressed in song, I promise you I will dedicate my life to making sure that every beverage you drink, until the day you die, will have a just a... tiny, little bit of my pee in it. (school bell rings) Oh, my God, can you believe all the amazing dresses that they pulled for this shoot? And all these girls are like the new up-and-comers Mm-hmm. Oh. she just got the lead on AMC's new show about Victorian prostitutes. I'm so nervous, but I'm nervous because I'm excited Berry, Berry. Okay. All right. You are exactly where you're supposed to be. Okay, good luck. Okay, here I go. Okay. (laughs) (Sara Bareilles' "Brave" begins) ♪ You can be amazing ♪ ♪ You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug ♪ ♪ You can be the outcast or be the backlash ♪ ♪ Of somebody's lack of love ♪ ♪ Or you can start speaking up ♪ ♪ Nothing's gonna hurt you ♪ ♪ The way that words do when they settle 'neath your skin ♪ ♪ Kept on the inside and no sunlight ♪ ♪ Sometimes the shadow wins ♪ ♪ But I wonder what would happen if you ♪ ♪ Say what you wanna say ♪ ♪ And let the words fall out ♪ ♪ Honestly, I wanna see you be brave ♪ ♪ With what you want to say ♪ ♪ And let the words fall out ♪ ♪ Honestly ♪ ♪ I wanna see you be brave ♪ ♪ Just wanna see you ♪ ♪ I just wanna see you ♪ ♪ Just wanna see you ♪ ♪ I want to see you be brave ♪ ♪ And since your history of silence ♪ ♪ Won't do you any good ♪ ♪ Did you think it would? ♪ ♪ Let your words be anything but empty ♪ ♪ Why don't you tell them the truth? ♪ ♪ Say what you wanna say ♪ ♪ And let the words fall out ♪ ♪ Honestly ♪ ♪ I wanna see you be brave ♪ ♪ With what you wanna say ♪ ♪ And let the words fall out ♪ ♪ Honestly ♪ ♪ I wanna see you be brave ♪ ♪ Just wanna see you ♪ ♪ I just wanna see you ♪ ♪ Just wanna see you ♪ ♪ I wanna see you be brave ♪ ♪ Just wanna see you ♪ ♪ I just wanna see you ♪ ♪ Just wanna see you ♪ ♪ I just wanna see you be brave ♪ ♪ I just wanna see you ♪ ♪ I wanna see you be brave. ♪ Santana. Come on. Go to wardrobe, get dressed. Okay. (school bell rings) No need to write a speech. I wrote it for you. "In the hallowed halls of McKinley High, "one name rises to the top: Tina Cohen-Chang. "There is no other choice for valedictorian. I humbly drop out." No me gusta. Artie, I need valedictorian in order to guarantee my acceptance to Brown. If I don't get in, I'm screwed. Please take the fall for me. No. It's not my fault you didn't apply to enough schools. Maybe I was too busy making costumes and building sets and swaying in the background while everybody else was front and center. You always get everything you want, and I get nothing. Woman, are you insane? You just won Prom Queen. Which counts against me. I read online that college admission directors think that high school Prom Queens are self-centered attention ***. Exactly. Excuse me? It's time you heard this. The whole school's been talking about it. Everyone's convinced that sometime between junior and senior year, an alien invaded your body and made you shallow and desperate. Says the nerd who's dating a Cheerio! Says the hag who vapo-*** Blaine. That was blown totally out of proportion, and, yeah, I had a little crush on a guy who could never love me, but is that any different than you having a crush on a girl who can't possibly love you? Kitty does love me. Please. She's obviously using you for some kind of sick charity project, and you're using her, too. That's what your speech can be about, how you're making a sad, last-ditch effort to be popular by dating McKinley's biggest ***. Actually, Tina, you're McKinley's biggest ***. And I'm gonna win this. I don't know, Kurt, don't you think you might be overreacting? If anything, I'm underreacting. Starchild is trying to take over the band. The soul of Pamela Lansbury is hanging in the balance. It all started when Elliott scored an interview in The Village Voice, and he said, "I feel so alive right now. Nothing means more to me than my band." He's calling it his band, Blaine. Okay, and not five minutes ago, do I get a text from him that says, "Oh, my God, I just wrote a new song that we have"-- in all caps-- "got to do." I mean, he's a psychopath. Kurt, I gotta go. But, look, if you're really concerned about Elliot, don't let on, even for a second. Remember the old adage, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I love you. All right, ladies, remember, we got band rehearsal tonight. Kurt, I'm sorry, I just... I can't. Wait, what? Why? Santana, don't start with me right now. They're auditioning my understudy today, and I have to be there. I told them it's ridiculous because it's not like I'm ever gonna miss a performance or anything. Just... It must be an insurance thing, right? Hey, well, hold up. If Berry's not coming, then neither am I. Guys, we're in a band. We have to practice. Kurt, I would think that you would understand all the emotional stress that I'm under right now, and I need you guys to just be a little supportive. It's just... it's really hard being a star. Okay, guys, it's coming down to the wire. We have a very important decision to make. Yes, my wig is either gonna be Anna Wintour chic or Pam Grier fabulousness. I'm not ready to make the decision. Okay. So, we have two solos at nationals. And since Blaine was voted the new Rachel, obviously he's got one. So... who is gonna step up and take center stage? I'd like to nominate myself. And you think you're gonna Actually, Mr. Shue, I think I'd like to compete with Tina for that second spot. Well, I think we should have a sing-off, right here, right now. A little help, guys? ♪ Ooh, bop ♪ (En Vogue's "My Lovin'" begins) ♪ No, you're never gonna get it ♪ ♪ Never, ever gonna get it ♪ ♪ No, you're never gonna get it ♪ ♪ Never, ever gonna get it ♪ ♪ Ooh, bop ♪ ♪ I remember how it used to be ♪ ♪ You never was this nice ♪ ♪ Ooh, bop ♪ ♪ Now you're talkin' like you made a change ♪ ♪ The more you talk, the more things sound the same ♪ ♪ What makes you think you can just walk back ♪ ♪ Into her life ♪ ♪ Without a good fight? ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ I just sit back and watch you make a fool ♪ ♪ Of yourself ♪ ♪ 'Cause you're just wasting your time ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ No, you're never gonna get it ♪ ♪ Never, ever gonna get it ♪ ♪ No, you're never gonna get it ♪ ♪ Never, ever gonna get it ♪ ♪ No, you're never gonna get it ♪ ♪ Never, ever gonna get it ♪ ♪ No, you're never gonna get it ♪ ♪ Never, ever gonna get it ♪ ♪ Ah ♪ ♪ It doesn't matter ♪ ♪ What you do or what you say ♪ ♪ She don't love you ♪ ♪ No way ♪ ♪ Maybe next time you'll give your woman a little respect ♪ ♪ So you won't be hearing her say ♪ ♪ No way! ♪ And now it's time for a breakdown. ♪ Never gonna get it, never gonna get it ♪ ♪ Never gonna get it, never gonna get it ♪ ♪ Never gonna get it, never gonna get it ♪ ♪ Whoa, whoa, bup, oh ♪ ♪ Never gonna get it, never gonna get it ♪ ♪ Never gonna get it, never gonna get it ♪ ♪ Never gonna get it, never gonna it ♪ ♪ Never gonna get it ♪ ♪ Never get it ♪ Whoa! Hey! Artie, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. It's fine. I'm fine. (school bell rings) When the girls bailed, I almost cancelled rehearsal, but then I thought, why can't it just be the boys today? Why not use this as a great opportunity to get to know my new friend Elliott? Thank you. Yeah. So, let's break it down, Andy Cohen-style. How long have you been performing? 'Cause you are extremely confident out there on that stage. Like you've been doing it your whole life. A-And dare I say it? You just might be the breakout star of Pamela Lansbury. (distorted): Yeah, well, I am. Sorry? Come on now. I mean... (stammers) everybody's bringing something essential to the mix. Right, right. Said Beyoncé right before she left Destiny's Child. But you were saying something. Um, yeah, I guess the first time onstage was... fifth grade. I played Schroeder in You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown. How does one go from Schroeder to Starchild? Well... Ruthless and-and full of ambition, I-I, I imagine-- qualities that I admire, of course, and, you know, wish I had more of myself. Um, I started with, um, singing lessons and piano. And-and I just started taking guitar. Have you ever played? Oh, yeah, a little. I-I think I know the-the basic chords, but I'm nowhere near your level of virtuosity. Oh, would you stop downplaying yourself? You... are amazing. You could easily be the front man of our band if you wanted to be. Do you? (distorted): Yes. Come again? You know what, Kurt, uh, if you really want to learn, you should... you should get your own guitar. You know, something that suits your personality and your style. You know, having the right instrument makes a huge difference. Great. (harshly off-key): ♪ Beautiful dreamer ♪ ♪ Wake unto me... ♪ RUPERT: Thank you. We will call. Thank you. Woof. I mean, no wonder you hired me for this part. No one can sing in this town. I hired you because you are spectacular. And incredibly healthy. I plan on wearing one of those surgical masks that Chinese people wear once we're up and running because I do not get sick, which is why I don't need an understudy. The union says you need an understudy. So does the producer, so does our insurance company, so do I. Fine. How many more people do we have left? Just a few. (clears throat) Santana Lopez. What? ("Don't Rain on My Parade" begins) ♪ Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter ♪ ♪ Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter ♪ ♪ Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade ♪ ♪ Don't tell me not to fly ♪ ♪ I've simply got to, if someone takes a spill ♪ ♪ It's me and not you ♪ ♪ Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade? ♪ ♪ I'll march my band out ♪ ♪ I'll beat my drum ♪ ♪ And if I'm fanned out ♪ ♪ Your turn at bat, sir ♪ ♪ At least I didn't fake it ♪ ♪ Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it ♪ ♪ But whether I'm the rose of sheer perfection ♪ ♪ Or freckle on the nose of life's complexion ♪ ♪ The cinder or the shiny apple of its eye ♪ ♪ I gotta fly once, I gotta try once ♪ ♪ Only can die once ♪ ♪ Right, sir? Oh, life is ♪ ♪ Juicy, juicy and you'll see ♪ ♪ I gotta have my bite, sir ♪ ♪ Get ready for me, love, 'cause I'm a comer ♪ ♪ I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer ♪ ♪ Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my ♪ ♪ Parade ♪ ♪ I'm gonna live and live now ♪ ♪ Get what I want, I know how ♪ ♪ One roll for the whole shebang ♪ ♪ One throw, that bell will go clang ♪ ♪ Eye on the target and wham ♪ ♪ One shot, one gunshot and bam ♪ ♪ Hey, Mr. Arnstein ♪ ♪ Here I am ♪ ♪ I'll march my band out ♪ ♪ I'll beat my drum ♪ ♪ And if I'm fanned out ♪ ♪ Your turn at bat, sir, at least I didn't fake it ♪ ♪ Hat, sir, I guess I didn't make it ♪ ♪ Get ready for me, love, 'cause I'm a comer ♪ ♪ I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer ♪ ♪ Nobody, no, nobody is ♪ ♪ Gonna rain ♪ ♪ On my ♪ ♪ Parade! ♪ Holy moly. That was amazing. Who are you? I mean, who submitted you? Well, actually, I heard about this audition from Rachel. We're roommates, and we went to high school together. One high school produced both of you? Rachel, why didn't you tell me about her? Uh... Ooh, I'm so excited that we're doing this, Elliott. And after this, I thought we could second-act Pippin. And we can go to Angus's for after-theatre cocktails. Looking for anything in particular? Uh, yeah. My friend's in the market for a new guitar. Don't touch the axes. What? I don't... Hey, man, do you know that song by The Darkness-- Uh... (The Darkness' "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" begins) ♪ Can't explain all the feelings that you're making me feel ♪ ♪ My heart's in overdrive ♪ ♪ And you're behind the steering wheel ♪ ♪ Touching you-ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ Touching me-ee-ee ♪ ♪ Touching you ♪ ♪ God, you're touching me ♪ ♪ I believe in a thing called love ♪ ♪ Just listen to the rhythm of my heart ♪ ♪ There's a chance we could make it now ♪ ♪ We'll be rocking till the sun goes down ♪ ♪ I believe in a thing called love ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, yeah ♪ Come on. ♪ I wanna kiss you every minute, every hour, every day ♪ ♪ You got me in a spin but everything is A-okay ♪ ♪ Touching you-ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ Touching me-ee-ee ♪ ♪ Touching you, God, you're touching me ♪ ♪ I believe in a thing called love ♪ ♪ Just listen to the rhythm of my heart ♪ ♪ There's a chance we could make it now ♪ ♪ We'll be rocking till the sun goes down ♪ ♪ I believe in a thing called love ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, oh, yeah ♪ Guitar! (instrumental interlude, featuring guitar) ♪ Touching you-ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ Touching me-ee-ee ♪ ♪ Touching you, God, you're touching me ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ I believe in a thing called love ♪ ♪ Just listen to the rhythm of my heart ♪ ♪ There's a chance we could make it now ♪ ♪ We'll be rocking till the sun goes down ♪ ♪ I believe in a thing called love ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah ♪ Come on. ♪ I believe in a thing called love ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, hey, yeah ♪ ♪ I believe in a thing called love ♪ ♪ Whoa, oh-oh, oh, yeah-ah-ah ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. ♪ (Elliott screams, song ends) Shrow these guys some guitars. (laughter) (overlapping chatter) You don't own the song. No, that song is Ms. Streisand's as long as she's on this planet. But let me tell you something-- when she goes, it's gonna be my responsibility to sing it. Do you know how insane you sound? It was completely inappropriate of her to try out without telling me. Hey, roomies. Talking about me? No. Why would you think that? Why did you audition without telling me? Well, because I figured that we were going to fight about it, anyway, so we might as well go at it afterwards. That way you don't have a chance to torpedo me. *** Brice is a New York Jew. You playing that role is like me being the grand marshal at the Puerto Rican Day parade. What if you weren't playing ***? If you weren't playing the lead, and I came home and said that I had auditioned to be the understudy, would you still feel so strongly? I'm arguing on principle. This is not personal. Bull crap, Rachel. You have all of this talk about forgiveness for high school, but the reality is that you just love having something over me. I mean, these past couple of months with you in rehearsal and me waiting tables has been such sweet revenge for you. And you just can't stand the idea that I might get mine, too. I just got you on the cover of New York magazine! In the background. You were practically glowing about it. That's because I accomplished something. It had nothing to do with you. No, see, it actually has everything to do with me. Every step that you take in this city is fueled by all of the hate that we gave you. All of that ambition is just you trying to prove us wrong. Which is fine, Rachel. I mean, whatever works for you. Just don't try to say that it isn't. Okay, why don't we just chill for a second, please. You know what? You can't handle it. You can't handle that I have made it, and you are just begging to be my understudy. Okay, you know what? Just admit that even with all of your years of singing lessons and dancing lessons and only-child adoration from your gay Broadway dads that I am just as good as you. Unlike you, I can be popular in high school and still make it big after graduation. Just admit that no matter what you do, or how far you go, you will never be able to scratch that itch. You will never be able to look down on me and redeem yourself. Because I was better than you then, and I'm always gonna be better than you. You are short, you are awful, and (grunts) (Kurt gasps) I think you should move out. (phone buzzing) This is crazy! We're friends! Not really. (phone buzzing) Hello? Yeah, good. Okay. Well, thank you for letting me know so soon. Bye. I'll see you at rehearsals, Berry. I'm your new understudy. Welcome, idiots, to the McKinley High valedictorian speech-off. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Your job today is to decide which of these speeches is slightly less awful. That being said, allow me to present absolutely no one's favorite New Direction!-- Tina Cohen-Chang. ♪ ♪ (feedback squeals) My fellow graduates, I feel like I was a different person when I first arrived at McKinley High School four years ago. I was a goth chick who was so intent on pushing people away that I pretended to have a stutter, which I now understand wasn't even that convincing. I wasn't even good at stuttering. But then, something in my life changed. Someone, actually. In fact... that someone changed me. And that person's name is Artie Abrams. Artie, wait. I'm really sorry. It was an accident. You're still one of my best friends, Artie. I know you know that. Ditto. Artie has taught me how to not only be myself, but he's an inspiration to high school students everywhere. ARTIE: Sure, I've experienced adversity. One Christmas, I was given a pair of mechanical legs that allowed me to walk for an hour before they promptly broke. But I've never been so humbled as I was the moment Tina Cohen-Chang wiped the slushie off of her gown and triumphantly returned to the stage to claim her rightful crown as prom queen. That is why I respectfully withdraw myself from consideration and ask that Tina be named this year's valedictorian. I believe he should be given the title of class valedictorian. God, this can't be happening. TINA: Is it a bridge too far to call Artie Abrams an American hero? I think not. ARTIE: It's no exaggeration to say that Tina took my broken body in her arms and taught me how to love. And as he strains to push his wheelchair up that ramp, the ghosts of fallen heroes follow close behind. Rosa Parks, Mahatma Ghandi. Artie Abrams holds high the torch of dignity. So please, respected judges, cast your lot for Tina. I beseech you, vote for Artie. Tina Cohen-Chang, teammate, sometime lover, patriot, friend. Thank you. Thank you. What a treacly, stomach-turning waste of everybody's time. I hate you both. The judges will now make their decision while I find a wastebasket to dry-heave mouthfuls of yellow bile into. What are you doing? Putting makeup on. I have some bruising on my cheek I'd like to cover up before rehearsal. You may not know this because you haven't been interested in Broadway since the day we met, but the star gets her own vanity. There is a perfectly fine bathroom mirror upstairs for the understudy. So sorry, I totally forgot how much room you need for all that *** makeup you plaster on every day. I will totally slap you again. I would love for things to get physical. I will hit you so hard that you won't be able to wake up until you're old enough to be Funny Lady. You will never play this part; I know you're planning on getting all Showgirls crazy on me and pushing me down the stairs and poisoning my oatmeal, but you're gonna have to kill me first, and even then, I will come back from the dead and I will play this part just to spite you. Zombie ***? Ghost ***, actually. What's this? Fighting? No, no, no. No way, no fighting. Okay, Rupert, this isn't gonna work. Santana and I have a past. Which besides her being incredibly talented, is why she is here. If you want to fill this house, we need all the press we can get. I've got Pat Healy from the New York Times, David Cote from Time Out, Adam Hetrick from playbill.com all begging me to break the story of the two girls from the same high school in Ohio who made it big in the same Broadway show. Two old friends finding fame, love and fortune in the big city. Hell of a hook. You're both gonna get plenty of attention individually, but it is a fact, as a team, you'll be twice as famous. From now on, I want the two of you joined at the hip. You both need to know every move *** makes in the show, starting with scene 14. Rachel, you'll run through it first, then Santana. I don't know what happened between the two of you in the past. Honestly, I don't really care. It's all... puppy dogs and rainbows from now till this show closes. (sighs heavily) Well... at least we know who the rainbow is, and who's the dog. Bathroom's upstairs! (The Police's "Every Breath You Take" begins) ♪ Every breath you take ♪ ♪ And every move you make ♪ ♪ Every bond you break ♪ ♪ Every step you take ♪ ♪ I'll be watching you ♪ ♪ Every single day ♪ ♪ And every word you say ♪ ♪ Every game you play ♪ ♪ Every night you stay ♪ ♪ I'll be watching you ♪ ♪ Oh, can't you see? ♪ ♪ You belong to me ♪ ♪ How my poor heart aches ♪ ♪ With every step you take ♪ ♪ Every move you make ♪ ♪ And every vow you break ♪ ♪ Every smile you fake ♪ ♪ Every claim you stake ♪ BOTH: ♪ I'll be watching you ♪ ♪ Since you've gone, I've been lost without a trace ♪ ♪ I dream at night, I can only see your face ♪ ♪ I look around, but it's you I can't replace ♪ ♪ I feel so cold, and I long for your embrace ♪ BOTH: ♪ I keep crying ♪ ♪ Baby, baby, please... ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ Every breath you take, every move you make ♪ ♪ Every bond you break ♪ ♪ Every step you take ♪ BOTH: ♪ Every single day, every word you say ♪ ♪ Every game you play ♪ ♪ Every night you stay ♪ BOTH: ♪ Every move you make, every vow you break ♪ ♪ Every smile you fake ♪ ♪ I'll be watching ♪ BOTH: ♪ Every single day, every word you say ♪ ♪ Every game you play ♪ ♪ I'll be watching you. ♪ Ah, T. Rex? Oh, be still my glam heart. You know, there's this amazing flea market in Park Slope Ooh. I will help you pick out the perfect records to add to your collection. I'm, uh, kind of magic like that. And I am kind of magic at baking prepackaged goods with extra glazing. Yes! That looks amazing. (chuckles) You know, Kurt... you know, this might sound a little bit weird, but, um, I'm so glad that we've met. I mean, you're the first gay friend that I've made in the city that's not crazy or just trying to hook up. But I do know what you're doing. What's that? I'm not trying to take over you band, man. That's what you're thinking, right? I mean, that's why we've been spending so much time together? You are kind of magic. I'm sorry, I-I just wanted to, you know, figure out, exactly what your deal was. Well, the deal is this. You guys are awesome. You're good people, you're talented and, you know what? So am I. So let's not be these, like, smiley frenemies that backstab each other. Let's go out and kick *** together. I mean, I'm a part of your band. (sighs) Yeah, you are. Okay, let's document this moment. Yes, yes. I think this calls for a Pamela Lansbury selfie. I was still chewing. Oh, sorry, let's take a look, it could be... Yeah, no, we're doing that again... We're going that again, okay? One, two... Be super cute. (laughs) (gasps) Oh! (school bell ringing) Well, the judges have spoken. Congratulations, morons. You split the vote. It's a tie. Are you serious? Yes, I am, Make-a-Wish. Now I have no choice but to make you co-salutatorians. And elevate the student ranked number three to the class valedictorian. Who? Blaine Anderson. What?! I'm really sorry, guys. I feel terrible. Don't be, if we can't be valedictorian, we're glad it's you. No, but you two deserve it. I mean, come on, you guys have a higher grade point average. I know this sounds like a humble brag. but honestly, I feel like sometimes things just get handed to me. Really? Hmm. I never noticed that. You know, like, how Mr. Shue gives me more solos than anyone, and... BECKY: Blade gay Blaine! When did you break-up with Pancake Face? Uh, Becky, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't call my fiancé "Pancake Face." And no, we're not broken up. Yeah, you are. (quietly): What? Um, that's a... that's a great photo, Becky. But don't worry. Kurt and Elliot are just friends. Just friends, my ***. Speaking of ***... Pancake Face is getting some. Oh, snap! (weak laugh) Tina and Artie have both demurred from having solos at Nationals, so we're still looking for someone to step up. You already have a solo, Blaine. Thank you, Tina. This is about something else. As you may have all heard, I have been asked, oddly, to be valedictorian this year. And so, I thought, instead of boring everybody with the traditional valedictorian speech where I tell people to follow their dreams and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I could actually affect people by singing. So I was hoping you guys could help me brainstorm some graduation songs. I literally cannot wait to watch Principal Sylvester assassinate you. Look, I know you guys both really wanted it. (sighs) That's why I want both of you to sing with me. Whatever song we pick, we should pick together. And you should both definitely have solos. And, Tina, we could film rehearsal and send it to Brown. And they're so artsy and progressive that I'm sure once they see it, they're just gonna open up those Van Winkle gates, looking for you. They better open them really wide. Oh, Blainy Days. Well, if we're gonna go down, I'm honored to go down together. Right! That's that spirit I like! (all chatting happily) We all can't live here anymore. One of us has to go. I've paid rent here for three months. And even though I never actually got to have a bed, uh, I have squatter's rights. Kurt, you're the deciding vote. Oh, well, then I guess I should pack my stuff now. Right. I'm picking neither of you. Okay? This is ridiculous! We are friends. I'm not gonna let something like this break us up. This is betrayal, Kurt, okay? This is exactly how friends break up. She auditioned for your understudy, Rachel. Okay, you know what? Let me break it down for you-- the sole purpose of an understudy is to hope that the lead never goes on. She only wins if I lose! And I can't be around this negative energy anymore. This is my big break and she is poisoning it! "Poison." Even if she never went out on that stage, this would be a very important job for her. And I'm a little disappointed you can't find the generosity in your heart to see that. You know what? If you think that she is just some babe in the woods who is perfectly fine with living off of the scraps off of my star sandwich, then you are naïve and willfully ignorant! She would kill for this part! Oh, yes, she has been awful to us before. But I believe her now. Look at that, Pasty Gay is siding with me. I am not siding with either of you. I just want to order a pizza, sit down and talk this out! You know what? You guys can do whatever you want in this apartment, because I'm leaving, and let me tell you something, Santana. You and I have just been pretending to be friends ever since we did that stupid number in the choir room after graduation, all happy and supportive. But it's all crap! Because you and I have never been friends. Never have and never will be! Rachel, no. No. No, you know what? Let her go. Hey, leave the mattress though, would you? I am on the cusp of something that most people never even touch, a dream come true. I am gonna be a star on Broadway. And I'm not gonna let one moment of this amazing, life-altering experience be ruined by two friends who aren't even my friends... That's it. Okay. Cool. (Kurt sighs) (Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway" begins) ♪ Da-da-da-da, na-na ♪ ♪ Da-da-da-da, na-na ♪ ♪ Da-da-da-da, na-na-na-na ♪ ♪ Grew up in a small town ♪ ♪ And when the rain would fall down ♪ ♪ I'd just stare out my window ♪ ♪ Dreaming of what could be ♪ ♪ And if I'd end up happy ♪ ♪ I would pray ♪ ♪ Trying hard to reach out ♪ ♪ But when I try to speak out ♪ ♪ Felt like no one could hear me ♪ ♪ Wanted to belong here ♪ ♪ But something felt so wrong here ♪ ♪ So I prayed ♪ ♪ I could break away... ♪ ♪ I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly ♪ ♪ I'll do what it takes ♪ ♪ Till I touch the sky ♪ ♪ And I'll make a wish take a chance, make a change ♪ ♪ And break away... ♪ ♪ Out of the darkness ♪ ♪ And into the sun ♪ ♪ But I won't forget ♪ ♪ All the ones that I love ♪ ♪ Make a wish, take a chance ♪ ♪ Make a change ♪ ♪ And break away ♪ ♪ Buildings with a hundred floors ♪ ♪ Swing around revolving doors ♪ ♪ Maybe I don't know where they'll take me ♪ ♪ But gotta keep moving on ♪ ♪ Moving on ♪ ♪ Fly away ♪ ♪ Break away ♪ ♪ I'll spread my wings ♪ ♪ And I'll learn how to fly ♪ ♪ Though it's not easy ♪ ♪ To tell you good-bye ♪ ♪ Make a wish, take a chance ♪ ♪ Make a change ♪ ♪ And break away ♪ ♪ Break away, break away. ♪ Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org