The Facts of Life Advanced Placement

♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD, YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪ YOU TAKE 'EM BOTH AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪ THERE'S A TIME YOU GOTTA GO AND SHOW ♪ YOU'RE GROWIN' NOW YOU KNOW ABOUT ♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪ WHEN THE WORLD NEVER SEEMS ♪ TO BE LIVIN' UP TO YOUR DREAMS ♪ AND SUDDENLY YOU'RE FINDIN' OUT ♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ARE ALL ABOUT ♪ YOU ♪ YOU ♪ IT TAKES A LOT TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪ WHEN YOU'RE LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪ LEARNIN' THE FACTS OF LIFE [BELL RINGS] WAIT TILL YOU HEAR THIS. MR. PARKER OH HI GIRLS. HELLO, CHARLES. TELL THEM, MR. PARKER. I LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE HERE. THANK YOU, CHARLES. I HEAR BUSINESS IS GOOD. YES. YOU'RE HAPPY HERE? ECSTATIC. THAT'S NICE. COME BACK TO EASTLAND! CHARLES! TELL THEM, MR. PARKER. I CAME TO ANNOUNCE THE GOOD NEWS ABOUT NATALIE AND TO BUY CROISSANTS. PLAIN OR CHOCOLATE? HALF A DOZEN OF THE OTHER. GET ON WITH THE ANNOUNCEMENT. AH, YES. I GOT THIS IDEA OF SETTING UP SOME LIAISON WITH LANGLEY COLLEGE-- OH, THIS IS THE DULL PART. SKIP AHEAD. YES. LAST WEEK, THE DEAN AT LANGLEY TOLD ME TO GO AHEAD WITH THE LANGLEY-EASTLAND ADVANCED PLACEMENT PROGRAM. I'LL ATTEND A COURSE AT LANGLEY! NATALIE! BECAUSE OF MY-- AND I QUOTE-- "EXCEPTIONAL ACADEMIC RECORD." I HAVE BEEN INVITED TO TAKE A FRESHMAN-LEVEL COURSE AT LANGLEY. GREAT! THREE GIRLS AT LANGLEY! IT'S THINGS LIKE THIS THAT INCREASE ALUMNI DONATIONS. WHAT CLASS WILL YOU TAKE? I THOUGHT I'D CONSULT MY FRESHMAN ADVISORS. WE CAN HELP YOU. OH, YES, NATALIE. THEY'LL GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THEIR WEEKS OF EXPERIENCE. HOW ABOUT A COOK'S TOUR OF THE HOUSE? LEAD THE WAY. LET'S SEE YOUR LIST. HERE IT IS. ENGLISH 110, "THE GENIUS OF NORMAN MAILER" TAUGHT BY NORMAN MAILER. AH, THAT'S THE ONE. LOOK. IT'S AT 8 A.M. TOO EARLY. OH. OF COURSE. THAT ONE MEETS AT 11:00, "ANIMALS IN ART." TOO INCONVENIENT. IT MEETS IN VESTIGE HALL. YOU'D LEAVE HERE 10 MINUTES EARLIER. FIND SOMETHING THAT MEETS HERE IN THE LIVING ROOM. HERE'S ONE IN McCLENDON HALL. ÷PERFECT. AND IT'S AT NOON. IDEAL! WHAT COURSE IS THAT? WHO CARES? IT'S MODERN DRAMA. WHAT WILL YOU WEAR? OH! WHAT DO I WEAR? CLOTHES. CLOTHES. OK, I HAVE THOSE. HEY, GUYS. NATALIE, HOW'D YOU DO ON THAT PAPER? I GOT AN "A." NOT COUNTING THE PLUSES. AND THIS SAME GIRL ONCE CARRIED A RETURN OF THE JEDI NOTEBOOK. THAT WAS THREE WEEKS AGO. I WAS YOUNG THEN. SOCCER TEAM LOSES AGAIN. BUT THAT GAME WAS GREAT! WHAT'S GREAT ABOUT A 13 TO 0 LOSS? THE GUYS WEAR SHORTS. WELL, WELL, WELL. LOOKS LIKE WE'RE DOING SOME SERIOUS CHUCKLING. MIND IF I MIX? ALL IN FAVOR SAY "GET LOST." TRES FUNNY. I'LL GET YOU A CHAIR. WOULD YOU, DEAR? WARNSY, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT GAMMA GAMMA? THE SORORITY HOUSE IS HAVING A MAJOR REDO FROM THE HARDWOODS UP. YOU WON'T BE THERE. BOOTS, I'M VERY HAPPY WHERE I AM. YOU BRAVE SOUL, YOU. AND LITTLE NATALIE! STILL LEADING YOUR DOUBLE LIFE? HOW DO YOU SEG BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN LANGLEY AND EASTLAND? I HAVE MY EASTLAND UNIFORM UNDERNEATH. I'M FINE UNTIL THE WEATHER WARMS UP. LIGHT BULB! YOU KNOW, YOUR EXPERIENCE WOULD MAKE A SUPER STORY FOR THE DAILY LANGLIAN.. . GOOD IDEA! I'LL TALK TO THE EDITOR. YOU WOULD? CERTAINEMENT. LIKE ALL CAMPUS VIP's, SHE'S A GAMMA GAMMA. SHE MIGHT WRITE A SHORT STORY ABOUT YOU. REALLY? OR MAYBE SHE'D LET ME WRITE IT? WHY, I THINK SHE WOULD BE ENCHANTED BY YOUR ADOLESCENT EYE VIEW. THANKS, BOOTS. YOU'RE TERRIFIC. OH, IT'S BEEN SAID BEFORE. BUT FEAR NOT. I'LL DROP THE IDEA INTO HER CAPPUCINO. TA. IS IT JUST ME, OR IS EVERYBODY NAUSEOUS? COME ON, JO. THIS IS GREAT. I'M WRITING FOR THE EASTLANDER AND THE DAILY LANGLIAN. YOU HAVE THE SENIOR SPOOF TO DO, TOO. YEAH, PIECE OF CAKE. WHAT'S THE SENIOR SPOOF? THE UNDERCLASSMEN ROAST THE SENIORS-- AN EASTLAND TRADITION. YOU GOT THE TREATMENT LAST YEAR? YEAH. WE WENT TO TOWN ON THEM. YEAH? THERE WAS SO MUCH JUICY STUFF. LIKE WHAT? I DON'T THINK THEY'RE INTERESTED, NATALIE. WE CERTAINLY ARE. TELL US, NAT. ONCE, BLAIR WAS SPRAYED BY A SKUNK. NATALIE! SHE WAS WITH JEFF MORGAN IN THE WOODS, WHICH WAS OFF LIMITS, BUT BLAIR WAS WILD IN THOSE DAYS. ANYWAY, FOR MONTHS AFTERWARD, THEY CALLED HER PEPE LE PEW. NO KIDDING? ÷ ÷ PEPE. THIS ONE OVER HERE. SHE VISITED HER FRIEND AT STONE ACADEMY. SHE WALKED AROUND IN A MOTORCYCLE HELMET. EVERYBODY THOUGHT SHE WAS A GUY. SOMEBODY OFFERED TO FIX HER UP WITH HIS SISTER. GREAT DIRT. WHAT ELSE? NOTHING ELSE! NO, NO. THERE'S PLENTY MORE. JO WANTED TO BECOME A NUN. AND BLAIR SAID IT WAS VERY STUPID. AND JO DECKED HER! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! THANKS. I'D LIKE TO PAY FOR THIS. ÷TOOTIE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. THAT'LL BE $3.18. I THOUGHT YOU FINISHED THAT LANGLEY NEWSPAPER ARTICLE. I DID. DAYS AGO. I'M WORKING ON THE PROGRAM FOR THE PIA ZADORA FILM FESTIVAL. COME AGAIN. I'M WRITING NOTES-- NATALIE, I HEARD YOU! MISS-- TOOTIE. I'LL BE WITH YOU IN ONE SECOND. IT'D BE TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO HELP? I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THE FLOWING MOMENT. THEN LET THOSE MOMENTS FLOW INTO THE SPOOF SKITS. I CAN KNOCK THAT OUT QUICKLY. NO. I WANT IT WRITTEN FUNNY. I HAVE LOST THE MOMENT BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID SPOOF. ÷STUPID? THE SENIOR SPOOF IS NOTHING BUT SOPHOMORIC FLUFF. OF COURSE, I'M A SOPHOMORE! THIS IS A STORE, NOT A HOCKEY GAME. HI! CAN I HELP YOU? MAYBE I'LL COME BACK LATER. OH, OH, PLEASE DO. AND-AND-AND HAVE A SPLENDID DAY. SOMEONE'S GOING TO DIE. WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT IT COST ME A CUSTOMER? NATALIE IS IMPOSSIBLE. I'M COUNTING ON HER FOR THE SPOOF, AND SHE'S WRITING SOME DUMB THING FOR BOOTS. NATALIE. JUST A SEC. [BELL RINGS] HOW WAS YOUR DAY? GREAT, IF YOU'RE A SKUNK. THEY'RE STILL CALLING YOU PEPE LE PEW ? YES, THEY ARE. THANKS TO MISS "LET'S CUT UP OUR FRIENDS FOR OTHERS' AMUSEMENT." WHY WASTE LUNG POWER ON HER? BECAUSE OF HER, I'M A WALKING JOKE. AND YOU WERE ALMOST RECRUITED BY THE MEN'S WRESTLING TEAM. KEEP QUIET. I HAVE SOUFFLES IN THE OVEN. [BELL RINGS] YOO-HOO. CAN NATALIE COME OUT AND PLAY? ÷BOOTSY! WE'RE FETCHING BOXES TODAY, REMEMBER? RIGHT. I'LL GET MY COAT. SO YOU'LL KNOW, I'M MOVING FROM MY FIRST FLOOR ROOM TO A POSITIVELY ENORMOUS SUITE ON THE SECOND FLOOR. NATALIE'S HELPING ME PACK. I'M READY! HAVEN'T WE FORGOTTEN SOMETHING? OH, RIGHT. OH, GRAVY! THEY'RE TICKETING MY VOLVO. FORGIVE THEM, MOI. WHERE'S BOOTS? WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT IS THIS? YOU'RE DOING HER LAUNDRY? I JUST PICKED IT UP. FAVOR FOR A FRIEND. A FRIEND? NATALIE, SHE'S JUST USING YOU. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HER. I DO. YOU GET TO KNOW SOMEONE AFTER YOU'VE IRONED HER SKIRTS. DON'T KEEP HER WAITING. SHE'LL NEED YOU TO WAX HER VOLVO. YOU'RE JEALOUS BECAUSE I'M A BIG HIT. I'M DOING BETTER AT COLLEGE THAN YOU ARE. NATALIE! WE'RE GLAD YOU'RE ENJOYING LANGLEY, BUT IT'S JUST ONE COURSE. FOR NOW. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I AM AN EXCEPTIONAL STUDENT. SO? ÷SO... I HAPPENED TO DROP IN ON THE LANGLEY ADMISSIONS OFFICE. WE CHATTED FOR A WHILE. GET TO THE POINT. IT'S ALL WORKED OUT. IF I TAKE SOME EXTRA COURSES THIS SUMMER AND KEEP MY GRADE POINT AVERAGE UP, I CAN ENTER LANGLEY IN THE FALL. [HORN HONKS] THAT'S BOOTSY. GOTTA RUN. TA! I NEED SOME DIRT ON ROSE SPENCER. I THOUGHT WRITING THOSE SKITS WAS NATALIE'S JOB. I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE IS. WHEN LAST SIGHTED, SHE SHINED THE PENNIES IN BOOTS' LOAFERS. AND SHE TRIED TO JOIN THE GERMAN CLUB. NATALIE DOESN'T SPEAK GERMAN. SHE DOESN'T SPEAK FRENCH, BUT SHE JOINED THAT ONE. YOU KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING. I THOUGHT YOU WERE STILL MAD AT HER. WE ARE. SHE'S JUST HARD TO IGNORE. SHE'S HANGING OUT AT THE LANGLEY BOOKSTORE. AND THE STUDENT UNION. WEARING HER LANGLEY SWEAT SHIRT. YOU HAVE BEEN COVERING FOR HER IN THE SHOP. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. HEY, WE DON'T MIND THE OVERTIME, WHICH REMINDS ME... CORRECT...PAYDAY! OK, JO. TOOTIE... BLAIR. THANK YOU. [BELL RINGS] UH, WHAT A DAY. SORRY I'M LATE. I HAD COFFEE WITH SOME FRIENDS. LOST ALL TRACK OF TIME. BUT I AM HERE. WHAT SHALL I DO? WELL, YOU CAN CHANGE THE SIGN FROM OPEN TO CLOSED. IS IT THAT LATE? AMAZING HOW TIME FLIES WHEN YOU'RE GOOFING OFF. AU CONTRAIRE, WARNSY. I HAD A MEANINGFUL DISCUSSION WITH ALICIA AND BOOTS. THEY'RE A SKETCH. SPEAKING OF SKETCHES, WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE SPOOF. I GAVE YOU THOSE SKITS. WE MUST TALK. THEY'RE LOUSY. ÷LOUSY? THE SPOOF COMMITTEE SAW THEM. THEY WERE GREETED BY A RESOUNDING SNORE. ARE YOU SURE THOSE KIDS GOT MY JOKES? WHAT JOKES? MAYBE THEY'RE OVER YOUR HEAD. ONLY A COLLEGE MIND COULD APPRECIATE THEM? YOUR WORDS, NOT MINE. WANT ME TO KILL HER FOR YOU? THE SKITS AREN'T FUNNY. I WANT YOU TO PUNCH THEM UP. ME PUNCH THEM UP? JO, PUNCH HER OUT. I DON'T HAVE TIME. YOU SAID YOU WOULD-- COME ON NOW! WILL YOU REDO THEM OR NOT? NOT! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR KID STUFF! ÷FINE! NATALIE, IT'S TIME WE TALKED. [BELL RINGS] HIDY-HO, EVERYBODY. HIDY-HO TO YOU, BOOTS. WE DESERVE THIS FOR NOT LOCKING THE DOOR I SAW THE CLOSED SIGN, BUT I ASSUMED IT DIDN'T PERTAIN TO ME. TELL US WHAT THIS INTRUSION IS ABOUT. HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE? GIRLS, WHERE ARE OUR MANNERS? WHAT'S ON THE WIRE, BOOTS? I WAS HOPING TO LASSO SOME OF THAT MARVELOUS DUCKLING PATE. BUT I DON'T WANT YOU REOPENING THE BOOKS. I KNOW TRADESPEOPLE DISLIKE DOING THAT. NO PROBLEM, BOOTS. HOW MUCH WOULD YOU LIKE? A HALF A SMIDGE OR SO. WE SELL IT BY THE WHOLE SMIDGE. OH, WHY NOT? ONE ROUND OF BACKGAMMON WILL BURN IT OFF. NATALIE, I NEARLY FORGOT WHY I STOPPED BY. MY STORY! 12 HOURS BEFORE OFFICIAL PUBLICATION. HERE IT IS. "AN UNDERCLASSMEN LOOKS AT LANGLEY." HEY, THEY PULLED THIS UP FROM THE MIDDLE. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM? MY SCRIBE SISTER MENTIONED SHE REWORKED IT A BIT. NO ONE REWORKS AN EDITOR. YOU'RE A HIGH SCHOOL PAPER EDITOR. THIS IS COLLEGE! VIVE LA DIFFERENCE! AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? YOU'RE IN THE FRENCH CLUB. FIGURE IT OUT. THIS ISN'T FAIR. I WROTE SOME GOOD STUFF. MAYBE THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE TURNED IN. WELL, HERE'S YOUR SMIDGE, BOOTS. ÷$4.00. THANKS. WELL, I'VE GOT TO RUN. MY KNEE SOCKS ARE BAGGING. WHOOSH! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! WHAT ELSE CAN HAPPEN? ÷WELL... HERE'S YOUR PAYCHECK. WAIT A MINUTE. WAS THIS EDITED, TOO? $18? MRS. GARRETT! MRS. GARRETT, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CHECK? WELL, YOU'VE BEEN WORKING LESS THAN USUAL. NOT MUCH LESS. YOU WERE SCHEDULED FOR 16 HOURS. YOU MISSED NINE. I'VE BEEN BUSY. NOT IN THE SHOP... WITH THAT ARTICLE, MY CLUBS, AND THE FILM FESTIVAL. I'M EXPECTED TO PAY FOR THAT? LET'S CALL IT AN ADVANCE ON MY SALARY. AN ADVANCE? WHAT FOR? I GOT THE BILL FOR MY BOOKSTORE CHARGE ACCOUNT. YOU HAVE A LANGLEY CHARGE CARD? I DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT. [DOORBELL RINGS] CHARLES! ÷EDNA. OH, HELLO, NATALIE. HIDY-HO, MR. PARKER. I'LL TALK ABOUT A COUPLE OF THINGS. HAS PROVOST McGOVERN AT BATES CALLED YOU YET? ÷NO. WHY? HIS ANNIVERSARY IS ON THE SAME DAY AS MY WIFE'S BIRTHDAY-- OH, THAT'S MONTHS AWAY. HE SAID HE'D HAVE YOU CATER HIS AFFAIR SINCE YOU'RE NOT MY PROPERTY. I'M REMINDING YOU THAT YOU STILL ARE. MY BIGGEST REGRET IS THAT I CAN ONLY CATER YOUR WIFE'S BIRTHDAY ONCE A YEAR. REALLY? WHAT'S THE SECOND THING? OH, RIGHT. NATALIE, WE HAVE TO TALK. UH-OH. NATALIE, IT SEEMS YOUR GRADE POINT AVERAGE HAS SLIPPED A LITTLE BIT. YES, BUT I'LL RALLY AT THE YEAR'S END. WHEN I SAY A LITTLE BIT, I MEAN A WHOLE LOT. ÷NATALIE? WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED? FROM WHAT I HEAR, SHE'S GOTTEN A FEW C's, CUT A FEW CLASSES. YOU CUT CLASSES? I HAD NO IDEA. MR. PARKER, I DIDN'T LET THINGS SLIDE THAT MUCH. LANGLEY HAVE RESCINDED THE OFFER OF EARLY ADMISSION. THEY CAN'T DO THAT! THEY SAID I WAS EXCEPTIONAL. WELL, YOU WERE. THINGS HAVE CHANGED. THEY'LL LET ME FINISH THE COURSE? PROBABLY. THAT WAS BASED ON PAST PERFORMANCE, BEFORE YOUR DECLINE. YOU BETTER PAY MORE ATTENTION TO EASTLAND. I AM STILL YOUR HEADMASTER. I MAKE IT TOUGH ON GIRLS WHO CUT CLASSES. DO WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER? YES, MR. PARKER. ÷GOOD. OH, EDNA, I ALMOST FORGOT. PLEASE COME BACK TO EASTLAND. NO, CHARLES. WE'VE GOT ALL NEW ICE TRAYS. THAT'S VERY TEMPTING. I'M HAPPY HERE. WE'LL TALK AGAIN NEXT WEEK. BYE. BYE-BYE, CHARLES. LET'S NOT PANIC. I'VE GOT A WAY OUT. ÷YOU DO? YOU WRITE A LETTER TO LANGLEY. SAY I'VE BEEN WORKING HARD, I'VE HAD FAMILY PROBLEMS, BUT YOU KNOW THAT I'LL RAISE MY AVERAGE. YOU WANT ME TO LIE? THANK YOU, MRS. GARRETT. FORGET IT, NATALIE. BUT THIS WHOLE THING IS STUPID. WHY WAIT ANOTHER YEAR TO GO TO LANGLEY? BECAUSE YOUR GRADES AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH ANYMORE. BUT I'M READY FOR COLLEGE NOW. WHY? BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW TO GOOF OFF? IF YOU WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE, YOU'VE GOT TO EARN THAT. ÷FACE IT. YOU BLEW IT. BE A PAL, MRS. GARRETT. I MEAN, PUT YOURSELF IN MY PLACE. OK. LET'S SEE. I'VE GOTTEN A WARNING FROM THE HEADMASTER, MY GRADES ARE IN THE CELLAR, I'VE INSULTED MY BEST FRIENDS-- I DON'T WANT TO BE IN YOUR PLACE. NEITHER DO I. THEY HATE ME AS MUCH AS I THINK? WELL, RIGHT NOW... YES. SINCE WE'RE NOT SPEAKING, I WON'T TELL THEM ABOUT LANGLEY. THEY'LL GET SUSPICIOUS WHEN THEY SEE YOU'VE STOPPED SWAGGERING. I WILL GIVE THEM THE NEWS AND APOLOGIZE AT DINNER. IT'S IMPOLITE TO CALL SOMEONE A SLIME WHEN YOUR MOUTH IS FULL. I'LL TELL THEM NOW. TELL US WHAT? OH, TOOTIE, MY WORLD HAS CRUMBLED AROUND ME. MY GRADES ARE IN THE TOILET, I CAN'T GO TO LANGLEY NEXT YEAR, AND NOW I REALIZE WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME-- MY FRIENDS. I KNOW I CAN COUNT ON YOU IN MY HOUR OF NEED. DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH, BOZO! ÷TOOTIE! BLAIR, JO, NATALIE BOMBED OUT! TOOTIE! SHE CAN'T GO TO LANGLEY! ABOUT TIME SHE'S CUT DOWN! YOU HAVE A SKUNK'S SENSITIVITY! THEY DON'T CALL ME PEPE LE PEW FOR NOTHING. FUNDS FOR CAPTIONING THIS PROGRAM PROVIDED BY AETNA LIFE AND CASUALTY CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC. PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1983 EMBASSY TELEVISION