30 Rock S2E4 - English Transcript

It is with great pleasure I would like to announce that the recipient of this year's prestigious ge follohip award is none other than our very own. liz lemon. Wait,how could liz win a fellowship award? She doesn't like people. No,followship. Presented annually to the woman. sorry,person,who best exemplifies a foller. I'm not a follower. It also comes with ten grand. I accept this proudly on behalf of followers everywhere. When I think of the free. spirited liz lemon I met just one year ago. So resistant to product integration,cross. It pleases me to see how well she's learned to follow. Uh,is this because of that ge sketch? He has a microwave for a head! But it's such an excellent ge microwave. You said i didn't have a choice. So what are you gonna do with your money,put it into a 401k? Yeah,I gotta get one of those. What? Where do you invest your mo ms. -*** -*** ***I can't believe how fast you lost the weight. If I can't be monique fat,I have to be teri hatcher thin. Either way,you're laughin'. My uniform! Let me get that off. Turn around. It just needs a little bit of water. Oh,god,it hurts! You're honestly telling me you don't know who rosemary howard is. Is she one of the ladies who tried to shoot gerald ford? No!She's the first female writer for laugh. in. She wrote all the political stuff for donnie and marie. I grew up idolizing her comedy. Pardon me. Pardon me. Pardon me! Pardon you? You were already pardoned! It's funny 'cause it's true. Hi,I don't wanna sound like a weirdo fan�� but Iam obsessed with everything you have ever done. And I used to make my friends act out your skits the next day. When I say my friends,I mean my fisher price. my friend dolls. Because I didn't have a lot of friends. Oh,boy. *** You're gonna kill me,aren't you? No,that's. Oh,you are great! I grew up wanting to be you. I grew up wanting to be samantha stevens on bewitched. Closest I got was being married to a gay guy for two years. Oh,thank you. Um,you are my heroine. And by heroine,I mean lady hero. I don't wanna inject you and listen to jazz. Good lord. - Are you hungry? - Always. Well,I'm gonna let you take me to lunch later and get all this out of your system. That would be great. I would love that. But you're supposed to take me hat shopping. Hey jack! Could you hold on a second? If you desecrate something,is that bad? Tracy,what happened now? I doubt if anybody noticed. Who brought stars and bright stars to the party last night for the rascals we fought who wouldhave ever known there was so many words? It was like a mos def cd. Tracy,it's all right. You're a star,you can do whatever you want to. That's your job. It's our job to make it go away. I love this country. You go forth and be crazy. I think I can manage that. You do anything you wanna do. Except no dog fighting,okay? That seems to be the one thing that's off limits these days. What's on your mind,tray? You've been curiously quiet for 20 minutes. We gotta start doing dog fights. Dog fighting? I know it's repulsive and hideous. But it's the only thing jack donaghy told me I cannot do. So I gotta do it!Understand? No no no no no no no! Dog fighting is the most disgusting,vile thing a human being can do. You cannot do it! Dog fighting it is. Make it happen. Man,this is phil spector's entourage all over again. And his foot lingered. Ah,that is such an upsetting story. I'll never watch happy days the same way again. But you know,I miss live tv. It's like sex,you know? It's almost better when everything goes horribly wrong. Well,you know,we do hire guest writers every now and then. I mean,I don't know if that'S. something you would ever be interested in. That'd be great. God,I haven't been in that building in so long. Does everyone still do blow in joe garagiola's office? Which one is blow again?Is that ***? Hello?Where's the head page? You may enter. You're a machine. No,I wish. This is a prop from the classic nbc series supercomputer. Look,you obviously know who I am. But what you don't know is that I accidentally damaged kenneth parcell's page jacket and. Really? Mr. Perfect,Mr. Jesus loves me parcell finally messed up? Do you know how long i've been waiting to transfer that thumbhead to cnbc in paramus,new jersey? But you can't transfer someone without a demerit. - But now. - oh,boy. Here's what we're gonna do. You've probably never seen *** before. So I'm gonna lean over this desk,and you're gonna give me a new page jacket. Please,I breast fed 'til I was 11. So I've forgotten more about a woman's chest than you'll ever know. But. I'm on tv. I said,"good day. " No,you didn'T. Well,I meant to. Kenneth parcell is finished. Finished! All right,what's in the news this week,everybody? Any ideas? I have an idea. We open on a new orleans abortion clinic. A beautiful mulatto. uh,I don't think we're allowed to use any of those words. Why not? It's live television. I mean,we used to say And . no,you didn'T. -Did you? -We did. We pushed the envelope. Remember. the mailbox sketch that shocked america? There's nothing wrong here. Don't you get it? The mailbox was haldeman. Is that a person who lived? What about race? I mean,I say that is the last taboo. We get josh in blackface,right? And then we get tracy to call him a ! I'd watch that. No no,you can't do race stuff on tv. It's too sensitive. We would have done that on the mandrell sisters! Look,I want the show to be edgy too. I mean,but my boss,jack donaghy. let me talk to him. - I am great with suits. - No,we don't talk to him. Liz,you're not a cog in their machine. I know. I'm not some. follower. I just. we are very subversive on this show. Frank,what do you have this week? Uh,barry the *** dog is shopping for a ge washer and dryer. Have not seen that before. Sharp idea. Yo,I got the dogs outside. Well,bring them in! I feel sick to my stomach about dog fighting. But what can you do when they tell you not to? This could get ugly. What? No! You idiots! I built a dog fighting pit in my basement for this? Tracy. Can I speak with you privately? Tray,what's the one thing i asked you not to do? That 227 movie new jackee city? Dog fighting! What is it about your wiring that compels you to do exactly what you're asked not to? I don't know. Always been this way. Tracy,don't play with matches! You're not my dad! Tracy,don't stare directly at the sun. It'll make you crazy. You're not my dad. Tracy,you're not going out the house dressed like that. You're not my dad. I'm beginning to think this has something to do with your dad. You're not my dad! You can't tell me what it's about. Hey,props gave me a bunch of dog penises for you to look at. Oh,great,thanks. Liz! Your grandmother is in jack's office. You better do something. Nana lemon?That's weird. Oh,no. Rosemary. Lemon,rosemary here was just telling me some of her fantastic sketch ideas. Liz,he totally gets it. He understands that what we do is far more important than what they do. I do. I really do get it. Rosemary,thank you so very much. Oh,no,my pleasure. What a pleasure. What fun catching up with you. You too. - You take care now. - You too. Fire her. And don't ever make me talk to a woman that old again. I can't fire rosemary. Yes,you can. It's easy. Observe. Jonathan,you're fired! What? No! God,no! No,I won't fire her. It's mean. And I like her. And she's right,we should be pushing the envelope. Oh,god. Push the envelope. People who don't have the guts or the brains to work inside the system. Letter writers,radicals,howard dean. You just don't get her. You're like the talking mailbox. I'm going to assume that's a haldeman reference. In which case,I thank you. I got into this business to be like rosemary. To make people think. No. No no no,lemon. You got into this business because you're funny and you're weird and you're socially retarded. And you also got into it because it pays well,which means you are not like rosemary; you are like me. No,I'm not. You are a suit. You feed off the creativity and hard work of other people and turn it into commercials and pie charts and triangle graphs. What's a triangle graph? I don't know! It sounded real. -This is my show. -No,this is my show. And once a week I rent it out to the good people at the erectile dysfunction companies. Be that as it may,rosemary is my idol. And if you wanna get rid of her,then you will fire me also. suck it up,nerd. Oh,my god! Rosemary,that was such a rush standing up to jack like that. And I never would have done it if it weren't for you. I am so proud of you! He heard you roar and now things are gonna change around here. Jack says you're both fired. Yes! Hey tray,whatcha doing? Just some heavy thinking. This spotlight is the only place that I could go to get away from it all. You know,tray,I get this dad thing. I mean my father belongs in the smiling irish *** hall of fame. And the pent. up,unresolved anger i have toward him,it still overwhelms me. You've got to learn to forgive. But how do I forgive someone that I don't know? Boy,if I could just talk to him once. Just once. Tracy,we're gonna do this together. You've got to get into therapy. I don't need therapy. I'm just mentally ill. Tracy,what if I told you that the one thing you cannot do is therapy? You're not my dad! We're doing therapy! All right,thank you. Good. bye. Kenneth,I may have made a mistake. -I was talking to donnie. -donnie? Head page donnie lawson,the king of sting? What did you do? I was just trying to make things right. Nice jacket,parcell. I hope that it and you will be very unhappy at cnbc for the next year. Of course,there is one other choice. A page. off. A page. off? It's a savage contest. Mixing physical stamina with nbc trivia. What's a page. off? You wanna page. off? I don't know what kind of corporate mind games he's playing. But if jack thinks i'm crawling back there. oh,screw him. But now that you're free,we can work on something together! Yeah,we can start our own network called *** tv! Or the second idea that we think of. Look,when we get back to my place,we start banging out some ideas. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. What neighborhood is this? Oh,they call it little chechnya. So gritty and real. More murders per capita than detroit. Try not to write when you're living here. Is that guy carrying a gun? Yeah,but don't worry. He's not a cop. Hey,tracy,this is susanne hawker,the nbc therapist. Who's crazier,me or anne curry? Hello,tracy. Jack informed me of the talk you had earlier. And if you don't mind,I'd like to hop right in and start with some role play. Like my wife and I do? Cool. Donaghy,you play the matador. Uh,no,tracy. What I want you to do is talk to that empty chair as if your father were sitting there,okay? Man,this is stupid! Come on,tracy. We're here to help you. Uh,tracy,maybe it will help if jack sits in the chair and pretends to be your father. I wanna talk to you,son. You sound nothing like my dad. Well,where is he from? All I know is he's from funky north philly. He worked in a campbell's soup factory. And he had a droopy lip due to an unattended root canal. I think I can do this. Okay,go. I'm mad at you,dad. Hey,dummy! I'm mad at you too. -Uh,that's not exactly what I had in. -'cause you left me,dad! I was young and confused and your moms didn't want me around no more. Now,pass me them damn collard greens! Is this true,mom? He gambled away my welfare check. Woman,I got a mind to smack you upside the head. -Uh,this is not helpful. -Be me now. I only act out because I want your love! Dyn. o. mite! I think we're just doing good times now. Now do the white dude that my moms left my dad for. Uh,now,see here,tracy. It's impolite to slurp one's soup. Whoa,no need to resort to ugly stereotypes. You always gonna be my son. Tracy,just because i stopped loving your dad,doesn't mean we stopped loving you. Stop puttin' words in my mouth,woman! Oye,papi,kayate! People are sleeping! Mind your own damn business,mrs. Rodriguez! All right,this is ridiculous. Lady,just because i'm an ignorant black man. And you paid me a nickel to bust up your chifforobe,doesn't give you the right to call me ridiculous just 'cause I'm proud of my son. They got me. The honkeys shot me. No,dad! Don't die! I love you,dad! I don't wanna dog fight no more! Tracy,that's it! That's it! Thank you for showing me there really is love in my family after all. And I need to stay the hell away from them. Donaghy,you're the only family I need,jackie D. You got that right,tray. You know,it's too bad you didn't know howard cosell when you were growing up. 'Cause I had that one in my pocket the whole time. There we are. Oh,crapballs! What was that? Okay,let's find a pen and start that screenplay. This movie is gonna knock them on their ***. Right. What's it about? Women in their 50s go on spring break and get laid by a bunch of grateful 18. year. olds. Oh,god. Yeah,exactly. I predict opening weekend,a million dollars. Have you been drinking wine all day? Oh,it's heart healthy. -All day? -Oh,come on,liz. It's the '90s! Did an f train just go by your window? I know that look. Don't even think about jumping for that train. You know,I think i should go home before it gets dark. You can't abandon me,liz. You are me. No,I'm not you. Really? You pick up guys that are smart and funny. You're never gonna get married,liz. You're married to your job. Oh,my god. I lost my job. You're just like me. You get up in the morning and smoke weed. -no,I don'T. -You obsess about the jamaican man across the hall. Oh,my god. I lost my job. You wouldn't have a job if it wasn't for me. I broke barriers for you. I really have to go. I sat around while my junk went bad. All for you. I didn't have any kids. You're my kid! -You're my kid that never calls! -yikes. Help me,liz lemon! You're my only hope! Okay,which nbc series spun off,among others,cosby,miami vice,cheers,and highway to heaven? -Supercomputer! -Oh,you're gonna do great! Ready! Page. off,page. off Come on,kenneth! You can do it! Hey! What the hell is going on down here? The phones are ringing off the hook,there's no one seating the conan audience! Get to back to work,you morons! Pete,wait. You don't understand. I ruined kenneth's jacket and he needs to get a new one,but can't have any demerits,so we have to have a page. off. what,are you kidding me? This is a billion dollar company! Demerits? Donnie,give kenneth a damn jacket! This isn't over between us,moroney. You're in it now. It's finally over,ms. Moroney. Yes. And it's hard to even remember how it all began. You burnt my jacket. All right,I need my job back. But this is not crawling,this is proud begging,like those kids that dance on the subway. Of course you can have your job back,lemon. Oh,thank god. It was terrible. I went to her apartment. I don't think she has a toilet. I saw my future,jack. Never go with a hippie to a second location. I can't end up like that. I have got to make money and save it. And I have to do that thing that rich people do where they turn money into more money. Can you teach me how to do that? With my eyes closed. Oh,good,because I want to send rosemary $400 a month for. forever. You should,that woman is unemployable. Rosemary says that women become obsolete in this business when there's no one left that wants to see them naked. You make enough money,you can pay people to look at you naked. To the future,lemon. Oh,and by the way,ge has a problem with the dog *** sketch. I'll change it. Hey,what about cat penises?