Badults S1E6 - English Transcript

This programme contains very strong language Always fooling around When we were young Time flies so fast When you're having fun Don't wanna get old I never wanna grow up. What were Furbies all about? They were crazy! No, no, I don't think I remember the Macarena. Oh, I remember it! The Macarena! It was crazy! The 1990s were a time of great seismic political shifts. The tinderbox that was the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait, the complexity of the Balkan conflict and Sorry? Oh. Oh, yes, I see. Shell suits. What was going on there? They were crazy! Imagine being alive in the 1990s. It must have been incredible. Oh, God, why are we remembering Global Hypercolor T-shirts? Yeah! Why remember something when it never went out of style in the first place? The only thing these shows make me nostalgic for is the days that they made decent telly. It makes it seem like we spent ten years listening to Cotton Eye Joe. I mean, why would anyone want to remember? Oh, my God! Pogs! Pogs? Oh, man, the playground craze that took the '90s by storm! Do you know, I still have my prize folder of original Pogs. Is it next to your prize certificate for being an original loser? What's the point in hanging on to a load of useless cardboard circles? Despite being dismissed by many as useless cardboard circles, they are now collectors' items and can sell for thousands of pounds. Thousands of pounds?! Oh, my God! Apparently, a complete collection of mint condition Pogs sold recently for £500,000. Just think what we could buy with £500,000! You could buy a complete collection of mint condition Pogs! Well, you won't find mintier than these. Never been played with. I always knew there were benefits to being ***. Don't even bother, Ben! Yay! No, wait! There's one missing. What? That's impossible. They must be still worth quite a lot! Of course, if even just one of these Pogs is missing, the entire collection is worthless. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a *** idiot. A bit harsh! But I definitely collected that final Pog. It was red and black with a silver stripe. It was the first week of school. If only I could remember what happened to that Pog. If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe I'd have been married long time ago Where did you come from? Where did you go? Somebody save me! Agh! Ha! Huh, huh, huh! Ha! The Power Rangers! Hey there, little man. What seems to be the problem? There's a big scary bully trying to get all of my pocket money off of me! ***! I knew you weren't a Power Ranger. Why are you dressed like that? When they said we had games on Thursday, I thought we got to pick the game. Oh, great! You're not going to save me from the bully! Oh, no! That's him! Hey, bully! Leave this kid alone! I'm not a bully! You were trying to get my pocket money off of me. I was just trying to get you to invest in my pyramid scheme. Oh, where loads of people put in money at the base and the top people cream off the profit? No, where we save up together and buy a pyramid! A pyramid? I'm in! Here's £2. Oh! A fat quid? Brill! I'm Tom. I'm a ledge. I'm Matthew. I'm not a ledge. I'm Ben. When I was a baby, I fell off a ledge. I've heard about you. They say, if you give him something shiny, he'll eat it. Hey! Nice bum bag. It's not a bum bag, it's my Pogtainer. And with this final Pog, I'll have completed my set. No-one likes Pogs any more! Pogs are sad. In my gang, we're into friendship bracelets. Wow! That's loads! How many friends are in this gang? Just me. But I'm really good at making friendship bracelets. Can we be in your gang? Hmm You'll have to pass some kind of test. Let me think. What's wrong with your yo-yo? It bends off to the left. I knew this costume was too revealing. No! The yo-yo! It just needs a weight on the other side. Something like this. Isn't that your final Pog? Ben, sit on this. I like your ideas, Matthew. And your beard! So thick on one so young! It works! Now, what's this test? No need for a test. You've both already passed. Matthew, you'll be the brains. And, Ben, you'll be the, er buttocks! I'll teach you the secret handshake. It needs a bit of work. I used to carry that yo-yo everywhere! I had it with me when I broke my arm. When I got hit by that bus. And when I saw my grandfather fall from a fifth-floor window into a wood-chipper. It was sort of like a good luck charm. Go and get it! Dressing as the blue Power Ranger for PE? Ha! What an idiot! Everyone knows the red one's the fastest. It'll be in here. This box contains my happiest memories. Wrong box. This box contains my happiest memories. Here it is. We're rich! Yay! Wait a minute! It's still bent off to the left. The Pog isn't here! It must have come off! Well, where is it? I'll search these magazines. No! Give me a minute. I can remember this. The last time this yo-yo worked properly was Well, it must've been the last day of school. Dude! We still need to work on that secret handshake. I thought you were getting your shirt signed by all your friends? I did. Mrs Coulson? Yeah. The best librarian I've ever known. What do you think of this? You've gotta watch what you do with your hair, Tom, it'll fall out. That's not going to happen! Tom! You told me the last day of school was fancy dress! It is. Look, Matthew's come dressed as Harry Potter. Eh-oh! I can't believe it's the last day of school. Just think, seven years ago, we were in this room, we couldn't spell, we could barely write, we couldn't read. Yeah. Nothing changes. Hey. Remember our promise - when we're older, we're all going to live together. I dunno, guys. I'm off to university. The next time you see me, I'll have joined the upper echelons of academia. You might find it intimidating hanging out with a guy who's been to Grimsby Technical College. What's your plan, Tom? I'm off to see the world. I read this incredible book that inspired me to travel, to really get out on the road. Ooh, Jack Kerouac? No, it was an A to Z. I've got big plans. Mum says I've got to tidy my room this Saturday. And then the world is my oyster. Ben's like me. We're studying at the University of Life. Actually, Tom this came this morning. I've been rejected from the University of Life. Hey, guys. Eugh! Can I sign your leavers' books? No! They're for school leavers, not school losers. Come on, guys, let's head to the dinner hall, y'all. I didn't know this place had a dinner hall! Can't believe I found out on the last day of school. Yes, Ben, the dinner hall, just past the toilets. Toilets?! Tom, can I talk to you for a second? Matthew tells me you're going travelling the world. I've booked myself a one-way ferry ticket to Calais. Then who knows? First Europe. Then Asia. Maybe swing over to Latin America, see how those amigos are doing. Oh! Well, I'm going to miss you, like, loads and stuff so I was wondering, well, maybe you'd give me something to remember you by? Remember me with that, all right? Tom, quick! We just heard a rumour - they're going to egg all the sad kids! I can't wait to see this! - Sad kids! Sad kids! Sad kids! - Sad kids! Sad kids! Sad kids! This is incredible news! Yeah! Rachel you fancied me! That was years ago. I was, like, 14. God, I wish you were still 14. No No, that came out wrong. The Pog's on the denim jacket. Do you still have it? Give me ten minutes. Ten minutes? Sounds about right. No! You're going to stay right here. If you insist. Whoa! Right, so this is all my old clothes. The jacket must be in here somewhere. Rachel, did you actually used to wear this? Yeah, yeah Yeah, Rachel used to wear it. Here it is! We're rich! Yay! Wait. The Pog's not on here. It must be. It was definitely there last time I wore it. It was at the house-warming party for this place. Remember? You look happy. How could I not be? I'm moving into a flat with my two favourite people in the world - my sister and my girlfriend. I hope Fiona doesn't mind me living with you. Of course not. Fiona loves you. Rachel, I've labelled all the food in the fridge so you won't "accidentally" use some of our margarine like you did this morning. I'm sorry, Fiona. It was only one piece of toast. Oh, God, yeah, it's fine. I'm not the housemate from hell, am I? Just buy us another tub. Right, now I kinda need to talk to my boo-boo, so if you could shoo-shoo. Don't worry, I suddenly really need a drink. It's a great party, isn't it? Look at all these people. Matthew, these are all Rachel's friends. Where are yours? I'm sure they'll be here soon, dear. Love you. Not in front of everybody. And don't slouch. Ooh! That'll be them now. Whoo-hoo! Brokeback Mountain! Get it? Ben, this isn't a fancy dress party. I know. So, how's uni? Settling in all right? Ben, I've graduated. It's been three years. Three years?! I need to get this back to Blockbuster. So, what have you been up to? Well, I've got my own place, a degree, a girlfriend. You? I'm your girlfriend? No, what have you been up to? Oh! Lots of stuff. This took me a good couple of days. And this weekend, I'm finally going to tidy my room. Matthew, some of Rachel's friends are drinking our lemonade. It's clearly labelled. Howdy. What's your name? Ben it's me. Rachel! You look so different! I can't keep up with all this change. I wish Tom was still here. Oh, me too. It's incredible what he's doing - travelling the world. I often think of him - rugged, handsome, his long hair flowing in the wind as he hikes down the Great Wall of China. The Great Wall of China? Come on, Rachel! That was knocked down in 1989. Er, Rachel, Fiona would like you to explain to your friends about the importance of coasters. Jai-ho! Tom! You're back! I return from my travels. And I come bearing gifts. Ben, this is for you. And, Matthew, these are for you. So, tell us all about your adventures. Such sights, such smells, such special offers. The duty-free at Calais is incredible. Oh, God, you never left the duty-free! You've never seen Toblerone so big. Hey, Rachel's here. She'll be delighted to see you. Rachel! Oh, dear. Has she still got her little teenage crush on me? Tom! Oh, my God! Oh my God! You're not how I remember you at all. I was about to say exactly the same thing. Guys you must meet my girlfriend. Fiona, this is Tom and Ben, my oldest and dearest pals. Tom's just come back from Calais. Imagine the biggest bottle of Malibu you've ever seen. Now double it. You're still not even close. He's blowing my mind. Come on, Matthew, I want to dance. Fiona seems a bit Of a ***. Yeah, she is. What does Matthew even see in her? Missy be puttin' it down I'm the hottest round I told y'all mother Y'all can't stop me now Listen to me now I'm lasting 20 rounds And if you want me Now I really need a drink. Your wish is my giant bottle of Malibu. No, thanks, Tom. If I drank all of this, I might do something really stupid. Where am I? Oh. Oh, my God. Er Listen, Tom, I was drunk and Ben?! Oh, ***. "Never tell anyone about this, or else! "PS, you should really tidy this room." I can't believe you've slept with Rachel! I can't believe you told them! You took advantage of me when I was drunk! You took advantage of ME when I was drunk! Why did no-one take advantage of ME? I was drunk! It's fine. Honestly. I'm fine. Just going to go and get a drink. You massive BLEEP! You ginormous BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP! You heart wa BLEEP! You horse lasagne! You BLEEP ***! Well, ha-ha, let's not worry about the past. Let's focus on the present. What's pinned to that headboard is worth a fortune. Did you bring it with you when you moved in? Yes. Go and get it! Just the Pog, I mean, not the whole headboard. Here it is! We're rich! Yeah! But it's not on here. What? Maybe I tidied it away. Be serious, Ben. When was the last time you had that Pog? Well must have been four years ago. It was the day Tom and I moved into this flat. Maybe I'm out of touch, but I just don't get modern music. That's more like it. I'd been married long time ago Where did you come from? Where did you go? Ben, watch your feet on the stairs. I dropped something, so there's some water and some glass and a goldfish. Dude-decahedron! Hey, housemate! I shouldn't have boxed up all my other clothes. Whoa! Listen, I'm sorry Fiona split up with you, but it does mean we get to fulfil our pact and all live together. Ha! Besides, you're better off without her. That girl was a complete bi bibbity bobbity boo! Fiona! You're still here! Perfect. Just two of the many reasons I'm leaving you. Well, now you can live with your pathetic school friends and never grow up. Brilliant! Cheer up. How about we put some music on and you can have a dance? Missy be puttin' it down I'm the hottest round I'm going through a difficult break-up! Worth a try. I'll be back tomorrow, Matthew, for the rest of my stuff, which is clearly labelled. Rachel! Well, that's me moved out of my room. Sorry, but it still smells a bit of my perfume. Bagsy my room! Ben. Rachel. Um Listen Um Rachel! I have got you a brilliant house-leaving present. So, this one must be my room. Ooh! It's going to need a tidy. Oh, I'm going to miss living with you, Matthew. But I'll call you in the week. You thought any more about that internship at Carabine Promotions? I think I can do a little bit better than a temp job at your office. Don't forget, I almost got a 2:2 in Leisure and Tourism. Ta-dah! Oh, Tom! It's so big. Oh, better go. Andrew's waiting outside. Who's Andrew? The removal man? No, Tom! Andrew's my boyfriend. Bye, guys. Now that I'm living here, nothing can hold me back. Who knows where life will take me? I can't believe that was four years ago. I need to tidy that room. Still, it was fun remembering things, wasn't it? What? The Pog! You haven't remembered the Pog. Oh, yeah. I was just getting to that. Who knows where life will take me? Hm! So, it was under this table all along! We're rich! It's not here. Can I trust anything you say any more? Wait. This isn't the same table. That table was Fiona's. She came back the next day to pick it up with the rest of her clearly labelled stuff. Well, then you need to phone Fiona. D'you know what? I'm not that bothered about these Pogs after all. Oh, come on, Matthew! Matthew! All right, all right! I can't do it. Rachel, you answer it. I can't answer it. She hates me. Tom Don't look at me. I'll get it. What? You said it was knight-time. Ben, you look fantastic. Knight-time. Huh! Yeah. Matthew, it's so good to see you. You look great. Rachel! You look more beautiful than ever. Tom! Hello! Fiona, you're you're really nice! Come in. Oh! I love what you've done with the place. Yeah, I think might owe you all an apology for the way I used to treat you all. I guess back then I I might have been a bit of a ***. No! I was just so unhappy. But I sorted myself out. I went to a therapist who told me the whole time I was dating Matthew I was just massively sexually unfulfilled. Huh! Let's have a look at this table, eh, shall we? Before we do that there's someone very special I'd like you to meet. Matthew, this is Martin. You should have told me. It's not time to make a change Just relax, take it easy You're still young that's your fault There's so much you have to know Find a girl And this is my husband, Marcus. Well, Fiona, you've certainly got a type. You must be Matthew. I've heard all about you. I was Fiona's therapist. And let me tell you, I I really got to the root of the problem. Christ alive, mate, your kid's right there! Now, Matthew, I can't sell you our old coffee table. You can just have it. It's been so lovely to see you all again. Come on, Martin, let's get you to your dance class. And then we'll get Mummy home for a little therapy session. Oh! Eurgh! We did it! We're rich! Yeah! And all it cost us was our friendship. Oh Come on, mate. Tom, get over it. We were drunk. It was just meaningless, wild sex. Yeah. And only once. Most of the night we were just cuddling. Aarrrrghhhh! How long before those two get together? All done? The Pog! This time, we really are rich! My collection is complete. Hang on. There's an identical one right next to it. Oh, God! I've remembered the wrong Pog! This wasn't the final Pog. This was a swapsy. What did the other Pog look like? It was a shiny. A silver shiny. And what happened to it? They say if you give him something shiny, he'll eat it. Hey! Nice bum bag. It's not a bum bag, it's my Pogtainer. Pogs? Shiny! I've got no idea what happened to that shiny Pog. Well I guess we'll never know. I suppose what we've learnt from this episode is you can't live in the past, so it's important to forgive and forget. And finally, they don't make 'em like they used to. If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe I'd been married long time ago Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe? If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe I'd been married long time ago Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe? If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe I'd been married long time ago Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe? If it hadn't been for Cotton Eye Joe I'd been married long time ago Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe?