Veep S1E3 - English Transcript

Did you see that caption underneath the photo of me from the Hennessy fundraiser? "Who's the real first lady?" Sexist ***. Can't get drawn into it. Comparing our clothing budgets and our stylists Like that's all we care about? And that Mark Rivera called me a diva in his column. Stupid *** midget. Clearly he hasn't heard you sing. The guy's a ***. Gary, did you find me a dog yet? Yeah, I selected a few candidates. Or should I say canine-didates? No, you shouldn't say that. - Let me see. - What do you think of that? - A terrier? - Yeah. No way. A terrier is a diva dog. Forget it. I don't need a ball of yappy hair *** its body weight every 30 minutes. Do you want a cat? I can get you a cat. No, no. I feel like a bad mom, you know? 'Cause I never let Catherine get a dog when she was little. This is a fresh start for us. It's parental ground zero. Look at this. Congratulations. Thank you. I didn't think you guys would eat the pineapple. Listen, you're a dog person, right? - What kind of dog do you have? - I have a real dog. Simon, black labrador. Simon? What an unbelievable name. I guess he just looked like a Simon. Go on, get the photo out, Mike. I don't think we need to see the photo. I'd love to see a photo. - Sure. - Let me see. Such a shiny coat, no? How do you get that coat so shiny, Mike? Keep him hydrated. Lots of water. - You know? - To drink or applied directly to the coat? Leave my fake dog alone. You know, I was just thinking, maybe we should get a rescue dog 'cause it'll play great. As long as it's not one of those animals with three legs and a wheel. - Yeah. - Four legs good, three legs bad. - I got it. - Whassup, as they say in the late '90s? Hey, Jonah. Did the President cancel the Chinese premier - to come to my 20th party? - No, ma'am. Although I'm sure he wouldn't miss it for the world if it weren't for the fact that he runs the world. I'm sure his absence has nothing to do with your rift with the first lady. What? There is no rift. It was one tiny, little disagreement and everyone's making it out like we had a catfight in the map room or something. She'd be a rough fighter, though. She's got big shoulders. Those aren't pads. Ma'am, potus also wanted to know when you would be announcing the oil guy that's gonna be going on the clean jobs task force. - This bozo Mike's on it. - So today? Tomorrow? Blink if you understand me, Mike. And as regards to the rift rumors, I'll keep my ear to the ground for you. Be careful your ears don't pop on the way down. Okay, can everybody come in here, please? - Sure. - Come on. Right, we're gonna have to shut down this story about me and the first lady. I mean, it means we're gonna have to undiva my party. We're gonna have to lose those huge photos of me. - No, I like those. - I know, they're great photos. I know, but there's no way we can have them. It's a good idea. We don't want you to look like Stalin. I was gonna say Eva Peron. Yeah, I prefer that comparison. Less of a mustache. And you know what, actually? She was kind of chic. - Gorgeous. - Mmhmm. Looks like Madonna. Yeah. Mike, have you announced Chuck yet? - I'm still working on it, Amy. - Come on. - This is not the Hoover dam. - Yeah, it is the Hoover dam Filled with ***. And when we announce Chuck Furnham, an ex-oil guy, on the clean jobs task force, do you know what happens with all that ***, Amy? Does it get used in a clumsy and unpleasant analogy by you? Look, Amy, oil already hates me 'cause we're closing their tax loopholes and making them pay for cleanup, so now I'm eating everyone's ***. I'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this. And there it is. We just got to put one guy on clean jobs. Chuck's oily, but he's not evil oily. - He's ex-oil. - Yeah, you put it out today. Today? Half of D. C. is at Senator Reeves' dedication ceremony. Well, then you put it out there. I thought it might be disrespectful, but you're right. He was rapey Reeves. When was that guy ever respectful? Okay, your daughter gets here in two hours. God, today feels like the perfect storm, doesn't it? Yeah, hurricane Selina. Yeah. Uh oh, wait a minute. Does that exist, hurricane Selina? - I don't - Can we run a check on that? I'm binging it. Too full. Dan and Jonah out, please. And just so you know, this is also what would happen if we were in a lifeboat. You're not gonna believe this. Selina is on next year's list of hurricanes. ***! What if it hits and we get headlines saying "Selina causing large-scale devastation"? People won't equate you with a natural disaster, ma'am. Really, Amy? 'Cause I've met some people, okay? Real people, and I've got to tell you, a lot of them are *** idiots. Oh my God. Do you see this? The Senator Reeves Recreation Center. Did you know old grandpa fumblepants couldn't even swim? He would just hang out in the shallow end and stare. You know what his favorite stroke was? - Was it *** stroke? - It was *** stroke. Widow, widow, widow. - He was such a wonderful man. - Thank you so much, Selina. Look at him here. He is so happy. I'm sorry about your feud with the first lady. You know Is it true that she stole your stylist? No. You know, the newspapers just make Sorry, ma'am. This is the President calling. - It just can't wait. - I have to take this. - Will you excuse me? - Go ahead. Hello? Yes. Hi, Mr. President. F. Y. I. , ma'am, the President is not calling. - F. Y. I. , Gary, no ***. - Okay. - Is Chuck announced yet? - I'm waiting for the perfect time, okay? You are like a Earlobe you're just there, just wobbling. - Doyle is right there. - I know. - Do it now. - I will. - Senator Doyle. - Stop. - Mike wanted a word, if you don't mind. - Mike McClintock. - You are well? - Yes, sir. Very good, sir. Holy ***. These mushrooms are amazing. - What is it, Mike? - Must be ricotta or something in there. - That's funny. - Yeah. - Goody, I love humor. - Yeah. - I have a hypothetical for you. - Okay. What would you say if we announced Chuck Furnham to the clean jobs task force? - Furnham? - Yeah, Chuck. Well, that would be a betrayal from the veep. Not necessarily. So I imagine that I would mix ape *** with bat ***, raise it to a whole new level of fury, then I'd probably rip your face off and use your eye sockets as a sex toy. It's just a hypothetical like yours. Chuck would just be token oil. Oil would think he's their trojan horse, he'd be a hollow horse. Not a hollow horse. That's a trojan horse. He'd be a hollow trojan horse, sir. I was promised no one from oil. - Chuck's not oil. He retired a year ago. - Yeah, from oil. - Now I *** want to speak to the Vice President. - Okay. Hurricane forecast is looking good, and your daughter's just arrived at the office. - Great, that's our cue. - Hallowes, hurricane Hallowes. - Hi. Hello. - Barbara. Hello. I am so sorry, Senator Hallowes. - The President is calling. - Oh dear. I'm sorry. Excuse me just for one second. Listen, while you take your fake phone call, is it okay if I steal Dan for a second? Or should I say steal Dan back? Could you hold on just one second? You know what? Actually, this phone call is not fake. And Dan is his own man. He can go wherever he wants. - Okay. This way, Dan. - I'm sorry to keep you holding, Mr. President. You know who's a *** diva? That's a *** diva. That one. - So how's college? - It's good. You know, except for the whole secret service detail, I think I'm actually - Office of the Vice President. - Starting to blend in. No, at lunchtime she eats lunch. Good-bye. Have you chosen a new dog yet? What dog? Your mom is getting a dog. Apologies if that was a secret. Office of the Vice President. You dumped my daughter by text and didn't even apologize. No, I did. I signed off with colon open brackets. Listen, is Selina really trying to appease the oil lobby with Chuck Furnham? I suppose Chuck could be viewed as a gesture. Chuck is a gesture all right. Do you know what these oil wise guys call him? They call him "who the *** is Chuck Furnham?" Chuck Furnham's at 12:15. Now he's at 12:00. Now he's here. - Madam Vice President. - Chuck! How are you? I was promised movement on the clean jobs. Yes. Between us, we might possibly make your announcement today. - Yes. Yes. - Yes. Right. - Fantastic. - My. - Thank you, ma'am. - And, you know, I've been thinking ever since I saw them, - your grandchildren, Marion and - Richard. Yes, Richard. And I have some vice presidential M&Ms that I would love for them to have. You see the seal right there? Except we'll need another one because there are two grandchildren. - I'm out. - You're out? - I'm out. - Well, that's a shame. I don't know how that happened. Okay. - Thank you so much. - You're so welcome. Wake up, Dan. This is oil. You nominate Chuck Furnham, and these guys will *** take his head off with a shovel. Selina needs to find somebody else. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. Carol Hallowes, hi. Mrs. Reeves, I am so sorry for your loss. Your husband was a massive player. Politically speaking, of course. I'm Jonah. - I work at the White House. - Are you okay, ma'am? I'm sorry. I didn't even realize. Are you okay? Could you please get me a glass of water? You know what? There aren't any waiters, at least that I've seen. Jonah, would you please get her a glass of water? Absolutely. Of course. Of course. I guess all those tears must be dehydrating. I don't think it works like that. You know, I'll just get the water, okay? ***-blocking widow. Senator Doyle went "black swan" over Chuck. He says we promised him no oil. I implied to Chuck that we would announce today. ***. Is he senile enough to forget? How was Hallowes? "Dan, hi. I hate Chuck Furnham. " Wait, what? Yeah, she's predicting all kinds of backlash from oil. How could oil not like Chuck Furnham? He's not oily enough. Unconnected. For all the reasons that we loved him, they hate him. Okay, so now we have two catch-22 situations simultaneously. Is there even a name for that? - How about catch-44? - Gary. Okay, I'm gonna run it by an oil lobbyist. - Sidney Purcell is right there. - Oh, good. - Do that, Amy. Go. - Okay. Well, most of the party photos need to be removed. I don't know. Use your instincts and your eyes, then your hands and arms. Thank you. It's really nice that my mom's getting a new dog. I always wanted a dog. Catherine, you want some more coffee? No, I'm still drinking this one. You know, you don't have to entertain me. - I'm cool with my own thoughts. - Oh, thank God. 'Cause I'm getting emails like every other heartbeat. Yeah. Hi, Sidney. How are you? Good. You know, full of free shrimp. Here's the thing clean jobs. Clean jobs, yeah. What's going on there? You guys got a name yet? You too afraid of wrecking the earth's resources to print up a press release? I was actually gonna run a name by you. Don't say Chuck Furnham. Do not say Chuck Furnham. If you say Chuck Furnham, I will go into anaphylactic *** shock. - I'm saying Chuck Furnham. - *** hell! Are you kidding me? Chuck Furnham? That's *** official? - Chuck is oil. - No. No, no, hey. I'm sorry, no. He's not oil. He's a *** fossil, but he's not oil. We need somebody who is plugged in. The only thing that Chuck is plugged into is his *** *** bag. Your comments are noted. - Good. I love being noted. - Thank you. - He said *** Chuck. - God. Okay, Chuck is dead and we're gonna just have to keep him quiet because this whole place is swarming with bored reporters who are on pervert memorial duty. So your job, Mike, is to keep him in your sight - until we find a replacement. - Okay, where'd he go? - He must be in the bathroom. - That prostate of his. Get in there, Mike. Go. This in no way will be demeaning. Just pretend you're picking him up, you know, and he's blind. Mayday at 10:00. Senator Doyle is approaching. Sidney Purcell, too, 5:00. Hallowes is in quadrant three right behind you, right behind you. - We've got to get out of here. - Widow walk. People don't shout at you when you're standing next to the dead man's grieving widow. - That's very good. - Mrs. Reeves. Dan Egan, I'm with the Vice President. I just wanted to tell you how much I thought of your husband. Well, thank you. What a handsome young man. - Quite the wilf yourself. - You're back. Yes, I'm back. Unfortunately we're just about to leave. But if you could perhaps walk the Vice President out to her car Delightful. It will give us a chance for some juicy gossip. - Okay. - Now is it true that the first lady calls you creepy veepy? I'm very excited about it. Good-bye. What are you excited about, Chuck? Are you the new face of Louis Vuitton? Have you been telling people about your appointment to clean jobs? What's the problem? The Vice President told me it's as good as announced. As good as announced is not announced. You are as good as dead, but you're not actually dead Not yet. Okay, Doyle and the party hate me because of Chuck and oil hates me because of Chuck. First lady hates you just because you're prettier. Yeah, that's not what we're talking about right now, okay? - Thank you. - You're welcome. I need time. Do I have time? Get me more time. You're supposed to be having lunch with Catherine. - ***! Gary, call Sue. - What do you want me to tell her? Tell her that I'm canceling the lunch that was supposed to prove there's nothing more important than Catherine because something more important than Catherine has come up. - Hi, Sue. - That's okay, Gary. I got all that. - Okay. - Your mom should be here momentarily. - She's - There's my girl! - My college girl. - Hi, mother. Hi, darling. I'm sorry to keep you waiting, baby. - I'm sorry. - It's okay. - I was just bonding with Sue. - Oh, good. Oh, Sue, did the President call? - No. - No. Okay. Well, come. Step into my crib. We can hang. You guys ditched me at a pervert's memorial. That's some cold ***. - Catherine, hey. - Hey, buddy. We need to talk. So I have to have a little meeting to find out what the F-word is going on around here. - Okay. - We'll do this quick. That's right. Dan, why don't you look after Catherine while we attend to this urgent policy matter? Dan, you've never met Catherine. Have you met Catherine? - No. - No, you haven't. Come here. Come here. Come, come. Catherine, this is Dan. - Hi. - He works in yo mama's office. - Hi. - Hi. So why don't you tell Dan about the you know, the Experimental theater course? Sure. Yeah. You can talk to him about that. You can talk about anything. - Anything. - Anything. Talk, talk, talk. Now that we have the permission to talk about anything Have you ever read Faulkner before? A little bit. Chuck Furnham leaked. Now what are our options, Mike? Look, I don't know, okay? It's like a *** Rubik's cube. - I mean, it's impossible at this point. - What, Mike? A Rubik's cube is not impossible to solve. I saw a Chinese kid do it in like 10 seconds. Let me just have a deep think, okay? I need some me time. Just let me get deep. He's not wrong. We are in a tight corner. - That's the nature of the job, I guess. - I'm not complaining. I am glad to be off dogs and hurricanes and back in a good old Washington *** storm. Speaking of dogs, what's happening in that department? - I'm on it. - Okay. Have you reached a dog verdict yet? Your mom said your decision is final. Yeah, this one. Yeah, it looks astonished. Like it's attached to jumper cables or something. - I think he's cute. - Okay, yeah. Yeah. Guys. Honey, you've got to change. Or you're wearing that. Are you wearing that? Yeah, I was planning on it, unless Great. Cool. Fantastic. Can we have just a quick second to chat? - Yes, sure. - Thank you. I will get out. Amy, if I could just talk to you for a quick sec. - Okay. - If I could. - Yeah. Not a problem. - Thank you, darling. What is that skirt? Is it a rug? No, I don't think so. I think they do that now. How is she? Is she good? Well, you know, y-yeah. She's her normal self. - Really great. - Oh, good. So do we have a plan to solve this Rubik's cube? - I've been going over - Here's an idea. We announce the dog. It's soft wash, breakfast news, but we tease it out. We say we're looking for a name. An ocean of ideas comes pouring in. Meantime, we're buying time to figure all the other *** out. That's kind of a great idea. - Okay. - Did she choose a dog? - Woof. - You got to be *** kidding me. I hate these animals. This thing is Unbelievably cute. Ma'am, Senator Doyle just arrived and he has a face like he's been stabbed in the groin. Okay. I can't talk to him 'cause I'm with my daughter. - Perhaps the widow walk? - The widow walk. - Madam Vice President. - You're the widow. - Come, honey. - Why are you ignoring me, ma'am? We're gonna just pretend Darling, don't turn around. - I've been here. - Just keep your head towards me. Just pretend like you're talking seriously to me. - Wait, mom, what's wrong with your face? - Nothing, darling. - I'm pretending to talk to you. - But we are talking. No, no, I mean, it's a pretend I was given your word, ma'am, that nobody from oil was gonna be on the task force, and now I've got this Chuck ***. Andrew, this whole thing is so nuanced. And I have a ton of interests that I have to square but you had balls. - Now look at you. - Yeah, now look at me. I have a *** and balls, okay? Can we not have this No, please. Don't stop because of me. This is really interesting. Hi, I don't think we've had the chance to meet, but I'm thrilled that you're here. - Congrats on 20 years in D. C. - Madam Vice President. The Vice President has decided to adopt a rescue animal. - What kind of animal? - It's a dog. A dog? What, like your dog, Mike? Thank you very much. Andrew Miller, program director at rainforest conservancy. - Plays the trumpet. - What important work you do. And that's not just the high notes. - I have a recital coming up. - Okay. - You could have said, "don't blow it. " - No, I'm not gonna say that. Look at Gary go. He's like a human teleprompter for small talk. - He calls this Gary-oke. - It's so weird. It's like he's the horse whisperer or something. Not that I think your mother's a horse. Jim Wiseman, United Laminants and guest. Wife, not his daughter. Wife, not daughter. - Jim. - Madam vice President. Good to see you. Mom's smile is starting to crack. It's like her divorce face. Oh, hey! I come from a broken home, too. I found that the turmoil made me more focused, more passionate, more determined to get the things I want. I'm Jonah, by the way. I work at the west wing of the White House. As opposed to what, the west wing of Graceland? I can get you a tour if you'd like. Yeah, I've seen it before. Jonah, west wing. So how'd the dog announcement go, buddy? Like a bacon burka. What does that mean bacon burka? Nothing. Just if burkas were made of bacon See, it's kind of an open secret in Washington that Mike has an imaginary dog. - Why? - Gets him out of staying late for work. - We call it his ***-tzu. - That's kind of genius. - Thanks, Todd. - Problem? Problem? Last two on the deck of the Titanic, huh? Yeah, I think I might jump. You know, I can see right through your shirt. - Is it designed that way? - Ma'am. - Yes? - We have an issue. The White House says that they would like a, quote, "Sidney Purcell- type figure" involved on clean jobs. - The person. - What a fistful of ***. You put Sidney Purcell on clean jobs, it's over. It's done. No one's gonna stomach that. Well, what do you got? I kind of want to call them out on their bluff. - I got something. - What Mr. Purcell. Hi, Dan Egan, vice President's office. Hi, Dan. The Vice President would love to have you on the clean jobs task force, but we both know that would look *** horrible. Thank you. So what we're proposing is this, Chuck will stay on. Really? Okay, so you came over to tell me that you're disappointing the *** out of me. I didn't know that. You should have led with that, buddy. But you will have a private channel to the veep on all clean job- related issues. You'll have more influence over policy than the *** task force. I'm gonna go talk to Catherine. She just got a new roommate. I don't need factoids about my daughter, Gary. Hi, honey. Look at you. You're standing all by yourself. I'm fine, mom. Are you hungry, love? Do you want food? - No. It's okay. I already ate. - Okay. Look here. They want to take a picture. - God. - Let's do that. Yeah, put your drink down, babe. - Mom, I really hate pictures. - No, honey, you're pretty. Just smile now. Smile. Catherine, I'm really serious. Smile, okay? There you go. That's gonna be good. That's gonna be sweet. I heard you have a new roommate. Dilka. - Dilk - What? - Dilka. - Dilka? - I think her dad's Iranian. - Iranian? Senator. Just wanted to let you know that your noise about Chuck Furnham did the trick. - He's off. - Well, that is great. - Yeah. - How did that happen? Well, oil was so pissed that we tried to put lightweight Chuck onto the task force that they forced the President to go with somebody else - Sidney Purcell. - Sweet hairy ***. I need to speak to the Vice President. That's great. Thank you so much. Hurricane Selina they say they can change the name. You're kidding me. - That is incredibly great news. - Well done. You're changing the name of a hurricane? Yeah. And that would have been a disaster for us. Yeah, naturally. It's amazing. You're trying to control the weather. You are not *** Thor, mom. I'm just gonna go do my homework. No, Catherine, listen. It a much more complicated and nuanced situation. No, it's really not. Don't you yes-men ever say no to her? - Of course they do. - Yeah, we do. Yeah. - Exactly. - All right, you know what? You're a little bit out of control. - Come with me. Yes. - Out of control? No, don't say ow. You know that didn't hurt. Get into here. I need to talk to you for a second. Not everything is always about you. I know that everything isn't always about me. I know that. You're changing the name of a hurricane, mom. This is how it works. This is real life. This is complicated. - This is nuanced. - Nuanced? You need experience. Mom, stop talking to me like a *** politician. I've been trying, Catherine. I've been trying to talk to you this whole day. - About what? - About everything. I didn't even know that you had a new roommate. What's-his-*** had to tell me. I know. Gary told you. All you have to do, mom, is ask. Seriously. Okay. How about this? Listen. We are not gonna change the name of the hurricane. - Sure. - Thank you, mom. I'm sorry I got so upset before. - Look at her apologizing. - Not a problem. - Isn't she good to apologize? - Madam Vice President. - We need to talk. - Okay. What can I do for you? Well, you need to put Chuck Furnham back on the task force. Wait, I'm confused, because now you're begging me to put back onto the task force the same person you were begging me to take off of the task force. When you say it out loud, you know, it does sound Kind of idiotic. Well, but it's not as idiotic as the current filibuster system. I can find a way to get Chuck Furnham on the task force for you, no problem. - Super. - Super. - Thank you, ma'am. - You betcha. How about that? Way to go, Dan. Catch-44, he caught it. Pow! I'm sorry. Are you guys all good on clean jobs? Chuck ham is on and what? And Sidney Purcell will stay on as an advisor in an unofficial capacity. - All right. Tick it. - We can pick up the dog tomorrow. Oh, great! I'm sorry. What are you guys talking about? We're getting a dog. It's no big deal. Why wasn't I told about this? Why would you be told about that? The thing is, ma'am, Flotus is currently procuring a canine for herself. The first dog, or F-dotus, has been planned for weeks. We simply can't allow the possibility that your dog will overshadow F-dotus. - Stop saying F-dotus. - Ma'am, you need to kill the dog. Not literally, but I mean, yeah, if it comes to it, then literally. - No! Kill the dog? Our dog? - No, honey. Where is Mike? Where is he? Back to his *** and dip. You guys, are we seriously gonna let the guy with the police sketch face of a *** tell us what to do? This *** face gets eights. Consensually, I might throw in. Why are we killing the dog? I just announced it. Because the first lady is getting one, so now I can't get one. - Why don't I know this? - Because you're incompetent. Here's an idea. Mike's already got a dog. He's got the whole setup for one the blankets, the crate, the balls, all the little toys and stuff. - Why doesn't he take the pooch? - That's a great idea. - Mm-mm, no, no. - Great solution. Great solution. Simon is an Alpha male. Actually, I think that is a good idea. - Why are you guys laughing? - Stop, mom. Seriously, Mike has a fake dog. You're like the only one here who doesn't know that. What? Yeah, he uses it to get out of stuff like if he's late. It's called a shitbull terrier. - It's a ***-tzu. - ***-tzu. Is this true, Mike? It got a little out of hand. You carry a picture of it in your wallet, Mike. I just got it from Google images. I'm sorry, ma'am. I thought you knew, ma'am. - Otherwise I would not have been laughing. - Gary knew? - Even *** Gary knew? - Okay. You are getting the dog. You are getting this little rat-faced, repulsive, yappy, decrepit-looking terrier. I'm glad that you were so honest about liking the one that I chose. Catherine, I didn't okay, now I've got to deal with that situation. So thank you. Catherine. Maybe I've got a real excuse now. - Sue's pretty wasted. - Yeah. And arguably a nine. - Sue. - Jonah. You got a convenient opening I can slide into? Open up a slot for Jonah? There's not enough alcohol in the world, Jonah. - Didn't say no. - No! - Ma'am, can I get you a glass of white wine? Okay. - Yeah. Amy, would you please Get the hurricane name changed. Already done it. Good. It's not too diva-like, this party, is it? No, I think we got just the right tone. - Yeah. - People definitely aren't having too much fun. Okay, here we go. - There. - Thank you. Bottoms up. - So, you want to mingle? - Yeah. Let's go mingle the *** out of 'em. Ernest Lainchbury, Lifeboat Association. - He's got a glass eye. - I Am so happy you're here. Jenny Armitage, Disabled Sports of America. - Just had triplets. - Triplets. That must have hurt Unless you had a C-section. Carlos Esquerra, C. E. O. of the Nasdaq O. M. X. group. I got nothing. Use your Spanish. - Su casa es mi casa. - Mi casa. Mi casa es su casa. Robert Van Der Merkle, head of Gambling Commission. Pro-gambling. Loves to kill. There. Corey Wilk, special advisor to the Supreme Court of Michigan. He's got a brother in Rage Against the Machine. Tell your brother I love his music. Carrie Stringer, Center for Social Action. - He's a triathlete. - No, he's not. Hello. Liam Miller, NASA. Okay, that's an acronym for National Aeronautics - I stop it. - Okay. It's so late. The Reverend Terrance Clark, Church of the Living Christ. He's a baker. Christ has risen. Hyun-Joo Lee, Urban Placemakers Forum. He's Korean.