Happy Endings S1E6 - English Transcript

Yo, Brad. Guess what came in the mail today? Penalty of Death 2 - Excuse me while you die. Pre-order, yeahh. . No,no,no,no. . Will not say that. Oh, hey, man, there's this new guy, franklin, Who just started working with me. think you guys would be perfect for each other. Look at brad being my ***. Yeah. Yeah, give him my number. Brew crew, right here. Uh, dude, you're dripping stuff on my stuff. house rule-- if you don't unpack, It becomes my furniture. You're gonna just spill pico de gallo all over jordan? That's disrespect, man. Respect would be hanging that up. It's time to unpack, bro. You've been living here for, like, three months. Dude, that's my t-shirt that you're using as a napkin. Are you sure? Yeah. It's not a napkin? I thought our napkins had v-necks. No. Why do I live here? You don't seem to understand, jane. I am terrified. Penny, you don't need to do this. Guys, I have an announcement. I've--I've come to say good-bye. I've been making some major life choices, And I've decided to leave chicago. Bye! What's going on? She's being ridiculous. There was a break-in In her neighborhood, and now she's talking about Moving back in with her parents. Just temporarily, until there's no more crime in america. Or you could do what I did in college. Hook up with a ton of girls and call it a phase? wh? It was a phase. Long phase. What I'm talking about is taking a self-defense class. it's incredibly empowering. Pfft. And you know what? You could really benefit From learning how to standtap for yourself. She's right, pen. No offense, but you do tend to shy away from confrontation. Oh, penny, what did they do to your car? Could I get $2 back? Sure. In my defense, I do tend to shy away from confrontation. Oh. Mm. ♪ Captioned by closed captioning services, inc. So brad thinks it's harmless fun to sit around And play a video game where he rips a wizard limb from limb, But I'm the freak for watching "s. V. U. "? Totally. I hate that stuff. Gi-gah! And you have been disarmed. What was that? I took your advice, and I've been taking krav maga. It's this hard-core israeli martial art. It is the best. I have never felt more confident, more safe. And I've really developed a killer instinct. that's great, sweetie. maybe I'll tag along sometime. you should! But be warned, in just four sessions, Mild-mannered chicagoan penny hartz Has turned into Israeli angel of vengeance shira abramowitz. A-bam! Take that to the west bank, sucka! Boom! Hud) So is shira paying? Is that No, no, no. Okay, now capture that baby and rip its fingers off. Oh, ho! It's spewing rubies. I know, right? ow! Stop! Max! The shower burned me again. Dave, it's a shower, bud. It's not that hard. Let the water run for six seconds. Jump in. You got at least 30 seconds of decent temperate water, And then quarter-turn yourself to avoid the initial rust blast, Go back in for another 30 seconds. It's like he's never showered before (whi. hello? hi, dave. How's it going? Hello, high voice. Either you're wearing really tight jeans or you have a mouse. Both. And believe me, It was not easy getting up on this chair. Can you come over? You know, I assumed I wasn't on mouse patrol anymore Since that whole thing where we broke up, and I moved out. Please? I think he's settling in for the long haul. I saw him drag a meatball underneath the couch. Dave, can you get us our headsets? Thatakistani kid biju's online again, And he's talking a lot of trash. Okay, I'll be right over. Oh, so how'd your date go with franklin? Eh. I get in the supply closet And finally find the pens, And so it's, like, everyone has one now and Good, good. Did you drive here? Yeah. Do you wanna go for a drive? No, I was gonna tell you to order a few more drinks Then ride your car off a cliff. I thought you guys would've had a good time, you know, I mean, you're both-- we're both what? Super cool dudes. Pause. You were gonna say "gay. " Mnh-mnh. It all makes sense now. You, my friend, are a gay-cist. What? You think all gays are the same. You think just because franklin and I are both friends of elton, We're just gonna pack it up, move to vermont, And start selling antiques? No, I did not say that. unpause. Relax. It's fine. I'm just messing with you. besides, some parts of thetereotype are true. I mean, just 'cause we didn't get along doesn't mean We didn't have raging sex in a bus terminal. Really? pause. No! Playdate suspended on account of your gay-cism. We're not even gonna make prank calls today. Aw, man! Okay, one. Just follow my lead, jane. The key--I'll tell you right now, this one's for free-- Is stretching out your lats. It gives you a little extra torque on your kill kicks. You know what I heard gives you extra torque as well, Is knowing where your lats are. Okay, I know where my lats are. Uh-huh. They're right Here. all right, everyone, pay attention. My name is yoni, Which in hebrew, is short for "god's gift. " Unfortunately, in sanskrit, it means "female genitals. " Let's pair off and start with some light disarming. Everyone grab a rubber knife. Okay, baby girl. I'm just gonna take it nice and easy, okay? I'm just gonna come at you kinda half-speed. Here I go! Ow. Oh. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Jane. Ow! What the--ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Jane, ow! Nice work, girlies. Nice work. Okay, let's do it again. Up, up, for yoni, ah? Come on. Let's get moving. I have a lamaze class to teach. Are you sure that's a humane mousetrap? Yep. Once we catch the little fella, We'll release him in the park, Where a homess man will barbecue him on a skewer. what? You should get that fixed. It's a total pain. Don't worry. It's not a ghost. Had it checked. Good. Because I was just about to ask if it was a ghost. Oh. I gotta get to my shop. Do you mind staying here and finishing up And then letting yourself out or is that too weird? Why would that be weird? Every square foot of this apartment has seen me naked. Now it's weird. Go on. Get out of here. Yeah. Okay. See ya. wow. The old apartment. No. hello. Max, I'm telling you, I'm not gay-cist. Yeah, okay. You're one of my closest friends, and you're gay. Typical gay-cist rhetoric. You people-- you're all the same. "you people"? Now that's racist. I taught you how to eat a guy's spine, dawg, And this is how you do me? That cold, player. Okay, you're literally talking Like a stereotypical black person, and I'm a gay-cist? Huh! This is ridiculous. Right, penny? Penny? Oh, my god. Sorry. I'm just a little jumpy Because your wife fake-stabbed me 38 times today. Oh, you forgot her half-birthday, too? That woms an animal. I know. hello? Hey, it's me. Did you catch the working on it. Oh, he's a sneaky little guy oh, wait. Did you get him? Hold on. Let me check real quick. Hmm. nope. False alarm. Might have to come back tomorrow. It's been, like, four days. I can't believe You haven't caught this mouse yet. I know. He's my bin laden. Jessica bin laden-- Super hot arab girl I went to college with. Hey, anyway Thanks for fixing that cabinet, by the way. Yeah, totally. Thanks for fixing the a. C. , too. I also fixed your surround sound and brought this special cable So you can watch tv in high def. That is so nice. You know, I just wanna make the place more comfy Yeah. For you. Thanks for fixing so much stuff. okay. Go. Go, go, go. whew! Doesn't this suck, How this mouse has totally inconvenienced us? Torture. Yeah. Hey, uh, have you ever thought about getting the nfl package? I can call For you. What's wrong, biscuit? Max keeps calling me a gay-cist. That'sul. I have no idea what that means. That I think all gay people Are automatically attracted to each other. But you don't. I know! I love gays. Hiry swank, tom hanks, Jake gyllenhaal, will smith. Ay, now you're just naming Straight actors who've played gay characters. Yeah, but come on. Acting is pretty gay. How did this even come up? Because I tried to fix him up with franklin from work. That guy? Yeah. Franklin's so boring, when I'm tired, I count franklins. Like a Shp. so why did you set them up? 'cause they're both gay? No. Wait. You're gay? Yeah. Oh, you should meet my buddy. He's gay. Wow. I'm married to a gay-cist. That's not--you don't I'm not a gay-cist, and I'll prove it. I'm gonna show max that he and franklin have more in common Than just being gay. Mm-hmm. Good luck with that. I am gonna go get my krav on. Penny and I are having so much fun with this. Really? You sure about that? She loves it. Aah! Beautiful! Now use her own gun against her. Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Wonderful, jane. Wonderful. You're like a cobra-- swift, lethal. Penny, you will have a sparsely attended memorial service. She's still moving. Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Ow! Click! Click! Click! What? Boom! Boom! Okay, we get it. We get it. Hey, that cheese is for the customers. I could be a customer. Do you have th in a men's extra husky? Why are you here again? Free wi-fi. Right. Hey, have you seen dave? I feel like he only comes home to sleep. It's like living with a stripper. He's been trying to catch a mouse at my place. Still? Yeah, pretty wily mouse. But it's kinda working out 'cause dave's been fixing things while he waits. And you're not at all concerned That dave is day-squatting and playing mr. Fix-it In the love nest you two used to share? What you getting at? Just saying, alex--I'm no doctor, you know that--it's just That I feel like dave is having a tough time moving on. He hasn't even unpacked his michael jordan poster. Really? I mean, heung that in his car On a road trip to wisconsin. You don't think he's trying to use this situation As a way to ease us back together? Oh, absolutely, I do, yeah. Really? Or not. I don't know. Look at me. I'm a fancy lady. Thosare bracelets. Are they? Yeah. Where you going? Okay. I gotta go. I'm gonna put boogers on all your candles. Dave? Alex. Hey. The mouse remains at large. I had to be completely still, Which is why I was lying on the couch, And I had to take off my pants Because the mouse could hear my Jeans. what's that smell? Have you been cooking? I had some time so I thought I'd make some dinner. Dinner? Listen, I know this is not about the mouse. Okay? You do? Yes. And you can't keep coming here. Just hear me out, all right? You don't know what it's like Living without-- would you please stop? Max and I talked about this, And it's getting weird. It's miserable. Most mornings I can't even get out of bed Because I know all that's waiting for me is A searing, scalding shower of pain. I feel for you, okay, I do, but I just-- I can't do this right now. We can make it work. I think you should go. Go. It was chili. five, six, seven and Push! Push! Push! And kick! Push! Push! Push! And kick! Penny? And then aah! Penny? Wh-what's going on? What does it look like? Like "cocoon. " Are you not going to krav? Not anymore. Jazz kwon do is really fun. And you made krav too intense. It's supposed to be intense. If someone breaks into your house, They are not going to jazz-rob you. They're gonna to rob-rob you or ***-*** you. Okay, I am doing this for your own good. But you, like, destroyed my confidence. You beat the shira out of me Okay, I am doing this for your own good. But you, fine. Have fun destroyein your dance class, And when you get your "killer" instinct back, You know where I'll be. I can find my killer instinct right here. push! Push! Okay, and fosse fists. Eight mississippi, and,nine mississippi,go! And Ten mississippi, quarter turn. Avoid the rust. Ugh. Oh. Oh, yeah. I got you beat, rust. I got you beat. And Back in. Turn the nozzle 90 degrees. And we're in business. This is not so bad. Oh! Aah! Oh! Oh! Oh, god! Oh! Oh, god! Max! Help! Max! So on "penalty of death," you can create your own character, So I madmyself glenn beck, so if I die, I don't feel bad. Why do you keep staring at the door? I'm not. Hey! Look, it's franklin! Oh. Brad, max. What's up Home-homeboys? Tates explosion) hip-hop. I like it. Do you like it? What you been up to, man? Anything max Would be interested in? Well, uh, I just bought the new people-killing game For the x-station box. Did I mention I was a video gamester? You know what? Probably didn't get a chance to, During our time together, divulge that important detail. Mm. Well, now I can sleep tonight. Oh! Look at this guy. Oh! Yeah, I'd like to see that. Oh! Other facts That may have escaped me that night, uh, that I love-- I love, uh, for instance, eating late at night--that's one. I love having a chicago accent And judging people cruelly. Yeah. Wow. Those are all things that I enjoy as well. Right. Anyways, well, I gotta-- I nda gotta go. Uh, uh, you know what? I actually, uh, gotta go, 'cause I'm gonna make A-a-a prank call to an ethnic restaurant And exploit the language barrier. Yeah, it's so funny. So funny when people are different. Yes. Yeah. So I'm out. Whatever. No biggie. Who cares? Bye. Good, old, awesome, dependable, compatible franklin. I know what you're trying to do. Look, max, I-I just think-- You're trying to get me to give franklin A second chance, and I should. Really? Yeah. What do you say the three of us all go hang out? Yeah. C-cool, man, yeah. I'll--I'll set it up, bro. That's awesome. Yeah, it'll be just me, you, and franklin. Mm-hmm. I don't mind being the meat in that sandwich. Thanks for letting me crash hereal. yeah. Jane has just gotten in my head so much, I really don't feel safe in my own apartment right now. No problem. Just let yourself in. I'll be home later. okay. Thank you so much. You're welcome. All right, I love you, al. You, too. Okay, bye. Bye. hey. Ooh! dave?! Yeah! Dave! Yes! I am so sorry. Ugh! What are you doing here? What are you doing here? I want to take a shower. Oh, yeah. Okay, that makes total s--what are you doing here? You have your own shower. I know. I know, but every time I shower at max's place, I come out looking like Fisher stevens from "short circuit. " sweetie, you can't keep calling it max's place. Okay, it's your place, too. And you cannot break Into your ex-fiancée's house to shower, Because this This is just straight-up creeptown. I know. I gotta deal. Oh! Are you okay? Oh! Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. Although, I do think you kicked my "p" into a "v. " Nice! I did that. I did that. Or should I say shira did that. Thank you, shira. you're welcome, penny. Would you care for some hummus? hiya! No. Peyton manning's the funny one. Eli's the one that can't close his mouth. Okay. Sorry. Hey, guys. Hey. Keep it to yourself, franklin. So I brought along a friend Of mine that, brad, I think you will just hit it off with. Brad, I'd like you to meet miss mary. I met her on my floor, selling bibles, And I thought, you guys got a lot in common. So nice to meet you, brad. Ma'am. Miss marhy don't you have a seat and tell brad some more About how your religion doesn't believe in blood transfusions? Oh, sure. Um, no offense, miss mary, but, uh, max, What on earth do you think I have in common with this woman? Why do I think you have something in common with her? Yeah. I don't know, 'cause You're both okay, I'm a gay-cist. There it is. Put it on the board. yoand franklin Have nothing in common except your *** preference. It's all right, brad. Me and franklin still had raging sex in the bathroom. You guys had rocking, gay sex in the bathroom? No! Ugh! You boys are going straight to hell in a handbasket. And with one swift yank of the testicles Hey! I got my killer instinct back. I stood up for myself, and last night, I beat dave's ***! And now I've come for you. And this time, I know where my lats are. Boom! Still no. And you beat dave, our friend, up? Shut your mouth, scarecrow. It is game, set, go time. Match--you and me. Dave, we need to talk. I was thinking about it, And the way I kicked you out the other day-- That was really rude. It's okay. I understand. No, I was being selfish. Okay? I just--I really liked the way That you were fixing stuff, and I didn't stop think About how that might reawaken all those feelings in you. Feelings? Trust me. I have complicated feelings about you, too. I just--I don't think now is the right time To try and get back together. Oh! no, no. I don't want to get back togher. No, the only thing I wanted to get back together with Was my old shower. Really? Wait. You expect me to believe that you basically Moved back into my apartment because you love my shower? Yeah, because it's clean, Because you have soap that's shaped like butterflies. Here, the soap is shaped like And wrapped in hair. You know you can just buy soap. Alex, I swear I don't have any reawakened feelings. I know. Unlike you Hmm? Who apparently is fully awake. What? What? No. I'm not awake at all. Nope. Mnh-mnh. What are you doing in my apartment? Trying to figure out How to delete 12 hours of nfl football off dvr. Oh. Since--since when are you calling this your place? Well, it is gnarly, but it's home. Well, not quite. I could help you hang this. I taught mysel how to hammer a nail. um, you know You can't hammer nails into brick. You know that, right? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Looks better here. You gonna be able to decorate with all these feelings Dancing around your head? Hey, shut up. You gonna be able to decorate how about this?Feelings Does this complicate things? Excuse me? This. I don't understand that. What about this? Mm! Whew, boy. What about this? That is complicated. Don't pull something. You sure you wanna do this? Uh-huh. 'cause I'm not gonna hold back, penny. Who's penny? My name is shira go, shira! Abramowitz! aah! I'm proud of you, pen. You got your killer instinct back. But it doesn't mean I still don't own you in krav. oh! Get her! Get her! More ruthless, like you're a gang member. good. Good twist. I like it. I stab you! I have a force field! okay, jane, get the wooden gun! Pop! Pop! Pop! pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! I'm deflecting bullets! Pop! Pop! Pop! Aah! fosse fists. What the hell is a fosse fist? Sucka! It was the krav maga that might have beaten you, But it was the jazz kwon do that made it look so fine. jazz kwon do? Where do I sign up? yeah. Really great moves. I'm so pro of you. You were great up there. Guys, I promise u, this is not a drill. okay, guys. Let's get into formation. Four, five, six, seven, eight. Grab your tiny hat. Fosse fists. Fosse fists. Fosse fists. Fosse fists. yeah. ah, boom. Yeah. Okay. Hat. Hat, hat, hat. Krav! hiya! Bring it back to center. Have a little fun and take a quick break. And now back. Back it--back it up. Whoa! We're here! Push! Shimmy, shimmy. no! No! No! No! Yes! Shh! oh, god, no. We're going again. We are going again. Whoo! I like t energy. Now you know it. Now forget it.