Frasier S10E5 - English Transcript

Roz... Roz... (group cheering) Roz, you just missed the classic prank of all time. I'll admit it, this was my masterpiece. Oh, who, who, who'd you get? Way to go, Bulldog. (barks and snickers) There he is! (both laughing) I got this friend down at the impound lot who came across a smashed-up BMW -- same make and model and Frasier's. You didn't! You got Frasier! I had his car towed from the garage the wreck put in its place. (laughing) The doc totally freaked when he saw it. First, he started swearing then he implored the heavens and just when his lips started trembling Bulldog comes out, tells him it's all a prank . Hey, Bulldog observes the mercy rule. Besides, I got the whole thing on tape. (laughing) Admit it, Doc. I got you good. Come on, say it. Bulldog's the best. Okay, okay, how about the *** dance I taught you? (snickering) (laughing) At least give me one up high. Come on... ah, come on, don't leave me hanging, Doc. Where's your Halloween spirit? Don't worry, it'll be here waiting for you. (snickers) For the record, I knew immediately it was not my car. Mine has a bumper sticker on it that says: "I am pro-opera and I vote." Frasier, you've got to admit it was clever. I admit nothing. That is the last we shall discuss of it. We have a show to do. Good afternoon, Seattle and welcome to the Halloween edition of the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. Today, we will be discussing the topic of fears. Are they irrational hindrances or... evolutionary tools. Hmm. The surprising answer... after these words. FRASIER (on tape): My car! Oh, not my car! What did they do to you? My baby! Whenever you're ready. (door shuts) (knocking) (doorbell ringing) Did you find something? Do you think they'll take soy sauce packets? Who keeps ringing the doorbell? Mum! Shh! (quietly): It's trick-or-treaters. It's okay, they're gone. Well, why didn't you let them in? Because someone forgot to get Halloween candy. Although someone else could've picked it up since she was already in the store. Well, that would override the duty list that someone insisted on implementing. If this is what you two call a fight you're not fit to be married. I once held your father's head underwater and... (doorbell rings) Shh! Oh, for heaven's sake! We haven't got any candy! Shove off! Great. Now they know we're here. (doorbell rings) That's precisely what's wrong with this country. Everyone's afraid to stand up to the children. Trick or treat. Didn't you hear? We've got no candy! We can offer you hotel soaps. But it's Halloween. I dress up, you give me candy. That costume's supposed to be scary? No. Is yours? Oh, a nice bite into an onion is what that mouth of yours deserves. If you don't have treats, you're going to get a trick. Do your worst! I'’’m not afraid of you. Honestly! Okay, well, maybe I'll go pick up some candy after all. (loud splattering) Okay, I'm going to need my slicker and my squash goggles. FRASIER: Good morning, Roz. May I join you? Sure, Frasier. Well, I'm glad to see you're not sulking today. Yes, well, I had a little time to think about it and I've decided to put Bulldog's prank behind me. That's very mature. I'm not finished. By visiting upon him a prank that is ten times more dastardly Look at this. It looks like a car with a balloon tied to it. Precisely! I will tie a red balloon to the antenna of Bulldog's car every time his precious Seahawks lose a game. Over time... the conditioned response will become ingrained in his psyche. Eventually, the mere sight of a red balloon... will bring about in him an inexplicable sense of loss. Check and mate Isn't that kind of out there? That's the point. Well, of course I could resort to any of your basic pranks: hand in warm water and whatnot-- believe me, I have an intimate knowledge of all of them-- but what I'm looking for is something unmistakably me. A signature prank, if you will, hmm? Why don't you just forget about revenge and give him his two minutes in the sun? At my expense? Look at his life. You guys used to be equals now he's stuck downstairs that dark, musty archives room. You must have some sympathy for him, don't you? Dark musty archives. I think I can use that Hello, all. Hi. Hello, Niles. Why do we have to stop here? I could make coffee at home. Now, now. It's good to get out of the house-- get some fresh air, exercise those lungs. My lungs are as strong as ever. Just yesterday, I finished a whole cigarette in two drags. One off me record. What's this? I'm devising the ultimate prank to get my revenge on Bulldog. Ah, well, just beware the dangers of juvenile one-upsmanship. Only last night, Mrs. Moon challenged a trick-or-treater and he responded by pelting our door with eggs. Yeah, but I got the little monster back by puttin' a big, greasy glob of Vaseline on his doorknob. You said you'd put an e Hence, the Vaseline. Mum, he's a child. Well, it's time he learned you don't mess with Gertrude Moon without incurring my wrath. Now, excuse me. I require cocoa. You know, I think she has the right attitude If I expect Bulldog to leave me alone I've got to show him he's dealing with a superior intellect. Show them the balloon car. I'm sure da Vinci's early no were full of laughs, too. Excuse me. I have devising to do. That'll be... $32.03. For one drink? Your grandson ordered a bunch of cakes and he said it was all on you. Thanks for the treats, Grandma! Hey...! Oh, let's see the little sod get to school without these. Oh, this should settle it. (thunder crashes) Is anybody there? (deadpan): Oh. Zombies. The living dead. Help. Help FRASIER: Everyone hold, please. Zombie Number Two, what are you doing? I'm scaring Bulldog? I see. Is that what zombies do? They scare people? Um... Wrong! They eat brains, and that's what scares people. All right, now, this is our dress rehearsal. Let's please try to get this right. Bulldog comes in, he hears noises zombies go after his brain... and his terror is caught on videotape for us all to enjoy at a later date, all right? Now, let's try this again. First marks, please. Oh, geez, Fras This is the fourth time through. Can somebody else play Bulldog now? Dad, you said you'd help me with this. You said we were going to do a practical joke. I thought it'd be fun. Whatever gave you that idea? Todd... I am getting "dead" from you but I'm not getting "undead." Still. Let's try this, then. After rehearsal, I want each of you to write a paragraph... detailing who your character was when he or she was alive... how they died... and why they are now after Bulldog's brain. Honestly, Roz, you know, you haven't given me much to work with here. There are the worst actors I've ever seen! I'm sorry, but the Royal Zombie Company just left town with its all-zombie production of Hamlet. How many more times are we going to do this? Why is it that whenever Bulldog pulls a practical joke you all applaud him as if he's won some sort of bowl or cup or other sports dish? But when I ask you to give up a single Sunday all I get is complaints. Because you keep turning it into work. This is supposed to be fun! Like a day at the beach. You do this kind of thing all the time. Like when? Like the last time we went to the beach. A lot of people bring rakes! Frasier, it's not too late to back out of this. Now, face it jokes just aren't your specialty. What is that supposed to mean? Well, what she means, son is that we all have our different blessings and Bulldog's good at jokes and fun. You're good at... reading and, uh... telling people about the things you read. Are you saying that you think I can't pull this off? Oh, I wouldn't put it that way I would. But I worked this out to the last detail! Nothing can go wrong! Everything's going to go wrong! For one thing, Bulldog's going to know something's up 'cause Kenny hardly ever makes him work at night. And then, look at all these cameras and all these wires-- what if he spots these? And the zombies, as soon as he sees them . he's going to know it's a prank, 'cause he just pranked you And there are no such things as zombies! You, sir... are released! And you, as well! I'll pull this thing off by myself proving that you don't know what you're talking about! I don't need any of you! Wait, zombies, I do need you. But no one else! I'll show all of you! You mark my words! Tomorrow night, I get my revenge! (thunder crashes) Ah, good, the effects machine's working again. All right, everyone... back to your first marks. (doorbell chimes) Where have you been?! I'm sorry. I had a hard ti me finding this place. I checked the directory for "Crane" but it had "Old Bat" next to this apartment number. A little obvious, but not bad. I want you to deliver this Baby-I-Have-To-*** doll to Jason White, Floyd Middle School. This is the address. I mean, he should be in gym class about now I don't think I'm allowed to just walk into the school, ma'am. Oh, it's okay. I'm his grandmother. And you have to say this: "Your mommy said bring this to you at school "to lift your spirits. See, your dolly has accidents, too." You really want me to say that? Yes, and very loudly. The poor thing's hard of hearing. Yes! Todd, take off that baseball cap. You're undead, not uncouth All right, everyone. Step lively, look sharp. It's almost show time. Give me a final room-tone check, please and take your marks. Hey, Fras. Oh, hello. Come to watch me fail, I suppose. No, we just wanted to come join you. We're sorry about that stuff we said yesterday. It's long overdue. Maybe I don't want you here. What do you mean? You abandoned me in my hour of need. Now you're here to revel in my success just like in Boswell's Life of Johnson. What? It was something I read. I guess we deserve that, whatever the hell it means. Come on, Frasier, we're sorry. Just let us watch. All right. Apology accepted. You may observe in silence. Make yourselves comfortable and prepare to witness a man brought to the very edge of madness! I think he's already there. Mum, we're off to the symphony. Haven't the Germans punished us enough? Ooh! Bloody hell! Where did this come from? Oh, you must have crossed someone. Mother. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. We were just coming down the hall and we saw you open your door. This is our trash can. What was it doing there? Jason, get back here! It seems our children have been feuding. We're very embarrassed You're embarrassed? Meet our daughter. Hello. I have a lot of homework. Stay! Jason, have you been fighting with this woman? Well, she broke my bike and made me have to see a counselor at school. I think I left something in the kitchen. Stay! I am an adult. I can do anything I want! No. While you're living under our roof you'll follow our rules. You two should be ashamed of yourselves. What if someone got hurt? Good. Jason! You are one second away from losing your broadband connection. Now, apologize and shake hands. Pish. What if I told you you couldn't smoke your pipes in your room anymore? I'm sorry. Sorry. Now you two are go ing to clean up this mess. And Jason, come straight home when you're finished. This place better be spotless by the time we get back. I wish I was all grown up and I wouldn't have to follow their stupid rules. Oh, nothing changes, trust me. You know... my mom hates bugs. She screams like a girl. So does my son-in-law. I know where we can find some crickets. No! Now, we should do as we're told and start cleaning up. Okay. That way they won't be expecting it. (both giggle) This is so great! I can't wait. I'm getting goose bumps. Feel me. Feel me. Kenny, what was the condition of my letting you watch? There he is! Cue "creaking noise one." (creaking noise) Hello? Who's there? Cue "creaking noise two." (different creaking noise) Now let the horror begin. (shrieking) Yes! How do you like that, you big baby?! (Frasier laughing) Get back! (gunshot) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Call 911! Call 911! Oh, my God! Don't worry about it, Kenny. It's just a joke. What are you talking about? It's a fake gun! What?! It's a fake gun! What about the bullets? It's a joke. Bulldog found out about Frasier's prank so we set him up. That is awesome! I can't believe he fell for it Come on, we got to tell Frasier what's going on. You guys go ahead. I think I'm going to stay here and puke. Stop! Stop! It was all a joke! Oh, my God! What have I done?! What's the big deal? He was already a zombie. (raucous laughter) Are you insane?! Call an ambulance! (yells) (laughing) What's going on here? Wave to the camera, Frasier. What? Got you again, all on tape. Who's the king? That isn't funny! I could've had a heart attack! Oh, sorry, Fras. We just couldn't resist. Well, at least nobody was hurt. You've bested me, Bulldog-- again. Dr. Crane, I think I hurt my back. What? (all gasp) Oh, my God! Someone call an ambulance! Where's the phone?! Where's the phone?! Get the first-aid kit out of the closet! No, no! Not the...! (shrieks) What the hell's going on down here?! Quiet, everybody! Hello. Yes, I'd like to report the greatest practical joke ever! You better send a firetruck because you guys just got burned! (laughing) Wait. What? Hi, Roz. Oh! You should see the look on your faces! This is truly a classic. This was all just a joke? Awesome! Nice work, Doc. Likewise, Bulldog. Think I can get a copy of this for my demo reel? Sure thing, Todd. You've come a long way in a short time, young man. Well, Frasier, I'm speechless You totally had us going. I can't believe it! Admit it, Roz can I pull off a practical joke or what? I just don't understand. Did you guys work together? Frasier set the whole thing up. The other day, after you two left I got to thinking maybe my joke was aimed at the wrong target. That's when Bulldog and I joined forces. But we joined forces with him to get you! That's exactly what you were supposed to think. Wow, Fras, I got to give it to you. This was brilliant. Thank you, Dad. What do you say we all go upstairs and watch the tape? You guys go ahead. Bulldog? Yeah? Technically, I still owe you one. Face it, Doc, you will never win. Good work, Noel. That's why you had to join forces with me. Huh? You're right. All right. ♪♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling ♪♪ ♪♪ Toss salads and scrambled eggs ♪♪ Mercy. ♪♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged. (laughs) ♪♪ But I don'’’t know what to do ♪♪ ♪♪ With those toss salads and scrambled eggs ♪♪ ♪♪ They'’’re calling again . ♪♪ Scrambled eggs all over my face. What is a boy to do? Good night, Seattle! We love you!