Awkward S4E5 - English Transcript

1 It was my first college overnight visit, and I had reinvention on my mind. College was the end of Jenna Hamilton, that girl, and the birth of Jenna Hamilton, it girl. I could see myself now, attending literary events, talking books with cute boys, bantering over coffee. But first, I had to ace my interview and get in. Man, this place is full of memories-- kegs and eggs, frisbee games in the quad, chili-cheese monster burgers. Best four years of my life except for every year that I've spent with you. Uh-huh. Okay, what time is your interview? Ding! Ding! Correct. Mine's at 9:00. So we'll wake up at 8:00, do one last run through our answers, get max caffed, and show up ten minutes early to show that we have minds for business even if we also have bods for sin. - "Bods"? - Jenna. Now is no time for distraction action. Ask me one of the questions. "What do you think you can bring to the school?" Talent, ambition, mindfulness, ability, reflection, and acronyms. Tamara. What about you? I think my writing skills would be an asset, as well as my leadership qualities-- Ugh, they snooze, you lose, and that answer may as well have been an Ambien. You need to get your *** together. If we don't get into the same college, we can't be roommates, and then it's the end of Jennara, and then it is ***-suicide time, and you know I'm gonna have to do all the work on that one. Oh, Lace, look. Over there, we had this party Columbus Day weekend sophomore year. It got crazy. "O" to the "M" to the "F" to the "G." This place is like a Pinterest board full of bangable dudes just come to life. Pin. Pin. Pin. Pin. Now who's succumbing to distraction action? You're right. We need to go horsey style. Focus on the task at hand. Come on. Not so fast. I brought a special gift to help you fit in, huh? Now you'll be the spitting image of your old man. I'm not sure that's a good thing. Great. I'd gone from hot incoming freshman to large-sized linebacker in 10 seconds flat. This was the hottest guy I'd ever seen. He made young Leonardo Dicaprio look like old Leonardo Dicaprio. Pin. Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin, pin. Hey, want to go to a party tonight? Sorry. Invite only. It's not that I don't love hearing you sing off-key to imagine dragons, but any idea when you're gonna have your car again? Probably two months from never My parents are so pissed I totaled my car. Yeah, it was pretty stupid of us. We were having fun, man. *** them. [Laughs] Dude, what is your deal? Every day, you're, like, two seconds away from going beast mode. Nothing. Matthew, what's wrong? What is that, your Oprah face? Ugh. All right, fine. I'm-- [Cell phone vibrates] Hold that thought. Oh, sorry. I thought it might be Autumn. We've been texting each other every day. She's really cool. Look at these classes-- "Women's studies 113. From Cleopatra to Angelina Jolie. Power *** through the ages." This is the perfect school for me. While Tamara was obsessing about the course catalog, I was cataloguing my insecurities. This place seemed awesome, but could I really get in? Okay, next stop on our tour. Every time one of my bros passed a final, we'd streak through this quad and then jump in that fountain. I puked in those bushes and those ones - oh, and those ones right there-- - We get it, Kevin. You went to college. On our right, we have the English Department. Do we have any writers in the group? Cool. What do you like to write? Oh, I'm not the writer, but my daughter is. I know, I know. How can I be old enough to have a 17-year-old? But I was young and dumb, and you know it just takes one time without a ***. Okay. Well - Jenna. - Jenna. A lot of great writers have gone here. Who are your favorite authors? I know this. I know this. I'm a writer. Of course I know my favorite authors. So why was Garfield the only word I could think of? He's not even an author. He's a cat. Oh, God. Of course, writers are always the silent type. Straight ahead, you'll see the student union. You're going to get through this. I called you in here because I'm concerned. You've been distant. You're skipping school. You quit your job. I've seen these signs before. You don't know who you are. You're questioning everything you thought you knew about yourself. You're gay. What? - No. No, I'm not. - It's okay, sweetheart. You don't have to pretend. I mean, why else would you work at Preston & Boone? That was just a job. Okay, and2 Boys, 1 Butt is just a movie. Look, it gets better. This is an amazing time to be gay. Just look at that Ellen lady. Just be careful. A cupcake like you could get eaten alive out there. Again, uh, not gay. Of course not. Let's talk Anderson Cooper. Well, that's the end of the tour. For those of you staying overnight, your hosts are waiting over there to meet you. After my tour de humiliation, all I wanted to do was never see Luke again. But if I wanted to prove myself worthy of admission, I needed to face my fears, even if I did need a boost of confidence first. It was time to break the ice. Luke William Faulkner, Joan Didion, and I'm not ashamed to say that I have read everything by VC Andrews. Nice high-low blend. - A woman after my own heart. - Really? I feel like you have an entire bookshelf full of Murakami and Martin Amis. Sure, on the top shelf. Once you get to the bottom, there's an awful lot of Dan Brown. We are going to be totally Baskin Robbins tonight. - 31 flavors of fun? - Duh. Oh, my God, come to the party tonight my sorority's co-hosting with the Lambda Delta Rho boys. The theme is tight and bright. That's my favorite look. I'm the president. Oh, my God, I'm a president too. [Gasps] Hey, you should stop by this fund-raiser tonight. The literacy center-- my band AC/VC Andrews is playing. Can't resist a good pun. - I'll try to make it. - Do that. Hey, shouldn't you be at cheer practice? Not unless I want to ralph! Have you seen Lissa's face when she calls out cheers? Barf City. And I can't even bone my sorrows away, because Austin's away at some *** robotics competition all weekend. Life sucks. Tell me about it. Autumn hasn't responded to my texts all day. Usually we're in constant contact. This hard to get - it's driving me crazy. - That is it. No more wallowing. Let's do something fun tonight. My mom's out of town. Why don't you guys come over? - I thought you were grounded. - Who's leaving the house? I'm in. When's the last time the three of us hung out? - Awesome, okay. Come over around 9:00? You guys having a party? I can bring the ***. I have this huge stash of Cristal left over from when I was dating this dumb wannabe rapper. We can get our own alcohol. Thanks. No, Eva, you should come. Really? I don't want to intrude. - I'm so sure. - We'd love it. - Awesome. I'll see you then. - Okay. Why did you do that? That girl is a straight-up creeper. She's always up in everyone's business. Who's a creeper? Who's up in everyone's business? I know you wanted to go to that fund-raiser, but that idea gives me a sad. Anyway, we have to start thinking what sorority we want to pledge, because we do not want to be Greek Geeks. Maybe T had a point. This was our first college party-- drinking wine, boys in blazers, smart conversations about politics and art with a capital A, and-- Hey, everybody, Edward Fortyhands! Whoo! My dreams of collegiate sophistication had been popped like so many bottles of off-brand ***, which, along with watery beer, was all there was to drink at this party. But really, being a Kaps Gams is all about traditions-- you know, pancake breakfasts, formals, matching tattoos. I mean, like, isn't it all to die for. Death has never sounded so good. Your sorority is amaze-***. *** plus girl talk plus communal closet equals happy Tamara. Oh, my God, you have to rush Kappa Gamma. You are, like, the perfect sister. I'm gonna go to the literacy fund-raiser. Oh. Okay, I'll come with you. No, no, that's okay. You're having fun here. Stay. Are you sure? Yes. In high school, Tamara and I were always on the same page. Even if we get into the same school, was this the end of Jennara? Ooh! Pour me a shot. Seriously, why hasn't Autumn texted yet? Do you think she's with another guy? I've got to 'gram this. Anyway, that's the last time I partied at Butter. - That was an amazing story. - Yeah. So amazing I think it was just actually a retold episode of Gossip Girl. That show is really true to life. I guess if you've never been to New York, it'd be kind of hard to believe, but for us New Yorkers, it actually seemed kind of tame. No, you're not tame. You're a wild man. I can tell. - Oh, yeah? - For sure. Oh, yeah. Wild old Matty McKitten. [Laughter] McKitten. Oh, my-- I totally forgot about that. - Rawr! - [Hisses] What's McKitten? Inside joke. You know what's crazy is that there's a hot tub right there and we're not all in it. Yes! Hot tub. Great. Sadie? I would, but I don't have my suit. Who needs one? Okay. Oh, wow. Sadie, I totally understand if you don't feel comfortable. Why wouldn't I? Damn, Sadie. That's what I love about the south of France. Everyone's topless. They're not prudes like Americans. Sadie, I really admire how comfortable you are with your body. - You're so brave. - I'm not brave. I have amazing ***, unlike you and your sad floppers. Hey, you made it. Wouldn't miss AC/VC Andrews. Totally. Wait. You know that was a joke, right? Yeah, yeah. But you're totally missing out on an opportunity for a song called For Those About To Read. You Read Me All Night Long. Highway To The Attic. That one-- that one was a stretch. Hey, uh, I'll be right back. Uh-oh. Was it my pun that sent Luke running, or was he just distracted by a shinier object? Ugh, were college guys just varsity high-school boys? [Applause] Growing up, my mom had to work multiple jobs just to keep the lights on, and there wasn't a lot of spare time to help me learn how to read. Programs like this helped me learn to love books, and I am so proud to be passing it on to the next generation, along with my love of bad puns. Watching Luke speak eloquently, I couldn't believe how sexy a speech could be. College guys weren't varsity high-school boys. College guys were a whole different ball game. How was that double monster burger? Great. [Groans] I think I need to lie down. So where are we going next? That tiki bar on Main Street looked fun. Ooh, maybe dancing. Hmm. Kevin. Kevin! Oh, I got to pass. I'm in the Magic Zone, and I do not want to hit Hangover City-- population, T. Or worse, cruise into the Yak Zone. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's totally fine. The trick is to keep a tally of how many you drink. Here. [Both giggle] Ooh, sorry. [Both gasp] Oh, my God, Mrs. Hamil-- Shh! That's the best part about college. You get exposed to all these cool people, like pretty girls with killer taste in books. Do you want to get out of here? I absolutely do. [Drum roll] [All cheer] - We should do more shots. - You got it. Boop! To new friends. Oh, party foul. Okay. Time for bed for you. Sadie, I can put him to bed. I'm sure you'd love the chance, but you've done enough. Come on, Matty. All right. It's just a little catfishing. It's totally no big deal. Oh, my butt's buzzing. Oh, bummer. He texted Autumn before he texted you. But he texted me-- me, Tamara, not just Autumn. It's time to celebrate. [Both laugh] I'll be right back with some water. Try not to puke on yourself. [Sighs] Okay. Drink this. Oh, not too fast. Sadie, you are so nice to me. You know, everyone thinks you're so mean, and you are, but you are so nice to me. - Okay, drunky. - You are. You're so nice, and you are so pretty. [Laughs] Oh. So pretty. Hey, why didn't we ever hook up? Oh, my God. Are you serious? I tried. Don't you remember passing out that New Year's Eve? Oh, that was dumb. That was-- Oh, that was so dumb. It was a big regret. - Really? - Mm-hmm. The biggest. - Ew! - [Spits] It's like kissing my sister [Both laugh] which, for all I know, you could be. What? I'm adopted. - Sure, McKibben. - No, it gets better. My parents-- they never told me. Oh, my God. Yeah. Do they know you know? They lied to me my whole life, so why should I tell them the truth? It just sucks. I know. I know. I'm sorry. Hey, what's a seven-letter word for pals, starts with a C? Waking up with a high-school boy, you scramble to pull your clothes on and get home before curfew. Waking up with a college boy, coffee and crosswords. I could get used to this. - "Cronies." - Ah. You're a genius. You're totally gonna ace that interview. Oh, my God. What time is it? I should go. I knew the score. I didn't need to DTR, because this R was already D'd. This was a one-night thing, and that's okay. Hey, I'm gonna be in Palos Verdes later this week. I'd love to see you again. I'd like that. Then it's a date. Okay, that last part was a lie. This is way better. [Cell phone vibrates] [Coughs] [Groans] Ow, ow, ow, ow. *** ***! Ow, that hurt. Really? Walk of shame? Aren't you a little old for that? ***. Listen, nothing happened. - I wasn't worried about that. - And why is that? Because let me tell you, I had quite a few opportunities. Lacey, I trust you completely. I'm just I'm a little disappointed. Oh, please. Are you parenting me? Because ew. We're adults, Lacey. I'm well aware of that, Kevin. Which means that we don't stay out all night. How would it look for Jenna if-- Oh, you know what? Shut up. Excuse me? You had four years of doing this. I never got to go to college, and I never got to be irresponsible, because I was busy raising our daughter. So I think I deserve one God damn night of the college experience. And furthermore, I just got in from six hours of foreplay with some very hot college guys, so somebody better finish me off, and I mean pronto. So, Miss Kaplan, what do you think you can bring to this school? Uh T T Acronyms. Tamara. I'm not sure I understand. What are those marks on your arm? These are reminders of all the ways I would be an asset to this school. There are oh, God, 12 marks-- ways. There are 12 ways. And what are those ways? Well, the first is, um um Oh, God, what is that? Oh, that. [Retching quietly] It's just my Harvard diploma. And that's when I realized that the transformative power of literature is nothing without literacy. If I'm accepted here, I want to volunteer at the literacy center to pass on what I've learned to the next generation. That's fantastic. I have to tell you, Miss Hamilton. You seem like an excellent fit. [Camera shutter clicks] Hey. - How was your interview? - Killed it. But this school isn't that fun. I don't think I want to go here after all. I think I do. Before this weekend, I pictured college as high school but better-- T and I in a permanent slumber party, my parents hundreds of miles away. After this weekend, it was clear college wouldn't be anything like the way I pictured it. [Cell phone vibrates] [Engine turning over] It would be even better. Next on Awkward The Mr. PHHS Pageant is in five days. Are you coming to Jenna's Pageant? - Mom. - I'd love to come. - Ah. - Great. You said you were done catfishing. - Almost. - Things are getting intense. - I'm really into her. - You've never even met her. - Hello? - Autumn, did you hear my song? I loved it. It's you.