Two and a Half Men S6E4 - English Transcript

I really appreciate you getting up so early and driving me to work. I owe you one. Heh. You owed me one when I didn't smother you in your crib. Well, then I owe you two. Ha, ha. My car will be out of the shop in a couple of days. There was a A terrible knock in the engine. Like a: I kept saying, "Come in," but nobody did. Ha-ha-ha. Ooh, carpool lane. That's us. We should - Shut up. - Right. It's 7:00. Where are all these damn people going? Ha, I know, right? I deal with that every day. It's very frustrating. Sometimes I dream about buying a cabin in the woods and - I said shut up. - Yes, you did. People going that way should switch jobs with the people going this way and everybody can leave their freaking cars in the garage. You know, that's a That's a hell of an idea. Right on. Ha, ha. - Don't patronize me. - Sorry. Wait a minute. How are you getting back to Malibu? - Uh, I was Uh, I was hoping Charlie. - No. - Take the bus. - There's no bus from Tarzana to Malibu. Then take a series of busses. And don't get stuck on having to end up in Malibu. Ugh, Charlie Come on. It's just for a couple of days. That's what Mom said when she brought you home from the hospital. Good one. You're a very funny man, ollie. You certainly are. It's Laurel and Hardy. Boy, they used to They used to get in some wacky jams, huh? Oh, what about, uh, Abbott and Costello? Hey, Abbott! Or, uh or, uh, Martin and Lewis. You know Hey, lady! With the flavin and the maving and the wow. Three Stooges? Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. Whoa, why are we stopping? Ow, ow, ow! Oh, a wise guy. Ow! Okay, I don't mind the good-natured brotherly punching but you did not have to twist my nipples. You're lucky I didn't rip them off and feed them to you. Um, if you have to go to the bathroom, there's one down the hallway. - What's wrong with the one in your office? - Uh, it's not for guests. Neither is my house. Um, I think we're out of paper towels. I'll wipe my hands on you. Get out of the way. Morning, Dr. Harper. Morning, Melissa. Hello, Melissa. You rat ***. The bathroom is down the hallway on the right. Good to know. Hi. I'm Charlie, Alars brother. - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too. - Thought you had to ***. - Go away. So how long have you been working for my baby brother? About six months. Wow. He's been keeping you a secret for six months? Charlie, can I talk to you for a minute? There's no reason to thank me for the ride again, Alan. Mi Mercedes, su Mercedes. It's what brothers do when one is vastly more fortunate than the other. Seriously, we need to talk. Excuse us. - She is the best receptionist I've ever had. - I'm hoping to say the same. God, Charlie, please do not crap where I work. Hey, you crap where I live. - So tell me about her. - Oh, there's nothing to tell. She's, uh She's a terrific employee. She does my scheduling, my books. My patients love her. She keeps the operation running like clockwork and she does it all for crappy pay and no benefits. So you're not hitting that? No, I'm not hitting that. And even if I were hitting that, I wouldn't use the phrase "hitting that. " It's a violent image for a beautiful act. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the coast is clear? No, the coast is not clear. The coast is foggy and strewn with dangerously pointy rocks. Can I get either of you a cup of coffee? - No. - Sure. No for both of us. Please leave. All right. - Bye, Melissa. - Bye, Charlie. Hope I see you again. Oh, you'll see me tonight when I come back to pick up your boss. Oh. Oh, no, Charlie. You don't have to make that long drive. I'll take the bus. - I thought there were no busses. - Lf I have to, I'll charter one. Why don't I just give you a ride home? Oh, that is so sweet of you. You got a real gem here, Alan. Tell you what, when you get him home there'll be a cold margarita waiting for you out on my deck. Which overlooks the ocean. On the beach. In Malibu. That sounds wonderful. It's really not. It's chilly, damp and covered with pelican poop. That's why he'll never win the Malibu-slogan contest. Ha, ha! Ahem. - See you tonight, Melissa. - Bye, Charlie. - Have a great day, bro. - I hate you. I hate you too. Gee, your brother is really cute. As a bug. - Bathroom? - Oh, let me give you the key. - Thank you. - You're very welcome. You are a doll. You are cute. She's actually a doll. I wonder if she's anatomically correct. Who's the Smurf? The Smurf is my receptionist. You're letting Charlie hit that? Okay, first of all, that is a very ugly phrase. And second, I'm not letting him. Short of drugging him and dumping him in the woods, what can I do? Yeah. He is like an Alabama bloodhound once he gets a whiff. Now it's just a matter of waiting till it blows up in my face. And after it blows up in my face, it will then circle around and bite me in the ***. That's me. No face, no ***. Well, that's what you get when you mix work and personal. Which is why me and Charlie have always kept everything strictly professional. Yeah. Yeah, I've often wondered about that. When I first started work here, I laid down the law: Lookie, no touchy. Yipes. All right. I'll make you another, but you gotta promise not to chug this one. Promise. What a fun gal. Do you know how hard it is to find a decent receptionist? Well, kudos, bro. You did a great job. Thank you. And I really don't wanna lose her. - Why would you lose her? - Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe because my brother intends to defile and discard her like a warm melon. A warm melon? Nothing. Anyway, my point is uh, you're gonna leave her with memories that can only be erased by removing herself from anything that reminds her of you. Like me. - Is that what you're worried about, Bunky? - Yes, that's what I'm worried about. What did you think? What else would I be worried about? Well, let's see. Your receding hairline, your semiliterate son your budding man ***, but that's just off the top of my head. - Charlie, please, I I am begging you - Look, I understand your concerns. It's not like that. I think Melissa is terrific. Oh, you always think they're terrific. They're terrific before, they're terrific during. It's the after when the crying and quitting start. Why is it always about you? Arert I entitled to some happiness? You've had your share of happiness. You've had your share of happiness, my share, everybody's share. You've sucked the marrow of happiness from the bones of oh, just leave her alone, won't you? Alan, you don't have to worry. You're thinking about the old Charlie. The old hump them and dump them, one-track-mind Charlie. Oh. Oh, right. The old Charlie from way back this morning. I'm serious. I honestly wanna start building a relationship. - Really? - Yeah. Get to know someone. Let her get to know me, have something in common before we jump into bed. - Wow. I'm impressed. - That I'm growing up? No, that you can so easily lie to my face. You'll see. It's gonna be different with Melissa. I'm gonna take my time, form a friendship bond emotionally and then, and only then, take it to the next level. Oh, Charlie. You schmuck. Morning, Dr. Harper. Morning. I like your jammies. Thank you. I, uh I like your Thank you. Guess you're kind of surprised to see me, huh? Yeah, shocked. Well, I hope you know it is not the kind of thing I usually do. You know, hop into bed with a fella zippity quick. - It's really none of my business. - Well, I don't. But Charlie is so sweet and special. Yep, he's a treasure. Yeah, and this works out well for you. Really? Uh, how do you figure? Since your car's still in the shop, we can carpool to and from work. I see. So you'll be coming back? Oh, yeah. Charlie asked me to stay the weekend. - No kidding. - Yeppers. We really made a connection. And it is not just physical. Although the physical part is amazing. Again, none of my business. It is like I have known him all my life. I know the feeling. You get over it. Hey, baby. Hey, yourself. Mm. Do I smell toast? You do. Would you like a slice? I can put butter and jelly on it. Oh, d�j� vu. Ah! Stop it! Terrible. Whoo! Sorry, Dr. Harper. That's okay. I wasrt even listening. I'm gonna take a shower. Hit the road in about 20 minutes? - I thought you were gonna call in sick. - Shush! He's kidding. It's It's okay. Twenty minutes is fine. Great. Alan, you know me as a cynical man but in just one night, that little pixie has melted this cold, lonely heart. You don't say. You may not believe me, but there is something going on here. I really wanna thank you for bringing her into my life. I may not believe you. You know what? Fine. Think what you want. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go play Paul Bunyan Takes a Shower in Tiny Town. Sorry we're running late. That's all right. Shower lasted a bit longer than I planned. Yeah, well, uh, that happens. I gotta tell you, I am just crazy about your brother. Swell. Hope it works out. And how is a guy like that still single? Well, uh, he's always been a bit of a butterfly, you know. Fluttering through life, hard to pin down. And being a fall-down drunk is kind of a speed bump for some of the ladies. Such a jokester, Dr. Harper. Either that or put a gun in my mouth. Oh, listen. On the way home, we have to swing by my apartment so I can get some clothes for the weekend. Mm-hm. And I'm gonna need a little extra time for lunch today. Wanna buy some sexy lingerie, heh for, you know. I do. Can I pick you up anything? Yeah, yeah, um, ear plugs would be nice. And that gun I mentioned. Nothing special. I'm only gonna use it just the once. - Hey, Jake. - Hey. Gotta hit the crapper. You must be Judith. I'm sorry, do I know you? I'm Melissa, Dr. Harper's receptionist. We talk on the phone all the time. Oh, right, Melissa. It's nice to finally meet you. Alan! Oh. Oh, hey. Hey. Hi, uh, hi, Judith. This is Melissa. Melissa, Judith. It's not what it looks like. Charlie's doing her, not me. - And, uh, where is Charlie anyway? - Taking a nap. Hmm. - He says I drain him. Isn't that adorable? Adorable, disturbing, whatever. Uh, thanks, I've got this. Your brother and your receptionist? What? The volvo's in the shop. He twisted my nipples and peed in my office. - What? I'm not thrilled, but what can I do? You could think about the effect these shenanigans have on your son. Okay, you know what, Judith? I have enough problems. If you're not comfortable leaving Jake here for the weekend, then take him home. Nice try, Alan. You think Uncle Charlie and Melissa are coming down for lunch? I doubt it. - Can I have their chicken? - Knock yourself out. You know how you say I can ask you anything? - Yeah? - Is them being together weird for you? No, no. Well, you're a better man than I. - How so? - Well, remember when Uncle Charlie was hitting my fifth-grade teacher? - Okay. Can we please stop calling it "hitting"? I got another word, but I don't think you're gonna like it. Fine. Fine, then I do remember when he was hitting your fifth-grade teacher. - That kind of bugged me. - Well, I'm sorry. - Don't think there should be boundaries? - I do think that. But I thought you said it's not weird he's hitting your receptionist. Ah, uh, well, pal, um, the thing is, um Daddy lied. - Oh, then it is weird for you? - Yes, yes, it's weird for me. - Are you jealous? - Uh, no, no. Because I was a little bit jealous about Miss Pasternak. She had a rocking bod. Eat your chicken. Melissa? We, uh, need to get a move on. A lot of traffic, what with the rain and all. We need a minute, Alan. - Oh, God. What can they do in a minute that they didn't do all weekend? You are just a selfish son of a *** and you can go right to hell! Sorry, Dr. Harper. I'll be in the car. Well, that could've gone better. I knew it. I thought it might take longer than 48 hours, but I knew it. Hey, hey, hey. A little sensitivity would be appreciated. I'm hurting here. I'm sure a lot of that is friction burn. - Whoa, whoa, where does that come from? - Oh, where does it come from? It comes from a long history of you using my life as a specimen cup. Excuse me, but you're still talking about the old Charlie. This Charlie was hoping to have a relationship of substance and depth. By locking a stranger in your room and hitting it for two days straight? Okay, mea culpa. Change is hard. And now that I'm hearing it, I agree with you. "Hitting it" is an ugly term. - Don't change the subject. What happened? Nothing. I just said to her maybe we should slow things down see other people. What? You said this after the two days? How could I know beforehand? I thought you'd be happy. You didn't want me to go out with her in the first place. Yes, but it's no longer the first place. It's the last place. What can I tell you, Alan? I made a mistake. I rushed to love. No, no. Your mistake was you rushed to love my receptionist. The woman I depend upon to run my business. Oh, she's a good kid. She'll get over it. You hear that? Does that sound like a woman who's getting over it? Well, Alan, the wounds are fresh. - You're gonna need to be patient. - Why should I have to be patient? Well, you have to work with her. And it sounds like you better get going. Sure you don't wanna come back to my office and hump my fax machine? Wow. You still have a fax machine? You're despicable. - Alan, wait. - What? - Let me make it up to you. - How could you make it up to me? Well, I'm guessing she won't be inclined to bring you back here tonight so why don't you take a cab and I'll pay for it? Thanks. That makes up for everything. I'm talking cab, not town car. Oh, man. Breakups are so hard. Ow! Huh. I do have a little friction burn. That miserable son of a ***. You might wanna extend your brake zone on the wet roads. It's a little - I'm so stupid. - No, no, no. You're not stupid. You're a dear, sweet, remarkably bright Truck. Watch out for the truck! Watch out for the truck! - I want a raise. - Sure, sure. - And health insurance. - A given. Can't believe you don't have it. - And a paid vacation. - Hang on a second. There's only Aah! Two weeks, two weeks, two weeks!