National Lampoon Presents One, Two, Many - English Transcript

orchestral horse neighs, collapses rock Well, she's gone And l won't be coming home l heard that a broken heart ls better left alone After1,000 miles Maybe l'll get by There's just one thing to say lt's just a matteroftime lt's just a matteroftime lt's just a matteroftime Yeah lt's just a matteroftime lt's just a matteroftime Yeah, yes, it is lt's just a matteroftime lt's just a matteroftime Yeah, yes, it is cries You know, they say with every life experience, there's a lesson to be learned, and, man, did l learn mine. See, that was me, fantasizing about every woman l saw. See, l was what you might call a horn dog, a playboy, a ***. l'm what you ladies might call, well... a scumbag. See, l wasn't a bad guy, it's just that every girl l saw, ljust-- ljust had to get into bed with. panting Oh, yeah. screams Unh! Uhh! Excuse me. Well, almost every girl l saw. Uhh! Anyway, l always wanted to get married, be a dad, have kids, but how could l do both? l mean, how could l keep on being with women, and start a family? Than l had this brilliant idea. bell dings l need to find a girl that would be willing to bring otherwomen into bed with me. Well, what happened to Kelly? l broke up with her. Well, she broke up with me. Actually, she hitme overthe head with a nine iron, then broke up with me. Unh! She hit you overthe head with a nine iron? Actually, it was a fouriron, but who's counting? Unh! Why? Because l was cheating on her. Oh. See, l had this wandering *** problem. lt's like a vagining rod. All right, and she was upset with you, right, Tom? sobbing No, l don't think so. Mm-hmm. See, every time l see a new girl, l gotta get her-- Acceptance. Acceptance? You can't say no, Thomas. You cheat because you wantthe constant love and approval from others because you nevergotthose things from yourfamily. Yoursiblings ridiculed you, yourdad beatyou, humiliated you, and neveraccepted you. Well, not exactly. Doc, how can my *** have anything to do with the family? Then, when you get these women to love you, you wantto get rid ofthem. Why would l do that? You question their credibility if they could love a loserlike yourself. l do? Yeah. Yourfamily considered you a loser, Thomas. And that's why you seek the constant love and affection from others. To prove them wrong. Doc, couldn't it just be that l'm ***? Doubtful, Thomas. Look, you push people away who love you because you feel unworthy oflove, happiness, self-respect. And we're seeing these same things happen in your relationships. You try and create obstacles that'll keep you from having a happy relationship. For instance, rememberJasmine? Yeah. Well, you dumped her. She had hygiene problems. Hervagina was shaved like the Hitler mustache. Every time l went down on her, l thought of the Third Reich. What about Charlene? She had nine fingers. Well, Debra. Please. Look, at least when l take a dump, and there's people nearby, l have the courtesy to flush to drown outthe noise. farting Thomas, don'tyou see, you create these problems. What do you mean? Well, this one...farts, this one has nine fingers, and this one has a funny-looking... hoo-haha. lt's not that. ljust need to find a woman that'll allow otherwomen into bed with us. That, Derek, is my idea of the perfect woman. Well, could be hard to find a woman that accommodating. Perhaps we should call her the hard to find woman. laughs Sorry, Thomas, it's, uh... Time's up. chuckling l'm telling you, man, l'm gonna find her. Good. l mean, there's gotta be a girl like that out there somewhere. Right, right. We'll see you nextweek. All right, man. See ya, doc. Right. What do you think of monogamy? Well, my father used to have a coffee table that was made out of that. No, no, no. Monogamy. Not mahogany. Oh, oh. lt's absolutely horrible. lt's so disgusting. You mean you've neverbeen in a serious relationship? Well, yeah, of course. l love my boyfriend. Wait a minute, if you love your boyfriend, why don't you like monogamy? Look, pay me forthe dance. So, why are you here? See, l figured if l found a woman who's already into being with women, well, then, l'm halfway there. Listen, ***, the sight of a *** makes me gag. What? Yes, that's right. Single white male... 33? ...seeks bisexual woman... Justthink, l could be having sex with you while the girl's having sex with you, too. laughs You're kidding, right? stammers ...who seeks relationship with man... l think we're a part of the earth, you know? We're born in the earth, and we die in the earth. l love everybody. No, l love everything. They're all so beautiful to me. Everything excites me. l-- Do you look at people? Look at everyone. Look at everyone. All people excite me. Oh! ...but allows man to have sex with otherwomen with woman. Hey, do you want to see my impression of a monkey? Sure. whimpers, screeches like chimp Likes tennis... l have a hard time getting it up after doing that crap. Really? l dated a guy like that once. lt was so funny. He was a real whacko. He used to punch himself in the head because he got so mad at himself. l've had some wacky boyfriends. My last boyfriend drank all the milk from my *** in the middle ofthe night. My newborn was starving the nextmorning. l was forgiving though. My fathertold me l'm a very forgiving person. ln fact, right before he died, he told me dialogue speeds up l was his favorite child, which really pissed my sisteroff. She found out because l was telling Well. my motherand she was in the otherroom. The walls were paperthin. Speaking ofpaper, did you read The Post this morning? l did. lt had an article about That's funny-- a guy who made love to his dog. Speaking ofwhich, my dog passed away when l was seven. Oh, really? l cried so hard. l think itaffected me later in life. Nowl can't deal with loss, which is why l won't go to Atlantic City. See, part of me likes to gamble, but anotherpart of me doesn't. Which part of you shuts the *** up? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wouldn't it be great if we were with another girl right now? Yeah, you would love it, wouldn't you, dirty girl? Come on, let me in! l was kidding! l was just kidding! Okay, great! Okay, great! Gerald is bigger. No wonderyou need a walker. Let me in! Let me in! Ernie, l think l found my mission in life. So what's your big mission, to rob a bank? No, l think l figured out howto make this relationship thing work. Relationship thing? Dude, howmany times l have to tell you, *** prostitutes. Fora fewhundred bucks a night, you'll save thousands on alimony. Yeah, and blow it on STD medications? Nah. Dude, what l need to do is find a girlfriend that would allow otherwomen into bed with me. You gota better chance of robbing a bank. l'm gonna get something to eat. Again. Yeah, l'm fat. Want some peanuts, stuttermonkey? Here ya go. My...mom says you... guys are j-just jealous. That jealousy line neverworks. l know. Yeah, stutter-face, we're alljealous. We all wantto be stuttering idiots. Hey, kid, come here. Who are you? Who am l? You gonna tell him, Joey, orshould l? l'm a warlock. A male witch. And if you ever pick on Joey again, next time you're trying to go to sleep, l'll be in yourroom, watching you. ln the corner, in the closet, underthe bed. And that night, when you finally do getto sleep, you'll have the worst nightmare of yourlife. You might not even wake up. Come on, we don't believe in warlocks. Oh, you don't believe in warlocks? Do you? No. No? Well, watch this. You see that guy overthere? Unh! coughing choking coughs Now get out ofhere before l turn you into a bunch of frogs. What's up, Joey? Hey, thanks, but now my only friends are gone. Friends? Joey, those kids ain't yourfriends, man. Let me tell you something. You'll be lucky in yourwhole life to have three great friends. And that's in yourwhole life. l only got one. Moms don't count, Ern. No, l'm serious, Joey. l mean, you need to find kids that share your interests, you know? Kids that you have something in common with. That's where you'll find a real friend. Thanks, Dr. ***' Phil. bedsprings squeaking, moaning Ah, come on, guys. Jeez, l'm trying to sleep here. Man Move to the right. moaning Even l can't last that long! telephone rings Hang on, l'll be right there. rings Don't hang up. Hello? Thomas. Hey, Johnny, what's up? Hey, dude, l got some *** going on. Yeah. Fill in forme today. ***. Again? Come on, Johnny. lt's Saturday. l know, l know. Why can'tyou do it? l gota commercial. You gota commercial? Yeah, national. National? Guinness. Guinness? Oh, you lucky ***. So then why are you crying? My girljust left my, bro. You're crying because yourgirl left you? Are you kidding me? No, dude. l'd trade a chick fora national commercial any day of the week. Come on, there's a million other chicks out there. l don't think l can live without her. Oh, give me a break. Jesus Christ, Ken! What are you doing? Sorry, l need movie time. Haven't you ever heard ofMoviefone? Oh, God! Oh! What was that? Nothing. Ken's on a *** rampage again. l should go gay. l'd get more *** that way. Come on, bro. All right, l'll do it, but you owe me. funny voice Hey, kids, how ya doin'? Come on over. kids Yay! How's everybody doin'? kids Good! What's the difference between snotand spinach? kids What? Kids won't eat spinach. kids laugh Hey, you guys wanna see a trick? kids Yeah! Well, l'm gonna need an assistant. Who should l get over here? Howabout the birthday girl Shelby? Shelby, l'm gonna pick you to volunteer. Well, how can she be a volunteer if you're picking her? Who are you, Judge Judy? What am l supposed to do? Why don'tyou come over here and hold this hat? Hey, get over here, you varmints! Shelby, give him his nose back. Get over here! l'm gonna get ya! Get over here! You knowwhat, you keep that one! l'll take his! Besides, his is funnier looking. Get over here! Give me that nose! kids shouting Give me that face! l only smoke when l drink l only drink when l breathe They're some great kids, man. Thanks. l always wanted to be a dad some day. burps ls it hard? No, man, being a good dad's easy. lt's being that good husband thing that gets a little tricky. l know, right? lt's hard being faithful, isn't it? Well-- telephone rings Nah, you know what? lf you're really in love, you find the right girl, then afterthat, you don't even pay attention to otherwomen. Oh, my God, you're such a big guy. Oh, Seamus! Woman Seamus, pick up the phone! Hold on. Hello? Yeah, Edgar. Are you kidding me, Edgar? You're *** leaving me fora cruise ship? Look, l knowthatyou've done me a ton offavors-- Motherfuckerjust put me on hold. What an ***. ***. Yeah, Edgar. Look, l'm sorry, but there's no way l'd keep it available foryou till you get back. Fine. Think Titanic. Bye. God damn. ***. You know, my wife tells me you're a good actor. Hey, thanks, man. Great with the kids. You know, l'm a producerfor Vito and Valerie's Wedding. Really? Get out ofhere. l'm a big fan ofthat show. A big fan. Yeah, right. Anyway... What would you think about, just fora little while, now, taking overthe part ofDanny, the best man? l would love to. Doesn't mean you're not gonna pay me forthe party, does it? No, man, l'll still pay. Butyou gotta know, Vito and Valerie's is one weird place to be. What could be weirderthan this? Vito, you can forget about it because l'm not marrying you. Butwe're already married. Well, nowwe're officially unmarried. Nowwhatwe'd like you to do is talk to some ofthe actors who are going to be main characters in the show. Jillian plays Valerie. Paul plays Vito. Edgar, who you are replacing as Danny, and his showgirl friend Natalie, played by Danielle. Okay? Okay. Great. Look, it's all about reality. Acting is about reality. Yeah, l know, l'm an actor. l don't know what you heard before, but acting is about reality. Yeah, dude, l know, l'm an actor. l took acting lessons foryears. You gotta be real. You have to be real, do you understand? The moments, they need to be real. You'll be great. That's what acting is. lt's based in... Reality. lt's about reality, isn't it? Okay, Valerie is the star ofthe show. Danny is not the star of the show, okay? Danny's the best man. Now, Valerie and Danny, they don't get along. Danny does bestwhen he stays out ofValerie's way. Okay. Danny deals drugs, sells stolen carstereos, but best of all, Danny gets to *** around. What do you mean? Well, you know, gets to flirt with the audience, talk about his *** escapades. ln fact, Danny tells 'em one time he banged this blond *** on the pooltable at Mr. Angelino's club. Wow. Yeah, shoved a pool cue straight up herass. Think...pig. The sell is good. Danny and Natalie have the best relationship. The most important thing to remember is that we are really in love. We believe that we have one ofthe best and most wonderful relationships in the show. l'm a little confused. Edgartold me that Danny gets to fool around all the time. What? Yeah, in fact, he told me he banged a girl on the pool table at Mr. Angelino's club. Are you kidding me? No. That...***'s cheating on me? Look, l don't know what he told you, but Danny is a faithful guy in a happy relationship. l won't even tell you what he did with the pool cue. l don't get it, Ern. There's, like, nobody attractive in the whole frickin' play. You would think with at least 20 some-odd cast members, there'd be at least one that's my type. You mean to tell me not one guy was yourtype? Very funny. What do you care, anyway? You gota legitimate actingjob instead of playing a clown forsome *** kids. Yeah, l know. ljust had the feeling l'd meet at least one decent chick in the whole play. l gotta get in shape. What do you think l should give up first, drinking orsmoking? Howabout eating? So why do you come to the gym anyway? Forthe chicks. Everybody knows the hottest chicks hang out at the gym. That's how they stay hot. 199. Hey, chicks. 200. See me training forthe Olympics? Really? So soon. l thought the Special Olympics didn't starttill June. Nowwe have the wedding These two loving hearts They love one another l'll break-- Nope. And nowwe have-- Damn. Ow! God. Hi. Hi. l hearyou wentto NYU. Uh, yeah. So did l. Oh, yeah. Great. Okay. Well... Nice meeting you. Thomas Yeah, great. Oh, damn. What an ***. Who does he think he is, De Niro? Everything looks fabulous. Butwhere are the balloons? Jimmy, where are the balloons? Look, Rocco, it's a long story, okay? Jimmy, where are the balloons? Look, yesterday l went overto Rocco's, and...l'll go check the rectory. You check yourrectum. God, where are the balloons? Don't worry about it, Rocco. lt'll be fine. lt's just balloons, all right? Look at Mrs. G. She said she lost 30 pounds forthe wedding. lt's like throwing a deck chair offthe Queen Mary. laughter She's like Barney. l love you, l love food laughter Oh, my God. lt is so nice to finally meetyou. You look just like that, um, actress from The Poseidon Adventure. Oh, my God, what's hername? Um, uh... gasps Oh, yeah. Ernest Borgnine. You don't say. That's a really beautiful hat you're wearing. Well, l never. Hey, Eddie Gaga. Howyou doin'? When'd you get out? How's the family? You gotmy money? We celebrate the wedding OfVito and Valerie Yi yi yi yi yi yi yah ?Cómo estás? Brooklyn in the house! Hey! Dear brothers and sisters, we gatherhere today to celebrate the love of Vito and Valerie. speakingforeign language And let's make it quick because l got a funeral at 9. Please kiss the bride. So, how'd you feel about doing the show? l was a little nervous, man. Okay, l guess. You had a better first day than Edgar. l think he pissed himself. Paul, l gotta ask you a question. How come there's no hot chicks in this show? l mean, who cast it? Rocco? laughs Aw, there's a couple. Not Gillian. Danielle is a whacko. What about Jennifer? Jennifer. Who's Jennifer? The girl that plays Marilyn. You mean the ditz? Oh, come on. She's notthat pretty. l don't know, man. Jennifer is one of the hottest girls in the show. No, that's the chick that plays Marilyn, man. She's way too *** looking. Okay, yeah. The *** ditz not so pretty, that's nice. l'm out of here. Yeah, all right. Wait, it's you. You're Marilyn? Oh, my God, you were great. No, l'm Jennifer, the girl who plays Marilyn. Also the girl who tried to talk to you earlier. You kind of blew heroff. Nowl knowwhy. Why? 'Cause you're a jerk. Take care, Paul. Later, Jennifer. Yeah. Hey, wait. sputters That was beautiful. sighs Hi. Hey, howare you? Fine. How are you? Good. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Please, please. That was you. You know, the guitar, the string, the eye. And then you were in character, you have a ditzy accent... Yeah, l was acting. And you were great. Big fan. Big fan. Don't kiss up. Look, l'm sorry. Whatever. We are getting off to a bad start here. Could we start again, please? Can we start again, please? Yeah. Could we start again, please? Looks like you've made yourpoint now Hey, l'm leaving. Oh, no, no, no. l'm just kidding. l promise, no more singing. Butwhere are you going tonight My little angel? laughs Okay. You're a whacko. l'm an idiot, actually, but... A little bit. He's the idiot. This guy's an ***. l'm a good guy. So where are you going? Uh, oh, God. Afew of us from the cast are going to try and get in a scar party at Tattoo. Tattoo? Are you kidding me? l knowthe bouncerthere. l can get us on the list. No, don't try and be nice now. l am nice. Just gotta get to know me. l grow on people. Like a fungus. scoffs dance Thanks forgetting us in the club. No problem. So, am l forgiven orwhat? Ohhh...almost. Well, how can l complete youract offorgiveness? Wow, this dance is, you know, not hurting, but, uh, how about a drink? What do you want? Whiskey, baby. You got it. laughs Can l get a whiskey, please? Trying to get this girl to like me. Want a tip? Sure. Stop dancing. Very funny. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me. Sir? Excuse me-- Man, get away from me. Sir, if you don't mind, l'd like to cut in here. l mind. Nowback off ofme before l kick yourass. Oh, l see. Big mouth to overcompensate my tiny little ***. Excuse me, ***-- l mean, sir-- but l am with her. And if you don't take yourstinkin' hands off her, l'm gonna kick yourass all overthe dance floor. Oh, willyou? Yes. l think. B-b-b-b-b-b... So, am l forgiven? laughs Yes. Thank you. So do you have a boyfriend? Oh, not really. Not really? We're kind of on the outs right now. Oh. How come? Uh...he treats me like a sex object, he, you know, neverlistens to anything l say, he doesn't care about what l do or howl feel. l don't think he's heard a word l said in the last two years. And you? What? laughs l'm kidding. l'm so kidding. laughs Ohhh. No. ljust ended my relationship with my last girlfriend. l'm sorry. Oh, no, no, no. l cheated on her. Man, l meetall the winners. That's horrible. Yeah, l know, but she was never rightforme anyway. Uh-huh. French fries and brown gravy. Thank you. Thank you. So, you were saying? Well...nevermind. No, come on, say it. ljust don't think l could be happy in a monogamous relationship. l mean, l'll never cheat oranything. l felt horrible after doing that. l'll-- l'll never do it again. So what are you saying? Are you sure you won't think l'm a schmuck forsaying this? l betl will think you're a schmuck, but you should go ahead and say it. Well, in one second you might be needing this. See, in a perfect world, l would like girlfriend to be with otherwomen with me. There, l said it. l don't think that's that weird. You don't? No. Lots of girls have been with otherwomen, orat least, you know, thought about it. That's totally something l would do if l were in love with a guy. You would? Yeah. l mean... Would you let the woman be with othermen in this? No way! Absolutely not! Oh, God, first of all, l'm way too insecure, and the thought of touching another man's naked, hairy *** would make me puke. And there's nothing l want more than a little *** in the morning. laughs You want another steak to go? Uh, no, that's okay. So have you everbeen with a woman? Oh. Oh, Lordy! Could l have the check, please? Thank you. That would be great. l have neverbeen. But...you know, l've fantasized about it. And when l was in ninth grade, l used to kiss my best girlfriend. l mean, we were preparing forwhen guys would kiss us. giggles Oh, my God. With tongue? No, with elbow. Wow. So l take it that might be something you'd be interested in? Well...l don't know. l mean... l guess l think if two people love each other, then they shouldn't stop themselves from being happy. And, ifl knew the guy loved me, and l was numberone with him... then, yeah, l guess l would be okay with that. Oh, my God, you are the perfect woman. l know. laughing How's your eye? Eye? Uh-huh. Oh, the eye. Uh-huh. l feel like a moron with this on my face. You look a little like a moron. Do you want some? Here you go. No! giggling So yourparents ever come see the show? My dad did. My mom... Ugh, forget about it. l don't even know where she is, so... What is she, a flight attendant? No, a drug addict. Aw,jeez, l'm sorry. Yeah, you know. She was never really around when l was growing up. My dad divorced her when we were five, raised us on his own. But que sera sera. Whateverwill be will be Okay, you promised. l'm sorry. This is me. Well, l had a great time. Yeah, me, too. l'm sorry about youreye. Aw, that's all right. Well... this is where l decide if l should kiss you ornot. Would you like to kiss me? Would l like to? l would love to. The question is, would you like to kiss me? l guess you're just going to have to find out. Oh, God. All right. Mm... You think maybe this is where l should ask foryour phone number? laughs When you think you're all alone in the world no audible dialogue When you think you've neverever been heard Probably right, it's probably true 'Cause nobody cares As much as you do When you wake me in the middle ofthe night l can't always reply, but l'll try Some dreams are just foryou Not even l can care as much as you'd like me to 'Cause nobody cares As much as you do no audible dialogue When l have forgotten my name You call it out and there l am again moaning l'm ready. All right, hold on a second. l'll hurry. Oh! No, no! No, notforthat. Oh, God. moaning l meant...to be with otherwomen. What? Really? Yeah. Well, l mean, l knowit's going to make you happy and... l think we should talk about it. l don't wantto do anything that you'd be uncomfortable doing. No, it's not that. l'm good with doing it. And you don't mind me participating in it? No, notatall. giggles All right, great. Well, l have a plan of attack-- Okay, but... there are going to be some rules. Rules? Rule number one: we can't be with somebody that we already know. No problem. Rule numbertwo: we can't be with anybody at our place, because l don'twant these women to know where we live. Okay. Rule numberthree: l understand you're going to want to tell yourfriends, but only one friend and that's it. Why? Because l don't want, like, my personal life hitting the gossip pages on the show. Wait, wait, wait, wait. l might have to draw the line there. What good is this *** if l can't brag about it? Okay, then. Forget about it. No, no, all right. Just kidding,just kidding. But psychologists aren't considered friends, right? What? No. Yeah, fine, fine. Great. Easy enough. And lastly, rule numberfour: whoeverwe have sex with we can never be with them again. You can never, and l mean ever, see thatwoman again, be it socially, business, whatever. Why? Because l don't want to have a relationship with these people. That would be weird. ditzy accent lt would ruin the whole thing. Okay, l guess l could do that. l betyou can. laughs All right, where do we find her? Oh, l got a plan. l have a friend at Make a Wish. laughing Oh, God. no audible dialogue Jen, come on! Jen, come on! Jen! Come on! Jen, l love you. Come on, that girl was ugly nextto you. You're so much hotterthan her. Please. God, l don't think this is going to work. Can't we just do each other? Jen, l was just going to do it like l thought you would, too. Come on, Jen, you're the only one for me. l love you. Come on, this is just about sex, right? Ugh. All right, yes. l'm sorry. lt's just the first time, okay? lt's going to take a little getting used to. Allthe guys in there, staring? Can't we just use a ***? That way, it would just be the three of us at least. You got it. Thomas l think l'm in love. lt was wonderful! l'm in love! l can't believe it! Well, Thomas, that's great. She's having a hard time getting into being with the otherwomen thing. l mean, she wants to and all. We just gotta find the right situation. Well, you do realize that you're asking a lot. Well, yeah. And you knowshe loves you. Yeah. See, Thomas, that's where l think we're having ourlittle problem. What? Thomas, you don't really think she loves you. Derek, l know she loves me. Thomas, you never felt loved by yourfamily, so how can you expect to feel loved now? ln fact, you are so scared of not being loved, you push people away before they have a chance to hurt you. l mean, Kelly loved you, but you didn't think so. And now Jennifer loves you. ln fact, she's willing to have sex with otherwomen foryou. Thomas, you have got to realize that yourfamily through the eyes of you as a kid is no more. Yeah. Stop hearing allthose negative things yourfamily said to you and realize that when you were a kid you digested the horrible, negative thoughts, and a part of you has made them yourown thoughts. Basically, Thomas, just realize that Jennifer is not yoursiblings oryourfather. Thomas. Thomas! Oh! clock ticking Time's up. ding Wonder Burger! different inflections Wonder Burger. WonderBurger. Wonder Burger. Hey, Ern, you get these prostitutes. Where do you getthem from? All right! l see Project Three-way is back up and running. Dude, what caliber of *** do you want? l don't know, someone hot. Notany *** coke *** oranything. l knowwhatyou want, man. You want the Park Avenue variety, right? Dude. Whoa. Howmuch? 700 a night. whispering $700 a night? Are you kidding? changing inflections l love you, too, honey! l love you, too, honey! What, you want the best, don't you? You don't wantto wind up with the *** thatl *** when l'm out of cash, do you? No. No, that's all right. The last one had more chest hairthan me. Think her name was Louie. Thomas Burns, you're next. Oh. All right, see you later, Ern. l was here first. Hi. Hi. door closes Hi, guys. Thomas, this is Miranda and this is Benjamin. Benjamin. Sorry. Hey, Benjamin. Benjamin. Oh, sorry. Howare you? l want you to just... slate yourname forthe camera, okay? And just begin. All right. Hey, look, there are two ways l could go with this, you know? ls it okay ifl try them both? l'm sure that both ofyourchoices are going to be just so great, but really, we have a lot of people to run, so just do yourfavorite. Thomas,just go with yourgut. l loved your cell phone commercial. Yeah, upstaged by a monkey? Okay, can we get started, please? Thank you. clears throat Okay. expels breath Hi, my name is Thomas Burns. My agent is Joseph ***. Honey, where were you? You know, l was driving home and l was thinking ofhow much l loved you, so l decided to bring you home a little surprise. Flowers? Betterthan that. Diamonds? Betterthan that. A new car? Even betterthan that! Honey, what could it be? Wonder Burgers! Oh, my God, Wonder Burgers. l love you. l love you, too. Nowlet's eat! And, cut. Thank you. Howwas l? You were great. Thanks, Ben-hey-mean. Ben-ha-mean. Sorry. Take care. How'd it go? Okay, l guess. Well, you neverknow. See ya. Oh, Ern, Ern, got a tip foryou. The guy in there, he loves to be called by his first name. Which--Which is? Benjamin. Thanks, man. All right, take care. Good luck! Benjamin. Wonder Burger. changes inflection Wonder Burger. So where'd you get this ***'s number, huh? Eh, it's the place Ernie always uses. Ernie? l don't wantto have sex with someone Ernie's been with. Why? He's a normal, upstanding citizen kind of guy. Oh, yeah, right. He's with prostitutes. Look. Here, l got these numbers out of the YellowPages. Pick one. Oh, thank you, darling. All right, fine. dialing phone Yeah, hi. Can l get one ofyour best body prostitutes? laughs Escorts. Sorry. Yeah. Hold on. Do you want blond, brunette, black, white, Asian, Latina? l don't care. Well--Well, l've never had Asian, but Latina sounds scrumptious. God, it's like you're ordering take-out. All right, you knowwhat? Whoeveryou can get here the quickest. All right. You have a part-time aerobics instructor. Perfect! Make sure they bring a dental damn. H-- Hold on. Awhat? A dental damn. l don't want to get diseases. Could you bring a dental damn? You don't have dental damns. What would that be for? Okay, l get it, l get it. No-- Wait. Could you hold on a second? What? Ask herto bring Saran Wrap. Saran Wrap? Yes. Are you kidding? No, do it. clears throat All right, could you pick up Saran Wrap? Look, l knowyou're not a grocery store. l'll throwin an extra 50 bucks if you bring Saran Wrap. Great! Okay, my credit card number is-- yelps Oh, my God, hold-- l'm so sorry. Just hold on a second. What? Then they're going to knowwho we are. Yeah? So l don'twant *** me flyers coming to my house forthe rest of my natural life. *** me flyer? All right, l'm just going to pay cash. Yes, the Edwards Hotel, room 1904. Thank you. Bye. l can't believe l have a *** picking us up Saran Wrap from a deli. giggling Honey, that weed has made me hungry. Should l call back and have her get some chicken cutlets while she's there? You're wasted. cackling All right. shivering Okay. punching buttons l need $100 fora tip. punching buttons machine whirring Keep the change, my friend. l'm getting laid! And you're only giving me seven? Heh, very funny. Hi, l'm Sally. Anyone orderSaran Wrap? Uh, h-hi. l'm Jennifer and this is Thomas. Hi, Sally. So nice to meet you. Hi. l'm sorry about the Saran Wrap. We've neverdone this before. We're a little nervous. That's all right. Yourwife is completely gorgeous! Relax. This should be fun. Would you like a drink? Sure. How's *** and cranberry? Sounds great. So do l pay you the 500 up front or do l pay you later? 500? lt's 800. recordscratches They told me 500. Did they tellyou that? No. 500 is forone person. lf there's two people, it's gonna be 800. clicks tongue You gotta be kidding me. All right, hold on. l'll be right back. You still want this? All right. All right, she said $800. l have $600. Which means l need $200. Oh, and then there's the tip. Man, l'm so freakin' wasted. Well, fora few more dollars l could be, too. machine whirring So, are you still seeing him? No. Haven't heard from him in weeks. Do you think it was the job? Nah. That's howwe met. Never bothered him before. Uff. Men. Men. Okay, let's party! Ho ho ho! Whoa! Wow! So nowwhat? Well, nowwe get undressed. We get undressed! lt's okay. giggling What are you waiting for? Come on, baby, give me kisses. Mm. Ah. Oh, no tongue. No tongue? Really? Yeah. Safety reasons. And going down on my girlfriend's okay? Well, yes, but the $800 doesn't include that. What does it include? Well, kissing, touching, feeling, intercourse. And no cunnilinguses? Well, that would be extra. What the *** you think the Saran Wrap was for? l don't know, chicken cutlets? Thomas Oh, man! You knowwhat? lt's okay. l don't need it. No, no, no, no, no. Howmuch foreverything? Athousand dollars for everything. Athousand dollars? Athousand dollars? All right, Jen, just don't worry about it. This whole experience can't be mired with restrictions. That would suck. l feel like l'm having sex with a traffic cop. All right, l'll be right back. Stay here, get more undressed! This chick ain'ta ***, she's a freakin'thief. What's going on? lt's out of money? You gotta be kidding me! This has gotta be some kind ofmistake. So was youroutfit. Oh, come on! Come on! All right, l gotta go to anotherATM. All right. Taxi! Taxi! Are you kidding me? You ***! Taxi! Taxi! l hope he gets here soon. l have a bachelor party at 12. Mm, l wonderwhat's taking him so long. harps What the world needs is love, lots more love. lt's like that Hendricks song. The Hendricks? Hendricks to me, Hendricks? He said, Let love rule. That was Lenny Kravitz. Right. l'm just saying there's so much hatred. We need love instead. Who are you, John Lennon? Nah, l don't even like the Stones. He was in The Beatles. Eh... tires screeching pounding Wake up! Bush, Bush is the one that brought in all the hatred. You knowwhatl'm saying? He's-- He's the dumbest thing l eversaw in my life. lt's the first presidentwe have that l think l'm smarterthan. l'm not saying l'm a genius, but l could take this guy in a Scrabble game, you know? pounding Take him in Scrabble? You can't take me two blocks without falling asleep. Bush is so money hungry and oil thirsty, he's the one that's causing allthese problems. He really is. All right, we're here. All right, dude, can you wait here? l'll be right back. All right, but the meter's gonna keep running. Yeah, not as much as your mouth. Cabbie? l can't. l'm waiting forthe guy by the ATM. Aw, come on, dude, you have to hook me up. Howmuch is the meter? lt's five, but l can't. l'll give you twice as much if you let us in. Come on, above the fare. Nah, it's wrong. l'm waiting forthe guy. l can't. Clark! Come on, man, l'm never going to get a cab this late at night. Do me a favor, hearme out. l'll give you $20 before you start the meter. How does that sound? All right, get in, get in. Go! Hey! What are you, kidding me? Clark Oh, cabbie, wake up! Wake up, cabbie! Wake up! What's the weirdestthing that's everhappened to you? Mm, one time a guy asked me to *** on his head. Yeah. Oh... Uh-oh. gurgling Jennifer Oh, God! How can you eat that? That spicy food would have me running to the bathroom. You kidding? l got one of those cast-iron stomach. Ugh, you're lucky. No, l'm a man, baby. My stomach is built forwar. laughing Oh, you're going to be sorry. gurgling Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh... Help! Help! Stop! Help! Help! Stop! Let go! Help! Help! Oh, God. This is awful. Let go! farting gurgling toilets flushing farting plopping farting plopping farting, plopping grunting grunting farting, plopping screaming grunting Oh! Oh! whispering What?... l wonderwhat she ate. sotto voce Oh, no. Holy ***. Oh, no. farts Hello? Excuse me? high voice l'll be out in a minute. Ugh! Sorry! Wait a second, you're not even in a wheelchair. nervous laugh Ate some bad stuff. Come on, already. farts Aw, ***. Get out ofthere already. l'll be right out. farting *** Come on! normal voice Just give me a break! Come on! *** Hello? *** *** Come on, l've gotta take a ***! *** Ugh. toilet flushes l mean, do you everthink why the national debt keeps getting higher? Justthink, if the president just taxed everybody anotherdollar, we'd just wipe the whole thing out? Hmm. sighs Come on. men laughing ding Hello. Hello. Hey, dude, let me ask you something. lfl say hello, why can't you respond with hello? ls that thatfuckin' hard? ls that gonna ruin yourwhole freakin' night? Hello. There. Did that hurt yourtonsils? You must be having a bad night. Yes, l am! You're very observant, Sherlock, aren't you? Who's this, yourpartner? You, Watson, do you speak? Do you? Ordo you communicate telepathically? Because ifyou do, could you hear what l'm thinking now? ding He says you can go *** yourself, too. Nowhowthe *** did he know l was thinking that? sighs What's going on? Honey, she's gotta leave. l'm sorry. You took too long. What the *** is this? You knowwhat? lt's really okay. l'm getting kind oftired anyway. What? Just relax. Relax? l was just all over Manhattan getting cash. Look, l gotta go. l'm sorry. Do you have my $500? $500, are you kidding? Hey, it's not my fault you didn't have the money. Just pay her. Oh, my God. Night. Be safe. So that's it, huh? You knowwhat, honey? lt's okay. We will do this anothertime. Jesus Christ, this sucks. lt's kind of funny if you think about it. lt's kind of funny? ljust wiped my *** with a hundred bucks. l thought itwas 500. *** ATMs only give you 20s. Come on, cheer up. We'll getthis right one ofthese days. Now come on, let's get crazy. Wait. Howmuch is this going to cost me? laughs Come on. whistles Hmm. l don't know, Thomas. l've been thinking maybe l should settle down, start a family. Afamily? Jeez, Ern, what brought this up? yelling in foreign language Hmm. Huh. Well, l don't know. l'm not getting any younger. My mom keeps bugging me to spawn. Ernie, do you ever do anything that yourmommy doesn't tell you to do? yelling in foreign language Sure l do. Like what? l don't know. She wanted me to be a doctor ora lawyerand l'm not. That's because you got a 400 on yourSATs. 450. Prick. l gota big date tonight. Oh, yeah? Howmuch she charge? Actually, it's nota real date. lt's one ofthose Jewish singles dating things. What the ***? Whoa! gibberish Let's just go by the hole; she'll neverhit it there. Leave it to this cheap public golf course to team us up with the yin-yang twins. Hey, Ernie, Jenniferand l are going to go see Darla Weddings play tonight. You wanna come? No, man. l gotthis Jewish singles thing. Ow! Oh! Jesus Christ! yelling in foreign language opening soda can yelling in foreign language ...chubby! Hey, yell at me, l'll ***-- Hey, hey! Calm down, Ernie. Calm down. Lunatic! Nobody's gonna tell me Howto make a newfriend l'm on my own again Thank you and have a good night. lsn't she great? Eh, she was all right. laughs l'm just kidding. She's great. l need a drink. Come on. All right. Hey, man, you got a Guinness? Uh, Guinness. Uh, uh, l... Tom. Tom Burns. Yeah. Yeah, it's me, Dorman Howell. Oh, Dorman Howell. Howyou doing, man? l'm good, man. Howyou doing? How's it going? lt's going good, man. This is my girlfriend Jennifer. Hey, there. Nice to meet you. Hey, there, yourself. chuckles Did you guys enjoy the show? Yes. Yeah, she was great, man. She's really good. l dig it, l dig it. Hey, do you guys wanna-- you guys wanna meet her? l'm-- l'm friends with her. Get outta here. Yeah. You're friends with her? Yeah. You have a friend? Shh! l got...one. God. He was hated in college. He's gonna get us backstage. Exceptforyou. Thanks for remembering. laughing You guys wanna get backstage? Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. l'll introduce you. Oh, my God. All right, let's go. You owe me forthis. l know. laughs crowdwhistles, cheers Hey. whistles Hey, baby. Good to see you. Darla, come here for one sec. Darla, this is Jenniferand Tom. They're friends ofmine. Hi, Darla. Hey. Big fan, big fan. Thank you. Thanks forcoming. Oh, it's wonderful to meet you. Yeah, you, too. Thanks forcoming. Darla, Tom's an old college buddy of mine. You might recognize him from the Sprint PCS commercials. Yeah, l'm the guy that places a call to a monkey. Oh, of course. Yeah, like you saw it. Not really. l didn't think so. No, l don't think so, either. Drinks? You'd ladies like some drinks. Oh, yes. You calling me a lady? l think l am. Yeah, l'll have a beer. Are you buying? Oh, you are such a cheapo. Good, good, 'cause l have no money. Oh, God. Wild Turkey. Hello? Uh, yeah, what she's having. Oh. Well, really? l gotta tell you, you were really great tonight. giggles Thank you. So, howlong have you been with Thomas? Oh, like six months. Wow, six months? That's a long time. chuckles Good foryou. Are you faithful? Well, you know, we have an arrangement. Sort of. Really? What, so you're allowed to cheat? No, but, uh, we-- He--We... ...are with otherwomen. At least, we would like to be. Well, that sounds like a really good arrangement for him. l hope you getto be with othermen, too. Well, not exactly. Well, it sounds like he's gotthe betterend of the deal, then, huh? ln fact, l know he's gotthe better end ofthe deal. You wanna hear my impression of Yoda? Mm-hmm. imitating Yoda Mmm, a Jediyou are. chuckles Wanna hearmy impression of Groverfrom Sesame Street? Uh-huh. same voice Mmm, a Jediyou are. laughs You get it? lt's the same guy. You get it? Oh, l'm such an idiot. Hey, Darla. Hey. Hey, when's your album coming out. l don't know, a couple months, l guess. Oh, so exciting. Yeah. Yeah, l loved that last song you did. Oh, thank you. l think l could sing the chorus of it. No. No. No. God. l always thought l was a good singer, you know? Come on. You knowwhat, you guys, let's get out of here. You want to come back to my place and get some drinks? chuckles Yeah. Yeah, come on. Let's go. laughing Hey. Okay, so, there's drinks overthere, there's joints on the coffee table, and l'm gonna go clean up, and l'll be back. Man, this is great. Such a nice place. God. So, how cool is this? A Darla Weedings lighter. l wonderhow much l could getfor this on e-bay. Thomas Burns, put that back. Putthat back. l guess we should smoke, huh? lf a gay guy gets a bartellis in, is that foreplay? lt's good forhim. both laughing So, Thomas, Jennifer tells me ofyour little arrangement. And it sounds pretty interesting. Arrangement? Yeah, l mean, l've been wanting to *** yourgirlfriend all night. lf thatmeans l have to *** you, too, well, l'll take it. Really? You're serious? Uh-huh. Do you want to watch me kiss her? *** yeah. Oh, man. Whoa. Oh, my God. Gracias, mi amigas Gracias, mi amigas Gracias, mi amigas Seven times. lt's gotta be some kind of record. Seven times. Man, thatwas great. Man, thatwas great. God, Darla's so cute. She's gotthat kick-*** body. Did ljust say that out loud? What an idiot! Oh, TMl! Did ljust say TMl? Oh, how gay am l? Pull over. What? What's the matter? Jen, what's wrong? Nothing. What do you mean, nothing? Something's bothering you. Tell me what it is. You were all over hertonight. l mightas well not have even been there. Oh, come on, it was-- That's ridiculous. No, nowyou're going on about how hot she is, and howperfect her body is. Jen,just perfect forus. l mean, you know, forthe first time we do this, come on. l mean, you know, l was just saying-- l mean, how lucky did we get to have the first girl be this cute? Do you want to keep talking? Really? No, l'm just saying. Okay, l'm sorry. l'm really sorry. lt's just the first time. l got excited. l'm an idiot. l promise. Please, don't make me beg you. l love you. l'm an idiot. l promise, l'm a schmuck. How do you say it in Jewish? l'm a schmuck. Please, help me out. Shut up, already. Shut up, already. All right, shut up. Shut up. So, are you and Jennifer gonna see Darla again? We kind of have this rule that we're only supposed to be with a girl once, but Darla was great, man. A regularpro. l see. Howabout you, Derek? l mean, do you have a... ...girlfriend? Well, this isn't about me, Thomas, but, no, l haven't found that special... ...someone as of late. Well, it's getting to be about thattime, so... Hey, um, Darla called. She wants to hang out tonight, maybe get some drinks. Yes! What? Nothing, l'm just having-- You know, some people in the gym over here. Really? l mean, l know it's breaking rule numberone, but, um, l don't mind if you don't. l don't have a problem with it, unless, of course, you do. No, l don't have a problem with it. Oh. Butl told Ernie l'd meet him fora few drinks. Oh. ls it all right ifhe came fora little while? Don't worry, he can't stay long. Fine. Yeah, it's been really hard to have some serious relationships while l'm on the road. Oh. Who has better come on lines, men orwomen? Well, l really wouldn't know 'cause l'm too busy coming on to the women. laughs Come on, what about the men? The men? Uh-huh. Oh, please. The men. God, l don't think they really care about anything else except their own ***. Damn, that place is way too loud. l couldn't even hear myself. You know, my father was deaf in his right ear, which is weird, because that's the ear he always wanted me to talk into. l don't like loud music. That's how you get tinnitus. That's a constant ringing in yourears that could lead to deafness, which would just be awful. So how does one get this tinnitus? Loud music, ljust told you that. Aren'tyou listening to what l'm saying? Don't worry, l'm not mad. l'm a very forgiving person. My father told me l was... Hey, what's up? Oh. Hey, baby. What's going on? Am l late? lt's 10:00. No, no, no. We got here early. chuckles How early, two this afternoon? Like 8:30. She got out of rehearsal early. Ah. Hey, Darla, this is my good friend Ernie. Hi. Hey. Mm-hmm. laughs l'm starved. Can we getanything to eat? Oh, well, as to our conversation, but theirstomachs before that. What? Nothing, tiger. No, no, no, what? No, l gotta go to the ladies room. l really gotta go. Gotta go. You wanna come? l'll come. Oh, let's go. See ya. All right, have fun. l can't wait to showher Ernie Junior. She's hot. She is. What's that look? Nothing. What? That guy Ernie's pretty strange. He keeps staring at me with this stupid smile on his face. Get the *** out ofhere. That's right. You gotta be kidding. Nope. Jesus Christ. How'd you do that? Don't ask. That's every guy's fantasy, to *** two chicks at the same time, and with a celebrity, no less! You lucky ***. No, Ern, skill. Skill. Dude, you gotta make me a videotape. Get out ofhere. And Jenniferdoesn't mind thatyou're giving it to some other chick at the same time. No, 'cause she's having a good time, too. Wow. l don't know what to say. Well, there's a first. ***. ***. So, howyou doin'? How's the *** parade going? lt's actually all right. What, two forone sale? l met a nice normal girl, actually. Really? Where? At that Jewish singles thing. Great. What happened? Well, they made everybody go up and give, like, a speech about themselves, you know? So it's my turn to go up there. l get up in front of the whole crowd. l look over the *** crowd, and l say... Yeah, uh, hi, everybody. My name's Ernest Weinberg, and l got one question. Where the *** are the hot chicks at? This place sucks! l paid 99 bucks to meet a bunch of old people and their parents? Holy ***. l've seen younger faces on cash. Oh, and guys, do you want a piece of advice? You want to get laid? Lose the *** obnoxious beards. This sucks. l don't understand something, then. So where'd you meet the girl? On the way out. She's the coat check girl. Sorry! Hey. You're pretty. There's only one problem. She's gota job. No. Worse. She's gota ***? She's Catholic. Yeah? Yeah, l'm Jewish. Yeah? Yeah, so, l can't get serious with a Catholic girl, it goes against every part of my religion. What, and banging prostitutes doesn't? l can't bring a Catholic girl home. My mom will kill me. Oh, my God, there you go with your motheragain. What, does she own yourpenis? Yes. Dude, being a Jew ora Catholic, it's like being a Yankee ora Metfan. The only difference is where a Yankee fan could recognize a good player like Carlos Delgado playing forthe Mets, the Jews can't appreciate a good player like Jesus playing forthe Catholics. Uh-huh. l mean, they must be jealous. l mean, he's young, virile, swimmer's body, can walk on water. And you know what really pisses them off? lt's that he was once on theirteam. That's kind oflike when the Red Sox got rid of Babe Ruth. Are you done? Dude, do you really believe Moses parted the Red Sea? Yes. lt was lowtide. You're going to hell. No, l'm going overthere. ***! moaning Jennifer, where are you going? Jen! Wait up! Where are you going? What's the matter? Oh, here we go again. Here we go again? Nowwhat is it? This is ***. You were all over her. You don't care anything aboutme. Oh, come on, Jen. Notagain with this. You knowwhatl think, Thomas? Being loved just by me isn't giood enough foryou. Jen, of course it is. Come on, willyou stop it with this? Look, sweetums, l love you more than love itself. This Darla chick is nothing mroe to me than a *** receptacle. *** receptacle? You're an ***. Just kidding. Figure of speech. Poetic license. Jen, come on. Listen, Jen, you wanted this, too. As soon as l started enjoying myself, you gotta *** it up. Oh, here we go. Everything has to be about you. Oh, whatare you talking about? You knowwhat, Jen? You're freaking nuts. Totally nuts. And nowyou're gonna leave. Howtypical. Just great. Just great. l hope one day you get whatyou want. Come on, Jennifer! Give me a break! l love you? l don't know, man. l'm miserable. l'm freaking out. l mean, it's been a week. l can't eat, l can't think. l can't even jerk off. Well, don't you see herin the show? Nah. Edgar's back from the cruise. Unfortunately, his boat didn't sink. Well, why don't you stop by, say hi, work it out. Of course, man. She's wrong. l mean, she'd agreed to doing this. ***. You know, Thomas, you realize you ask a lot of her. l mean, this threesome stuff is pretty tricky stuff. Especially with someone you love. Thomas, you do know that she did love you. l mean, she does love you, and maybe she just needs to be assured that you still feel the same way about her. Maybe it's time that you reach out to her. l mean, do you still love her? l love her more than anything. And can you dealwith just making love to her? Thomas, don't let her go. Find her. Sex, it's temporary. But love, real love, it's pretty hard to find. Hey, Thomas. You gota callback, too? Congratulations. Yeah, same with you. Great, man. Hey, dude, meet my new girlfriend. Maria. Hi. Hi, nice to meetyou. Nice to meet you. Hey, Thomas, you're next. Great. Wish me luck. Dude, dude, dude, dude. Break a leg in there, man. What do you think? Huh. She's a tomato, huh? Yeah, she's great. What happened to hereyes? Umbrella accident. Howyou doin', man? You hearfrom Jennifer? Nah, she's staying with Tracy. Hey, what happened to your mom and her anti-Catholic position? *** her. Hey, Tommy, this is Johnny. l need you to do this clown thing forme one more time. One last time. lt's in Long lsland. l'll even let you bothermy father's car. ljust gotta work this thing out with my girl. sighs Great. Thanks for the job, Johnny. l'm a freaking clown again. Who says clown ain't happy? So freaking happy. That and 9 bucks will get me a coffee at Starbucks. Thomas, what, are you *** nuts? Why you whining? Who the hell are you? l'm yourbetterhalf. Think of all the gashish you can get now. Thomas, go back to her. She loves you. You love her. Forget her. You *** heralready. Move on. Thomas, think clearly. Followyourheart. Go back to her. Don't listen to this ***. He wouldn't know a good piece of *** if it sat on his face. His idea of a good time is playing on that *** annoying harp all day. And by the way, he's a horrible *** harp player. God had to buy earplugs. farts Ooh, that smarts. Thomas, think ofJennifer, think of you. Shut up, you ***. Listen, Thomas, if he had any pull, he'd be riding shotgun. Thomas, think about it. This one decision will be with you forthe rest of yourlife. Wait. What am l thinking? l miss Jennifer. Jesus, l love her. Who the heck needs this threesome crap? You *** ***, bone-smoking ***, *** piece of ***. Jen? Jennifermoaning Oh, God. What the *** is this? What the ***'s going on here? Tom? Yeah, Tom. Don't mind me, Jen. Go head, let Darla finish. ***. Jennifer, are you kidding me? You're *** cheating on me? Ugh. Cheating on you? She broke up with you. Aweek ago. Jen, one *** week? That's all it took to get overme, one *** week? Look, Tommy, l'm really sorry. Can l talk to you about this later? Can l maybe call you? Can you call me? You're sorry? You're sorry? Jen, how can you do this to me? What do you wantme to say? l like being with Darla. She makes me feel good. Jen, this doesn't botheryou in the least? Are you that *** heartless? Heartless? Give me a break. Give you a break? Howabout all yourfucking rules? Don't be with the same women twice, don't be with anyone we know. Sound familiar, doesn't it, Jen? You're *** breaking the rules here, not me. Tom, l think you should go. You think l should go? Yeah, l'm pretty sure that's what she said. You want me to go? Jen, can't you see she's playing some sick kind of *** game? l'm playing a game? l'm playing a game? You were the one that wanted to share her with any girl that was available. You know, ifl had her as a girlfriend, l would never share herwith anyone. Ever. Jen, this is it? l thought... sighs grunting stuttering Hey, Thomas. This is my friend Stephanie. stuttering Hi, Thomas. Hey, guys. Dad, that's him. That's the guy. Him? Yeah. You gotta be kidding me. Well, look who it is. What? So where do you get off telling my kid that you're a warlock, scaring him halfto death? The kid can't sleep. He's been sleeping in my room every night. Look, l'm sorry. Butmaybe if you teach your kid to stop picking on kids with speech impediments-- Hey, look, ***, don't tell me howto raise my kid. Dude, don't make me have to kick yourass again, all right? Ah! Damn! God! grunting Where are you? Come over here! l'll kick yourass! Oh, ***. Carry me on yourback Foras long as you can Try to getme home Don't leave me alone Butl'm alive Bend me, lay me down phone ringing beep answering machine This is Thomas. And Jennifer. Leave a message afterthe... beep Yo, Tommy boy, it's Ernie. You're not gonna believe this. Dude, l got the commercial! lt's national! Haha! Oh, uh, l'm sorry you didn't get it, bro. Oh, and l'm getting married. Dude, call me. phone ringing beep answering machine This is Thomas. And Jennifer. Leave a message afterthe... beep Hey, Thomas, it's Seamus. Edgar has to leave for anothercruise again and... What? Oh, he isn't going? Sorry, Thomas. Turns out he isn't leaving. Hope all is well. clatter banging, springs creaking Man #1 *** it, *** it. Ken Oh, yes! Oh! Oh, baby! Rear, on the rear. sighs Almost! There it is! Smearit on yourface, smearit on yourface. knocking at door moans, yells continue indistinctly knocking continues knocking groans knocking knocking Hi. Hi. Hi. Oh, my God, Derek. Hi. Um... What are you doing here? Thank you. Whoa! That was weird. You don't understand. What's up? Well, l've been trying to reach you, but your phone's disconnected. So, yourfriend Ernie, he gave me youraddress. So l came by. Oh, wh-- what's going on? There's a commercial that you're perfect for, so l was in the neighborhood so l brought it by foryou here. Whoa, thanks a lot. That's really nice ofyou. Ah, is this it? Mm-hmm. Thanks a lot. Cool. All right. Well, take care. Take care, Thomas. Hey, do you want to geta cup of coffee orsomething with me? You want to get a cup of coffee with me? l--l haven't showered in, like, three days. Three weeks. Oh, come on. l mean, it's-- it just isn'ta good time. You know? Don't make me beg. Don't make you beg? No, l'm not gonna make you beg. All right. keys jingling Don't you have a boyfriend? l did. l don't anymore. He kept trying to get me to sleep with otherwomen. Really? Really? What an ***. l guess the moral of the story is, if you love whatyou got and you got what you love, don't *** it up. rock