Senior Skip Day - English Transcript

This has got to be a dream. Stuff like this just does not happen in my life. I mean, look at her. She is beautiful. Adam! And she just said my name. My God, she's like an animal. That's disgusting. It's like the fourth time... that this has happened this month! Lucy, please get off me. Oh, come here you dirty ***. Adam, get out of bed, lazy man! Will you just tell her I can't come down... I'm sick. I don't feel well. You don't look sick. My hands are all cold and clammy. You totally stole that trick from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Busted. Come on, Adam, this is your big day. Senior Skip Day, it's a rite of passage. It's like the best thing about being a senior! Where are they having it? Huh, I don't know. You could have the Skip Day party here, just like your sister did. Mom, I've apologized about that party a million times. I still can't figure out how my bed ended up in the pool. Lucky for you, Adam doesn't even want to go. Honey, why don't you want to go? 'Cause I'll be miserable. You have party in your genes. Back in my day, which was not that long ago, I never missed a party. I was known as the disco queen. Uh-huh. And every guy knew it. It's not easy when your mom is cooler than you are. Mm-mm. You can stop now. And this reminds me of something. Holy Lord! Is this about a girl or something? Okay. Yes, it is about a girl. And... huh, frankly... I just don't feel like going to a party... to watch her make out with her boyfriend. Honey, that's kind’a gay. I don't want to talk about it anymore, okay! On a completely different note, doesn't this Lamar Washington go to your school? Yeah, why? It says that his brother died over the weekend. Yeah, that kid had cancer. The paper says that he died in a skydiving accident. What was he doing skydiving? It was one of those make a last wish kind of things. Oh, that's so *** up! Yeah. So look, this kid would do anything to be in your shoes. You have to seize the day. Okay. Seize-the-day. [pop music] This is my high school. This *** place is filled with your standard group of stock characters... that inhabit every high school in America. Huh, this right here, this is Scott Taylor. He's one of those guys that's sort of like... "Oh, I'm M r. Cool, everybody loves me, I'm so popular"... but really, he's just a bit of a ***. Give me a break. For guys like me... it doesn't get much better than high school. I mean, look at me, I'm the man. I'd better enjoy it, because in 10 years... I'll probably be working at some *** H R dept. or something. Actually, I picture you sweating it at a used car dealership. Maybe Congress. Oh, this right here, this is Laura. She's Whippany Park's prom queen. *** off! Classic man hater. But only until I find true love... until then, I kind’a like being a big ***. Yeah. Good luck. Oh, and... huh, this is Denise. She's, huh... she's... always talking about her ***. Does this top make my *** look good? No, no, that would be your, huh... your ***! They make your *** look good. You know Pam Anderson's surgery? The one she had in '97 with areola adjustment? I wanna get that one. Then I'll be beautiful, right? Poor girl. Adam! You're sensitive. Hey, and then there's, huh... Isha. Tell them about the slaughter. She's hot but she's crazy. The slaughter in the Middle East? No! The slaughter of animals! And for what?! To feed the public's blood thirst for red meat. Ain't that a leather handbag? This is designer! Am I the only senior Whippany Park, with a *** conscience?! Oh, and huh... this is... this is Snippy. He, huh... he smokes way too much pot. Yeah... surely I do imbibe in copious herbage... but I don't drink alcohol, I made straight A's... and I show the utmost respect for ladies. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. And there's Carla. [record scratches] It makes you uncomfortable, doesn't it? Well, imagine how I feel. I've been in love with this girl since junior high. I mean, she's just, she's perfect. I am not perfect. If I don't shave my legs every single day, I start looking like that monkey chick from Planet of the Apes. She's perfect in every way, shape and form. - Man, did you hear? - Hear what? The Skip Day party is supposed to be at the principal's house? I already know that, that's Ralph, he planned that. He's a genius. Ralph Lee Ohe-zang! Party at Dickwalter's, tell everybody. Party at Dickwalter's. Hey man, party at Dickwalter's. Party at Dickwalter's? There's a party at Mr. Dickwalter's. Really? That's fantastic. A party at Mr. Dickwalter's. You know what's weird, that I'm Mr. Dickwalter. So maybe I should be there. Adam, you did the right thing. Oh my God. Hey, Laura hey... I wanno *** you so... huh... so, huh... Oh... oh, hey sweetheart. Hey! Hi! Are you ready to get the hell out of here? Know what I'm picturing right now? I think I can probably guess. You and me on Dickwalter's bed. - Really. - Oh... Mr. Dickwalter. Oh my God, these sheets are so soft. - Scott. - Oh... Oh, yeah, this blanket, it is so smooth and huh... Maybe you should just *** Dickwalter. Girl! It reminded me of my wedding night. I felt like a *** all over again. Yes you did. You thought you could... mess with me, didn't you? [gong] You won't believe what these kids had planned for my house, Minn. And I never laid a hand on him, it's not my style. By the way, is that new? It's very flattering. Oh, you like... I told you he was gonna like my new shirt. Settle down, people. Settle down. I know it's all part of Skip Day tradition. You sign in, then you skip out, a little "*** you" to the system... nothing wrong with that, that's what makes America great. However, for the next 45 minutes... Um, are you okay? you belong to Mr. Rigetti. Sure. Snippy I Would you care to take attendance for the class today. Huh... we're all here, dude. Snippy, that's the last time I slip you any of my chronic, huh? Don't touch me! Rigetti's been clean and sober for 14 years. I have a special Senior Skip Day announcement. I'm here with Ralph Lee Oheng. Ralph... Tell them what you told me. Hold on. Speak, Ralph. One second. Speak you ***, or I'll crack your head like a melon. [Speaking Korean] Whoa, whoa, whoa. I took you too far back. Speak English. Look, I'm sorry, alright. I'm sorry. Blame me. I did it, I planned the whole thing. - It's your fault right? - It's my fault... I planned the Skip Day. You sorry for what you did? Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Okay, okay. Alright... You did good. Well, looks like Ralph has peed in his pants. Don't worry, I'm not mad at you. By the way... I just spoke to the admissions department at Harvard University... where Mr. Cheng planned to attend in the fall. He will not be going now. How many of the rest of you would like to join him... in the minimum wage club? For instance. Peter O' Leary, still interested in going to Michigan State? Gary Glenn, I suppose you're still interested in Cal Arts? Timmy Cisineros, Apex Tech? What the hell is Apex Tech? What's with his choise? I n addition, there's something very important here I want you to know. I would not have been privy to any of this information... without the aid of a very special student. Someone I respect a lot. So as you're going through your day, hitting the books, I want you to think to yourselves, "Maybe I should be a little more like Adam Harris". Wough... I don't *** believe you, Harris. Oh, bro! Alright Scott, knock it off. No, Mr. Rigetti, this is *** ***. That Adam Harris here had to ruin our Skip Day. No Relax, dude, sit down. Alright, take it easy. - Yeah, that's enough! - Okay people... It happened, alright? it sucks. You think Rigetti doesn't know life sucks. I wanna die right now. I wanna die. I wanna curl up into a little ball... and I wanna die. How's it going? I'm... I'm alright, how are you doing? - ***. - Yeah... I heard about your brother, I'm so sorry about that. Yeah, *** sucks. What's that? Oh this? This *** eulogy. I didn't expect him to die so quick, I was still working on it. Jesus, that's rough. ***, who're you telling? Now I gotta change all this cancer crap... into this parachute malfunction for the funeral today. Funeral? Wait, wait, where's the funeral service? At my Auntie's house where we had that ***' party last fall. You hang in there. - Thanks, man. - Yeah. Funeral, huh? Okay, alright look. I know this is bad, okay? But look at me. I mean, I'm desperate here, okay? My entire class hates me. I'm backed up against a wall, alright? So don't judge me. A skydiving accident? Yes, sir. You said he had cancer. Oh, he did sir. So, if a kid has cancer, what's he doing jumping out of an airplane? Well, he was living life to the fullest, sir. And, and I think it's only fitting, that we take a page... from little Jamal Washington's short yet fearless life... and that we set aside whatever excellent curriculum... our teachers may have prepared for us this afternoon... and instead, suffer through a much crueler but ultimately... far more powerful lesson. That is, the frailty of human life. I don't know, Adam, sounds a little far fetched to me. Mr. Dickwalter, if I may, you need to ask yourself... why would I tip you off to the location of the Skip Day party... saving your house and your personal belongings... from a vicious thrashing, I might add... only to create some fantastic mirage? You know, if this was from any other student but you... I'd be a little suspicious, but considering it's you Adam, you're different. Yes, sir. You spend your time studying and debating. They spend all their time drinking and having sex. Yeah. We're not so different, you and I. Oh! You remind me of me when I was your age. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Out from the same cloth, as they say. Huh? Huh? Huh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, huh, yeah! That'a boy! Don't be afraid of it, son. I think I'm gonna puke. A school lies in mourning. A little boy has died. So, I declare this day Jamal Washington Day. I am actually impressed with you man. Yeah, way to save your *** from getting dry docked by the entire senior class. So what now? Wait, wait, wait, everybody, um, just... huh, hang on one second. Please, um. Look, I know... I know I really messed things up today... huh... with my... with my big mouth. - You suck. - Uh-huh... but, see the thing is, we could still turn this into the best Skip Day ever. We'll have the party at my house. Harris, that is so nice of you. And I bet you have a whole basement full of alcohol for us to drink? Do ya? No?! Look buddy, you're in over your head here. A party at your house is gonna be lame. Come on, let's go. I can get you ***. How do you know this guy? I don't know this guy. Well, how do you know him? I don't. I thought he was your friend. Holy ***, that's a lot of *** for 40 dollars. We can go now. That guy's got a gun. That guy's got a gun. Start the car, Sicki! - ***, ***, ***. - Roll up the window! Drive the car! Drive the car! Drive! Drive! - Oh, ***! Jesus. - My *** window! - What the ***. - Jesus! That was awesome. Tough break, cancer boy dying in a freak skydiving accident. Yeah, I did a little parachute work myself. I was a paratrooper in the Gulf War, the first one. The big one. - Did you? - Yep. My instructor told me that 1 in 17, 000 jumps go bad, and only.. a quarter of those are fatal. Would it surprise you, Dickwalter, if I told you... that only 1 in 3.8 million kids have cancer? Okay. And his funeral lands on Skip Day, I mean... what are the odds? It's gotta be astronomical, like getting the lottery. Maybe that's what I'll do right now, Mr. Dickwalter. Maybe I'll go buy a lottery ticket. Hey, I can't carry the speakers by myself. What'd you say? Can't carry the speakers by yourself? That's 'cause you're a ***. What's your deal, man? I love high school. You do? You ***' nuts? *** no, this is the best time of your life. Really? You build your future on the foundation that's poured during high school. Don't squander it, son. Hello, ma'am. Hello. Oh no. - Oh Blanche. - What's she doing here? She must have escaped from the home again. Well, that can't be over here long. Say, Minn, what do you know about this Washington kid's funeral? So, what you trying to say? That because I'm black, I gotta know where... every other black person's funeral is at? Oh, Jesus. - That we all know one another? - Here we go. Every black person is a *** cousin. Frankly, yes. Well, I'll have you know that I'm married to a white man. Fantastic. Very touching words, Auntie Sue. Thank you very much. And now, Jamal's Uncle Sheik would like to sing a song in loving memory. This goes out to Jamal, yeah. Wasserman, Weston. Washington. Alright. Hello, who this? Lamar, is that you? Huh, yeah. Who this? "Who this?" It's Mr. Dickwalter. Okay, Mr. Dickwalter. What do you want? What's going on over there, Lamar? What'd you think? I'm at my brother's funeral! Doesn't sound like any funeral I've ever been to. It sounds more like a party to me. Who're you talking to? It's my principal, Mr. Dickwalter. Give me that. Tell me what's really going on over there, you little ***. How 'bout you go *** yourself! How 'bout-hello? How 'bout I go *** myself? I don't *** myself, my friend. I don't *** myself ever. You *** yourself. People *** themselves. Not me! [cell phone rings] ***! Listen to me. You call this *** number one more *** time... and I'm gonna back my brand new Escalade over your *** skull! I don't... Hm-mm, where you going? To do some more generalizing about black folks? Number one, yes. Number two, shut up! Number three, I think that Adam Harris was duped... and there really is a Senior Skip Day party going on. And I'm just the guy to bust it. Hey, Snippy, we should have the party right here. I appreciate the thought... but'd you really think my house is appropriately situated... for such a festive gathering? Let me check. Jes... Dude! Your house has wheels! Come on... Should have held onto that kid when I had him. [blaring rap music] Turn that crap down! Yeah, you better leave! So, what're you thinking? I'm thinking... I'm thinking... that we're gonna make the biggest gravity ***... that this world has ever seen. With all this ***? Oh yeah. That'll get you high. Okay, fellas, alright, we got alcohol, we got music... we got the world's biggest gravity *** ***... that I've ever seen, or I wanna see, to tell you the truth. But listen, there's just one more thing missing here. You see what I mean? I know, oh yeah... yeah. *** them out. A little pick 'em and stick'em. You know what I mean now? Yes, I do. Hi, huh, is this the Bornstein Modeling Agency? Yeah... hi, I was wondering if you had any girls available for a party this afternoon. No. Okay. Well, that makes perfect sense. Yes, thank you. Okay, bye. So? They do not do parties. They told you to *** off, didn't they? Yes, they did... they did. Hey Bornstein? Where the *** are my models? Oh, the ones I called about over a month ago. For the *** lingerie shoot. Look, I'm paying for a crew to sit here and do nothing. They better be here in 30 minutes... or it'll be your ***! Yeah. 10 Forrest Lane, Fucko! Gentlemen, I'm gonna go beat off before they get here. Oh my God, I'm so sorry we're late. Sorry, we had a hard time finding your street. We're so ready to go. So, where do you want us? H hideous. Absolutely hideous. Oh what, did we make a little pit stop at the Krispy Kreme on the way? Oww. Silence! Let's do this! Yes, beautiful. Yes, yes, do that. Now, give me a little giggle. Just a little, yes, good, good. That is sexy. Okay, pop it up, pop it up. Beautiful. That's it. What is it? Hold Bessy. Hey, Adam's party's up and running. Really? Look. *** bag pulled it off. Well, let's go. No. No, it's gonna suck balls. Scott, I am not gonna spend Skip Day in bed with you... while the rest of our class is partying over at Adam's house. What's wrong with being in bed with me? - Can you please stop being so pushy? - Pushy? I just really wanna do this, I think we're ready. Yeah, I know, me too. But, let's do it over at the party, like we said. Oh. Party. ***. Smoke, smoke, smoke your boat. Smoke it down the stream. Smoke it, smoke it, smoke some more, Smokey, smokey. Oh, I'm so excited! Oh, a cutie just showed up. That's no cutie, that's my sister. - Why would your sister care? - Trust me... there's some bad family history with Skip Day parties. Look, we need to hide, everybody needs to hide,.. we need to get rid of the alcohol, and you need to get rid of Blanche. Looks like she might like a cocktail. I don't know why we're doing this. She'd like a few. Um, I would say probably somewhere around, like, $650, 000. Oh ***, I forgot my keys. There is no fashion shoot, okay? He is not a photographer. And I'm sure one of you must have figured out by now, he's not French, this mustache is fake. Let's save this, save this. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Look, we're holding my Skip Day party here. And, the only way we could get people to come is if we had pictures of really hot girls. Dude, that sounds so gay when you put it like that. And now your sister's coming here... and you want us to hide in the closet. Yeah... that's pretty much it, yep. Wow, that's so cute. I know. I never even had a Skip Day party. True, mine did get busted. Can we stay here for yours? Get in the closet. Get in, get in, get in, get in. You gotta get her outta here fast, people gonna start to come any minute. Listen to me, you're a guest in my house, okay? You do what I say, stay in the closet! Alright, I can do that. - Hey. - Hey. - What're you doing home? - What're you doing home? - Mom needs to get her For Sale signs. - Oh, yeah... - Well, I'm skipping school. - Cool... Isn't there supposed to be a big party today? - Yes there is. - You gonna go? - I'll be there. - Yeah, ***. Where you going? - To get the For Sale signs, from the closet. - They're not there. - Where are they? - This is *** awesome. OK, well, I moved them this morning. Okay, where'd you put them? - Upstairs in the guest room. - You did? - Yes I did? - Why? 'Cause I felt like it. Get out, everyone get out, get out, get out. Give me those signs, alright? Give'm to me. Alright, wait here. Yeah. - *** off! - Dude, Dude... need to smoke. My sister is upstairs right now. Alright, alright, come on. Go! - Adam, there's no signs up here. - Shhh... Ouh, ouh, ouh, ouh, ouh... - Adam! - What? There's an old lady in the guest room. She's my friend. Who's in the closet? What? - Who's in the closet? - No one's in the closet. - There's no one in the closet? - There's no one in the closet. - That's right. - Really? Ahhh... What's going on? I'm kind'a... I'm throwing the Skip Day party at our house. - What? - Look, I know, I know it looks bad... and I know how you and Mom hate Skip Day parties and all that, but... I screwed up, and I didn't have a choice and... I know it's stupid and it's irresponsible and everything... - Shhh... - And your right... Look at me, I am so proud of you. I mean, you're keeping up the family tradition. - I knew you had that *** gene in you. - Really? - Yeah. - Thank you, that's nice of you - ***, I wish I could stay. - Oh... - Better not do anything I wouldn't do. - I won't do anything you wouldn't do. - Maybe you'll get lucky. - Yeah... - Bye, baby. - Bye. Hey... What'd you want? What'd you think I want? Adam, is it weird that... there's a motor home across the street? That's my house, yo. Yeah, he lives there. - Okay. - Congratulations. - What? - You're growing some balls. That's pretty witty of you, you wanna go do the ***? Yes. Party! Can you believe this? There's actually a party in my house, right now. Yeah, but nobody's dancing. Well, it'll take just one person to start it off. Who? Dance party! Yeah. Oh my God. It's a Carla sandwich with a side of Scotty. Scotty. Dog trainer. [sobs] Hey, hey, why the long face? Mr. Dickwalter, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please. Pull yourself together. There may still be a way out of this for you. Hey Ralph, where's the party? Look at me. Do I look like a guy that knows where the party's at? Look at me, Ralph! Do I look like a man who's gonna leave without what he wants? Now, where's the party? There had to be a backup plan. No, the plan was originally to have the party at Carl's house. - Carl Smith? - Yeah... but he's got these relatives, they're scary. Aaaggh. Who's your friend, Ralph? This is my principal, Mr. Dickwalter. Ahhh... Mr. Dickwilder. Walter. - What... Wilder? - Dickwalter. ***-Wilder. Dickwalter! Dickwalter... Dickwalter. Yes, my son Ralph, he studied so very hard to get into Harvard. Can you please find it in your heart to reconsider? Oh, I know how you must feel, I wish I could help you... but he should've thought of the consequences... before he decided to throw a kegger at my house. You can forget about Harvard for him... In fact, maybe he can work with you in the kitchen, or whatever it is you do. I'll be back, one minute. One minute, take two minutes. Your father's not very friendly, Ralph, huh? Wilder. Dickwilder, you son of a ***! What about Harvard? First I find the party, then we'll talk about your future. 'Till then, I wouldn't throw away those classifieds. Huh? Watch out for that one, huh? Dickwilder! [screams] It's only just Harvard... My cleaver! Why're you getting all whiny and ***? Like you're some big *** *** geek gay boy. Oh Carla, I'm so shy around you. If you would only kiss me... my rich and meaningless life would somehow be saved. Please, man. You're Adam Harris. Adam *** Harris! You're the John F. Kennedy Elementary School Spelling Bee Champ. You're the Thomas Edison Memorial Jr. High School Science Fair winner. You won the *** science fair, man. I know, just shut up, you're making me sound like a *** dork. - President of the Debate Club. - Yeah, yeah, just shut up. Vice President of The Late Society. OK. Quiet. People are gonna hear you. The Chess Club. The AV Club. Need I go on? Tate, I am a loser, okay? You are a risk taker, my friend. You are a walking, burning cauldron of intelligence and testosterone... all rolled into one beautiful, swaggering package of unmediated, undoubting love. That's really nice. I'd *** you myself. Seriously, if I was a chick I would *** the *** out of you. - Yeah. - Hell, I'd even let you do me in the ***. Great, if I was a guy, and I am a guy, if I was myself, I would say no to that. [panting] Oh, 70's Bush, 80's Trim, 90's Shaved, oh, Granny Surprise. I just locked myself out. Can I come in for a little while? Yeah, sure. Oh, it's so hot in here. I've got to take my clothes off. Is that all you got? Huh, yes. This is all I have, yeah. Well, do you want, like, a dip to go along with it? These chips are flavored like guacamole, so, no dip needed. Adam, you can put guacamole flavored chips in dip. - It actually tastes a lot better. - You sure? Positive, come on, let's see what you've got. - That is really good. - It's a start. Really, that's absolutely amazing, actually. What else can we make? I've always wanted to throw a crepes party. Crepes they're neat, like a perfect party food. It would be like, a buffet thing... and you'd put what you want inside the crepe. - And they're really *** good. - You know what? - What? - We ought'a make some. - Oh, I don't know. - No, you should. Carla’s not gonna cook for you, you know... just 'cause you didn't buy decent food except these stupid guaca chips. Wow, these suck. Este problemo, hombre? Spanish for Be-atch! Carla, I love you. Come on. Thanks anyways. What do you think? I could step up to the plate, or take it in the ***. Step up to the plate, right? Wait! You in the back! Who said take it in the ***? *** you! Oh... huh, hey! Um... see ya out there. Yeah. - Hey. - Hey, Sweetie. Okay, this is amazing, 'cause you two are models, and like you're so beautiful, and I just have to ask you this. Yeah? Your ***, they're like so big, and perfect... and I just wanna know, did you get them done? And if you did, who did them for you? You don't need a *** job, girl. They're beautiful. [coil] I went to Dr. Murray Scholl Smith. I used to be a O, he made me a double D. - But, there's no incision. - He goes in under the arm. - Not through the ***? - Hell no! So, what's your name anyway? Sicki. Mark Sicki. I know a Sicki. What's going on? Oh, I took a dump. Nice party. Thank you. Maybe the Sicki I know is like a relative of yours. Well, I doubt that, the only other Sicki in my family... is my brother Alex. He's in jail. Bingo! Alex Sicki the tattoo guy. He's in my cell block. Get the *** outta here. Small world. Mm-mm? Scary people huh? They're gonna be scared of me, I'm scary people. Make sure that they ge... Aagh! How'd you sell a purple car with a cleaver in the roof, for God's sake? Who are these bozos? Leo. Get over here. Get over here. What're you, hard of hearing? Huh? I said what took you so long. Come on, brother. Come on. Hey, have something to eat. Yeah, try the sausage. They're the best in the city. He's a little hard of hearing. He says the sausages are good. Do you want a sausage? I'm not hard of hearing, and I don't care how... Jesus! Yeah, that's Philly. He won't be snitching anybody out anymore. You want something to eat? You got a lot of work ahead of ya. You can't dig a hole on an empty stomach. Ohh! I don't think, I... oh, oh... - he's not dead. - He's not? Well, he's now. Hey, good work. - My first time. - Good work. You'd never know it. - Good work. - That's so sweet. Really, great work, great work. Oh golly... What a day this has been. Here's your ounce of coke. We'll give you another ounce when you get back from the desert. Believe me, this is plenty. This is good ***, don't snort it all at once. You want a little food to hit the road with? No, I think this will be okay. Huh! These guys never shoot anyone thin. Oh, come on. That's just great. I bet this never happens to a private school principal. Oh, hey Isha! Hey, what's your deal? I mean, you're *** hot, but you're crazy as ***. Crazy but hot! My bad. Damn right your bad. I like to drink beer, not wear it. I ought'a cut your *** arms off. Yeah, suck my ***, baby. Yeah, suck it. Suck it hard. Oh, that's right, baby I Oh, yeah, oh yeah. ***' eh. Oh my. Suck that ***. Oh, oh. How nice. I have here a poignant artifact of little Jamal's. His cellular phone, that miraculously survived... the impact of the fall. Now, if only Jamal's fragile, cancer-ridden young body... had been as durable. (cell phone rings) Hello? (male voice) Is Jamal there? - No, Jamal has passed on. Oh man. That's *** up Thank you very much for those kind words. - Is he Dead? - Yeah. - ***. - Goodbye. And then they shot the guy. They had guns, Minn! Who did? - The mafia, aren't you even listening? - Not really. You know something? This is terrific. The one person supposed to be trustworthy... hold on a second... Let me finish with her before I deal with you. Hey, I'm sorry. Turns out the dead guy's not d... Ahhhh! - Holy ***! - Oh ***. Uh... these things smell. - Oh my God, sir, are you okay? - I think so, yeah. - Mr. Dickwalter? - Who wants to know? Ellen Harris, class of '96. You busted my Skip Day party. Oh yeah, yeah, you look good, what have you been up to? This isn't my regular car. I just use this for school stuff. Oh, you gotta be *** kidding me. Oh yeah? You know what Dickwalter means in German? Scumbag! No. Not scumbag. But you're close. Dude. [scream] I'd like to make amends for my behavior earlier. You see, I have anger issues. Uh-huh. And I'm now gonna make you an offering. Drink. Go ahead, it'll make me feel better. I don't, I don't want to. Drink up. Drink! Good. Now I feel better. Have a nice party. Oh, yes Yes, oh I She's very pretty. Not him, but her. [click] Oh... oh, Jesus. Sorry. So, Tate. How did you meet Adam? We met at a Star Trek convention. Although he'd probably punch me in the eye for saying that. So, for the record, I met him at the gym. I was spotting him. He must have been benching 4... 500,000 pounds. - Yeah, right. - He's stronger than he looks. What do you think? I... I think, that was weak. Whoa. Huh, excuse me. Everybody, can I... I just get your attention for one quick sec? Is everybody having a good time? - Yeah... - You suck. Okay. Um, I have an announcement to make. Somebody in our class is a master chef... and that somebody is gonna cook you all... the greatest meal known to man and... And to woman as well. And that somebody... is none other than Whippany Park's own Carla Maxwell. Give her a hand, Carla [cheers] Wait, Carla, wait wait. I can't believe you put me on the spot like that. Can I just tell you something quickly? I see you, and you clearly love cooking, okay? But you have this weird thing where you don't want to do it. Or you think you're not good, I, I don't get it. But I can tell you really do want to do this. So, let's make some crepes. This is gonna be our chopping station over here. I'm gonna need a big, um, mixing bowl. And a wooden spoon. Wooden spoon, right? I have two, as a matter of fact. Yeah, both, that's good. A whisker? Whisk. Yeah, it's a whisk. Oh my God, this is gonna be so awesome. I think Carla’s talking to that Harris guy or something. Oh, hey. Up, up, up, up. Oh, ***. Okay, you're gonna catch this one. Aagh I Oh, ***. Do you want this? Okay. Yeah, no, no problem. Um, Carla, when do the cooks get to eat? This one's for you. What's this? Holy ***. Hey, Harry, come check this out, dog. Man, I cannot believe what a diversified portfolio this is, man. Is that the flagship episode of Dirty Debutantes? Yes, it is my brother. Yes it is. I'm speechless, man. That one such landmark film was Romancing the Bone. There's a scene with Steve Drink and steamy Tory Whales it's just one of the highlights. Are you referring to where he got her bent over the sink and smacked her on the *** with a Brillo pad? Yes, perfection. I love it. I respectfully disagree. I mean, this much louder scene never done it for me, like, uh, Sexy Sorority Kittens I... I. Where 50 women go down on them boys? Dude, I can't believe that you put that confusing mangle of pulsating flesh on the same level as a hot and intimate moment over a toilet. You know how freaky your girl gotta be to let you hit her over the toilet? Yeah, but that *** gave me cream dreams. You're tripping. There chicken in that crepe? Isha, it's not that big of a deal. Oh, it is a big deal. The genocide of poultry. Bovine mutilation. The fornification of pork. What the ***? Have you ever nestled your cheek into a chicken's soft feathers? They're glorious creatures. Tell me something. Did a chicken ever find a cure to polio? Has a chicken ever represented you in court? Pro bono? When's the last time a chicken sang a song so sweet it made you cry? Tell me. Name one. No? That's 'cause they're *** chickens. You know what I think your problem is? You're secretly craving it. You're despicable. H mph! M mm. Dude, we're running low on ***. What about that liquor cabinet your parents have? I do not want to deal with Sonja right now. Who? I don't even want to get into it, to be honest right now. What the hell's the mafia doing in Southern California anyway? May I help you? Scott Taylor here? Who are you? Frank Dickwalter. Whippany Park H high principal. Now, is Scott Taylor here? Huh, no, he's in school. Um, no, he's not, 'cause, like, I'm here! Now look, I don't want to interrupt you, whatever it is you're doing. I'm stretching. I'm a dancer. Course you are. Um, do I detect a hint of sarcasm? No. Sarcasm would be if you said you were a dancer and I said "Gee, you don't look it!" Ooh. Alright, forget I said that. I didn't intend to get angry, because I know you people are sensitive. Wait, wait, wait. What people? What people? You! Christ, look at you! You better get off my porch before I'm unable to control myself. Buddy, you're already unable to control yourself. Oh, it's show time! Best Skip Day ever. You know, you totally ruined Skip Day. I know. I did. I can't believe you told Dickwalter about the party. Yeah, I know. I should not have done that. But then you saved it. And you made it even better. Hey. Hi. So, it's getting right around cleanup time, I'd say. So Carla, you know, Harris and I, we'll take it from here, because as you know, the chef doesn't clean up after her masterpiece. Thanks Scott. I think we got it. He's right. You should just hang out, have fun. We'll take care of it. Really? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Okay. Thanks. Look at the legs on that, huh? Listen, I was talking about the wine. You know Harris, you are one sick ***, you know that? But I like you. So, uh, yeah. Did you have fun today? You know. Yeah, I did. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah? You know, uh, my name's Adam Harris and I graduated in the top of my class. Hey, Carla, how 'bout we make some crepes, how does that sound? Yeah! Yeah, sounds great! Maybe I can get in your ***. No. Wrong. X. Don't even think about it. Forget about it, as they say in Italian. At the end of the day, she's my girl, don't forget about that. I haven't. That skirt, right there. Yeah, there is a nice supple peach under that ***. *** me. F.Y.I. she swallows. Hey Denise. Look at her, that's what I want to do. What, give a lap dance to some drooling idiot? Yeah. Way to let 'em drop, that's what I'm talking about. That *** is called game, homie! Did you know that hemp can be made into bags and clothes? Even shoes. Why would I wanna smoke my shoes, when I can just take my stash and smoke with my lady friends? Hemp is an alternative to animals. Yeah. So, don't wear animals. But, uh, cotton is of the plant kingdom. The Spinster is safe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where are we? Hey. Hi! You developed a bit of a taste for nerd today. He's a good guy. But I'm a good guy. Are you? Really? Yeah. Let me show you. Oh my God, is that all you ever think about? Sweetheart, it's my favorite thing to think about. You are hopeless. Hopelessly in love. With you, no? No. Oh, look, sweetheart. I know you're nervous. Yeah, I am nervous. Me too. It's okay. You know, but, I love you. And, just, you know, I want it to be special for the both of us. I love you. Just you and me, nice and slow. Just scented candles, it's gonna be awesome. Hey. Hey. Did anyone ever tell you that you're beautiful? Your passion is very attractive. Oh my God. I'm so *** hungry. Oooh. Oh, I think you're ready to be bad. M mm. Oh my God. Oh my God. That is so good. Give me another bite. Please. See, the thing is guys, I've got a secret. What? The alphabet. The alphabet? You know, the alphabet. A, B, you do it right, chicks love the B. Carl, check this out I'm talking about tongue-*** *** Dude, that's the oldest trick in the book, man. I was getting my girl to climax by O. Well, uh, I get Carla by the I. - I? - Yeah. Never done that before. 'Cause you're not dotting it. Did you invite Ralph? Yeah, I think I invited everybody. That's good. Can you text him again? Cause I'm kind'a feeling like he needs to come to this party more than anyone. That's a good call. Yeah, I mean, I'm playing. But I'm not. Okay. Let's do that. Kleenex in the bathroom. What? Frank, are you okay? Never better, Minn. Top of the world. Well, perk up Sunshine. I know who's behind the Skip Day party. [screeching tires] Hold on. What? Who? Who's behind it? Adam Harris. Adam Harris? You ***, Minn. It can't be Adam Harris, he's the only decent one in the whole bunch. Give me another name. What the hell is you talking about? Adam just sent a text message over to Ralph's phone inviting him to the Skip Day party. It can't be him, it's a forgery! Frank, Adam sent a picture of himself grinding with a bunch of skinny ***’s! Adam? Frank? Frank, are you there? Frank? Frank are you there? [disco music] Hello, old friend. What the hell? What's the big deal about having sex with Carla anyway? You're about to go to U.C.L.A. on a football scholarship, man! You're gonna be knee deep in ***. But, I put three good *** years into this relationship, boys. I deserve to get laid at least once. Dude, you get laid all the time. Everyone knows you're having *** relations with the prom queen. Dude, shut up! Besides, I got a secret that always works. Tell her you're a ***, man. Oh, she'll never believe that. Yes, she will, tell her you're a ***. She'll believe it 'cause she wants to, 'cause she loves you, man. - A ***. - She loves you! You're so right. I know. You're like a prophet, man. I watch a lot of videos. Hey. Hey. You were really cute when you were little. Ah, thank you. Sorry. You don't want people in here, do you? No, no, no. It's no big deal. That one my dad took, actually. Where is he? I have no idea where my dad is. Huh, the North Pole I guess. I don't know. So, he skipped. Yes. He did. He left his 7 year old daughter with my mom, and he sort of headed out of town. Sometimes I wish my family would skip. They just don't really get me. Well, I get you. Oh ***. I really like him. That sounded so gay. I think I can trust him. Adam? Um, are you, are you a ***? What? No. No, what? ***. Why would you think that? Oh my God. She is onto me. I can't believe I just said that. You know, 'cause it's okay if you are. Right, well, yeah. No, it would be okay if I was. But, I'm not. That's not how things are. I have not been a *** for years. Decades. I lost my virginity so long ago. What happened, I was in Eastern Europe with my family. I was at a hotel. Um, I had nothing to do that night. And I went out, and thought, why don't I try and lose my virginity, you know, let's go for it. So, went out to this *** district, you know, just 'cause I figured easier, right? So, I go there, and I meet this girl, Gretchen, she had one leg. And, and I, you know, talked to her and I was, like, hey, you know, let's do it. So she's, like, alright, well, sure, why not, you know. And so we did, and it was good. And it was fun and all that. You know, I was nervous, I was really nervous. Yeah. Never done that before, you know, but then I figured, she's, you know, amputee, ***, right? Whole thing kind of evened out. What the *** am I talking about? Who is this guy? Come downstairs. You're not gonna believe this. Oh my god, No, no, no, no, no. That's my mom's table. That table's very expensive. No! Oh God. Go Denise. Go Denise. Go Denise. Go Denise. I need a dollar bill. I need a dollar bill. Who's got a dollar? Does anybody have dollar? Okay, okay. Does anybody have a dollar? I do not have a dollar. Can anybody bust up a ten? Can anybody bust up a ten? Hey, uh, you know, I have something I need to tell you. But I've been hiding it from you, because I'm really embarrassed about it. What? The truth is, I'm I'm a ***, Carla. Really? Yeah. Oh, let's go to the bedroom. Oh my god. I really did blow it. Hey man, this isn't over. Yes it is. It's too late, I blew it. Are you nervous? Yeah. Me too. Happy, but nervous at the same time. I can't believe you're letting this happen. Tate, I *** up, and it's done, it's over. Stop them, stake your claim. Plant your flag. Okay, plant your flag. What does that even mean? That doesn't mean anything. I don't know what it means. But it sounds good. It does sound good. Damn right it sounds good. That sounds really good. Damn right it sounds really good. I gotta plant my flag. You plant that flag! I gotta plant my flag. Go! Go! I'm glad it's the first time for both of us. I know. I know. Alright, I know. I should just, I gotta, but no, can you really expect me to just... Okay, look, no. This is the moment of truth. I gotta seize the day. Okay. I think I'm ready. Me too. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this. Ready? Yeah. I can't believe it. It's too late. I'm too late. Oh yeah. Oh, this is gonna be *** awesome. Here we go, Laura, I just gotta get it... What? Wait. Carla. Carla. No, what did you just say? That is so messed up. She's definitely *** him. You just called me Laura! No! I'm not making this *** up. She was *** him. Have you been *** Laura? She was *** his brains out! You ***! Oh. Hey! You're hot. I can't believe how stupid I was. Oh, ***, man. Carla! *** off! Jesus. You wanna make out? Okay. Oh, I can't *** believe this. Hey! Um, this is weird. Get it dude. Oh my God. Oh my God! Carla, is everything... Get the hell away from me! I don't wanna talk to you! He's all yours, honey. This is your own fault, you *** tease. Hey, you know what, you can't talk to her like that. Oh yeah, the *** is all yours, what're you gonna do about it? What? I'm sorry bro. But, ***. I've been wanting to do that all day, man. Oh my god. Mom. Oh, ***. Mom, uh, I seized the day, you remember? You said, seize the day this morning? You've destroyed the house, you... Not again. What have you done? Mom, I threw a party. I threw a party, and it was awesome. - Yeah... - Wasn't it? It was... - You rule... - Thank you... Thank you. Whoever said that. That's a long time coming. Tate, he played all of this music, and it was amazing, and... and this old guy, he bought us liquor and I... I built a... I built a *** in our garage. - Oh great. - And... and... then we called up these models and these models came over... and we took pictures of them in their underwear. And then everybody came over and we just partied. And, you stuck your finger in the dog's ***. Yeah... Yes, that, I... I did do that. That was an accident. And then there's Carla. She made these... these crepes, they're just, they were amazing. And she's amazing, and I got a chance to talk to her and lied... and I lied, and I said... I said some stupid things and... I'm sorry. Oh ***... it's Dickwalter. Mom! You cannot open that door. If you do, none of us are going to college. He's insane. Everybody hide! Everybody... Hi, Mrs. Harris. Is the entire senior class home? Mr. Dickwalter. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? I'm working my way through college, what'd you think... I'm doing here? I'm here to bust the Senior Skip Day party. Well, good luck with that, sir. You trying to tell me there's not a 100 kids on the other side of that door? I think I would know, if there were a 100 kids standing behind me, alright? How 'bout Ellen, is she home? Say I asked, okay? I've got it. They're at the Washington funeral. They're at the Washington funeral, sir. There is no funeral. Your son made fools out of all of us. He's been there all day, with the entire senior class. He's been there all day with the entire senior class. There's no funeral! They're at a party! Why won't any one listen to me? - I dropped him off myself. - I dropped him off myself. They're at, huh... 1762 One Eden Lane. 1762 One Eden Lane. Gotta go. Bye. Dickwalter, you remember me? People like you don't remember people like me. You just prance away through other people's lives, spewing your *** about taking the moral high road. Wait a minute. Huffier? Your old classmate. You do remember. - You 'member anything else about me? - No. Like how you ratted out my Skip Day party to the principal? Oh, yeah, that's right. Good times, well, see ya. You ruined any chance I had of going to technical college! You see, I had a dream. Oh God! I had a dream of being an air conditioning repairman, and you *** that dream up. - And then they locked me up. - Why? And the long, lonely nights began. Aagh. That's when I got a new dream. - Alright, let's hear it. - Yeah... I'm dreaming of opening a barbecue shack, Lionel's Barbecue Palace. I came back for you, Dickwalter, 'cause you're gonna help me make my new dream come true. See, I'm gonna cut your *** head off and put it on the menu. You think too small. Ever been to Burma? They chase their whiskey with snake venom and the women all do that basket trick. Now, excuse me! But I've got a phony funeral to attend. Boy. That guy's really changed. What the hell have you done, Adam? He's gonna show up at the funeral.. none of us will be there and we all be ***. Shut up, Tate! Ellen, you're and mom are the only sober persons here. - Can you do me a favor? - What's that! Do you know how to drive a house? Beat the *** Whoa. Beat the ***! Beat the ***! Here you go, Philly. She's all yours. Use it in good health. Ease! Well, well, well, looks like Mr. Dickwalter wins again. Got the entire senior class, might as well have graduation here, except none of you are gonna graduate now! Drinks, food, everything I'd want if I lost a son. I have lost a son. Mr. Dickwalter, sir. I think you've got the wrong idea here. You broke my heart, kid! I'll call it even if you put in a good word with your sister. Come on. Hot. Who is this ***? That's my principal, pop. Mr. Dickwalter. ***. You got a cast of extras too? The rest of you disgust me as well 'cause you covered up for them. You like to party, you wanna have a party? I like to have a party! I know how to party, you wanna have a party? Here... Huh... huh? No? Suit yourself, more for me. ***. Not my style. I like a cold beer, and I bet I know just where it is. That's a dead kid. ***. Phew. Hey, Dickwalter! Tell me more about Burma. Fantastic. Does anybody else find it ironic that this *** goes through hell... trying to punish us for skipping school, and yet he himself ends up skipping off to Burma with an escaped convict? You know what though? I'm... I'm actually kind'a proud of him, I really am. Sick *** that he is. Aren't you sick of listening to him already? What's your problem, you're still mad at me? I don't know. Are you still full of ***? I'm always full of ***. Now, just one more thing. Really quickly. True love. It is a rare, rare thing. And when you find it, you need to grab the bull by its horns. And you need to wrestle it to the ground. And then you need to take... Shut up and kiss me. Okay. That was really good. - Was it? - See, you got it all over your mouth. You know how long I've been waiting to do that? 3 weeks, that's how long... - 3 weeks, 4 if you count rehearsals. - We kissed in rehearsal. - No we didn't. - Yeah we did. You have a completly warped imagination. - You kissed Alan in rehearsals. - You just don't remember it, that sucks. - I never kissed you in rehearsals. - You don't remember, but you did. - We never did... - Oh my god, that's really sad. - This was our first kiss. - No, it wasn't, that's really sad. The first one didn't make much of an impression, obviously. Obviously, that's sad. Uhmm, are you upset that we're done with the movie? - Yes. - Yeah? - What're we gonna do? - Now? - Yeah. - I don't know. Can I finish up what I was gonna say before you interrupted me... - No, you're annoying... - and made me kiss you? I was gonna say, that... - true love is a rare thing... - God... - when you find it you need to... - Just shut up and kiss me. grab it by it's horns, you need to wrestle it to the ground... and then you need to take your matador saber and you need to plunge it... into the cavity of its chest, and then you need... What? Where're you plunging it into? You take your matador saber. Matador is the guy that fights bulls in Spain. Or in really strange areas of the U S, I suppose. And he kills the bull with his matador saber. Plunges it into the feathering cavity of his chest, and then he kicks it while it's on the ground. Then later on he barbecues it. Wanna do the head butt? Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. This is our version. Yeah. So, okay. True love is a rare thing. When you find it you need to grab the bull by the horns... and you need to wrestle it to the ground, and then... Just shut up and kiss me. Okay. Boom. Then she falls to the ground, and then I kick her. And I kick her. And I say, "That's for six years... junior high and high school, of torture". Huh, your frappuccino's here, Mr. Lundy. Harris, that's my girl. Give me a kiss. During sexually intimate moments, do you ever feel like your woman's distracted? There's a party at Mr. Dickwalter's? ***. One more time. ***. One more time. Who is that ***? That's my principal, Pop. Mr. Dickwalter. ***. Marker. Set I And action! What do you know about this Washington kid's funeral? So, what you trying to say? That because I'm black, I gotta know where every other black person's funeral is at? Oh, Jesus. That we all know each other? Here we go. That every black person is a *** cousin? Frankly, yes. Well, I'll have you know... that I have three cousins... Shaniqua, Santander, and Quanta, and they all white. Marker. You broke my heart, kid. I'll call it even if you put in a good word with your sister. 'Cause she's like, phew, I mean, know what I mean? Oh my God. Cut! I'm so *** up. - Cut! - ***.