Blast From The Past - English Transcript

Just remember don't mention the communists. Calvin's a great guy, but he's a little--you know. -Nutty. -What's his wife like? You know...housewife. Likes to cook, pregnant. Normal, then. I wouldn't go that far. -Helen! -Oh, hi, Betty. Hi, Dave. Just look at you. Any day now. Say hi to my sister Ruth and her husband. Tell me if you've heard this one. A duck walks into a drugstore. He says, "I'd like some lip gloss." The clerk says, "Certainly, sir. Will this be cash or check?" The duck says, "Put it on my bill." Oh, brother. He was the golden boy professor at Cal Tech... but then he started inventing things. He suddenly became very rich. And that was it. He quit teaching. -How's that? -Just what the doctor ordered. Calvin spends all of his time out there... tinkering around in the workshop. If you ask me, it's all very strange. Same is true of batteries. I could take a simple yacht battery... and rig it to last a decade, easily. Say, Helen, what does Calvin think... about this trouble down in Cuba? Oh, for heaven's sakes, please don't bring that up. I'd say my baseball card collection is as complete... as any one I've ever seen. Calvin! Kennedy is going toe-to-toe with Khruschev... on television right now. Ooh, boy. On the island of Cuba. Unmistakable evidence has established the fact... that a series of offensive missile sites... is now in preparation on that imprisoned island. Tower, this is Wolf One. I got five miles to the overhead. Wolf One, Tower. Report the numbers. You're number one for the overhead. Tower, this is Wolf One. I got a problem here. State your problem, Wolf One. Are you declaring an emergency? Stand by, One. Additional sites appear to be designed... for intermediate-range ballistic missiles... and thus capable of striking most of the major cities... in the western hemisphere. Folks. Given this extraordinary turn of events... I think it's prudent we cut this evening short. I'm sure this Cuban thing will resolve itself... but in the meantime, I suggest we take... a prayerful watch and wait stance. OK, folks, let's go. -My coat. -Oh, here you go. What did I tell you? Well, I'm certainly not gonna let this pot roast go to waste. Oh, Calvin, would you put that seat cushion... back on the lawn chair, honey? Shouldn't we at least turn off the phonograph? It shuts off automatically. Oh. Did you make it to do that? They all do. I never know anymore. I bet that's a fighter jet on its way to Key West. Good luck, amigo. An emergency has been declared. I repeat, an emergency has been declared. You hear that? I'll come back for the radio. I wish you would have at least let me do the dishes. It's not gonna be that easy... to get all that dried-on food off my nice plates. I just hope those plates are not radioactive by tomorrow. Cheese is particularly troublesome. I've got secondaries of an engine fire. I'm gonna need to find a clear area to eject. Roger, Wolf One. Can you make it to the ocean? Roger that, Tower. I'm marking the one-eight-zero radio for five... and ejecting, Tower. Roger, Wolf One. How long will we have to stay down here? For this thing to blow over could take days. Days? What if I go into labor? That could happen any time now. I've read up on it. If I have to, I'll deliver the baby myself. Home, sweet home. To you, maybe. Are you all right? I think so. It's happened! Look at that heat! All my surface indicators... knocked out! Oh, Lord! It's happened! What was that noise? - The locks. - The locks? To keep us from trying to leave. There's a radiation half-life after an atomic blast. -It lasts thirty-five years. - Thirty-five years? Then after that, it's safe to go up. According to Cal Tech... this Webber guy was a bona fide genius... but a borderline nut case. He and Mrs. Nut Case... must have been out here when the plane hit. Unless we get a postcard or something, that'd be my guess. What about relatives? They're all back east. Neighbors said the guy spent day and night out here. She'd bring him sandwiches and hot Dr. Pepper. He drank it hot? Good God. Chilly? You shouldn't be. Temperature's a nice seventy-three degrees. Maybe I've just got the creeps. How could you? This is just like home. No, Calvin! This is different. Believe me. Would you like a tranquilizer? You've got tranquilizers? I told you I have everything. What? Oh, hon. Just breathe. I'll get my stuff. Is there a problem? No, Calvin. Babies cry. I've noticed. What shall we call him? I don't know. Well, I was thinking in the light of situation... we should call him Adam. That's not sacrilegious, is it? No. I think it's just right. See, I flick this switch... and the image is projected onto a mirror... and the picture comes out here... and it's perfect. Well, almost perfect. Lord, bless this food... this family... and make us ever mindful... of the needs of others. Amen. Let's eat. Out here, hon. Oh, there you are. Looked all over for you. You wanted to see me? Yes. You ready, Adam? Watch this. He can stand up all by himself. Show Daddy. All by himself. That's my guy. Stand up. My son. Up, Adam... to the moon. I never seen a septic tank that looked like that. Well, don't fool with it. If it is a septic tank, I sure as hell don't want to open it. We'll just lay the foundation over it. I'm gonna need two more banana splits and a Cherry Coke. You bet, Mom. Comin' up. Oh, by the way, Mom, thanks for the job. Buck fifteen an hour. Your husband is crazy. Hook off the jab. That's right. Four, five. Five, six. And six, spin. May I cut in? You certainly may. Thank you, son. What the hell kind of music is that? Oh, man. I'm not sure I like that. These are stock certificates. Your Mom and I bought them, for you. Of course, they're worthless now... but at one time they were quite valuable. They're pretty. Could I have them? Sure. Now let's move on to our French exam. Latin exam, Dad. It's Tuesday. Gosh, it is Tuesday. Time flies, doesn't it? Tempus fugit. You have a wonderful sense of humor, son, I must say. The acorn does not fall very far from the tree. This is wonderful. That's my baseball card collection. It's yours now. What's baseball? It's a game, son. I can explain it pretty easily. You see, there's a pitcher. Oh, like a painting? No. A pit-cher. Like one of Mom's? No. There's a man who throws the ball... to a man who has a bat. Oh, the nocturnal flying mammal. I'm sellin' this place. I want out of this hellhole. Could I, uh... Buy it from me? Yeah! Yeah, that's it! I'll give it to you. No money down. Cool! I'm only gonna explain this one more time. The runner on second goes to third. It's--He's out there.