It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World - English Transcript

When I get my hands on you, Russell, I will kill you! Aaarghh! Aaarghhh! I've never seen anything like this bunch. He ran right into 'em. He ran 'em right off the road! - You guys come outta there! - (Algernon) The fellow's beside himself! Sylvester, what are you trying to do? Let's go. - What did you do to my mother?! - We wouldn't harm your sweet mother. - Move! - What did you do to my mother?! I didn't do anything! Let me explain! Now look here! She phoned me. What she told me was so horrible, I thought she'd gone nuts! - But it was true, wasn't it? - No. Whoever said that, she was a liar. - It's not true! - It is! Now look here! - Are you English? Just answer me! - Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. - Why? Don't you like the English? - (roars) She said that you and an Englishman... I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya! - Sylvester, don't choke me! - What did you do to my mama! Emmeline! - Sylvester! - Mama! Why couldn't you listen? Why couldn't you shut up? I was tryin' to tell you to listen! Have a care! That chap's run absolutely amuck! Very soon we'll have them in position. Very soon, men, we'll have you in position. - You're doin' a great job, Colonel. - Thank you. Why don't we just shoot 'em down? None of these people must suspect... ...that they have ever been under observation. Now, none of them have ever seen me. None of them know me. So I'll be moving in alone. The minute I move in, I'll give you the word. And when you pass the word... ...I don't want to have another policeman within miles of me. - Right? - Right. I, uh... I won't like it... ...if I see another policeman. And I give you my word, I wanted to stop for ya, my wife wanted to, he wanted to. But my mother-in-law made us drive by you. Anything you'd have to say about her... ...you don't have to explain to me. You know what I mean? It's like if she were a star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it. (car horn) Yeah! That's him, that's him! Wait till I get my hands on you! When I catch ya, I'll kill ya, ya dirty robber! Someone you know? - I'll drive. All set? - All set, Chief. - Culpeper. All set? - Yes, sir. Airport says they're starting a landing approach now. Right. What's the matter, Chief? You forgotten somethin'? No. I don't think I've forgotten a thing. Now... Now, men. About the brakes. You've got to know about the brakes. I'll tell you in just a minute. Just hold it a minute. Just be patient. What the hell's with this wire here?! Just hold it a second, will you? What was that? Men? Now look. Be calm. This is it. Just one minute more and it'll be all over - I mean, it'll all be over. I mean, courage, men. We're all with you down here, every second of the way. We're all pulling for you just as hard as we can. So now just hold on to your nerves, men. Don't get excited or do anything foolish. But just keep calm. That's all we've gotta do, men. Keep calm. Calm, men! - (plane dives) - Not that calm, you idiot! (both) Aaarghhh! Pull up! Pull up! Now don't worry. Just keep calm. - (whistles) - What's this? - What's this comin'? - That's good. Cement. - What?! - It's smooth. - Wait a minute! Hold it! - Whoa. What are you doin', Benjy? Wait! Wait! - Hey! Were you tryin' to scare me?! - No! - Well, you did! - Whoa! Just a couple of sticks of dynamite, that's all. How much noise could it make? Boom - and it's all over. Get it over right! Get it over... Left rudder! Too low! Up, up! No! Left rudder! No! No, no, no! Help! Aaargh! Help! I'm the Colonel, you know! Help! Help! We're not gonna land, and we'll never make it! What do you mean, we'll never make it? Don't freeze! Benjy! Benjy, don't freeze! This one's gonna work. - Damn it! Come to! - You hit me! Listen! We've got... Hey! Wait a minute! We're down! - We're on the ground! - Hurray! It's just a noise, that's all. It's way over there. - Put on the brakes! - OK. Where are they? - Benjy! Here comes a restaurant! - Aaargh! (screaming) We've landed! Come on! Come on. Hurry. Hurry up. - Come on. - Hey! What about him? Never mind him. There must be an ambulance around. Let's go. (siren) Hey! Hey, cab! Cab! We're in a hurry. Do you know where State Park is? - Sure! What happened? - We had an emergency landing. Come on, hurry! Quick! Let's go! Come on, get in, Benjy! (arguing in Chinese) Aaargh! Oh. Excuse me. Excuse us. Here's your bag. You see, the lock didn't work. Let's go. The owners will pay for everything. Next door - he'll pay for everything. Hey! You people! Come back here! Come back! You... you vandals! The cops in this town are morons. Retarded! I'm dealing with moronic people. Cos he's in a bad humour, that fat nazi! What I gotta suffer because of him? - Get away! What's the matter? - Are you free? Can't you see I'm talkin' on the phone?! Huh? Gimme two minutes! Now listen to me, sir. I... Will you take us to Santa Rosita State Park? What happened to you two? Some kinda initiation? We had an accident. Hurry up! Benjamin and Bell stopped at a gardener supplier's and bought picks and shovels. Oh, hold it, Chief. Here's a report on the Crumps. Their cab has turned onto 101, moving south towards your present position. Wait a minute. The other taxi's also... They're on 101 and are moving north. - They're both moving in your position. - Understood. Stand by. - They oughta be here any minute, Chief. - Uh-huh. Look. It's those two idiots. The little one, and the one with marbles in his mouth. - Hey! It's that hokey dentist! - Yeah. - Pass that cab. - What's the rush? - What do you mean, rush? - No rush. We wanna get there in a hurry! Culpeper. Now. Give the order to pull away. Hurry, Melville. - You don't want me to wait? - No. Here's $5. - What's with the pick and shovel? - Mind your own business! Come on! Hey! Hey! - Think anybody else is here? - I didn't see any cars. Hey, wait a minute! - Let's talk this over. - I got nothin' to say. Wait a minute! Do you think anybody else has been here? - How should I know? Come on. - Wait a minute! If we're the first ones here, let's make a deal, the four of us. None of us knows where to look, so we'll look together. We'll find it before the others. Incidentally, where are all the others? How come you two just got here? You had the plane. Yeuch! What happened to you? They're up to somethin' funny, I'm tellin' you. Now, did you see the blonde I brought? Full of paint with her dress ripped. What's that all about? Yeah! And what about the picks and shovels? Now run on back to headquarters. Wait to hear from me. - Let me go with you, Chief. - No. It might snarl things up a little. Thanks for everything. Lots of luck, Chief. Hey, Benjy! Did you see anything, pal? No, but there must be somethin' somewhere. Hey, hey. Hey! - Did you see anything? - Nothing. Are you sure he didn't say something else and you've forgotten? Look, he said it would be buried under a big W and that we'd see it. - It's gotta be here. - I'll tell you what. You go the way we came, and we'll go the way you came, in case we missed it. Hold it. You go the way we came, and we'll go... That's right. OK, let's go. They're lookin' for somethin' buried under "a big W". I heard one of 'em say it. Yeah, I heard. But what? - Hey! - (Ding) Did you see anything yet? - No. Did you? - Nothing. That guy hid it so good, I bet he couldn't even find it himself. - Who's he? - I don't know. - Well, he had a shovel. - Maybe he was a prospector. - What do you mean? - We're wasting time. - Harder! We gotta look harder! - Let's look harder. Come on, let's go! - Who's he? - I don't know, but he hasn't got a shovel. He's here! That's his car! Wait till I get my hands on that phony. Somebody came in those cabs! Let's get movin', man! - Let's get movin'. - They must still be here. They'd better be! Come on, Emmeline. You're not just gonna sit there? - You're not just gonna sit there? - Yes, I am. Then sit, Emmeline! Mrs Finch, aren't you the teeniest bit curious? No, I am not even curious, Mr Hawthorne. Just disgusted. Oh, I say, that really is a pity. You'll forgive me, I must go. (whispering) Hey! (Mrs Marcus) You wouldn't know a big W if you saw one! I don't think they've gotten here yet. They're here somewhere, so they haven't found it. You sure that guy just said buried under a big W? - Actually, I joined the party after that. - Yes, that's what he said. Under a big W. - (Finch) Let's look over there. - (Mrs Marcus) Shut up and follow me. (bickering continues) (still bickering) - Who are they? From this morning? - Yeah. - Who's he? - I don't know. - Who's he? - I don't know! Mama, how many people are mixed up in this thing? Mama, who are they? Cabbies? Mama, this thing's like a convention! Is anything wrong, ma'am? I didn't mean to startle you. Who are you? Are you with the others? The ones that are looking? - Well, I am, in a way. Aren't you? - No! I didn't want to have anything to do with it right from the start. And you know what? I know where it is. I'm the only one that knows, and I wasn't even looking! - You know where it is? - Yes. I don't know what I should do. Agh! - Come out, all of you! This is ridiculous! - I absolutely agree, Mrs Marcus. We all know we're all here, and nobody's fooling anybody. - So we all know! So what? - Don't talk to my mama that way! - You hear? - You hear? - (Mrs Marcus) Shut up! - We ain't the only ones here. - I seen four or five other guys. - Yeah. Those two cab drivers. - They came with us, and that dentist. - You wanna start? - Yes, I wanna start! - Why are we wasting so much time? We all know that we're all here, and even if somebody finds the money... ...nobody's gonna get away with it unless everybody gets a share. So let's get sensible and get this thing organised! - Did you all hear what Mama said? - Yeah. Come on, Mama. Now wait a minute. Did any of you... anybody see a guy with glasses... ...with a real sneery expression on his face? I mean, this guy was ugly. I mean, like, real ugly. And if you help me dig it up, you can have half and I'll have half. Is that OK? I mean, is that fair? Because if I have half of the money... ...I can go away somewhere where nobody can find me. Not Russell, or my mother, or Sylvester - anybody. You don't know what that'd mean. Why, if I had enough money, I might even be able to live in a convent or something. - In a convent? - Uh-huh. Now, we all know that we're all here. Right? It seems intelligent to me that we should all share in one equal share apiece. - Is that right? - He's right. - So we all know that! Look... - (clunk) - Oh, no. - Oh, yeah! It's him, all right. Yeah! You got this wrong! I came to apologise! Forgive and forget! I'm your friend! Oh, no, you got me... Oh, he's so neurotic! - Can't you do something? - I'll get ya! - He's very neurotic. I'm your friend! - If I get my hands on you, I'II... Why, that's it! Sure! Look! It's the big W, I tell ya! It's the big W! Look at this! Look at it! (all talk excitedly) I'm sorry, Mrs Finch. I'm afraid it's too late. I think they've found it. Folks, isn't this great?! Congratulations. Well done! Listen. I think the big boy here should get an extra share from all of us. After all, it was he who found it. Yes, I insist. He gets an extra share. - (Finch) Yes. He deserves an extra share. - Well, I... - Let's start diggin'. - If somebody comes, what'll we tell 'em? We could say we're here with an anthropological expedition. We tell 'em to hit the road or we'll beat their brains in! Well, it was a nice dream. It lasted almost five minutes. - Don't bug me, I said! - Tell him to dig! (whispering) Faster. Come on, Sylvester. Dig, dig. Faster. Faster. Faster. Dig. That's it. Dig. Faster. Hey, come on. There's not enough room! There's not enough room! You two, out. Wait a minute! There's not enough room! - And you're buggin' me! - What do you mean, buggin'? - Cut out. - What is this "cut out"? - Out, baby. Out, baby, out! - Don't call me "baby". - Quit arguing! - (all argue) (digging continues) - (clunk) - What's that? What was that? It sounded like it hit a chest. (all talk at once) Scrape the dirt away. Get the dirt out of it. Use your hands. It's a satchel! - I got it. I got it. - Open it. Open it up. Quick! Come on! - (Benjy) Bingo! - That's it! I say, chaps, shouldn't we find a spot of cover? - No! There's nobody around. - Come on. Count it out. - What are we waiting for? - Wait a second! Everybody's gonna get somethin', so no arguments, cos we'll get an equal share! He's right. That's the only way to do it. Shares for everybody! Now, how many are we? One, two, three, four, five... ...six, seven, eight... ...nine, ten, eleven, twelve... ...thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. - Fifteen of us. That's fifteen equal shares. - Why, you dirty double-crosser! - You cut yourself in twice! - You can't get away with that! Grab him! Grab him! Get him! You didn't cheat anybody but yourself because now you're out! Listen. Listen! You can't cut me out now! Not after what I've been through! All right. OK. I'm warnin' ya, if I don't get a share, I'm gonna go straight to the police! - The police? - Look here, you rotter... Yap yap yap yap! That money had to come from somewhere! It come from that poor old man who died up on the mountain this morning. - You wasn't even there, so shut up! - All right. OK. You asked for it. I'm gonna go straight to the police! Why would the police be interested, Mr Meyer? Are you kiddin'? Isn't it obvious? How do you think money gets... - How did you know my name? - Do you know this crook? Well, I've never actually met him, Mr Pike, but I've come to feel that I know him. How do you know my name? I don't believe I've met you. Yeah. Who are you? We thought he came with you. Didn't he come with you? He didn't come with us. We thought he came with you. - (Ding) No! - If he didn't come with you or with us... ...well, then, who are you? I'm Captain Culpeper of the Santa Rosita Police Department. - Will you come to the point? - I'm comin' to the point. The point is that I happen to have enough stuff in my private files... ...stuff relating to civic building, road contracts, harbour and cannery projects... Enough stuff to put you, the DA, myself and a two-thirds majority... ...behind bars for the next 20 years. And I give you my word that that's exactly where everybody is going... ...unless certain things start happening now! Like what, for instance? I want the pension for Culpeper's grade trebled! Not doubled - trebled! I want Culpeper to retire with honour. I want it on paper and signed that that's exactly what's gonna happen... ...and I want that paper in my hands in 15 minutes... ...or I'll have all the reporters in town in here in 20. Now, you know the word for this, Your Honour. It's called blackmail. Sir, could you possibly see your way clear to... give us a break? You kiddin'? Him give you a break? We had a rough day already. We was all covered in dirt and fell down in a plane... ...and my grandmother's dying in Oxnard. I know we don't deserve any kindness, Captain, but... ...if you could help us, I'm sure we'd all be inspired to go on and live better lives. Well, there is one thing. I don't know whether it would help or not. But... if, instead of my turning you in... ...you went and turned yourselves in... ...juries sometimes look very favourably on things like that. You... You'd let us do that? What are we waiting for? Let's turn ourselves in. You're a fine human being, sir. After all, why should you care if we get a break? Well, Mr Meyer, no matter what you've all done today, you're not really criminals. So, if you like, you can all hop into those two cabs and drive over to Santa Rosita... ...and, uh... just walk in. - Then let's do that. - But we can't all get into the two cabs. You can't take the stolen vehicles. Those have to stay here to be picked up later. Well, let's go before he changes his mind. (all talking at once) Drive carefully. They may be the last passengers you'll ever carry. Oh, funny. That's funny. Funny, right? Funny? You could be the most comical cop I ever met. Yeah! - Culpeper. - Yes, sir? Everything is under control here. It'll take a little longer because there was a joker that nobody knew about. Right? Yes, sir. So don't make a move of any kind until you hear from me. Yes, sir. Listen. Why does the man wanna give everybody a break? What's his angle? - Yeah. I was wondering about that too. - Somethin' very funny is goin' on. - How does he know what we'll do? - Look, we'd better do just what he said. I'm tellin' ya, the man has got some angle. - Wait a minute. Hold it! - What is it? Can you see him? - So just what does he think he's doing? - That certainly is strange! - What is he doing? - He's going the other way! - Why are we standing here?! - (uproar) Aaarghhh! - Argh! - Holy mackerel! I almost didn't make it! No other cops around. He planned it. We knew where the money was. He was just waitin' to take it from us. Yeah. But if we find the money first and turn it in, we'll all be in the clear. So, let's just get the dough and worry about the rest later. - Look! He's slowin' down! - No. He's gonna turn off to the left. - What's goin' on? - (shouting) Sorry, Jimmy. (angry shouting) Back it up! Back it up! Back it up! He's headin' for the border! We should stop and call the police station. You shut up! We're gonna get that money! Keep driving! That woman is somethin' else! - Take your foot off the brake! - Stop hittin' me! I'm drivin'! - When you want a cab, you can't get one! - Yeah! Let's go! Come on! - F- 14 to Central. - Come in, 14. What is it? We think there's somethin' phony here. We're on 101 checkin' a mad-dog report. Orders were to maintain silence. Captain Culpeper wants this channel kept clear. We know it, but we saw Captain Culpeper. He just went by doin' 90 miles an hour. I don't think I understand that, 14. - Are you sure it was Captain Culpeper? - Yep. - Was he chasing anybody? - Nope. - Could he have been chasing anybody? - Chief, it's the mayor. That's what struck us so funny. There were 15 people in two cabs behind him. - It looked like they were chasing him. - They were chasing him? Hey, what's going on here? - I brought everything you asked for. - The pension? - Call him. Try to get Captain Culpeper. - Yes, sir. Calling Captain Culpeper. Central Division. Urgent. Calling Captain Culpeper. Captain Culpeper! - This could only happen in America. - Are you gonna start that again? You've got to believe me! I'm going to be sick! What's the matter with you? You trying to kill us? Just don't make me nervous! Just don't make me nervous! Don't let him get away! Head him off! Head him off the other way! Calling Captain Culpeper. Culp, this is Aloysius speaking. Listen to me, Culp. Everything has been fixed. There's been negotiation and everything is all right. Cut out this nonsense and answer me. This is Aloysius speaking. I still don't understand this. What's it all about? Well, that's it. All units. Arrest Captain Culpeper. Hey, there he is! There he is! Get me out of here! Just don't sit there. Come on! Come on now! This way! That's him! - There he is! - Come on! Stop pushin', will ya? Wait a minute! We got him. Now you women stay here. What do you mean, "You women stay here"? You heard him, Mother. Stay here! - Come on, let's go! - (Finch) Why do you push? (shouting) He came in here! Is he there? Wait a minute! Stop! Hold it! Wait a minute! Listen! Yes! (Meyer) Watch what you're doin', will ya?! (shouting and snarling) Get him! Get him! Get him! Get him! Stop pushin'! Get the suitcase! (woman) Look! Look up there! ...in this regard. And there is no doubt... Hey. Hey! He-e-e-ey! Those ladders are not safe! Hey, the ladders aren't safe! Get off 'em! Get it away! Get it away from him! (screaming) Sylvester, what are you doing up there? You must be out of your mind! Hey, wait a minute! Get the suitcase! (policeman blows whistle) Get the money! Get the money! (crowd roars) Hand it over! Don't you dare touch that money! (siren) (Benjy) Hey, you! Don't stand down there! Get a net! Russell, hang on! (crowd cheers) Hold on! Wait a minute! One at a time! Did you hear me? One at a time! (crowd screams) All right. Well... All right. You'll see. You'll see. We'll get on alphabetical. I'm Benjy! Wait a minute. You're steppin' on my head! Get on the ladder. Get on the ladder! Don't leave me! Come back here! You can't leave me! We can't control it! There's too many men on it! (yelling) (screaming) (crowd roars) (crowd squeals) (screams) Hold it steady! Watch it! She's whippin' loose! - Ohhh... - (falls down stairs) Mama-a-a-a! (crowd gasps) Wind us down! Wind us down! We're greedy! That's us! Greedy! I don't want the money! Oh! Get a net! Get off! Get off! She's goin'! Get outta there, Tom! Aarghh! (crowd screams) Aarghh! Emmeline! Mama! (men groaning) It was all your fault. It was all your fault, right from the beginning to the end. You know, even for a policeman... ...your behaviour was ruddy outrageous. You could've taken a fair share like the rest of us. But no, you had to go and grab up the whole scene, baby. We had 350,000 bucks right in our hands. 14 into $350,000. - (men moaning) - Shut up. I wish I knew what they were gonna do to us. But no matter what happens to us, what happens to you I hope will be worse. I don't think you have to worry too much about that. My wife is divorcing me... ...my mother-in-law is suing me for damages... ...my daughter is applying to the courts to have her name changed... ...my pension has been revoked... ...and the only reason that you ten idiots will very likely get off lightly... ...is because the judge will have me up there to throw the book at. Aw, that's tough. (laughs) I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now... ...there'd be something I could laugh at. Anything. Now see here, you idiots! It's all your fault! If you hadn't... Oh! Mama! Get away from me! Leave me alone! (men laugh hysterically) # It's a mad, it's a mad, it's a mad, it's a mad # World! Visiontext Subtitles: Doreen Trenerry