Trick - English Transcript

Trixie. Gabe, could she use the bathroom first? I really gotta pee. Yeah, sure. She's company, Gabe. I'll be fast. You didn't have to stay out all night. I fell asleep in the hall. I thought Judy was coming back from Paris tonight. That's right. I need the apartment tonight. No problem. Penny, Penny, Twitty, and Faffenburger. Vivian Faffenburger's office, Gabriel speaking. -Hey, babe. -Katherine. -Are you busy? -I'm so busy. -Good, can you talk? -Sure. So, that cute guy we met at Footlight Records... took me to dinner. Oh, that's great. Oh, my God, babe. Dress rehearsal totally sucked, but that's good luck, right? No. He took me to dinner because he wanted me to play piano... for one of his auditions for the national tour of "Titanic." It wasn't a date. Men are such ***. Can you run lines with me? Sure, just a sec. Oh, great. Chapter fourteen, right? OK. Who is he, the Son of man? Is he as beautiful as you are? Get thee behind me. I hear in the palace the beating of the wings... of the angel of death. -Jokanen. -Who speaketh? I am amorous of your mouth, Jokanen. It is like a pomegranate cut in twain with a knife of ivory. There is nothing in the world so red as your mouth. Suffer me to kiss your mouth. Don't tell me. You better tell me. Never, daughter of Babylon... daughter of ***, never! This needs to go out this afternoon. -Never! -Gotta go. Call me later. Can you sign my timecard? Hard day at the office? Did you find a rhyme for the lyric in the second "A"? I'm working on it. Uh, what's with the umbrella? What am I supposed to sing? Should I hum or what? Yeah, yeah, hum. Or maybe la la la. -Fine. -I'll wing it. Are we in studio "D," because I hate... what the acoustics in that room do to my voice. OK, this is the song for the second act of my musical. Uh, it will be sung by the character of-- Once again, my friend Katherine Lamberg... will be singing the part of Dorkus the maid. Oh, and she brought her picture and résumé... in case anyone's interested. I will be reading the part of Rodrigo... and stage directions. OK. OK, Rodrigo's just finished his big ballad... applause, applause, applause. That's some story. It would take a miracle for me to ever love again. But miracles can happen. I've never seen one. Never? Well, not for a very long time. Buck up, Rodrigo. I think you're just about due for a miracle. They kiss. Rodrigo exits. I've heard that all the world's a stage And we are only players Acting out some predetermined page But it is lonely as can be With nobody opposite me Then Enter you Voilà, it's showtime You brought the house down with a dance and a dum Diddy Enter you In less than no time La la la la la la la lum litty Up went the curtain My lines felt wrong Intermission seemed so far away The plot uncertain The scenes too long Life was like an uninspiring play But Now you're here We meet stage center I thought my story line was through Then, enter you Now you're here We meet stage center I thought my story line was through Then From the blue Enter You You were great. I really liked it. Thanks. But, do you think this is how the maid would really behave? Well, this isn't reality. I mean, we're talking about a maid who belts E-flats here. I mean, you don't have people walking down the street... bursting into song and dancing, right? Except maybe in the West Village. Ha ha, just kidding. Anyway, Gabriel, you made your point... but it's still important that the writer tell the truth. I mean, "Enter you"? I don't know. I mean, she's just been kissed. Have you captured that feeling you get... after a really great kiss-- the best kiss you ever had? It's exciting, and it's terrifying... and it's sexy and... and maybe you think you could fall in love. You know what I mean? Well, you know, Rodrigo and Dorkus just met. I mean, if we were talking about how people really behave... I can't have them falling in love on the first night. That wouldn't be believable. Well, not if you don't believe it. I mean, why is she singing this? Would you sing it? I hope I didn't embarrass you in there. No more than I embarrassed myself presenting the song. He gets funny when his songs don't go over on the first try. Oh, don't do that. He's got a copy at home. Listen, the best advice anybody ever gave me... I was writing a libretto... for a musical version of "Satyricon." I was having a little trouble... getting into ancient Rome and sex ***, ***-- This was in college. So, this professor tells me that I should wear silk underpants... and eat pomegranate seeds out of a goblet. -Silk underpants? -It changed everything. Gabriel, you gotta grab life by the balls. You gotta try for the unexpected. It's the only way to get the good stuff. They're just jealous. You didn't flop. I know what a flop feels like, and this definitely was a flop. You're too sensitive. Forget about it. I put a ticket for my show tonight under your name. It's a comp, so don't let them intimidate you into paying. Can you put these in your backpack? -So, what do you want to do now? -I don't know. -What's that? -Just something someone gave me. Some gay bar that charges three bucks for a Diet Coke? I will see you at your show, OK, Katherine? Where are you going? I thought we could grab a chicken Caesar at Cozy's. What? I said hey. What do you do? What do I do? Writer. What do you write? Musicals. I feel really lame telling people that... because it makes me seem like a queen... which I don't think I am... but it wouldn't matter if I was anyway. Except, I'm not. You got a boyfriend? Would I be here if I had a boyfriend? I've got one. Really? And where is he? He's at home. You want to come over? We don't live far from here. I think I see a friend. You should be dancing up there! It's kind of loud! You could! You want to? I know the owner. No, thanks. Diet Coke with lime. Do you do that? What? Are you a go-go boy? I used to be. Too much beer. But you'll see me up there again someday. I don't know how to dance. Not like that. You just got to do it, man. Watch. Yeah, you just gotta do it, man. Does it pay well? It depends. You see, you work for tips. Sometimes you make a hundred... and if they like you, you make a hundred and fifty. And...if you do the other stuff... Shove off, baby. That's all you're getting from me tonight. Do you do the other stuff? No, not since I found Jesus. You're cute as ***. You live around here? Yeah, but my roommate will be back in about two hours. You can do a lot in two hours. Hi. I'm--I'm Gabriel. Mark. I'm Mark. Wow, this is really awkward. I said this is awkward. Which way? Which floor are you on? Five. It's just one more flight. This is it. It sticks sometimes. Oh, babe, you scared me. I hope you're not allergic. Why are you here? I left three messages. I'm using your computer, updating my résumé. What are you guys up to? Just hanging out. Oh, uh, well, I need to get to my show... as soon as this is done printing. Is this a bad idea? No, no. It's a good idea. Really. Hi. I'm Katherine Lamberg. I'm an actress. We don't have any chairs, so... Maybe I should go. This won't take too long. How many résumés are you printing? A hundred and fifty. I'm in an all-female production of "Salome"... set in a women's penitentiary. It's non-equity. That sounds great. Really? I'm a slave, but I understudy John the Baptist. There's a performance tonight at midnight. Maybe you could come with Gabriel. Maybe. Uh... You two are roommates? But we're very close. I even take care of his dog. Trixie. I live with this guy--Rich. He's straight. Gabe, I talked to my mother. She called you my boyfriend again. Isn't that funny? That's funny. She still calls you that... even though we haven't been dating since high school. We weren't really dating. Ask anyone from EI Camino. They'll say we were. We went to one prom back when I thought I was-- Thought he liked girls then. And I was always wondering why I was making the first move. I thought it was me. I told my mother Gabriel's gay. And she was, like, "Oh, really? You never said." I was, like, "Didn't I mention he's a musical theater writer? "Hello! Do I have to spell it out for you?" That was a million years ago. You know what Gabe used to call me? ***. You're so kooky. I had this James Bond thing, you know, uh... Octopussy, *** Galore. Hmm. I didn't like it when other people said it... but it was OKwhen Gabe called me *** or ***-***... or ***. Actually, I didn't really like ***. Do you have any nicknames? Beer Can. Did you used to drink a lot in college? Gabe's writing a part for me in his musical--the maid. It's actually a very big part. It's really good. I sing all his songs. He's a wonderful writer. You're so very talented. I don't know how I feel about writing musicals right now. I just know you're gonna be the next Andrew Lloyd Webber... or Stephen Sondheim or something. I spent the last eight years of my life writing... in a genre that's been dying a slow death since "Gypsy." He's a golden boy. He really is. You love musicals. I used to. Musicals are way too contrived and phony and campy and stupid. I don't even know why I write them. You write songs? The music, too? And you...play the piano? Let's do a number! Just one. He'll love it. His songs are so great. Katherine, I don't think that Mark's interested in my songs. Do one. Really? Yeah. I'd like to hear one. See? All right. One number, and then you're leaving. -Cross your heart? -Cross my heart. God, I have to get to my show anyway. Oh, this is so fun. I tell ya, if Harold Prince heard this... I've heard that all the world's a stage And we are only players Acting out some predetermined page But it is lonely as can be With nobody opposite me Then Enter you Voilà, it's showtime God, I'm sorry, but that dog... You sing. No, I sing his songs. You were singing with her. -I was? -Yeah. Sing it. Well, Katherine usually-- I'll sing along with you. Let him do it alone. I heard that all the world's a st-- No. Just where she left off. Enter you Voilà, it's showtime You brought the house down With a dance and a dum-diddy Enter you In less than no time I, uh, still have to figure out this part. Up went the curtain I've got it. Perry. How's it going? I was feeling, you know, a little torchy... a little chanteusey, so I stumbled into a piano bar... and thought I'd belt out some of my better numbers... for a bunch of *** old fairies. I knew you wouldn't want to miss that. Wow. Thanks, but Katherine's opening in a show tonight. Oh, I understand. But, you know, you could stop by later, after her show. I'll probably be here till pretty late. You know where Eighty-eight's is, right? Yeah. It's around the corner from that play you took me to. -The one with-- -Greg Louganis, right. -Right. -Great. Friend. You should sing more. Thanks. It's done. No, it's not. It ran out of paper. It's done. Can you see me out? Babe... He's a go-go boy. Well, I'm going. Your name's on the comp list. You're gonna be there, right? Yeah. And Rich is coming back soon. OK? -One or two? -What? One or two tickets? Well, is the go-go boy coming to my show? I don't know. Put me down for one. Hmm. You know, now that my show's opening... I won't have to rehearse so much. Maybe we can finally go see Helen Reddy sing... and get a baked Alaska. -OK, great. -Great. Bye, babe. Finally. You're really cute. Maybe if I played the piano, I could relax. Whatever. Keep playing. Oh, my God. Feel good? Do you like that? All right. And... What if you... went over here? Where? Down here. There? What do you want me to do down there? I've always wanted someone to go down on me... while I was playing the piano. Oh, my God, I can't believe I just told you that. I've never told anyone that. You want to do it? I'll just scoot out so you can get in. Uh...just a sec. Yeah, girl. Backyard. Out in the backyard. Good girl, Trixie. I'm sorry. Are you uncomfortable? It's OK. What? I don't know what to play. Does it matter? Sorry. Do you like show tunes? Uh, I'm a little too nervous to play classical. It's your fantasy. Well, in my fantasy, I take requests. ***! Get dressed. Gabriel, you just got music in your bones. What's going on? I need the apartment. Mark wanted to hear my songs. And...you're early. And...l need the apartment. She's been in France all summer. Yeah, and you're early. And I told you I needed the apartment tonight. Can we talk about this in the bathroom? What's Trixie doing on the fire escape? Please. I only need an hour. Please, please, please, Rich... 'cause I really, really want to do this. I'm really, really into him... and it's not like I get to do this very often. And I slept out in the hall last night. Will you--Shh! What Judy and I have is special. Special? And I get the impression that you disrespect... the love that Judy and I share, and that hurts. I expect it from my parents. They don't know. But you? You of all people, I thought you would understand. This is really hard for me. I don't know how to meet people. I get really weird... and I make it more important than it should be. Can't you do it tomorrow night? She's been in France all summer. You can't ask a one-night stand to come back tomorrow night! Let's flip for it. ***. -Flip? -Yeah, flip. Heads. No! Tails! I have a token. What are you looking for? ***. You want "New York City Transit Authority"... or "Good for one fare"? Merci. "Good for one fare." Where do you live? Brooklyn. Yeah. But let's not go all the way out there. Oh, you have a boyfriend or something? No, but it's not really my apartment. You see, I rent the room from this old woman... and she doesn't like me bringing guys back to the place. If you're not into this, I totally understand. No, I am. Well, what about Wonder Bar? What do we want to go to a bar for? Right. Right. Yeah. I usually don't go to bars. Well, I did tonight, but... Well, I go to bars, but not a lot. I used to think I didn't like gay people... but now, actually, I think that I do like gay people. There was a time that I felt like... I wasn't one of them. You know? Culturally. You suck ***, right? Yeah, but what I mean is, I don't have bleached hair... and I don't look good in Lycra... and I don't work out...much. You ever had a boyfriend? I wouldn't call him a boyfriend. He was actually something totally random. I met him in the library... and he was really cute... and he had this ltalian accent, which I love. I totally love guys with accents. I mean, I was nuts. I mean, I was totally goofy for this guy. But then, you know, one day... we just stopped having things to talk about. Then I stopped calling him to see if he'd call me... and he didn't. It was probably better anyways. I mean, I didn't have a bedroom. I mean, what's the use of having a boyfriend... if you don't have a bedroom, right? Besides, I started getting this nagging feeling... you know, that he was lying to me all the time. I don't think he was ltalian. I actually think he was Puerto Rican or something. Well, Gabe, maybe I should get going. Uh, wait! Uh... I do know this one guy. From my writer's workshop. Well, I don't know. Maybe we could, uh... go to his place. Great. Call him. He's not at home, actually. He's at a piano bar. # I told my friend, the writer # # How happy I would be # # If he'd write an opening number # # Especially for me # # But when he had it finished # # It came as quite a shock # # He handed me a song titled # # How do you like my... # # I said, "You can't do that in public" # # I said, "Even I wouldn't dare" # # So he made a few small changes # # Now I can sing it anywhere # # Còmo te gusta mi pinga # # En tus pantalònes # # Còmo te gusta mi pinga # # Y mis cajònes # # It's the same old thing in the same old hole # # But when you say it in Espanol # # It sounds divine # # Còmo te gusta mi pinga # # Es muy caliente # # Còmo te gusta mi pinga # # Es grande plenty # # You don't go around # # Shouting, "You're well-hung" # # But when you do it in another tongue # # It's just fine # # When the hour's late, and I don't have a date # # And I feel that I can't go on # # I lift up my head, and I stick out my chin # # And I talk like # # Montalban # # Còmo te gusta mi pinga # # It sounds so neato # # Like a warm quesadilla # # Or a pork burrito # # It's the same old cheese and the same old meat # # But when it has a Latin beat # # It's OK # # Còmo te gusta mi pinga # # Olé # Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. And thank you to my favorite piano man-- Mr. Lester Sinclair. This makes me seem really desperate, and I kind of am. Anyway, it's a long pathetic story you don't want to hear... but I met this guy, and we don't have a place to go. Oh, I want to hear this story. Where is he? He's cute. -He's a go-go boy. -No. I can't believe I'm asking you this. What? But, uh, you've got your place to yourself now, right? Gabriel, you ***. Of course you can use my co-op for your little love antics. Someone should. But you got to promise not to break anything, OK? Gabriel tells me you're a go-go boy. -That must be fun. -It's a blast. So how often do you participate in three-ways or four-gies? -I'm doing research. -For what? My Casanova musical. Mark, three-ways or four-gies? Uh, sometimes. What kind of guys do you usually pick up, or do you hustle? No. I don't hustle. I bet you wouldn't object... If I slipped a ten-spot in your undies. So what's your type? It varies. Interesting. They aren't all like Gabriel, then? Once I dated this guy from Yale. He was in the glee club. -A Whiffenpoof! -You heard of them? I can't resist a lyric baritone. In fact, I've dated three Whiffenpoofs... four Tigertones, a Crocadillo... and two members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. So you liked this Whiffenpoof? Yeah. He was really great. I bet you broke his heart. All Casanovas do. Um, you know. Be careful with a musician's heart. We're fragile. So can me and Gabe go back to your place and screw around? My apartment's just up in Chelsea. Would it be OK if you used the futon in the living room? I feel a little weird about the bed. -It's fine. -Good. How long do you expect this might take? I wasn't planning on coming back yet. I could go out and let you in... and then go back out for maybe two hours. To tell you the truth, I wanted to get sauced tonight. Who just broke up with his boyfriend? -Sorry. -No, I don't want any sympathy. I just want to forget about him. It's good you boys are coming over, you know? My place hasn't seen any action for two weeks. But I wanted it. -You dumped him? -No. He dumped you? Well, I made him dump me. We were crying, and he asked me what I wanted. And I said, "I want you to break up with me!" I didn't expect him to do it. Three years--I'm single for the first time in three years. God, I want him back. What am I saying? I don't want to see him again. Just his sweaters. I bought most of those sweaters anyway. Before he met me, he had two decent sweaters. Well, three. Maybe four. Let's not talk about this, OK? Let's not talk about it. Gabriel presented his song in class today. That peach who sings your songs--Boy, is she loud. I told him he needed to grab life by the balls... but I never expected... Well, just look at you. That song is very good, though. Thanks. Pastichey, but I like that. How does that begin again? -The verse? -Yeah. How does that go? I've heard that all the world's Cut it. No one wants to hear that. -Cut the verse? -Honey, get it out of there. Just go to the chorus. That's the fun part. But what about all the setup? Gabriel! Songwriters have been doing... the verse-chorus thing forever. It's tired. Be a maverick. What's the function of a verse? To kill time till we get to the chorus. During the verse, we wait. We are waiting for the chorus. Just give us what we want. Chorus, chorus, chorus! Oh, my God, there he is! I'm sorry, Gabriel. He's cuter. What, is that-- My ex. Please let him see me. Please let him see me. -Come here. -What-- Hey, how have you been? Really great. You got a haircut. It looks nice. I don't want to interrupt. Oh, no, you're not. It's nice to see you. I'd like to talk to you sometime. Hi. I'm Mark. How you doing? I've been better. You know, meeting this guy... has been one of the luckiest things that ever happened to me. Really? Are you two...dating? Dating? Him? We're not...dating. Absolutely not. Not in the romantic sense. I mean, this thing between us, it's purely animal. Right, stud? He's an animal. I see. Yeah, but we discovered we're both out-and-out tops... so we're makin' the rounds tonight... Iookin' for a couple of hot bottoms. We got one. Did I say you could talk? -No, what? -No, thank you? -No, sir! -No, sir. He's still in training. We fit. I know. We do. We fit. Are you still staying with that choreographer? Yeah. I haven't found a place yet. We should talk. Can I come over? It's OK. Work this out. Talk. Yeah. Talk. Sir. That was nice. What? That. What you just did. I didn't do anything. Come on. Ten minutes, ladies. Oh, my God. Everyone I know is here tonight. Oh, how sweet. You have to read this. They're from an old boyfriend of mine. Oh, I wonder if he knows that my new boyfriend... is here tonight, too. Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, give those to her. Have a great show, everyone. I think I know who these are from. -Who? -Gabriel. Oh, is that your boyfriend? They're for you. Oh, no, that's OK. There's no more room. You can keep them. Thanks! What? She's watching us. Who is? So? I think she's lonely. No, she's not lonely. She's--No. I'm going to feed her. She looks hungry. Here, Trixie. Do you have any menus? I think I'm hungry. You're always hungry. You're always ***. He's with me. Don't we need our hands stamped? Here, sexy. -Hey, you never call me. -Yup. You want something to drink? No, thanks. Crowded. Aren't you hot? Hey, girl! Dino! Ooh, man, I am *** *** tonight. I better get laid, that's all I'm saying. It shouldn't be too hard. -I got a tattoo yesterday. -What? A tattoo on my ***. You got to see it. It's so cool. It's hot in here. Are you hot? Down, boy. You're wasted. Totally trashed. Do you need to sit? No. I want to stand here with you. And you. I forgot to put ointment on it. My tattoo. It's so cool. It's a sailor-- total beefcake. I can't see it without a mirror. Where's the bathroom? -What? -The bathroom. Back there. Where'd you pick up Priscilla? What a drag. Girl needs to loosen up. Yo, leave him alone. Let's get out of here before he comes back. No. A friend invited me to a party in Tribeca. Yeah? Which friend? Some rich guy. Look, I'm not into hanging out with a bunch of party burnouts. Aw, it's not like that, baby. It's yummy. So, are you and Mark boyfriends? I'm sorry? What's your name? As in, "Blow, Gabriel, blow"? I've heard that before. Yeah, well... I'm Miss Coco Peru. So, is Mark your boyfriend or just a trick? I don't know what we are. Oh, I've heard that before. Look... I'm not one to gossip. It's not my nature. Truth. Now, that's my nature. Uh, can you stand over there? A little pee shy? Oh, don't worry. Miss Coco's here to help. You look like a nice person. You do. So, as a truth seeker... I feel it's my duty to tell you... that Mark is a no-good *** piece of rat ***. Don't get me wrong. He's handsome. He's charming. Huge ***. Oh, believe me, Gabriel, I know. I'd really like to hear this, but could you-- Turn around? Sure. Yeah, I remember the first time I met him. It was two years ago, Gay Pride Day. I was on the train going home from the festivities... and he was sitting across from me, sleeping. But he wasn't really sleeping. Oh, no. He was pretending to sleep... because he knows he looks like an angel when he's sleeping... and not the Antichrist he really is. And even though I could tell he was faking... I went along with it. Call me crazy. I don't know. Anyway, we started talking... and he gives me some line about some old lady he lives with... and he asks if he can go back to my place. I told him. I don't invite strangers up to my apartment. And then he looks down at his crotch... and then back up at me, and he says... "It's big, it's beautiful... "and you're going to love it." And I said, "Oh... "all right." And as he walked me back to my apartment... on that gay night of nights... he took my hand gently into his. And for a moment... I felt like the luckiest drag queen in the world. And I fantasized-- "Yes. This is it. "This is the man I'm going to spend... "the rest of my life with." I'd be the one to show him the virtues of a loving heart. But do you know what he did? He took that heart, he tossed it on the floor. With his little Satan hoofs, he jumped. He jumped hard. The truth is, Gabriel, when we got back to my apartment... he threw me on the bed. He tore off all my clothes. Will you hold on one *** minute?! Come on! Jesus Christ. Now I forgot where I was. Where was l? Threw you on the bed, tore off all your clothes. Right. So I'm licking his balls. Next thing I know... he comes in my eye, and he's out the door. Gone. You ever get come in your eye, Gabriel, hmm? It burns. So, there I was... Iying in the middle of my bed completely naked... with an eye full of come, thinking to myself... And then, the next day... when I call the number he'd given me earlier... it was the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. And would believe? They never even heard of a Mark Miranda. But am I bitter? Absolutely. Let's face it, Gabriel. You are just another little phone number... on a dirty cocktail napkin... shoved into the bottom of his pocket. Good boy. But do what you will. I only offer you this information... because I'm a giver. Who knows? Maybe someday we'll meet again... and I'll be able to look at you and say... "I told you so." Totally sick, right? Sick. I'm glam, baby. You don't even know how glam I am. You want me? What's wrong with you? Good night, Dino. -I'm going. -What? Where do you work out? Sorry. I'm with someone. Why are you sitting in the hall? Why'd you come back? You're upset. No, no, I'm not upset. We shouldn't have gone there. No. It was good we went. Really. You didn't need to come back. Yes, I did. Can we go in and talk? They're still going at it. Yeah, so you should probably go home. I can't. I think I left my keys in your apartment. I'll knock. ***. ***. Who's that? Yeah. Who is it? It's Gabe. We're not finished. Can you come to the door? I need to talk. -Sorry. -What do you need? Mark thinks he left his keys. Judy, do you see some keys? Where'd you leave them? I don't know. Maybe near the bed. I don't see them. Maybe you guys should just come in and look. It'll be faster that way. No. You're not coming in. He can't go home until he finds his keys! All right, but you better be gone... by the time I'm out of the bathroom. All right. Can you help us look? Well, where would they be? I'm not sure. Did you guys just meet each other tonight? Yeah. Can we make this as fast as possible? And you want to do each other? Gabriel, how do you know you can trust this guy? You don't really know a thing about him. You're right. I don't know him at all. I think it's kind of a turn-on, don't you? Anonymous sex-- That's pretty hot. Yeah, pretty hot. Let's just look for the keys. That's the great thing about anonymous sex-- You can say you're just about anyone... and your partner can't disagree. Do you want to see l.D.? Well, I do. Oh, you went to a Soonie school? What'd you major in? Journalism. Well, his name's really Mark. I don't see them. When you know too much about a person... sometimes it's hard to think of them sexually... but when you know someone only in a *** way... it's hard to think of them as a person. Can I have my wallet back? I want to be a sex counselor someday. That's my dream. Great. You know, personally, as a sexually active female... I find the idea of two men getting it on incredibly hot. Are you sure they're here? No, I'm not sure. Can you stand still for a second and let me explain? You know what they say-- Everyone's bisexual to a degree. But to a degree, everyone is. There's this part in Paris where everyone's bi--everyone. There's no straight, no gay-- just bi... and anyone who hasn't been doesn't even know. It's great. Have you ever been to Paris, Gabriel? I bet you have, haven't you, Mark? Can we just find the keys? Ooh, it hasn't been a very good night for someone. You guys done yet? We're looking! Why are you so upset, Gabriel? I'm not upset. OK, I'm upset. Do you want to talk about it? Well, that's valid. Mark? I'm sorry. We never should've gone to that club. You were kissing him. Dino's this guy I used to date... and, actually, he was kissing me... but, technically, you're right, and I'm sorry. I don't usually go there with anybody. Especially not somebody l... I don't know what's happening tonight... and I don't know how you feel about me. Gabriel, I think now is a good time... for you to verbalize your feelings. Why did you just leave? Why didn't you say anything to me? I pay rent here, too, you know! Gabriel, maybe Mark deserves to know why you left... without telling him. I left because of what the drag queen... in the bathroom told me. There was a drag queen in the bathroom? Here we go. What did he say? He said a lot, but the gist of it... was that tonight was just a whole routine for you. -What? -Tonight. It was all lines. "Oh, look at me. I'm sleeping on the subway." I was tired. You didn't have to stare. This old lady-- I don't like bringing guys back to my place. And so what? I was trying to pick you up. Well, it worked. Why is that such a problem? Why were you listening to him? I didn't have much of a choice. -I slept with him one time. -He mentioned that. Did he also tell you he videotaped it? Oh, ***. Yeah. Without telling me. And then right when I'm about to, you know... ***? Right. He tells me to move into the light... and I figured it out, so I grabbed the tape... and I got the *** out of there. Well, he didn't say that-- about the video-- but he said you left. You know, this whole night should've been over hours ago. It's gotten way too complicated. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop... because I know that you're just going to dump me... Iike you dumped that Whiffenpoof. What the hell is a Whiffenpoof? A singer! I feel stupid spending this entire evening... Iooking for a place just to get off. Oh, is that all we were doing? That's all I was doing. Really? Definitely. You know... I know I picked you up on the subway and all... so I don't know why you'd be any different than... I don't know. I thought there was something more going on tonight. And just for the record, the Whiffenpoof dumped me. Judy, your sheet slipped. Aw, ***. -Cover yourself. -Would you lighten up? Your *** are hanging out. You know, in Europe, *** are ***. They're very natural and beautiful things. -Just-- -Would you let me be? Put them away, Judy. It's not like anything would've happened. You're not in Paris anymore. Is this the way you've been acting the past six months? Yes. For the past six months... I've been touring France topless. And you want to know something? Nobody seems to care. Get over it, Rich. -What are you doing, Judy? -What does it look like? Can't you see I'm getting dressed? I'm going home to my grandmother's in Connecticut. Look, here's the keys. I knew you were different when I saw your hairy armpits. Judy found your keys. Are you hungry? Oh, my God, it's so hysterical that you guys are here. Isn't that hilarious? French fries. Thank you. It's really good you didn't come to the show tonight. We were really off. You want some? Anyway, the girl playing John the Baptist-- horribly allergic to gladiolas-- Who knew? So there's a chance I might go on tomorrow night. Didn't we order cheese fries? Oh, yeah. Should we tell her? We're out of Thousand lsland. I gave you Ranch. Oh, well. I have to tell you about this really artsy party... this French-Canadian girl in my acting class threw. Everyone there, they wrote, like, poems or novellas. So this one college guy-- He was Asian-- He gets up with this little leatherette portfolio... with a satin ribbon to tie it, and he's going to read poetry. But before he starts reading... he tell us about his fascination with the human body. But he says what fascinates him even more... is what comes out of the human body. I know I'm lactose intolerant... but I really wish these had cheese on them. Anyway, evidently, he's tasted everything... that's come out of his body except ***... and he says he'll probably taste that one day, too. And then he reads a poem about ***... so I'm thinking, this guy really likes ***. But then he keeps reading, and he reads seventeen poems... all about ***. Seventeen. I'm not kidding. And he's talking about the smells and the colors-- Gabe, can you pass me the ketchup? I was so relieved when he got tired of reading. Then this ethnic woman stands up. She was Native American or Filipino. I can't tell. She didn't have a poem to read... so she tells us about a problem she's having--this sex problem. She said there's some force... that's just making her screw around all the time. Now all these guys are after her... and, I mean, she's not what I would call sexy. Not that I'm into women, but I can tell when a woman's sexy. I mean, it's not that she was a *** or anything. She just wasn't what I would call sexy, that's all. Anyway--This is really funny-- I drank so much homemade rose hip iced tea... that I really had to pee in the middle of her story. So I go to the bathroom... but the bathroom door's locked, so I'm kind of standing there. I'm looking at the wallpaper, which was giving me a headache. Then the toilet flushes. The door opens, and the *** guy walks out... and he's smiling. Not one of those polite acknowledgment smiles. He's smiling, like he's happy about something. All of a sudden, I didn't have to pee anymore. How's everything? Fine. Everything's fine. Want to hear the audition monologue I'm working on? No, I have new intentions. -You really don't get it. -What? You have been monopolizing this entire conversation... since we got here. Look, you're my best friend. You know I love you... but right now, I don't want to hear your audition monologue. I didn't come here to have you sit down... invite yourself over, and talk about ***. I was just talking. I know, but-- Why are you being such a jerk all of a sudden? Yeah. ***'s funny. ***'s ***. Give it a rest, you Nancy priss ***... and let us enjoy ourselves. I promise I'll call tomorrow. I promise I'll see your show... but right now, I need to be alone with Mark. Please, don't ruin this for me. What are you trying to say? Go someplace else. Take your girlfriends. Practice your audition monologue on them-- whatever--but please just go. You know, every time that you insinuate... that I should sleep with women, I feel like-- -I didn't mean that. -I don't know. I feel like I have to respond respectfully... because I don't want you to think... that I think that it's wrong or bad or nasty. But you bring it up every five minutes. It's the most annoying thing about you. Don't get upset. I don't want to sleep with women! I'm sorry, Gwen. I can't tell you why. You're not that way, that's why. -Katherine-- -Yes, I can. I can. This may be hard for you to believe, gay boy... but I am heterosexual. There are such things as heterosexuals in this world... and I am one of them. But you won't listen to me. You won't drop the subject. Just because it bothers you so much... it's obvious you have lesbian issues you're afraid to face. I have lesbian issues? I don't have lesbian anything! God, it's like when my dad asked why I won't move to New Jersey. What? It'd take me an hour and a half to get to an audition. Can you imagine my dad saying, "I can tell by your reaction... "there's a part of you that wants to move... "but you're afraid to face it"? Holy wow. Doesn't anybody here get it? I'm not a lesbian, I don't want to move to New Jersey... and where's the cheese on these *** *** fries? Can you let me out? Hey, ***. I'm sorry, babe. I'm sorry that I got so mad. Well, I'm sorry. It... It's my fault. Maybe I am a ***. I don't know. It'd be a whole lot easier to get a date. Come here. Oh, God. Why can't you be straight? You don't like any straight men. I don't know any straight men. Kath, are you OK? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. You owe me four dollars for the French fries. We're going to my place to watch a video of tonight's show. Do you want to go? Sure. One second. You better get back inside. I'm going to put your name on the comp list for tomorrow. I'll be there. You better, ***. Tonight's been a mess. But, you know, some of the mess... I did have a good time tonight... even though, you got to admit it was really a mess. You know, I would've invited you back to my place, but-- Aw, it's all right. Don't worry about it. No. I would have, but... the lady I told you about... She's my mother. I live at home. Thank you. I have to pee. Me, too. We're alone. Yeah, finally. Enter you Voilà, it's showtime I hear the music of a Dance and a dum-diddy Enter you You're singing it wrong. What? Don't sing it. It's a good song. Shut up. Well, it is. You're being polite. Shut up. You really think so? Yeah. It's really good. Enter you That's all I know. You have to teach me the rest. I need a piano. We've already established that. You know, I think it's good how this turned out. You do? Yeah. We got the hard part over with. Oh, what about the sex? What kind of a girl do you think I am? Hey, this is Mark. You got me. Leave a message. # Enter you # # Voilà, it's showtime # # You brought the house down # # With a dance and a dum-diddy # # Enter you # # In less than no time # # This ugly drama # # Has become # # Pretty # # Up went the curtain # # My lines felt wrong # # Intermission seemed so far away # # Applause uncertain # The scenes too long # # Life was like an uninspiring play # # But now you're here # # We meet stage center # # I thought my story line was through # # Then from the blue # # Enter ... # # You. #