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Mrs. Alsop's out!
Mrs. Alsop's out!
- Did you turn off the gas?
- What gas?
- Which is her room?
- Er, this one.
We must move her.
Where's the landlady?
- Not home.
- Where's your room?
Two floors up.
Take her shoulders,
I'll take her feet.
Come on, Miss.
Pick up my bag.
Sorry,
you'll have to do that yourself.
Open the windows.
She needs lots of fresh air.
So do I.
- Shall I call an ambulance?
- No time.
She needs an emetic first.
Glass of water, please.
Here it is.
I need 2 quarts of warm water
and some towels.
Towels, coming up.
You found this bottle
clutched in her hand?
Certainly did, from your dispensary.
I see.
How long have you known this girl?
About five minutes.
She'll need looking after
for a couple of days.
- How about the ambulance?
- It isn't necessary now.
She's out of danger.
Besides, sending her to a hospital
would start an inquiry.
And attempted suicide means jail.
However, in a couple of days
she'll be fully recovered.
Meanwhile, let her rest quietly.
If she's thirsty
give her orange juice.
And tomorrow,
if she has an appetite
a little chicken broth,
but no tinned food.
Now, if you'll be at my dispensary
in ten minutes
I'll have a prescription for you.
- For me?
- No. For her, of course.
Headache?
Where am I?
In my room.
I live two floors above you.
What happened?
I came home this evening and
smelled gas coming from your room
so I broke in the door,
called a doctor,
and together we brought you here.
Why didn't you let me die?
What's your hurry?
Are you in pain?
That's all that matters.
The rest is fantasy.
Billions of years it's taken
to evolve human consciousness
and you want to wipe it out.
Wipe out the miracle
of all existence.
More important than anything
in the whole universe!
What can the stars do?
Nothing...
but sit on their axis!
And the sun,
shooting flames 280,000 miles high...
So what?
Wasting all its natural resources.
Can the sun think? Is it conscious?
No, but you are!
Pardon me, my mistake.
Here you are, and there you go!
Well, bless me. Heavens alive!
Look at that. Look at me door!
House breaking, that's what it is!
I suppose she's taken her things.
She'll go to jail for this.
I knew she was no good.
That quiet type.
Still waters that run deep
usually stink!
That's funny,
she hasn't taken a thing.
And she won't, either.
Not until she's paid 4 weeks rent.
Smashing in a door!
Nice festivities
going on behind my back!
Well, she's out now
and she'll stay out!
Mr. Calvero! Oh Mr. Calvero!
Is that you, Mr. Calvero?
Your laundry.
I was about to leave it on your bed.
Just a moment!
Hold it, hold it!
Hold everything!
You dropped these.
And here's your oranges.
Thank you.
So this is
how she spends her evenings.
You take your hands off me!
What's she doing in your room?
The opposite of what you think.
I'd like to know
who smashed in the door downstairs.
- I did.
- You did!
You have a leaking gas pipe.
I have a what?
I mean that room
has a leaking gas pipe.
There's something fishy about this.
- Who is she anyway?
- You ought to know by now.
Came six weeks ago.
Said she was a working girl.
That's what they all say.
Why are you so interested?
The girl tried to kill herself.
Took poison, turned on the gas.
I came home just in time.
I'll call the police
and get an ambulance.
It'll be in all the papers.
You don't want that.
She's not staying where she is.
My good woman, I don't want her!
Let her go back to her room.
I should say not.
Besides, it's rented.
You can't throw her into the street!
She's not going back
to her own room.
Then she'll have to stay
where she is.
What? And scandalize my household!
We could be man and wife
for all anyone knows.
Oh, could you?
Well, you'd better not be.
You'd better get rid of her,
and quick.
Man and wife!
You watch out for that ***.
She's no good. And she's been sick
since she came here.
It wouldn't be dandruff, would it?
Ready?
I am an animal trainer
A circus entertainer
I train animals by the score
Lions, tigers and wild boar
I've made and lost a fortune
In my wild career
Some say the cause was women
Some say it was beer
Then I went through bankruptcy
And lost my whole menagerie
But I did not despair
I got a bright idea
While searching
through my underwear
A thought occurred to me
I'm tired of training elephants
So why not train a flea
Why should I hunt for animals
And through the jungle roam
When there's local talent
to be found right here at home
I found one but I won't say where
And educated him with care
And taught him
all the facts of life
And then he found himself a wife
I give them board and lodging free
And every night they dine off me
They don't eat caviar or cake
But they enjoy a good rump steak
Off my anatomy
Off my anatomy
It is an odd sensation
When after meals they take a stroll
Around the old plantation
Now I'm as happy as can be
I've taught them lots of tricks
you see
And now they're both supporting me
They're both supporting me
So walk up, walk up
I've the greatest show on earth
Walk up, walk up
And get your money's worth
See Phyllis and Henry
Those educated fleas
Cavorting and sporting
On the flying trapeze
So any time you itch
Don't scratch or make a fuss
You never can tell you might destroy
Some budding genius
Phyllis! Henry! Stop that!
What do you think you're doing?
You ought to be ashamed
of yourselves, fighting like that!
Alright. Phyllis, stay in the box!
Henry!
You should have done that
before I opened the box.
Do you hear? Come on!
Do you want me to squeeze?
Stop that now!
Come up from there!
Phyllis, you hear?
Remember you're on a diet.
Phyllis, have you gone mad?
Stop that, do you hear? Stop it!
Phyllis, do you hear?
Come up at once! You go too far!
Phyllis, what are you doing?
Crazy little creature!
Phyllis, Henry wants you.
Come, Phyllis.
Phyllis, stop that.
Phyllis, come out here!
Come out!
Where do you think you're going?
You nitwit!
Phyllis! Stop that now!
Do you want me to scratch?
That's not Phyllis.
Where's Phyllis?
Oh, there she is!
Are you awake?
Your husband said to look in on you.
- Who?
- Your husband.
He said to warm up
some chicken soup for you.
Husband?
Let me help you. Come on.
You haven't eaten a thing all day.
A nice warm soup will do you good.
Thank you, no.
Your wife won't eat.
Well, that's a blessing
to a poor married man.
How do you feel?
Much better, thank you.
Good.
Pay no attention
to this wife business.
It's a front of respectability
for the new housemaid.
However, as soon as you get well
you'll be free and divorced.
I think I'm well enough now.
Not quite. I think
you'd better stay another day or so.
You're very kind.
I think I'm able to get back
to my room now.
I'm afraid that isn't possible.
Why?
Mrs. Alsop's rented it.
The people are moving in today.
Oh, I see.
However you're welcome to stay here
until you know what you want to do.
What can I do? I'm helpless.
Why didn't you let me die
and get it over with!
That's no way to talk. You're alive
and you better make the most of it.
I'm destitute. Ill.
Listen...
I don't know what's wrong with you,
but if you're ill,
and if it's what Mrs. Alsop thinks,
you should do something about it.
It isn't hopeless.
If it's, uh...
You know what I'm talking about.
I don't think I do.
Well, let me put it this way.
A young girl, alone,
thrown into the world, gets ill.
If it's anything like that,
you can be cured.
There's a new drug performing
miracles, curing thousands.
If it's anything of that nature
don't be afraid to tell,
maybe I can help.
I'm an old sinner,
nothing shocks me.
It's nothing like that.
Are you sure?
Positive.
But you have been ill?
Yes. I was five months
in the hospital with rheumatic fever.
Is that all?
Then what are you complaining about?
It's ruined my health.
I can't work.
What do you work at?
I was a dancer.
A dancer!
A member of the Empire ballet.
And I thought you were a...
So, you're a ballet dancer.
Pardon me, we haven't met formally.
What is your name?
Thereza Ambrose.
But I'm called Terry.
Charming. How do you do.
I'm also in the business.
My name is Calvero.
Perhaps you've heard of me.
You're not the great comedian?
I was.
However, we won't go into that.
Whatever brought you
to this state of affairs?
Ill health, mostly.
Then we'll have to get you well.
It isn't the ideal spot
for convalescing,
but you're welcome to it,
if you can put up with being
Mrs. Calvero. In name only!
It won't inconvenience you?
Not at all.
I've had five wives already.
One more or less
makes no difference.
Moreover, I've arrived at the age
where platonic friendship can be
sustained on the highest moral plane.
Now let me see, your mother was
a dressmaker and your father a lord?
The fourth son of a lord.
That's quite different.
How is it he married your mother?
She was
one of the family housemaids.
Sounds like a novelette.
- Did he have any money?
- No, the family cut him off.
So your sister's
the only one living?
Yes, and she's in South America.
Tell me, was it just ill health
that made you do what you did?
- That, and...
- And what?
The utter futility of everything.
I see it even in flowers,
hear it in music.
All life aimless,
without meaning.
What do you want a meaning for?
Life is a desire, not a meaning.
Desire is the theme of all life!
It makes a rose want to be a rose,
and want to grow like that.
And a rock want to contain itself
and remain like that.
What are you smiling about?
Your imitation
of a rose and a rock.
I can imitate anything.
Ever seen a Japanese tree?
They're lopsided, they grow this way.
Of course pansies grow this way.
The dark ones frown and go like that.
However, the meaning of anything
is merely other words
for the same thing.
After all, a rose is a rose.
Not bad, should be quoted.
Think how meaningless
life was a moment ago.
Now you have
a temporary husband and a home.
Here's your drinking water,
and in case of any emergencies,
the first door on the left,
the same on each floor.
Good night.
Spring is here!
Birds are calling
Skunks are crawling
Wagging their tails for love
Spring is here!
Whales are churning
Worms are squirming
Wagging their tails for love
What is this thing
Of which I sing
That makes us all bewitched?
What is this thing
That comes in Spring
That gives us all the itch?
Oh, it's love
It's love,
It's love love love love
Pardon me,
but have you a fly swatter?
I beg your pardon.
If you beg around here,
I'll call the police.
I repeat, I beg your pardon.
I don't care what you've eaten.
I've eaten nothing.
Poor dear.
Here, get a sandwich.
- Sir, I demand an apology!
- I don't know you.
Who are your people?
Are you in the social register?
- My name happens to be Smith.
- Never heard of them.
That shows you're asinine.
I should have worn my overcoat.
You've interrupted me
in the middle of my sonnet.
In the middle of your what?
Not in the middle of my what,
the middle of my sonnet.
My ode to a worm.
Oh worm, why do you turn
into the earth from me?
'Tis Spring! Oh worm!
Lift up your head
whichever end that be
and smile at the sun
untwine your naked form
and with your tail, fling!
High the dirt in ecstasy!
'Tis Spring! 'Tis Spring!
'Tis Spring!
Ridiculous!
A worm smiling at the sun!
- Why not?
- A worm can't smile.
Did you ever appeal
to its sense of humor?
- Of course not.
- Well then!
But it doesn't make sense.
Why should poetry
have to make sense?
Don't you know there's such a thing
as poetic license?
I've given you no license.
Oh no, don't!
This thing is so much bigger
than ourselves!
At this moment
I'm grasping the meaning of life.
What a waste of energy.
What is this urge
that makes life go on and on?
You're right.
What does it all mean?
Where are we going?
You're going south.
Your hand's in my pocket.
Naughty.
- How did it get there?
- Pure magnetism, old dear.
Why are you antagonistic
towards me?
Must we be serious?
You make it difficult to know you.
Read my memoirs
in the Police Gazette.
- You're a funny man.
- Why?
To talk about worms
the way you do.
Why not? Even flies are romantic.
- Flies?
- Oh yes.
Coming from the stable
to the table,
chasing each other over the sugar
and meeting in the butter.
- You've read "The Life of the Bee"?
- No, I haven't.
The bee's behavior in the beehive
is unbelievable.
Really?
- Gezundheit!
- It certainly does.
- I beg your pardon?
- The dress. It goes on tight.
You're awful dusty tonight, my dear.
Turn around.
Where do they keep you?
On the top shelf or something?
Fuller's earth? Johnson's powder?
I know! Cornstarch.
Just think!
All life motivated by love.
How beautiful.
- By no means beautiful.
- It certainly is.
No, it's vile, wicked, awful!
But wonderful.
- I like you.
- Really?
You're sensitive. You feel things.
Don't encourage me.
It's true. So few people
have the capacity to feel.
Or the opportunity.
Allow me.
Use it only for what you wish.
Come in.
Good morning. How do you feel?
- Better, thank you.
- Good.
What a day!
The sun's shining, the kettle's
singing, and we've paid the rent.
There'll be an earthquake,
I know it.
What would you like for breakfast?
We have eggs, bacon,
cheese, spring onions...
That's broken my dream!
I dreamt we did an act together,
all about Spring.
Interesting.
I get lots of ideas in my dreams,
then I wake up and forget them.
You know, I've been dreaming a lot
about the theater lately.
Doing my old acts all over again.
Kippers. Aren't they superb!
What's wrong?
It's my legs! I tried to get up
this morning and I collapsed.
I can't even stand.
You got up too soon.
No, it's not that.
I have no feeling in them.
They're paralyzed. I know it!
Don't upset yourself.
After breakfast we'll call the doctor.
I'd better go to a hospital.
You know best,
but see what the doctor says first.
I can't stay here,
causing you all this trouble.
I'm not complaining.
You should, I'm such a bore.
But it's not my fault.
You would save my life.
Well, we all make mistakes!
I'm sorry.
You should be. A young girl like you
wanting to throw your life away.
When you're my age,
you'll want to hang on to it.
Why?
Well, at this stage of the game
life gets to be a habit.
A hopeless one.
Then live without hope.
Live for the moment.
There are still, there are still...
There are still wonderful moments.
But if you've lost your health!
My dear, I was given up for dead
six months ago, but I fought back.
That's what you must do.
I'm tired of fighting.
Because you're fighting yourself.
You won't give yourself a chance.
But the fight for happiness
is beautiful.
Happiness...
- There is such a thing.
- Where?
Listen, as a child I used to complain
to my father about not having toys
and he would say this
is the greatest toy ever created.
Here lies
the secret of all happiness.
To hear you talk, no one would
ever think you were a comedian.
I'm beginning to realize that.
It's the reason I can't get a job.
Why?
Because they have no imagination.
Or think because I'm getting
on in years I'm old, all washed up.
Never! After hearing you talk.
Perhaps I drank too much.
There's usually a reason
for drinking.
Unhappiness, I suppose.
No, I'm used to that.
It was more complicated.
As a man gets on in years
he wants to live deeply.
A feeling of sad dignity comes upon
him, and that's fatal for a comic.
It affected my work.
I lost contact with the audience,
couldn't warm up to them.
And that's what started me drinking.
I had to have it before I went on.
It got so I couldn't be funny
without it. The more I drank...
It became a vicious circle.
What happened?
A heart attack. I almost died.
And you're still drinking?
Occasionally, if I think of things.
The wrong things I suppose,
as you do.
What would you like
for your breakfast?
What a sad business, being funny.
Very sad if they won't laugh.
But it's a thrill when they do.
To look out there
and see them all laughing,
to hear that roar go up,
waves of laughter coming at you.
Let's talk of something
more cheerful.
Besides I want to forget the public.
Never. You love them too much.
Maybe I love them,
but I don't admire them.
I think you do.
As individuals, yes.
There's greatness in everyone.
But as a crowd, they're like
a monster without a head
that never knows which way
it's going to turn.
It can be prodded in any direction.
I keep forgetting about breakfast.
How about some poached eggs?
Come in.
- A telegram.
- Oh, thank you.
Are you all right?
This is what I've been waiting for.
Good news?
Redfern, my agent, wants to see me.
Wonderful!
You're right.
This is the turning point.
Those managers have been holding
out on me, breaking my morale.
But now they want me!
And now I'll make them pay!
For their contempt and indifference.
No, I'll be gracious.
That'll be more dignified,
put them in their place.
I'm to be at Redfern's office
at three.
I'll call the doctor
and tell him about your legs.
But I forgot your breakfast!
How about some nice kippers?
Nothing for you, or you, or you...
Nothing for you.
- Anyone waiting?
- Miss Parker.
Anyone else?
Yes, Calvero.
He's been here since three.
I forgot all about him.
Show him in.
Good afternoon, Calvero.
Sit down.
Sorry about yesterday. I was held up
over some important business.
However, I've good news for you.
I can get you a week
at Middlesex Music Hall.
At what terms?
I don't know yet,
but I wouldn't bother about that.
No bother at all.
However, if money's no object,
- what billing am I to get?
- I wouldn't bother about that either.
I'm not to get star billing
at Middlesex?
I'm not sure
we can book you there.
You think I'd allow those managers
to throw in my name
with a lot of nondescripts
just to build up their reputation!
Calvero's still a name
to conjure with!
You're mistaken.
Today it means nothing.
Then why do they want me?
They don't want you.
They're doing me a favor.
Very kind of them.
I hope you appreciate the fact.
I'm going to be perfectly frank
with you.
I've been talking Calvero
to them for over six months.
Your name is poison.
They don't want to touch you.
They couldn't if they tried.
I'm sorry, but you must
be made to realize the facts.
You're succeeding splendidly.
I'm trying to help, that's all.
But you must cooperate.
Whatever you say, I'll do.
That's the spirit.
As soon as the contract's confirmed,
I'll let you know.
However, cheer up.
If my name is poison to them,
I won't use it.
- I'll go by another name.
- I think that's a splendid idea.
Well doctor, how is our patient?
The condition is cleared up, but
I find nothing wrong with her legs.
Didn't she tell you
she's had rheumatic fever?
Yes, but I don't think she has.
The heart would have been affected
and it's perfectly sound.
I believe it's a case
of psycho-anesthesia.
What's that?
A form of hysteria that has
the characteristics of paralysis
without being so.
How do you account for it?
In her case, I'd say
it's psychological, self-imposed.
Having failed at suicide,
she's decided to become a cripple.
Is there any way I can help?
Primarily she must help herself.
It's a case for a psychologist.
Doctor Freud.
Well, I'll see what I can do.
- Good day, Doctor.
- Good day.
Tell me more
about your sister Louise.
There's nothing more to tell.
When she couldn't find work
she was driven to the street.
How old were you
when you discovered this?
About eight.
Tell me about it.
It was after my mother died.
I loved Louise.
She was everything to me,
supported me, had me taught dancing.
Then one day I realized
what she was doing.
I was coming home from dancing
with the other girls
and I saw her, and the other girls
saw her, walking the street.
What did you do?
I just ran and wept.
Ran and wept.
Then what happened?
I tried to forget.
I was sent to boarding school. At 16,
I left and joined the Empire Ballet.
Louise went to South America.
I haven't heard from her since.
Up to that time,
you had no trouble with your legs?
No.
When did it start?
About two years later.
After Melise joined the ballet.
Who's Melise?
One of the girls
from the dancing school.
One who was with you
when you found out about Louise?
Mr. Freud would say
that since meeting this girl again,
you don't want to dance.
Why?
You've associated it
with the unhappy life of your sister
who paid for your lessons
through a life of shame.
You've been ashamed to dance
ever since.
I'd despise myself
if I thought that.
That's the trouble, you do.
That's the trouble with the world.
We all despise ourselves.
Streetwalking!
We're all grubbing for a living,
the best of us.
All a part of the human crusade,
written in water.
But enough of that.
Ever been in love?
No, not really.
I think it was more
a feeling of pity.
The plot thickens.
Tell me about it.
It's a ridiculous story.
I hardly knew the man.
It was something I built up
in my own mind.
It was after I came out
of the hospital.
I took a job
at Sardou's stationary shop.
He was one of the customers,
a young American.
He used to buy music paper
in large and small amounts,
according to his finances.
He seemed so lonely,
so helpless and shy.
There was something pathetic
about him.
I wouldn't have noticed him,
but someone tried to elbow in.
When I ignored the other man,
he smiled in gratitude.
The old charwoman who worked where
he lived told me he was Mr. Neville,
a composer,
and that he occupied the top room.
There were days I knew he went
without food to buy music paper.
I could see it in his eyes.
The haggard look.
Sometimes I'd throw in
a few extra sheets.
Once I gave him more
than his proper change,
which he might have noticed,
but I wasn't sure.
Often after work I'd stroll by his
house and hear him playing piano,
repeating musical passages
over and over again.
And I'd stand listening,
excited and melancholy.
Well, what then?
Then for weeks I never saw him.
The charwoman told me he was ill.
Creditors had taken his piano.
Eventually he came into the shop
looking very pale
and asked for two shillings worth
of large orchestral sheets,
placing a two shilling piece
on the counter.
I knew it was his last.
If I could only help him!
If I only dared!
I could lend him money.
I wanted to tell him so.
But I was also shy.
Nevertheless
I was determined to help.
I gave him some extra sheets
and as he was about leave
I called him back:
You've forgotten your change.
There must be a mistake, he said.
Not at all, I answered.
You gave me half a crown,
here's sixpence change.
Then I realized I had created
a ridiculous situation.
To make matters worse
in came Mr. Sardou:
Can I be of any assistance?
It isn't necessary, I said quickly.
The gentleman gave me half a crown
and forgot his change.
However,
Mr. Sardou made him take it.
But as soon as he left
Mr. Sardou went through the till
and finding no half crown there,
became suspicious.
The discrepancy was discovered
and I was discharged.
What did you do then?
I tried to get back to dancing,
then I collapsed with rheumatic fever.
Did you ever see
this young composer again?
Yes, five months later.
After I came out of the hospital.
I saw him from the gallery
of the Albert Hall.
His symphony was played there.
It was a great success.
Of course you're in love with him.
I don't even know him.
You will.
Life is a local affair.
I can see it happening.
You'll be at the height
of your success and he'll call on you,
and tell you he met you
at some super party.
Won't I recognize him?
Oh no. He's grown a beard.
Musicians do.
He'll tell you
he's composed a ballet for you.
And you'll realize who he is,
you'll tell him who you are
and how you met,
and how you waited on him.
And gave him extra music sheets.
And that night you'll dine together
on a balcony
overlooking the Thames.
It'll be summer.
And you'll be wearing
pink mousseline.
And he'll be conscious
of its fragrance.
And all London
will be dreamy and beautiful.
And in the elegant melancholy
of twilight,
as the candles flutter
and make your eyes dance,
he will tell you he loves you.
And you will tell him
you have always loved him.
Where am I?
Yes, life can be wonderful
if you're not afraid of it.
All it needs is courage, imagination
and a little dough.
Now what's the matter?
I'll never dance again!
I'm a cripple.
- Pure hysteria! It's in your mind.
- It isn't true.
- Otherwise you'd fight!
- What is there to fight for?
Ah, you see? You admit it.
What is there to fight for?
Everything!
Life itself! Isn't that enough?
To be lived, suffered, enjoyed!
What is there to fight for?
Life is a beautiful,
magnificent thing.
Even to a jellyfish.
What is there to fight for?
You have your art, your dancing!
But I can't dance without legs!
I know a man without arms
who can play a scherzo on a violin
and does it all with his toes.
The trouble is you won't fight.
You've given in.
Continually dwelling
on sickness and death!
But,
there's something
just as inevitable as death
and that's life.
Life, life, life!
Think of the power
that's in the universe!
Moving the earth, growing the trees!
And that's the same power
within you.
If you'd only have courage
and the will to use it.
Good night!
Faster, faster.
Come on, dance!
Beautiful.
I fooled you that time.
Come on.
Take that away.
Come on!
What's the news?
Europe in a race for armaments.
Anything interesting?
A write-up about Mr. and
Mrs. Zanzig, the mind readers.
I played with them years ago.
They say they can transfer thoughts
to each other.
Nonsense!
Then how is it done?
Not transference. I was with him once
when he sent his wife a telegram.
More coffee?
Just a half cup.
I'm sorry, I didn't intend...
Oh no, it's good exercise.
Look at you,
hopping around like a two year-old.
I think there's an improvement.
Definitely.
- But I get so nervous doing nothing.
- Nothing?
I welcome every new hole
in your socks.
Housework and cooking,
what more do you want?
Keep fighting, that's all.
That reminds me,
Mrs. Alsop's on the warpath again.
She wants to know how long
I'm going to stay.
Tell her to mind her own business!
We pay our rent.
Oh no, there's a month owing.
Since they postponed the Middlesex
opening, it's upset everything.
Don't worry.
I can handle the old girl.
All she needs
is a little pinch and a pat.
Don't you think
I should go to a hospital?
I do not.
You'd have one problem
off your hands.
After the Middlesex,
our problems are over.
You know, preaching and moralizing
to you has really affected me.
I'm beginning to believe it myself.
I haven't taken a drink
since I've known you.
Wonderful.
And I'm not going to,
even on opening night.
You don't need it.
You're excruciatingly funny
without it.
Oh, yes.
- What's that?
- Maybe a letter from Redfern.
Just the man I want to see!
How thrilling!
This is no joke. When are you
getting rid of that girl upstairs?
- Don't be jealous.
- Jealous!
What have you done to your hair?
Where are your spit curls?
Never mind all that!
You owe me four weeks' rent.
- Have I denied the fact?
- You'd better not.
Sybil, you really want to hurt me,
don't you? You little minx.
Behave yourself!
I get so full of nonsense
when I'm around you.
You fool!
What about that girl upstairs?
Now, now. Be patient.
You'd better
get rid of her this week.
Bear with me. I know
it's been a trial for both of us.
Both of us!
Who are you kidding?
You!
You wonderful
little plum pudding, you!
But we must behave ourselves.
That takes care of the rent.
- Was there any post?
- No. That was for Mrs. Alsop.
Oh for the life of a sardine
That is the life for me
Cavorting and spawning
every morning
Under the deep blue sea
To have no fear of a fisherman's net
Oh what fun to be gay and all wet
Oh for the life of a sardine
That is the life for me
Funny thing,
I dreamt I was a sardine.
I dreamt it was lunchtime,
and I was, uh...
swimming along,
looking for a little bit of bait
and I found myself passing
a large bed of kelp.
And there on it, I mean in it,
was the prettiest little fin
you've ever seen.
That's what we call them
in the fish world: fins.
The way she maneuvered her tail,
with such finesse.
She seemed to be in trouble.
All right old boy,
let's all go home.
Yeah, you're right. Good night.
I beg your pardon.
Blasted! These shoes are too tight.
Good night.
What are you doing up so late?
I just couldn't sleep.
Then I saw the partition doors open,
so I got up an hour ago.
Some hot soup?
No, thanks.
You look tired.
Do I?
I know you're worried,
but the Middlesex contract's signed,
it's just the delay.
There's no delay.
What do you mean?
It happened tonight.
The Middlesex?
Why didn't you let me know?
I didn't want you to go through
the suspense of it.
Then forget everything now,
and get a good night's rest.
They walked out on me.
They haven't done that
since I was a beginner.
The cycle's complete.
But you've changed your name!
They didn't know you.
No, I wasn't funny.
The trouble is, I was sober.
I should have been drunk
before going on.
I still insist
they didn't know you.
Just as well they didn't.
Naturally! You can't expect too much
the first performance.
You haven't worked in a long time.
But you'll see, tonight
when you go back it'll be different.
I'm not going back.
Why?
They've terminated the contract.
But they can't do that!
They can. They have.
You were engaged for the week!
You can insist.
It's no use. I'm finished.
Through!
Nonsense.
Are you, Calvero, going to allow
one performance to destroy you?
Of course not!
You're too great an artist.
Now's the time to show them
what you're made of. Time to fight!
Remember what you told me,
standing there by that window?
Remember what you said?
About the power of the universe
moving the earth?
Growing the trees,
and that power being within you?
Now is the time to use that power,
and to fight!
Calvero, look! I'm walking!
I'm walking!
I'm walking!
Just think, I can walk!
Well, I can't any further.
I have to quit right here.
Do you realize
it's almost five o'clock?
I know. But I couldn't stay
in that room another minute.
I don't blame you.
Cheer up.
Look, the dawn is breaking.
That's a good omen.
I know it. It will be.
It must be.
Don't be discouraged.
You'll get on your feet again.
On my what again?
But think how fortunate we are!
At least we both have our health.
Now I can get a job. There's always
chorus work to keep us going.
Us?
Yes.
Us.
You and me. Together.
- Mr. Bodalink!
- What is it?
- The front office, sir.
- Thank you.
Terry, I was about to leave you
a note about Calvero.
Have him see me tomorrow morning
before your audition.
- He's all set for the part.
- Wonderful!
Just a minute.
Why, Terry!
I didn't hear you come in.
How could you?
Allow me. My friends,
Mademoiselle Thereza.
How do you do.
We're just having a little beer,
Bach and Beethoven.
Isn't it rather late for music?
Not if we play a nocturne.
Proceed with the butchery,
only make it soft,
sentimental, largo.
- I'll stick to beer if you don't mind.
- Coming up!
But what will Mrs. Alsop say?
A fine thing! After climbing up
three flights of stairs,
I've just discovered I've got nothing
but a lot of empty beer bottles.
Why, Terry, is the show out?
I didn't realize it was that late.
It's very late.
That's our cue, we'd better go.
You're not going!
We were just about to celebrate.
- But it's almost one o'clock.
- So what?
Wait a minute!
Calvero gave me three horses
and I doubled up on them!
Now that only happens
once in a lifetime.
Wait a minute. Those stairs
are steep. I'll lead the way.
That's all right, I can handle myself.
Don't you worry about me.
Good night.
I'm sorry, my dear. I'm drunk.
It's your health I'm worried about.
You know what the doctor said.
Yes, I shouldn't drink.
It's bad for the heart.
What about the mind?
I suppose that should be clear and
alert so I can contemplate the future.
The prospects of joining
those gray-haired nymphs
that sleep
on the Thames embankment at night.
You'll never join them
while I'm alive.
Oh, I forgot to get your supper!
I'm no good.
I'll get it later on.
First I'm going to put you to bed.
But you've had nothing to eat.
Did you take your medicine?
What medicine?
You didn't.
It's to give you an appetite.
I've quenched my appetite.
You'll be ill again,
if you don't eat.
Well, I much prefer to drink.
A man's true character comes out
when he's drunk.
Me, I'm funnier.
Too bad I didn't drink
at the Middlesex.
I've got good news for you.
Mr. Bodalink wants to see you
tomorrow morning.
Who's he?
Our dance director. He wants you
to play a clown in the new ballet.
I'm through clowning.
Life isn't a gag anymore.
I can't see the joke.
From now on, I'm a retired humorist.
You'll feel differently
in the morning.
No, I hate the theatre!
Someday I'll buy
an acre of ground somewhere
and raise a few cut flowers,
and make a living that way.
What do you think?
It's all settled. I play the clown.
Let's sit down over here
and you can tell me all about it.
Of course, the salary isn't much.
Two pounds?
But it's a foot in the door.
Naturally I'm not using my own name.
This Bodalink's a nice chap.
Says you're quite a dancer.
If you'd have come to the theatre,
you might have known it.
Why didn't you tell me
you were auditioning?
I wanted to surprise you.
I'm not sure of the outcome.
It depends on Mr. Postant.
Postant!
I thought he'd retired years ago.
Why, do you know him?
Last time I worked for Postant,
I was the headline here.
Footlights!
Your hands are quite cold.
I think I've got the girl. Young,
sympathetic, a brilliant dancer.
Bring her on!
Thereza, please!
You understand
it's purely improvising.
That's how I always judge a dancer.
This is Thereza, Mr. Postant.
- How do you do.
- How do you do.
You'll be dancing to Mr. Neville's
music. Listen to it first.
This is Mr. Neville, our composer.
- How do you do.
- How do you do.
I believe we've met before.
Really?
It's 12:30, we'd better call lunch.
Lunch everybody! Back at 1:30.
Allow me to congratulate
the next prima ballerina.
You're sopping wet, my dear.
Get your coat.
Put in on and then
we'll talk business.
Allow me.
- May I also congratulate you?
- Thank you.
Come dear. We'll meet at my office
at 2:30 and fix up her contract.
But we're rehearsing at 2.
Make it 6, after rehearsal.
Run up to your dressing room
before you get a chill.
- Where's Neville?
- Coming!
All right Frank,
turn off those lights.
Here I am.
I was looking for you outside.
What are you doing
sitting in the dark?
I'd be ridiculous in the light.
Look at me, I'm shameless.
But I can't help it.
My dear, you are a true artist.
True artist.
This is absurd. Ridiculous.
I've waited for this moment.
I love you.
I've wanted to say it for so long.
Ever since the day you thought
I was a woman of the street.
You took me in,
cared for me,
saved my life,
inspired it.
But above all that,
I just love you.
Please, Calvero, marry me.
- What nonsense is this?
- It isn't nonsense.
My dear, I'm an old man.
I don't care what you are.
I love you.
That's all that matters.
Latest news, express!
While you're having lunch,
I'm going to see about my wig.
Then I'll go with you.
You'd better have lunch first.
I might be delayed.
I'll see you back at the theatre.
Have a good lunch.
Oh, hello there.
I'm the man at the piano
who played a moment ago.
It's quite crowded.
Always is at lunch time.
Two?
Very well.
Your order, please.
Bacon and eggs, toast and tea.
The same.
That's always safe.
Beautiful day to be rehearsing.
Although the papers
are predicting more rain.
Really?
What's the joke?
I finally have the chance to talk
to you and I've nothing to say.
What is more eloquent than silence?
- I'd better change tables.
- I won't bite.
I'm not too sure. I was
severely frostbitten a moment ago.
What do you mean?
This morning.
When we were introduced.
I don't understand.
My reception was rather cool,
I thought.
I still don't understand.
I'm sorry.
I seem to be getting
a little involved.
You see, I had an idea
that we'd met before.
Well, perhaps we have.
If we haven't,
then you have a twin sister.
Who is she?
Do you really want to know?
Yes.
A young girl
who used to work at Sardou's,
a stationary shop
where I bought music paper.
A very shy, reticent girl.
She seldom spoke.
But her smile was warm
and appealing.
I read many things into it.
I also was shy.
It was a bond between us.
She used to give me
extra music sheets,
and occasionally extra change.
Which, frankly, I accepted.
Hunger has no conscience.
The day after my symphony
played the Albert Hall,
I went back to the shop,
but she'd gone.
They said she'd left months ago.
You haven't seen her since?
Well, have I?
Yes, you have.
I know.
I lost my job giving you
those extra music sheets.
- You won't hold that against me?
- Of course not.
I was very young then.
You're very young now.
I don't know.
Soon I shall be an old married lady.
Then I wish you lots of happiness.
Thank you.
I wish that waitress would hurry.
Before we do the choreography,
I'll explain the story.
It's about Harlequinade.
Terry is Columbine.
She is dying in a London garret.
Harlequin, who is the lover,
and the clowns, are at her bedside.
She asks to be carried
to the window.
She wants to look upon the rooftops
one last time.
The clowns weep. She smiles.
Their clothes are not for sorrow
but for laughter.
She wants them to perform,
do their tricks.
The clowns can do their comedy.
- While she's dying?
- Yes.
Let me see, where am I?
As the clowns perform,
she becomes delirious.
Spirits of Columbines
dance before her.
Then she dies.
That's the first scene.
Next is the graveyard
where Columbine was buried.
Harlequin, her lover,
enters in the moonlight.
He tries to resurrect her
from the grave.
But he fails.
The spirits tell him not to grieve.
His love is not in the grave,
but everywhere.
Then Terry appears.
That's your solo, then the finale.
We'd better get a move on.
It's only 3 weeks to the opening.
Calvero!
What is it?
- How's it going?
- Wonderful. Thumbs up.
- I wish the dance was over.
- You've nothing to worry about.
I'm scared. Pray for me.
God helps those
who help themselves. Good luck.
- I can't go on!
- What?
My legs! I can't move!
It's nerves. Just move.
No, I can't move. I'm paralyzed!
Pure hysteria!
There's your cue, get on stage!
No, I'm falling!
It's my legs, they're paralyzed!
Get on that stage!
See? There's nothing wrong
with your legs.
Whoever you are, whatever it is,
just keep her going, that's all.
I've lost a button.
One of these.
It's all right.
Where's Calvero?
He told me to wait for him here.
I'll send the call boy
to look for him.
Supper is served.
You're sitting next to Mr. Postant.
Supper is now being served
in both lounges.
Come along, my dear.
You're next to me.
Bodalink, you're down there
my dear fellow.
Destiny must be a headwaitress.
Why?
She seats us together again.
She might be your nemesis.
I think I'll stand up
under the punishment.
However, my congratulations.
Tonight you were wonderful.
That's what they call
the old army game.
Neville, they tell me
the army's caught up with you.
You've joined the army?
On the contrary, the army joined me.
I was drafted.
That's awful!
I agree.
It's carrying the war too far.
However, there's the possibility
of joining up here.
Would you like to dance?
I appeal to your patriotism.
You can't refuse a soldier.
Governor, I remember
when you played Widow Twankey
at the Theatre Royal,
Birmingham, in 1890...
Go easy there laddie, go easy.
Let's have a drink.
Calvero, old boy,
how's the world treating you?
Rather aggressively at the moment.
You don't know me.
The fact is most gratifying.
Is that supposed to be funny?
My man, you will never know.
Have a little drink.
Only have it
at the other end of the bar.
Pardon me, Miss Thereza is waiting
for you in the dress circle.
What is it?
Miss Thereza is waiting for you
in the dress circle.
Will you kindly tell her not to worry,
I've gone home to bed.
Very well, sir.
What's happened to Calvero?
He left word that he was tired
and had gone home to rest.
I must go at once. Say good night
to Mr. Postant for me.
I'll get you a cab.
I'll walk home.
He must be asleep, poor dear.
Too much excitement for him.
I'm beginning
to feel the strain myself.
Then I'll be going.
Shall we see you
before you leave for camp?
I leave this morning.
Good bye, Terry.
No, don't!
Say you love me, just a little.
Please!
I've tried to fight it, but I can't.
Please, it's useless.
You're as helpless as I am.
We love each other.
I never said I loved you.
Every look, gesture says it!
No, don't say that!
I know how devoted
you are to Calvero,
but marrying him isn't right.
It isn't fair to you.
You're young, just beginning life.
This devotion is idealistic.
Your youth!
But it isn't love.
No, you're wrong.
I really love him.
You pity him.
It's more than pity.
It's something I've lived with,
grown to.
It's his soul, his sweetness,
his sadness...
Nothing will ever separate me
from that.
Good night, Terry.
Good bye.
Listen to this one:
"With ease, Thereza pirouetted
and flexed radiant authority.
"She was light,
quicksilver, efflorescing!
"A Diana spinning
wisps of beauty about her."
Very good.
Well, you've done it.
How's it feel to wake up famous?
That's right, have a good cry
and enjoy it. It only happens once.
Let's marry, soon.
If we could only get away.
That house in the country,
where we could have
peace and happiness.
Happiness.
The first time I've ever heard you
mention that word.
- I'm always happy with you.
- Are you?
Of course. I love you.
Wasted on an old man.
Love is never wasted.
Terry, you're like a nun, shutting
everything else out for my sake.
It isn't fair, wasting your youth.
You deserve more than this.
Let me go away.
What's come over you?
I can't help it!
If I only had the strength to leave!
But I stay on, tormenting myself.
The whole thing is false.
In the few years I have left,
I must have truth.
That's all I have left.
Truth.
That's all I want.
And if possible, a little dignity.
If you leave me, I'll kill myself.
I hate life!
The torment, the cruelty of it.
I couldn't go on without you!
Don't you understand, I love you!
- You want to love me.
- But I do, I do!
It's Neville you love.
I don't blame you.
That isn't true.
He's the composer
you knew at Sardou's.
Yes. I didn't tell you
because I thought it...
Inevitable.
I prophesized it, remember?
A balcony overlooking the Thames!
But it isn't true!
In the twilight
he will tell you he loves you.
And you will tell him
you've always loved him.
But I don't love him! I never did.
It was his music, his art.
He meant a world
that had been denied me.
You look so well together.
But I don't love him! I never did.
Please, you must believe me!
You must!
Dancing's excellent,
but the comedy's poor.
We'll have to get rid of that clown.
I've called Blackmore's Agency,
they're sending down another man.
You know who that clown is?
I don't care if it's Calvero himself.
He isn't funny.
- But that's who it is.
- What?
Calvero,
only he's under another name.
Why the devil didn't you tell me?
He didn't want it known.
Poor old Calvero. Well, that's
different, we'd better keep him.
After all,
the comedy isn't too important.
But I didn't see him
at the supper party on opening night.
He didn't show up.
That's why Thereza left so early.
What's he got to do with her?
Believe it or not,
she's going to marry him.
That old reprobate?
Bless my soul,
there's hope for me yet.
It's time for rehearsal.
Wait a minute.
I'll call Blackmore's and cancel
that fellow before he gets down here.
If you finish rehearsing early,
don't wait for me.
I've so many things to do,
but I'll be home by six.
- Calvero?
- Griffin!
I haven't seen you in ages!
Where are you working?
Nowhere. I'm looking for a job.
Blackmore sent me down
to see this new ballet.
The Harlequinade?
I understand the clown's
not very good
and I could get the part.
Wish me luck.
- Good luck, old man.
- Thanks.
Mrs. Alsop!
What is it?
What on earth is the matter?
Calvero, where is he?
Have you seen him?
- What do you mean?
- He's left me!
He's gone!
Would you like to contribute?
Captain,
would you like to contribute?
No, that's all right, put it in.
I've no false pride.
Sit down, have a drink.
Thank you, old man, not during
office hours. But I'll sit down.
May I?
How are you?
Never felt better in my life!
And how is the army treating you?
Not so bad.
I get up to London every other week.
Have you seen Terry?
How is she?
After you left she was quite ill.
But she's all right now?
She's been touring the continent.
Since she got back she's much better.
Good.
She never told me
what happened between you.
What could happen,
but the inevitable?
You see a great deal of her?
Good.
Somehow I knew
it would work out that way.
Time is the great author.
It always writes
the perfect ending.
Great Scott!
How do you do, Mr. Postant?
Just a moment.
You're just the man I want to see.
Would you like to contribute?
Are you with that outfit outside?
I am, sir.
Oh, thank you.
You oughtn't to be doing this!
Why not? All the world's a stage.
And this one is the most legitimate.
I must go, or my confreres will
think I've run off with the takings.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Don't you think
I should tell Terry I've seen you?
Knowing I'm doing this sort of thing
might upset her.
Although I don't mind it.
There's something
about working the streets I like.
It's the *** in me, I suppose.
Wait a minute. Why don't you
come and see me at my office?
- What about?
- Business.
I never discuss business,
I leave that to my agent. Call him up.
However I'm booked up solid,
you know.
Au revoir, Gentlemen.
Driver, stop!
Please, turn around.
Keep the change.
Cyrano de Bergerac,
without the nose.
Let's sit down.
So they told you, huh?
I've been searching
all over London for you.
The same Terry.
Am I?
A little more grown up, that's all.
I don't want to grow up.
None of us do.
But I had to, after you left.
It's all for the best.
All for the best.
Perhaps.
I don't know.
But something's gone.
Gone forever.
Nothing's gone,
it only changes.
I still love you.
Of course you do.
You always will.
Calvero, come back.
You've got to come back!
I can't.
I must go forward.
That's progress.
Then let me go with you.
I'll do everything in the world
to make you happy.
That's what hurts.
I know you will.
Mr. Postant said
he'd give you a benefit.
I don't want his charity.
It isn't charity.
He says it'd be the greatest
event in theatrical history.
I'm not interested in events.
But I would like a chance just
to show them I'm not through yet.
Of course.
I've still got ideas, you know.
I've been working on,
working on... a comedy act,
for myself and my friend.
It's sort of a musical satire.
Wonderful!
You know he's a very good pianist,
and me with the violin...
A lot of very really
really very funny business.
Come in.
Sit down, my dear.
You look tired.
I've been working with the claque,
going over Calvero's jokes.
I gave them cue sheets so
they'll know exactly where to laugh.
Are the jokes as bad as all that?
I'm worried. If he fails tonight,
it'll kill him. I know it.
He won't fail. The audience
will be most sympathetic.
But he doesn't want sympathy.
He keeps saying that.
He wants to be a genuine success.
What does he expect?
You know he's not the man he was.
He mustn't be told that!
Tell me, my dear,
are you still going to marry him?
I'll do anything in the world
to make him happy.
He's a very lucky man.
He's a very, very lucky man.
I never thought we'd come to this.
Here we have the star dressing room
without a dresser.
Oh well, I guess we can put up
with it for one night.
Fred, the stage manager.
Come in, Fred.
Like old times,
seeing you in this room again.
What's on your mind?
You've got 10 minutes, because
there's 20 other acts to follow.
You're in a song first,
finishing up with a musical act.
I'll ring down
after you fall in the drum.
No, after I'm carried off
in the drum.
Right you are. Thank you, sir.
If anybody else says it's like old
times, I'll jump out the window!
First the doorman,
then the call boy,
now the stage manager.
It's me, Postant.
It's like old times seeing you here
again putting on your war paint.
I'll be down
watching the other acts.
Yes, like old times.
Only in those days you were drunk.
I'm supposed to be funnier
when I'm drunk.
Maybe, but you were killing yourself.
You know, anything for a laugh.
How's the house?
Packed. Every face card in Europe
is out there:
kings, queens, jacks...
- Is Neville out there?
- Yes. Came up specially.
And what a program!
Take a look at that. Every star
in the business is appearing.
It'll be something,
following all this talent.
Don't worry. Tonight you'll
make them look like amateurs.
That's all any of us are. Amateurs.
We don't live long enough
to be anything else.
Well, as one old amateur
to another...
- Good luck.
- Thank you, Mr. Postant.
Come in.
How do I look?
Funny.
I know what you're thinking,
my health and all that.
But I had to take a drink.
There's a creamy white light
turning off and on in my stomach.
And that's not so good,
if I'm to be a success tonight.
Is it really worth it?
Not that I care for success,
but I don't want another failure.
Whatever happens, there's always
that little home in the country.
This is my home. Here.
I thought you hated the theatre.
I do. I also hate the sight of blood
but it's in my veins.
Come in.
Mr. Calvero, on stage please!
Good luck, sir.
They're all waiting for you.
Thanks.
I don't like it.
Everyone's so kind to me.
Makes me feel isolated.
Even you make me feel isolated.
Why do you say that?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
- Oh, your change.
- No, no.
Of course!
All right, turn it off up there!
Your change is all ready.
Good luck, my darling.
- Aren't you going to watch?
- I can't.
But remember I love you.
Really?
Always. With all my heart.
Ready, Mr. Calvero?
Good luck, my darling.
Let her go!
I'm an animal trainer
A circus entertainer
I've trained animals by the score
Lions, tigers and wild boar
That's not Phyllis!
Where's Phyllis?
There she is!
When I was three
My nurse told me
About reincarnation
And ever since
I've been convinced
Thrilled with anticipation
That when I leave this earth
It makes my heart feel warm
To know that I'll return
In some other form
But I don't want to be a tree
Sticking in the ground
I'd sooner be a flea
I don't want to be a flower
Waiting by the hour
Hoping for a pollen to alight on me
So when I cease to be
I want to go back
I want to go back to the sea
Oh for the life of a sardine
That is the life for me
Cavorting and spawning
every morning
Under the deep blue sea
To have no fear for storm or gale
Oh to chase the tail of a whale
Oh for the life of a sardine
That is the life for me
You're 3 minutes over!
It's the audience.
Bow and finish.
I've another act to do.
Bow and finish!
What am I to do?
Just finish.
There are 15 other acts to follow.
Look, I've got Postant
on the telephone!
Please, please.
Will you give me a chance?
What's wrong?
Why isn't he doing an encore?
I can't keep the other acts waiting.
They're complaining.
That's your problem.
He does an encore.
Do your encore!
Mmm, you darling!
- Here, take this.
- What is it?
I have a terrific pain
in my back and chest.
Dr. Blake is in the house.
Shall I get him?
Yes, get him at once!
- What's wrong?
- He's hurt his spine.
- Did you send for the doctor?
- Yes.
Then carry him
to his dressing room.
I'll tell the audience
there's been an accident.
No, don't do that!
Carry me on.
I'll talk to them.
You'll ruin the evening.
On behalf of my partner,
and myself...
This is a wonderful evening.
I'd like to continue,
but I'm stuck.
Take off his makeup.
Is there a couch
in his dressing room?
No, but there's one
in the prop room.
Take him in there.
Everyone else must wait outside.
Where's Calvero?
Where is the old scoundrel?
I want to congratulate him.
Where's Calvero?
In the prop room.
He's had an accident.
Here's the doctor now.
I want an ambulance at once.
Is it serious, Doctor?
Very. It isn't his back,
it's a heart attack.
- Is he in pain?
- Not now. I've given him something.
I'm afraid he won't last the night.
What have they been telling you?
Are you all right?
Of course.
I'm an old weed.
The more I'm cut down,
the more I spring up again.
Did you hear them?
I don't mean the claque.
Wonderful!
That's how it used to be.
That's how it's going to be
from now on.
We're going to tour the world.
I've got ideas.
You doing ballet, and me comedy.
And in the elegant melancholy
of twilight,
he will tell you he loves you.
It doesn't matter.
It's you I love.
The heart and the mind...
what an enigma.
Miss Thereza, you're on, please.
I won't be long, my darling.
I believe I'm dying, Doctor.
But then, I don't know.
I've died so many times.
Are you in pain?
No more.
Where is she?
I want to see her dance.
Wait a minute.
Bring the couch into the wings.
I must see about that ambulance.