Jack and Jill - English Transcript

BOTH: And we were born on September 15... 1989. And... And she's the older... Older twin. I'm older by 10 minutes. She's... Ten minutes. Cause she had an umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. And she, like, shoved me in there and wouldn't let me out. I was, like, kicking her in, shoving her more in my mom, so that's why she came out, like, later. Yeah. And... She came out the bigger twin, too. Well, I came out a pound heavier than Kara, so that's why I'm an inch taller now. She's always been, like, a pound heavier. No. So, yeah, it's... You know, I love being twins, man. It's, uh... It's basically like you have a bag of spare parts. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's, like, I need a kidney down the road, I know he's got one, so I'm always like, "Hey, stay healthy, dude. Eat right." When we were kids, we had our own secret language that only me and my brother understood. Ooh. Eee. Ooh. I guess, when we were kids, we thought we were whales. Like, when things are bad, we don't really got to say anything to each other. We just make these sounds. It's like... (BOTH GRUNTING) So, I just graduated from Harvard, and I'm starting a new job at a law firm in Southern California, so I'm really happy about that. And I got a job at ***. I'm happy, too. (CHUCKLING) ***! Being a twin is like being a married couple, and you can't divorce her. Even, like! I mean, I love her when we're together. Well, actually, more so when we're distant. She loves nature, like me. She loves donating her time to charities. And she loves eating healthy, so that's awesome. She's my best friend. My best friend is my boyfriend. (I GOT YOU, BABE PLAYING) ♪ They say we're young and we don't know ♪ We won't find out till we grow ♪ Well, I don't know if all that's true ♪ 'Cause you got me and, baby, I got you ♪ Babe (CRYING) ♪ I got you, babe (FARTS) ♪ I got you, babe (EXTENDED FART) ♪ I got you, babe ♪ And when I'm sad ♪ You're a clown ♪ And if I get scared ♪ You're always around ♪ So let them say your hair's too long ♪ 'Cause I don't care ♪ With you I can't go wrong ♪ Babe ♪ I got you, babe (BALL WHOOSHING) ♪ I got you, babe ♪ Pepto-Bismol, take 43. And action! Please, why do I have to have such diarrhea? You need to drink the pink. Hold it. Cut! Cut! Jack! What is he doing? Jack, are you watching this'? What do you mean, "Cut", man? I... I got to be at Sesame Street by 1:00. Hey, hey, hey, Reeg, do you really have diarrhea? 'Cause you lost weight or something. Why does the stomach have all the good lines'? Uh-huh. "Drink the pink." That's funny. I'm sorry, Jack. The Dunkin' Donut people want to talk to us. Okay, well, I got to Regis, it's going to be fine. Yeah, and you'll take care of that, and, uh... Thank you very much. I didn't need that, but cool. I got some bad news. We may lose Dunkin' Donuts. What do you mean "lose"? They didn't like our pitches? They want Al Pacino. Al Pacino to do a commercial? Mmm-hmm. The Godfather Al Pacino? They got this new coffee drink, the Dunkaccino. Uh-huh. Dunkaccino, Al Pacino, they sound alike. Yes. Well, they think it'll be a home run. Of course it would be a home run if he would ever do it, which he won't. Yeah, well, never say never. Remember, you didn't think we could get Brad Pitt to do that Radio Shack commercial. I was right. Well, you can't be right all the time. Uh-huh. Look, bottom line, they're going to give us one month to make this whole Pacino thing happen, or they're going to go elsewhere. We can't lose Dunkin' Donuts. They're our biggest client. (SIGHS) Damn it. We're going to go bankrupt, buddy. And we have 200 employees relying on us. (GRUNTING) Try to have a good Thanksgiving, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think? Would Al Pacino ever do a Dunkin' Donuts commercial? (LAUGHING) What? Yeah. Shut up. Did my wife call? Uh, yeah. You're all set for the cruise. You guys leave a week after Hanukkah. Okay, all right. There's some good news. Yeah. She converted, right'? That's so cool. She doesn't look Jewish at all. Wow. That was anti-Semitic. What? No, I just... See, I can say that, you can't. You're not Jewish. No, but I'm close. What... What does that mean? I'm an atheist. You're two for two right there. What? No... Anyways, did my sister say what time she's flying in tomorrow? Yeah, I was supposed to pick her up at noon, but she switched the flight to earlier, so now she gets in at 4:00 in the morning. Why? Something about jet lag She never listens. She gains three hours. Every year, she acts like she's flying to New Zealand. She's a freak, man. Yeah, again, you can't say that. No, I... (ALARM BEEPING) (GRUNTS) Honey... Yeah? Try complimenting her. Huh? Yeah. What? To avoid fighting. Just focus on something positive. Tell Jill that she has nice shoes. Nice shoes. That's good. That'll work. I love you, honey. I love you, too. And I love my sister. And I can keep my cool. It's only four days. JACK: I love my sister. I love her shoes. I love my sister. I love her shoes. JILL: Well, I just... I can't find him anywhere. Does he know what terminal it is'? I... Okay, okay, I see him. All right, I'm hanging up. How are we doing? Where were you? I've been waiting forever for you. This place is creeping me out. Why so many bags? Are the Knicks traveling with you'? What is with this? Mom always said, "it's better to have it and not need it" "than to need it and not have it." Oh, yeah, she did say that. I remember that. That was cool. Are you going bald? Huh? No, no, no, no. You're getting fatter, and your hair doesn't realize that it needs to cover more face. Okay. Where'd you put the car? JACK: You really had to bring your bird? JILL: Yeah, she's my best friend. (SQUAWKS) Anyways, Jill, I was thinking... Yeah? The house is going to be very crowded 'cause we got the kids, and all the guests are coming by, and blah, blah, blah. So, there's this new hotel, a Hilton that they just built down... But I want to spend time with Sofie and Gary. Why, do you not want me to stay with you? No, no, no, no. Of course I want you to stay with us. I was just... I was just saying. Okay, I'll stay with you, then. It's too bad, 'cause the hotel was starting to sound fun. (SIGHS) Why are you doing that? Why do you sigh so loud? I just really, really love your shoes. You are so weird. Isn't he weird, Poopsie? POOPSIE: Where were you? (LAUGHS) Poopsie gets it. Yeah. Poopsie really gets it. (STRAINED SQUAWKING) She always did get it. I... It's just... She always loved getting it. And then your dad and I went to the soup kitchen, and they gave us Otto to bring to Thanksgiving dinner this year. Thanks again for having me. It's very nice. Are you going to eat dinner with us tonight'? Yes, he is, honey. And what about tomorrow night'? Tomorrow, Otto's going to go back home... Less. Sorry. Uh, Sofia, show Otto your karate moves. (EXHALES) You know, why don't... Why don't you go wake up Jill? What? It's 5:30. She's here. That's the important thing. It counts as a day. So what? She's sleeping. Jack... All right, I'll go check on Jill. Thank you. (FIERCE GRUNTING) (SCREAMING) It's okay, Otto. It's just her... (WHISPERING) Jill. Wake up. Okay, stay sleeping Jet lag. I have a gun! Oh, my God! (SQUAWKING) (JILL WHIMPERS) You see, I live alone. Poopsie's trained to watch out for me. Don't sneak up like that, all right'? Where were you? (CHUCKLING) I don't... Come downstairs. Uh, the food's ready. Can you just lay down with me for five minutes? I'm not laying down with you. No. Come on. I just want some twin time. I'm a grown man. I'm not laying next to you. Just have Poopsie lay with you. I... I don't know. Aw. All right. I'll take a bath, and I'll meet you downstairs in an hour. (GRUNTS) Good looking out, Poopsie. Don't forget your sweat shadow. What? All right, just take your bath and all that stuff, and then burn those sheets. (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, GUYS Jill! You look amazing. Aw. Macy's, Marshalls. Hey, where am I sitting? What do you mean? 'Cause, usually, I sit next to you. So all of a sudden, I'm... I'm not going to sit here? Oh, uh, would you... I thought you could sit down here. I always sit next to Jack. (STUTTERING) ls there a reason I'm moving? No. Jill, if you'd like, you could sit here. I'd be happy to move. Oh, that's okay. You're fine. If you want to... If you... Do you want to sit here? I don't know. Okay, you just sit in my chair. How's that? There you go. All right, thank you. Gary, is that you? Yes, it is. Look how handsome you are. Thank you. It's so nice to see you. Look at this leaf. Look at this. You have it taped on you? That's so cute. Yes. Why did he do that? He likes tape. Hey. Sofie, is that you, or is that you? (JILL LAUGHING) Good to see you, Erin. Good to see you, Jill. How was your flight? Oh, the house looks amazing. You got a new chandelier? Yeah, yeah. I loved the old one. Oh. JILL: SO, how's every body’s Gobble-Gobble Day'? Great. Excellent. By the way, Jill, this is Otto. Otto. Nice to meet you. (LOUDLY) Nice to meet you. JILL: (WHISPERING) He's homeless, right? He seems clean, but you should put one of those toilet seat protectors underneath him to make sure he doesn't ruin the chair. Are you whispering with a bullhorn or something'? Everybody hears you. No, they can't, Mr. Hearing Expert. JILL: So... Pass that down, Daddy. I'm allowed out here once a year, so I tend to miss things. What's going on? Anything new'? Well, Sofie just got her green belt in karate. How come I didn't know about this? I didn't even know she did karate. What... I mean, I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone right now. I'm like Jimmy Stewart at the end of that movie, the one where... They... They're in Pottersville. What... What is that... That movie called? It's a Wonderful Life? No, no, with Jimmy Stewart. The... The one where he meets the angel and he's mad. It's a Wonderful Life. Why do you keep saying that? No, the one where he falls in the pool and he sings Buffalo Gals. He gets all the money at the end, and he finds out that his life really is wonderful. Star Wars. They play it every Christmas. You must have saw it before Jack made you convert. What? What are you doing right now? Your brother didn't make me do anything, Jill. Everyone has to be like Jack over here. Even poor Gary. JAC K: What? What does that mean? You made him switch from being Indian. What is wrong with you? We adopted him when he was 10 days old. This is all he knows. Did you ever think maybe he tapes things to himself 'cause he doesn't feel connected? You know, to his real parents'? That was very smart. I just thought of that. Isn't it? That was interesting. Aunt Jill? Yes, sweetheart. Yes, Sofie. Do you and Daddy have twin powers? (STUTTERING) What's this? What is twin powers? It's this thing we saw on 60 Minutes. Some twins have strange powers, and they can feel when the other one's hurt. Oh, Jack and I can do that. What? Why are you making a face? When we were kids, you felt it when I broke my ankle. I felt it 'cause you fell on my head. (LAUGHS) You like that one? Yeah. All right, good, good. Oh, please! Tell me you don't feel this. I didn't feel it. Maybe if you did it harder. Little harder. No, Jill. Stop it. He's kidding. What? (GROANING) Donkey fight! Jill, are you okay? Yeah, no, I'm fine. Gary, that was... He didn't 100% connect. Feel that, Daddy? I... I actually did feel something there. Pride in my son. Oh, will you stop it already? These sweet potatoes need salt. I'm so sick of that. Why are you so afraid to admit that we are connected? Face it. We shared Mom's womb. We were womb-mates. Oh, that is just disgusting. ERIN: I have an idea. On the show, there were these twins, and they finished each other's sentences. Jack, maybe you could start a sentence, and Jill, you could finish it. No. No. Come on, Daddy, please! Please, Daddy, please! KIDS: Please. Oh, my God. Ready to receive mental images. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep... All right, will you stop? You're scaring him. That's just noises she's making. JACK: Okay, ready? Yes. I'm very tired, so I'm going to Go to the supermarket. No, I'm going to sleep. What is... Why would I go to a supermarket if I was tired'? That's what I would do. The cold air always wakes you up. Isn't it nice when it's... You go over there in the frozen food section? (SNEEZES) God bless... You! God bless you! I finished your sentence. Got you, Pagogo. What's Pagogo? Oh, it's... It's a name that Aunt Jill used to call your dad when they were growing up. I was Pokee, and your father was Pagogo. We had our own secret language. Ook maga do do, Pagogo. I have no idea what those words mean, nor have I ever known what those words meant. You do know what they mean, and you're lying right now. "Ook maga do do" means "I love you." "Bongi" means "thank you." "Klapa" means "left." Hey, do you remember what "Locky mocky koko" means'? Mmm. What does it mean again? Jack, don't. It means, "I can't stand you being here!" This is really awkward. I'm going to go. (WHIMPERS) Dessert is coming. I'm full. Okay... I love how nice we are to this homeless man, a person we don't even know, who probably is pretending to be homeless! You don't look homeless to me! You're fat! You're al-Qaeda! (DOOR CLOSES) Sofia, why don't you go upstairs? No, Mom, this is my favorite part of Thanksgiving. You know what? I'm leaving. I'm leaving. That's it. That's it. I'm going. I am going! I hope you're happy! I'm sleeping out here in the woods! At least the animals will be nice. (YELLS) (POOPSIE SQUAWKING) Jill! He's even turning the kids against me! Are you okay? Jill, are you all right? No. See, the kids love you. And I love them. And that's the only reason that I come back here every year. Jack, apologize. I'm sorry that you make everybody uncomfortable. I really am. Jack. All right. I'm sorry about what I said back there. I didn't mean it. I... I love you. I just feel abandoned. I'm all alone in the Bronx. I don't have any family with me any more. We didn't abandon you. I told you, you can Skype us any time you want. I don't even know what that means. What is Skype? It sounds anti-Semitic. What is it? It's just this Internet thing. I don't get that! You know I don't have a calculator. (CHUCKLING) Okay. ERIN: Do you know what? Our home is your home. So let's go back. I have some ice cream. I don't know, Erin. I'm too upset. I can't eat right now. What flavor? Chocolate. No. You have maple walnut? I don't like chocolate. ERIN: I... I didn't know you liked maple walnut Hang in there, brother. (STARTLED GRUNT) She's only here till Sunday. AL: What is done cannot now be amended! Yeah, Ted, I'm looking at it right now. So, this was two nights ago? (CELL PHONE RINGING) If I did take the kingdom from your sons, to make amends, I give it to your daughter. (RINGING CONTINUES) (ANGRILY) Will you get that? Whoa. You have a phone in your hand! You are told before the play starts not to have it ring! Shut all cell phones off! This is what the man said! Yeah, this guy's going to do a Dunkin' Donuts commercial. This has got to stop. I'm losing my mind. Help me. Where am I? Thank you. Thank you all for coming. Yeah. How do you know Pacino's going to a Laker game'? Well, yeah, get the tickets, but how am I even going to get near the guy'? He's going to have security or something. I'm not telling my wife to wear something *** just 'cause it would save our company. Unless she wants to. I mean, that's her thing No... I'm hanging up the phone. Goodbye. (SPEAKS SPANISH) Excuse me, Mrs. Erin, the magnolia branch in the backyard could fall off any time. I mean, I don't want anyone to get hurt. Should I take it down now'? Oh, oh, yeah, sure, sure. Whatever... Whatever you think, Felipe. Okay... Oh, did you have a nice Thanksgiving? Yeah, I had the whole family come over. Even my Aunt Rosa snuck across the border. I'm kidding, I'm kidding! (KIDS LAUGHING) Who are you? Are you a gardener or something? No, I... I don't just do gardening. I do impressions, too. When Immigration shows up, I do a great impression of a tree. I'm kidding, I'm kidding! (ALL LAUGHING) Oh, strong. All right. Jay Leno better watch his back. You know it. (CHUCKLING) Nice to meet you, señorita. Okay, nice to meet you. JILL: What is he doing? (CHUCKLES) What is his problem? Oh, oh! Jack, Jack, Jack! I put a little list together of things I want to do before I leave, so... Oh, my God. I got to touch that? Yeah. "Studio tour, beach," "horseback riding, get on a game show." You can't get through all this stuff. You're leaving Sunday. I don't know. What do you mean, you don't know? You know. I just wanted to have fun out here, and, you know, we fought last night. I just... I feel really weird leaving like that. What do you mean? It was a great night. We... We ate food, we ran in the woods. It was fun. I just... Maybe I should stay out through Hanukkah. Mom's gone now, so there's really nothing for me to go back to. Stay, then! Stay! She can't stay. Because of your airline ticket. It's, like, the busiest time of year. We'll never get you a return flight. That's why I used my twin hunch in knowing that we would fight, and I have an open-ended ticket. (LAUGHS) KIDS: (CHANTING) Hanukkah! Hanukkah! Hanukkah! Hanukkah! (BOTH TALKING INDISTINCTLY) He's going to be mad. I don't know where we parked the car. (BOTH LAUGHING) I don't know. JILL: I just want to go on with them because they look scared. I know if I was riding with them, they would... I know you say I weigh too much, but I don't think I do. (NEIGHING) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Okay, I'm ready! Let's go! Oh, my God! Oh, God! Look, I'm so sorry. I weigh too much. You were right! (IMITATING SIREN WAILING) (CHITTERING) Gary... At least put a helmet on that thing. ♪ With your fancy friends ♪ I'm telling you it's got to be the end ♪ Don't bring me down ♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪ Ooh-ooh, hoo... ♪ What are you doing? Why can't I just lay with you? (soss) You're a weirdo! All right, welcome back to The Price Is Right. Let's find out who's next. Jill Sadelstein, come on down! You're the next contestant on The Price is Right. All right, Jill, go ahead and spin the wheel, whenever you're ready. You are the best, Drew. This is awesome, guys! Go ahead and... Are you married or not? (CHUCKLES) Uh, no. Go ahead and... Whoo-whoo! (CROWD CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) Jill, go ahead and spin the wheel. No, because I know once I spin it, I don't get to be near you any more. On. (LAUGHS) All right. All right. Hey, Gary, Sofie. Come on, guys, one dollar! One dollar. Good luck to you. One dollar's the winner! Whoo! (LOUD THUD) (AUDIENCE GASPS) I never saw that before. Uh, hey, just give her a bunch of prizes. We'll be right back right after this. Don't go away. Call an ambulance. (THE PRICE IS RIGHT THEME PLAYING) (KIDS LAUGHING) JILL: It banged me good. Then, when I hit the floor, that's when I really went out. But when I came to, it was good. They had prizes for me. Say hello to my little friend! Do you want to play rough? Okay. (KIDS CHEERING OUTSIDE) (JILL SHOUTING) What is she doing now? (ENGINE REVVING) (KIDS CHEERING) I don't know... Whoa! It's hard to hold on. Please don't destroy my pool. I've got it now. I... (SCREAMS) (KIDS CHEERING) (JILL LAUGHING) JILL: Ow, my head! (LIGHT ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN) MAN ON SCREEN: But it's such a waste. A full moon, an empty yacht. MAN 2: I'll throw up. I'll be. (JACK AND JILL CHOKING) MAN 1: About the roadhouse... They have a Cuban band that's the berries. Let's go there, blindfold the orchestra, and tango till dawn. MAN 2: Do you know something, Mr. Fielding? MAN 1 : What? MAN 2: You're dynamite. (WHISPERS) Daddy. You and Jill are so alike. We are nothing alike, I promise you. (JACK AND JILL LAUGHING) WOMAN ON SCREEN: Well? MAN ON SCREEN: I'm not quite sure. Would you try it again? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (LAUGHING LOUDLY) (LAUGHING FORCEFULLY) (WHISPERS) Just watch the movie. MAN: I got a funny sensation in my toes. Like someone was barbecuing them over a slow flame. I think you're on the right track. (JACK AND JILL FART) WOMAN ON SCREEN I must be. Your glasses are beginning to steam up. (CELL PHONE RINGING) (PEOPLE MURMURING) Hello? Shh! (LOUDLY) Mrs. Applebaum. Hi. Yeah, no... (WHISPERING) What are you doing? It wasn't an emergency. I just wanted to see how my plants were doing. Please stop talking! Okay, and you turned the heat off? Turn off the phone. All the way off, though? Jill, Jill! Yeah, I can't hear her. I'm trying to... I'm on the phone. Well, get off the phone, you psycho! No, don't cry. You know what? Don't run away. You just... Don't go in the woods. Jill! I can't believe it. Hey! It's the last night of Hanukkah! Come on, already! It's happy time! Dude, way to yell at a chick. That's awesome. That was a chick? JACK: Yeah, that was a chick. Really. (MOTOR REVVING OUTSIDE) JILL: Hey! The brake. FELIPE: Hey, hey, I can do it! It's all right! I got it! I can do it! It's all right! FELIPE: Hey, I can do it. JILL: It's okay. It goes fast. I'm getting it on him. She's crazy. She's crazy. She's never leaving. Well, she was going to leave until you called her "psycho." She's forwarding her mail to us now! Highlights magazine. Birdy magazine addressed to Poopsie! Okay, okay. Did you ever think that maybe she's lonely and she needs someone to get her through the holidays'? She needs a guy. She needs a guy! No, no, no, no. If we don't get her a guy by New Year's, she's gonna come on the cruise ship with us. We'll be locked on a boat for seven days! I'll kill myself! Do not get involved in her love life. Aunt Jill, why don't you have any kids'? Gary, did you make your bed this morning? It's okay, Erin. You don't have to... I can tell him. Gary, I have all the equipment and it seems to be functioning well. I get a little reminder every 30 days or so. But the point is, Gary, I was never married. Why? Well, everyone loved your father. He was more of a gadfly. Me, I kept to myself, made sure Grandma and Grandpa were okay. But everybody loves Aunt Jill just as much as Daddy. Or more. Don't say that. Your father, he might act tough, but he has thin skin. You'd hurt his feelings. Aunt Jill, did you date boys'? I liked boys. They just, they... They never liked me back. My friend Mimi's mom dates boys she meets on the computer. Oh, I've heard of this. Yeah, I would do that. It's just, I don't know how to use a computer or a radar. Or a robot or whatever. Well, let's show her! Jack. No, no, no. Uh, Sofie's the one who brought it up. It's her. She did it. I would do it. I mean, what the heck'? It's no biggie. Let's go for it. I need a man. JILL: So many to choose from. Match.com. That's a good one. Uh, eHarmony, I've heard of. They have commercials. MySoul-Mate.net. I like that because I got a little soul. (LAUGHS) Okay, so it says to press here to register for your perfect soul mate. SOFIA: No't like that. No. Like this. (GASPS) What are you, a computer ***? You would think he'd be the genius, being from India. Now, India's, uh, really amazing lately. They're just leading the pack. I read in Time magazine, they're number one. China's number two The Jews, we're back to number three. Okay. Four is Germany, so let's watch out, everyone. All right, all right, listen, you got to pick a username, Jill, so just do that. A username? Uh, how about Manilow? 'Cause he can use me anytime he wants to. (LAUGHS) Just kidding. I hope you didn't understand that. It's a little risqué for your age. Okay, now you load your profile picture that Sofie took of you. Mmm-hmm, can't wait to see this My picture is embarrassing. Put it up. Is it too va-va-voomish? No, it's very natural. Ah, maybe I should have gone with peanut butter and jelly. This... I like it, I like it. Forget it. I'm committing to it. So, what? If somebody likes me, the little envelope thing will be blinking? I just, I love this so much. I crave this, family time. It's why you have a family. A ham this good only comes once a generation. Like me. I give this ham four rings. That's a hell of a good ham right there. Whose idea was the wig? Oh, that was his choice. I think it's great that Shaq doesn't look like Shaq at all, that he looks like Al Sharpton on HGH. ♪ Ham-a-lam-a-ding-***, ham-a-lam-a-ding-***... ♪ Turn the TV off. So, how long does it take to get a response on one of those computer dating things'? I'm, uh, I'm new to this. I mean, it can take, it can take a day, it can take a week. You know what I mean? For someone like her... What was that? What was... Why'd you say, "like her"? Someone like her. Like, uh, in her 40s, still single. You know what I mean? Incredibly homely. Wow, you hate your job, don't you? No. I only said that 'cause you said that one time. I can say that 'cause I'm her twin. Hey, Jack, Laker game tomorrow night. We got to make that Pacino thing happen. Every body’s really nervous around here. Yeah, I know, I know. What's this about a twin? Oh, Jack. He has a twin sister. Are you kidding me? You never told me you had a twin sister No, no, I mean, she's... Identical or fraternal? Nocturnal, like a bat. (LAUGHS) Really? I'll pack my stuff up, man. How we doing in here? Hey, what happened? Aunt Jill checked to see if any boys liked her. The blinking thing never blinked. Oh, that's awful. If people could only see how good she can open a pickle jar... Yeah, I know. You're right. Okay, see you guys. Okay, where do I find desperate guys'? Twitter, Maxim, Craigs list. Oh, yeah. Casual Encounters. All right, savages, get ready. Anyone wanting to meet a nice... No, I need someone immediately. Not "nice." Um... Anyone wanting to meet a sexy gymnast model... No, I can't lie so much. Uh... A hot... Hi, Poopsie. Yeah, "hot" works. Crazy... Hey! Personal masseuse... Oh. I pull really hard. Watch your mother. She's going to have relief. Mmm-hmm. What happened? Is she sleeping or something? Knockout One dollar. Good luck to you. One dollar's the winner! Whoo! (LOUD THUD) (AUDIENCE GASPS) For the night of your life, go to Manilow at mySoul-Mate.net. Oh, man, I'm really throwing her to the wolves. But it has to be done. (MOUSE CLICKS) Wow. We're not going to tell anyone about this, are we'? (IMITATING SIREN WAILING) POOPSIE: Where were you? I trust you can keep a secret, kid! JILL: You guys! You guys! Are you sitting down'? I got over 100 responses on the computer! (SHRIEKS) Whoa-ho-ho! Look at Miss Popular, all of a sudden. I mean, some of them are weirdoes, but some of them are so nice! I wrote one guy back, and we're going out tonight! Oh, my God! Whoa! I love it! Oh, my God! (LAUGHS) Yeah. I'm so scared. I don't know what I'm going to wear. Oh, I'll help you. I'll help you. I'm freaking out. I feel like Julia Roberts in that movie. Pretty Woman. No, no, no, the one where she's a ***. What's the name of that one? Uh, Pretty Woman? No, no, no! Why are you saying that? No, the other one. What's the matter with you? What's she going to wear? What are you going to wear, Daddy'? In Hell. Shut up. This is like waiting for the queen. Yeah, yeah. Well, let's see what's taking her so long. Go up there, speed her along. Come on, go, go, go. (KIDS EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY) (DOORBELL RINGS) I'm answering it! JILL: Funbucket's here! Funbucket? JILL: Oh, tell him I'm not ready! Tell him I'm not home! She'll be right down. JILL: No! No, it won't zip! It won't zip! HEY- HEY... Are you Funbucket? Yeah, that's me. You don't look like a Funbucket. I was picturing someone more fun or buckety. You're not the crazy, hot masseuse, are you? I want you to tell me right up front, 'cause if you are, I'm not paying for dinner. Come here. If you mention Craigslist to her or do anything that hurts her, I will stick my foot... Funbucket? Manilow? (SOMEWHERE IN THE NIGHT PLAYING) ♪ Somewhere in the night, we will know ♪ Everything lovers can know ♪ You're my song ♪ Music too magic to end ♪ I'll play you over and over... ♪ So, yeah, you know what? I'll be up-front with you. I live in the Bronx and I don't have any children. In all honesty, the clock's ticking, so if dinner works, we got to get to work. I'm kidding you. I just said that 'cause I'm very nervous right now and I just keep talking so much. My mouth is moving. I don't even realize how much it's moving. It's... I'm not even feeling it. It's cottony. So, is this your first date on mySoul-Mate.net? Yes. Assuming it's really happening and not some sort of terrifying nightmare. (CHUCKLES) I know. What do you do for a living'? Don't tell me. I don't want... I want to play 20 Questions. Remember that game? When we were little? 20 Questions? Okay, first question. Animal, mineral... I'm going to go to the bathroom. Okay... See you. Um, should I take away your salads? Oh, I think he's just waiting for his to cool off. So, we'll just, um... Just a few more minutes. Thank you. (KNOCKING) Hello? Hello? Funbucket? Funbucket? Hello? He must have gone out to get some air. Good job. You're alive! How did it go? Oh, it was... It was fine. He didn't try anything funny with you, did he'? No, no. Does he want to go out again? Is he your prince? Are you his princess? SOFIA: Did he ask for your number? Did he kiss you good night? (SCREAMING) Oh, will you kids stop it already? It was just a date! Why do you put so much pressure on me? (SOBBING) Why are there so many stairs? I miss your old chandelier! No one's ever going to love me! I'm a loser! Oh, my God, I'm an idiot. Why? Why are you an idiot? (IN SING-SONG) Busted, disgusted, never to be trusted. Hi, Jill. It's okay, it's... We've all had bad dates. Whatever. He was such a... I thought he was cool for a second. Jack feels like you deserve to go out with a guy who treats you right. So guess who is taking you to the Lakers game tomorrow night. Hairfingers23 from the computer? No, actually, I'm your date. I love that, Pagogo! Ook maga do do! That sounds great. Finally some twin time. Oh, pali wali, zoom gali gali. That means, "I want to choke on my own vomit." Does it? L... I'm a little rusty. I don't remember everything. (RAP MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, my God, look at these guys. They're huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're too big. It's freaky. Will you stop'? It's weird. Stop it. No, it's... Where do they buy pants'? Just please keep walking. I'm sorry. It's like nuclear-power-plant big. That's... That's big. John, we're so close here. Hey. You got us in the game. What's, uh... What's going on with the beard, man'? I'm doing research. I don't want to be recognized, okay'? (CROWD CHEERING) Who is that? Hey, Jill, don't go nuts, but I'm gonna try and talk to Al Pacino. MAN: It's Pacino! Al Pacino, the movie actor? Yes, yes, stay calm. What do you think people are thinking here, that I'm sitting with my rabbi? Hey, guys, big game tonight. Yeah. How you doing, Johnny'? How are you? Huge fan. Good to see you. Thank you. And, uh, Mr. Pacino, I actually met you one time at a movie premiere. He's thirsty. Okay... It was Cats & Dogs 3, and we were sitting in the same row. One of your kids knocked over your popcorn, and I gave you mine. And you called me "Popcorn" the rest of the night. Popcorn. Yes. Yeah, nice to see you again. Hey, what's with the beard? You look a little like Bin Laden. I was kind of thinking Castro, myself. (LAUGHS) Yeah. No, no, it's like the cough drops guy, the Smith Brothers. Who is that? Is that your wife'? No, no, no, that's my sister Jill. She's in from the Bronx. Hey, Al, do you think you'd ever... Dulcinea. What's that? You're from the Bronx? Yeah, born and bred. Throggs Neck, the nice part. Al, I got a question for you, and I know it's a long shot. Well, I'm from the Bronx. Oh, okay. Did you know that? Yeah, to be honest, I don't know much about you. I haven't seen a lot of your movies, but I hear you're very serious. Well, you know... Okay. Hey, is Ryan Seacrest here? Have you seen him? Do you know him? I'm sorry, who-crest? Al, would you ever consider doing a... Eh, who is your friend? Was he in Duran Duran? Were you in Duran Duran? Yes. Yes, I was. So, tell me, how long are you gonna be in L.A.? Oh, my God. Is that John Stamos? Who? Pagogo, Pagogo, let's go before he gets away! I want to see him up close! Please! Oh, so, Al, I'm gonna get a hold of your agent, if that's cool. ANNOUNCER: Time to play ball. (CROWD GROANS) When's the marching band come out? Uh, that's not going to happen. No? JACK: Here we go. Here we go. ANNOUNCER: Kobe Bryant! (CROWD CHEERING) Compliments of Mr. Pacino. What's this? (LAUGHS) I can't believe this. This is insane, man! You got to call him! Oh, cool your buns. You know I'm still hurting from the whole Funbucket fiasco. No, but Pacino liked you! I swear to God, he really liked you! Oh, will you stop already? You know all he wants to do is play Twister with your sister. Jill, will you just do this for me? You know, maybe I'll be ready to date again in a few weeks. We'll sit and talk about it on New Year's. (TIRES SCREECHING) New Year's? But you're not gonna be here on New Year's, 'cause that's after our birthday. Which is when you're leaving. Yeah. Uh, I guess so. So, if New Year's comes up... Mmm-hmm. Just tell Jill that one more passenger on the cruise ship, it'll sink. I'm not telling her that. Tell her... You got to tell her something. I'm not having her come to Europe. It's the kids' first trip. Hey, how are we doing in here? It's 6:32. Forty-three years ago at this very time, you were born. Happy birthday, Number One. Okay, thank you. Aw, happy birthday, you guys. Okay. No, no, no, not yet, not yet! I wasn't born yet. I'm 6:33. I'm still 42, Erin. Oh, God. So how does it feel, old man? Getting rickety in the bones? (LAUGHS) I'm so bummed that you're leaving tomorrow. I'm going to miss you. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. I'm going to miss... I'm going to miss you guys, too. Especially on New Year's. Get the violins going, yeah. It's just, every year, I'd go with Mom to Valentino's. It's the restaurant, Erin, where my mother met my father. Oh, I knew that was going to be big. Don't throw it out. We can make a birthday candle with it. Hey, we're only 40 minutes late, guys. I hope they sing Happy Birthday to us. Yeah, I hope we still have our table there, Slick. Why is it so dark in here? Are we going to get killed or something'? ALL: Surprise! Oh, my God. Jack, we got you. You are having a party for us? Oh, coolness! Every body’s here. And I just had to meet your twin sister. Very nice to see you. I mean, you guys really do look alike. I say that all the time. He says no. Jill, I want to introduce you around. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) This is going to be a bad night. This is going to be an awful, awful night. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Really, it's fascinating. So, how does it work, Mr. Subway Sandwich? Just, well, just tell me more. Just Jared's fine. Call you Jared? Okay, sure. It's just, 10 sandwiches a day... To me, that seems too much, almost like a job. I couldn't do that. I don't eat that many. No? Okay, okay, here's the situation. You're here, there's not a Subway in sight. You're at a steakhouse like this. What do you eat? What do you eat'? I eat other things. Oh, you do'? You do'? I knew you were cheating. That's why there's so much goo left on you. What? I miss the old Jared, the 400-pound Jared that scared us. I don't miss that one at all. Well, I'm sure you don't. But if he was around, he'd be with me and not with the two hookers. JILL: Well, yeah, we love musicals. You know what? You're the Sham-Wow man, right? Yeah. Funny story. Uh, Jack used to be a bed-wetter. MEN: No! He could have used one of these Sham-Wow things 20 years ago for his pee puddles. (LAUGHING) Oh, there's Mr. Yellow Sheets! (ALL LAUGHING) BILLY: Where you going, Puddles? All right, nice to meet you all. Am I crazy or is she hot? You're crazy. IRVIN: It's Jack with ***. Jack with ***. That's right. There he is! Dude, did you set this whole thing up'? Yeah, we got through it, man. It came out pretty dope, I think. It's amazing. Hey, Jill. I'm sorry to interrupt. Come here for a sec. Okay, nice to see you. What's going on? Did I ever tell you Todd is an atheist? A what? Oh, God. (CHUCKLES) Have a great time, guys. No. How could there be a Grand Canyon if God didn't exist? Right. (STUTTERS) That's a very good point. I'm just saying, you know, maybe... Maybe God wouldn't have given you a rat face if you believed in him. I don't have a rat face. Yes, you do have a rat face! It's scary. McENROE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This guy doesn't believe in God? No! No, no, I'm just saying that there's not real proof. Idiots like you really make me mad! Fight! Fight! Fight him! (CHANTING) Fight! Fight! Fight! Because I'm about to US Open your skull! CROWD: (CHANTING) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ Happy birth... ♪ Happy birthday, dear Jack... ♪ And Jill ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ Come on, make a wish, you twins. Okay, let's do it. Where's the other cake? There's not enough candles for both of us. All right, Jill. One cake's enough. Make the wish. Mom and Dad always got us two cakes. Made us both feel special. I don't think Mom and Dad would like this. Make the wish already! I'm hungry! (EXHALES) Will you stop already? Blow out the candles. (INHALES DEEPLY) (CHEERING) Whoa! Funny meeting you here. Don't be startled. It's only me. (LAUGHS) AL: It's always the same thing. It's L.A. I never know where I am. It's a wilderness here. I mean, in the Bronx, you got the streets, you got the numbers. You got 187th, 188th. Yeah, right, in order. It follows in sequence. Here, you got the palm trees, and they all look alike. I have no idea where we are. You really don't? I don't. Lucky... Lucky for us, I got the panic button. You have a panic button? Yeah, and we'll soon find out where we are, huh? (ALARM BLARING) There we go. That's a house. That's not a bakery. Whether we go in a bakery, a house, what difference does it make? It makes a difference! What do you mean? There's a bakery in the house. Get out of town! Come on. I'm not going to your house. I want to see a birthday cake soon or I'm taking pepper spray out. I'm not kidding. O ye of little faith. What is that, a Shakespeare'? No, that was Jesus. Okay, birthday girl. Oh, my God. Here it is. You name it, Xavier, my guy, will bake it. (LAUGHS) Oh, my God! Look, I made her happy. I love this! made you happy... ♪ To dream the impossible dream ♪ Nutcracker. No. That? That's, uh, Man of La Mancha. They offered me the part of Don Quixote on Broadway. Ooh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. But, you know, I'm just, uh, I'm not there yet, so I'm mulling it over, you know? I love that. That's where the, uh, man's in the tower ringing the bell'? That's Quasimodo. That's Hunchback of Notre-Dame. See, this is Don Quixote. Don Quixote meets this, uh, fallen woman who he thinks is his lost love Dulcinea. Right. And he can't straighten his back, so he keeps ringing the bell. And he has a sidekick. It was a mouse. Okay, moving on. Listen, Bronx, I got a birthday surprise for you. Another one? Yeah. It's my original stickball stick. Oh. Come with me a second. Let me just eat some cake. This is so good. Leave it. You've been eating enough. We really have to stop now? Xavier! Oui, monsieur? Ha! He's going to throw the ball, and you are going to take this stick with two hands, right? And you're going to hit it. Do I have to play this weird game? It's not weird. Jill, it's in you. It's in your DNA. Just think Bronx. Let it just float. Okay, okay, okay... Can you do me a favor and not hold me like this? All right. I'm just trying to show you. Okay, all you got to do is make contact, that's all. I feel like this is your game and it's not my game. If you want to play my game, Hungry Hungry Hippos, Sabaday. Do you have that here? That's coming. (SPEAKING MOCK FRENCH) Goobledy gibble globbity! (SPEAKING FRENCH) What language are you speaking? Just throw it. Oui, oui. Okay. Come on, no batter here, pitcher! No batter! I just don't know why we're doing this. Oh! Whoa! JILL: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I am so sorry! I'm sure you have others, though. Uh, you'd think it, but, uh, oddly enough, I don't. But I have you. You don't have me. I... I'd rather have you. I'm sorry. I'm going to go. I just... I had fun, but I'm so tired. It's 8:30 in the morning, my time. Do you know what time it is for me? It is time for my salvation. Because finally, I found the one woman, with all her rough-hewn charm, who will lead me back... to sanity. You're sick. You're a sweetie. I saw what you were doing with the stick and it was gross. Thank you, Sabaday. Wait a minute, where do you think you're going? I'm not your wham-bam-eggs- and-ham type. But you don't have a car. (DOOR CLOSES) POOPSIE: Why are you ignoring me? What happened to me? What's this? Help me! Where were you? What do you mean? I was here, bird. Felipe. Miss Jill? What you doing out here'? I stayed out here because I didn't want to go in the house. And Erin tried to make me come back in and I wouldn't. He yelled at me 'cause I rejected Al Pacino. Well, if you need something to do, I'm just fixing the timer and heading off to a big family picnic. We play soccer, eat, steal white people's wallets... What did you say? I'm kidding! I'm kidding! (CHUCKLES) We don't eat. (LAUGHS) Oh, stop it. POOPSIE: Why won't you help me? What are you doing? Put Poopsie down! It flew in my bread. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, Rosa! (SPEAKS SPANISH) This is my friend, Jill. Hi. That's my father, my mama, my brother Juan, my other brother Juan, Juan Jr., my sister Juanita, my grandma Juangelina, and that... I'm kidding! (LAUGHING) I was going to say, that's a lot of Juans! FELIPE: We're not all named Juan. Hey, niños! Look, these are my kids. José, José Jr. Y Josefina They are beautiful. Hi. Hi. They all look like my wife, thank God. Your wife'? I need to meet her. Where is she? Well, she passed away four years ago. I'm so sorry. I lost my mother recently. No, that's all right. I love talking about my wife. And I know she's up there sneaking into Heaven right now. It's a joke! It's a joke! (LAUGHING) Your father's bad. He's bad! He's very bad! Ready for the best Mexican food you ever had'? I never had Mexican food. What? I'm sorry. It's not my fault. Uh, they don't serve it at my deli. Well, today is your lucky day. Okay... Taste. Cool. WOW! That's chile relleno. It looks like a knish. (LAUGHS) Never had Mexican food. (CHUCKLES) It's very, very good. (THUDS) I'm kidding. Are you okay'? Yeah, I'm fine. Heads up. What is this thing? No, no, no, no, no, no! It's too hot. Just like you. Oh, Felipe, easy. Come on, Jill! Come on! (CROWD GROANS) (LAUGHS) (CHEERING EXCITEDLY) (LAUGHS) MAN: Get Jill out there! (ALL CHEERING) (HISSES) Come on, Jill, run! Run! (CROWD GROANS) (SPEAKING SPANISH) Jalapeños. Jalapeños. Okay, this is yours. (CROWD CHANTING IN SPANISH) (CROWD GROANS) JILL: What happened? Jalapeños! Jalapeños! Jalapeños? Did I get it? Jalapeños. Go! Run! (LAUGHING) Shoot that! Shoot that! (ALL CHEERING) Goal! Whoa! (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING SPANISH) It's not a guy. Felipe, I love it! (DOORBELL RINGS) Hey, hey, hey. AL: Hey, Mr. Popcorn. Is that Al Pacino? Are you kidding me? How you doing? Listen, I got a little something here for Ms. Sadelstein. My God, she's not here right now. Oh, that's our loss, isn't it? Have you any idea when she might be coming home'? Hopefully soon. You know what, I hope so. I'm waiting on her, too. And I wanted to tell you, Al, if she wasn't receptive the other night... Oh, my God! I know she's in here, Popcorn. How'd you get over the fence? Jill, come on! You want me to get you something to eat or... All I want to do is make you happy! Uh-huh. I want to see you. I want to know that you exist. That I'm not just imagining you! Al, she really isn't here. Uh, for real This it? Yeah. She sleeps here? She does. She sleeps there. Ooh, God, sorry you have to see that. She sleeps with someone? No, no, no, no, that's a bird. That's not a human. No problems. Look at this. Isn't that something? Yeah. How does this happen? Al, I wouldn't lay there. That's not, uh... (SIGHING) She leaves an after-scent. Hey, Popcorn, you know, you're not really giving me any confidence here. About what? Where is she? Al, I don't know where... Where you hiding her? She's coming back, she just is not here right... Hey, Jill! Lot of places to hide. Hey, Jill! Al, she's coming back, I swear to you. She got an 8:00 flight tonight, so I promise. What? She's leaving'? Uh... Come here. Come to you? Yeah, come, come. We gotta talk. Yeah. You want to turn my name into some coffee-drink chocolate-doughnut thing'? Well, yeah. Tastefully, though. I think... Then you get me the girl. Get you the girl? Get me the girl. "Get" is a strong word. 'Cause this is my sister we're talking about. You don't understand! Well, I want to understand. You don't understand! Go ahead, go ahead. Tell me what I need to know. Your sister and I... Yeah? We grew up on the same streets. We breathed the same Bronx air. Yes, yes, yes. When I look at her, I see me. When I look at her, I see me, too. Just... I know what you mean. I see what I was. I'm lost, Popcorn. I am. I go visit my kids, I can't find them. Lend up talking to lemon trees. You know what? I'm lost now. What does... Jill... Yes? Is going to get me there. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want a shot. You understand? Let's get you a shot. Right. Only way to get you a shot is to have my sister stay even longer out here, which is amazing news for me. JILL: It's so warm to be the holiday season. But thank you. I really had an amazing time. Too bad you're taking off tonight. I... Well, I have to. He's abusive to me. Not physically, 'cause I would hurt him, but mentally. And, it's time to go. I know. Maybe next time you're... (STOMACH GURGLING) Maybe next time you're here, if you ever... (STOMACH GURGLING) Yes? That's... What? If I ever what? Well, maybe next time you're here, if... (STOMACH GURGLING) Your engine... Your engine seems to be... It's a diesel truck, I'm guessing, right'? No. Uh... If you ever want to see a movie or something... (STOMACH GURGLING) Oh, my God. (FARTS) Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just hold the thought. I have... I have to go! I have to really go! What did I say'? Oh, no, it's not you, it's the chimichangas! They're making a run for the border! Oh, you're throwing chimichanga bombs? (LAUGHS) Oh! Oh, God! Jill, where were you? (MOANING) Aw, she's not talking to us still, I guess. I am not talking to you! I am talking to Erin! Erin, I got to go make some chocolate squirties! Oh, God! Oh! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Oh, please get there. Yes. Hey, Jill, can I talk to you for a second? No! My bags are packed and there's nothing left to... (PARTS) ...say. (LOUD FART) I spent the day at Felipe's picnic, where I finally felt welcome. (FARTS LOUDLY) By everybody. I tried this new food for the very first time. (FARTING) I'm guessing Mexican? Yes, Mexican, Mr. Food Detective! And Felipe treated me like a... (CONTINUAL SPUTTERING FARTS) What, is Evel Knievel doing wheelies in there? (STAMMERS) (TOILET FLUSHES) Hey, so I just wanted to talk to you about last night and everything, and... Oh, my God. Wow, I, uh... (SIGHS) I was thinking about last night and all that stuff you were saying, and... Are you hot or something? I just have to, uh... God Almighty! I would love for you to stay a few extra days. No, I'm going home. I already told them to turn my electricity back on. You can't be alone on... You can't be alone on New Year's. Come on, that's just not right. You want me to stay that long'? I thought you were going on your big cruise. Jill, I want you to come on the cruise with us. Pagogo, I can't believe it. Of course I'll come with you. Thank you! Yes! I mean, of... You want... Yes! (KIDS CHEERING) Yes! Oh... Oh, my God! Poopsie, Poopsie, we're cruising through Europe! (VACATION PLAYING) Welcome to Royal Caribbean International. ♪ Vacation, all I ever wanted Vacation, had to get away ♪ Oh, Poopsie, we're not in the Bronx any more. This boat has everything! Oh, my God! TODD: Hello? What took you so long to pick up'? Jack, Pacino's called here three times. What do you want me to tell the Dunkin' Donuts people, all right'? We got five days, Jack, to get Scarface or they move on. I know, I know. Oh, my God! There's a pool on a boat? Do you want me to get AI Pacino on the phone now'? Tell Pacino I'll call him tonight at 5:30, okay'? And just one more thing. Yeah, what? God told me your feet were on my desk, so get them off! All you can eat. Go for it, Poopsie. Have a chocolate bath. (GURGLING) Where were you? (ALARM BEEPS) Oh! All right, it's 5:30. I got to make a call. To who? Uh, I got one last business call to make and then that's it for me. I love you. Be back. Amongst this princely heap, if any here, by false intelligence... (CELL PHONE RINGS) (PEOPLE MURMURING) Hold me a foe if I unwittingly... (RINGING CONTINUES) or in my rage, committed aught that is hardly borne by any in this princely presence, I do reconcile (RINGING CONTINUES) myself to his friendly peace. 'Tis death to me to be at enmity, and desire all good men's love. Where were you, Popcorn? What do you mean? It's 5:30. No, no, it's 9:30 my time. I was waiting for you at 5:30. Oh, it's four hours the other way. I just... I got confused. I... Okay, whatever, whatever, whatever. What's going on? How's she doing'? We're, uh, we're, uh, we're coming along. That's how we're doing. Coming along? What does that mean, "coming along"? What does that mean? MAN: Come on, wrap it up! It means we're getting there. We just need a little more time. Put her on the phone. I want to hear her voice. Ah, she's not here right now. This reminds me of that boat movie with Leonardo. ERIN: Titanic? JILL: No, the one with the iceberg. Who is that? That was, uh, Poopsie. Why won't you let me talk... (MURMURING) Hey, can you... You got to be quiet. I can't hear him! All right? Please. Please! Yeah, listen, you get me this girl, or you don't get that Dunkaccino commercial, you understand? Don't you know me? Don't you know I would use all my power, all the power I have, to keep a commercial like that from happening'? Don't you know that? Is he seriously breaking out The Godfather? I swear to God, I'm going to cry. Put her on! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Put her on! (VOCIFEROUS SHOUTS) Pacino! Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. Hang on for a second. I'll put her on. (MIMICKING JILL) Hello'? Jill, my darling, just to hear your voice. What are they doing? Why are they trying to keep us apart? Nobody's keeping me apart from anybody. I'm my own person. You remember that. Oh, I know you're your own person. Nobody's like you. Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) Would you like a little privacy? I could finish up for you. No, no, it's okay. It's okay. Nobody wants to see you. But thanks, anyway. Jill. Can you meet me when you dock in Spain'? But what about your Shakespeare show'? Don't you have that to do? You kidding? This is L.A. They got Bruce Jenner playing Lord Rivers. Yeah, I don't think so. Darling, put your brother on. Okay. Here he is. (NORMAL VOICE) Hello. Jack's back. Popcorn, we did it! We did it! I'm coming, I'm coming to get her! You're coming to get her? She just said, "I don't think so," I thought. I can smell *** across an ocean. (GROANS IN DISGUST) Here's how it's going to go down. 9:00 p.m. tomorrow, top deck, portside. I'll be there. (MOANS QUIETLY) Audience, could you tell me where I was? WOMAN: "But he, poor soul." But he, poor soul, by your first order died. ANNOUNCER OVER PA: Good afternoon, passengers. Hope you all are enjoying our Royal Caribbean activities. And for those of you going ashore later, we will be arriving in beautiful Majorca by sunset. ERIN: Come on, sweetie. Go! Jump! Jump! JILL: Oh, no, no, she's good. Pagogo, why don't these guys know how to jump rope? Why didn't you teach them? We were the double dutch kings in our neighborhood, and these guys can't do a single wing-ding. Daddy, you know how to jump rope'? No, I don't know how to jump rope Your father likes to pretend his life started in California. We were champs. Everyone loved us in the neighborhood. Come on, Daddy, please. No. No, no. Bring it over here! CiCi, Rodney, kick it! Get up here. Get up here. I, uh... Do it, do it. Yes! Oh! JILL: Let's go! Come on! Here's the twin power. Bring it! Oh, my God. Okay. (IT'S TRICKY PLAYING) (PEOPLE GASPING) WOW! Do "The Mummy." (CHEERING) (LAUGHING) Come on, turn up the heat. ♪ It's tricky to rock a rhyme ♪ To rock a rhyme That's right on time ♪ It's tricky, tricky, huh! I (ALL CHEERING LOUDLY) (LAUGHING) That was all your father. That was you! You were great, Pokee. Now she's Pokee? She's always been Pokee. I was thinking, tonight, portside, you could go on that deck, check out the stars, put on something gorgeous, 'cause there might be a handsome surprise waiting for you. Oh, really? You going to introduce me to my Mr. Right? Uh, maybe. Oh, really? It's not Al Pacino, is it? Why, is it Al Pacino? No, no, it's not. 'Cause that would just hurt me at this point. But it's not, so... Treating me like some sort of prosti-twin, that's bad. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not, all right? All right! Then why are you getting so angry? Why are you so annoying? JILL: What? Jack! Why would you say that? We were just having fun! We never have fun when you're around! I'm sorry! Oh, no, no! You... This is you, man! This is on you! Go, go! You're out of your mind! You're out of your mind! JACK: Yeah, yeah, yeah! (SQUAWKS DRUNKENLY) Let's see. Pit stain. Pit stain. I don't know what that is. Okay, clean. You tell anybody, I will fry you up and eat you. (SQUAWKS) Huh'? Yeah. (SIGHS) All right, where is he, man? He said portside, I'm portside. Where am I supposed to be? (HELICOPTER WHIRRING) (SCREAMING IN PAIN) Cheesecake! Huh! (MIMICKING JILL) Oh! Holy crap! Just climb on the ladder, there! Don't you think maybe you should land that thing? That would be easier for me! It's safer to hover! WOW! Yeah! Whoa! AL: Xavier, look at her go! Ho! Lam back! Ah... Señorita, I was gone too long? No, not at all. It's, uh... Really good to see you again. So, what is different about you tonight? I don't know. Nothing. No, no, no, no. There's something... Did you drop some weight'? Maybe that's it. Yeah, I'm looking thinner. Yeah, I think so. That's probably what you're seeing. I think you're more feminine or something. A little more... Less muscular. I don't agree, but, uh... Okay. (SPEAKING MOCK SPANISH) Gloobledy globble bibbly blop. Blobbledobble... gibbledy blip. Hibbledy globb, shoelace This is the heavy, hard stuff or how are we doing here? What is this? AL: One for the lady. ¡Qué lindo! That's enough for me. Who's Poopsie? I keep hearing, "Poopsie, Poopsie." Poopsie is my bird. Ah? I used to raise pigeons. Really? Yeah. No, I'm sorry. That was Brando. Oh! (GIGGLES) Are you ticklish? No. Oh! I said I'm not, so... No, no, it's just that Stella Adler, the great acting teacher, once wrote in a book, the only way you can really get to know somebody is if you, uh, watch their behavior when they're being tickled. Would you do me the honor and just lift up those girlie arms'? I just haven't shaved under there in many, many years. You don't want to see that. We're in Europe. It doesn't matter. I think even here, they might be, like, "What is that?" No, no, not here. Give me a try. Okay, so, here we go. Oh, my God. Ah! Look at us. (MAKING GOOFY NOISES) (GIGGLING) (LAUGHS) (NORMAL VOICE) All right! Stop it! What? What was that? Just... (MIMICKING JILL) I don't really... I didn't like that. I'm sorry. That was powerful. And it just came out of you like, "Boom!" (MUTTERING) (BABBLING) You know, what? We're better with just... Oh! AL: Whoa. Whoa! I don't even know where Jack is right now. He's avoiding me. That's where he is. Can I work in with you guys? Sure. Knock yourself out. I think he hates 'cause I talk so much. It bothers him, you know? But when I'm in the Bronx, I have no one else to talk to but Poopsie, so when I'm around other humans, I... I tend to blab a lot. No, you don't. I do, I do. Will you throw a couple more 45s on'? Erin, he was being so nice to me, and then I had to bring up the Pacino thing, because“. I don't know. I do that. It's just 'cause I'm insecure, you know'? I feel like the only reason he brought me on this cruise is for some Pacino-related shenanigans and it just gets in my head. He told me he wanted you to come on this cruise because he didn't want you to spend your first New Year's Eve without your mom alone. He said that? Yeah. Oh, my God, that means so much to me. Why didn't I use my twin powers to know that? Do they not work when you're out of the country'? Maybe they don't. That's why he was mad! 'Cause he was being good to me, and I... I did what I did and I'm a jerk, and I have to call him. And I'm gonna straighten the whole family vacation out, I promise. This is so cool! TRAINER: Push! (SHOUTING IN GERMAN) Push! Push harder! I was pushing it! (I'M A BELIEVER PLAYING) (GRUNTING) Hey! Hey! All right! Al Pacino! Al, Al Pacino! Al Pacino! (LAUGHS) Now you got it! JACK: All right, let's have... Here you go! Boom! Ah, yeah! (CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, I always come on the short end of that. I'm getting a call. (PHONE LINE RINGING) Hello. Hello? Hello? I don't understand. Are you mocking my voice right now'? No, no, no, I'm not. I... I can't talk right now. Okay, don't talk, then. Just listen. I just want to tell you I'm sorry. I'm... I'm the reason we're fighting right now. And... And I never thank you enough for doing all you do for me, so thank you. Who is that, your brother? Yeah. Who is that, Jack? That's, uh... It's... It's nobody! Hey, Popcorn, we're having fun here! Are you with Al Pacino? No, no, I'm not! I just... I said I can't talk right now, weirdo! Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing. I said I can't talk, so I'm hanging up! Jack, speak in your regular voice or I'll know the real reason why you brought me on this cruise. I can't always do what you want when you want it! Bye! (GROANS) I mean, come on! AL: Hey, what's Popcorn's problem'? Mayor McCheesy doesn't like his new script'? Oh, get over yourself. My brother's very good at what he does. He's going to write a book one day, you'll see. Oh, yes, he's an author. I forgot, that's right. He's got a whole novel in him about Desenex foot powder. Ooh! Oh! So funny. (GRUNTS) Okay. Yes. Oh, that's the Bronx girl coming back. Now, you take back what you said about Pagogo! Go ahead, do it. Defend the honor of that self-deluded, sycophantic, bitter hack. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Are you okay? Get off of me. Okay. It's not okay. I'm sorry. I know... What could I do? You know, you had that, uh... You had a broken bottle and were coming at me. Yeah, yeah, well, get away from me. AL: All right. Just let me breathe for a second. I just... I need my own space. Back up. Okay, all right, I'm backing up. Back up! All right! Oh, geez. Hey... You don't hit a girl with a chair on the first date! It's amazing the way you stick up for your brother. It's just... Well, I got to do that. Don't I at least owe him that? 'Cause all I ever do is take things from him and ruin things and... Well, that's his point of view, you know. I mean, that's the way he makes you see yourself. You want to know what I see? Yes, I want to know what you see. You can get any girl in the world, and why would you want me? Answer that. It makes no sense. Well, I see an angel with a broken wing. I see a brother who all he got all his life was everything. All the glory, all the accolades, everything since they were two. I... I see a girl who wants recognition but just never gets it, yet she has a heart so big, she finds happiness in seeing her brother receive it all. Yeah, yeah, but come on, aren't I a pain in the butt? I mean, don't I annoy everybody? You got so much love in you, Jill, so much to give. You just need someone to give it to. ♪ To dream ♪ The impossible dream ♪ To fight ♪ The unbeatable foe ♪ To bear with unbearable sorrow ♪ Dulcinea. (SOBBING) Dulci-what-a'? You are Dulcinea from the Broadway play they offered me and I am the Man of La Mancha. Oh. You got me there. I'm taking the part! What about my brother? What do I do? What do I say'? Ah, your brother. Oh, I don't know there's much you can do about him. I mean, not that he doesn't love you. He loves you, I'm sure, but it's a kind of deathbed love, the kind of love he'll look back on when it's too late. Hey, listen, I'm gonna do Man of La Mancha. No, no, no, I got to fix it. I got to fix it now, now I got to fix it. Hey, where are you going? Back to the ship. Would you stay if I did your brother's commercial'? Oh, the heck with that commercial. I'm going to see my womb-mate. (HELICOPTER HOVERING) (NORMAL VOICE) Come on, come on, pick up the phone. ELECTRONIC VOICE: You have reached the voice mailbox of... JILL: (ON RECORDING) What is this? How do you... ELECTRONIC VOICE: To leave a voice message, press one. Oh, God. Jill! Jill, open up! Jack? Um, what are you wearing? You were with Al Pacino, weren't you? Wow, you're good. Jill was right. You are a weirdo. I know I am. Where is she? Where's Jill? She went home, and nowl know why. She went home? Oh, God, what am I going to do? ♪ Good-bye, good-bye ♪ Good-bye, my love ♪ I can't hide ♪ Can't hide ♪ Can't hide what has come MAN: Happy New Year! WOMAN: Happy New Year! ♪ I have to go ♪ And leave you alone ♪ But always know ♪ Always know Going in alone is fine, Mom, and I'm not alone. I'm with you. ♪ Good-bye ♪ Good-bye ♪ (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) Hey, well, guess what, I'm not wearing underwear. It's New Year's Eve. (ALL LAUGHING) Let's have some fun. Yo, you guys. Is that Jill Sadelstein? She was absolutely the biggest loser in our high school. I mean, didn't she marry that bird and move to the jungle? (ALL LAUGHING) OMG, she's here alone tonight. The loserness continues. (ALL LAUGHING) Hey, Jill. Oh, hey! Happy New Year, guys Where you been hiding, hon? I was visiting my brother for Thanksgiving, and he... I just decided to stay out there with him for a while. Yeah, he must have loved that. (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) For your information, Carol, he begged me to stay, but I'm just too exhausted from being on game shows and dating movie stars. Oh, who'd you hook up with, Rob Schneider? (ALL LAUGHING) I like him. God, you're hot. (MONICA SIGHS) You know, I don't like to kiss and tell, but I was with Sir Al Pacino for a whole night. Aw, honey, it must not have worked out since you're all alone tonight. Yeah. Aren't you'? JACK: She's not alone. She's with her family. Jack? Jill. What are you doing here? (WHISPERING) That's Jack. I just... I realized there's something that I... I want to tell you so much. I just... I don't know how to say... What? Ook maga do do, Pokee. Oh, my God. Ook maga do do blarda, blarda, blarda. Mama Pandoree bon Papa Pandoree long bada-bada. Bada-Bada, I know. JACK: Pagogo Tu lray Nah ee Pokee Para mee. But most important, Bongi Bongi que Mahjongee. Of course, I love those guys. Bongi para rumpernickel pumpernickel. That's freaking beautiful. (SOBBING) It's just Just beautiful. Para Kaya! (LAUGHING) Ook maga do do. Coodlee me, coodlee me. I'm so happy, so happy... (MOUTHING) Thank you. So, what, are you, like, his wife? Is that Monica? Yeah. Hi, I'm... I'm Erin. Nice to meet you. Well, I guess he settled for second best. Because I dumped his sorry butt in high school. (ALL LAUGHING) Yes, I did. Don't worry, Erin. They used to call her "The Cheese Tray" 'cause she got passed around at all the parties. (BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, we're getting busy. I'm right here. (SCREAMS) What are you doing? (ERIN SQUEALING) (ALL SHOUTING) What did I do? Don't you touch my sister-in-law. Knock her out, Jill, knock her out! (ALL SHOUTING) Oh, my God! You okay? (JILL SCREAMING) ALL: Oh! (ALL GASP) Muleteers! Prepare to do battle. Oh, my God, is that Colonel Sanders? Al, what is this? Why do you look like that? He... He's doing Man of La Mancha now, so he always stays in character. Milady. Al, I'm so sorry. I thought I made it clear, we're not meant to be. Pokee, Klapa! (GRUNTS) (ALL GASP) It's... It's not you, it's me. Dulcinea. Yes? Your purity befits a knight more worthy than I. Go to him. He waits for you. (STAMMERS) Pagogo, where's the knight? You'll just have to see Jill, come on. There's a knight? Oh, my God, there's a knight? Yeah, yeah. There's a knight! There's a knight! Ah! It's a foul monster! Ah! Al, that's a ceiling fan. No, it's a whirling, five-arm beast. JILL: What is this? What? Oh. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) FELIPE: She's going to show up. JILL: Wha... What the... Felipe, what is this? I don't understand. What is going on here'? What is happening? What... Felipe, how did you do this? What? This is... Jill. Hi, guys, hi. What are you doing here? Jill, before you left, what I was trying to tell you, while you were dropping chimichanga bombs... That was awful, I'm sorry. Is that you make me feel like, like I just climbed out of the trunk of my cousin's car after driving 1,100 miles across the border. Huh? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. (ALL LAUGHING) I was going to say, "He's ruining the mood," but... Yeah. But not about you. What? I love you, Jill. I... I love you. You love me? Yeah, I love you. Somebody loves me. I love you, Jill. Will you convert to Judaism for me? What? I'm kidding! I'm kidding! Oh, Felipe! I love you, Jill. All right, all right, he said he loved you. Don't kill him! Come on! JILL: I love you. What are you doing? Jack, jump in here and lay with me. Lay with me. JACK: Oh, just lay with Felipe. Can't you do that'? NARRATOR: Something's brewing at D'in' D. WOW! Al Pacino! It's not Al any more, it's Dunk. Dunk Accino? Don't mind if I do. ♪ What's my name? ♪ Dunkaccino ♪ It's a whole new game ♪ Dunkaccino ♪ You want creamy goodness, I'm your friend ♪ Say hello to my chocolate blend ♪ Attica, hoo-wah, latte lite ♪ This whole trial is out of sight ♪ They pulled me back in with hazelnut, too ♪ Caramel swirl... l know it was you ♪ Everyone wants my Dunkaccino ♪ Can't get enough of my Dunkaccino ♪ Kids from seven to seventeen-0 ♪ Lining up for my Dunkaccino ♪ What's my name? ♪ Dunkaccino ♪ A-Dunka-Dunka Dunka-Dunka-Dunkaccino ♪ And, boom, there you have it. It's actually 32 seconds, so I got to lose two seconds. Maybe you can tell me what, what part you would lose, but I think we are getting there. Burn this. I'm sorry? This must never be seen by anyone. If you didn't like all those close-ups, we can, we can... This is not the final cut. There's no doubt, we can, we can... All copies. Destroy them. You want me to play it again? Has anybody seen this? Nobody has seen this. They have to be found and talked to. All right, to be honest, I showed my wife. (CHUCKLING) She couldn't believe... No good, no good. So I used to be fatter, and so what he would do... Picture him way bigger, like... So what would happen is we'd get together on Thanksgiving. He'd kind of gather the family around, and, and so I would have to go, "This is me before Ultra Slim Fast." "And this is me now!" And everybody would laugh at him and he'd go cry in the other room. I'm Larry, this is my brother Dave. We used to be triplets, but he ate the other one. Let me tell you, I don't, I don't really like getting into fights with him because I really... I don't like closing my fist on him, so when we get into fights, we look like sissies when we fight each other. You know, 'cause I don't, I don't really like... It's kind of that... The schoolyard fight when you see two girls. She's my baby girl, she knows that. We're like a husband-and-wife relationship. We fight and then we come together. That's sick, okay? I mean, not in a sick way. You shouldn't say that like that, that's sick. Not in a sick way. I don't like my brother. I have a deep, intense dislike for my brother. He's a bad guy. I know what the problem is. He didn't say anything about it, did he? He don't like the mustache 'cause he can't grow one. Well, usually, when we celebrate a birthday, usually it's more than one cake. It's four cakes. It's usually four. Yeah. It's usually four cakes. There's right hand, left hand, right hand, left hand. Or one for me and one for him and two for his girlfriend. Yeah, yeah. She was actually living in L.A. And I was in Kentucky doing the race at that moment. I was tired. Yeah. 'Cause I did not train properly. And I started feeling, like, these pains or something like that, and it was, like, weird, so... So, yeah. I mean, that's my part of, like, ESPN or ESP. Whatever it's called. It's ESP. Okay, whatever. ESPN is the network for sports. (BOTH SPEAKING SECRET LANGUAGE) You figure it out. Well, you know, I'm married, so... Yeah, we don't have girl issues. Yeah, well, I... Sometimes, though, I do try to hook him up with someone. I mean, if they come up to me and they're like, they like me, I'm like, "Oh, sorry," and then I'm like, "Hey, look at this guy, though." And so, I mean, he's kind of like the backup twin. I don't care, I take it. I said, "Look, dude, I don't think I can..." "I don't think I can go on this date," "but I can't, can't break the date." "'Cause, you know, it's got to happen," "it's got to happen tonight." I said, "Well, Rog, you know..." You said... What'd you... What'd you tell me? "How does the girl look? How does she look?" I said, "Dude, she's a 10, she's hot." "She's hot?" "She's hot." I said, "Well, you know, send me." "I'll put, I'll put her on ice for the night, you know." "Send me out, I'll make sure everything's good for you," "you know, and you'll be good to go next week." So I did. He went out with the girl. It was smooth, right? She... I think she fell in love with him on the first date. What's funny is, my brother ended up dating this girl for, like, four... What, like three and a half years? Yeah, it was like three and a half years. She never knew we switched on the very first date. She said, "The best time of my life was the first date." There you go. I was like, "Oh, come on." Growing up with long hair, full Afros. Oh, yeah, fine, with some platform shoes, something you'd remember. You stole my good pair. All right, let's move, let's move. ♪ It's tricky, it's tricky ♪ Tricky, tricky, tricky ♪ It's tricky to rock a rhyme ♪ To rock a rhyme that's right on time ♪ It's tricky ♪ T-T-T- Tricky, tricky, tricky (BOTH GIGGLING) ♪ It's tricky to rock a rhyme ♪ To rock a rhyme that's right on time ♪ It's tricky, tricky, huh! I Ah! (LAUGHS) The best thing about being twins is, when I fall, when I feel sad, Elijah just picks me right back up and that's just helpful to me. Love my twin. Love my twin. Love you, sis. Love you. I love us. (BOTH LAUGHING) You smell. I love this guy. I can't imagine life without my brother. (BOTH LAUGH) But we love each other. Yeah, but we love each other, right, okay. You're my only friend. (LAUGHS) That's so sad. It was cool, man. I love my brother I love you, man. No matter how bad he is, no matter what he does wrong, he's still my brother and he's still number one. (ALL SPEAKING SECRET LANGUAGE) Without a twin you're useless. We're good to go. Triplets? No. No, nah. Nasty, ugly. Uh-uh, finite. Uh-uh. No, done. No, we're done. Twins. Yes. Keep 'em. Let's go. (MAN LAUGHING IN DISTANCE) (PUFFING) (GRUNTING) I got to get this pin... (MIMICS POPPING) (MIMICKING AIR ESCAPING)