Zoolander - English Transcript

Here in Malaysia, there is an almost overwhelming sense of euphoria... as the newly-elected prime minister has given this nation hope... promising to raise the substandard minimum wage... and end child labor once and for all. Already considered a living saint... he has become this small country's greatest hope... for a thriving future in the new millennium. for a thriving future in the new millennium. Get closer, Jaco. This is disgusting. How could you let this happen? I have negotiated my butt off, Giorgio. I've tried bribes, I've tried gifts. I even sent him some pet oxen. I mean, they love that crap in Malaysia. But he won't budge. Listen, 50 percent of my inventory is manufactured... in sweatshops on the Malaysian border. Something has got to be done. If Malaysia goes, what is next? My entire *** line is made in Vietnam. We'll all go bankrupt within a year. The Malaysian must be eliminated, Mugatu. What? No, I don't have time for this. Perhaps you'd rather go back to turning out novelty neckties. But my new fall line is almost due. And I trust you would like to live to see your spring line as well? The Malaysian prime minister visits New York in 14 days. Do it then. Fourteen days? That's Fashion Week. It's impossible! I have a show! It's perfect. Invite him to be your guest of honor. That's not enough time. It takes months to train an operative. What about Fabio? Too smart. This is a rush job. He's got to be extremely dim-witted. - You know the profile, Jacobim. - A beautiful, self-absorbed... simpleton who can be manipulated and molded like Jell-O. Or cookie dough. - Or Play-Doh. - Any kind of dough. The point is, we need an empty vessel... a shallow, dumb, vacuous moron. And when he's finished, we'll dispose of him. But who? I mean, where in all of God's green goodness... am I gonna find someone that beef-headed? Derek, I just have a few more questions, if that's okay. Cool. So when did you know you wanted to be a model? It would have to be the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal... and I remember thinking, "Wow, you're ridiculously good-looking. Maybe you could do that for a career." Do what? - Be professionally good-looking. - Right. What would you say your trademark is, if you have one? Well, I guess the look I'm best known for is Blue Steel. What's that look like? That's impressive. And then there's Ferrari and Le Tigre. Le Tigre's a lot softer. It's a bit more of a catalog look. - I use it for footwear sometimes. - Can I see that? Look, without Derek Zoolander, male modeling wouldn't be what it is. He is a fashion icon. So, do you spend a lot of time working on these looks... thinking about them? Sure. I've been working on Magnum for at least eight or nine years. Magnum? That's intriguing. Can I see that? Are you kidding? I shouldn't even be talking about it. It's nowhere near ready. It's almost like there's a light around him. He exudes beauty. I think about Derek every time I design a collection. You may be familiar with the belief that some aboriginal tribes hold. It's the concept that a photo might steal a part of your soul. What are your thoughts on that... as someone who gets his picture taken for a living? That Blue Steel look he does... Oh, my Gosh, the style and the hair. It's almost like the new afro for the white man, but it's beautiful. Well, I guess I would have to answer your question with another question. How many "abo-digitals" do you see modeling? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the fashion industry's biggest night... the VH 1 Fashion Awards. the VH 1 Fashion Awards. There he is, three-time Male Model of the Year... Derek Zoolander. He's like music. Proud owner of Blue Steel, the look that made him the legend he now is. He's almost too good-looking. Hey, Paco! That would be my main deterrent in considering a relationship. And that's who Derek Zoolander is defending his title against tonight. Hansel. - Hansel, right here! - All right, all right. The rookie sensation who has burned his way... into the eye sockets of the fashion world... and left them clawing their faces for more. Mugatu sucks! Support the prime minister! Mugatu uses slave labor! Down with Mugatu! You hate to see something like that at an event like this. Ugly protesters bothering beautiful people. There's no denying Jacobim Mugatu has used cheap Malaysian workers... to make his and most of the garment industry's clothes. Hey, Steve, how are you doing? You're going for your fourth Male Model of the Year award. - Are you nervous? - I have butterflies in my basket... but I think I'm doing okay. We also hear you're working on a new look. Can you tell us about it? Actually, I can't, Steve, because it's not yet perfected. But I can tell you that it's called Magnum and... Shut, baby, shut! If I tell you anything else, this guy's gonna kill me. Got that right. How are you doing, Steven? - Maury Ballstein, Balls Models. - A man who needs no introduction. Maury, you've handle every important male model for the last 30 years. - Derek's chances tonight? - Let me tell you something. Nobody can touch Derek. Nobody! I gotta get inside. I'm "shvitzing" like a "shmedrik" with all these lights. Are you worried about Hansel? Not as much as I'm worried about Gretel. Hey, put that Hansel and Gretel line in your article. I want people to know how funny I can be. Oh, believe me, they'll know. It hits newsstands tomorrow. Excuse me, Mr. Mugatu. Mr. Mugatu, Matilda Jeffries. Time magazine. Any comment on Prime Minister Hassan's wage increases... - for Malaysian garment workers? - No, he has no comment. Let him speak for himself. Would you like to see the prime minister... out of power so you can continue exploiting cheap Malaysian workers? Hey, Mugatu! Screw you and your little dog too! Look out! She's got an egg! Oh, my God! Let go of me! Yes! Wow. I just can't tell you how much this means to me... to be the first recipient of this beautiful award. We have a serious problem on our hands, Maury. This Malaysian thing is getting out of hand. I hear you, Jaco. What this, the Slashie, mean... is you consider me the best actor slash model... and not the other way around. His proposed wage increase could ruin all of us. I need it taken care of soon. I have people to answer to. Now to the important stuff. These ain't no slashes, folks. These are the pure breeds. Here are the nominees for Male Model of the Year. Young, hot, brash. With more covers in his first year than any rookie model ever... and an attitude that says, "Who cares? It's only fashion." That Hansel's so hot right now. I hear a lot of words like "beauty" and "handsomeness"... and "incredibly chiseled features." To me, that's like a vanity, a self-absorption... that I try to steer clear of. I dig the bungee. For me, it's just the way I live my life. I grip it and I rip it. I live it with a lot of flair. I live it on the edge, where I gotta be. I wasn't like every other kid, who dreams about being an astronaut. I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music that he's created... I don't really listen to it. But the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot. Over the past decade... male modeling has had a shadow cast over it by one man... and five syllables... Der-ek Zoo-lan-der. Modeling, to me, isn't just about being good-looking... or having a lot of fun and being really, really good-looking. The calendar was great... because it gave people a chance to see a side of my versatility. The original Greek word for model means "misshapen ball of clay." and I try to think about that every time I get in front of a camera. Three-time Male Model of the Year. And the award goes to... Hansel. Thank you, Lenny. Wow! You know, a lot of people said winning this award... four years in a row couldn't happen. Well, I guess I showed... I think we've found our solution, Ballstein. No, not Derek. He's perfect, and you know it. Now make it happen. I stings me like a fissure in my ***, but you're right. He's ready. Who am I? I don't know. I guess I have a lot of things to ponder. Hey, the results are in, amigo! What's left to ponder? Nice comeback! I can't stand Hansel! I know, right? Riding in on that scooter like he's so cool. - And the way Hansel combs his hair. - Or, like, doesn't. It's like, "ex-squeeze" me, but have you ever heard of styling gel? I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel. He's a male model. Earth to Brint. I was making a joke. Earth to Meekus. Duh, okay? I knew that. Earth to Brint. I'm not so sure you did... 'cause you were all, "I'm sure he's heard of styling gel"... like you didn't know it was a joke. I knew it was a joke, Meekus. I just didn't get it right away. - Earth to Brint... - Would you guys stop it already! Did you ever think that maybe there's more to life... than being really, really, ridiculously good-looking? Maybe we should be doing something more meaningful with our lives. Like helping people. Uh, Derek, what people? I don't know. People who need help. Models help people. They make them feel good about themselves. They also show them how to dress cool... and wear their hair in interesting ways. I guess so. You know what could really help you sort through these important issues? What? Orange mocha frappuccino! Yeah! Come on, man! Come on! "Derek Zoolander: a model, idiot." - Brint! - Huh? Rufus, Brint and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean like an actual brother... but I mean it like the way black people use it... which is more meaningful, I think. If there's anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us... it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs... and stunning features... it doesn't mean that we can't die in a freak gasoline fight accident. So today, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to take this opportunity... to announce my retire... Hansel. He's so hot right now. I would like to take this oppor... People! I'd like to announce my retirement from the male modeling profession. What? I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being good-looking. And I plan on finding out what that is. Thank you. Mr. Mugatu! Mr. Mugatu! If I could just have a moment of your time, please, sir. Just one minute of your time, please, sir! - What do you want? - I'm trying to talk to Mugatu... but he's tougher to get to than the president. Oh, I thought you were gonna tell me what a bad "eugoogolizer" I am. A what? A "eugoogolizer." One who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a "eugoogoly" was? How could you have written those terrible things about me? Derek, my editor put that headline on it, okay? I'm sorry. I know it came off kind of harsh. Yeah, well, fortunately for you, not too many people I know... read your little Time magazine, or whatever it's called. Look, maybe you could do me a favor. All I'm trying to do is get some background information on Mugatu. Mugatu? If you knew anything... you know Mugatu's the one designer who's never hired me. Come on. There's gotta be... Sorry, lady. Not interested. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got an after funeral party to attend. Go back home? You're overreacting. I want to do something meaningful with my life, Maury. I have deeper thoughts on my mind. The other day, I was thinking about volunteering... to help teach underprivileged children to learn how to read. Just thinking about it was the most rewarding experience I've ever had. Derek, I don't think you're cut out for that kind of thing. I mean, maybe I could even have my own institute. We could call it the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good. What about us? We built this place together. Look out! Tushy squeeze! When I met you, you were a junior petite... who couldn't book a *** Sears catalog... and who couldn't turn left to save his ***. - Now look at you. - I can turn left! Yeah, right. Please. Some male models go left at the end of a runway... others go right. You got a lot of gifts, but hanging a louie just isn't one of them. Sit down! Hey, you want to hear some great news? Mugatu wants you for his new campaign. Didn't you hear me, Maury? I just retired. But this is Mugatu, Derek. Right now, this guy is so hot... he can take a crap, wrap it in tin foil... put a couple of fishhooks on it... and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings. Derek, you're the laughing stock of the entire fashion world. What do we do when we fall off the horse? We get back on. Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast. I'm going back home. I need to get in touch with my roots. Figure out who I am. See you around, Maury. Hey, Pop! It's me. Scrappy, Luke... you remember your brother, right? What do you want? I thought maybe I could work the mines with you guys. All the Zoolander men together again, like when we were kids. Times have changed. You wouldn't last one day down those coal pits. Can't you even pretend to be happy to see me, Pop? Damn it, Derek, I'm a coal miner, not a professional television actor. Do us all a favor and get out of here. Pop, wait, please! Give me a chance. I won't let you down. I promise. Hold very still. Very still. I'm working right now. This... - Ouch! - Oh, I'm sorry. Did my pin get in the way of your ***? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately... or get out of my building like now! Get out! I'm so tired! No, Todd, not now! It's Maury. Tell me something good. You may have to start looking for someone else. There is no one else. The show is in ten days, Ballstein. Jaco, I hear you, but the kid's mixed up. He went home. He's talking about going off to ponder... and tutoring underprivileged retards or some ***. I don't care what it takes. Get him back... We're running out of time. Capisce? Yeah, I capisce. Now if I could only "ca-***." My prostate's flaring up like a frickin' tiki torch. Give me a little pee-pee. Come on, a couple of drops. That's what I'm talking about! Surprise! What the hell's the matter with you? Pacheco back to pass. He's feeling pressure from Pressman. He's looking for his all-American John De Rosa, the wide receiver. He's got him wide open in the middle of the field. Big rush. Who's winning the match? Hits Kevin Conley, the tight end down in there. State. I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. It's not very well ventilated down there. For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in 30 years. Moisture is the essence of wetness... and wetness is the essence of beauty. Why'd you have to come back to this damn town? I wanted to make a new life for myself. I'm sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure. That my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse... than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it! All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, Pop. With what? Your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your wiener hanging out? You're dead to me, boy. You're more dead to me than your dead mother. I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid. Mer-man. Who am I? Hello? Derek, you hearing me? - God? - God? What the *** are you talking about? It's me. Maury. I hope you're finished touching your roots... because Mugatu's making you an offer you won't believe. You gotta get your tookus back here. Well, to tell you the truth, I was a little hesitant at first. I mean, you've never hired me before, and I've been around... For ages and ages. You've been around for a long time. I never wanted anything from you. And now that you're retired, I can't have you. And it's funny how it switches like that. But now the forbidden fruit must be tasted. Well, when Maury told me what you were willing to do, I... Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte? My mistake, Jacobim. Your mistake indeed! Yes, Derek. What Maury said I was willing to do for you. Let's get back to the reason that we're really here. Without much further ado, I give you... the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good. What is this? A center for ants? What? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read... if they can't even fit inside the building? - Derek, it's just a small... - I don't want to hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this. - He's absolutely right. - Thank you. I have a vision. And so do I. Let me show you mine. I can't help you, lady. I don't know nothing about Mugatu. But you've represented every male model in each of his campaigns. You must have some kind of a relationship with him. Even if I did, why would I talk to you? Shame on you how you picked on Derek Zoolander in that story. He's a sweet simpleton who never hurt a fly. Please don't change the subject, Mr. Ballstein. What about Mugatu's exploitation of sweatshop workers in Malaysia? - Do you have an opinion on that? - You wanna hear an opinion? With a push-up bra, you could have a nice rack of lamb going on there. Let me show you the future of fashion. Let me show you... Derelicte! It is a fashion, a way of life... inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants... the crack *** that make this wonderful city so unique. And I want you, Derek, to be the face... the image... nay, the spirit of Derelicte! It'll be your glorious comeback. Sounds cool. Derek, I'd like you to meet Katinka Ingabogovinana. She'll be your day-to-day on the campaign. Let's get this model on his way! The big show is in eight days, Derek. Like a caterpillar becomes a butterfly... so must you become Derelicte! So you want me to sleep in the gutter? No. We're sending you to a very exclusive day spa. So exclusive, no one knows about it. Our little secret, okay? - Matilda, hey. - Hey, Arch, what's up? Nothing. I've just been up for a few days... putting together these background articles on Mugatu you asked for. Very thorough, Archie. Thank you. It's weird. I couldn't get any info on him before 1995. It's like he just appeared out of the blue. - Really? That's strange. - Yeah. - Matilda Jeffries. - Keep pulling the sweater. - Excuse me? - Eventually the thing will unravel. You mean, if you pull the thread, the whole thing will unravel? Now you're talking, sister. If you want to know more, go to Pier 12. Things aren't what they seem. What kind of spa is this? It's designed for deep, deep relaxation. Come, let's get you loosened up. Good boy. Oh, I'm sorry. Matilda, what are you doing here? I was... What are you doing here, Derek? I thought you quit the business. Haven't you heard? I'm the new face of Mugatu's Derelicte campaign. What do you mean, Derek? You said Mugatu never hires you. Well, I guess he changed his mind. It's the world's biggest campaign. What is this? Who are you? This is private property. Nils! I suggest you and your Kmart Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit... stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander. How do you feel, Derek? When's the seaweed wrap? You shut up now. I want you to relax... and breathe deeply. Breathe deeply. - I like this song. - Of course you do. Welcome to your relaxation time. Let this wonderful '80s classic soothe you. Just a nice, warm, happy time. Happy, happy. Nothing to worry about at all. Just relax. Hey there, Derek. My name is Lil'Kleatus. I'm just a kid who wants you to know the truth about child labor laws. They're silly and outdated. In the good old days... kids as young as five could work as they pleased... from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hooray! But today, the age-old right of children to work is under attack. From the Philippines to Bangladesh, in China and India... and South America too. But you can help these children, Derek... by killing the prime minister of Malaysia. - He is bad. - What? You learn martial arts. Prime minister of Malaysia bad! Martial arts good! Kill naughty man! Obey my dog! On the runway, you have one objective. Do not be distracted by the beautiful celebrities. Do as you've been trained to do and kill the Malaysian prime minister! Karate chop! Bad, man! Awful man! In your little blue suit and your spiky black hair. Kill! And you're a super-hot ninja machine! - Derek, are you in there? - Hold your horses! - Derek, please open the door! - What a cuckoo dream. - What? - Hey, are you okay? I've been trying to reach you for a week. A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum. That was last Friday. Earth to Matilda. I was at a day spa. Day. D-A-I-Y-E. Okay? Look, I think I know what this is about... and I'm very complimented but not interested. - What? - I can't sleep with you, okay? - My head is killing me and... - What are you talking about? Okay, if you just want to fool around a little bit... Hey, I don't want to sleep with you! I've been trying to tell you you've been missing for a week. Would you look at the date. Mugatu's Derelicte show is tomorrow night. I don't care what the date says. You have 1,200 messages. That is a bit above average. - Derek, what happened in that spa? - I don't know. A little massage, some aromatherapy. I mean, look, lady, you can't just come barging into people's lofts... wanting sex, then changing your mind... then telling them that they've been in a day spa for a week... You have been in a day spa for a week. So what? Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you... and your "do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives"... so long as you can make a name for yourself as a journalist... no matter how many friends you lose... or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way... just so long as you can make a name for yourself as a journalist... no matter how many friends you lose... or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way? I told you I was sorry about that article. Enough! My head hurts! And if it indeed is what day you claim it is... I have a pre-runway party to attend, if you'll excuse me. - By the way... - What? With your complexion... you really shouldn't be wearing your hair pulled back that tight. What are you talking about? It pulls back the skin on your forehead... creating a tension which clogs the pores. That's why you have some light pattern dryness around your scalp. Do you mind? Cool. I do not like snoopy reporter with lack of fashion sense. Not one little bit. Hey, I just E-mailed you all those searches... on the male models who've appeared in Mugatu campaigns. It's pretty weird. It seems like all of Mr. Mugatu's models... have a bad habit of dying young in freak accidents. What? - Wait a second. - What? - Oh, ***. I gotta go. - What's going on? I don't want to hang out, okay? I just need to speak with Derek Zoolander, please! I just thought the way you handled losing that award to Hansel... and then you sort of laid low for a while... and then made your comeback... It was so courageous. Look, I gotta go pee... but I'd really like to continue talking about this conversation. Yeah. - Everything cool, Derek? - It's great, Biff. Thank you. Hey, Derek. You rule. Thanks, Paris. I appreciate that. - Hey, Derek. - Hey, Maurice. - Hey, my man. - What's happening? Derek, back on top, man. Thanks, Billy. You rock. No, you rock. When are you gonna drop Magnum on us, buddy? Not yet. Gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage. - Excuse me, bra. - You're excused. And I'm not your bra. Whatever, dude. Whatever. Peace. God bless. Hey, Hansel, I'm sorry you didn't get Mugatu's Derelicte campaign. Maybe next time. What's that? Mugatu's Derelicte campaign. Sorry you didn't book it. Oh, yeah? I've never even heard of it. Me and my friends have been too busy bathing off of St. Barts... with spider monkeys for the past two weeks. Tripping on acid changed our whole perspective on ***. So I guess you can "dere-lick" my balls, capitan. Would you hold this for me? I can "dere-lick" my own balls, thank you very much. You think you're too cool for school. But I got a news flash for you, Walter Cronkite. You aren't. Who are you trying to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco? Hey, I got a wacky idea. What say we settle this on the runway... Han-solo? Stop it. Are you challenging me to a walk-off... Boo-lander? Don't do this, Derek. Listen to your friend Billy Zane. He's a cool dude. He's trying to help you out. Oh, yeah. That's a walk-off challenge, my friend. Ten minutes. Old Members Only warehouse. You oughta remember that. You're a dinosaur. Let's go. Open up. I heard some mad stories about this kid. He's too limber. Put a cork in it, Zane! It's a walk-off. This is urgent, ma'am. Do you have any... Hey, Matilda. What is this? Where is everyone going? Good luck, Derek! Kick Hansel's ***! Thanks, Rico. I'll try. You want to see the real world of male modeling? The one they don't show you in magazines or the E Channel? Yeah, I guess. Derek, please. I have something really important to talk to you about. Not now, Matilda. Han-sell-out is about to have his Han-sell-***... handed to him on a platter with french-fried potatoes. Katinka, thought you might want to know... your boy Zoolander's rolling. It's a walk-off. All right, who's gonna call this sucker? If nobody has any objections... I believe I might be of service. Now, this'll be a straight walk-off, old school rules. First model walks, second model duplicates, then elaborates. Okay, boys, let's go to work. Age before beauty, goat cheese. Whatever. Right. Playskool, baby. You gotta cut me. I can't see. I'm blind out there. Evian. It's okay. - Where am I? - It's okay. - Kickin', Hoss. - I'm going monk. I gotta go monk. Prayer. Pray to the Great Spirit. Do it, Hansel. Why is he sticking his hand in his pants? Do it, Hansel. - That's what I'm talking about. - Derek, you're not a kid anymore. You could hurt yourself out there. I can do this, Tyson. Thank God I wore underwear today. He's going for it. Oh, my God. Disqualified. - Derek, come on. - Come on. - Derek, come on. - Come on. What's going on? I think Katinka wants to kill you. Good. I deserve to die if I can't beat Han-suck-*** in a walk-off. Derek, that's not true. The guy had to pull his underwear out of his butt just to beat you. And all he had to do was turn left. What do you mean? I'm not an ambi-turner. It's a problem I had since I was a baby. I can't turn left. Derek, that's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who can't turn... There have got to be some people out there, just like you... who can't turn... turn left. If you want answers, come to Saint Adonis Cemetery now. - Wait! Who are you? - Who was that? I'm not sure. I have to get to Saint Adonis Cemetery. I'm gonna take you to my apartment. You can stay there until I get back. Can I come with? I don't want to be alone tonight. "Pedro Scialfa." He died when he was 29. "Vin Correjo." "Derriere Extraordinaire." Ninety-two minus sixty-three. None of them ever made it past 30. I did. Who are you? It's not important. Are you a ghost? He called, Derek. Let's take a walk. You think Zoolander's in trouble? Think again. What you've stumbled upon goes way deeper than you could ever fathom. The fashion industry has been behind... every major political assassination over the last 200 years. And behind every hit, a card-carrying male model. Okay, that's impossible. Oh, yeah? Listen and learn, sweetness. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? But who do you think made the powdered wigs and leg stockings... worn by our country's early leaders? Mugatu! Slaves, Derek. Without their free labor, prices would have gone up tenfold. So the powers that be hired John Wilkes Booth... the original model/actor, to do Mr. Lincoln in. I'll go on. Dallas, Texas, 1963. Kennedy had just put a trade embargo on Cuba... ostensibly halting the shipment of Cuban-manufactured slacks. Incredibly popular item at the time. Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model. You're *** right he wasn't. But those two lookers... who capped Kennedy from the grassy knoll sure as *** were. Well, what about you? How do you fit in to all this? This nation was swept... I'll get it, ma'am. I can't get over... Wait a minute. I know that hand. It was in the fall 1973 Bulova watch catalog. You're J.P. Prewitt. The world's greatest hand model. Once upon a time. But things change. Thanks to this homemade hyperbaric chamber... my sweet baby never did. Let's keep moving. And that's when I found out I was in line to assassinate Jimmy Carter. - So, how'd you manage to escape? - Because I'm a hand model, mama. A finger jockey. We don't think the same as the face and body boys. - We're a different breed. - So why male models? Think about it, Derek. Male models are genetically constructed to become assassins. They're in peak physical condition. They can gain entry to the most secure places in the world. And most important of all, models don't think for themselves. - They do as they're told. - That is not true. Yes it is, Derek. Yeah. Think about any photo shoot you've ever been on. You're a monkey, Derek! Dance, monkey, in your little spangly shoes! Mash your cymbals, chimpy! Dance, Derek, dance! Good point. But if this has been going on for so long, Mugatu... He's just a punk-*** errand boy... working for an international syndicate of fashion designers. You do a little background check on your Mr. Mugatu. You'll find he sold his soul to the devil for a shot at the big time. But why male models? Are you serious? I just... I just told you that a moment ago. Right. You're a killing machine, Derek. They've programmed you. But I won't do it. I won't kill anybody. It's not up to you. At the proper moment, they'll trigger you. Usually using an auditory or visual Pavlovian response mechanism. - "Audi-what-ey"? - And when it's over... What? There's an after party? Derek, get down! You gotta get to Maury Ballstein's computer. He recorded everything in case they ever turned on him. Derek, get a grip! Good luck to you, Derek. I've always been a fan of Blue Steel. And I hear Magnum is gonna blow us all away. Come on! - Get out of here. - Hang in there, J.P. You freakin' idiot! Man, that was close. I can't believe Maury's in on it too. That she-male Katinka's not messing around. You're telling me! For a second there... I thought someone was gonna be reading our "eugoogoly." Okay, all right, we need a place to hide. Where's the last place anyone would ever expect to look for you? I don't know. Think, okay? This is important! I hate Hansel! Hansel, Hansel! Everywhere I look! Hansel! Were you looking for a rematch? Excuse me, Hansel. I don't think there's an easy way to put this... so I am just gonna lay it out. Derek has been brainwashed... to kill the prime minister of Malaysia. And? And we need a place to hide until we figure this whole thing out. Derek said this would be the last place anyone would look for him. Yeah, you're cool to hide here. But first, me and him gotta straighten some *** out. Fine. Why you been acting so messed up towards me? Why you been acting so messed up towards me? Well, you go first. I don't know. Maybe I felt a little threatened or something... 'cause your career is kind of just blossoming... and mine's kind of winding down or whatever. And I felt like, "This guy's really hurting me"... and it hurt. And I felt like when you told me to "dere-lick" my balls... that really hurt. Maybe I was scared, man. You're Derek Zoolander! Yeah, you're Derek Zoolander. You know what it's like to be another model in Zoolander's shadow? You want to hear something crazy? Your work... in the winter '95 International Male catalog... made me want to be a model. I freakin' worship you, man. I'm sorry I was whack. I was whack. I was whack. So welcome to chez Hansel. You're welcome to hide out here as long as you want. Well, there isn't much time. The show's tomorrow night. We have to figure out a plan by then. I'll round up the troops here. Hey, what's up, y'all? This is Derek and Matilda. Derek, you know Natani and Chloe. We got Buzzy Sullivan, big wave surfer from Maverick's. Hey, bra. Oh, this is this fantastic band, the Little Kings... I met when I was ice sailing in Finland. That's my Sherpa, Lapsang. Hey, everybody! Listen up for a second. Derek and Matilda are hiding 'cause some dudes brainwashed Derek... to off the prime minister of Micronesia. - Malaysia. - Right. So, they're gonna be hiding here. Let's show them a good time. - Right on! - All right, come on, over here. Oh, hey, Ennui, will you do me a favor? Will you get me some of that tea that me and Lapsang got... when we were climbing the Mayan ruins? This is really strong tea. No, it's just right. Trust me. What with all the intrigue you guys have been dealing with. You know, Matilda, I'm surprised you're so worried about "Der-rock." From that article that I read, it seems like... you don't really care too much about guys in our line of work. Why do you hate models, Matilda? - Honestly? - Yes. I think they're vain, stupid... and incredibly self-centered. I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models? Sweet. Okay, but seriously, Matil. Is it all right if I call you Matil? What's the deal, yo-yo? You're not telling us everything. There's something else, isn't there? You guys really want to know the truth? - Yeah. - Then I'm gonna tell you the truth. When I was in seventh grade... I was the fat kid in my class. All right, forget it. - No. - Dude, be cool tonight. Come on. I'm sorry. Please, go ahead. My mistake. I was the one that all the pretty girls used to make fun of. It was an awkward phase. Anyway... every day after school, I would come home and... you know, I'd flip through the pages of my mom's Vogue and Glamour. And I just... I'd look at these women... these perfect, beautiful... just unbelievable, skinny women. I just couldn't... Oh, I couldn't understand why I didn't look like them. I just didn't get it. So, um... So I became... What? Bulimic. You can read minds? It's when you throw up after every meal. See, this is exactly what you models do to people. You make them feel bad about themselves. So what? I throw up after lots of meals. So do I. It's a great way to lose pounds before a show. Are you guys insane? Do you understand? It's a disease. How'd that affect you with guys? Did they not want to get busy? - Good point. - Oh. Okay. You know what? I'm not gonna sit here with both of you and discuss my sex life or... Or lack thereof. Ooh, you mean, like, like you, like you... - Haven't really done it... - You haven't done it... Done it in a while, yeah. Okay, what's a while? Like, eight days? More? Oh, try a couple years. - Oh! - Oh, snap! How do you live? Seriously. Do you service yourself ten times a day? - End of discussion! - Easy. Okay, hold on. - Easy, easy. - I'm not comfortable talking... Easy. This has been an emotional day for all of us. I think we should get naked. What? Don't ask questions. Just give in to the power of the tea. So I'm repelling down Mount Vesuvius... when suddenly I slip and I start to fall. I mean, I'm about to die. Hot bread, Zeke. Just falling... I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I remember, "Holy ***. Hansel... haven't you been smoking *** for six straight days? And couldn't some of this, maybe, be in your mind?" And? It was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius. Cool story, Hansel. Thanks, Olaf. Dude, how dope was last night? I mean, the soil room. Dirt was flying. You couldn't see anything. It was like, whoa, who's that? - Who's this? - I think I'm falling for Matilda. Dude, I wasn't gonna say anything... but it was crazy energy flying back and forth between you guys. It was like, whoa, look out! There was a moment last night... when she was between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesman... - Oh, yeah. - Where I thought... "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman." Really? What do you call that? I think you call that love, D-Bone. So what time is it? - Almost 5:00. - What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys... Whoa, easy. How about a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak fest last night"? - Hello? - Hello? Oh, hi, Katinka. Uh, no, I just had a really late party night last night. - Derek, hang up the phone now! - Where am I? - I have to go! See you at 7:00. - Hang up! Derek, I thought I told you to turn off your phone. Turn off my phone? Turn off my phone? - Yeah. - Earth to Matilda. This phone is as much a part of me as... You know what? Can we cut it out with all the "Earth to's," please? We're not actually saying this is the Earth calling you, Matilda. Yeah. No, I got that. I understand you don't literally mean... Uh, no, I don't think you do. Listen. It's not like we think we're actually in a control tower... trying to reach outer space aliens or something, okay? Hello. - Oh, snap! - A joke. Instead of doing that, I'm gonna try to figure out a way into Maury's... before Derek assassinates a world leader. Wait. I have an idea. They'll be looking for us at Maury's, right? But they won't be looking for not us. What are you talking about? Hansel, do you have a cosmetics case? Sure, I mean, just for touch-ups or whatever. What are you gonna do with that? That'll do. Early in my career... I used to do my own makeup styling and tailoring. If I can create a basic disguise for us... we may just be able to sneak into Maury's, undetected. You is talkin' loco, and I like it. Welcome to Derelicte. Hansel calling Matil. We have entry. Repeat. - We have entry. - Okay, guys. I hear you. Now, once you get the info, I want you to E-mail it to my office. I'll download the files, and we'll take the information to the police. We hear you loud and clear. Listen, Matil. I've been thinking a lot about that bulimia thing. And I want you to know I understand where you're coming from. I feel really bad that good-looking people like us... made you throw up and feel bad about yourself. For serious. - Thanks, Derek. Now, hurry up. - Okay. I got the results on the name check you asked for on Jacobim Mugatu. - Or should I say Jacob Moogberg. - What? He changed his name when he went into the fashion business. Apparently, the guy was the original guitar synth player... for that band Frankie Goes to Hollywood, but he got kicked out... before they hit it big with that song "Relax." After Frankie gave him the heave-ho, he held a series of odd jobs until... get this... he invented... the piano key necktie in 1985. The guy's been a fashion designer ever since. First obstacle. You ever use one of these? I don't think so. Watch out. Watch... Fix that hem, Jason. Please. I need... Katinka! He's not here yet, Jacobim. - That little toad-face better show. - He will show. Good, because I'm a hot little potato right now. There must be an "on" button somewhere. Did you press that apple thing? Wait! Hansel! Let's not lose our cool. Then we're no better than the machine. It's almost 7:00. I gotta go. No! Derek. Der, wait. If you go, they'll make you kill that Eurasian dude. I don't care, Hansel. I've never been late for a show in my life. I don't plan on starting now. Damn it, you're right. Do me a favor. If anything happens to me, give this to Matilda. - Oh, no. - Please, Hansel. Take it. Please. - Ah, man. - Take it. Let's just say I'll hold on to it till you get back. Go! We're live at the Derelicte show... where controversial designer Jacobim Mugatu... has extended the olive branch to Malaysian Prime Minister Hassan... making him the guest of honor at tonight's show. And starring in that show, veteran supermodel Derek Zoolander. Guys, what's happening? Did you find the files? Matilda, we've got problems. Derek's already left for the show. No. No, he can't. We don't even know what the trigger is. He just went running out of here. I couldn't stop him. - I'll call him on his phone. - He doesn't have it. - What? - Yeah, he doesn't have it. What are you talking about? He always has it. - No, he gave it to me. - Did you find the files? I don't even know what they... What do they look like? They're in the computer. They're in the computer? Yeah, they're definitely in there. I don't know how he labeled them. - I got it. - You gotta figure it out. We're running out of time. Find them and meet me at the show. Roger. In the computer. It's so simple. Hey, I just cut up a couple of cantaloupe halves... with some cottage cheese, if you're hungry. Not the right time. I need to figure out this trigger... before Derek kills the Malaysian prime minister. You just seem a little tense. I was trying to help you relax. Relax? The last thing I need to do right now is rela... - That's it. - Let's go, people! Let's go! Vagrants and ***, you're wanted in Makeup! Runaways and street hustlers, you're next! - You had us worried, Derek. - Everything's cool. - I'm really psyched for the show. - Good. Just remember, relax. Two minutes, Derek. Ah, there he is. I just want to wish you good luck. Don't you mean "good-bye"? What are you talking... I know it was you, Maury. I know it was you... and it breaks my heart. Derek, I don't know what you're talking... Derek, I'm... I'm sorry. Glad you could join us, Kmart. Lucky for you, there is no dress code. I am vile spew... of the wretched masses. I am really, really dirty. I am Derelicte! You make me sick to my stomach, Jaco. It'll all be over soon. Derek Zoolander will be dead, and you'll be fine. You always are. Come on, Derek. You're on. Break a leg, Derek. It's "Relax"! I'm fine. I've done this a thousand times. The trigger! It's "Re"... Concentrate, Derelicte. Do not be distracted by the beautiful celebrities. Celebrities. Do what you've been trained to do, and kill the prime minister! Just do it already! I got your back! What? It's that damn Hansel! He's so hot right now! Popping and locking, fool! They're break-dance fighting. Derek Zoolander just tried to kill the prime minister of Malaysia. That's ***! Listen up, everyone. Mugatu's a ***! He tried to brainwash Derek to kill the Claymation dude. That's a lie! Zoolander snapped because he's over the hill! He knew his career was over, and he couldn't face it. No way. We got 30 years of files right here in this computer! They're gonna bring you down! Oh, no. Down! Where did all the files go? Ha! I'm taking you out! - Yo, taste my pain, ***! - Huh? - Yes! - Deal with that! You don't have the guts, Kmart! Wanna bet? And by the way... you were wrong about my outfit. It's the Cheryl Ladd Collection, and I got it at J.C. Penney. On sale. Jig's up, Mugatu. Everything they're saying is true. I've been in on it for 30 years. What are you doing, Ballstein? I'm done, Jaco. I got a prostate the size of a honeydew... and a head full of bad memories. It's time to set things straight. You have no evidence. Han-stupid destroyed everything. I got two words for you, sugar... Zip disk. The whole thing is in my den in Long Island. I can have that evidence here in 20 minutes. - That a boy, Maury. - Hold on a second. I'm afraid of the radiation. Sheila, honey, it's me. Listen. I need you to bring that Zip disk in the den down to the fashion show. I don't care what the traffic is like. Take the *** service road and get off before the bridge. So put it in one of those Tupperware containers... and I'll heat it up in the microwave when I get home. For Christ's sake, it's a casserole, Sheila! It'll stay! Shut up! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're the same face! Doesn't anyone notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie! I invented it! What have you done, Derek? Nothing! You've done nothing! Nothing! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I have you ruin this for me! Because if you can't get the job done, then I will! Die, you wage-hiking ***! One look? One look? I don't think so! There it is! Magnum! Holy moly. Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waiting for! Dear God. It's beautiful. Yeah! That's my kid. That's my son. Whoa! Yeah! I love that kid. Dumb as a stump, but I love him. Oh, Derek, you did it! That was amazing! I know. I turned left! Yeah, that too. But you saved the prime minister of Malaysia! Oh, right. Cool. Thank you, Derek Zoolander, for saving my life. Hi, I'm former male supermodel Derek Zoolander. Here, at the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good... and Who Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too... we teach students of all ages... everything they need to know to learn to be a professional model... and a professional human being. Our diverse faculty includes business management teacher... and former model agent Maury Ballstein. The designer's got your nuts in a vise... offering you ten million plus three percent... of every pair of underwear sold. What are you gonna do? Screw him! Hold out for more! That's what I'm talking about! So join now, because at the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids... Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too... we teach you that there's more to life... than just being really, really, really good-looking. - Right, kids? - Right! And cut! - Looks great. I think we got it. - All right, Mitch. Thanks. - All right! That's a wrap! - Hey, Hansel. I'm gonna take these kids over to the George Washington Bridge... give them a little lesson in base jumping. - Catch you at the teacher's lounge? - All right. All right, guys. Last one to the helicopter's a rotten egg. Let's go! - There's Daddy! Hi. - Hey. - How's Derek, Jr? - He's great. Guess what. He made his first look today. - Really? - You wanna show Daddy your look? Wow. - Wanna hang out for story hour? - Great. Yeah. Let's go. - Hey, who wants to hear a story? - Yeah!