The Mask - English Transcript

Got another one coming down, Mike. Hang on a sec. Huh? Hey! Aah! I got those... concert tickets you wanted. Oh, you're kidding? For Friday night? Stanley, this is great. Oh, yeah. What time should I pick you up? Well, see, here's the thing. My very best girlfriend just came into town. She'd die to go to this, so could we get an extra ticket for her? Ooh. They're out. They're sold out. That means there's no more. Oh. I just can't let her sit home all alone. Look, I'll tell you what. Why don't you just go with your friend? Oh, Stanley, I couldn't do that. No. Come on. Stanley, you are the nicest guy. Really, you are. Yeah? Charlie, isn't Stanley the nicest guy? The best. Ohh. That was the most sickening display I've ever seen. I disagree. I think I'm wearing her down. Buddy, you know what you need? You need a little change of pace. Tonight I'm going to take you on a love safari, deep into the darkest heart of the urban jungle. Tell me more, Bwana. The Coco Bongo club. Hottest new joint in town. Only the crème de la crme need apply. So how do we get in? What, are you kidding? Leave it to me. Trust me, buddy... this is going to be the perfect night on the town. [THUNDER] Hold the phone. Killer at 3:00. Stand back... and observe. Excuse me. Where can I open a new account? New accounts, right here. You're lucky you caught me. Could you hold this, please? I will hold anything you want. Thank you. Can you help me? Ohh. So... What kind of account do you have in mind? Well, I'm not sure exactly. You see, I'm just... terrible with things like that. That's an interesting tie, Mister... Ipkiss. Stanley Ipkiss. Tina Carlyle. Pleased to meet you. The pleasure's all mine. May I? May you what? I'm such a mess. Oh, of course. That's what they're there for. As I was saying about that tie, it kind of reminds me of one of those, what do you call it? Inkblot tests. Rorschach test. Right. You know, it sort of looks like, um... a young woman riding bareback, sort of a... lady Godiva or something. Of course. What do you see, Mr. Ipkiss? Um... I... I... I don't know. [WHISTLES] [GAGS] Uh... Bright colors. It... it's a power tie. It's supposed to make you feel... powerful. Does it work? Now, uh... How... how about that account, huh? Uh, we have, uh, several different plans... savings... Checking, savings and checking, CDs, savings and CDs, checking and CDs, savings, checking, and CDs, T-bills. Or we could just take all your money, throw it in a big mattress back there. Ha ha! [CAMERA LENS FOCUSING] Now, I have some forms you'll have to fill out. [BANGING] That's it, sweetheart. Now just a little bit to the right. Beautiful. Will you guys keep it down back there? No problem. So what do you think? Well, it's not bad, but them motion detectors are a pain in the ***. You can pull this off, right? Hey, you talking to the doctor. I do have one question. Which is... What does Niko have to say about all this? Nothing. This ain't his grift, man. Get real, man. Everything is his grift. He owns you, he owns this club, he owns this whole stinking town. Things change. You mess with Niko, you end up taking a dirt nap. He's the only one who's napping. And I'm about to give him a serious wake-up call. But we need some cash, so first we take the bank, then we take Niko, and then, my friend, school is out... And this whole city is our playground. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [HORN HONKS] Uhh! Watch where you're going! [HONK HONK] [OPERA MUSIC PLAYS] [DRILL BUZZES] Hello? Hello? Hang on! Hang on! Don't get your *** in a twist, would ya? Hey, Burt, what the hell is this? Oh, I don't know. Uh... about 700 bucks, Irv. Uh, now, uh... what can I do for you? I'm, uh, here for the Civic. The brake drums are shot, and you need a new transmission. What? All I wanted was an oil change. You're lucky you caught these problems now before they cause serious trouble. Sign, uh, right here and press down hard. There's no price. There will be. I don't have a car. I have to have a car tonight. Irv! Yo! Bring around... The loaner. The loaner? The loaner? ♪ Yeah, bartender ♪ I got a lover, but it's not what it seems ♪ ♪ She poured me a drink ♪ You know what I mean ♪ Don't mix it up, give me straight ♪ [TIRES SCREECH] [ENGINE BACKFIRES] [COUGHS] Eww! Eww! It's a classic. [METAL JANGLING] Hi. Charlie. Stanley. Gals, I want you to meet my buddy Stanley Ipkiss, humongo in the banking business. Ha ha ha! Not really. What do you say we get in this joint, huh? Yo, Bobby. How you doing, buddy? It's Charlie. Hey, Charlie, how ya doing? How are ya? Long time no see. Good to see you. O.K., then. Come on, gals. See y'all inside. Ooh. Bobby? Uh, Charlie. Charlie! Charlie! It's a mistake. Hey, hey. Whoa! You crossed the rope. Never cross the rope. No, but my friends are... Lose him. Hey, come on now, guys. Watch it! I'm a bleeder! Put me down right now, or I'm never coming back here. Ohh! Thanks. Aw, jeez. Mr. Ipkiss. Hi. Hi. [TIRES SCREECH] You O.K.? Me? Oh... I'm great. Really good. I just never felt better, really. I... I'm just, uh... catching some air out here. Your car, sir. That's not my car. It matches the ticket. All right. I'll take it. But I am very angry! Do you believe this? You drive in in a Porsche... [ENGINE SPUTTERING] [ENGINE BACKFIRES] [ENGINE RATTLES] [ENGINE DIES] [TRYING IGNITION] Oh... gee! [THUD] Ow! Aah! [HISS] Aah! Ugh! God! [THUNDER] Hey! Hey, mister! Hold on! I know CPR. Hey, you! What are you doing down there? Uh... I'm... just looking for... My mask! I got it! [SLOSH SLOSH SLOSH] Ipkiss! Do you have any idea what time it is? Actually, no. [GASPS] My new carpet! Well, this is coming right out of your security deposit, Ipkiss. You know, Mrs. Peenman... What? Nothing. Well, that's what you are, Ipkiss... a big nothing! Aren't you due back at the laboratory to get your bolts tightened? I should have said that. [SLOSH SLOSH] [ARF ARF ARF] Hey, you. Why, hello. You know you're not supposed to jump up. It's against doggie ordinance. O.K. [BOING] [WOLF WHISTLE] [AWOO] [WHISTLING] [HONK HONK] What do you want? You want me to throw that? I'm very tired. O.K. I'll throw it one time. I ain't gonna throw it with you attached to it. Ow. You ready? Git it! Ipkiss! Turn down those cartoons! All right, Mrs. Peenman! WOMAN: I say don't bother. I kind of think that I... So, Dr. Neuman, you're saying that everybody wears a mask? That's correct, Wendy. We all wear masks, metaphorically speaking. We suppress the id, our darkest desires, and adopt a more socially acceptable image. The book is, of course, the masks we wear, by Dr. Arthur Neuman. Thank you so much for being with us. [GROWLING] What's the matter with you? [WHIMPERING] What is it? What are you looking for, huh? You like this thing? You like it? The masks we wear. That's correct, Wendy. We all wear masks... metaphorically speaking. Yeah, right. Uh! [MOANING] Ssssmokin'! It's party time. P-A-R-T... Y? Because I... gotta! Shh. [GIGGLING AND RINGING] [RING] Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey. Ha ha ha ha ha! [SCREECHING] Ooh hoo hoo hoo hoo! Snooooze. Aah! Ahh ha ha ha ha! Ooh hoo hoo hoo ha! [MUFFLED] Uh-oh. Look, ma, I'm road kill! Ha ha ha! [HONK] [HONK HONK HONK] Get out of the road! I think he wants to communicate. [HONK HONK] [BAH-HOOOOOOO-YAH] Heh heh heh heh. Hey, mister! You got the time? As a matter of fact, I do, cubby. You wanna take him? [TICK TICK TICK] Look at that! It's exactly two seconds before I honk your nose and pull your underwear over your head. [SQUEAK] Oof! Come on! Take him! Come on! Step right up here! Don't be shy. Nobody likes a bashful leatherhead! Move it! For my first trick... I'm going to do something for you, son. We have... a giraffe! There ya go, son. Now, get outta here. You're bothering me. Thanks. Wow! Now... sorry. Wrong pocket. WOMAN: Ha ha ha. For you, son... a little body English. A French poodle. [POP] Sorry, son. The dog was rabid. Had to put it down. And last but not least, my favorite! A tommy gun! [MEOW ROOOW] This is incredible. With these powers, I could be... a superhero! I could fight crime, protect the innocent, work for world peace! But first... [CRASH] Hold on to your lug nuts! It's time for an overhaul! What's that? It was a dream. Ha ha ha. It was a dream. I gotta lay off the cartoons. [KNOCK ON DOOR] Ipkiss? Stanley Ipkiss? Yes. Lieutenant Kellaway. City Precinct. Do you know anything about the disturbance last night? Dis... turbance? Yeah. Some kind prowler broke in and attacked Mrs. Peenman. Attacked? You didn't hear anything? She unloaded a couple of rounds of 20-odd buckshot 5 feet from your door. Look at the floor! See that? He put that right in my floor, then he jumped out the window, officer! This is... impossible. Those pajamas are impossible. This actually happened. Uh, see, I have, uh... an inner ear problem. Sometimes I can't hear anything. That a fact? Eh? Here's my card. If you remember anything unusual about last night, anything at all, call me. You betcha. Thank you. And, uh, good luck, uh... crackin' the case. Oh, my God. I'm late! Keys. Keys. Where are the keys? Damn. Milo! Get the keys. Get 'em. Find 'em. Get the keys! [THUD] Ow! Jeez. I am so late. [ARF] Good boy. Good boy! Come on, boy. Give them to me. Drop it. Easy. Watch the bump! I want a proctologist standing by. What? You heard me. The best one you can find. I'm with The Evening Star. Can you tell me what happened? No, and you can quote me. It looks like a mob tactic. There it is, boys. She broke the case. Get these rubbernecks out of here. Officer, please. Can you tell us, sir... Hey, Stan. Stan, Stan! Where were you last night? The girls and I were looking all over for you. Did you happen to look outside... in the gutter? You check the morning paper? Your girlfriend got a great review. Ipkiss, you're 40 minutes late. That's the same as stealing. I'm sorry, Mr. Dickey. It'll never happen again. I've been a... jerk. Well, if you weren't busy oogling girlie pictures, you might actually get some work done around here. Uh, sir, she's a prospective client of Stanley's. Oh, really? Well... The next time she comes in, you be sure to send her to my office. Oh ho. You betcha. Gee, I wish my daddy owned a bank... then I could be a rich little creep, too. You think she'll ever come back, Charlie? Oh, man. Forget her. Stanley, listen to me. A girl like that is always looking for the B.B.D.... the bigger, better deal. You don't know that. She's an artist. She's sensitive. Stanley, forget her. That girl will tear out your heart, put it in a blender, and hit "frapee." You don't need her, man. You need somebody a little more down to earth, somebody with some integrity, somebody with... red hair... and full pouting lips, a white blouse, a green jacket, and a name tag. Boy, you really narrowed it down. Too bad she's already taken. Hel-lo there. May I be of some assistance? Stanley Ipkiss? Oh. Hi. I'm Peggy Brandt from The Tribune. Oh. Hi. Look, I canceled my subscription because they kept stealing my paper from... Oh, no, no. Actually, I just want to ask you a few questions. Really? About what? Ripley auto finishing. You're a customer of theirs, aren't you? Me? No. I don't even have a car. You know, 'cause they... pollute. You don't own an '89 civic? Oh, that car. Yeah. Uh... yeah. It's all coming back to me. Miss, uh, what is your name? Peggy Brandt. Wait a minute. Peggy Brandt? Of Ask Peggy? Yeah. That's right. You printed one of my letters last year. Remember? Nice Guys Finish Last. You're Mr. Nice Guy? Yes! Oh, Stanley. Do you realize how much mail we got about that letter? There are hundreds of women out there looking for a guy just like you. Really? Yeah! Do you know how hard it is to find a decent man in this town? Most of them think monogamy is some kind of wood. So, uh... why are you covering this story? Because Dear Peggy pays ***. I'm starving to death. I'm looking to become a real reporter. Look, Stanley, when you were at Ripley auto, did you see anything suspicious? I won't make trouble for you. I just want the truth. God, I wish I knew the truth. You know? I really do. No. Well, if you think of anything, this is my number. This is my, you know, personal number. You really think hundreds of women are looking for a guy like me? Sure. I'm one of 'em. Bye. [BLIP BLIP BLIP BLIP] [COMPUTER'S VOICE] 120 yards. Hello, Dorian. Thanks for dropping by. Yeah, well, next time why don't you call, all right? Leave the delivery boys at home. Ha ha ha ha ha. The cops, uh... tried to shut the club down this morning. They say you've been using the place to run your own small-time scams. I hear things like that, I start losing my concentration, and my game... it goes straight to hell. You could, too. Ah! 205 yards. I'm fed up with you, Dorian. But... I'm going to cut you a break... One week to get out of town. After that... I'll use your empty little skull to break in my new 9-iron. ♪ See you lookin' ♪ She's a work of art ♪ But nothing can save you ♪ ♪ From your own heart ♪ Ba da ba da do ♪ Ba do ba do ba do Mr. Ipkiss. Hi. Hi. You O.K.? Your car, sir. I am now. ♪ I'm just a ba-by ♪ Nobody ever helps me ♪ Somebody save me ♪ I'm just a baby ♪ When there's business in love ♪ ♪ Da da da do do da... Tina, come on. [WHIMPERING] You can't. Ahh. Milo. Oh, go on. Oh. I don't believe it. Stupid. She would never... No way. [ARF ARF] Hold on, sugar. Daddy's got a sweet tooth tonight! Ha ha ha! Ooh! Sssomebody stop me! Uh-oh. Can't make the scene if you don't have the green. I'd better make a little stop. How's it going, Freeze? Lookin' good here, my man. O.K. You boys are on your own now. I got to get downstairs and make sure I'm seen. Do it. The doctor is about to operate. [DRILLING] Sorry, fellas. Waste not, want not. Cops! You're not on the list, you're not in the club, all right? [HORN PLAYS "CALL TO POST"] Whoa! Oh! Whoa! How do? Whoa! Uh... Are you on the list? Uh, nooooo.... But I believe my friends are. Perhaps you know them... Franklin, Grant, and... Jackson. Stay back. Nobody's getting in. And we present to you the most beautiful flower of the Coco Bongo, Miss Tina Carlyle. [APPLAUSE] Beautiful. ♪ Love makes me treat you ♪ The way that I do ♪ Gee, baby ♪ Ain't I good to you? ♪ There's nothing too good ♪ For a boy, that's so true ♪ ♪ Gee, baby ♪ Ain't I good to you? ♪ I bought you a fur coat for Christmas ♪ ♪ A diamond ring ♪ Cadillac car ♪ And everything ♪ Love makes me treat you ♪ The way that I do ♪ Gee, baby ♪ Ain't I good to you? ♪ Love ♪ Makes me treat you ♪ The way that I do ♪ Gee, baby ♪ Ain't I good to you? ♪ There's nothin' too good ♪ ♪ For a man, so true ♪ Gee, honey ♪ Ain't I good to you? ♪ I know how to make ♪ A good man happy ♪ I treat you right ♪ With lotsa love... What the hell are you doing here? We got trouble. You better come upstairs. Come on. Let's go. ♪ Gee, baby ♪ Ain't I good to you? Awoo! Arf, arf, arf! Woo, woo, woo! ♪ For what I gave to you ♪ Gee, baby, ain't I good to you? ♪ [WHISTLES] Let's rock this joint! [PLAYING SWING] Hey! Pachuco! ♪ Summer of '43 Hey! ♪ The man's gunnin' for me ♪ Hey! ♪ I'm doin' winding road tonight ♪ Hey! ♪ They say damn my pride ♪ And all the other cats livin' down eastside ♪ ♪ Or maybe just my brim's too wide ♪ Smokin'! Aw, man. What happened? Somebody hit the joint before we could. Here, Doctor. Here you go, buddy. Suck on that. Son of a ***! Hey! Eddie, who did this, man? Who? Him. Him! That's... That's the guy. That guy dancing with Tina? He's dead meat. Come on. Aah! ♪ The man's gunnin' for me ♪ I'm doin' winding road tonight ♪ Hey! ♪ They say damn my pride ♪ ♪ And all the other cats livin' down eastside ♪ ♪ May be just my friends tonight... I want this place cleared right now! Eeeeeee! Hello. Club's closed. Move it! You think I'm joking? Come on! Move it! Everyone. Let's go! Tina, get out of here. Come on. Party's over. Get lost! O.K., Twinkle toes. I wanna know where my money is and I wanna know right now! O.K. You've got 17.5% in T-bills amortized over the fiscal year, 8% in stock and bonds. Carry the 9. Divide by the gross national product. Fortunately, funeral bouquets are deductible. Ice this deadbeat! Whoo! Shoot him! Toro! Hi hi hi hi hi. Thank you very much. Hoo. Hah. Ooh! Ya... got me... partner. Eee... ah... ooh. Ooh... ah... eee. Ah... ugh... ahh. Argh! Hold me close, Red. It's gettin' dark. [COUGHING] Tell Aunty Em to let Old Yeller out. [COUGH COUGH] Eew. [ENGLISH ACCENT] Tell Tiny Tim I won't be coming home this Christmas. Tell Scarlett I do give a damn. [SNIFFLING] [PFFFT] Pardon me. Thank you! You love me. You really love me! You're not goin' anywhere. Whoo hoo hoo hoo! Drop it, Tyrrell! Hey, Kellaway. Drop it! All right. So you got a warrant this time, or you just stopped by for a nightcap? What I got is probable cause. Couple of your boys were spotted knocking over edge city bank. Easy. You're giving me a ***. One of them was wearing a green mask. For once, Kellaway, you're right. Except it wasn't one of my boys. Maybe if you tried a little actual police work... Cuff him. Hey, Lieutenant? We got a stiff upstairs. It's one of the guys from the heist. Better call that high-priced lawyer of yours, Tyrrell. You and I are going downtown for a little chat. Get him outta here! Ipkiss. [KNOCK ON DOOR] Ipkiss, I know you're in there. [KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK] [KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK] Police! [KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK] Oh! Open up. Oh, my God! [KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK] Uh... Ipkiss, I know you're in there! [KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK] [GROWLING] [ARF ARF] Open up. Come on. I'm getting blisters on my fingers. No... No! [GRR] No, no, no! Stop it! I'm coming! O.K., I'm coming! I'll be right there. [ARF ARF] Let's go! Ipkiss! Move it! All right! [UNLOCKING BOLTS] Hi, Lieutenant. Listen, this isn't the best time right now... I just... Won't you come in? Where were you last night, Ipkiss? Here... mostly. Is something wrong? What do you know about this mask character? Mask? Don't insult my intelligence, Ipkiss. He robs your bank, then I find this in the Coco Bongo. There can't be two idiots with pajamas like these. Milo, no! May I see those pajamas, Mr. Ipkiss? Those... pajamas? Those... those, uh, those pajamas were... stolen. Somebody stole your pajamas? Yeah. [GROWLING] I mean, uh, what is, uh, what is this city coming to when... when, uh, when a man's pajama drawer is no longer safe? Wow, look at that guy. Nobody's that fast at my bank. I'll say. Ahh. I don't know, boss, that's one hell of a rubber mask. What do the lab reports says? We got some fingerprints on some of the currency, but nothing matches Tyrrell's men. This guy beat him to the punch. Get the bank employee files and run down the prints of a guy named Ipkiss... Stanley Ipkiss. You figure it was an inside job? All I need is a couple of prints to lock this whack-job up till doomsday. 50 grand. 50 grand to the man who finds that green-faced son of a *** before the cops do. I want you to get the word out to every street hustler, to every lowlife in this town. You understand? I want him here tomorrow... alive. You're still here? Come on, let's go! What are you lookin' at? You. You're losing it, Dorian. Uh-uh. I'm not losing anything... Except maybe some extra baggage around here. What does that mean? You weren't putting up much of a fight when that freak show tried to kiss you. Did it look like I had much of a choice? Maybe you did... Maybe you didn't. Who knows, right? I'll tell you one thing. It's going to be payback for anybody who crosses me. Ipkiss! We have a crisis here, and you stroll in an hour late? If I have to put up with your slovenly behavior... back off, monkey boy... before I tell your daddy you're running this place like it's your own personal piggy bank. Or maybe we should call the IRS? See if we can arrange a little vacation for you at club Fed! That'll be all, Ipkiss. [DEEP EXHALATION] Genius. That was genius. Buddy, I have chills. God! What side of whose bed did you wake up on, man? I'm not sure. I haven't exactly been myself lately. Well, you don't look real fabulous, Stan. Really? Do I look bad? Ah! Not to worry. This will put the color back in your cheeks. Two tickets to the charity ball at the Coco Bongo club this Saturday night. Everybody will be there. Want to be my date? Ah, Charlie, I... Wait just a minute. Tina, what are you doing here? I wanted to thank you, but, um... I'm not sure I'll have much to open an account with. What about the club? I thought you were doing great. Look, it's not your problem. I'll be O.K. Tina, come here. You didn't stop by just to see me, did you? It's O.K. Tell me. The guy they say robbed this place... The mask. I think he was at the club last night. Really? They say he's pretty... weird-looking. Yeah, but... You ought to see him dance. So did, um, anyone find out who he is? Why, are you interested? Just curious, I guess. Well... I better be going. Thanks for everything, Stanley. You'd like to see him again, wouldn't you? I, um... wouldn't mind. I know him, you know. You do? We're old college buddies, him and me. Yeah, it's funny you should mention the way he dances because, uh... I taught him a couple of dance moves myself. Do you think you could have him meet me tonight? I might be able to work something out. How about at Landfill Park? O.K., at sunset? Perfect. Super. Thanks, Stanley. You really are a nice guy. This is an interesting piece, Mr. Ipkiss. Looks like fourth or fifth century Scandinavian. Possibly a representation of a Norse night God. Maybe Loki. Loki? Who's Loki? The Norse God of mischief. Supposedly he caused so much trouble that Odin banished him from Valhalla forever. Then he could've banished him into that mask. I'm talking about mythology, Mr. Ipkiss. This is a piece of wood. But your book! My book is about masks as metaphor, Mr. Ipkiss. A metaphor. Not to be taken literally. You're suffering from mild delusion. Ohh! All right. I'm going to prove it to you. But I am not responsible for the consequences. Just sit back and enjoy the ride, Mr. Expert. You don't scare me, Mr. Ipkiss. Go right ahead. See ya. Coo-yaah! Whoooo! [MOANING] Whoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yee-yee! Ee-ee-ee-ee-ee! O.K.! You said Loki was a night God. Maybe it only works at night. Mr. Ipkiss, I feel I should warn you that I don't work with really sick people. There are private institutions for things like that. However, if you like, I can arrange for a safe environment tonight. No. I've got to see Tina. But what do I do? I mean, do I go as myself... or the mask? If I tell you, you promise to leave my office right now? Uh-huh. All right. Mr. Ipkiss... Go as yourself and as the mask... because they are both one and the same beautiful person. POLICE RADIO: Got the cross-check on the fingerprints for you. It's Ipkiss, all right. I'm looking at him. Just keep the S.W.A.T. team standing by. If he's half as bad as advertised, we'll have a full dance card. You have the pickle relish? Doyle, get in. But I ordered onion rings. Doyle! [SIGH] No. No. Stanley. What are you doing here? Tina, hi. Uh... I... I just wanted to come by and make sure that you two got together all right. That's nice. You know, I hardly ever stop by here. Kind of hard to believe it was just a garbage heap. Yeah, it's, uh... It's, uh, it's... really beautiful right around sunset. The methane emissions really pick up the colors. All those... pinks and greens. Uhh... My friend'll be along any minute. I better go. Stanley, wait. Stanley? Stanley! [WHOOMP SSSSS] [GASP] Hello, chèrie. We meet again. Is it fate? Is it meant to be? Is it written in the stars that we are destined to fraternize? I'd like to think so! Ha ha ha! Kiss me, my dear, and I will reveal my croissant. I will spread your paté. I will dip my ladle in your vichyssoise! Aw! [VERY HIGH VOICE] She is so coy. [DEEP VOICE] I love it! Eh-eh-eh-eh. Our love is like a red, red rose, and I am a little thorny. Je t'adore. Je t'adore. Shut the window, I don't care! Ah ha ha ha ha! This is Kellaway. I need backup. Now. Cigarette? No? Now, like Napoleon... I will divide and conquer. [GUNS ***] Ipkiss, police! Merde! Freeze! Put your hands up. [MUFFLED] But you told me to freeze. All right, all right. Unfreeze. You're under arrest. No! It wasn't me. It was the one-armed man. All right, I confess. I did it, you hear? And I'm glad, glad, I tell ya! What are they gonna do to me, Sarge? What are they gonna do? Sorry, son. That's not my department. Search him. Ow! Where's a camcorder when you need one? [SNORT SNORT] Looks like it's gonna be a long night. My wife's gonna kill me. What is it, Murray? Cops got your pal Ipkiss at Landfill Park. I'll cover it. I need this story. You can go home to Claire. I don't know, Peggy. Ramsey said... I will take care of Ramsey. Thanks a million. I owe you one. Really big sunglasses. [A-OOGA SQUEAK] Bike horn. Small-mouth bass. Wow! Rolling pin. [SNAP] Ah-ah-ah! Gaaa! Mousetrap. Rubber chicken. Little to the left. That's it. Ohh. Funny eyeball glasses. I've never seen those before in my life. Bazooka. I have a permit for that. Picture of Kellaway's wife. What? Uh-oh. Margaret! You son of a ***! Jeez, I figured you had a sense of humor. After all... you married her! Aah! That's got to hurt. Eh-eh-eh. Get him! Doyle! It's all over, Ipkiss! Put your hands over your head, or we'll open fire. Hit it! [RUMBA PLAYS] ♪ They call me Cuban Pete ♪ ♪ I'm the king of the rumba beat ♪ ♪ When I play the maracas ♪ ♪ I go chic-chicky-boom, chic-chicky-boom ♪ ♪ Yes, sir, I'm Cuban Pete ♪ ♪ I'm the craze of my native street ♪ ♪ When I start to dance, everything goes ♪ ♪ Chic-chicky-boom, chic-chicky-boom ♪ ♪ The señoritas, they sing and they swing ♪ ♪ With their rumbero ♪ It's very nice ♪ So full of spice ♪ And when they dancin' they bring a happy ring ♪ ♪ Without a care-o ♪ ♪ Singin' a song ♪ All the day long ♪ So... ♪ If you like the beat ♪ ♪ Take a lesson from Cuban Pete ♪ ♪ And I'll teach you to chic-chicky-boom, chic-chicky-boom ♪ ♪ Chic-chicky-boom ♪ He's a really modest guy ♪ ♪ Although he's the hottest guy ♪ ♪ In Havana ♪ In Havana ♪ Sí, señorita, I know ♪ ♪ That you will like to chicky-boom-chic ♪ ♪ It's very nice ♪ So full of spice ♪ When I place my hand on your hip ♪ ♪ And if you will just give me your hand ♪ ♪ Then we shall try ♪ Just you and I Ai-yi-yi-yi! Olé! ♪ If you like the beat He's not bad. ♪ Take a lesson from Cuban Pete ♪ Shut up and help me down. Alright. ♪ And I'll teach you to chic-chicky-boom, chic-chicky-boom ♪ ♪ Chic-chicky-boom [RHYTHM CHANGES TO CONGA] Hey! Brrrr! Aha! Hey! [SCATTING] You start dancing, I'll blow your brains out. Give me that thing. Diddy-daddy-wow! See ya. There he is! Let's get him! Snap out of it! This dance is over! Eh-eh-eh. Aah! [KISS] He's down the alley! Follow me! Come on! Grab your gun! [PANTING] Stanley! [HONK HONK] Stanley, get in! [GASP] There he is! Halt! Or I'll shoot! [GUNFIRE] Shoot! Shoot! Seat belts. I missed him. Come on! We all missed him. I saw it. I saw everything. What's happening to you, Stanley? It's crazy. [SIGH] I'm losing control. When I put that mask on, I can do anything, be anything. That's wrecking my mind. My life is wrecked. Wrecked. Wrecked! Look, I don't know what's happening to you, Stanley, but I do know this. That letter that you sent my column? That was from a guy with more guts... and more heart... than any of the creeps that I've met in this city. Whatever that mask is, you don't need it. You... Stanley Ipkiss... Are already all you'll ever need to be. Gosh, Peg. Do you really mean that? Actually... no. What? What took you guys so long? I've been vamping for 20 minutes. Is this him? You got the 50 thou? Give her the money. Right. When he puts on the mask, he turns into that green thingamajig. Peggy. What are you doing? Sorry, Stanley. You really are a great guy. I just can't lose my condo. You know how hard it is to find an apartment. You said you wouldn't hurt him. I lied. Stanley! Hey. Hey! Hey! Ohh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Whaa! Tell me, how does this mask work? I don't know. You just... Put it on. Boss... you better be careful, huh? Aah! [SHUDDERING SIGH] [DEEP BASS VOICE] What a rush! Whoa, boss. You O.K.? Better than ever, you idiots. What do we do with Ipkiss? The police are looking for the mask. So we'll give them the mask. Ha ha ha ha ha! Aah! Uh! The money better be here, Ipkiss, or you can Ipkiss your *** goodbye. [ARF] Hey, Orlando. [GRRRR] [WHIMPERING] [WHIMPERING] [WHIMPERING] [GRRR] [GRRR] [MUFFLED CRY] [ENGINE STARTS] [MUFFLED CRY] Go! [TIRES SCREECH] I still can't believe it. Hardened cops dancing in the street and broadcast all over the 11:00 news. S.W.A.T. team got an offer for Vegas. I'm history. The captain's gonna have my badge for breakfast, with a little pension on top. Come on, Lieutenant. It's not all your fault. Something'll turn up. Sure. Stanley Ipkiss is gonna fall right into my lap. [BRAKES SQUEAL] Hey! Uhh! [GRUNTING AND GROANING] Get him off! Get him off of me! Aah! Ipkiss! Wait! I can explain everything. Oh, yeah. You can explain everything? Explain this. Umm... Get him up. Let's go. We got a cell for you, pal. [CELLBLOCK DOOR SLAMS] [ARF] [ARF ARF] [ARF] Milo. [ARF] [WHIMPERING] You better forget about me, buddy. Find yourself a new place to live. Looks like I'm going to be in here for a long, long time. [WHIMPERING] [WHIMPERING] Hey, you with the face. You got a visitor. Tina. Hello, Stanley. What are you doing here? Is it true? You're the mask. Yeah, but don't tell anybody. If I... get a good lawyer and strike up a deal, I can be out of here in about 10,000 years. You're taking a chance coming here. Your boyfriend might be a little upset. He's going to the charity ball tonight. He's going to do something terrible. Like what... The Lambada? Stanley, this is serious. There's got to be a way to stop him. How does it work? I don't know. It-it's like, uh... It's like it brings your innermost desires to life. If deep down inside, you're... a little repressed and a hopeless romantic, you become some sort of a love-crazy wild man. And if you're somebody like Dorian? Then we're all in big trouble. And if I were you, I'd get out of town fast. Thanks. For what? Lots of things. For sharing a sunset with me, for being the only guy who treated me like a person and not some sort of party favor. For being any kind of romantic, even a hopeless one. You're welcome. You know that night at the club? I knew I'd found someone special. The mask. No. It was the guy inside the mask, who was you all along. You... Stanley... Ip... Kiss. O.K., lady, time's up! Could I have just one more minute? I've got to disappear for a while now, Stanley. I don't know where I'm gonna go, but I'll let you know as soon as I can. Aah! Aah! Somebody help me! Oh. Oh, no. No. Guard! Guard! Guard! There's a woman being chased through the alleyway! Come on! She needs help. Yeah, yeah, sure. Keep it down. Come on! Serve and protect, man! Milo. Milo. Milo, good boy. Come on. Jump up. Can you jump up? [WHIMPERING] Remember how I taught you not to jump up on people? Forget all that. Come on. Get up here. Get up here. That's it. You can do it. Come on! Come on. Come on. Milo. Put some effort into it! Baby, there you are. I was beginning to get worried about you. Nice talk with the cops? I just went to see what Ipkiss told them. That's right, you and Stanley. You two are getting awfully close. Maybe it was you who helped him out with the bank job. That's ridiculous. Oh, is it? Look what I found in her car. You planning a little trip without me, baby? No. No? Boys, I want you... to pick her out something pretty to wear, OK? We're going to go to a party tonight, and we're going to have one hell of a time, aren't we? Yeah. Yes. Get out of my sight. Jump up. Get up. Come on. [ARR] Come on, Milo. Jump, please. Do it for daddy. [ARF] That's it. Oh! I can't believe you did that. Oh, good boy. Good boy. Good boy. O.K... See that man over there? He's got keys. Yeah. Go get those keys. Go get 'em. Go get the keys. Go get 'em. That's it. Yeah. O.K., get the keys. Oh! No, not... Not the cheese, the keys. Put the cheese down. And get the keys. Go on. Over there. Over there. [SNORING] Shh. Yeah! Oh. Come on. Come here. Good boy. That's a good boy. Good boy. No. Give it. Give it. Give me the keys. [GRR] Come on. Come on. Drop it. It's sundown. It's almost time. I wouldn't do that, darling. Wouldn't want to start the celebration early, would you? [SNORING] Oh! [ARF] Milo. Aah! Hold it! I'm warning you, I'm... seriously stressed out here. Easy, Ipkiss. Come on. Don't be an idiot. You're in the middle of a police station. There's no way you're walking out of here like this. You know, you're right. You're absolutely right. What the hell are you doing? You're going to take me out as your prisoner. Put it on. Put it on! Ow. Come on. I'm really very sorry about this. Milo. Got the wrong guy, I tell you. It's a bum rap. I got my rights. Hey, Lieutenant. Where you taking Ipkiss? Ixnay. He's otgay an ungay. Ow! Oh, I get it. Pig Latin, right? Eesay ouyay aterlay. Come on! Why don't you just sit back and relax, O.K.? I've got to change for the party. [MUSIC PLAYS] Need a pack of cigarettes. Which brand? Doesn't matter. I don't smoke, but for you, I would shoot the surgeon general. May we have a word with you? I always have time for the press and my loyal constituents. Aah! Aah! [HORN HONKS] Let me out of these cuffs. You're driving like a maniac. I'm sorry. We're already late for the ball. Alice and the white rabbit will be really disappointed. Now you're being cynical. Who the hell are you? I'm just an ex-employee who's come for his back pay... Or should I say payback? Dorian? Uhh! Kill him. Come on. Aah! Ha ha ha. Ladies and gentlemen, I will be your host for the remainder of the evening. [WHIMPERS] Ipkiss, get your dog away from me. [SPITS] I'm sorry. He seems to be attracted to you. Where is everybody? Something's not Kosher here. Exactly! Watch it! I'm sorry. I'm going to have to lock you in. Use the radio. What? You know, call for backup or something. Milo... this could be dangerous. You stay here and be a good boy. Daddy's going to have to go kick some ***. [GRR] [WHIMPERS] He's a dead man. Down! Get down! Move it! Line them over here! Easy. I got the point. [WHISTLES] [WHAP] Aah! Aah! Blow it. ***! Aah! What's the matter, darling? This is your big production number, and you know it's important to go out with a big ***. Charlie. What are you doing here? Look, take this gun. Start sneaking people out the back. Step back. Don't you know who you're talking to? I'm talking to a dead man if you don't step back. WOMAN: Don't you have respect for law and order... It's all set, Dorian. Excellent. This party's over... in 10 minutes. This is the moment of truth, when a man shows what he's really made of. Crap. Drop it, Ipkiss. Uhh. Smart dog. Hey, boss, look who decided to crash the party. Hi, Dorian. How's it going? Bring him up here! Dorian! Dorian, wait! No! There's no time for last requests. But all I wanted was a kiss. A kiss? Just one last kiss. Dorian? I can't shut this off. There's always time... for one last kiss. Oh! From the real Dorian, the one I used to love. Nobody ever kissed me like Dorian Tyrrell. Romeo! This whole place is going to blow in a couple of minutes! Just wait! I've decided... to give her one last thrill. [TICKING] Get it! Aah! [CRASH] Run, Milo! I got him... oh! Stanley, hurry! Don't worry, Tina. It's all over now. Stanley! Gotcha. Aah! I'm going to take you apart. I hope you can enjoy the victory with one friggin' eye! Aah! No! God! [GRR] Good doggy. Shh. Good doggy. I'm winning. Stanley! Ha ha ha ha. TINA: Stanley! Yes! Aah! Milo! Oh, my God. This has got to be a new breed. Easy, boy. Good boy. [ARF] Did you miss me? I guess not! Now, you have to ask yourself one question, "do I feel lucky?" Well... do ya... punks? Stanley! [BOOM] [BELCHES] [IMITATING ITALIAN ACCENT] That's-a spicy meatball. How do? [ARF] This guy's incorrigible. Aah! You were good, kid, real good, but as long as I'm around, you'll always be second best, see? Police! Hands up! Officers, arrest those men. I always wanted to say that. Come on. Give me that gun. They stole all my jewelry. Take me down to headquarters. Stop that man! Ipkiss! I've got you now, Ipkiss. Watch it, chunky. Mayor Tilton... what the hell's wrong with you? That man is the mask. No, Dorian Tyrrell was the mask. This young man here just saved our lives. With a little help from his friends. You're a real hero. Doyle! Well, it's nothing... any American with balls of steel wouldn't do for his community. Milo, come on! Hey, wait. That dog. You see that... leave the dog alone. I want to see you in my office first thing tomorrow morning. Yes, your honor. That doesn't sound good at all. No, it doesn't sound good. What would sound good to you? Breakfast. Shut up! [MUSIC PLAYS] You sure you know what you're doing, buddy? I'm sure. Then do what you got to do. Sure you're not going to miss this guy? When he's gone, all that's left is me. Milo! Smokin'! ♪ Know ♪ Don't you wanna know? ♪ Don't you wanna know? ♪ I know you wanna know ♪ Who's that man? ♪ Know ♪ A-don't you wanna know? ♪ Don't you wanna know? ♪ Don't you wanna know? ♪ Who's that man? ♪ He's got a different little style ♪ Than all the men today ♪ He does his thing with a swing ♪ ♪ And everything you see him do ♪ Is done a different way ♪ ♪ You never ever seen him before ♪ ♪ He's not your ordinary slick uptown-type lover ♪ ♪ Don't think twice, 'cause you'll never find another ♪ ♪ Because the man behind the mask ♪ ♪ You never ever seen him before ♪ ♪ Never never seen him before ♪ ♪ Know ♪ Who's that man? ♪ Don't you wanna know? ♪ I know you wanna know, yeah ♪ ♪ Who's that man? ♪ Know ♪ Don't you wanna know? Don't you wanna know? ♪ ♪ Know ♪ Who's that man? ♪ He's got the flavor ♪ To do his thing ♪ He's got something everybody wish they had ♪ ♪ And something tells me you don't want to make him mad ♪ ♪ No, you don't, no, you don't, no, you don't ♪ ♪ He's not your ordinary slick uptown-type lover ♪ ♪ Don't think twice, 'cause you'll never find another ♪ ♪ Because the man behind the mask ♪ ♪ You never ever seen him before ♪ ♪ You never never seen him before ♪ ♪ Know ♪ Know ♪ Don't you wanna know? ♪ I know you want to know ♪ ♪ Know ♪ Know ♪ Who's that man? ♪ Know ♪ Don't you wanna know? Don't you wanna know? ♪ ♪ Don't you wanna know? ♪ ♪ kKnow ♪ Who's that man? ♪ Who's that man? ♪ Who's that man? ♪ Skip-bip-bip-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Skip-doo-doo ♪ Who's that man? ♪ Know ♪ Who's that man? ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ Who's that man? ♪ Skip-doo, dip-doo ♪ ♪ Somebody was spreadin' rumors ♪ ♪ About better days a-comin' ♪ ♪ Fly was a-hummin' ♪ As if I knew ♪ One in the same ♪ But I just whispered your name ♪ ♪ Somebody was saying somethin' ♪ ♪ About there being an end to tyranny ♪ ♪ But when they asked me ♪ Wwhat would I do ♪ If that day came ♪ I only whispered your name ♪ ♪ Every wimp got their own opinion ♪ ♪ And protects their own dominion ♪ ♪ No doubt, for them, it's true ♪ ♪ But I tell them what I really believe ♪ ♪ My only worry is protecting you, yeah ♪ ♪ I just whisper ♪ Your name ♪ Anybody in the town want to bounce around? ♪ ♪ Bounce around ♪ Just come with me, and we'll do it, do it ♪ ♪ We'll do it ♪ If you really want to do it up caddie style ♪ ♪ Bounce around ♪ Just come with me, and we'll do it, do it ♪ ♪ We'll do it ♪ I know a club ♪ In the town ♪ That's going on Thursday night at 10:00 ♪ ♪ But 12:00 ♪ Is not too late ♪ I own the place, so bring your friends ♪ ♪ The night for you will never change ♪ ♪ We'll do it till the break of dawn ♪ ♪ You bounce around ♪ In the town ♪ Anywhere ♪ I just want to love you ♪ ♪ Anybody in the town want to bounce around? ♪ ♪ Bounce around ♪ Just come with me, and we'll do it ♪ ♪ And we'll do it ♪ If you really want to do it up caddie style ♪ ♪ Bounce around ♪ Just come with me, and we'll do it ♪ ♪ And we'll do it together ♪ ♪ Anybody in the town want to bounce around? ♪ ♪ Bounce around ♪ Just come with me, and we'll do it ♪ ♪ And we'll do it together ♪ ♪ If you really want to do it up caddie style ♪ ♪ Bounce around ♪ Just come with me, and we'll do it ♪ ♪ And we'll do it together, yeah ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ All right ♪ Send me searching for you ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ All right ♪ California style ♪ Anybody in the town want to bounce around? ♪ ♪ Bounce around ♪ Just come with me, and we'll do it ♪ ♪ Ohh-ohh ♪ If you really want to do it up caddie style ♪ ♪ Bounce around ♪ Just come with me, and we'll do it ♪ ♪ Let's do it, do it ♪ Anybody in the town want to bounce around? ♪ ♪ Bounce around ♪ Ya-ha-ha-ha-ha