Simon - English Transcript

October 21, 2002 Either I say "No" or "Ok, sure". What a line: "No or ok, sure". White or beige. But not off-white. That's just yellow. We'll discuss it later. Now where's my parking pass? That would be handy. Hey! What are you doing?! There are little kids around here. Just lost ten points. *** count double. Cool pimpmobile! Really? Well I think it's got class. I'm just teasing. You're still with us? Yes. Yes. You too? Barely. I have cancer. That's life. Who's this? This is Bram. My partner. In the private sense. Hello. I'm Bram. I'm Simon. Camiel's ex-partner. In business. Don't get any ideas! Yeah, I've heard about you. Don't believe everything. June 3, 1988 Stop squirming, man. It doesn't help. Simon entered my life with a ***. The story had begun. Despite his kindness, I was bit scared of him. Anyone who drives like that has to be crazy. Cozy? This guy is nuts. - You want another appointment? - Yes. Me too, Nurse Verlaan. How about it? I just love straight-up *** blondes. I'm gay. Better you than me, buddy. Every bird has its tune. Yeah, but you don't talk like a ***. - How do *** talk? - Like ***. You know, with those hands! - I can't see. - Oh, just acting faggy. Simon happened to run a local "coffee shop". So I bought my weed from him. Hey, how's it going? Fine. I hope I can take this off tomorrow. Spine's straight again. He tried to score a header with my car last week. This is Camiel. - Camiel's a ***. - Yeah, so it seems. It could happen to you, too. - I do have all the symptoms. - Does your mother know? NO HARD DRUGS Any we find, we shove up your ***. - Has that ever happened to anyone? - You bet. I hate coke and smack dealers. Impale 'em on sticks, I say. I'm against capital punishment. But a creative life sentence with fish hooks. It's a pity we lost to Russia. We'll see 'em in the finals. We'll beat them hands down. Did you order extra crates? Three won't be enough. I ordered five. Should be enough. Got your *** in? And your glass eye? Or is it still on the nightstand? Wouldn't want to switch the two! Whacko. For Simon, "Whacko" or "Nut-job" meant "I like you." But his friend Marco was whacko. Just before I met him... a mushroom trip had him convinced his tattoos were falling off. So he tried to staple them back on with a staple gun. Holland - Ireland Live! It's "Life", with an "f", right? Or it'd be "Liv"? No, with a "v". "Live", like "alive". Smart ***. Hey, honey, what about the Santa hats? Santa hats - negative. You *** me? Tried "El Phone Book"? It's June, genius! So, I offered to get Santa hats and tinsel - in June! The guys had a beach bar in Zandvoort... and had an Australian Christmas party every summer. They'd travel the world in the winter and picked up the idea somewhere. They'd been everywhere! The Yanomani Indians in the Amazon... carving wood with the Trobrianders... I spent Christmas in Australia, so I'm used to this. Thailand, too, but that's crawling with Australians! New Zealand... This is Camiel. - Sharon. - Camiel's a ***. Oh, nice for you. And this is Sharon... my girl. Whatever. Take the dog. Has the pickled *** looked over yet? Jesus. That ugly Albino over there. He runs the place with that Bogus Brother. Crockett & Tubbs. Mood degraders, let me tell you. Simon used "mood degrading" for negative cases... Mood degrading... and "mood upgrading" for positive ones. Mood upgrading! *** Krauts! Gimme back my bike! What d'you want, egghead? I've just never seen a butt-ugly Santa before! ***! Crockett & Tubbs were mood degrading. Tubbs was his real name, but Crockett was Ronnie. Two pairs of machos. Crockett & Tubbs had the hots for Sharon. But she was Simon's. I didn't have the hots for her. Simon called me a "guacamole ***". *** hell, it's hot. Simon feared Sharon was sleeping around. He put her on a pedestal. Sorry. That was too... He was one of the first with a mobile phone. Back then, only dealers had them. So did you meet him? Yeah, your Maker. You were in top form yesterday. Is that Marco? Tell him I said "hi"... Camiel says "*** off". No idea why... Yeah, that ***. That backdoor tourist with wrong clothes and droopy cheeks. Gotta hang up, Curly... Thingy 3 is here. Hey, Redbeard, give Motor Mouse the Pluto key chain? - He still has to give you the blue keys. - Well then tell him. Dubious types named Thingy Two through Five regularly showed up... on mopeds a half hour after Simon would get beeped. They always got some key or another. It was a fascinating shadow play linked to the city's supply of soft drugs. Intense people, the Thai. I'll take you along. Relaxing. Hammocks. Mawing on fresh papaya. - Have a paddle. Chew nuts - your kind of thing. Nice, man. I'm sure it would be fantastic to join you. But I'm out of money. Can't even afford a train ticket to the country. Don't worry about that, neighbor. Is that a boy or a girl? Funny you ask. He wondered the same about you. Very funny. You have my permission to clock him one. Parrots live to eighty. Sure to outlive you. I'm wild about dogs, but I'd lose it if one died on me. This neighbor belongs to Sharon, don't ya boy? Yuk, Norris! Foul breath, man! Simon loved animals, was vegetarian and donated the average wage... to "Save the Apes"and a cat boat. He made ten times that... but claimed unemployment benefits like the best. Look, I pump loads into the economy. I'm a big-time consumer. Why can't I benefit from the voodoo economy? If I wasn't on the dole, they'd question my income, and I'd be screwed. You and the economy don't want that. So clamp it. We drove down the shoulder, sir. Did We? Aren't you in the Village People? Where are the Indian and the Leather Boy? They'll send you a bill for the ticket I'm writing. Really? Not bad for such a *** band. In 1988, Simon was feeling better than ever. Holland were champions and he was King of Amsterdam and the beaches. The little girl's five and a half now. Joy's her name. Pure joy. She stayed on after I broke up with my Thai lady. She was expecting the second: Nelson. After that guy in jail in South Africa. I think it's better if they grow up as Thai. "Thai" means free. Chillin' by the palms. Sun and fresh air. Little monkeys in the trees. Great, man. Why did you and your lady - or wife - split up? Simon! Rumble time... ***... take this. They often shed the fancy watches and stormed off... to fight Crockett & Tubbs. It was in their make-up. Studying was out of my make-up. It was hard enough to retire to my room with a book on teeth. I began to believe Simon: Life was discovered at play. People just aren't made for cold climates. Otherwise we wouldn't need winter clothes. Look around... everyone's sick and faint. Do Camiel. He's a walking Quasimodo anyway... If you moan, I'm outta here. You got a real Jew face. You are Jewish, right? Me, too. Cohen's my name, after all. But you could've invented a Jew-ponim like yours. But I'm not a practicing Jew. - What's that? - He doesn't practice! What would you practice? Building a tower? How can you be proud of what you didn't control? There are really nice things about Judaism. Personal responsibility. God isn't on a cloud, He's your conscience. Don't talk ***, man! Any organized religion is wrong. Gimme a break. ***. 32 sets at 15 kilos. ***. - Mind your eye doesn't pop out! - Watch it. Know why she has a glass eye? A Turk once came in her eye and it got all infected. - He was Tunisian. - Turkish, Simon. - Tunisian! - He was a Turk. No, we only say he was a Turk 'cos it sounds cooler. He was Tunisian. Wanna bet? Five-hundred skins. You're on. You're so gonna pay. Hey! Cyclops! Your eye guy was Tunisian, right? Yeah, a Tunisian. In Djerba. In some ***'s 4x4. Pay up, Pops. Later, ok? These men took some getting used to. And the women were even less familiar. They were more body-minded than gays. Well, sugar, it'll only get worse. Next year, zero percent body fat. But for them, guys like me were a novelty. You're a weirdo. Kick low. She can't take it. Time's on your side. I don't wanna win on points. I wanna kill her! *** her up! Mawash Shar! Aim for the thigh! Bring that French *** down! Tell your mama, dumb-*** ho! Simon was crazy about Sharon... but he also screwed half the local hockey team... At least a posh guy like me could fit in here easily. Foul! - You can take sides, Camiel. - Button it! It's a home match! There must be some reason why people not like Simon... People like us, you mean. Go on... No, you. I haven't figured it out yet. Simple. Sex. I mean, you're into men, right? Well, Simon's obviously a He-man. Yeah, but that's just it... I'm not into He-men. Well I am. But they're not on a hockey field. Hey Mary Poppins. Go see what they're charging next door for a salad. Why don't you just let the guy study? He got into school and now you tug on his shirt. Excuse me? This muppet's been taking my hand-outs. It's time he earned his keep. As initiation, I had to play spy at Crockett & Tubbs. My heart was beating. I was stopped five meters from the menu. *** off, pom-pom girl! Or this board goes up your ***. I'll try to be less conspicuous next time. Oh, you first tried conspicuous? Jesus. Here, Camiel. Study. Hey, look who's here. Our top forward. - Hi there, Marjolein. - Hi, Simon. Why aren't you calling me? Diederik and Taco were there, so... Why aren't you calling me? I asked you a question: Why aren't you calling me? Why? I don't even have your number. - Oh. You don't have my number. - No. Then you can't call me, can you? What are you laughing at? You want another screw? Not really... I'm going to a movie with a girlfriend. She's on her way. No, let's have a nice screw. Us three are going to his place. I'm waiting for my girlfriend. They all say that. Don't lie to Daddy. No, we're gonna ***. Play hard to get, but you're wasting your time. - Come on, Marco. - "Come on, Marco." Don't try and change the course of history, it won't work. Seen "Back to the Future"? I can't. It's not fair on Liselot. She's coming at 8... On Liselot? We'll call her. So, I followed them. They went into Simon's house and slammed the door. But it sprung open again, not that they noticed. So, I stood outside... ...thinking: "Should I go in? Or not?" Camiel! Great to see you, man! Go get us some falafel! Yeah, three falafel pitas! You said he was in maternity. "Having a baby?" I asked. - A fraternity, not maternity. - "A fraternity, not maternity!" If he was having a baby, he'd go "Lalala"! - No, they go "La-dee-da"! - No, that's the homos! I was addicted to Simon's weird world. I put up with his political incorrectness and comments about my gayness. It's really *** down, isn't it! But we'll be in Thailand next week, you old fairy. No need to tell the world. Come on, he's out of the closet. I wouldn't be. You look like an ***. But I guess I can't say that, either. You're quite a guy, Simon Cohen. Yeah? So the operation was a success? Simon often doubled as a stuntman for Vietnam movies. So my first few days in Thailand... were as the honored guest of a self-styled "Stunt Coordinator". "The place is teaming with leeches." "Leeches". I can't get my tongue round it... - What does it mean? - It's crawling with bloodsuckers. Oh, I didn't know "teaming". "Leeches", I knew from Kalimantan. Little buggers. On the Camel Trophy. They'll dub my leeches anyway. Okay, neighbor. A-okay? He's nuts, man. I was to head for a village where Simon had a past. Back then it was a few lazy huts on the beach. Simon would follow a few days later. The rest of the clan were already there. - Marco! - Well look here! A salt-water fairy. They're a dying breed. - He's back: Georgie Porgie. - Hey, man. Hey, woman. How was the boat trip? Pukey, I bet. It was no fun. What happened to your nose? Sparring. Thai boxing. Thailand, you know. The biggest compliment to a Thai... ...is to slap his head and kick him in the ***. Some things you should avoid in Thailand: Don't ever touch someone's head. Never show the sole of your foot. And never make a fuss to get attention. - That's a real no-no. It's disrespectful. - You need to know! His ex inlaws, I assume? That's Simon's daughter and son. And that's no problem, with Simon's new girlfriend here? Yeah, they get along fine. This place and the jetski-rental thing in the village? Simon donated them. No problem here. Are these Dutch or Norwegian shrimp? It really sucks about your nose. And you're so concerned about looks. I'm not concerned with looks. I'm really into Buddhism. Was it an upper cut or a straight hit? Or a triple high-kick from the outside? Cheeky, aren't you? Know your place. Vamos! Sissy-boy! I think there's water in my Eustachian tube. Come here! In the name of the law! - Never make a fuss to get attention? - That doesn't go for me, smart-***. - Did he just say "Neighbor"? - Simon's work. It's become trendy here. - Neighbor. - We're all "neighbor". But back to Simon. He's a bit simple-minded? It irritates me sometimes. - And you're Einstein! - You're a weirdo! Big Dipper. Little Dipper. Orion. It all looks different here. We were both as drunk as a Mekong monkey. Then she started her "I can't control myself"act. And if I don't want to? You gonna beat me up? I escaped into the universe. Big Dipper... Orion... Little Dipper... I could never face Simon again. I was a worthless friend, a worthless ***. I didn't wait for Simon to arrive. I pretended I had a parasite and flew back home. After three weeks I pulled myself together... ... to confess to Simon the day he returned. At first I planned to move away. I wasn't afraid, but ashamed. Fear came second. A beating would have been cleansing. Should I congratulate you or rip your head off? It's not worth congratulations. Nice, aren't they, the girls? How's the parasite? You caught one, didn't you? You was to undercut me 3000? That was the last time I saw Simon. Then I moved away because I started a relationship, with a guy. Four more moves and six relationships later... I'd almost forgotten all about him. What are you doing?! There are little kids around here. Just lost ten points. *** count double. Cool pimpmobile! - Really? Well I think it's got class. - Yeah. I'm just teasing. You're still with us? Yes. You too? Barely. I have cancer. So I hadn't seen him for years, until now. You want to see him again? I'm not sure it would be much fun. Especially as he's so sick. "Fun" is no criterion here? - You came to see Simon? - Yes. See you later. Later. Simon? Been a long time, no? - A day... - Aside from yesterday. About, what, eight years or so? 14 years. - Really? - Yep. Guess so. Kids weren't living here yet. Something to drink? I've got tea. Or tea. - Tea, then. - Tea it is. So, your kids live here? Yeah. My "ex" did a summersault with her jetski. Dead. So I made a deal with their grandpa that I'd take the kids. They do have more chances here. They can always find their roots if they want. Is that still the same parrot? Just hitting puberty. That clown will bother my great grand-children! Still have that coffee shop? Got a few now, actually. Got the beach bar, too. And a few other things. Perfect, man. This music drives me mad. I'll put something else on. Princess Buttercup. Beauty, ain't she? Except for her flat feet. She's taking her exams this year. If she passes, I'll buy her a car. This is Camiel. An old friend of mine. He came to Thailand when you were a brat. - Will you pass your exams? - Maybe, maybe not. I can wait for the car. I don't have a license anyway... Cute, eh? She couldn't give a flying *** about those tests. - "Ain't got a license." - Hasn't got a license... Your brains came from my seed, you know. Don't get smart. Why must you act like that? Kettle's boiling. - So? - I'll make tea, you old bag. Yeah, go make Pop some tea. - So you're glad you went? - Yes. And the woman in question? The other sensitive issue... I'll see her tomorrow, come what may... Keep up the flossing, Tina, or you'll never get a guy. But seriously, when you start the chemo, you'll be as sick as your dad was. They have extra cots, we could stay over sometimes. And what would your worser half say? He'd understand. We can take turns with Joy, Marco... I could take a turn. Mom, can I get something with my own money? Jesus, Bruce! You and that conniving head of yours! Can I get an ice cream? If I could squeeze you back into Daddy's ***... How are you two? Do you see each other often? She's married, she is. Married to that Tubbs ***! - Get out! - Get out yourself? We'd just broken up when Tubbs' sidekick went splat trying to hang-glide. So she had to comfort him, the fake Kunta Kinte. She and her *** are in lipstick now. At least she's politically correct: First a Jew, then a gay, then a brother. Just a Turk and a *** and she'll get the Nobel Prize! What's the next step in treatment? Chemo soon. If it doesn't work, that's it. How do the kids react? The girl is 20 and understands, but... ...the boy, I'm not sure what he understands. I told him I was sick. I don't even know myself. I'm not counting on anything. The treatment could work. Strange isn't it, to be completely dependent on cell division. First you think only famous people die. Dropping like flies. I let you sleep in. Your breath really stinks when you're asleep. Get that molar looked at, Bram. As if you swallowed a rotten skunk. Not you, my boyfriend here. Open, please. Simon wants to come for brunch. But he doesn't eat meat. No, no human flesh either... I only deal in real estate. Selling at a profit. Some days I may turn over a hundred or 150 doors, from one to the next. By "doors" he means houses. I'm not a retard, Huckleberry. We're getting married, you know. Middle class, eh? Marriage? You want to do that? We're ready to make a commitment. We feel the need... ...to confirm things. It's a tax break too. And Camiel's up for a good party. Yeah, living together is one thing, but if you marry, people will think you're ***! Only joking, Bram. That's just me. Woodpecker over there knows. - He called everyone "Neighbor". - I still do. But now it's more Woodpecker. An extremely mood-upgrading bird. Funny. I came here a lot, with my father. He was in one of those science-fiction things. Irradiated his family jewels. Your mother, did she have the same illness? Yeah, but in her womb. I didn't know about it. I was younger than Nelson is. - Here you are, nurse. - Thank you, one moment. Yes indeed, nurse. All this suffering. Imagine working here. You like school? You ask a child: "Do you like school?" - Try a more original line. - Sorry. You fall for big, hairy blond men? Who cares, as long as they don't have a ponytail. It's weird. Simon being on a drip. They must have started. Wasn't it strange, to be brought from Thailand as a little girl? Or don't you remember? At first I couldn't understand anything. I do recall being in the car from the airport and passing a power plant. We passed some chimneys belching smoke. Look. A cloud factory. That's where they make clouds. This puff-head cheats! You can beat an old fart without cheating. Take it easy, smurf. You beat me by a hair. - The difference will only get bigger. - You think so? Do you like school? What's so funny, Betty Boobless? Donald Dickless. Give that to me. Give it to me, sweetie. So we've decorated our whole house according to feng shui. - Feng Shui? - You know what it is? Yeah, it's total nonsense. He's so innocent when he's sleeping. I use porcelain. It has a metal base, so it's as sturdy as metal. Porcelain is beautiful, you don't even notice it's there. Maybe that will be my next project. I already had my *** done. - It was the first thing I saw. - Oh really? I'm very happy with them. Why did you and Simon break up in the end? Did what happened between us in any way contribute to it? No... There were other things... ***! Bummer... Don't. I did. I kicked her right off his ***. That's how it goes... Look, a man doing it doesn't give, he takes. That's different. That conniving head of yours! Why hit the hockey chick? You're lucky she didn't sue you. She should keep her hands off my guy. You had others before me. And during as well. Eight, nine at least... That was just before you in Thailand. - Explains the broken nose. - So it wasn't from kickboxing. The tooth was. You never slapped your partner? - Or vice versa. - Of course not! He really wasn't that aggressive. No more than me, at least. I met him at the gym. He trained with us for a while. Pretty good. He was a real challenge. You all right? He triggered something in me. Hey. Turn into a naked chick, quick. Can you do that? Or does Daddy need to give you a hand? - Job well done. - Holy-moly. No need to exaggerate. Let me have a look at you. Perfect face for the radio. Those remarks seemed more important than him being a great lay. I was *** in love with the guy. He was just so relaxed and cool. My other boyfriends were macho pigs. Not him. Not so much. I thought you'd be smoking. I'm going in. No, don't. Let him sleep. Marco's with him. I'll be quiet. - One is enough. - I'm going. It's not for you to say. I can't take her conniving face sometimes. I never could, to be honest. Nice word, though... conniving. How can a word sound "nice". Jesus, man. You're crazy. Hi, this is Camiel Vrolijk's assistant. Barbara. Can we move today's appointment to next week? Great. It's a little like the worst flu you ever had, but then with a hangover. But then ten times as heavy. People used to die from the flu, but not anymore. Maybe in third-world countries still when they could easily be saved. You don't have to entertain us. Junior already did on the way over. Chattering away about how they put those poor boys... ...in their palms just to crush them in their fists. Not poor kids, just major dorks who think they're all that. They're all major dorks. What do we call 'em? Dorks! Is he relaxed about your boyfriends? Or does he bring out the hedge-clippers? He'd have prefered me to be a lesbian. Simon? Can Floris borrow your moon-boots? If they fit him, babe. He's smaller, but that's no problem with moon-boots. We want to go to the dunes. It's beautiful in the snow. Look in the bag with punchies in that Tibetan closet. Try there. So, door's shut. Simon was pretty cool with my flings. I tried to keep in mind his sensitivities. Fifteen minutes. The walls are thin so don't make too much noise. We'll see about that. No we won't. This isn't your house, Cruella. Ouch! Told you! That was you. You're just so well-endowed. Not! Like you fill the house, Betty Boobless. That line's not yours... Look, it's still snowing. You'll be snowed in up to your eyeballs. Hit your left cheek with a black olive. Of course the baby had turned off the boiler. He always got along with my friends. Better with the girls than with the boys. You're sharp today, Tamar. But not sharp enough to take the morning-after pill. That would have kept you out of the abortion clinic! He thought the guys were *** wimps. He liked the girls, like Djoeke with her super ***. Who's never committed suicide here? I mean in the real sense of the word. Whisky-Prozac on the rocks. Does that count? We first noticed something was wrong with Simon at his bodysurfing class. That's what he called it. So, you gonna start or what? Djoeke, Djoeke, Djoeke! - When are we gonna marry? - Today? Simon, it's yours! He got a call about a weed deal. Everyone knew he was a dealer. And he didn't give a damn. Listen, it's simple. It makes no difference. Michael's crop fails sometimes. Everything was okay until he hung up and looked worried. These phones can't be good for your head. I'm seeing double. He kept having symptoms. He forgot things... his keys... He went out for croissants and came back without them. He made up an excuse... He went for a scan at the doctor. Hello, it's me. When he called, I knew something was wrong. I sunk through the ground. I have some news. Good and bad. The good news: I have a brain. There are the kids, of course. Sharon, if she has time... - And me... - If you have time. I know what you mean and won't play along. I just think it could be a long time. If this doesn't work maybe he'll have more chemo or something else. They have to make a schedule. If this doesn't work he'll be dead in a few months. And he'll never bother you again. What a *** thing to say. So? Seems useful. I'm all for it. I was told that you didn't want it. He didn't know you were sexy. He thought the nurse'd be a fat ***. Why do you have a rifle? He shoots at junkies using an unlocked bike as bait. Strange hobby. Stealing bikes is also a strange hobby. Those addicts don't have many options. - Quit using and get a job? - Exactly. That "poor addict" *** makes my skin crawl. If you bring our espresso-maker over, Simon can make coffee. "If you bring our espresso maker..." Come on! Leave her alone, man. - I didn't mean to be irritating... - I know... Just don't talk so much. - Some people hate it. - Okay. Anything else? If you'd been normal, would you have wanted kids? Your *** comes with a huge check. But it's great watching them grow up. No regrets. Think you're some hot chick with that ponytail? - What's up? - Hey, man. I'm not so fluent in "Horse". As you can see, the tumor has hardly reacted to the chemo. Actually, we can even see that it's spread since the chemo. So it's getting really difficult. Most troubling is, we're in an area of the brain... ...which houses the most crucial functions. Yeah, you can't just slash away at it... An operation is not an option. I'm pretty sure other surgeons would give the same diagnosis. Couldn't you find someone with a sense of tumor... ...who could snip around the crucial areas. I'm not trying to mock your profession. Just my black humor. We could try another bout of chemo, but you haven't really reacted to it. I'm not really into the idea either. I'm glad you came along, really. It's just normal. It's starting to hit me, man. It's a cliché, but you first think about the kids. You do? Well, I don't have any so I have no idea what that would mean. The world would keep turning. It doesn't really need me. I'll keep it turning. You're a good one. You see the lighter side, just like me. Open your kisser. Good. Any idea what'll happen with the kids... ...when Simon's no longer here? Of course I could do it. But with the hassles between Tubbs and Simon... And Joy and I are hardly buddy-buddy. It's still a bit strange. It feels as if one tooth is bigger. Just don't get it knocked out again, honey. Camiel! There's an egg roll in our microwave. Your fiancé said it was ok. - Light therapy. - She's staying for dinner. Nelson's coming as well. Expensive hobby, those Cohens. - So you're getting married? - Yes, we are. Who are the lucky brides, then? Nice sense of humor, your brother. Hey bunny slopes, pass the sauce. Everyone thinks my sister's a ***. In terms of my role in general, I think that... ...though it's only a cog in the wheel... ...we should look at the situation in the coming months... I think you're mood upgrading. - I hope it can go further than that. - It's not about how you feel. My father's getting sick and dying. I'm not going to get sick and want to talk about that. Get your feet off my table. Get a job! - I've got one. - Get another one. I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a bonsai. Remember the cases in the Cancer Clinic? It's terrible. I'd rather get the needle... ...than wear diapers. Oh, man. Now, that's really personal. Only you can decide. Hey, Woodpecker. Medical science can do wonders. But not with what I've got... That's heavy ***. Officially, it must be a voluntary... ...and well-weighed decision of your own volition. And it has to be medically incurable. Another doctor must approve your euthanasia. Samantha, come here. You'll knock over the shelves and wail. Tell Sharon what Daddy bought yesterday. - Buddha. - A great big Buddha, right? Which you can't... ...touch. It's four feet tall. I said: "What's it for?" But he likes it... The States has "involuntary euthanasia". If you're black and another brother shoots a cop dead, they're like: "They all look alike anyway..." - I don't think blacks look alike. - No? No. Your black man is plain butt and butt ugly, but some are good looking. I know a few sisters, who, well... What's "ugly"? Her husband. He's hideous! He's so hideous he should report to the Department of Science as the missing link. Seriously, Simon. Put your hands here. - Where? - Wherever you want... You're so lucky I'm sick. - Simon, don't sneak out, will you? - I'm just an old fart. No way. Another lesson tomorrow? Hey, sweetie. Be careful, all right? Coming to my G.P. Tomorrow? 9:30. I'd like that. - No problem, Simon. - Cool. Guitar lessons! That girl's nineteen. So what? My whole class is creaming for him. Camiel... You think Simon's scared, deep down? I've only seen Simon scared once. In Thailand. Camiel! He was standing above a waterfall and had to jump for a Vietnam film. He'd never done that before... Did he jump in the end? Of course. What did you think? How could I know? This is a safety net to prevent an impulsive decision. So you don't ask for a shot when you're tanked up. That sounds logical. Things might improve after a bad time. Nothing's predictable. I'm easily tired since I lost 25 pounds. It's a strange idea that I won't be around anymore. But you weren't around before you were born and don't remember a thing. Blaise Pascal, French philosopher: "Life is a moment between two eternities." I'm not the only one who says so. - No. I heard it. - Just checkin'. Next week off to Thailand with the kids. The girl's got a break. Back to the roots. Maybe they'll want to stay when I'm gone. They've got grandparents and cousins. Might get their Thai blood flowing. Blood's just a means of transport. You are where you grew up. Yours are posh Amsterdam kids. They're allergic to trees. Well, they can choose. They haven't been there in 3 years. You should come too, Of course. You and that butt-buddy of yours. I can't. I have tons of patients. Thailand? It's the last time Simon can go and he wants me to join him. Why don't you go to Thailand? - What was that? - He's got too much work. Well, suit yourself. - I have ways of changing his mind. - You ***! Jesus! Idiot! I'm not wrestling pythons and one beetle longer than my prick and I'm gone. Joan Collins takes less baggage when she emigrates. If it's a loin-cloth vacation, I'll just take three thongs. - Behave yourself there! - Sure. Tolerance is my trademark. I said you're getting hitched. They think my Thai's got worse or something. Don't explain it to them. I'm feeling a little ***... The coconut milk and Mekong whiskey can ferment strangely. Just chuck it up. I'm not a hard-core puker. It's scary. Gays are scared of everything. You want to keep it down? Stray dogs think it's a three-star dinner. They stick their tongues in and slurp, slurp. It's a pity he's not here. I checked on him twice and he's in a coma. He can't take much. No, that's not true. Is that a Schweizerstein? - Yes. Bought it at Dubai airport. - Bram has one, but chrome. Sure. Fell off a Taiwanese truck? Hey, there's Bram! If that's Bram, he's looking better. Thanks. I'm Gisela. Are you German? No, thank God! How's your beer? Cooly-mooly... imitates German soccer commentator I'm going to go give my curly kid a Thai message with a "Happy Ending". Sicko. Auf wiedersehen! - Keep watch on your father. - Sure. - Kiss! Joy want kiss! - And your drunken sister. When's the wedding? Well... April... we think early April. So I'll plan my thing in about May. You can't just plan that. Who knows how long you'll be okay? Every week counts. The hospital said I'd lose vital functions within 3 months. - Who knows how long? - I'd prefer to be a step ahead. A football player quits while he's ahead. If you plan late April, then I'll go for mid-May. Sorry, Simon. I'd rather not link the two. What?! So my wedding day fixes the day you die? Use your fists! Your fists! Kids never listen. Ganz nicht ubel. Gar nicht ubel. And in Dutch? Not bad. - We're not so important anymore. - Really! You're just like Simon with your boyfriends. - No I'm not. - You are, chalkboard. - Stay out of the hut. - Who says? I do! This is really funny... Remember Ellen? - You know why she has one eye? - A Turk came in it. - Tunisian. - A Turk. I bet you 10 euros. Hand it over. I know he was Tunisian. Up the tree, phoney Thai. You saw how it's done. Go grab a coconut for your old man. Show me the Thai in your blood! Yeah, whatever. It's so strange for me to see your father in such a good mood... ...knowing that he'll be gone by May 10. What do you mean, May 10? That is when he's going to... I thought you already... May 10 - that's three months! That doesn't mean that it'll happen. He might still feel fine then. - Once Simon sets his mind to it... - Of course not. Simon wants to stay with us. Especially you... ...and your ugly brother. He told that stupid *** first. I wouldn't make an issue out of it. That's not the point. Let's not make tissues over it. No, let's not make tissues! No euthanasia. - Keine... - I understood you. More time would just make it easier for me... ...and Nelson as well. So if Simon... ...was less Simon as he gets sicker... ...it'd be easier for you because it'd be in stages. Less hard. Less sudden. Maybe. Simon! Your breakfast. We're landing in an hour and a half. Not quite awake yet? I'm not feeling so *** and span. You want something to eat? I need to think about it. Don't eat airline food. Almost home. We'll get a snack from the bakery. - "Selfish" is different. He's her father. - And he'll do what he wanted to avoid! And it'll get a lot worse. Quiet... or he'll wake up. Not with half a pharmacy down his throat. - But it's his choice in the end. - No, it's not. If you say so, he won't do it. You know that. You want him to be a vegetable at the end? Yeah, go on and cry. Am I really such a stupid ***? I'm the stupid ***. I forgot to get the coffee. You're anything but a stupid ***. One more thing. Is there some drug... ...that would make things a little easier for him? - Prednisone isn't working, is it? - No. That's a pity. It works for 99%. What about spliffs? Normal, I guess. Nothing extreme. A few joints can help at this stage. - He doesn't need a prescription. - No. It's a bummer. People see you half alive. So embarrassing. Hey, Simon? What's up, doll? Something is bothering me. The fact that the decision about the euthanasia... ...that you have more or less left it to Joy... I don't think that's right. She made it clear that she couldn't handle the injection. So, no shot. But I think that would be even harder on her. She feels like she has your fate in her hands. I'm going to die anyway, right? I'm a walking tumor. We all die one day... What if she suddenly says "Go on, do it"? She'd blame herself if you went earlier than if she had stuck to her decision. And if she continues to oppose it... ...she'll feel guilty as you suffer. It should always remain your choice. Even if you decide not to do it. If it were my choice, I'd go through with it. But it is your choice! Yours and yours alone... ...in fact. Friday won't do! Half my mother's side will be at Shabbat! No! Thursday evening is ***. Everyone has to work next day. Thursday. Has to be. Fine. Have it your own way. Go get dolled up! It's set for the 25th, Simon. Thursday. Ok. So I'll keep the tenth. May 10. We talked about it all morning. - You're absolutely sure. - Absolutely. Does Joy know? She went to Appelscha with her guy. I'll tell her tonight. I'm not looking forward to it. She's a grown woman, Simon. You forget that. Bruce, you're driving the parrot crazy! I'll tug your ear off! You don't listen, so don't need it. Something completely different. As you know, we're getting married. And I wanted to ask you if you'd be my witness... Witness? Like: "It was them, your honor. I saw them behind the bushes. "Committing unnatural acts. "Lock 'em up!" Something like that. And then you sign your name and then... Would you? - He's really touched. See that? - Well, "touched"? I'm honored. I am. You are? How lovely, Simon. Yeah, it is. Christ. We're closed, alright? I think it's Joy. What are you doing? It's over a month away, Edith Bunker. Just making a general list. - I'm going to bed. - Sweet dreams. You guys going to bed? Technically, yes. But I can always change my plans. - The twenty-fifth? - Yes. We'll go find you a nice suit. I want something vulgar. A suit that says "Here I am!" No, you need a subtle suit. But with a loud tie. I have to educate you a bit. I'm going to fashion school. Don't need exit exams for that. Forget graduation. I wouldn't pass anyway. How was your talk with Simon? Long. But I can't talk about it now. We'll just watch some TV, okay? We can talk about your wedding party. Yes. You in a dress. That would be funny? It's stupid. Stupid? Me in a dress? Great idea. I've worn one. Bram was in shock. I'd borrowed a Chanel from a friend. All made up like a woman. I came home at four a.m. You should've seen Bram's face! I didn't make it to the toilet. So embarrassing. We'll clean it up, don't worry. - No reason to be ashamed. - Go *** yourself. Don't you clean up your own puke? Leave me alone. A day before your party, too. I'm losing it here. You'll be there, buddy. One way or another. Or we'll have a satellite link and a big screen. I'd zap to another channel... Just a little slip, man. Simon, do you usually take 50 or 100 mg? The box is over there. Yes, it's 100. Should he take it more often or increase the dosage? This is my last night in the house where I was raised my girlhood went so quickly still have to get used to "Mrs" everything will be different soon "goodbye" is a bit painful I know it when I shut my eyes tomorrow I'll be the bride the time flies by a bird leaves the nest tomorrow I'll be the bride it'll be a sleepless night in the house where I was raised Daddy thank you you're a love I had a great childhood mother sweet you gaze at me and laugh but I still see a tear I'm still your child it doesn't change I'll be the bride ...***! A monkey with a golden ring will always be an ugly thing. It's just so perfect. You people are always good at that. Always? This is my first wedding. You know what I mean. - Hey. - Hey, Simon. - How are we doing? - Oh, man, it's such a rush. I'm heading out soon. I feel a bit droopy now and then. I think it's fantastic that you came. Truly. Joy is really fond of you. Yeah? Well... that's nice to hear. I've been thinking about it for a while... As you may know... But it would be fantastic if you... if you guys could sort of half-adopt the kids or something... Half-adopt? Or completely... You're married now, so you can. The girl's grown up, but the boy... I don't know if you and Bram want to... but the kids would love it. - Camiel, we're leaving... - Thanks darling. Christ, Simon. A bolt from the blue. It's also a strange moment, of course. I've got another present for you. I saw that coming. I didn't. At least not as a real option. My first instinct is: Do it. But you have to think about it, 200 times over. First instincts are closest to your feelings. - You know what it involves? - Yes. All kinds of things. All kinds of things... and more. "We had kids right after our wedding." - Think it over a little longer. - But not too long. Hi. Hey... Hey, Patch Adams. How's the honeymoon? Spare the details. We've been in it for years now. You're quiet, old man. No more than usual. It's just that when I came in, I suddenly thought... That I was dying? No way. Every night's a dress rehearsal. I lie on my back and put on a terminal grin. Little Cohen comes and lies next to me. Top of the world. The future doesn't exist. Sometimes we're happier than we ever were. Now is what matters. We're too focused on past and future when now's all that counts. You thought that up yourself? I can quote you, can't I? Heavy, isn't it? You can't do nothing about it. If only you could. I'll make coffee. Simon spoke to me today about the money. The inheritance. A lot is as black as tar, so you can't really put it on paper. And the funeral will be expensive. We found him a nice spot in a graveyard by the River Amstel. And we'll get something. And of course a lot goes to the kids. And fifty-grand to Save the Apes. By "we", you mean... You, me... Ellen, Marco. I know it's strange to get money because someone's died. I don't even need it. I could put it in the bank for Bruce. Do you ever think, when you see him, that it's a little soon? For euthanasia? Two tumors are fusing in his throat. If he waits, he'll suffocate. All these time-bombs are ticking and can't be stopped. I'm going to miss you guys. Well, "miss". I guess I wouldn't notice. Kind of practical, actually. Hand me those bowls. Or I'll have to walk the wok. Bram... I can't really eat those kiwis. My throat won't take them. I should have told you earlier. You spent all day at the stove in your nice shirt. Someone will eat them. Can you sign sometime this week? For the big event. - Event? - The euthanasia. It's like a wedding, but different. It's not official, more symbolic. If I can't decide for myself, at least there'd be something on paper. On one condition, and that is... I talked to Sharon... She told me that you wanted to help me out financially... Well... I don't want you to. Absolutely not. Then you get jack. I'll leave you jack ***. Just leave it to "Save the Nile Elephants". Nice, Camiel. Nile elephants don't exist. But there is the Stubborn *** Charity. If he's asleep then leave it. I'll come back another time. Yeah, but he wakes up sometimes. I'll have a look. Camiel and Bram will adopt us. So I heard. Do you get along with 'em... I don't dare bring it up. Dying is the most private thing there is. Just a hug by the door would be terrible. Maybe he only wants Sharon and the kids there. Anyway. I realize it's not about me. A little self-centeredness rearing its ugly head. If the euthanasia has to wait a week... ...I'll dissolve all by myself. You look fine, doll. I hope it's not windy tomorrow or I'll be blown into the North Sea. A nice way to die, drowning. You see colors. That's just adrenaline. You'll be here tomorrow? Yes... I will. And in the evening? - Yes. Cos tonight there's soccer. - Yes! Say: "Your hair looks nice." - Um... your hair looks nice. - Yeah... Wanna ***? Not bad, eh? Love your white trousers... Wanna ***? - We ***, didn't we? - Yeah. - We did too. - I didn't like that. Me neither. Me neither. So. Finished. - All better? - Yes. - Wanna ***? - Yes. I'm going to my house for a shower. Back in an hour. - Good morning. - Morning. - Jesus, Bram, I can't handle it today. - You have to. Sometimes you have to, Camiel. You have to be there for him. You know what I miss? Sometimes... It's really stupid... the rituals. Some God I can kick. How d'you think the kids feel? It's even harder for them. We'll love them, right? Of course we're going to love them. We're good at it. You probably more than me. - You don't want them to see you like that. - Camiel can. Camiel can. You're lucky. You've got three fathers: Me, Camiel and Bram. They'll just saw off Bram's nuts and make him into a mother. A really ugly mother. Death doesn't make any difference. You know what I mean, Cohen? Come on, time to eat. Or Hassan cooked for nothing. It was truly a great day. You guys had a lot of luck with the weather. And that you're all here. I'm lucky anyway. I'm one lucky ***. Hey now, cry baby. What time is it? Doesn't matter. Time doesn't exist. That's a good one. Time doesn't exist. I'll remember that one. It'll be all right, Cohen. No, because soon you won't be here any more. You think so? There's still a little Simon in you. I'm a little early, I think. Well. Time doesn't exist, right? We just determined that time does not exist. - How was the beach today? - Super. Everything was perfect. The weather... Today's the day, Camiel. Yeah. Days are getting longer. That's May. In June it stays light until 10:30. You know, this day hung over me like that sword of Damascus. You're going bald... Old ***! You can talk, bristle-head. We're ready. So, if you... Right of way, man... All my life, that nutter's been in the way. Oh boy... It's the Paralympics over here. This arm, then? Yeah, I don't know. I'm a bit dazed from the morphine. But I'm feeling okay... Today must have tired you out. No... Is it quick? It's quick. Stupid, no? That I never asked how quickly it would go. This will be a little unpleasant. Oh, I'm no wimp. Gee... Kinda high, isn't it... Translation: Sara Bobkoff, Jorrit van Laar, Martin Cleaver