Rushmore - English Transcript

If, and only if, both sides of the numerator... is divisible by the inverse of the square root... of the two unassigned variables. Good. Except when the value of the "X" coordinate... is equal to or less than the value of one. - Yes, Isaac? - What about that problem? Oh, that? Don't worry about that. - "M" is... - Wait. Why? I just put that up as a joke. That's probably the hardest geometry equation in the world. How much extra credit is it worth? Well, considering I've never seen anyone get it right, including my mentor, Dr. Leaky at M.I.T., I guess if anyone here can solve that problem, I'd see to it that none of you ever have to open another math book again... for the rest of your lives. Max? Care to try it? I'm sorry, did someone say my name? You got it. Fischer! Fischer! Fischer! Fischer! Fischer! Thank you. You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because, the fact is, you go to one of the best schools in the country: - Rushmore. - Shh. Now, for some of you, it doesn't matter. You were born rich, and you're going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs... and take them down. Just remember: They can buy anything, but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget that. Thank you. Free for graduation, Herman? Perhaps you could give us an encore. - Nicholas! Copernicus! - I don't give a ***. I paid for the whole damn natatorium. The least these little pricks can do is hear me out. - Hi, Dr. Guggenheim. - Hello, Max. Hello, I'm Max Fischer. I just wanted to say that I strongly agree with your views concerning Rushmore. Um... your speech was excellent. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Hello. Oh, Mr. Blume, this is my chapel partner, Dirk Calloway. Nice to meet you, Dirk. Well, thanks. You know... I really think you're right about Rushmore. Come on, Dirk. - What's his name again? - Max Fischer. Sharp little guy. He's one of the worst students we've got. You! You're out! We're putting you on what we call "sudden death academic probation". And what does that entail? It entails that if you fail another class, you'll be asked to leave Rushmore. In other words, I'll be expelled. That's correct. Could I see some documentation on that, please? Too many extracurricular activities, Max. Not enough studying. Dr. Guggenheim, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but, the fact is, no matter how hard I try, I still might flunk another class. If that means I have to stay on for a postgraduate year, then so be it, but... We don't offer a postgraduate year. Well... we don't offer it yet. Just bring up the grades. Do you remember how I got into this school? - Yes. You wrote a play. - That's right. Second grade. A little one act about Watergate. And my mother read it and felt I should go to Rushmore. And you read it, and you gave me a scholarship, didn't you? Mm-hmm. - Do you regret it? - No, I don't regret it. But I still might have to expel you. Couldn't... Couldn't we just let me float by? For old time's sake? Can't do it, Max. - They want to kick me out. - Oh, no, not again. - What are you gonna do? - The only thing I can do: try and pull some strings with the administration, I guess. Did you hear they're teaching Japanese next year? That's the rumor. And they're canceling Latin. What? I tried to get Latin canceled for five years. "It's a dead language," I'd always say. Well, I guess they finally heard you. Excuse me. Could I please see a list of all the people... who've checked out this book in the past year? Why? Look at that. "I have seen wicked men and fools, a great many of both; "and I believe they both get paid in the end. "But the fools first. Chapter 15. The Lad with the Silver Button." - Meet me on the corner in ten minutes. - Where are you going? I'll tell you in the squad car. Oh, and, Willie, you were wrong about Enrique Sanchez. He died in his sleep. Excellent. That was excellent. That was great. That was great. Um, Irving... could you get some root beers for anybody who wants one? - I don't want one, okay? - Okay. All right, next scene. Frank, you enter stage right with a bag of ***. I was just telling Mr. Calloway the other day how fortunate we are... - to have someone like you looking out for Dirk. - Oh, don't be silly. Dirk's a great kid, and I'm just trying to impart... some of the experiences I've accrued to help him. This has my number on it if you need to call me... or need help with Dirk or anything like that. Well, thank you very much. Hello, Dirk. - Hi, Mom. - How are you, honey? - Fine. - Bye. It was so nice to see you again. - Hey, Dirk. How'd your math test go? - What math test? - I thought you had a math test today. - No. Did you turn in your paper on the Berlin Airlift? Yeah, I got an extension. - Hey, George. - So how'd it go with Mrs. Calloway? - We shook hands. - Big deal. And I gave her my phone number. Buchan said he'd have already banged her by now. What? Just tell that deformed Scottish gorilla to shut his fat face. That's my best friend's mother he's talking about. I always thought that's why you picked Dirk as your chapel partner. What are you, a lawyer? Hey, Mr. Blume. Hey, it's Max Fischer. - Oh, hi. - Hey, Max, my mom just showed up. Is it okay if I leave early? Over. Sure, Charlie. What's the secret, Max? - "The secret"? - Yeah. Well, you seem to have it pretty figured out. The secret. I don't know. Uh... I think you just gotta find something you love to do, and then do it for the rest of your life. For me, it's going to Rushmore. Shotgun. - Hey, Ronny. Hey, Donny. How you guys... - Get in the back. I said, "Shotgun". Get in the back, Donny. Let's go. Did you invite that kid to your party? - Max Fischer? - Come on, Dad. There's gonna be girls there. - I'd rather die. - Pull your head out of your ***. - Good night, Mr. Littlejeans. - Good night, Max. I'll see you tomorrow. May I see the back, please? Certainly. How's that? Thank you. I need a signature on this geometry test, by the way. Let's see. - Hmm. - I know, I know. A 37. Oh, I don't know what to do anymore. It could have been worse. You almost got the "A". "Almost got the 'A"'? Dad, what are you writing? Maybe I'm spending too much of my time starting up clubs... and putting on plays. That's possible. I should probably be trying harder to score chicks. That's the only thing anybody really cares about. It's not my forte, unfortunately. It'll happen, Max. It's just... You're like one of those clipper ship captains. You're married to the sea. Yes, that's true. But I've been out to sea for a long time. - Hello. - Hi. I like your hat. Oh, thank you. You're a teacher here, aren't you? And this is your first year at Rushmore, I take it. Uh-huh. And how long have you been a smoker, if you don't mind me asking? Well, let's see now. How old are you? Fifteen. - Since I was your age. - You're kidding. You should quit. You're right. And I should mind my own business. Where did you go to school, by the way? - Harvard. - Really? That's a coincidence. My top schools where I want to apply to are Oxford and the Sorbonne. My safety's Harvard. - That's very ambitious. - Thank you. What do you want to study? Well... I haven't decided for sure, but probably a double major in mathematics and premed. What was your major? I didn't have a major, but my thesis was on Latin American economic policy. Oh, that's interesting. Did you hear they're not going to teach Latin here anymore? This was more like Central America. Oh, Central America and whatnot. Hmm. But moving on: They're gonna cancel Latin. They've got to make room for Japanese. That's a shame because all the Romance languages were based on Latin. Yeah, they are, aren't they? Nihilo sanctum estne? What's that? Oh, it's Latin, isn't it? What does that mean? "Is nothing sacred?" Sic transit gloria. Glory fades. I'm Max Fischer. - Hi. - Hi. - Come on, come on. File out. - Sign here, please. - Sic transit gloria. - All right, all right. In summation, I have only one question: Is Latin dead? Why don't you just *** off, Fischer, you dotty skid mark? Was that Latin? Never in my wildest imagination... did I ever dream I would have sons like these. What's your dad do, Max? He's a neurosurgeon... at, uh, St. Joseph's Hospital. Personally, I could never see myself cutting open somebody's brain, but he seems to enjoy it. Oh, no, no, no. I got this one. - So you were in Vietnam, if I'm not mistaken? - Yeah. Were you in the ***? Yeah, I was in the ***. See you Sunday, Mr. Blume. - All right. - What's on Sunday? Oh, that's right. The twins' birthday party. Do you want to come? I'd love to, except I've already got a previous obligation to attend to. Yeah. Thanks for the invitation, though. Come work for me. - What do you mean? - I mean, I could use someone like you. Look, I may not be rich, Mr. Blume. My father may only be a doctor, but we manage. - One-twelves! - Excuse me, Mr. Blume. Nice talking to you. You're on the team? I'm an alternate. How you doin'? Good to see you again. Whoa. Neat. Miss Cross? I thought I'd just let you know as per our conversation, the other day... - Latin? - Right. The Romance languages. - Well, I gave a little speech. - I heard about this. Oh, you did? I understand you made a very convincing argument. I just thought you'd be pleased to hear they're gonna continue the Latin program. I'm very impressed. Well, thank you very much. Hey, you need an assistant? - Do we get to have an assistant around here? - No, I doubt it. I'm on scholarship, though... academic scholarship... so I get to do odd jobs and... Say, how did you decide to teach at Rushmore? My husband went here. I, uh... I didn't know you were married. Well, he's dead now. So I'm not, actually. When did he die? Last year. My mother's dead. I'm sorry to hear that. She died when I was seven. I guess we both have dead people in our families. What's going on in here? These were just born. I don't want alloys. I want steel. I don't give a rat's *** what he says. Steel, Harry. - So you've changed your mind, and you want the job? - No. But I've got an idea, and I need some money. What Rushmore needs is an aquarium... a first-class aquarium... where the scientists can lecture... and the students can observe the marine life in its natural habitat. - I don't know. What do you think, Ernie? - An aquarium? - What kind of fish? - Barracudas, stingrays, electric eel, trout, hammerheads, piranhas, giant squid, octopi... - Piranhas? Really? - Yes, I'm talking to a guy in South America. - What'd Guggenheim say? - Nothing. I felt I should go to you first. Why? Because at this moment, I feel the best strategy is to keep it low profile. The more preparation work I can do, the stronger our case will be... - when we take it to the administration. - How much money do you want? Thirty-five thousand dollars, for the initial plans. I'll give you 2,500. Okay. - Thank you. - You're welcome. - Max. - Mm-hmm? - Can I ask you something? - Sure. Has it ever crossed your mind that you're far too young for me? It crossed my mind that you might consider that a possibility. Yeah. Quite apart from the fact that you're a student... I'm not trying to pressure you into anything, Miss Cross. - I'm surprised you brought it up so bluntly. - I just want to make sure... - We've become friends, haven't we? - Yes. Good. And, um... the... the truth is, neither one of us has the slightest idea... where this relationship is going. - We can't predict the future. - We don't have a relationship, Max. - But we're friends. - Yes, and that's all we're going to be. That's all I meant by "relationship". You want me to grab a dictionary? No, I just want to make sure that we understand each other. I understand. You're not attracted to me. C'est la vie. Max, you're 15 years old. Attraction doesn't enter into it. If you say so. Look, all I'm getting at is that... that I've never met anyone like you. So you can take that for whatever it's worth. I think I can safely say I've never met anyone like you either. You haven't, have you? Want to shake hands? I'm glad we had this conversation. So am I. I can't wear a wire. They're feeling me up every day. Oh, come on, Frank. You'll have complete protection. Yeah, I've heard that one before. - I gotta put a dime in the meter. - Sit down, Frank. Joe, go put a dime in the meter for Officer Serpico. - Look, Serpico, if you agree to testify in open court... - No! - No, what? - No, I'm not gonna testify. Go, go, go. I'll expect your gun and your badge on my desk... - Promise me one thing, O'Reilly. - Name it. That you're gonna follow this thing all the way to the end... of the line... where I got to be. So help me God. - Someone coming out of the building. - I've got something! - Wait. This could be it. - There's action across the street. - Yeah, it's him. - It's Snowman. - He's getting on the "L" train! - Take him! - What happened to the cannoli line? - Max... You're supposed to say, "Forget about it, Sanchez. The old man likes his cannolis". Look, I made a mistake, all right? It didn't make any difference anyway. Hey, I'm letting it go, but don't say it doesn't matter. - Every line matters. - Get off my back! Don't *** with my play! - You *** ***... - Hey, break it up. Break it up. I'm gonna kill you. Max. Max. - I thought the acting tonight was excellent. - Thanks. Well, it was better in rehearsals. I'll catch up with you later, Dad. I got a dinner to go to. - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. Cast and crew only. - Oh. You need some money? - No, Dad. - Well, how was the slap? - It was good. - There he is. Max, that was great. - I'm so glad you could come. I want you to meet a friend of mine. Peter Flynn, Max Fischer. - Hi. - Who's this guy? - Peter. - I really liked your play. It was really cool. - Yeah. - What happened to your nose? - I got punched in the face. - Oh, boy. - What's your excuse? - Hey, author. - How you doing? - Nice job. - Thank you. - Gonna get to meet your dad tonight? Oh, no. The old man's on call. Mr. Blume, I'd like you to meet Miss Cross... and I didn't catch this young gentleman's name. I like your nurse's uniform, guy. These are O.R. scrubs. "O.R." they? Well, they're totally inappropriate for the occasion. Well, I didn't know we were going to dinner. That's because you weren't invited. - Take it easy, Max. - You were the one that ordered him a whiskey and soda. So what's wrong with that? I can write a hit play. Why can't I have a little drink to unwind myself? So, tell me, curly, how do you know Miss Cross? - We went to Harvard together. - Oh, that's great. I wrote a hit play and directed it. So I'm not sweating it either. Can we get a check, please? - What do you think you're doing? - Getting the check. No, you're not. Excuse me. I just want to thank you for accommodating us. You see, we only thought we were going to be three, but, uh, someone invited himself along, so I apologize. - Quite all right, sir. Very well. - Okay. You're being rude, Max. - No, I'm not. - Yes, you are. No, I'm not. I'm just trying to figure out why you brought this gentleman to my play... and my dinner, which was invitation only. - Would you like me to pass you the creamer, Doc? - Yes, please. - What is wrong with you? - What is wrong with you? You hurt my feelings! This night was important to me! How did I hurt your feelings? Oh, my God! I wrote a hit play! And I'm in love with you. Put that a little bit there. - Hi. - Were you hiding over there? Uh, I didn't want to disrupt class. What's that you're painting? That's a... a jellyfish. What can I do for you, Mr. Blume? Max wants to talk to you. - What for? - To apologize, I think. Should we talk over here? He sent you? Yeah. Are you his messenger? No, I'm his friend. You were right. I should not have allowed him to drink. I don't think I should see Max anymore. Well, he's not gonna like the sound of that. No. No, I know, but... I think I let him get too attached. What do you think? Well, I think you did your best. Tell him I'm sorry. Okay. What is your first name? Rosemary. What's yours? Herman. He wrote you a letter. Dear Miss Cross, I would like to take this opportunity to formally apologize... for the events of the night of the 23rd. I'm not accustomed to drinking alcohol. Please do me the service of coming to the unveiling of a new venture I've undertaken. I hope you will attend, if possible. I remain your friend, Max Fischer. Cut the music and no more pictures. - What time is it, Alan? - 1:15. Excuse me, gentlemen. Hey, lay off the chips, Buchan. Did you see her? - She's not here. - Well, go check her classroom. - Shall I go ahead and take care of this tree? - Let's wait a few minutes. - What's going on here, Maxie? - Oh, hey, Coach Beck. Good to see you. This is where we're putting in the new aquarium. I'm in charge of the committee, if you can believe it. This is my baseball diamond. Yeah, I know, and I believe it's being relocated a few feet over. Is it true the aquarium will have piranhas? - Where did you hear that? - My source indicated that it was a possibility. Yes, it's true, but piranhas are a very tricky species. - Max? - Excuse me, George. - Bad news. - What's the story? - She had a substitute teacher today. - Why? - I guess she got sick. - You know she's not sick. Give me the phone. Janet, Max Fischer. Is Mr. Blume there? Well, where is he? *** it. He's supposed to be here. I don't give a *** about the barracudas, but, *** it, I'm building it anyway. Max! Where are those damn chain saws coming from? - He's right over there! - Max! - Max! - Oh, hello, Dr. Guggenheim. - What the hell do you think you're doing? - We're having a fund-raiser for the... Turn that damn thing off! Tell me this isn't happening. Dr. Guggenheim, I'd rather not have this conversation in front of my crew. ...chapter seven. One more thing. We have a new student with us today. His name's Max Fischer, and he's actually asked... to say a few words to the class. Max, you want to take it away? Sure. Thanks very much. I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Max Fischer. I'm a former student of Rushmore Academy, which I recently got expelled from. This is my first time in a public school. I know you probably think I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but I'm no elitist. I think you've got some great facilities, and I'm really looking forward to making the best of it here at Grover Cleveland. One footnote. I notice you don't have a fencing team. Well, I'm gonna try my hardest to start one up for you guys. - Max? - Yes? Hi, I'm Margaret Yang. I'm in Mrs. Whitney's class. - I just wanted to tell you that I liked your speech. - Thank you. I don't think I've ever heard of anyone asking to give a speech in class before. No? How unfortunate. The silver spoon remark might rub some people the wrong way, - but I think I know... - What do you mean? - Well... - You know what? I gotta go into class in here. I'll see you later, Mrs. Chang. En garde! Janet, Max Fischer. Is he in? Yeah? Okay. Hey, Max, how's it going? Terrible. Tell me something. When you talked to Miss Cross the other day... Do you have a telephone pass? - Excuse me. Do you have a telephone pass? - One second. I gotta tell ya, I don't know what you see in her. I don't think she's right for you. What's that supposed to mean? I mean, she's not that beautiful. She's not that intriguing. I mean, she has something that you can't put your finger on, but... Look, Mr. Blume, your comments are valuable, but let's get to the point. - Son? - Will she see me again, yes or no? - No. - Hang on. I'm talking on the telephone. Oh, come on. That's rude. Hey, Fischer. You better beat it, sonny. You know, Fischer, I've been watching you. Showboat. Always talkin'. Picking a kid like Dirk because his mother's a great piece, and then getting nowhere. Like everything you do. Big show. No results. What do you call getting a hand job from Mrs. Calloway in the back of her Jaguar? A *** lie. You think I got kicked out for just the aquarium? Nah. It was the hand job. You want to know something else? It was worth it. I'm sorry I embarrassed you at dinner. And please apologize to what's-his-name for me. I will. You okay? Yeah, I'm fine, but I miss Rushmore. I miss the seasons. Watching the leaves change. By the way, what time does the library close? I've got an overdue book to turn in. That is your handwriting, isn't it? My husband gave me this book... when he came to visit England when I was 13 and he went to Rushmore. So when he died, I gave it to the library here. You remind me of him, you know? I do? How? Well... you were a member of the Rushmore Beekeepers, weren't you? Yeah. I was president of them. He founded that club. Do you think we can be friends again, Miss Cross? - In-In a strictly platonic way? - Of course I do. Do you think you can make a go of it and settle down at Grover Cleveland? Yeah, but I need a tutor. Fighting Owls, let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Okay, what else do we got? - Alan's got the birds for your approval. - I'll take the green one. - And here's the knife. - That's too fake. - Hi, Max. - Hello. What's your name again? - Margaret Yang. - Margaret Yang. What are you doing seventh period, Margaret Yang? - I have guitar lessons. - Classical guitar or... In what school? - Rock. - Ro... That's good. We can get you out of that. Could I see you without your glasses on, please? Let's put Margaret down for 3:30 in the auditorium, ***. Thank you. And-And bring a head shot, please. Hello, Herman. - How are you, Rosemary? - I'm fine, thanks. I just got home, and I'm having a little snack. - Having some carrots? - Yeah. Nice house. Yeah. Um, it isn't mine. I'm just sort of house-sitting. Um... you were in the neighborhood? Uh... did Max have something planned for us today? A trip to the museum or something? No, I don't think so. I think he's rehearsing tonight. Oh, that's right. He's doing his new play. Yeah, he's really making a go of it over there at Grover Cleveland. Yeah, he's doing very well, isn't he? Do you want a carrot? Yeah, I'll have one of those. Thank you. Well, I'll probably be seeing you soon. Or we could go for a walk now, if you like. Sure. The weather's nice, isn't it? A little brisk. I'll just get a sweater. I'll be back in a minute. Dirk? I know about you and the teacher. - Does Max know? - No, and I don't want him to know, ever. I just want it to stop right now. You're a married man, Blume, and you're supposed to be his friend. Look, Dirk, I am his friend. Oh, yeah. And with friends like you, who needs friends? Unlock it! Little Calloway. You're standing up for the wrong guy. Fischer ain't your mate. What are you talking about, Buchan? He thinks your mom's good for a bonk. That's the only reason he picked you as his chapel partner. - Who sold you that crock? - He told me himself. He says she gave him a hand job in the backseat of her bloody Jaguar. - Max would never say that. - Yeah. I suppose you're right. After all, the son of a brain doctor doesn't need to impress anybody now, does he? The killing's gotta stop, esse. It's getting too loco. - No more gats. - ***, you're the crazy one. People be trying to kill you. Are you talkin' about you're gonna get rid of your gun? It's time, homey. Kiss me, Little Juan. All right, then he kisses her and we're out. Okay. Is that for me? Dear Max, I am sorry to say that I have secretly found out... that Mr. Blume is having an affair with Miss Cross. My first suspicions came when I saw them Frenching in front of her house, and then I knew for sure when they went skinny-dipping in Mr. Blume's swimming pool, giving each other hand jobs while you were taking a nap on the front porch. Why am I telling you this now? Because you're such a good friend. Take care, pal. Fondly, Dirk Calloway. God. How was she, Herman? Jesus Christ. Was she good? I bet she was. Although, I wouldn't know because I never screwed her. Going skinny-dipping while I took a nap. "Are you comfortable, Max? I'll just, uh, be out back, nude, getting hand jobs from the woman you love." We never went skinny-dipping. Sure, you didn't. And next you're gonna tell me... you didn't just walk out of her house at 2:00 in the morning. I'm in love with her. Well, I was in love with her first. And all that crap about, "I don't think she's that great. I don't think she's right for you, Max." That was all ***, wasn't it? Do you think she's in love with you? I don't know. Well, I guarantee you she's not, and she never will be. Max. I saved Latin. What did you ever do? On the planet I come from... the sun only comes out once a year. - That is why my skin... - Excuse me. Oh, I'm sorry. I just came by to thank you for wrecking my life. Max, what are you doing? Hello, Mrs. Blume. This is Max Fischer. I have some information regarding your husband. Please return my call on my voice mail: Grover Cleveland High School, extension 23. Thank you very much. Thank you for meeting me. You're welcome. Would you like a sandwich? All right. I have a tuna and peanut butter and jelly. Sorry it's not something more exotic. - I'll take the tuna fish. - Okay. Milk or apple juice? Get to the point. Okay. Your husband's... - How long will you be staying with us, Mr. Blume? - Indefinitely. - I'm being sued for divorce. - Very good, sir. Yo, shorty. Say, can you tell me where the pool is located? I might want to take a dip after I have dinner and hit the bar. It's on the roof, sir. He's about five foot three, 112 pounds, black hair, glasses, oval face. Thanks for bailing me out, Dad. Can you drop me off at Rushmore? - I gotta go get a teacher fired. - I don't think that's wise, Max. Whoa! What are you doing? What are you doing? - This is private property! You're trespassing! - What, are you crazy? Wait a minute! Stop! - Let's have a truce for a second. - Wait! Truce! Truce! What's this all about? Did you say my mom gave you a hand job? - What? - Did you say it? Who told you that *** lie? Never mind. I know who said it. I think I'm gonna stick a knife in his heart, then I'm gonna send him back to Ireland in a body bag. He's from Scotland. Well, tell that stupid Mick he just made my list of things to do today. I'm gonna pop a cap in his ***. So you received the package? Good. I just wanted to inform you about what's going on. I never took you for an informer, Max. What's that supposed to mean? "What's that supposed to mean?" She resigned this morning before I even got your little snapshots. So your latest attempt at sabotage backfired. But she's one of the best teachers you've got. How could you let her go? - Why are you trying to get her fired? - You stupid old fool! I'm trying to win her back! Miss Cross? Hi, Max. - Need any help? - No, I have it. - Oh, here, let me see. - No. Please. Look, I don't think you should come in here. Look, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry I love your friend instead of you, but... - Please, Max... - You honestly believe you love Blume instead of me? Yes. Well, you'll have to forgive me if I don't take your word for that. - Oh, stop. - Miss Cross... - Listen, if you don't stop, I'm gonna lose it. I mean it! Don't... - It's too late. It's too late. Wait. Please. I got kicked out because of you. - No, you got kicked out... - Rushmore was my life. - Now you are. - No, I'm not. What do you really think is gonna happen between us? Do you think we're gonna have sex? That's a kind of cheap way to put it. Not if you've ever *** before, it isn't. Oh, my God. How would you describe it to your friends? Would you say that you'd fingered me? Or maybe I could give you a hand job. Would that put an end to all of this? Please get out of my classroom. Fresh are you, sporty, me ***-up. Hey, Magnus. Got any good hand jobs lately? Hey, Dirk! Look who's here. It's your stepfather, waiting for your mom so that he can get a piece. Your mind's as warped as your ear, Buchan. Don't get nasty, brother. We got him, Dirk. We got him. Max? Oh, hey, Mr. Blume. You said you wanted to meet? W-When? Right now. You said you wanted to put an end to all this. Oh, yeah. I, uh, was gonna try and have that tree over there fall on you. - That big one? - Yup. It would have flattened me like a pancake. What stopped you? I don't know. What's the point? She loves you. She's my Rushmore, Max. Yeah, I know. She was mine too. Hello. Hi. I was wondering if Max was home. He's not in. I'm sorry. Good night, Stan. Merry Christmas. See you next time. It's been nice having your company here at the shop, Max. You put any more thought... - into giving school another shot? - No. Max, I like being a barber. I'm good at it. But I always thought you'd try another line of work. You talked about being a senator or a diplomat. Pipe dreams, Dad. I'm a barber's son. See you at dinner. Hello, Dirk. - Hi, Max. - What can I do for you? - I thought I might get a haircut. - We're closed. Well, I just want to say I'm sorry I threw rocks at you that day. But I guess I'll go now. Merry Christmas. What in the hell's that? So, did you hear the news? I doubt it. I don't really follow the news anymore. Dr. Guggenheim had a stroke. I'll send him a box of candy. Maybe you ought to go visit him. - Mrs. Guggenheim? - Hello, Max. Come in. It's so good to see you. Oh, these are glorious. I'll put them in some water. Have a seat. Should I say hello to Dr. Guggenheim or can he not hear me? No, he can hear you. Hey, old-timer. It's, uh, Max Fischer. You probably can't hear me because... - I don't know if your brain is damaged or... - What do you want? Nelson? That's the first thing he's said in ten days. Do you think he recognized me? - Oh, I don't think so. - It's Fischer. See ya later. Bye. Hope you feel better. Hey, amigo. So, who gave you the shiner? Either Ronny or Donny. Can't tell the difference anymore. Well, whichever one it was really clocked you. Hmm. Kids don't like it when their parents get divorced. - I don't blame 'em. - Neither do I. How is she? I really wouldn't know. - Why not? - I haven't seen her in six weeks. What happened? She left? She's in love with a dead guy anyway. Edward Appleby. You know, uh... she's sweet, but she's ***-up. - Adios, muchacho. - Hey, are you okay? Mmm, I'm a little bit lonely these days. Max? What are you doing here? I don't know. Jesus. They came at me out of nowhere. - It was... It was so sudden. - What? I'm sorry. Can I use your phone? - I just got hit by a car. - Oh, my God. Are you okay? Hmm? What did you say? - Come inside. - Thank you. - I'm gonna get something for your head. - Okay. So, this is where it all happens. - All what happens? - I wouldn't know. So, why did you dump Blume? - That's none of your business. - I know it's not. But I just got hit by a car, and I'm a little confused right now. I mean, I thought you dumped me for Blume. - Then I hear... - I never dumped you because we were never going out. It would just help me if you talked to me for a minute. Tell me what happened. Okay. Um, A: He's married. B: He hates himself. And C: Well, he smashed up your bicycle, - didn't he? - My previous bicycle, yes. - Well, what sort of person does something like that? - I don't know. War does funny things to men. He thinks you dumped him because of Edward Appleby. What does that mean? Well, I mean, you live in his room, with all his stuff. It's kind of... I was married to him. - I know you were. - Although, I will say... that Edward has more spark and character... and imagination in one fingernail... than Herman Blume has in his entire body. One dead fingernail. Right. One dead fingernail. How did he die, by the way? He drowned. How did your mother die? She got cancer. Hold still for a moment, okay? You're very pretty. Thank you. Is this fake blood? Yes, it is. You know, you and Herman deserve each other. You're both little children. Let me show you the door. I'll just go back out the window. - Good-bye, Miss Cross. - Good-bye, Max. Hey. I'm, uh... I'm sorry about what I said... about your mom giving me a hand job. I know, Max. I'm sorry I didn't take your hand when Buchan kicked your ***. Hey, uh, that's okay. What's that? I don't know. Nice landing. What's, uh... What's that you got there, a little flight plan or something? Hmm, pretty good. - Do you know Dirk Calloway? - I don't think so. Dirk, this is Margaret Yang. I, uh, heard about your science project on Action 13. - They said the Navy wants to buy it from you. That's... - No, not anymore. - Why not? - Because it was a fake. - What do you mean? - I faked all the results. - Why? - Because it didn't work. I thought it would, but it didn't. You're a real jerk to me, you know that? I'm sorry, Margaret. Well, anyway, nice to see you. Do you want to take over for a while? Take dictation, please. Possible candidates for Kite Flying Society. David Connors. Murray Marshall. Greg Holloway. Duncan Wright. Margaret Yang. *** Jackson. Shoeshine Pickens. - Thanks for meeting me, Mr. Blume. - What can I do for you? What's this? That's the Perfect Attendance Award and the Punctuality Award. I got those at Rushmore. I thought you could choose which one you like more... and you could wear that one, and I could wear the other. I'll take Punctuality. Okay. Come here. - Thank you. - Come on inside. Well, well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in. Sorry I'm late. That's okay. I want you to meet someone. Mr. Blume, this is my father, Bert Fischer. Nice to meet you, Mr. Fischer. Now Mr. Fischer was my father's name. Call me Bert, please. - Okay, Bert. - So, Max tells me you need a haircut. I can see that. Why don't you sit down, and we'll have a look. Mm-hmm. I don't know, Bert. Don't worry, Mr. Blume. It's a relatively painless procedure. Maybe we'll throw in a shave as well. Okay, are you fond of that mustache? Do you think you want to keep it for a while? Mm-hmm. - How much are you worth, by the way? - I don't know. - Over ten million? - Yeah, I guess so. - Good, good. - Why? 'Cause we're gonna need all of it. She's not coming, is she? Hmm, doesn't look good. But don't worry. Come on, Herman. - ***, what am I doing here? - Hey! - Scatter. Scatter. - Damn it! How in the hell did you ever get so rich? You're a quitter, man! I paid $8 million for this. And that's all you're prepared to spend? I'm, uh, sorry you couldn't make it to our little groundbreaking the other day. It's kind of a shame, since he's building it for you. Well, you know, I never asked anyone to build me an aquarium. I'm not quite sure how that rumor got started. Me neither. You think Edward Appleby would have built one for you? Yeah, I think he would have, if he'd had the money. That's what I thought. Blume's got a bit more spark and vitality than you expected, doesn't he? I thought the aquarium was your idea. Well, I gave it to my friend. - Fifteen sticks? - Yes, please. And... could you make the order out to... Ready Demolition, Tucson, Arizona? Thank you very much. Make sure these don't get wet. I'll see you at 3:15. - Where are you going? - Rushmore. I've got one last piece of unfinished business to attend to. - Fischer, you ***! - Hello, Magnus. I'd have shot you in the other ear, but it got blown off a long time ago. - Besides, now we're even. - Not for long, Kemo Sabe. We'll see. I got a proposition for you. Well, you can stick it up your mother's ***, you little prick. I gotta hand it to you, Magnus. You've got a way with words. You want to be in a play? What's all that ***? Nothing. I just think you're right for the part. I always wanted to be in one of your *** plays. I know you did, mate. This is gonna be exciting. My son Max wrote it. Oh, boy, I gotta call the hospital. Excuse me. Are you Mrs. Whitney, the English teacher? - Yes. - Hi, I'm William Yang, Margaret Yang's father. - This is my wife, Lucille. - Nice to meet you. - Hello. - That's kid's gonna burn this place down. - You better believe it. - Well, the plans were never formally submitted to the city. - Were they supposed to be? - I assume so. - Too late now. - Officers Brooks and Donovan... requesting additional units at Grover Cleveland High School. - Units responding identify. - A program. Let me look at that. Turn it, turn it. That's enough. - Excuse me. Right here. - Thanks. Hi, Herman. Looks like Max pulled a fast one on us. Thank you very much. I don't usually do this, but this play means a lot to me, and I wanted to make a dedication. So, I'll just say that this play is dedicated to the memory of my mother, Eloise Fischer, and to Edward Appleby, a friend of a friend. Also, you'll find a pair of safety glasses and some earplugs... underneath your seats. Please feel free to use them. Thank you very much. Bravo Company, this is Tango 7. Do you copy? We order the military forces of the United States to take action... This is a different kind of war. We are making progress, progress, progress, progress. How long you been in country, soldier? I ain't even here, Sergeant. I'm in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Right on, brother. Hoo. Hoo-hoo. Let's rock, Esposito! I repeat, let's rock! Let's rock and roll! Fischer! I'm okay. Go, go, go, go. - Damn it! - Take it easy, Dirk. - How much time do we got, Wood? - Two minutes. - All right, bring me some more ketchup very quickly, please. - Effects! - This is gonna look stupid. - No, it's not. It's gonna look real. - Thank you. - You're welcome. Hold this one too, okay? So, what do you think of Max's latest opus? It's good. But let's hope it's got a happy ending. - Adios, Esposito. - Adios, Sarge. Say a prayer for Surf Boy, wherever he is. Semper fi, soldier. Semper fi. Sic transit gloria. Maybe we'll meet again someday... when the fighting stops. Tag 'em and bag 'em, cherries! We're movin' out! I don't know but I've been told I don't know but I've been told Hello, Esposito. Will you marry me, Le-Chahn? You bet I will. That's my son. That's my Maxie. I just didn't expect to see you here. Did Max send you an invitation? Yeah, and he told me to wear a tie. - Congratulations, Max. - Thank you very much, Mrs. Yang. I, uh, actually wrote a different version of the play two years ago, but I couldn't get it done over at Rushmore. - Oh, really? Why? - Too political? No, a kid got his finger blown off during rehearsals. A very good evening to you, Fischers. Hi. Miss Cross, I'd like for you to meet my father, Bert Fischer. He's a barber. This is my friend, Rosemary Cross. - Hello, Rosemary. - Nice to meet you at last, Bert. Of course you know Mr. Blume. I'd also like everyone to meet Mr. and Mrs. Yang. This is Margaret. - Hello, Margaret. - It's nice to meet you, Miss Cross. I'm surprised they let him build a real campfire on the stage. It's clearly a safety hazard. - Well, last year, he tried to raise piranhas. - Yeah, I know he did. - What did you think, Mr. Littlejeans? - Best play ever, man. I thought it was a very realistic performance. Yeah? Fischer stepped over half my bloody lines. That's funny. I didn't notice. Mr. Blume, how are Ronny and Donny enjoying military school? - They love it. - Lucky ***. - I understand you're a neurosurgeon. - No, I'm a barber. But a lot of people make that mistake. You were incredible tonight, Margaret. - You were that poor girl. - Thank you. I loved it when you grabbed onto the bottom of the chopper as it was taking off. - That was totally improvised. - I know. - Can I ask you a question? - Of course. Can you do an Australian accent? I'm working on something that's set in the outback. I really feel like celebrating, you know? - Would you care to dance? - Oh, yes, I would love to. - Great. - Come on. You're looking good, Bert. Hello, Mr. Blume. Hello, Margaret. May I cut in? I haven't had a chance to cut a rug with your new girlfriend yet. - Ah, new girlfriend. - Yes, I am. Find your own dance partner, Mr. Blume. I'm spoken for. No, it's okay. He's my friend. Well... you pulled it off. Yeah, it went okay. At least nobody got hurt. Except you. No, I didn't get hurt that bad. Come on, you two. Shake a leg. - Would you like to dance? - Yeah, but... Here, let's see if the deejay can play something with a little more... Reuben!