War, Inc. - English Transcript

Can I have a shot glass, please? Photo sent. Stay on this heading for about 6h30min. Turn left at the Aurora Borealis. When you see something that looks like a frozen gall bladder, that's Greenland. Hang a soft right there. - All set there, Mr. Hauser? - Yeah, thank you. Guidestar! Guidestar! Welcome back. Hotel? Dinner reservations? Movie tickets, maybe? Mr. Hauser Is there something else you need? I don't know. I feel... Go on. Like a refuge from the Island of Dr. Moreau. Some morally inverted, twisted character from a Céline novel. The hot sauce helps. You still getting those nightmares you told me about? They're coming back faster and faster. I don't know if I can keep outrunning 'em. That'll be it, Jerry. I gotta go. You bet, Mr. Hauser. GuideStar wants you to feel secure. GuideStar. Be still my trembling hands, for how you would tremble... if you knew where I would take you next. Incoming message. Incoming message. You got him on the comm there? Bring it over. Hello, Hauser! Hello, Mr. Vice President. I haven't been vice president for five months. Otherwise, this all might be a conflict of interest. Tamerlane and the U.S. government, and I in particular, were cleared... of any and all violations of federal, state and international laws... by the bipartisan committee. Just read the report. I'm sure anything you weren't supposed to be doing you were cleared of. And of course I was preemptively pardoned by the president. I got the snapshots. Love your work. - We're all big fans. - Yes. Let's see if the damn Krauts... will cross us in the Security Council now. We seem to be heading southeast. Where am I going? Hope you like the smell of fresh liberation. Give me a sec. I gotta growler down there the size of a cane frog. Turaqistan. What's the gig? Omar Sharif. - Omar Sharif? - Yeah. The CEO of Ugi Gas, the Ugikistani conglomerate. He is building a pipeline through his country. We didn't liberate Turaqistan to get hustled by a fez head. Terminate. Do do that voodoo that you do so well. You'll be working directly under the viceroy just appointed by the president. His identity is still being withheld on a need to know basis. - And no one needs to know. - He asked for you personally. - What's my cover? - Trade show producer. Trade show? What show? What show? It's gonna be huge. Tamerlane is sponsoring a trade expo, Brand USA. It's our big launch bringing democracy to this part of the world. We've bombed the *** out of them, there's a lot of rebuilding to do. - Shows a nice spirit. - Somebody has to help them. This is a great opportunity for Tamerlane and the U.S. Not to mention the people of Turaqistan. And to top it all off, there's gonna be a gala wedding. Isn't that great? Seems like a pretty elaborate cover. I'm gonna be responsible for all that ***? This is a historic moment. The first war ever to be 100% outsourced to private enterprise. Tamerlane jets, Tamerlane tanks, Tamerlane soldiers. And to top it all off, the Brand USA expo. It's your show, baby. Welcome to the Turaqi Green Zone, sir. Tamerlane welcomes Expo Turaqistan, Brand USA. Welcome to Turaqistan, sir. I'm Marsha Dillon... hoping you're ready to kill. I've been briefed. SPF-Eighty-seven, sir. - Shall we? - Yes. It all looks good. Great lights. Take out the Tamercard. What's your cover, by the way? Undergrad Wharton with a masters in communication at the Annenberg School. - Very impressive. - Well, it's fake. - Tell me that's not the stage? - I think it is. East, honey, east. Do you want people turning away from the stage to pray five times a day? Cultural sensitivity. That's what we're about here. Sorry, sir. What exactly is wrong with my credentials? I've been cleared. My colleagues are going in. - Am I being singled out for some reason? - I can't allow that. Very curious. - Find out who she is. - Very curious situation. - Let's go, ma'am. - Oh. Okay. And set up a meeting with her in my office. Do I have an office? Great. Carry on. Yes, and I'll just try to rearrange the entire place. - Just see if you can spin it. - Yes. Ms. Hegalhuzen. Your 2:30's here. I read your piece in "Atlantic Monthly". Very provocative. - Nice office. - It's bulletproof. Send her in. Passion. This is beautiful. Thank you! Hey, okay, okay, we'll be in touch. - It's a gift. I brought a gift to you. - Thank you. - It's a form of dance. - Thank you. Good stuff. Pay-for-view TV. Next week! And you are an angel. Thanks for the bag! Ms."Hugelhazen". Hegalhuzen. - Hegalhuzen. Brand Hauser. - Hello. - Hi. - Hey. Come on in. Now... Holy ***! So, you're here to cover our little trade show... "...that's being billed as a liberating Turaqistan... satisfy the American consumer's dreams just the opposite now. The proposed Expo Turaqistan offers nothing more than the auctioning of... Turaqistan's future to the cause of profit and international branding. Yeah, I remember that because I wrote it. There's no corruption here. Just read the Silverman James Report. I have. It's ***. Look. We've already kicked out of this place. What are we supposed to do? Turn our backs on all of the entrepreneurial possibilities? Business is human response to a moral or cosmic crisis. Whether it's a tsunami or a sustained aerial bombardment... there's the same urgent call for urban renewal. When did they start attacking inside the Emerald City? I wouldn't call that an attack. Well, technically, that was a bombing. At least it sounded like it was. Not an attack, which would imply something else. Do you really think I'm as bad as all this? - I don't know anything about you. - Would you like to? It's my job. You make it sound so tedious. Could be fun. - Then why don't I begin? - Thought you'd never ask. Would you excuse me for one minute? - Call me soon. - When? You'll feel it. - All righty then. Where were we? - I haven't said anything yet. Excellent, 'cause I don't remember hearing anything. - Then we're off to a great start. - What can I do for you? Why do I have access? Even on such a low level. Ouch. All my writings have called this a violation of international law... and its practitioners are criminals. Do you really believe all the stuff you write? Anyone who could cause this much mayhem when he didn't have to? The amount of suffering that I've seen? Hang on. Okay. Hold on a sec. But the way I look at it is this. The day we can actually feel and hear all the suffering of mankind... that's the day when the Christ will come back. So we got that going for us. I'll be out in a minute. Or the Buddha, or Allah, whoever floats your boat. Ms. Hagenhazel. - Call me Natalie. - Natalie. I really must run. I feel like we're on the verge of something important. Do you think we could continue this conversation over drinks? - Drinks? - Yeah, I know a friendly place. Marsha, will you set that up? 9, 10-ish? Unattended cars will be crushed and incinerated. Hello, sir. Welcome to Popeye's. How can I help you? I'll have crawfish étouffée, the Big Flava chicken sandwich with Boss Sauce... and to top off my meal, a frothy orange drink. - I'm here to see the viceroy. - Sir. Don't mention his name. Follow me! Okay! Let's go, boys. One, two, one, two march! - He's not here? - Closed circuit, sir. Welcome to liberated Turaqistan, Hauser. Big fan. Have been for ages. Sorry for the secret identity ***... but it's a brave new security. I'll be contacting you by phone, but if you wish to contact me... you'll have to come here to the bunker, 'kay? Omar Sharif. He's staying at the Freedom Grand through the closing ceremony. Make sure he doesn't make his plane. Got it. Now, about this closing ceremony... It looks like we Yonica Babyyeah wedding. Incredible, huh? What is a Yonica Babyyeah? The Britney Spears of Central Asia. Kids from Baca to Yemen are nuts for her. Anyway. The point is... this weddin' is the grand finale of the trade show. This is the biggest extravaganza in the history of Central Asia. And it's the centerpiece of our P.R. blitz here. It's perfect branding synergy, Hauser. Blends the image of an American-style woman getting her own and getting it on. A great new democratic dynasty... with all the strength and virility of traditional warlords. Exactly. That's why you're the best. Overall, we see it as a pretty irresistible package. We're getting worldwide coverage, U.S. networks, Sky Channel, Al Jazeera... so make it big buddy. See she gets everything she wants and make this a grand finale... the world will never forget. You bet. Jeff? So, listen. I met this guy... No, he's just some mid-level schmo. Anyway, I think if I play him right, I can get a pass out of the Green Zone... and I can see what's really going on here. No chip for me, thanks. Ma'am, you really won't get the full experience without the chip. Doctor's orders. I get hives. Welcome to Implanted Journalist Experience. Thanks to cutting-edge Tamerlane Interactive Technology... we are now able to reduce the risk of journalist mortality to virtually zero. The Combat-o-Rama Implantation Device... will allow you to experience full spectrum sensory reality. Over the next seventy-two hours, some of you may experience... headaches, nausea and some muscle pain. This is normal. If symptoms of epilepsy occur, please notify your doctor. Thanks and enjoy the ride. Mr. Hauser! Mr. Hauser! Yonica Baby is two minutes from arrival. We need to go. Yonica! I love you! Jesus Christ. Hi. Welcome. How was traffic? I hear those checkpoints can be ***. Where is dressing room? I'm *** wasted. Well, let me show you. She needs Popeye ten-piece box. All white meat. Extra crispy, extra spicy. Diet Coke. You get it? And pickles. She wants pickles. Clausen classic dill pickles. - Pickles? - Yeah. - All right... - You are big boss? - I guess I am, yeah. - How big? Don't do that. Confiscate that film. I do what I want. Okay? Of course you do and we're excited to have you. Don't get too excited. I'm not that excited. Let me show you to your dressing room. Get some chicken, pickles. and whatever you want. Come on in. Hi. Nice work with the bat. How are you? Hi, good luck. Hi. Mr. Pickle. Las Vegas. Mr. Federline. The impending marriage of Central Asian pop star... and Ooq- Mi-Fay Taqnufmini the scion of the powerful Turaqi clan. The marriage. A symbol of democratization... or a *** public relations stunt? Yes or no? Natalie. - Hi. - Hi. Jesus. What is this place? It's the Freedom Grand. How do you like it? Guess I could go with strange love in the desert. Weird. Rarefied. Coven-like. - Stop me if I'm rambling. - Stop. Sit. Can I get a double bourbon? *** twist? How's that? - Okay. - Thank you. So, you're producing the big... Freedom's on the March economic land-grab masquerade. Are you with Tamerlane employee or a freelance producer? That's complicated. Let's get to that later. I just wanted to get to know you. Okay, tell me about yourself. Just doing this gig, trying to make the best of a bad situation. Looking for redemption in all the wrong places. Stop me now if I'm rambling. - Okay, stop. - How about you? How about me what? You know, tell me about you. Where're you from? Who gives a ***? Are you serious? I'm serious as a deacon. I'd like to get to know you as a person. For God's sakes... why? Well, what the hell else are we gonna do on this dark and lonely night? So you wanna seduce the journalist whose politics you despise? How dare you? I have no politics. Everyone does, even if they don't know it. - Not me. - Just a straight mercenary? I'm a host. I'm a showman. I'm an organizer. There's just people here. Some good, some bad. All interesting. You seem like an interesting person and I try not to over-think these things. You're a clever guy. Some would even call you charming. But it gets tired, doesn't it? All that patter, the show biz, it's just a mask. There's gotta be a person in there somewhere. Did you know that "person" comes from the Latin word persona which means mask? Being human means we invite spectators... to ponder what lies behind. Each of us would be composed of a variety of masks. And if we can see behind the mask, we would get a burst of clarity. If that flame was bright enough, then we fall in love. What's your opinion on these divine matters? I'm not gonna *** you. You know that, right? Oh, I hope that you know that somewhere. I sense you're such an angry woman. You're just intent to laying waste to all of us, aren't you? That was the best half-true frontier gibberish I've heard. Thanks. - Hey. Listen. - Yes? All access pass to the trade show, compliments of the house. - Don't be a stranger. - I won't be. Now, let's get these passé's right. Ayat, a little knee jerk. Make it work. Make it work. Very good. All in the legs, girls. How many times do we have to say this? Ayat! Higher! Big smile, Reshbeck! For God's sake. Thank you. You're back for some more gibberish. You remember Marsha? This is Peter Parker. Choreographer, worked with Rob Marshall, all the big musicals. It's incredible. Each girl is a trans-femoral amputee... who had lost her leg during the liberation. And thanks to Tamerlane, we can have you up and dancing in no time. Just another example of how American know-how... alleviates the suffering it creates. Look at this. Hamy Shenkman had her leg blown off by an M-18 Claymore landmine. And, Conyel Bisland... an M-72 rocket-propelled grenade... that mistakenly hit her high school. And Tamerlane used the exact same RPG firing pin rod assembly technology... that it uses in the prosthetic knees of its. Talk about vertical integration. It's hot in here. Let me get that for ya. Krishmish, come over here. This is Ms. Hegalhuzen, she's writing a story about the show. All right. Okay. Ms. Babyyeah's ready for her run-through. We've gotta go. My trade show's your trade show. Come on, girls. Gather here. You say you want to invade me, baby You say you want to enslave me, baby I want to blow you up You say you want to free me, baby BGut you cannot even see me, baby I want to blow you up I want to blow you sky high, high, go fly I want to blow You You want to occupy my heart and soul A black widow in a spider hole I want to blow you up I want to blow you up I want to blow you down if it's okay Mr. Hauser, how do you feel about the image of Turaqi women... My coat! Cut! So there's this reporter who really despises me. I mean, she doesn't really despise me, she despises what I represent. I think if she knew the real me, she'd hate me even more. I mean, don't you think? I wasn't there. Does it really matter? Actually, I think I just like the sound of her voice. I could listen to her revile me for hours. Do you think with her, the reporter I mean, it's just about sex? - What do you mean just? - I don't know. There's this Turaqi pop star. She disturbs me and I can't figure out why. Could you be attracted to her sexually? No, are you crazy? She's just a little... I'm not calling you in the middle of the night, Mr. Hauser. - I gotta go. - Whatever. You're a ***' ***. GuideStar! This has to end for me, sir. I want a different kind of life. I want to get married, start a family. Operation Chickenhawk never ends. The ceaseless epic struggle to dominate... the destiny of man obliges his noble cares to continually purge the world... of those who are evil-doers. But that's not just working for me right now, sir. A woman? You and I, Hauser, are a part of a rug hook. All these years I felt a special bond. Don't you feel that? No. Well, you think about it. If you still feel this way in a couple of days... I already told you, sir. - That'll be all. - Yes, sir. Marsha, this is kind of a bad time. Hey! I wanted to give you the heads up. A delivery should be there any second. When, now? Oh, ***. Sir, I have your dry cleaning, sir! Thank you. Thank you. I need the ticket, sir. - I have that somewhere. - Yeah, I need that claim ticket, sir. I think I put it... should be around here somewhere. - You're talking about the claim ticket? - It's around here somewhere. - Sir, can you hurry? - Yep. Sir, I gotta have that ticket or... No, no... Oh, here it is. - Sir, you have a nice day. - Sure. Yo, yo, yo, mother ***! It's me. - Hi. - Hi. Straight from the dry in Rammstein, Germany You can't believe these guys. 20 years ahead of the rest of the world. And this cost the U.S. taxpayers, what? Three, four grand? Be nice. I'm really sorry about the jacket. Okay. Listen, would you like to get a Turaqi coffee? I hear they make it great here. Cardamom mace. The good kind. I was just about to wash my hair. It's a delicacy. Sweetened with pomegranate honey. One cup? Give me a minute. What? There's just something irresistible about a Western woman speaking Turaqi. Is that a recognized international phenomena? No. It's a personal sensibility. Look. I admit I don't actually believe any of this stuff we say. I mean, not in the sense that I believe it to be actually true. You talk too much. I want to ask you something. Doesn't it hurt you to put yourself in such a contorted moral position? Can you tell me, for example, one completely honest thing? One. This is Donny Loo's favorite juice. It is rated at just under a quarter million Scoville units. When I find the demands of life to be challenging... I take a wee drop. The more challenging... the higher the Scoville units. - Let me. - Be careful. But the trick, you see... that I've taught myself, is to never allow my eyes to tear up. One completely honest thing. If you really knew me, you'd despise me even more than you do. No. I don't despise you. I don't really care enough. Marsha. It's *** great. Michael Bay can blow me. He can and he should. - We do all of Yonica's videos. - We're blowing up. A bad choice of words. Listen, guys, this has been great. Thank you. I have another meeting. I have to run. But I, I really enjoyed it. Let us have some footage of the wedding. We'll hook you up, dude. Hey, we know everything that goes on in Turaqistan. No place we cannot go, no one we don't know, nothing we cannot do. Okay. Does one of you have a card? Whoever the leader is. Here we go. The Jackpot. Here, thank you. Thank you. There you go. You have his, and he has yours. - Yes. - He's got yours. - It's gonna be great. - Bye-bye, guys. Where's my package? The shipment left the warehouse in Dubai 2 days ago. We're tracking it. Just get me a ***' cobra, all right? - A snake? - Yeah. Chop-chop. Come on, spit it out. Is only me, Mr. Big Yonica. Hi. Listen. Sorry about my reaction to your song. I didn't mean to offend you. No. I am sorry. I am so stupid to not understand that you are woman. Uh, sorry? In Turaqi we have no word for this. Same as for a woman. No, no, no. That's not it. I predict most people. Why not you? How my *** make you puke? Bad babakanoosh or something. I think you're lovely. Stunning, actually. - Lovely? - Yes. You think attractive? Yep. Definitely. - Does her *** make you puke? - Who? Who? Who? That skinny *** reporter with the tape recorder. No. You're a *** man. Do you want massage? Be a happy ending. Does your father know that you talk this way? - My father? - Yeah. I do not speak to him anymore. But he sends me money for dancing lessons and singing lessons. I am with Ooq-Mi-Fay now. And he wants for me to be big success. Yonica rules. That is what he says to me. - What about your mother? - Dead. I'm sorry. For why? You did not kill her. I don't think so. Too much sorry. Too much. Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you? You are a *** ***, do you know that? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. "I'm sorry". You're always sorry. *** you, Mr. Sorry. *** you. Yonica, don't go away mad. Marsha? Get me a dinner reservation tonight. Somewhere with soup. So everything's OK? You're closing some big deals at the trade show? Is there an actual reason for this meeting? I am not big on ***. I'm your host. I want you to be happy nd that everything is... well and you're taken care of. A beautiful woman. There is something we can agree on after all, then. Can you get me an introduction? - She's a journalist. - Who cares? Sit. Don't eat all your soup. Thank you. So between your father's indictments, were you still on the lacrosse team? No. I actually blew out my ***' knee. Hey, you. Hey, we are doing an interview here. Omar Sharif wants to meet you. - The actor? - Better. The president of Ugi Gas. Sorry. Just one minute. I'm gonna pick this up in one. who do I have to shoot to get a ***' drink around here? What are you looking at? What are you looking at? Get back to normal! Natalie Hegalhuzen, Omar Sharif. Exquisitely enraptured, ma chère. - Pleased to meet you, too. - Shall we dance? How're you doin'? How come we Americans a hard time? An interesting conundrum, isn't it? Very shrewd of you to ask. What would I get for telling you? The thrill of knowing you're my confidential source. The thought of this leaves me breathless. My dear, let me explain something to you. The Americans had no plan. Perhaps next year they will invade my country. And then, they will either kill me or throw me in jail. Or kill me in jail. Or maybe make me president. Or maybe make me president, then kill me. That still doesn't answer you question. Why hasn't the U.S. stopped the Ugi Gas pipeline? See what you can find out about Operation Chickenhawk. Chickenhawk? Yeah, baby! Get it out. A message from the viceroy. Freedom is messy. Employees must wash hands before returning to work. What stinks here? Yeah. You look like piece of ***. You smell like piece of ***. You want some ***? Where're you going? Night's young. This place is crazy. Would you like to come back to my suite for a quiet drink? Oh, no thank you, Omar. But I will look into that thing about you told. Enjoyed it. - I think I'll go back to my hotel. - Can I drive you? Oh, no, that's okay. Let me give you a lift. I can help you. It's safer that way. Please. I'll feel better. When did all that construction start? Oh. They're diverting the river Tures so it runs by the trade show. They wanted a clear view from the Tiki Room. It's cute, huh? What do you think of that girl, Yonica? You don't wanna know. - Come on. Try me. - Okay. I think that she's a sad little girl who's been pimped out... into a pathetic monstrosity of alienated Western sexuality. How do you feel about that, Mr. Hauser? She's a disaster. This whole place is a disaster. So, you're sleeping with her. No. Why not? She seems game. It must be nice to be who you say you are. To do things you believe in. That's so simple. So clean. It's like, you know: "why didn't I think of that"? Well, it's hard not to feel like... I'm always on the losing side. Well, you are. Yeah. It gets kinda Ionely. That's why you got all those peasants and workers to keep you company. I don't have that big a bed. Tell me more. I think that you should take me home now. Yes, well... thanks for taking me home. Oh. Good night then. Jesus, what was that? I can't do that... No. You yourself said, I just don't want to. - Yeah. Sure. - And good night. Tomorrow can I see ya? - Tomorrow? - Yeah. Reporter's Pool, ten a.m. Progress update, people. Banks West didn't even wait for the opening ceremony... closing a one point 3 billion dollar deal... with Roof Branch and Blossom to restore essential water services... to the people of Turaqistan! Oh, come on! I'm sure they'd like to give a shout-out to the Tamerlane- Furg-Bomber... Wing for, for those humane position strikes... that created this wonderful opportunity for everyone. So is this like a date? This is like obscene. There's something you can do for me that would mean a lot. Name it. Get me a pass out of the Emerald City so I can see what's really going on. - Very dangerous. - I wanna see Fallof. Natalie, there's nothing there. I wanna know if it's true that Tamerlane used chemical weapons. Isn't it a little late to be worrying about international conventions? Is nerve gas worse than getting your head blown off by a laser missile? Frankly, it's a nuance that's lost on me. Besides they were cleared, just read the report. We're trying to watch a battle here. Sorry. Come on, come on, come on. Give me something. Give me something. Anything's gotta be better than this Xbox ***! Okay, okay. These guys are big in the Turaqi arts community. You know, the whole downtown scene? Might give you a good lead. I'm hit! I'm hit! Where's the damn Medevac? The Tamerlane custom E- Z missile mount can... be adapted to fit over 200 automobile models... I thought we were all set with the Ayatollah. Pick it up, boys. What do you mean he won't do a mixed wedding? Who's mixed? Yonica's Episcopalian? How the *** did that happen? Will the Sufi work? Let me call you back. I got another call. Just get a number for Cat Stevens. Hello. Can you calm down? Yeah, he's right here. Yoni... That was the girl. She said she can't do the wedding if you're involved. She thinks you don't like her. - What? - She can't work with you. I'm on it, I'm on it. Okay. And then Anderson Cooper, Mr. Salt and Pepper Integrity... is arriving today and, and all we have left is a junior suite. Is that okay? I mean, he is a Vanderbilt and everything. There could be repercussions! GuideStar! You seem a little bit, Mr. Hauser. Is everything all right? My hand was shaking. My hand never shakes. Worst case, Parkinson's. I can get you a doctor's appointment in Dubai. I can't focus. This girl. This reporter. They're in my head. They're in my *** brain. That's not good, Mr. Hauser. Not good. No, I know it isn't. And now I gotta see her, the little one. I gotta bring her food.'Cause she won't go to the thing. ***! Trusting you was a little rude I wish there was a way You could sooth that ache in me Phone cut out When we were talking today Phone cut out When we were talking today That was beautiful. - You recorded that yet? - Fat *** chance. Well you should. I feel like it's like I'm seeing you for the first time. Well, you've seen my ***. And you not liking it. - Why do you do that? - Do what? Talk as if you have no soul. Nobody cares for my beautiful soul. They care for my ***. - You sound like a ***. - *** rule. Yonica rules. Virgins are good for getting ***. Right? That is what I am good for. Right? That's what everybody knows. You know what I think? I think the girl that wrote that song was a poet. I thought that song was really great. I am not from this world. I have special powers. I can see inside people's brains. What do you see? You think you care about me. Neither one of us know why. You're not an alien life form. You're just very confused. And you live in a terrible world. I cannot be from this place. I do not belong here. We have to find a way. We just have to find a way. Who are you? We got stuff here. We got a side of Clausen Classic Dill, and Turaqi brand soda. Extra crispy, all white meat. You want a piece? It's actually a horrible way to soothe bad feelings... but can lead to compulsive eating... But, you know, sometimes you just gotta do it, right? What the ***? You know what? I'm gonna blow you up. you mother ***' nice... suit necktie piece of ***! Take a rain check on that. Out of the Emerald City? In fact, baby, the money is right, I can take you to Chechnya. I could scrape together a thousand dollars. Honey, for a thousand dollar we take you to Starbucks. So, we open on her, she's like Snow White. Then he arrives. A two-shot, like in, Ford's My Darling Clementine. When Victor Mature returns to her. *** film, ***. I want her on all fours. Waiting for her *** warlord, Ooq-Mi-Fay. I know it's none of my business, what are you guys talking about? We're shooting the wedding night's video. Yeah, check it out. We already made the card. My God. - How much you guys want for this? - 500 bucks. I'll give you 50 right now, cash. Done. Washington's all a-twitter by allegations from a journalist... that the son of a top Turaqi political leader... and his pop star bride are involved... in a pornographic video of their own wedding night. Expo Turaqistan. Out of the frying pan into the fire? How in the *** did this Hegalhuzen *** get a hold of this story? How in the *** did this Hegalhuzen *** get a hold of this story? Well, it hardly matters now. The network might cancel their coverage and we own them. We got riots going on in 14 cities across Central Asia. Maybe the best thing to do would be to call the wedding off. Have you lost your mind? Just handle it. I always do. Do you think I have no feelings? This is what I am to you? - A ***? And you are my ***? - No, baby, no, baby. You were going to sell a tape of our wedding night? I was gonna give you half of the money. I did it for the money. There will be ample time for loving recriminations. But let's deal with this from a practical perspective. What if we publically remove one of his testicles? - Dad, please! - Shut up. That's not an entirely unappealing suggestion... but I'm not sure if that really gets us where we wanna go. Honestly, your Excellency, if we're gonna pull this off so a man of your stature... you know, a four-time convicted extortionist and an embezzler like... yourself is to lead Turaqistan to its bright and shining future... Yonica's bridegroom must be blamelessly pristine. In other words, we need a fall guy. How about your homeboy outside with the perforated septum? P-per... what? Go, Marsha. Go, Marsha. You're so fine. I'm gonna make her change her mind! I have a can of Mace! And I will use it! Sit down! I think Bodhi organized this whole thing and you didn't know anything about it. Yeah, of course, man. I didn't know ***. But, you know, we wanna be culturally sensitive here. What is the traditional punishment for pimping a pop star? - Wow, that's *** cold, Pop. - Shut up. Drowning in sheep dung. Marsha will make the arrangements. All right. We've dealt with the groom. Now for the bride. 20 minutes on TV and the world will know that this sweet, young girl... would never participate in such a foul, foul enterprise. Right? And, Yonica, you didn't know anything about this. So it has the added benefit of being true, as my father used to say. All right. We'll announce the execution tonight. We'll do the interview tomorrow... and we go ahead with the wedding and close the whole damn show. I think we got this worked out, don't you? - Great. - All right. Good to see you. No, no, no... Thank you so much, sir. Yonica... Honey! Honey! Yonica, Yonica! Thank you. I like bag. Marsha. Get me Katie Couric, Al Jazeera and a hundred gallons of sheep ***. Slaves, but... Slaves, plebians, patricians, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Pax Romana... Virginia's number one Roman-era theme park. The glory that was Rome. The grandeur that was Six Flags. Unfortunately the financing fell through in the real estate crash... and the whole place went down the toilet. But it makes my point. Which is...? Every empire is summed up in Rome. The Romans, Hauser. Dudes of the human race. Torch-bearers of culture. You and I are Centurions. Honor bound to defend civilization against the Barbarians. Let's cut the ***, Walken. I like killing people as much as the next guy... but I signed up to kill the bad ones. Health clinics, trade unionists... journalists, agricultural co-ops, Catholic liberation theologians... impoverished Colombian coffee farmers... These are barbarians, the depraved opponents of civilization? We turned Central America into a *** graveyard. Whoever momentarily interrupts the accumulation of our wealth... we pulverize. I'm just not feeling good about that anymore, sir. Then do what you have to do, son. Thank you for understanding, sir. - Oh! You ***. - Weapon, please? Let's walk and talk. You didn't really think I'd let you go, did you? - I was kinda hoping you might, yeah. - For her? Please, Walken. We had such a good working relationship. Let's not end it like this, like savages in a theme park. You get the thumbs down from the crowd, Hauser. You're obsolete, dude. Past your expiration date, discontinued. Garbagio, as they say in Latin. Relegated to the trash bin of history. You shouldn't rummage in the garbage. ***. Is this one of those plastic toys you can choke on? You ***! Help! I get it. I get it. Help! Turn it off! Ten minutes with Katie Couric would get you ten times the audience... of a whole season of Frontline. Now, that's a fact. Yeah, but wh-why would they want me to do the interview? You? Your uncompromising integrity... your movie star good looks and I don't think Katie Couric... wants to come to this beautiful *** vacation spot. You know I'm not gonna do a P.R. puff piece, right? Just do the story. Get the real girl. The real girl? Is there anything real left to get? Can she actually talk? She's just a needy little kid, Natalie. I know, and she's spoiled, she's over-sexed, she's tone deaf. Well she's a brand, Hauser. Stuff happens. She needs a mom. - Yeah. And don't look at me. - I like looking at you. You can say anything you want, okay? No holds barred delay. I'll make it live. You're crazy. This *** hates me. - She doesn't hate you. - She hates me. - No she doesn't. - She does. I know. Yeah, hello. I have lists of Omar's whereabouts. I'll get to it. - Put your seatbelt on. - *** off. ***. So we're all set? This sucks. I hate this. - What sucks, sweetheart? - This location. What's wrong with it? I am not liking it. It blows. This is 2000 years of Turaqi culture. It's a nice spot for it, actually. Okay, sweetie? I want to do it... there. - We're all set up right here. - There or nowhere. Okay? There's nice too. Hello. Hello. What is this place? Beautiful. You see? She's just a needy little kid. This light is so cool. Look at this! Be careful. I want to do it here. Come, inspect this from me. Beautiful. This place is so sad. I love that. I'm going to see the rest. Hey, cowboy. You happen to have a Cliff bar? - You hungry? - I could eat. Let's find the kitchen. Look at this. An 82 margaux. They must have left in a hurry. We can be shot for looting. We can be shot for anything in Turaqistan. Let's see. There must be an opener here somewhere. I just don't know if I'm domestic enough to make a meal out of... olives and caviar and peanut butter. Yonica! There's food! Very high-tech for Turaqistan. Crazy little brat. If she's a ***... I'm *** Cheney. Yonica, would you like some wine? No. I hate wine. It's so sour. Milk is good. - I want a picture of you two. - No pictures. Okay, one. Get in. So you two getting married? Because you are already married with wife in America? Everybody wants American wife. No. Never were married? Was once actually. What happened? It's not that interesting. What happened? Haven't spoken of it in a long time. She was killed. Murdered. I came home one night and my beautiful wife had been slaughtered. I had a little girl and she was taken. No ransom note, nothing. Just gone. - Why? - I don't know. Who would do that? I don't know anything except it was all because of me. What do you mean? I had many enemies. I've done many things. What was her name? Your daughter? Cara. There's a reason I do this work. I don't have to feel anything. That's so *** up. Hey. Whassup? Get out! Sometimes I think is better not to feel. Just skip it. How long can you live that way? The poison's just old. It's like a slow motion suicide. Or wake up every day and wonder if you have the courage to walk away... to say: no, I won't do that. I'm not that person. I'm not that thing. You think I should not marry Ooq-Mi-Fay? Hey, boss we have a problem. Hold that thought. What's the problem, guys? Try some caviar. It's so good! I love. My mom would always try to get me to eat weird stuff. Tempeh and wheatgrass... and all I ever wanted was peanut butter. He's a complicated guy, huh? Not what'd you think. Hey, not so tough today, huh? Hey, look, the little girl has crowns. You think you can drown me with the sheep ***. I don't think so. You want we should take video now? Or kill him first? Be less blood if you kill me first, more fun if you cut it off while I'm alive. - Shut up. - Okay. I think I could take those two ears and I can put them on my Harley. Maybe I can pick up KROQ on my radio. Oh, pretty face. Bye. You ought to do some face. Taste. Stay! Cut off the fingers I used to wipe my ***. I cannot believe you just did that! What person could squeeze eyeballs from Bodhi Bhundhang? And that *** tells me not to marry Ooq-Mi-Fay? I'm *** marry Ooq-Mi-Fay. He's pig. And I'm ***. - You want me to take the freeway? - Yeah. Whatever. It is who I am. I am that person. And if I'm going to be ***, at least I can be rich. I just want to make soulful music and be sad and rich. You don't have to marry some *** to do that. Natalie, you will be my bridesmaid? Please? My father, he's coming. I haven't seen him since I was baby. It will be nice to meet him. And if you are there I will not be so afraid. What am I gonna wear? - What about Katie Courich? - *** her. *** them all. Miami Beach Hotel. Jeff? I just sent you a photo of that Tamerlane guy. He just slaughtered half a dozen of Ooq- Mi-Fay Taqnufmini's posse... Find out who the *** this guy is. Hey. I just got this message from the Viceroy. "We didn't front you $1.3 million to whack a bunch of Fifty Cent wannabes. You know what I'm saying? You got 18 hours to kill Omar Sharif. And may I just add personally. What the *** are you doing? Will you kill the *** so we can get the hell out of this ***? What are you doing? Hello? Is there anyone in th-? Hey, it's Natalie. I'm either unmasking corporate greed or washing my hair. So leave a message. That's good. Thanks. Great. Is that good? That looks great. Everything you're doing is great. It's really great. My communications degree is finally paying off. Where is Omar? Well, let me check. Omar? - Camera Four, Marsha. Camera Four. - Omar's Camera Four. Why don't you pull in? Do you have his Blackberry address? Laptop. By the way, Anderson Cooper cannot make the wedding. - What room was he going to stay in? - Eleven-oh-one. Just you, Cowboy. Oh, jeez. Gosh. By the way. This came for you. I think... ...It must have been this morning and... This is Natalie Hegalhuzen. I am being held by the Provisional Liberation Army of Greater Turaqistan. I will be executed unless the following demands are met by 6 pm. The complete unconditional withdrawal of all Tamerlane forces from Turaqistan. The dissolution of the criminal's INS state of Israel. Three. The acquisition by the Turaqi National Basketball team... of LeBron James for a player to be named later. I'm unhurt and well-treated... And am right where I wanted to be. You're improvising, ***. I hate that! I know where she is. No. Wait a second! We're live in 6 hours. I trust you. You handle everything. Oh, Jesus Mary and Joseph. How are you, sir? Nice to see you, sir. You can go. Jerry, how do I get to Fallaf? Fallaf. Are you out of your mind? Here at GuideStar we definitely call Fallaf a no-go zone. That's snuff city, dude. Hey, don't get cute. Just give me the damn directions. You sound a little angry, rather emotional. It's a good thing. Good. Let it go. Is that the best you can do for seventy-nine ninety-five a month? Steven Seagal is like 500 pounds now. They use body doubles for everything, but this. How many times do I have to tell you? I am opposed to the occupation. I have railed against it in every significant journal in the world! I think you are mistaking me with someone who actually gives a ***. Hey, you're just a gift for us, babe. What do I do when I get to Nafluni? There's a Mobil station on your right. See it? Yeah. I think so. Great. Take the next right. Follow the road. If you're a praying man, I'd start about now. Can we kill her already? I'm getting hungry. We're still working out the international distribution rights. I want to... put the camera lower this time. Oh, you mean like the construction guard decapitation, huh? But you want it from here to there or from there to here? - All the way. - All the way's gonna be messy. Yeah, but it's art. - Do you have any candy? - No. Get lost. I told you these *** never have ***. Looking for the kidnapped ***? American? We have three. Two yellow hair and one dark hair. Dark hair. Where? Show me. 10? No. How about 20? Okay. It's a deal. Shut up! Let's do it. Don't shoot, man! Hey, we're sorry. Chill. I'm sorry, just take the girl. We don't want the girl. We just, we do movies, man. We love to make movies. Yeah, yeah, movies. Don't get up, guys. We gotta run. ***, dude. That was intense. Okay. We're okay. Next time bring some candy ***. Mr. Hauser? I told you Fallaf was not a good idea, didn't I? It's a no-go zone. And you went. That was not a good idea. Get down! Go. Could you please try to call Natalie again? What the *** is wrong with you? What, my English not so good? Come on. I love you. Come on here. Come on here. Get down, get down! Get up. Hey, you in charge? - Who the ***'s in charge? - No one! I'm no one! - What are you lookin' at, ***? - I'm no one! A couple of quick announcements. The panel discussion, the Redemptive Power of the Hedge Fund Derivative... has been moved to the mini ballroom. Don't forget to go to the Meet and Greet cocktail reception... at the Tiki Room at five and pick up your gift bags. They've got a coffee mug and a desert umbrella... foam beer Koozie and a... autographed copy from you know who... of "How I Conquered the World and Worked Out Issues With My Dad". Take care of the kid. 'Cause I might have to go too. You don't have to. Yes, I do. Natalie. I saw your face and creation held its breath. I'm coming. No, no, no... Silly me. I was expecting a beautiful woman. Sorry. Hauser... Love does get one into difficult situations. Somebody's gonna kill you. It was supposed to be me. Triple your security. Stay off the streets. With a little skill you may actually stay alive. - How may I thank you? - No need. We're in a constant state of war, Hauser. We kill our brothers, complete strangers... the guilty and the innocent. We are at war with our own hearts. Love is a cease-fire that's destined to fail. But, as I said... it does get us into tricky situations. Sometimes the back of a garbage truck. The ultimate Chickenhawk is roosting close-by. Good luck. She says she's a bridesmaid. - You got an extra dress? - Yes. For all of us at Tamerlane... I extend a heartfelt good luck and God bless... whoever that god may be. To our happy young couple. Shalom. ***. We have someone to do your hair and makeup. I could do this. Sit down! Clean yourself! We gotta go to the viceroy. Where the hell is Hauser? ***. All right. I am going to tell that *** that I want to go shopping in America. And I never come back. Can I stay with you? Yes. Yes. Yes. It's time. Where are you? I wanna see you. Hauser. I'm about to address the weddin'. You're just gonna have to wait 'til I'm done. I've waited long enough. Hauser. Hello, Walken. You look fabulous. How did you know? Where else would you be? And going to the Viceroy in five... four, three, two... Wonderful opportunities here, Hauser. As long as these towel-heads don't look up freedom in the dictionary. To use one of your own homespun colloquialisms let's cut the ***, shall we? That is your viceroy? You know what your problem is, Hauser? You're a moralist. That's why you're so much fun to *** with. War is the improvement of investments by other means. For dummies. The USA is a subdivision of Tamerlane. Democracy, the war on terror, the war on drugs... these are all focus group slogans for Tamerlane. You murdered my wife. And I'm here to kill you for that. You were such a superb killing machine, Hauser. What happened to you? You've had a whole week to kill Omar. Of course I could have liquidated you after you thought you'd killed me. Right after I tried to kiss you and you threw me in the garbage truck. It's gonna be hard to torture someone who's mostly dead. But I'm gonna try... to enjoy it. But, by killing the woman and kidnapping the girl... Oh, my God. ...that was so much more satisfying. I left you in a state of constant agony. You ever wonder what the ideology of vibrio cholerae bacterium... or the system of Yersinia pestis the bacteria that causes bubonic plague. I'll tell you, Hauser. Perpetuation. An infinite succession of generations. Immortality on the installment plan. I wish I had that sort of esprit d'corps. That bacterial team spirit. Talk about legacy. Talk about empire. You're gonna tell me what you did with her... then I'm gonna kill you again. - Do you understand, old man? - Don't you get it? Your daughter happens... Shut it down! Your daughter, Hauser. Your daughter is about to be married. And, Daddy you're the father of the bride. God, that's a conversation stopper. Well, you just sit back and enjoy the show. You must be a real proud daddy. Here she comes. Ain't you the proudest daddy? Look at that. She turned out good. She looks good in that white dress and those little white boots. A white dress and white boots. Oh, look at that. Don't you think the little *** turned out well? I promised her Daddy would be here. And here you are. Shoot him! The father of the bride! Hauser! Where are you, Hauser? Come on, fight me like a dude. Face me Hauser. Come on! I can control all of this with my eyes. Yonica! - Yonica. - Shut the *** up! - Yonica. Yonica. - Shut the *** up! Shut up. Get done, come on. Dearly beloved, friends, believers and infidels. We are gathered here today... to join together in holy matrimony this man and this... Yonica! Yonica! Hauser! You can't do this. I won't let you. I'm your father. Catch him. It's me. I've loved you since the minute you were born. I will kill you! It's gonna be okay. We're gonna be a family again. Come on! Yonica, Yonica. Let go of that! Don't do that. What's going on? Go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go! Get me back to the bunker. Headset. Get me a tomahawk. Blow this whole ***' place to ***. Yes, sir. Terrorists at the weddin'. We've got 'em cornered. So close to the bunker could be dangerous, sir. Haven't you heard of a surgical strike? - Launch it. - Firing two-one. Viceroy coming through. Viceroy coming through. You should have let me finish the job! Tamerlane weapons are precision-guided... to minimize collateral damage. Not only is our technology the most advanced in the world... but also with a smart missile system... we can launch a matchstick in Milwaukee... and stick it up the *** of termite in Tehran. *** happens. This blows. "Killer, *** and Jackals. Behind Brand USA". Good title, huh? It's a little wordy. Vehicle from the front! All right, that's it! Hold it! We are going to honeymoon. Dude, it's the newlyweds! Hey! Stand down! Yonica, congratulations. Your chariot's right this way. Thank you. - I have your poster on my wall. - No, he's lyin'. It's my wall. I used to... no. Bye. Run, run, run. Run, run, run. I cannot *** believe this. Yonica, I know I saved you but I don't want you putting me up on a pedestal. I'm just a person, just a man. Are you crazy? Where have you been? - You are a *** ***, you know? - Oh, I feel much better. Go. Turn this thing on! So you don't want her to be an assassin like you. Well, don't worry because I want to be like you. - Yonica, don't be so sarcastic. - I'm not. - Where are we going? - I don't know. What do you mean, I don't know? When I said I don't know, it means I don't know. - GuideStar! - Welcome back, Mr. Hauser. I can book you an hotel, make you a dinner reservation. You wanna just be spontaneous? Spontaneous? It's Memorial Day weekend, what if everything's full? It's not gonna be full. Jerry, am I right? Don't get Jerry involved in this. Would you two stop fighting? We're not fighting. We're just discussing. - It be sounding like fighting. - Now she hates fighting. Well, what do you expect? Look at her father! This is the former vice president speaking. In response to the cowardly and unprovoked terrorist... attack on the Emerald City mall... Tamerlane is pleased to announce that it has been awarded the contract... to preemptively strike Ugikistan... which intelligence has confirmed is behind this... and hundreds of other attacks in Turaqistan. America cannot stand idly by and allow hostile foreign powers... to meddle in Turaqi affairs. Intelligence has also conclusively stated... that the Ugikis are developing a nuclear arsenal... and we cannot let the smoking gun come in the form of a mushroom cloud.